Kate’s response to Brad’s post: Sex: Remove the Roadblock, 7 things that could hinder your sex life
This post is for those of you ladies out there who are the ones in your marriage that want regular sex while your husband struggles! Let me just say first, that even though this is not what Brad and I have dealt with on a regular basis, I do know that this happens in marriage and is not uncommon. As Brad and were mulling over our last two posts we wanted to take some time to talk about when the tables are turned. That being, the wife desires sex often and the husband desires less!
For those of you ladies out there that are struggling with wanting more time for intimacy and sex in your marriage, I have a few thoughts on how to work through that in your marriage.
Let me first share, that Brad and I have experienced some of this in the last two years, but not on a regular basis. There have been times, now that we have an active and regular sex life, that Brad (for various reasons) is not up for sex. Which is always ok with me, but it has been eye opening! Gives me a bit of perspective what it has been like for him when I was never in the mood. It also gives me a small glimpse of what many wives out there deal with when their husbands struggle with sexual desire!
So ladies, what do you do and where do you go, if your husband is lacking desire? Just like we want to be understood in marriage, so do our hubby’s! Seek to understand where he is coming from and what may be holding him back sexually (see Brad’s list of possible reasons).
Being able to have sex, for our hubby’s is part of being a “man” and when that is not happening for our hubby’s it can be causing them a lot of stress and shame. Consider these 5 areas and pray for patience and understanding while you try to make changes!
1. Communication is key!
How many times will you hear that phrase in your life and in your marriage?? Or on our blog, for that matter! Probably more then you care to, but there is a reason for that! Communication is absolutely a must in marriage, especially around issues of sex. The more you talk about things, the more comfortable you will be and the better communicators you will become!
Many times sex and intimacy is a hard subject to talk freely about, even to our spouse. We grow up being told NOT to talk about it and then when we get married, all of the sudden it is OK to talk about it! That is a hard transition for many husbands and wives. Just remember that “Rome was not built in a day!” So you do not have to be able to talk about it ALL the first time you try (no matter if you are newlyweds or have many years behind your marriage), but you need to start developing the skill of talking with your spouse about sex and your sex life. If your husband is hesitant with intimacy, you need to know why. He also needs to feel safe talking with you about whatever is holding him back! When you have a quiet moment just the two of you, pray for God’s guidance and open up the topic with your hubby! Understand that he may be taken aback, but explain to him your desire to understand him, to love him and your desire for the two of you to be able to connect in the physical One Flesh the bible talks about!
2. How are you letting your Hubby know that you want intimacy and sex?
Think about how you are have been communicating to your husband that you desire sex. Brad talked about how men can end up using Man Methods, that really are feelers and hinters at what he wants. I am figuring that wives end up doing some of the same. Perhaps you are bold and just out-right say it, either way, how is your communication being perceived and taken??
I will also ask you the same questions that Brad asked the men . . . are you seeking your hubby out of your own want of sexual release, or are you focused on wanting the One Flesh connection with your hubby? Really search your heart on this one! I understand if there has been a great lack of sex, this can be such a hard question. But God never promised that marriage and “one flesh” was going to be easy, He promised to be there with us, always! I know for both men and woman, it is totally normal and ok, to be aroused by your spouse, finding yourself in the mood. But once you are there and are desiring sex with your spouse, how do you communicate that?? Is it in a way that seems to only talk of your “wants” or in a way that speaks of your need as a wife to have an intimate connection with your hubby?
3. Encourage your Hubby to seek medical advice!
This is a tough one for most men! No husband wants to admit that he is struggling in the bedroom! Especially when all of his friends are boasting about how much sex they want or get for that matter. But if you have sought good communication with your hubby, he knows that your desire is for healing and for sex to bless your relationship, you need to encourage him to seek consulting a doctor! It is imperative that your husband feels as though he can trust you with this sensitive information, that you will keep his visits to the doctors, just between you both! Men need to feel your love, understanding, trust and compassion on intimate issues!
4. Be patient and if needed, seek forgiveness!
If your husband is recovering from your rejection of his initiating sex time after time, then you need to be patient. Our actions have consequences and our rejection of our hubby’s can have great ramifications. As I shared before, I greatly hurt Brad’s confidence and he was afraid of being shot down, so he just stopped trying, and built up a wall! I was brought to my knees, when I saw the hurt I had caused. I asked Brad’s forgiveness! I expressed to him how much I wanted him to be able to and to want to initiate sex with me! But still it took quite a bit of time, patience, encouragement and understanding on my part!
Many times when we sin and cause hurt to others, we want it fixed immediately! We don’t want to have the subject come up over and over! We don’t want to see the hurt we caused our spouse in their eyes when we look at them. But the reality is, there are always earthly consequences, when we are rebuilding after sin! God has forgiven us and hopefully our spouses have as well, but it takes work to get things back on track! The Word of God is a great resource and must in your marriage! Seek God’s word for how to proceed!
5. Pray for your husband!!!
I cannot say this enough! Pray for your hubby and his lack of sexual desire. It may be hard to figure out the “whys” of his lack of desire, but God knows them! God also knows that you are your husbands other half. He wants to use that for His will in your husband’s life and in your marriage. If there are medical issues, pray for your hubby! Pray for healing and courage to listen to what the doctors suggest! If there are mental blockers, past hurts, past abuse, past sexual sin, active sexual sin, you will need to be praying for your hubby! It is easy to pray for our hubby’s when we feel they have been wronged. On the other hand it can be very difficult to pray for them when the wrong has been done to us, as the wives. Especially when dealing with infidelity on any level. I say any level because, anything from lusting over others, pornography, emotional affairs, sexual affairs is all infidelity!
Jesus is very clear in Matthew 5:28 when he says “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (NLT) This may seem harsh, but Jesus knew that any wandering of our eyes in a sexual way is just as bad as doing the actual sin! This verse, applies to both men and woman! So if this ends up being the cause of the lack of desire on your husbands part, you are going to need to pray. For yourself, absolutely! But for your husband as well! If these things have been discovered in your marriage, I encourage you to seek professional Christian Counseling to help you sort through the devastation, hurt and betrayal that you are experiencing! I also encourage you that your marriage CAN be healed! Jesus is right there wanting to make beauty out of your ashes! Seek help, and pray! Pray for a forgiving spirit!
A word of caution: This is for the wives out there, but applies to husbands too! When you are experiencing sexual issues in your marriage, desire or otherwise, DO NOT and I cannot say this strongly enough . . . bash your hubby to your girl friends! Do not talk openly about your issues and complain. This will only cause hurt and shame. If you need to have someone to talk to, someone to pray for you, to uplift and encourage you, that is a good thing! But choose very carefully! A Godly married woman is the best choice! Some might say, I am encouraging you too keep things from your best friends, and really in some ways I am. Through healing and hope, maybe there will be a day when you can share your journey with others, but it should be with grace, forgiveness, love and tact. And with your hubby’s knowledge and permission!
When we are hurting and feelings are raw, we tend to speak out of that hurt and rawness. We say things that are fleeting thoughts, hurtful thoughts, that can cause great pain. Our friends, many times want to help, but also hurt with us, so they end up fanning the flame and making us feel justified! We do have a right to be angry at times, to hurt and grieve. But he is still your husband! This can be one of the hardest things you will ever do in marriage, but it is, in my opinion the character of a Godly, Christ Centered wife!
Your marriage and your intimacy is too important to keep pushing these issues under the rug. It is too important to keep getting angry and building up resentment! Take action in a loving and Christ-centered way!