We have just ended our 5 blogger’s 5 questions series, a week of talking about developing and growing your sexual intimacy so I thought it would be a great time to talk about orgasm! And yes this is Brad talking to all the husbands out there about The Big O! Orgasm! Not your’s guys, your wife’s!
For all of you who just found our blog, I want to say welcome and let you know that Kate and I take turns writing on the same topic. I’ll talk primarily to the husbands, and then Kate will chime in with the wife’s perspective.
So we are talking about orgasm, yes I’m talking about the sometimes illusive, often talked about female orgasm! No, not the multiple or simultaneous orgasms of harlequin novels and pornography. I’m talking about the authentic O, the heartfelt, passion filled bubbling with intimacy orgasm that can and should happen between husband and wife.
Why am I talking about this to guys? Well research shows that 25% of women never have experienced one, and another 50% only experience them on occasion. That means that 75% of your wives are missing this important part of the one flesh connection.
Guys there are three T’s that you will need in your search for the missing big O! And trust me, it is very very much to your benefit to find it!
3 T’s to the Big O
I know you have heard it all before, but it is worth saying again. When it comes to orgasm and sex in general, men are microwaves while women are crock pots! Guys it take women much much longer to become sexually aroused and it take much longer for them to reach orgasm. If you have been reading the 5 bloggers series, you will recognize Julie from Intimacy in Marriage. A while back Julie wrote a post entitled, “Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For” while it is directed to women it is one post that every husband should read! In this post Julie talks about the importance of time saying,
“For many women… foreplay is a bit more complex. It can take awhile to relax. And relaxation generally is what is conducive to sexual readiness.”
Get that, guys? Foreplay for us is all about sexual stimulation, about arousal, but for women it is quite the opposite, it is about relaxation in order to allow them to be ready for arousal. We need to think about and plan how we can incorporate relaxation into our foreplay. Slow down stop thinking only of the destination and remember to relax and enjoy the trip!In addition to the time for arousal, your wife’s orgasm will take additional time and focus. A woman’s climax can take on average three times as much physical stimulation then a men’s. Your time and attention will be worth it! For both of you!
The male orgasm is all about a climax and a buildup of physical sensation until orgasm is reached. There is more to your wife experiencing orgasm together then just the physical. For women the emotional and relational is just as involved as the physical sensation. Your wife needs to trust that you will take the time for intimacy, not just sex, but intimacy. She needs to know that what happens in the sexual experience is going to be mutually supportive, enjoyable, and uplifting. This means not pushing the sexual boundaries without communication.In addition your wife needs to be able to trust that you are going to do your best to help her orgasm if she is going to relax enough to experience one. This needs to be the expectations of every time that you have sex, unless you have decided ahead of time to only focus on one partner!
Guys there is one fact of life that your dad never told you, and it is affecting your wife’s ability to orgasm. So here it is: Only a small percentage of women are able to achieve orgasm by penetration alone. Odds are that your wife is not one of them.In order to help her orgasm you are going to have to find, and make use of her clitoris. If you don’t know where that is, you need to 1. ask your wife for directions, and 2. visit “The Marriage Bed” for a good road map to her plumbing.
Given those two options and the fact that I’m talking to guys I know you will be tempted to find your way on your own. What guy wants to stop and ask directions anyway? But a word of caution here. If you have not found this lovable destination before you must ask directions before you visit. This is a critical part of the trust we just talked about! Plan a visit, but plan it together! And once you visit make sure you get directions on what to do there! Let her be your guide!So there you have it, Time, Trust, and Touch. Follow those three T’s and you will have a good chance of helping your wife join the lucky minority of women who experience regular orgasms!
If nothing else I hope that this post will help all of the couples out there have a very good conversation together about your orgasm experiences! What makes them better? What do each of you enjoy? Is there anything you can do within the areas of Time, Trust, or Touch that will help make it even better? Is there anything I missed that husbands need to know? Let me know in the comments, and be sure to read Kate’s reply 3 Spices Every Husband Needs in the Bedroom