Kate says . . . Reading the comments on Brad’s post, “Take Matters Into Your Own Hands” I have been encouraged over and over to remind the wives to initiate sex more often with their hubby, so that masturbation will not be an issue. I am choosing not to go that route with my reply! The reason that Brad and I chose this topic was because of the many wives who have written us sharing that their husband has low desire and that they are the ones who want more sexual intimacy in the relationship. I hear you wives out there; I know there are many of you, I have not forgotten you and I am certainly not forgetting the pain and struggle you are going through. As Brad said in his post communication is the key! I know ladies, you are thinking, that is not so easy. You are right. But without communication, you have no ground for discovery, growth and healing.
If you have been able to establish, through communication with your hubby, that he greatly desires you, but his body does not respond with him, I encourage you to check out my post “Sex: When Your Hubby Is Lacking the Desire
”. True, low libido tends to be a women’s issue, as we have written about before, but there are also many men who have low desire/low libido issues in their marriage. Uncovering those reasons will be the key to moving forward and growing past this time of challenge.
If, on the other hand, you have been able to figure out that your hubby is turning to masturbation to fulfill his needs and you are feeling left out of the equation . . . what should you do???
Masturbation is one of those subjects, which for many women is a mystery of sorts. Not the actual, how does it work, but more, why is it such a big deal among men? While the number of women masturbating is on the rise, I still think the topic is somewhat confusing to us females. “What’s the big deal, why do men want to do that?” and “eww that is just nasty!” are just two of the comments I have heard from women sharing their thoughts and questions on this controversial topic. Some women I have talked to think it is no big deal, their main reason in saying so is simply because, “well, every guys does it”. While these women are ok with men and masturbation I still think they are a bit baffled.
Since it is a bit of a mystery to us, we need to have some understanding of why men and masturbation usually go hand in hand! (Pun intended) Most boys in puberty find the world of masturbation and think they will never be the same. Lets be honest, it feels good to have an orgasm. God designed orgasm and all that leads up to it to be incredible, to feel so so good. As for the reasons that men continue to masturbate even after marriage, well it still feels good and they have a high sex drive. As for other reasons, I will leave to Brad’s posts!
Before I go on, I am talking here about male masturbation and how wives can address the issue. The topic of a wife masturbating is for another post. So if you are looking for my to include this as well, it is too much to cover in one post.
As for whether or not the masturbation is a sin, I don’t really think that is the issue. The issue here is simply that your sexual connection, created by God to be very special, is being affected. No matter what, that is not ok! You have a right to want to remove the roadblock! Whether or not you and your hubby feel that the act is sinful is something the two of you will be able to explore further on down the road, when healing is taking place. For right now, the focus is communication and figuring out how to get back on the same page with your sexual intimacy.
If you feel that your husband’s masturbation is hurting your one flesh sexual intimacy, how do you proceed? What do you do?
My suggestion to you ladies would be to first find a quite time for sexual intimacy together. Slow, with no interruptions! It will soften you both, it allows for grace to be extended (as my friend Julie over at Intimacy In Marriage
always says) that is a good thing! Once you have shared that time together, share with your hubby your desire for sexual intimacy to continue. Share that you feel sexual intimacy has been lacking in your marriage. Open up about your fears; ask your hubby what is keeping him from that connection.
Are you opening yourself up to a possible world of hurt? Yes!
Are you opening up a can of worms that could turn into an argument? Yes!
I am not going to sugar coat this ladies, this is a tough one. You bringing this topic up will be tough to do and it will be a tough conversation for the two of you to have. But the way I see it, you have two choices:
1. Sit back and continue to live in a marriage where your one flesh connection is threatened or
2. Take the initiative and talk with your husband about your sexual intimacy.
When there is porn/lust involved, I know it is hard to focus on anything else. There is great hurt and mistrust that will threaten to consume your every thought, if you let it. You have every right to feel this way! But it is also a choice how long you stay in this place. The healing process will be very hard if you cannot look past those hurts. And yes in a perfect world, your hubby would be the one to make amends, initiate and show his desire for you, despite his lust/porn issues. Sadly we are no longer in a perfect world and we women need to fight for our hubby’s and our marriages. Our one flesh connections are always being threatened. Satan loves keeping it that way. With God’s strength, grace and peace you can move forward in the healing process.
Lastly, I know that many woman are hurting by their husband’s lack of desire. Regardless of the reasons I know it is a big hurdle! I also know that you would love for your hubby to make it all right again. To take away all the pain and rejection. But the only thing he can make better is the future
. It would be truly amazing and wonderful if he did this on his own and without prompting. I truly hope that he does. If he doesn’t, consider standing up and taking a stand for your marriage. Be the change you want to see in your marriage
. Talk with your hubby! Be open and honest and vulnerable!
Brad and I are not immune to these issues. We are just like all of you out there! We have had to learn to talk through these very issues and draw boundary lines for our one flesh connection! Wives, prayerfully consider stepping up and talking with your hubby about masturbation, lust and porn. Even if you have a great one flesh connection, it is always good to dialogue about these issues. Then if an issue ever arises in your marriage, you will have the openness that communication fosters and provides! We would love to know your thoughts and would be glad to pray for you as you open up these doors of communication!