Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change

sand man

Brad says…

“Please Honey, please can’t we just have sex tonight?” When I talked about the “Oliver Man Method” in my post, “Sex: The art of Asking for More” I admit that I was thinking about husbands who are maybe sexually thirsty. I did not have in mind the couples that Kate was speaking to in her series, “We Haven’t Had Sex in Over a Year”. Reading these posts my heart went out to these couples, especially these husbands who are living in a marriage that is in a sexual drought. This level of sexual dehydration puts the perspective of begging for more in a different light. I think we can all understand the man who begs when his wife has refused him for a month or more. The question though becomes, is this the right approach?

One brave man commented, “I am ALWAYS initiating, and usually getting shot down. Then on the off-chance she says yes… I feel like crap after we are done.” I remember this feeling. While our marriage never dropped to the level of a sexual drought, I can say that there were times we were in a sexual dry spell. In those times I recognized that my asking, pleading and begging even if it resulted in us having sex, as it often did, did not lead to my feeling filled. I too would leave those times of intimacy and feel worse, frustrated and alone. Why?

Finding Thirst

When Kate and I were first married sex was great. It was new, fun, and frequent! Over the first year of our marriage things began to change for many reasons. I had brought some unhealthy habits into our marriage that started to crumble our foundations. While those are key to understanding our transition from broken to beauty, I will be blogging more on that later. As a result of some of those habits I did not approach sex, or asking for sex in a healthy way. I used to use locker room methods to tell Kate I wanted sex, and then when she didn’t get the hint, I would go silent. I would just wait for her to initiate. I was sexually thirsty but I didn’t know how to fix the problem so I did the logical thing, blame Kate for the problem.

Begging for a Drink

Whenever Kate and I would argue, I would use my sexual thirst as ammo. I would blame Kate for the problem, and beg for a solution. Why did I do this? Simple, it worked. Kate knew it was a problem too, and felt badly that we were not as sexually connected as either of us wanted to be. My tossing it out in every fight distracted her from any of my issues, and allowed me not to take any responsibility for change. In essence, I was saying, “If you would give me more sex then everything in our marriage would be fine”. I kept asking Kate to fill my immediate need, to quench my sexual thirst, to give me sexual release. My awesome wife would hear this plea, and respond, for a time we would go back to having more regular sex.

Empty Cup

Unfortunately, as is often the case the true need I was feeling was not just sexual release; it was the desire for connection. God didn’t just create us with a need for sexual release. He created us differently then the animals, which follow “nature’s call” for mating. God called us to “become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) which is something entirely different. I believe in these three words he has given us a glimpse, a flavor of the type of relationship he has in the trinity. I’m not going to get too theological here, only to say that relationship is important to God, and that is how he created us to be. When we have sexual release in the absence of building relationship, our spirit knows that something is missing. For while we are thirsty for sexual release what we are really looking for is connection through sexual oneness.

Guys, you will not be able to beg your way to sexual oneness. You will not be able to guilt your way to sexual oneness. You will not be able to argue your way to sexual oneness. But this is exactly what we are trying to do when we beg, guilt, or argue about wanting more sex. Instead of asking your wife to give you a drink of water, you need to ask her to help you dig a well.

Digging a Well

Husbands, if you are living in a sexual drought and are regularly arguing about sex, or if you have resorted to regularly begging for sex then you need to rethink what you are actually asking for. Stop asking and begging for a drink when you really desire to find the well of sexual fulfillment. Beg for change, don’t beg for sex.

  • Begging for change says “WE” are important
  • Begging for sex says I need release
  • Begging for change says I need ”US” to get better
  • Begging for sex says I need you to change.

Guys, your wife is conditioned to hearing your begging and arguing for more sex as saying, “I need sexual release”. How do you think that makes her feel? Unloved, unimportant, and used. Are those words that you want your wife to associate with sex? When you beg for change you are telling your wife that there is something more important than sex: HER. You need to communicate very clearly that your desire is not for sexual release, it is a desire to improve your whole relationship, and that includes the sexual part!

Is sexual release an important part? Yes, of course it is, but unless it is part of a larger healing, all it will be is release that is temporary and often unfulfilling. Change your tone; start begging for change not just sexual release.

To find out more about what change looks like, well, stay tuned. I’ll be writing more on that next post.

34 Responses to Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change
  1. Susan
    July 31, 2011 | 2:15 pm

    It is CRITICAL for a man to understand this!  AND MOST OFTEN, he does not! 

    (We are made in the image of God, to be able to reciprocate, triangular circuitry, …as the Trinity operates.)

    He (the man)  is the specialist in triggering, seducing, and physically initiating….through sexuality ecstasy.  That is his "channel" to understanding love….

    She (the woman) is the specialist in maintaining, expanding, and recycling emotionally….through relationship.   That is her "channel" to understanding love….

    God is the Flame,  the fire that spiritually keeps the two golden rings (that you have as an icon) merging, united; keeping the couple's wholeness aglow! 

    This is what creates the oneness that lasts FOREVER!

    (In fact, as you look AGAIN at the imagery of the golden rings.  When they are "apart", there are two separate compartments within those bands.  But, when they are intertwined, there are three compartments, ….AND ONLY THREE !!! )

  2. [...] wanting more sex, check out our recent posts, ‘We Haven’t Had Sex in Over a Year’ and ‘Life In Sexual Drought Begging for Change‘. // // Filed in: For Wives, Sexual Intimacy Leave a Comment. Start the [...]

  3. Julie Sibert
    August 22, 2011 | 2:44 am

    As always, I so appreciate the realness you and Kate bring to this conversation about sexual intimacy in marriage.  THANK YOU!!  Well done!

  4. Strong Man
    August 29, 2011 | 11:36 pm

    This is helpful in shifting the focus to the entire relationship.  Men can listen to their wife and study what makes her tick and then take action to please her overall.  

    However, I doubt the word, “begging” –even begging for change–is actually the best word to describe what will be most effective for the man to spark romantic attraction in his wife.What woman finds a man who has to “beg” for anything attractive?  Have you ever seen a romance movie in which the hero man is primarily a “beggar?”  I would rather recommend that a man pretend like sex isn’t a big deal (as hard as that is), and focus on improving himself in general to be more attractive in the way his wife likes.  He might then take proactive action to keep her mind thinking about him throughout the day–and make sure she finds intimacy enjoyable.Some discussion may also be important to help her understand, but sometimes laying off the begging in general is a good way to get started.

    • Brad & Kate Aldrich
      August 31, 2011 | 3:06 am

      Strong Man,
      I will agree with you that “begging” is not the most attractive word, but I used it to highlight the need for communication! All too often relationships will go months and years with things going wrong that are never directly talked about. Sure it is argued about or used as barbs in disagreements but not really discussed. When I have worked with men in this situation they will often admit that they have asked for sex, argued for sex, complained for sex, and yes even begged for sex, but what they have not done is actually communicate about sex. My hope was that pushing the begging away from focused on sex, and on to change would help to move couples in this desperate situation.

      For couples not in the extreme of a sexual desert, but only in a place of desiring more, I absolutely agree that he needs to focus on improving himself. This is key to any change!

  5. Glshipyard
    October 5, 2011 | 7:04 pm

    Wow, does that ever sound familiar! I know very well the feeling of consent, but not feeling of fulfillment, or even satisfaction. I knew years ago why that was, but never could get my wife to understand,….or care. Funny thing is, after so many years, and one more rejection, it all snapped. I just didn’t even care anymore, yes even about sex.  Oh yes, we are still married, sometimes I wonder why. Thank you so much for “getting the word out” so to speak. I didn’t know anyone else understood the problem.

  6. jeff mccabe
    April 2, 2012 | 6:21 pm

    I think its such a shame that our Wifes play head games with us constantly when it comes to the sexual relationship, should I initiate or shouldn’t I. Is she in the mood or not ? These Danny women make *edit(things) so hard

    • Brad
      April 2, 2012 | 7:54 pm

      Jeff,
      I appreciate your comment and I can see it comes from a difficult place, however, I would suggest that your wife is not playing a “game” with her sexuality. If things are not working, there are reasons for it. Sex has a way of multiplying intimacy in marriage. In order for it to work well there has to be intimacy present first. If you multiply by 0 you get 0, and maybe if your wife is a 1 you get something, but only what you bring. If you really want sex to work, you need to increase her number beforehand!

      • jeff mccabe
        April 2, 2012 | 8:18 pm

        Been there done that. I’ve had heart to heart talks with her, nothing has changed, I work full time she.works full time, I’m always there for her, she knows it, but nothing changes. I don’t neglect my wife in the intimacy and don’t neglect our kids. I’m a hard worker, try to take my wife out on a date once a week, tell heur every day I love you. Talk to her, listen to her honestly like most men can’t do and our sex life suffers , 3 or 4 times a year. It SUCKS

        • Brad
          April 2, 2012 | 8:23 pm

          Jeff,
          Ok, hard question for you. If your wife were to read that list of things you do for her, would she say “yep he’s the best” or would she say something else?

          If she agrees with your assessment of your intimacy there there is something else that is the issue, if not then it might need another look.

  7. jeff mccabe
    April 2, 2012 | 8:24 pm

    I’m tired or she falls asleep. That’s the reason. I’m tired. I’m tired. F’n joke. Always I’m tired. So am I of this marriage.

    • Brad
      April 2, 2012 | 8:26 pm

      Jeff,
      What happens if you try to approach her at a different time of day? Morning sex can be a change of pace for some, but it can be the only time that works for others.

      Does she know how big a deal this is for you? Have you tried to get her to go to counseling?

  8. jeff mccabe
    April 2, 2012 | 8:25 pm

    She.would say Yup.

    • Brad
      April 2, 2012 | 8:31 pm

      Ok, assuming that you are right and she feels loved and cared for by you then there is another issue that is getting in the way of sexual intimacy. It is hard to say exactly what, it could be internal messages about sex (sex is dirty, sex is only for kids…) it could be past negative experiences with sex (sexual abuse in her past), it could simply be a focus issue (she is primarily focused on the kids and is worn out by the time marriage time gets here)

      The only way to know, especially if none of those pop out, is in communication. Good healthy communication that starts with you saying “hunny I’m hurting….” and is not demanding of sex, but is seeking intimacy….

  9. jeff mccabe
    April 2, 2012 | 8:30 pm

    I do a lot of houses work,cook,clean,wash, etc. Everything and then some, I try to hide my frustration because she’s sick of hearing about it, I’ll go months and months and I’ll ask her why we don’t have any intimacy and she’ll say my happyness is superficial.

    • Brad
      April 2, 2012 | 8:32 pm

      superficial to what? That doesn’t sound like a wife who would reply “yup he’s the best”…. but maybe I’m reading that wrong.

    • jeff mccabe
      April 2, 2012 | 8:34 pm

      If I touch her sexually she’ll push my hand away. I snuggle next to her in bed but thats it , she won’t allow any sexual touching, she pushes me away very imaturly

      • Brad
        April 2, 2012 | 8:37 pm

        Jeff, I hate to say this but sex doesn’t start with sexual touching. I know that sounds like taking away water to a dying man, but she will never just flop over and say “ya go ahead and touch me”. It is going to have to start MUCH differently. I know that sound impossible, and it might be, but you will always hit resistance if you start to introduce your desire for sex by touching her sexually.

  10. jeff mccabe
    April 2, 2012 | 8:37 pm

    Superficial, she thinks my good moods and happyness is fake

    • Brad
      April 2, 2012 | 8:42 pm

      Well, that is a place to start! If she sees all that you do around the house, and even your good mood as manipulative to get sex then something isn’t working, or is missing. Maybe she doesn’t understand why sex is important in marriage. Maybe she doesn’t like it (or it causes her pain). Have you suggested that she read any of Kate’s posts on this subject? Do you think she would? try Kate’s response to this post for instance “http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/07/we-havent-had-sex-in-over-year.html”

  11. Seth
    June 7, 2012 | 1:45 am

    Jeff’s right, women use sex as control over a man< another thing to think about, I've heard alot of guys that are married with kids say their only usefull to thier wives on the 15th and 30th. women get married to have kids, once they have them they have no use for the guy other than the paycheck, if you believe otherwise your awfully gullaible.

    • Kate
      June 13, 2012 | 9:03 pm

      Hi Seth! Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts. I can see where you would think that at times and I won’t lie and say that I have not seen evidance of the exact same thing you are speaking. Many women get caught up in their children and become sidetracked from their #2 in their life. It is NOT right and it is something Brad and I speak about a lot. Whenever I have the honor of speaking to a moms group, I speak on this topic everytime without fail. I hear much pain in what you say. I have a feeling you know first hand how this feels. That being said, not every women wants this life. Not every women wants to be “married” to her kids. Sometimes it happens over time, some more choose it. Yet there are many wives out there who very much want a passionate, sex filled healthy oneness with their hubby. Just as wives are human, so are husbands. We all have things we struggle with and those things Satan tried to capitolize on. He uses them to make a huge gap in our oneness. Both husband and wife need to seek God on their one flesh marriage.

      To be quite honest, I have share that I struggled with sex in our marriage for about 5 years. But those years were prior to our children. Once we had our children, I did not only want them. Brad has shared, that he never really felt left out or put aside when our kids came along! There are many reasons women struggle (just as men). Having a baby really changes your hormones and your body. Should we be ok with it-yup-but we love it a fallen world and life is not always what it should be. The only way to get through these times is to extend grace, talk about everything, follow God’s leading and cling to one another.

      I hope and pray that you can find this level of healing in your marriage. God is the God if hope, healing and restoration! Please know that we are praying for you! Blessings, Kate

  12. Jason
    March 7, 2013 | 7:19 am

    I just want to say thank you for the post. It has truly opened my eyes and helped me to understand how to change my relationship with my wife. I have a hard time expressing my true emotions and motives behind sex and I am 100% positive that I make my wife feel that sex is just about the physical part of it when it means so much more than that. Your article has truly been a blessing to me this morning and pray that it will help me to change me so that our marriage can change. Thank you so much and God Bless.

  13. Endure
    March 21, 2013 | 11:41 pm

    Many factors exist as to “why” wives shut down sexually. She could have a root of bitterness from past hurts not forgiven and forgotten (often a woman feeling numb is a good indication), hormones change where she doesn’t have a sexual appetite like she did when she was younger, she has present resentment for their current relationship condition or living situation, she is in absolute rebellion to the marriage bed because she wants “payback” for something, even just knowing that hubby really loves sex with her, etc. Rebellion is as witchcraft, which is the wife controlling the marriage bed. The reality is that the husband’s body belongs to the wife, and the wife’s body belongs to the husband, and this is for care and nurture during sickness and tiredness, as well as the marriage bed. Only thru mutual agreement should a couple stop having sexual relations, and only for an agreed time of fasting and prayer. How shall two walk together lest they be agreed…a wife who stops having sex without the agreement of her husband has already broken unity of the Spirit and the Word. Any repairing of the relationship must start with her realizing she has sinned against her husband in this area, and there is need for repentance on her part. Yes, sex is both based on duty, and desire. We honor food and our bellies by eating 2 to 3 times a day, we honor money and provision by working 40 to 60 hours a week in a paid job, we honor personal hygiene and appearance by investing 7 hours a week to shower, do our hair and put on make-up (if you are a woman), yet we don’t honor the marriage bed with ample time. We should never shut ourselves off to our mates emotionally, relationally, or sexually at any point. If my wife needed or wanted sex once a day, and I couldn’t get an erection, I would make it a point to satisfy her the best way I could. She would never have to beg me for sex, because my mind and heart are hard-wired to never withhold affection, pleasure, and communication from her, for any reason.

  14. Jen
    April 12, 2013 | 6:39 pm

    Been married for over twenty yrs and seven kids later. My husband was a man that stood above the rest and was the only one in the world i trusted and souly compelted Me. But now he never Wants me around, touch me, and to intiate sex with me is a joke. I recently caught him cheating on me and forgave him but he resents me for it daily. Now the looks i get are of hatered and disgust and it tears me apart. I desperately need advice. I die more a little everyday and he could careless to save me. Plz help me to comprehend just a little on where i stand if at all and what to do.

    Jen

    • Kate
      April 18, 2013 | 3:36 pm

      Hi Jen,
      My heart breaks for where you are right now, but I also know that there can be healing for you and your hubby! Not knowing all of the specifics, I would first share that you and your hubby seeking counseling would be a good thing. You both need to process and talk through your marriage before and after the affair. You say that he seems to resent you for finding out and forgiving him, that is most likely his own self loathing. But really you two need to talk through and process all that has happened and then start to move forward together. Right now it seems that you both of moving forward, but seperatly. Please know that you are not alone and that there are others out there struggling with similar situations. Also never underestmate God, he can move mountains and raise people from the dead-he CAN heal your marriage. Spend lots of time with him, seeking him and following what he tells you to do as a wife. Pray for your husband, not for the changes you want to see, but just pray for him. That he would be blessed and that he would know how much God loves him. If you ever want to talk further and share more of your story, feel free to email me anytime at kate@onefleshmarriage.com! Know that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  15. Kwala
    August 27, 2013 | 7:26 am

    I’VE HAD ENOUGH!! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF BEING REJECTED BY WIFE!!!

    The last 2 nights I have pretty much cried myself to sleep. I have no idea why but my wife is actively avoiding sex, like actively not coming to bed early. We have sex 3 times this year. I’ve already had a seizure due to stress because of it. My specialist had diagnosed me with depression.
    Everyone says that “God hears you” , quoting Scripture blah blah. Well I tell you what – that means nothing anymore. I’m so numb to being constantly rejected, the idea of Gos listening doesn’t matter. I’m gutted and heartbroken and I don’t want some nice words. I need God to change something.

    No one responds to my emails; no one seems to care. All the advice I get is “do more to help her”, “talk to her”. It doesn’t work people. I think my next option is to leave. Why is she avoiding me? Has she done something with someone else she’s scared of confessing? I have prayed hard for months on end and all that has happened is it’s got worse, I’ve had a stress seizure and being diagnosed with depression.

    I’ve basically lost all faith that God can change this. That He hears me means nothing because I am so, so sad and disappointed at constant rejection.

    • Kate
      August 28, 2013 | 8:36 pm

      Kwala sent us an email and we have responded via email to his comment! :)

      • Kwala
        September 1, 2013 | 11:26 pm

        You guys are great!

        • Kate
          September 20, 2013 | 4:23 pm

          Thanks, Kwala, we greatly appreciate you as well! Blessings, Kate

  16. Anne
    December 25, 2013 | 3:03 pm

    I have been married for nearly 20 years and we have rarely had sex even as newlyweds. We have 2 children but conceiving them was more of a duty for him than a pleasure. We have only had sex once since my youngest was born nearly 12 years ago. I used to try to initiate sex but he always had a lame excuse: he was too tired, too hot or not in the mood. I got fed up with being rejected so I stopped asking. The last time we did do it, I felt so used and disgusted I never wanted it again. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t perverted sex, there was just no intimacy and I felt used. Since then neither of us has asked the other for sex and our marriage us falling apart because I can’t bear the general lack of intimacy. We don’t talk, don’t go out. He is too interested in work and coaching gymnastics. I don’t want to stay, but as a Christian I feel I must. Us this right?

  17. Anne
    December 25, 2013 | 3:03 pm

    I have been married for nearly 20 years and we have rarely had sex even as newlyweds. We have 2 children but conceiving them was more of a duty for him than a pleasure. We have only had sex once since my youngest was born nearly 12 years ago. I used to try to initiate sex but he always had a lame excuse: he was too tired, too hot or not in the mood. I got fed up with being rejected so I stopped asking. The last time we did do it, I felt so used and disgusted I never wanted it again. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t perverted sex, there was just no intimacy and I felt used. Since then neither of us has asked the other for sex and our marriage us falling apart because I can’t bear the general lack of intimacy. We don’t talk, don’t go out. He is too interested in work and coaching gymnastics. I don’t want to stay, but as a Christian I feel I must. Is this right?

  18. Jeff
    March 27, 2014 | 12:55 pm

    Haven’t had sex for 5 months. I do NOT hound my wife for sex. If I did it would be a “ok hurry up and get the *&%$ off me”… which I don’t want… so I don’t pester her. I want her heart and mind more than her body. After working 90hrs a week and being a good dad and doing everything for her.. I just want a little something that shows I’m cutting it as a husband. Wife said she’s mad at me and resents me but doesn’t know why. I desperately want to apologize and fix whatever it was that offended her.
    how do I send you guys an email?

    • Kate
      March 28, 2014 | 8:46 am

      Hi Jeff! My heart breaks for what you have shared. Please know that you are not alone, as you can see by the other comments here. There are many husbands/wives that are in the same place as you and your wife. We would be glad to chat with you further. You can email us, by clicking on this link! Hope that helps! Blessings, Kate

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