Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change

Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change

Brad says…

“Please Honey, please can’t we just have sex tonight?” When I talked about the “Oliver Man Method” in my post, “Sex: The art of Asking for More” I admit that I was thinking about husbands who are maybe sexually thirsty. I did not have in mind the couples that Kate was speaking to in her series, “We Haven’t Had Sex in Over a Year”. Reading these posts my heart went out to these couples, especially these husbands who are living in a marriage that is in a sexual drought. This level of sexual dehydration puts the perspective of begging for more in a different light. I think we can all understand the man who begs when his wife has refused him for a month or more. The question though becomes, is this the right approach?

One brave man commented, “I am ALWAYS initiating, and usually getting shot down. Then on the off-chance she says yes… I feel like crap after we are done.” I remember this feeling. While our marriage never dropped to the level of a sexual drought, I can say that there were times we were in a sexual dry spell. In those times I recognized that my asking, pleading and begging even if it resulted in us having sex, as it often did, did not lead to my feeling filled. I too would leave those times of intimacy and feel worse, frustrated and alone. Why?

Finding Thirst

When Kate and I were first married sex was great. It was new, fun, and frequent! Over the first year of our marriage things began to change for many reasons. I had brought some unhealthy habits into our marriage that started to crumble our foundations. While those are key to understanding our transition from broken to beauty, I will be blogging more on that later. As a result of some of those habits I did not approach sex, or asking for sex in a healthy way. I used to use locker room methods to tell Kate I wanted sex, and then when she didn’t get the hint, I would go silent. I would just wait for her to initiate. I was sexually thirsty but I didn’t know how to fix the problem so I did the logical thing, blame Kate for the problem.

Begging for a Drink

Whenever Kate and I would argue, I would use my sexual thirst as ammo. I would blame Kate for the problem, and beg for a solution. Why did I do this? Simple, it worked. Kate knew it was a problem too, and felt badly that we were not as sexually connected as either of us wanted to be. My tossing it out in every fight distracted her from any of my issues, and allowed me not to take any responsibility for change. In essence, I was saying, “If you would give me more sex then everything in our marriage would be fine”. I kept asking Kate to fill my immediate need, to quench my sexual thirst, to give me sexual release. My awesome wife would hear this plea, and respond, for a time we would go back to having more regular sex.

Empty Cup

Unfortunately, as is often the case the true need I was feeling was not just sexual release; it was the desire for connection. God didn’t just create us with a need for sexual release. He created us differently then the animals, which follow “nature’s call” for mating. God called us to “become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) which is something entirely different. I believe in these three words he has given us a glimpse, a flavor of the type of relationship he has in the trinity. I’m not going to get too theological here, only to say that relationship is important to God, and that is how he created us to be. When we have sexual release in the absence of building relationship, our spirit knows that something is missing. For while we are thirsty for sexual release what we are really looking for is connection through sexual oneness.

Guys, you will not be able to beg your way to sexual oneness. You will not be able to guilt your way to sexual oneness. You will not be able to argue your way to sexual oneness. But this is exactly what we are trying to do when we beg, guilt, or argue about wanting more sex. Instead of asking your wife to give you a drink of water, you need to ask her to help you dig a well.

Digging a Well

Husbands, if you are living in a sexual drought and are regularly arguing about sex, or if you have resorted to regularly begging for sex then you need to rethink what you are actually asking for. Stop asking and begging for a drink when you really desire to find the well of sexual fulfillment. Beg for change, don’t beg for sex.

  • Begging for change says “WE” are important
  • Begging for sex says I need release
  • Begging for change says I need “US” to get better
  • Begging for sex says I need you to change.

Guys, your wife is conditioned to hearing your begging and arguing for more sex as saying, “I need sexual release”. How do you think that makes her feel? Unloved, unimportant, and used. Are those words that you want your wife to associate with sex? When you beg for change you are telling your wife that there is something more important than sex: HER. You need to communicate very clearly that your desire is not for sexual release, it is a desire to improve your whole relationship, and that includes the sexual part!

Is sexual release an important part? Yes, of course it is, but unless it is part of a larger healing, all it will be is release that is temporary and often unfulfilling. Change your tone; start begging for change not just sexual release.

To find out more about what change looks like, well, stay tuned. I’ll be writing more on that next post.

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51 Responses to Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change

  1. It is CRITICAL for a man to understand this!  AND MOST OFTEN, he does not! 

    (We are made in the image of God, to be able to reciprocate, triangular circuitry, …as the Trinity operates.)

    He (the man)  is the specialist in triggering, seducing, and physically initiating….through sexuality ecstasy.  That is his "channel" to understanding love….

    She (the woman) is the specialist in maintaining, expanding, and recycling emotionally….through relationship.   That is her "channel" to understanding love….

    God is the Flame,  the fire that spiritually keeps the two golden rings (that you have as an icon) merging, united; keeping the couple's wholeness aglow! 

    This is what creates the oneness that lasts FOREVER!

    (In fact, as you look AGAIN at the imagery of the golden rings.  When they are "apart", there are two separate compartments within those bands.  But, when they are intertwined, there are three compartments, ….AND ONLY THREE !!! )

  2. This is helpful in shifting the focus to the entire relationship.  Men can listen to their wife and study what makes her tick and then take action to please her overall.  

    However, I doubt the word, “begging” –even begging for change–is actually the best word to describe what will be most effective for the man to spark romantic attraction in his wife.What woman finds a man who has to “beg” for anything attractive?  Have you ever seen a romance movie in which the hero man is primarily a “beggar?”  I would rather recommend that a man pretend like sex isn’t a big deal (as hard as that is), and focus on improving himself in general to be more attractive in the way his wife likes.  He might then take proactive action to keep her mind thinking about him throughout the day–and make sure she finds intimacy enjoyable.Some discussion may also be important to help her understand, but sometimes laying off the begging in general is a good way to get started.

    • Strong Man,
      I will agree with you that “begging” is not the most attractive word, but I used it to highlight the need for communication! All too often relationships will go months and years with things going wrong that are never directly talked about. Sure it is argued about or used as barbs in disagreements but not really discussed. When I have worked with men in this situation they will often admit that they have asked for sex, argued for sex, complained for sex, and yes even begged for sex, but what they have not done is actually communicate about sex. My hope was that pushing the begging away from focused on sex, and on to change would help to move couples in this desperate situation.

      For couples not in the extreme of a sexual desert, but only in a place of desiring more, I absolutely agree that he needs to focus on improving himself. This is key to any change!

  3. Wow, does that ever sound familiar! I know very well the feeling of consent, but not feeling of fulfillment, or even satisfaction. I knew years ago why that was, but never could get my wife to understand,….or care. Funny thing is, after so many years, and one more rejection, it all snapped. I just didn’t even care anymore, yes even about sex.  Oh yes, we are still married, sometimes I wonder why. Thank you so much for “getting the word out” so to speak. I didn’t know anyone else understood the problem.

  4. I think its such a shame that our Wifes play head games with us constantly when it comes to the sexual relationship, should I initiate or shouldn’t I. Is she in the mood or not ? These Danny women make *edit(things) so hard

    • Jeff,
      I appreciate your comment and I can see it comes from a difficult place, however, I would suggest that your wife is not playing a “game” with her sexuality. If things are not working, there are reasons for it. Sex has a way of multiplying intimacy in marriage. In order for it to work well there has to be intimacy present first. If you multiply by 0 you get 0, and maybe if your wife is a 1 you get something, but only what you bring. If you really want sex to work, you need to increase her number beforehand!

      • Been there done that. I’ve had heart to heart talks with her, nothing has changed, I work full time full time, I’m always there for her, she knows it, but nothing changes. I don’t neglect my wife in the intimacy and don’t neglect our kids. I’m a hard worker, try to take my wife out on a date once a week, tell heur every day I love you. Talk to her, listen to her honestly like most men can’t do and our sex life suffers , 3 or 4 times a year. It SUCKS

        • Jeff,
          Ok, hard question for you. If your wife were to read that list of things you do for her, would she say “yep he’s the best” or would she say something else?

          If she agrees with your assessment of your intimacy there there is something else that is the issue, if not then it might need another look.

  5. I’m tired or she falls asleep. That’s the reason. I’m tired. I’m tired. F’n joke. Always I’m tired. So am I of this marriage.

    • Jeff,
      What happens if you try to approach her at a different time of day? Morning sex can be a change of pace for some, but it can be the only time that works for others.

      Does she know how big a deal this is for you? Have you tried to get her to go to counseling?

    • Ok, assuming that you are right and she feels loved and cared for by you then there is another issue that is getting in the way of sexual intimacy. It is hard to say exactly what, it could be internal messages about sex (sex is dirty, sex is only for kids…) it could be past negative experiences with sex (sexual abuse in her past), it could simply be a focus issue (she is primarily focused on the kids and is worn out by the time marriage time gets here)

      The only way to know, especially if none of those pop out, is in communication. Good healthy communication that starts with you saying “hunny I’m hurting….” and is not demanding of sex, but is seeking intimacy….

  6. I do a lot of houses work,cook,clean,wash, etc. Everything and then some, I try to hide my frustration because she’s sick of hearing about it, I’ll go months and months and I’ll ask her why we don’t have any intimacy and she’ll say my happyness is superficial.

    • superficial to what? That doesn’t sound like a wife who would reply “yup he’s the best”…. but maybe I’m reading that wrong.

    • If I touch her sexually she’ll push my hand away. I snuggle next to her in bed but thats it , she won’t allow any sexual touching, she pushes me away very imaturly

      • Jeff, I hate to say this but sex doesn’t start with sexual touching. I know that sounds like taking away water to a dying man, but she will never just flop over and say “ya go ahead and touch me”. It is going to have to start MUCH differently. I know that sound impossible, and it might be, but you will always hit resistance if you start to introduce your desire for sex by touching her sexually.

    • Wow, aren’t you just the most ideal and perfect husband. Where are all the other men like you at? You are a joke buddy, and incredibly insulting to women and your wife. If you were a 1/10 of how great you are I am quite sure you would have a better marriage and sex life. You come off incredibly selfish and demanding. You are a little boy trapped in a mans body. Just by how you have portrayed yourself on here I can bet she has many qualms with you as a husband. Open your Bible, pray and seek some help from a pastor…. YOU SIR NEED IT

    • Well, that is a place to start! If she sees all that you do around the house, and even your good mood as manipulative to get sex then something isn’t working, or is missing. Maybe she doesn’t understand why sex is important in marriage. Maybe she doesn’t like it (or it causes her pain). Have you suggested that she read any of Kate’s posts on this subject? Do you think she would? try Kate’s response to this post for instance “”

  7. Jeff’s right, women use sex as control over a man< another thing to think about, I've heard alot of guys that are married with kids say their only usefull to thier wives on the 15th and 30th. women get married to have kids, once they have them they have no use for the guy other than the paycheck, if you believe otherwise your awfully gullaible.

    • Hi Seth! Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts. I can see where you would think that at times and I won’t lie and say that I have not seen evidance of the exact same thing you are speaking. Many women get caught up in their children and become sidetracked from their #2 in their life. It is NOT right and it is something Brad and I speak about a lot. Whenever I have the honor of speaking to a moms group, I speak on this topic everytime without fail. I hear much pain in what you say. I have a feeling you know first hand how this feels. That being said, not every women wants this life. Not every women wants to be “married” to her kids. Sometimes it happens over time, some more choose it. Yet there are many wives out there who very much want a passionate, sex filled healthy oneness with their hubby. Just as wives are human, so are husbands. We all have things we struggle with and those things Satan tried to capitolize on. He uses them to make a huge gap in our oneness. Both husband and wife need to seek God on their one flesh marriage.

      To be quite honest, I have share that I struggled with sex in our marriage for about 5 years. But those years were prior to our children. Once we had our children, I did not only want them. Brad has shared, that he never really felt left out or put aside when our kids came along! There are many reasons women struggle (just as men). Having a baby really changes your hormones and your body. Should we be ok with it-yup-but we love it a fallen world and life is not always what it should be. The only way to get through these times is to extend grace, talk about everything, follow God’s leading and cling to one another.

      I hope and pray that you can find this level of healing in your marriage. God is the God if hope, healing and restoration! Please know that we are praying for you! Blessings, Kate

  8. I just want to say thank you for the post. It has truly opened my eyes and helped me to understand how to change my relationship with my wife. I have a hard time expressing my true emotions and motives behind sex and I am 100% positive that I make my wife feel that sex is just about the physical part of it when it means so much more than that. Your article has truly been a blessing to me this morning and pray that it will help me to change me so that our marriage can change. Thank you so much and God Bless.

  9. Many factors exist as to “why” wives shut down sexually. She could have a root of bitterness from past hurts not forgiven and forgotten (often a woman feeling numb is a good indication), hormones change where she doesn’t have a sexual appetite like she did when she was younger, she has present resentment for their current relationship condition or living situation, she is in absolute rebellion to the marriage bed because she wants “payback” for something, even just knowing that hubby really loves sex with her, etc. Rebellion is as witchcraft, which is the wife controlling the marriage bed. The reality is that the husband’s body belongs to the wife, and the wife’s body belongs to the husband, and this is for care and nurture during sickness and tiredness, as well as the marriage bed. Only thru mutual agreement should a couple stop having sexual relations, and only for an agreed time of fasting and prayer. How shall two walk together lest they be agreed…a wife who stops having sex without the agreement of her husband has already broken unity of the Spirit and the Word. Any repairing of the relationship must start with her realizing she has sinned against her husband in this area, and there is need for repentance on her part. Yes, sex is both based on duty, and desire. We honor food and our bellies by eating 2 to 3 times a day, we honor money and provision by working 40 to 60 hours a week in a paid job, we honor personal hygiene and appearance by investing 7 hours a week to shower, do our hair and put on make-up (if you are a woman), yet we don’t honor the marriage bed with ample time. We should never shut ourselves off to our mates emotionally, relationally, or sexually at any point. If my wife needed or wanted sex once a day, and I couldn’t get an erection, I would make it a point to satisfy her the best way I could. She would never have to beg me for sex, because my mind and heart are hard-wired to never withhold affection, pleasure, and communication from her, for any reason.

  10. Been married for over twenty yrs and seven kids later. My husband was a man that stood above the rest and was the only one in the world i trusted and souly compelted Me. But now he never Wants me around, touch me, and to intiate sex with me is a joke. I recently caught him cheating on me and forgave him but he resents me for it daily. Now the looks i get are of hatered and disgust and it tears me apart. I desperately need advice. I die more a little everyday and he could careless to save me. Plz help me to comprehend just a little on where i stand if at all and what to do.


    • Hi Jen,
      My heart breaks for where you are right now, but I also know that there can be healing for you and your hubby! Not knowing all of the specifics, I would first share that you and your hubby seeking counseling would be a good thing. You both need to process and talk through your marriage before and after the affair. You say that he seems to resent you for finding out and forgiving him, that is most likely his own self loathing. But really you two need to talk through and process all that has happened and then start to move forward together. Right now it seems that you both of moving forward, but seperatly. Please know that you are not alone and that there are others out there struggling with similar situations. Also never underestmate God, he can move mountains and raise people from the dead-he CAN heal your marriage. Spend lots of time with him, seeking him and following what he tells you to do as a wife. Pray for your husband, not for the changes you want to see, but just pray for him. That he would be blessed and that he would know how much God loves him. If you ever want to talk further and share more of your story, feel free to email me anytime at! Know that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate


    The last 2 nights I have pretty much cried myself to sleep. I have no idea why but my wife is actively avoiding sex, like actively not coming to bed early. We have sex 3 times this year. I’ve already had a seizure due to stress because of it. My specialist had diagnosed me with depression.
    Everyone says that “God hears you” , quoting Scripture blah blah. Well I tell you what – that means nothing anymore. I’m so numb to being constantly rejected, the idea of Gos listening doesn’t matter. I’m gutted and heartbroken and I don’t want some nice words. I need God to change something.

    No one responds to my emails; no one seems to care. All the advice I get is “do more to help her”, “talk to her”. It doesn’t work people. I think my next option is to leave. Why is she avoiding me? Has she done something with someone else she’s scared of confessing? I have prayed hard for months on end and all that has happened is it’s got worse, I’ve had a stress seizure and being diagnosed with depression.

    I’ve basically lost all faith that God can change this. That He hears me means nothing because I am so, so sad and disappointed at constant rejection.

  12. I have been married for nearly 20 years and we have rarely had sex even as newlyweds. We have 2 children but conceiving them was more of a duty for him than a pleasure. We have only had sex once since my youngest was born nearly 12 years ago. I used to try to initiate sex but he always had a lame excuse: he was too tired, too hot or not in the mood. I got fed up with being rejected so I stopped asking. The last time we did do it, I felt so used and disgusted I never wanted it again. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t perverted sex, there was just no intimacy and I felt used. Since then neither of us has asked the other for sex and our marriage us falling apart because I can’t bear the general lack of intimacy. We don’t talk, don’t go out. He is too interested in work and coaching gymnastics. I don’t want to stay, but as a Christian I feel I must. Us this right?

  13. I have been married for nearly 20 years and we have rarely had sex even as newlyweds. We have 2 children but conceiving them was more of a duty for him than a pleasure. We have only had sex once since my youngest was born nearly 12 years ago. I used to try to initiate sex but he always had a lame excuse: he was too tired, too hot or not in the mood. I got fed up with being rejected so I stopped asking. The last time we did do it, I felt so used and disgusted I never wanted it again. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t perverted sex, there was just no intimacy and I felt used. Since then neither of us has asked the other for sex and our marriage us falling apart because I can’t bear the general lack of intimacy. We don’t talk, don’t go out. He is too interested in work and coaching gymnastics. I don’t want to stay, but as a Christian I feel I must. Is this right?

  14. Haven’t had sex for 5 months. I do NOT hound my wife for sex. If I did it would be a “ok hurry up and get the *&%$ off me”… which I don’t want… so I don’t pester her. I want her heart and mind more than her body. After working 90hrs a week and being a good dad and doing everything for her.. I just want a little something that shows I’m cutting it as a husband. Wife said she’s mad at me and resents me but doesn’t know why. I desperately want to apologize and fix whatever it was that offended her.
    how do I send you guys an email?

    • Hi Jeff! My heart breaks for what you have shared. Please know that you are not alone, as you can see by the other comments here. There are many husbands/wives that are in the same place as you and your wife. We would be glad to chat with you further. You can email us, by clicking on this link! Hope that helps! Blessings, Kate

  15. I am sitting here reading through all these bitter, hateful, and resentful comments. I am a woman am appalled at how you talk about your wives. Its no wonder they reject you. I can only imagine how you make her feel at home behind closed doors if this is how you bash her to strangers behind a computer screen. I do not agree with either the husband or wife for rejecting the other, but its clear here WHY your wives are rejecting you. And to be honest I dont blame them. Wow, all I can say is my heart breaks for those women. You men need to do some serious soul searching, prayer, reading scripture and get some counselling from a pastor for YOURSELVES before you caqn expect your wife to just lay down and have “relations” with you.

    • Do you think these comments are formed in a vaccum? Yes, there are bitter comments here, but it’s born out of years and years of resentment and rejection. I know dozens and dozens of truly good men who would sacrifice everything they have for their families, yet find their wives unable to work up the smallest bit of concern for their sex drive. The women they swore to love, honor, and cherish have systematically turned off the tap and have been drip-feeding sex for years. Women who have no end of love and affection for their children, yet can’t be bothered to give their husbands more than a peck on the lips.

      Again, these men are not abusive, neglectful, lazy, whatever. They love their wives and love their kids, but months and sometimes years with no meaningful sexual relations with their wives leads to serious resentment; that’s not a failing of the men, it’s a natural and understandable reaction to the lack of care and empathy from their wives.

      It takes two to tango, but men always get the short end of the stick in these conversations. If they’re not getting the sex they want, they *must* be deficient in some way (or so the argument goes). Of course, this neglects the fact that a lot of wives are incredibly selfish and wield the sexual power they have over their husbands in a particularly cruel manner.

  16. I am in a twenty five year sexual drought, I was told by my wife that she didn’t want to have sex with me because she didn’t respect me. This last year she has told me she doesn’t love me. On the rare occasions we have sex she is as much a non participant as she can muster. The only thing she says to me in bed is to hurry up and finish. I am committed to keeping my vow and not divorcing, I am also committed to not being, forcing or bribing her. I was once told by a pastor that a man’s house is not his castle but his cross; he goes home to die. It feels as though it is my testicles that are daily being nailed up so that I can give myself to my wife, as Christ did for the church.

    My only release is masturbating, my only hope is death. Tell me again how withholding, if not central does not at least contribute to every other issue and conflict? Tell me again how a man in a situation like mine is able to lead when his most noble option is to live out his days add a virtual eunuch, seedless serving the whims of his Queen?

  17. I gave up on begging for sex. Two years plus have gone by and we are just buddies. I’m sure we are doomed for lack of communication but she has proven she has no desire for me. In two years I’ve only heard you don’t like me anymore. I’m the man whose lust and desire for his wife knows no boundaries. Yet if I dont beg/initiate sex it will not happen..for two years plus now. And yes, if I beg/ initiate sex it probably still won’t happen..she’s a workaholic at 14 hours per day. And for all of you man haters she has always climaxed first…heavy breathing and vaginal flooding not to mention increased heart beat…can these all be faked…no. Her mother and father have been without intimacy since I’ve known her…is this genetic? I look forward to comments on my doomed marriage.

  18. God has nothing to do with this matter. I worked with a man who confided in me that after getting married his wife said she didnt need to have sex with him. This of course led to divorce. God was not in that marriage as He is not in yours, or mine for that matter. I believe that divorce is in our future and God is also. A woman’s independence can be misunderstood at many levels! May god have mercy on us and lead us to a proper life. Amen

  19. I have been married for 34 years to a woman I love with all of my heart. She is also my best friend. We had 4 children, our eldest son died in a accident in 2008 aged 25. Added to this I have had health problems that have left me unable to work for 9 years. So as you can see, although we have had many good times together we have also experienced loss and heartache.

    Our sex life has never been good. I accept some of the blame for this because as a young man I could be very thoughtless towards her. I know she used to have to take on far too much responsibility for the house and children while I was always doing things for the church. Both of us found it difficult to talk about sex and still do.

    After our fourth child my wife stopped letting me see her naked, which is something I really miss. She also would no longer let me touch her breasts or vagina. The only thing she would allow me to do was use my penis to stimulate her until she was able to receive me. This was neither satisfying to me or to her, but she would insist she didn’t like being touched. Of course this made it impossible for me to stimulate her enough to arousal let alone orgasm.

    Over the years things got worse with our sex life. She would say just didn’t like sex, in the same way as some people don’t like eating certain foods. Although I’ve asked her to go with me to get help she won’t. Neither will she talk about it. She clams up if I broach the subject.

    For years she allowed me to have sex with her, but it was more for my sake than for hers. Always in the same position facing side by side. I always ended up feeling like I’d used her and hated myself for it.

    Over a year ago I said I’d stop even asking for sex. I could no longer bear the feeling of guilt I had that I was using her. I want to feel close to her not just get my physical needs met.

    So we no longer have any type of sex life. We rarely hug or kiss, if I try she stiffness up. She assures me that she loves me and I’m sure she does. We generally have a great marriage but the sexual side of it is a disaster and fills me with sadness. I have often prayed that something would change but so far all that has happened is it has got worse.

    There is no way I would ever leave my wife. Not because of duty, but because I love her. There is no other human being I would rather spend my time with.

    I still hold to the hope that God will breakthrough into this part of our lives, but with every passing year it looks less likely. So although there is some sadness and a sense of something missing in our rellationship, I try and celebrate the good parts of our marriage. But I still long for the sexual side of our marriage to be good.

    • Hi Paul, thanks so much for being willing to share where you and your wife are. My heart breaks for you both. When we experience issues in your sexual intimacy in marriage, those issues hurt so deeply. So deeply. Please know you are not alone.

      Hold on to that hope! There is always hope, because our God is the God of restoration. He can bridge any gap and heal any wound.

      Your devotion to your wife is something I deeply admire and wish we saw more often. I know it must seem like an impossible time, but talk to your wife. I appreciate that you don’t want to pressure her for sex, but you guys need to talk about it. I think when women deal with low desire, they feel broken. They feel like a failure and a let down to their husband. To be honest, that is how I felt. Sometimes we lump all of our sexual experiences with our husband into “don’t like” because it is a struggle. It is not good nor fair that we do that, but I do think it is what happens. Keep fighting for you guys. Is there a pastor or trusted couple you guys could talk to. Counseling is also a wonderful thing, if you are both comfortable. Even if your not, it still can be good.

      Share with your wife, your heart for your marriage. That you desire for your marriage to continue to grow as you grow and change. That you desire to love her and cherish her in all ways. That while sex is not everything, you desire to share that closeness with her. Try not to point fingers and blame, but to share your heart. How you love her and cannot imagine your life without her. That you want to continue to share all of life’s joys and sorrows, clinging to one another. I imagine if she is honest with herself, she wants that too, but is scared at what that means for her. It means stepping up and loving her man the way God is asking.

      Please know that I am praying for you and your beautiful wife, right now! Blessings, Kate

      • Hi Kate,

        Thank you for taking the time to reply to my comment, I really appreciate it. And thank you for your prayers.

        It has been going on for so long, and there is so much hurt around this subject it is very difficult to for us to even start to talk about it. My wife completely clams up whenever I try. I know she is hurting and feels a failure about this part of our marriage, I also think she feels hopeless. Finding someone we would trust enough to talk to about this would be difficult and I wouldn’t do so without her permission as I wouldn’t want to expose her in that way. The fact that it has been going on for so many years makes dealing with it even more difficult. We are both in our 50s. She is still as beautiful as she was the day I met her just before her 16th birthday.

        My wife is not a selfish woman. She would do anything for anyone and is much loved by everyone who knows her. I am always getting compliments about how fortunate I am to have a wife like her and I do feel fortunate. In many ways she is selfless and always ready to serve others, in fact I often have to tell her to hold back because she’ll burn herself out. I’m sure she isn’t happy with the situation concerning our sex life, and no doubt it affects her self esteem as both a wife and a woman.

        It also affects my self esteem too. This is particularly true since my illness started. I can no longer work so she is the bread winner, I can find this very emasculating. Not having a fulfilling sex life only adds to that feeling.

        The only plus to my illness is that it does affect my sex drive. So although I still desire my wife and long to be close to her, the need for physical release isn’t as strong as it was before my illness. Added to that I take medication for an enlarged prostate, which really does squelch my sex drive.

        I have put this subject on the back burner for a long time mainly because I hate to hurt my wife and can see the pain in her eyes when I try and talk to her. We have also spent the last 6 years dealing with the grief of losing our son. Although we still miss him and the pain will never go away this side of eternity, we are moving on. I somehow stumbled on your website yesterday via a link from another blog that was discussing something completely different. Maybe God is telling me I need to deal with this now.

        It’s easy to think that after 34 years of marriage there is no where else to go, but I truly believe there is always a chance of growing and changing. Our marriage has grown and developed over the years; it is this one big area that we have got stuck in.

        Now this has been bought back into the forefront of my thinking, I’m going to give more time to praying and seeking God for answers, and try and find a way of talking to my wife about this without her feeling too uncomfortable about it. The first thing I guess I need to pray for is that we will both be willing to accept that some discomfort about dealing with this is inevitable, going through that discomfort is the only way that we will grow and find the completeness I’m sure we both desire.


        • One thing my wife has said in the past is she is frightened to lose control. I don’t think this just relates to in the bedroom; she does like things to happen smoothly, although she will rarely let anyone see this side of her other than me. I often think think of her being a bit like a swan – on the surface she seems to glide gracefully along, while beneath the water she is paddling like mad.

          She lost her mother to cancer in her early teens. She knew her mum was unwell but didn’t know she was dying. One day her dad picked her and her sister up in his car and casually told them their mum was dead. This is part of her brokenness. She remembers very little of her childhood. She has had counselling and prayer about this in the past but I’m not convinced she experienced the healing she needed.

          So I am sure that our sexual difficulties have deeper roots than just the physical side. I made things worse with my own brokenness and lack of consideration in the early days of our marriage. I believe we’ve both changed a lot over the last 34 years, but the damage is still there.

          I have always wanted to pray with her,but she feels uncomfortable praying with me. We have tried to many times but she finds it too difficult. This probably is related in that it suggests her difficulty with intimacy. Not that this has ever affected her as a mother and now a grandmother, he has always had a warm loving relationship with our children and grandchildren. They all adore her.

          Sorry for rambling on. I guess it’s just good to be able to share my thoughts anonymously.

          • Paul,

            Have you ever checked out The Marriage Bed forums? I believe you will find much support and help there.


  20. Thank you Sandi. In fact this is the first time I have ever shared any of this with anyone. I will have a look at the Marriage Bed forums, although I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been wise sharing as much as I have.

    • Paul,
      I think it’s common to be concerned. Sex is private, but you haven’t revealed anything that is specific. The enemy likes to keep secrets in the dark because that prevents healing.
      You have been very respectful of your wife. She may not like it that you’re reaching out for help because it may push her to get the help she needs, but may not want. Healing is painful and scary at times, but coming out on the other side is amazing. I grieve for the years wasted when I refused to talk about it and my poor husband had nowhere to turn (or so he thought).

      Please seek help for her sake as well as your own. She really doesn’t know what she’s missing and she will need help and some amount of insistence on your part to get the help she needs. That isn’t selfish on your part. She needs this and your marriage needs this.

      If she hasn’t read “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn, I would totally recommend it.
      And please do check out:
      I really believe it will be a blessing to you both.

    • Hi Paul, I think you have been most respectful and loving as you have shared. I see a deep desire to continue to love your wife as God is calling you too. I am only going on what you have shared of your wife, but it seems to be, she also deeply wants to be the wife God is asking of her. The Marriage Bed is run by our dear friends Paul and Lori, also known as The Generous Husband and The Generous Wife. They have been doing online marriage ministry for years, they are the ones who have gone before us ALL! Brad and I have great respect for them, so checking out their forum is good. But mostly keep praying and asking God to lead you in finding ways to open up this conversation with your wife. Always sharing how you love her and want good for her and your marriage. Seek God on how you can love and serve her everyday, no matter what. God can meet you guys where you are. He wants deeply for you and your lovely wife to have healing in this area of your marriage. Please know we are praying and that we are here if we can ever help in any way! Blessings, Kate

  21. Hold on a minute. One thing I disagree with- sort of. “men begging for sex/ wanting sex release/ insults the woman. OK- I get that…to a point BUT what is not pointed out is that is this angle: If the woman DOES NOT want to be “insulted” by the man begging for sex, do YOUR PART to keep it from getting to that point. No guy WANTS to beg for sex- any more than the woman want him begging. BUT sorry ladies- you CANNOT turn off human nature. You cannot STOP your period any more than a guy can “turn off” his sexual desire. My wife withholds/ withholds / witholds (yes, I am being mr loving nice guy!) SORRY- it gets to the point of frustration. And it’s sheer feminist crap to not get that. Women REALLY need some REAL education on this. THANK GOD for DR. LAURA! She really comes down hard on women for not getting this. GIVE some sex!!! and you won’t be forcing your husband to beg!

  22. I am reading these posts with. Mixed feelings .I almost want to scream.i am married to my husband forr 25 years. We stopped having desent sex. Nine years ago. He is currently dementic.and sex is one of those things that hes forgotten about.he is not responsive to any touch nor talk. I in the meantime rage with desire.i do not know how to go about it. It is physically painful. I wonder whether God sees me and wonder whether I would ever find a solution to this its ambrarrasing and yet its such a real raging need.