“Please Honey, please can’t we just have sex tonight?” When I talked about the “Oliver Man Method” in my post, “Sex: The art of Asking for More” I admit that I was thinking about husbands who are maybe sexually thirsty. I did not have in mind the couples that Kate was speaking to in her series, “We Haven’t Had Sex in Over a Year”. Reading these posts my heart went out to these couples, especially these husbands who are living in a marriage that is in a sexual drought. This level of sexual dehydration puts the perspective of begging for more in a different light. I think we can all understand the man who begs when his wife has refused him for a month or more. The question though becomes, is this the right approach?
One brave man commented, “I am ALWAYS initiating, and usually getting shot down. Then on the off-chance she says yes… I feel like crap after we are done.” I remember this feeling. While our marriage never dropped to the level of a sexual drought, I can say that there were times we were in a sexual dry spell. In those times I recognized that my asking, pleading and begging even if it resulted in us having sex, as it often did, did not lead to my feeling filled. I too would leave those times of intimacy and feel worse, frustrated and alone. Why?
When Kate and I were first married sex was great. It was new, fun, and frequent! Over the first year of our marriage things began to change for many reasons. I had brought some unhealthy habits into our marriage that started to crumble our foundations. While those are key to understanding our transition from broken to beauty, I will be blogging more on that later. As a result of some of those habits I did not approach sex, or asking for sex in a healthy way. I used to use locker room methods to tell Kate I wanted sex, and then when she didn’t get the hint, I would go silent. I would just wait for her to initiate. I was sexually thirsty but I didn’t know how to fix the problem so I did the logical thing, blame Kate for the problem.
Begging for a Drink
Whenever Kate and I would argue, I would use my sexual thirst as ammo. I would blame Kate for the problem, and beg for a solution. Why did I do this? Simple, it worked. Kate knew it was a problem too, and felt badly that we were not as sexually connected as either of us wanted to be. My tossing it out in every fight distracted her from any of my issues, and allowed me not to take any responsibility for change. In essence, I was saying, “If you would give me more sex then everything in our marriage would be fine”. I kept asking Kate to fill my immediate need, to quench my sexual thirst, to give me sexual release. My awesome wife would hear this plea, and respond, for a time we would go back to having more regular sex.
Unfortunately, as is often the case the true need I was feeling was not just sexual release; it was the desire for connection. God didn’t just create us with a need for sexual release. He created us differently then the animals, which follow “nature’s call” for mating. God called us to “become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) which is something entirely different. I believe in these three words he has given us a glimpse, a flavor of the type of relationship he has in the trinity. I’m not going to get too theological here, only to say that relationship is important to God, and that is how he created us to be. When we have sexual release in the absence of building relationship, our spirit knows that something is missing. For while we are thirsty for sexual release what we are really looking for is connection through sexual oneness.
Guys, you will not be able to beg your way to sexual oneness. You will not be able to guilt your way to sexual oneness. You will not be able to argue your way to sexual oneness. But this is exactly what we are trying to do when we beg, guilt, or argue about wanting more sex. Instead of asking your wife to give you a drink of water, you need to ask her to help you dig a well.
Digging a Well
Husbands, if you are living in a sexual drought and are regularly arguing about sex, or if you have resorted to regularly begging for sex then you need to rethink what you are actually asking for. Stop asking and begging for a drink when you really desire to find the well of sexual fulfillment. Beg for change, don’t beg for sex.
- Begging for change says “WE” are important
- Begging for sex says I need release
- Begging for change says I need “US” to get better
- Begging for sex says I need you to change.
Guys, your wife is conditioned to hearing your begging and arguing for more sex as saying, “I need sexual release”. How do you think that makes her feel? Unloved, unimportant, and used. Are those words that you want your wife to associate with sex? When you beg for change you are telling your wife that there is something more important than sex: HER. You need to communicate very clearly that your desire is not for sexual release, it is a desire to improve your whole relationship, and that includes the sexual part!
To find out more about what change looks like, well, stay tuned. I’ll be writing more on that next post.