“What? You haven’t had sex in over a year?” That is exactly what I am thinking every time I read comments like this. Here are some other comments we have seen as well: (these are paraphrased for privacy.)
“My wife and I have sex once a month if I am lucky and I usually have to beg, after being shot down repeatedly ”
“My wife and I have not had sex in almost two months. This has been our ongoing struggle for years. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she wants to know why. She doesn’t see anything wrong with this picture.”
“My wife and I have sex an average of 3-4 times a year.”
“My wife and I have not had sex in months, some would call that sin!”
“My wife and I have not had sex in over 5 years. But I am trying my hardest to remain obedient to God’s word and what he asks of me as a husband.”
“My wife and I haven’t had sex in so long I can’t remember. She doesn’t realize that the ONLY reason I am still in this marriage, is because God called me to remain faithful. I have tried many things, asked so many times to go to counseling or a doctor. She refuses. I am to the point where I don’t even like her or find her attractive anymore. Why can she not see her “no sex” has taken our marriage and thrown it away?”
I have to tell you these kinds of raw comments have been on my heart for quite sometime. Whenever I read them, it always tears at my heart and I feel the pain of these husbands and wives. Yes, both the husbands and wives. I feel deeply for the husbands because they are suffering in great ways. Pent up sexual desire, trying to keep other woman out of their minds, possibly masturbation, etc. I also feel for the wives, because either they truly don’t know what they are missing, or they do and are ok with just lying to themselves, and ignoring the sexual issues in their marriage. Regardless, I believe the wives are hurting too.
Reading these comments also brings me to my knees in remembrance of how I was sexually unavailable to Brad for many years in the beginning of our marriage. As far as the two of us can remember, at our worst, we had sex only 2 or 3 times a month. But there where many years, where that was the norm. I cringe when I think of how I was being disobedient to God’s word and plan for marriage and intimacy.
So why am I sharing this with wives today? I am truly hoping that this may open up some of your eyes, that you would have eyes to see and ears to hear God’s plan for sex in your marriage. That you will see how your lack of being sexually available is hurting your marriage in ways you would never imagine.
I am writing to wives today, to those of you who are reading this and know in your heart that you are one of these wives. While my heart goes out to you, as one who has struggled before you, my heart is also compelled to share with you how wrong this is. Sexual intimacy is so important in a marriage. You CANNOT just deny it and forget about it. You are ripping apart your marriage and the vow that you took standing before God and agreeing to cherish and nurture, forever!
For those of you wives out there, who want to scream at me because YOU want sex and your hubby is the one who is not sexually available. This post was not written for you. I know it is such a struggle for you as well. You may find you feel much of what these husbands above have said, if that is the case, stay, read and just change the genders where needed. Or feel free to stop reading. But I have to be honest, it is the hubby’s comments that God has burned on my heart today.
Own up and get some help!
Admit to yourself that you struggle greatly in this area. Denial will only keep you there longer. Confession is cleansing and healing. Talk to God first, share with him your confession, as Him for help. Sit down and confess to your husband that you struggle in this area. Humble yourself and ask for forgiveness, but don’t stop there, ask him to help you figure out how to get back on track and into God’s will for sexual intimacy. This may mean counseling, seeing a physician or both. Remember that you may need help getting back on track, whether it be physically and/or emotionally. Your husband should be a part of this process. If you have a physical reason that desire is low, or intercourse is painful than your hubby should be there with you in the Gynecologist’s office so he too can hear about possible treatment and side effects. Sex and intimacy is not about him and her, it is about being One Flesh! I know you are thinking, “he would never want to go with me”. Ask him, I bet you will be surprised what your hubby is willing to do to ensure that you both enjoy regular, soul connecting sexual intimacy. I think a hubby would do most anything. Don’t sell him short, ask him.
Find female accountability!
Find another female who is willing to encourage you and hold you accountable in your marriage. Especially in sexual intimacy, if it has been a struggle. The woman you ask should have a good One Flesh connected marriage herself. Knowing that every week you are going to have to answer questions, regarding your sexual availability to your husband is a good way to keep you on track. Your accountability partner can also serve as a marriage/intimacy mentor. Make sure whom every you meet with is willing to be open and honest about all aspects of sex and marriage. You will need this kind of openness to grow and move past future roadblocks. One word of caution, be careful not to let this person replace talking to your hubby. Communication with him is more important that any other person.
Keep 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 close at hand, memorize it!
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (NLT)
This scripture leaves little wiggle room. Wives, we are told to fulfill our husband’s sexual needs. We are told to give authority of our bodies over to our husbands. We are told NOT to deprive our husbands of sexual intimacy unless it is agreed upon by BOTH partners, and even then it should only be for a short time, for prayer. We are told that when we are not doing the above things, we are opening up the door for Satan to walk right into our marriages and wreak havoc. We are inviting sexual temptation into our marriage. If you are not following what this scripture says then you are being disobedient to God’s Word. Keeping in mind that I too disregarded it for years, the reality is that if you are not following God’s Word, you are not doing what He has asked of you. Whether you like it or not, that is the truth.
I think (disobedience, or a sexless marriage) is not what you want for your marriage. Will you choose today to see what you are doing to your marriage? Will you choose to fight for your marriage and your sexual intimacy, no matter what?
- No matter how many doctor’s visits you may need to go to,
- No matter how many creams you need to rub here and there,
- No matter how many counseling visits you have,
- No matter what!
Whatever is keeping you from healthy, regular sexual intimacy with your husband can be overcome. There is noting too big that God can’t handle it. There is no one so broken that God can’t heal them. There is no marriage so far gone that God can’t hold it up and bless it in abundance. You only have to be willing!
If you are unsure of the next step to take, please contact us, we would love to talk to you one on one. Husband or wife! Brad and I have a desire in our hearts to see all marriages restored to God’s plan for them. We all have sinned and fall short and that includes in our marriages. But it is whether or not we choose to stay stuck in disobedience, that will determine where your marriage heads.
Another great article on this subject was written by my friend, Julie Seibert. Would You Be Fine With Your Husband Having Sex With Someone Else? Be sure to check it out.
Follow-Up: Many comments and emails asked me to continue the story, to tell how Brad and I changed our sex life. Since that was just too long to leave in the comments, I added a second post to this series. To hear our story check out, “Sexual Intimacy: Journey from Broken to Beauty“