Kate says:
“What? You haven’t had sex in over a year?” That is exactly what I am thinking every time I read comments like this. Here are some other comments we have seen as well: (these are paraphrased for privacy.)
“My wife and I have sex once a month if I am lucky and I usually have to beg, after being shot down repeatedly ”
“My wife and I have not had sex in almost two months. This has been our ongoing struggle for years. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she wants to know why. She doesn’t see anything wrong with this picture.”
“My wife and I have sex an average of 3-4 times a year.”
“My wife and I have not had sex in months, some would call that sin!”
“My wife and I have not had sex in over 5 years. But I am trying my hardest to remain obedient to God’s word and what he asks of me as a husband.”
“My wife and I haven’t had sex in so long I can’t remember. She doesn’t realize that the ONLY reason I am still in this marriage, is because God called me to remain faithful. I have tried many things, asked so many times to go to counseling or a doctor. She refuses. I am to the point where I don’t even like her or find her attractive anymore. Why can she not see her “no sex” has taken our marriage and thrown it away?”
I have to tell you these kinds of raw comments have been on my heart for quite sometime. Whenever I read them, it always tears at my heart and I feel the pain of these husbands and wives. Yes, both the husbands and wives. I feel deeply for the husbands because they are suffering in great ways. Pent up sexual desire, trying to keep other woman out of their minds, possibly masturbation, etc. I also feel for the wives, because either they truly don’t know what they are missing, or they do and are ok with just lying to themselves, and ignoring the sexual issues in their marriage. Regardless, I believe the wives are hurting too.
Reading these comments also brings me to my knees in remembrance of how I was sexually unavailable to Brad for many years in the beginning of our marriage. As far as the two of us can remember, at our worst, we had sex only 2 or 3 times a month. But there where many years, where that was the norm. I cringe when I think of how I was being disobedient to God’s word and plan for marriage and intimacy.
So why am I sharing this with wives today? I am truly hoping that this may open up some of your eyes, that you would have eyes to see and ears to hear God’s plan for sex in your marriage. That you will see how your lack of being sexually available is hurting your marriage in ways you would never imagine.
I am writing to wives today, to those of you who are reading this and know in your heart that you are one of these wives. While my heart goes out to you, as one who has struggled before you, my heart is also compelled to share with you how wrong this is. Sexual intimacy is so important in a marriage. You CANNOT just deny it and forget about it. You are ripping apart your marriage and the vow that you took standing before God and agreeing to cherish and nurture, forever!
For those of you wives out there, who want to scream at me because YOU want sex and your hubby is the one who is not sexually available. This post was not written for you. I know it is such a struggle for you as well. You may find you feel much of what these husbands above have said, if that is the case, stay, read and just change the genders where needed. Or feel free to stop reading. But I have to be honest, it is the hubby’s comments that God has burned on my heart today.
Own up and get some help!
Admit to yourself that you struggle greatly in this area. Denial will only keep you there longer. Confession is cleansing and healing. Talk to God first, share with him your confession, as Him for help. Sit down and confess to your husband that you struggle in this area. Humble yourself and ask for forgiveness, but don’t stop there, ask him to help you figure out how to get back on track and into God’s will for sexual intimacy. This may mean counseling, seeing a physician or both. Remember that you may need help getting back on track, whether it be physically and/or emotionally. Your husband should be a part of this process. If you have a physical reason that desire is low, or intercourse is painful than your hubby should be there with you in the Gynecologist’s office so he too can hear about possible treatment and side effects. Sex and intimacy is not about him and her, it is about being One Flesh! I know you are thinking, “he would never want to go with me”. Ask him, I bet you will be surprised what your hubby is willing to do to ensure that you both enjoy regular, soul connecting sexual intimacy. I think a hubby would do most anything. Don’t sell him short, ask him.
Find female accountability!
Find another female who is willing to encourage you and hold you accountable in your marriage. Especially in sexual intimacy, if it has been a struggle. The woman you ask should have a good One Flesh connected marriage herself. Knowing that every week you are going to have to answer questions, regarding your sexual availability to your husband is a good way to keep you on track. Your accountability partner can also serve as a marriage/intimacy mentor. Make sure whom every you meet with is willing to be open and honest about all aspects of sex and marriage. You will need this kind of openness to grow and move past future roadblocks. One word of caution, be careful not to let this person replace talking to your hubby. Communication with him is more important that any other person.
Keep 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 close at hand, memorize it!
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (NLT)
This scripture leaves little wiggle room. Wives, we are told to fulfill our husband’s sexual needs. We are told to give authority of our bodies over to our husbands. We are told NOT to deprive our husbands of sexual intimacy unless it is agreed upon by BOTH partners, and even then it should only be for a short time, for prayer. We are told that when we are not doing the above things, we are opening up the door for Satan to walk right into our marriages and wreak havoc. We are inviting sexual temptation into our marriage. If you are not following what this scripture says then you are being disobedient to God’s Word. Keeping in mind that I too disregarded it for years, the reality is that if you are not following God’s Word, you are not doing what He has asked of you. Whether you like it or not, that is the truth.
I think (disobedience, or a sexless marriage) is not what you want for your marriage. Will you choose today to see what you are doing to your marriage? Will you choose to fight for your marriage and your sexual intimacy, no matter what?
- No matter how many doctor’s visits you may need to go to,
- No matter how many creams you need to rub here and there,
- No matter how many counseling visits you have,
- No matter what!
Whatever is keeping you from healthy, regular sexual intimacy with your husband can be overcome. There is noting too big that God can’t handle it. There is no one so broken that God can’t heal them. There is no marriage so far gone that God can’t hold it up and bless it in abundance. You only have to be willing!
If you are unsure of the next step to take, please contact us, we would love to talk to you one on one. Husband or wife! Brad and I have a desire in our hearts to see all marriages restored to God’s plan for them. We all have sinned and fall short and that includes in our marriages. But it is whether or not we choose to stay stuck in disobedience, that will determine where your marriage heads.
Another great article on this subject was written by my friend, Julie Seibert. Would You Be Fine With Your Husband Having Sex With Someone Else? Be sure to check it out.
Follow-Up: Many comments and emails asked me to continue the story, to tell how Brad and I changed our sex life. Since that was just too long to leave in the comments, I added a second post to this series. To hear our story check out, “Sexual Intimacy: Journey from Broken to Beauty“
Kate,
I'd be interested in hearing what turned you around. Perhaps there is a post on it already to which you can point me.
What I'm really interested in knowing was it because Brad started picking up his socks off the floor and putting them in the hamper, or started helping around the house more or something that happened internally with you?
Thanks!
So i find this article as i lay on the couch crying because all intimacy is out of my 22 year marriage and i’m not sure of what the next step and it is my fault. I HATE sex i know that is the strong word, but i do, i can’t stand to be touched or even looked at. I hate the way i look, the way i feel. The last time we had sex was,a year ago and i felt like i was suffocating. I have absolutely no desire for sex, but yet i am saddened because i know how much it hurts my husband. I don’t know how to get passed feeling so dirty and getting professional help is not an option financially. I don’t know where to turn. I love my husband, but hate what i am doing to him. I also love God as my Savior, but find i am angry with him because He has made sex is so important in a marriage. I just want to be loved regardless of my breasts or because i am giving sex. Please help me Lord.
Robin,
My heart aches to read your post.
I wish I could offer you a magical solution, but I can’t. It sounds, from reading your words, that you are struggling between what you know to be right in your mind, and what you feel you hate. I think your answer lies in the fact that you DO know what is right – God HAS made marriage, God HAS made sex a part of marriage of key importance. God has made these things good. So the first step, I would suggest, is for you to decide whether you are going to pursue what you know to be right regardless of how you feel about it. If the answer is yes, I don’t mean to belittle your situation by suggesting the road ahead will be easy. But I urge you to (A) pray to God frequently and lay everything in His hands, (B) communicate with your husband and let him know you want to take steps to improve things for both of you, and (C) find another Godly woman you can confide in and ask for advice and encouragement. Also, don’t dismiss the option of professional help without first investigating. My wife and I are currently seeing a licensed marriage counselor, and for those whose insurance won’t cover the counseling he has a sliding scale of $60 to $90 an hour, based on income. So perhaps you and your husband could commit to a fixed number of sessions, say three to five. That might be enough to help get things rolling in the right diretion, and for an investment of only $200-$300.
I hope my words are helpful and encouraging…
Kate – when sex was rare, did you know how much this hurt Brad?
A lot of guys don't let their bride know how much it hurts – you know, be a man, keep it inside. I think that is counter-productive – women are all about feelings, and I think understanding the emotional pain that comes from a lack of sex would hep some women make a change.
Thanks for the great article!
Funny how I came acroos this on twitter because we will talk about this topic on the next Doctor of Love show. Sometimes women have issues with sex because of molestation or rape and their Husbands never knew UNTIL it became an issues in their marriage. That's why it's important to talk about this stuff in premarital counseling…
Oh this topic pains me!! I was also the low desire spouse and I knew all the Scriptures. (I was a youth minister, peak performance coach and recognized "expert" in human potential!)
I just literally, physically could not get aroused, and my husband has always been a loving hunk! And I had zero baggage from my past. Sheesh. Talk about baffling! I prayed, talked to people, got prayer and literally nothing changed until I "stumbled upon" energy psychology which I jokingly say that I stole from the "New Age Crowd." (Now I realize that it's not a new age thing at all.) Many women can just make a decision to have sex and they can do it. I was not one of those women. God had to send me what I consider a miracle.
That's the whole reason I finally launched my winningatromance site, and went public with my story. I seriously don't think we provide a full solution with the admonition to simply pray or use a cognitive approach when the mind/body connection is a complex thing.
If there IS a trauma in the background, then that is all the greater reason to deal with the memories on a cellular level by bringing our mental assent to the Word into our very flesh.
Okay, I'm a little passionate about this – and I totally applaud the work you are doing.
Ultimately, I'm convinced all the answers are in the Word, but many of the people I reach have been so burned by church talk.
Hi Gina! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! I hear you and agree with you wholeheartedly that people are burned out from "theological" talk! Sadly I think there is not enough "church" talk about it. Good, solid, no holding back, church talk about marriage, sex and intimacy. It is the unspoken theological church talk and exspectations that I feel are truly burning people out!
It is funny to see how much our stories run along similar lines. I too was a Youth Minister and Brad was a family therapist, when we were expereincing our first 5 years of marriage. Our lowest points in marriage and intimacy were all within those years. But our church that we worked at, would not have been a place, employee or not that we would have gone to for help. For us, a great deal of the issues, was me standing up and owning what I new to be true about our sex life. I knew it was true, but I just kept ignoring it.
I think one of the toughest aspects of helping wives in this areas, is simply that there can be SO many reasons why they are struggling. Getting to the bottom of those possibilities seems daunting and just too much. And you are right, the mind/body are so intertwined and we cannot exspect people to ever seperate the two. When dealing with sex and intimacy, both have to be taken into considerations. Absolutely! For those of us that have a "healthy" sexual relationship with our spouse, mind/body still has to be nurtured.
All of that to say, thanks for sharing and I agree with you very much! God has placed this on my heart as fo late and I felt called to share. Thanks for all that you do to help marriages become all that God desires for them! Blessings, Kate
Hi Shon Hyneman! Thanks for sharing! What you say is so very true. If there has been trauma in the past, it has to be brought to light. Sadly I think many times it is missed in premarital counseling as well! To be honest sex was hardly even mentioned in our premarital counseling. There are many reasons why a husband or a wife may be having issues with sex and intimacy. The gamut is huge, the possibilities are endless and we may not discover them until after marriage. But the hope is that we will understand how vital intimacy is and be willing to explore how to make it better. It can be a very long process, and one that at times will be hard and challenging, but so worth it! Just breaks my heart to see so many husbands and wives confused and discouraged. So many only married in name when truly they want so much more! Thanks for your ministry as well. All of us are vital to this call! Thanks again for sharing! Kate
I just know that no matter how much I talk to my wife about it, nothing changes. She promised to listen to some of Gina's stuff for my father's day gift. We'll see. Sex twice this year and if we don't do it tonight, we won't until sometime next month at the earliest (she has rules that make us miserable).
Oh well, pray for me. I'm going to beg.
Hi Kentucky Colonel! Thanks for your questions! There was much more I wanted to add to my post, but it was too long as it was! You ask really great questions, and after thinking about it and talking with Brad, we are going to do another post talking about my turn around and the two "breaks" as we like to call them in our marriage. I was thinking it would be a looong responce on here! So I will talk about this and answer Paul's questions as well in a follow up post.
Everyone please go and check out Kentucky Colonel's marriage site. He has some amazing thoughts and insights. We are honored to be serving along side him as a fellow marriage blogger! http://www.agrownupmarriage.com
Blessings! Kate
Hi Paul! Thanks for your question, it is a great one! Once again you got me thinking and we have decided that I will write another follow up post to this one. There was much more I wanted to share in this one, but it was already long. So I will talk further about the two “breaks” in our marriage as we like to call them and how we communicated about intimacy in our marriage. I think you are so right, that many men do keep their hurt inside with lack of sex. I did not realize how much I was hurting Brad at the time, now I understand that very clearly. Will share more soon! Thanks for asking!
Be sure to check our Paul and Lori’s ministries! They are simply-amazing!
http://www.themarriagebed.com
http://www.the-generous-wife.com
http://www.the-generous-husband.com
Blessings, Kate
Well, begging worked last night, but experience tells me not to even try until the end of August. I love my wife so much. This just has to change.
I suggest that husbands who are really struggling with this consider forcing the issue – not physical force, of course, but absolutely insisting that the issue has to be addressed because, otherwise, the marriage may not survive. A very close family member just went through a divorce that was caused by this issue. Although the wife was clearly at fault for refusing sex for many years, the husband was also at fault because he never insisted that the issue be addressed in order to save the marriage. How much better it would have been if he had said 10 years ago, "This marriage will not last unless we address this" and then INSISTED that they address it. Even moving out of the house for a period of time, with the intent of demonstrating how serious the problem was, would have been better than divorce 10 years later.
Just thought I'd mention that this was my struggle as well the first several years of marriage, and I didn't realize until after I stopped taking birth control that it was the BC that killed my sex drive for those years! No one ever tells you about that side effect. Unfortunately, four years later we are still suffering the consequences of those early years as it has damaged our marriage and sex life long term. Despite the lack of desire I wish I would have been more responsive to his needs.
Hi Katie! It is really cool that you wrote and shared this. My follow up post, that will talk more in debth about how our sex evolved and changed, deals with this very subject. I too did not know that BC was killing my sex drive. Thanks for sharing and you will have to check out my next post, it will be up later tonight! Blessings to you and your hubby as you continue to heal and rediscover each other! Kate
Like you, I had no idea what bc pills could do to a woman's libido. When I went off them I was shocked. If I could re-do the last 10 or so years, I would have had a tubal ligation after we had our last child. But I just had no idea. Going off the pill wasn't the entire solution to the problem, but it enabled me to become much more interested in promoting intimacy in our marriage and to take steps to make that happen.
Paul,
I'm so glad that you felt comfortable to comment! It is so important that wives see and understand the struggles that are happening! Thank you!
I feel for your struggle! It has to be very difficult to maintain emotional intimacy in your home without even the hope of physical intimacy. One of the things that I'm going to be talking about in my reply post (not up yet, this is a preview) is how guys in this position feel the need to beg. (using your words). It happens frequently, but unfortunately doesn't usually result in positive results. Even if sex is forthcoming because of the begging it starts things of in the direction of "I need physical release".
I would challenge rather then begging for that physical release start begging for help. I have heard from men who say they ask their wives to get help, which results in them having sex 1 time, then thinking the problem is fixed. We know it isn't fixed, but without communicating the need for help OVER the need for physical release, they don't necessarily get that message.
Lets face it, is physical release important, YES especially if it has been weeks or months, but it is not what is going to fix or even improve your marriage. You need emotional connection, spiritual connection, and more to change.
Ok, enough post preview.. more to come on this later… For now, I would suggest that you take the time between now and the end of August to research a good Christian counselor who isn't afraid to deal with marital sexual issues, and start asking your wife to come so you can BOTH learn together!
God Bless,
Brad
GC,
I think the pill should come with a warning label "May DESTROY your sex drive, Take with caution!" We had no clue until Kate was off the pill!
Like you it wasn't the solution, but it sure helped!
God Bless,
Brad
GC is right. Boldness and clarity is necessary. Fascinating that her advice is coming from a woman!
Hoping that a woman will ever understand this is unrealistic. A woman is not a man–and we're different. I don't think talking is enough to get the full message across.
I've described this in my post: Intimacy and Childbirth.
I'm convinced some real action is needed to communicate the importance of this issue. And men need to admit to themselves that the weak substitutes of masturbation and porn are just that–weak substitutes that make men weaker.
So how many times talking seriously about it… spilling your guts out… putting it all out… and basically getting an "oh, well". NOTHING ever changes. I am at a loss. Ever since my wife went to work (very part time), she has NO time or energy left for me… but does for everything or everyone else. I am ALWAYS initiating, and usually getting shot down. Then on the off chance she says yes… i feel like crap after we are done. I can go out and get sex… that is not what I need… and my wife is the only person I can share that with. Thanks… 'Frustrated'
What are good alternatives to the pill, other than condoms, that don't also affect sex drive? Are there any posts on that you can point me to?
The best place to go and look through all your options is The Marriage Bed. Paul and Lori have a whole section on Birth Control, what they are, how they work, their side effects, etc. It is very informative and can help you to better explore your options! I will put the link below! Thanks for asking! Great question!
http://site.themarriagebed.com/biology/birth-control
Frustrated,
Thank you for your comment! It sounds like this has been a challenge in your marriage for a long time! I commend you for sticking with the struggle! One of the keys is focusing exactly on what you said "On the off chance she says yes… i feel like crap after we are done." I would love for you to expand on this, but my hypothesis is that you feel like crap because while you have achieved physical release it has come only at the expense of further emotional alienation and relational distance. As difficult as it is, I believe this is why you change your focus. Rather then focus on getting her to agree to one more time, work on getting her to agree to help.
I know that is vague, please forgive me. I am writing more on it, and will be posting it soon! (I'll link it here as soon as it is up!)
God Bless,
Brad
I’m reading all these posts and feeling a little frustrated that only wives are being blamed. I am also living in a sexless marriage, but it’s my husband that doesn’t want it. I’ve tried talking about it, crying about it to him and I get nowhere. However, I did like the comment about the husband that should have insisted that they deal with the problem much earlier. I’ve decided that I’m going to seek counseling for myself and go from there. Please pray for e and my husband that we make it through this. I am a child of divorce and it is not an option for me, but I also don’t see how I continue to live this way.
Hi Longing for My Husband!
Thanks you for writing and sharing your thoughts! This is Kate. I hear great hurt and frustration in your words and situation. You are not alone out there by any
means. There are many wives who have
contacted us with similar stories. The
reason this post that I wrote is only talking to the wives, is simply because
that is the way I intended for it to be.
I even said as much in the post.
Many people have written the same comment, whether we are talking
husbands or wives. But the reality for
us as marriage blogger’s is this: we cannot write from every perspective,
addressing everyone-in each post! It
would be LONG and overwhelming. We
write our posts coming from one perspective or another, but not all. We just did a 4 post series on wives being
refused and wanting more sex and intimacy with their hubby’s! It is very important to us to see all sides
and talk about all things that hinder marriages. We have not left wives out, nor have we let hubby’s walk away
from their part in intimacy in marriage.
I hope that is very clear! Its
best to check to see if we have other posts that will address the particular
issues in your own marriage. Just like
you don’t want your struggles to go unnoticed, neither do Brad and I want our
writing to be judged on one or two posts.
I hope you will check out our latest series on wives and sexless
marriages. I will attach the links to
the bottom of this comment.
That being said, I will most definitely pray for you and
your hubby! There is great hope and
healing in God’s plan for marriage, not matter how awful things are. There is no divide in your marriage so big
that God can’t cross it. There were
times I was not sure what would become of Brad and I. But God has broken us of our selfish behavior and blessed us in
ways I never thought imaginable.
Counsleing can be a wonderful tool and we are big encouragers of using
it! Even if it is just you. It is a brave step and I admire you for being willing to do so! I want mostly
for you to know that you are not alone, and that we care deeply for all of our
readers. This is God’s ministry and we
work very hard to seek Him in all that we do.
We do not want to present a one sided blog, ever. But it takes us some time to cover all
avenues. Please know that I am praying
for you and if you would like to chat further, you can always email me at onefleshmarriage@gmail.com! Blessings, Kate
Here are the links I was talking about:
I Can’t Remember the Last Time My Husband Touched Me!
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/i-cant-remember-last-time-my-husband.html
I Can’t Remember the Last Time My Husband Touched Me! Part 2
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/i-cant-remember-last-time-my-husband_13.html
He’s Lost that Loving Feeling!
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/hes-lost-that-loving-feeling.html
He’s Lost that Loving Feeling! Part 2
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/part-2-hes-lost-loving-feeling.html
I am so glad to see this discussion! I was married for 29 years in a sexless marriage. When we did have sex, my wife referred to it as “letting me do it to her.” That was not exactly fulfilling, to say the least, and was only focused on allowing me to have physical release. I needed physical release, but what I needed much more was physical/emotional/spiritual intimacy with her. What started off as rejection of sex later felt like rejection of me. We did see literally dozens of doctors, counselors, and therapists over the 29 years. But after several visits she woud become uncomfortable with the process and refuse to go any more.
Whenever I forced the issue of talking about the problem, she would respond “So, do you want a divorce?” Eventually that became the only viable option because I had absolutely on hope left that change would ever come. At the time leading up to our divorce, I was being treated for depression and PTSD (I’m now a military retiree, 100% disabled veteran). The marital situation was the primary cause of the depression, compounded by my experiences in the military. I was hopeless and felt helpless. It felt like no one on earth could understand and no one cared. I was not suicidal, but I truly didn’t care whether or not I would continue to live.
Now, 5 years after the divorce, I have an absolutely wonderful, loving, and sexually healthy wife! I even got 2 great step-sons in the deal. My wife and I rarely have sex at night, because she is a morning person. But the mornings are awesome and we have sex more mornings than not. We both work, but we go to bed early and set the alarm for our special time. And, no, we are not still on our honeymoon – over 2 years already. Life is good!
Marriage is not all about sex, but it is incredibly difficult when one person is deprived of their normal and natural desires being fulfilled. It is a shame that my first wife and I had to end up divorcing, and I wish it had been different. But even if it comes to a divorce, it is not the end of the world.
To have a healthy marriage, find out what your spouse needs most and do everything possible to fulfill that need. Put your spouse first in every thing you do, every thought you have, every plan you make. If both of you will do this, marriage and life is just great.
Dave,
Thank you for sharing your obviously very challenging story! While it is always our hope to see couples work through these challenges, it is important to recognize that a lack of sex can and often does contribute to divorce. This stuff is important, that is why we keep writing about it! Thanks for sharing!
What would you recommend for a couple struggling when the husband is refusing sex?
Hi! This is something that we hear from a great many wives. The first thing I would say is that it is much more common then society and even those around us are willing to admit. You are not alone! Brada and I have written several posts on this very subject. Here are a few to check out. Feel free to email us personally if you would like to talk further. Know that we are praying for you and your spouse!
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/i-cant-remember-last-time-my-husband.html
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/i-cant-remember-last-time-my-husband_13.html
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/hes-lost-that-loving-feeling.html
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/part-2-hes-lost-loving-feeling.html
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/01/sex-when-your-hubby-is-lacking-desire.html
My wife has not had sex with me in 2 years. The year before was 3 times,the year before that was 8 times.It was 11 times the year before that. She doesn’t want to see a counselor because everything is just right in her eyes.We’ve been married 28 years. She doesn’t see anything wrong in our marriage.I have never cheated on her. At one point she said I needed to get a concubine.I asked her 2 nights ago if it ever entered her mind to make love to her husband and she said NO! I see these women whose husbands won’t take care of them & I think, where are they!
[...] post was for the wives! For you husbands out there wanting more sex, check out our recent posts, ‘We Haven’t Had Sex in Over a Year’ and ‘Life In Sexual Drought Begging for Change‘. /* /* Filed in: For [...]
Oh boy, where do I start? Actually, in my case it was my husband who didn’t want sex. Even from the very beginning of our honeymoon 6.5 years ago, I felt that he was almost annoyed because I wanted sex more than him. Then, over time it became less and less, to the point it was maybe once every six weeks if I begged him several days in advance (who wants to beg their husband to have sex with them, seriously??-It makes me feel absolutely WORTHLESS).
However, it was ALWAYS a chore to him… He even admitted that! Things finally came to a head one day after it had been months (I blew up at him one day and told him I couldn’t take it anymore & that I was seriously tempted to cheat for the first time), and he said he just wasn’t as sexual as he “thought” he was before we got married (he was a virgin I wasn’t) on top of the fact he realized he used denying me sex all the time as a control measure in our marriage, because he knew I desired it more than him. Yet, he still bluntly said, quote “I know you’ll never degrade yourself like that… I sure think better of you than to do something like that!” Yet, he would never get how serious it was to me and STILL wouldn’t go to counseling at that point to get help (as if it was all my fault)!
So, I decided to try and stick it out again for another two years and nothing really changed. He wold still give me looks of disgust if I “requested” sex?! Also, he had told me before we got married that he couldn’t wait to try oral sex and french kissing, etc., and well, I’ll just say I found out finally (after he would always close his mouth and completely turn away from me if I asked him to do pretty much anything besides “missionary position”) that he literally HATES body fluids and cannot stand to do pretty much anything like that (It’s so depressing, but why did he feel like he had to lie to me to get me to marry him? Did he really think this wouldn’t be a big deal???!)
Well, I will admit, I fell… I committed adultery with my ex when I had gone on a business trip this year. I knew it was wrong, but at that moment I didn’t care. That’s really sad, but I was so sick of the manipulation and lies (more-so CONTROL) my husband was seemingly obsessed with and to caught up with to just enjoy one another?! I seriously don’t get it?!
I also had let myself go and gained weight because he made it a point that “he didn’t care about my appearance, that it was about my “heart!” Previously, I took great pride in my health, weight and appearance… I even tried lingerie and he told me to please take it off as it disgusts him… Now he says he DOES want me to lose weight and dress better because it now seemingly “DOES” matter to him?! The problem now is that I JUST DON’T CARE about him and what “HE” wants with anything!! I feel he has manipulated me through a sexless marriage for almost 7 years and I almost hate him for “tricking” me into marying him KNOWING how he is pretty much asexual!
Nonetheless, I came clean about the cheating, completely broke it off and now he pretty much totally hates me, yet he says he doesn’t want a divorce and wants to try and work it out. We also have kids, so I know it’s important to try and work on the marriage.
However, we haven’t had sex since then, we sleep in separate bedrooms and that’s been over 6 months (I know people need time to heal, I get it), but I figure if I stay we’ll never have sex again at this point. I mean why would he if he’s always hated it? Now he has a real reason and I’m sure he’ll use it against me for as long as he can?!
BTW, to his credit he is a great Dad and he works hard (although he has never been able to really provide financially for us), but I just don’t know what to do? I’m trying to walk by faith, but there are days I am SOOO mad that I almost feel like I was forced into this since if I had a husband who was semi-normal sexually, I would have NEVER looked elsewhere, yet I feel he expected me to just “live with it” and per his words “be happy with what I have!”
Well, I just never was, and I never will be! All I wanted was a passionate marriage full of intimacy and for that I would have done ANYTHING for him, but because he refused to provide that I’m now bitter to some degree and don’t want to do anything for him… Please pray for me! If things change it will be a miracle of God is all I can say! and I have seen God heal some really broken marriages. I know I need to forgive myself and him, but I don’t know how!
Hi Jennifer! Thanks for writing and for sharing. Thanks also for being able to see our post and know that it can apply to you as well, if you simply change the genders. We appreciate that! Your story breaks my heart and I cannot completely imagine how alone and hopeless you feel. I am wondering, since your husband was a virgin when you married, if he was aware that he lacked sexual desire, I am thinking he figured marriage would cure or fix that. Only to find out (as many do with sexual issues) that marriage only magnifies the issues, it does not make them all better. So while I agree he should have been more forthcoming with what he already suspected (especially with not liking body fluids and such) he probably did not know the extent of his issues until you were married. The thing is your hubby knows he has a problem, but what man wants to own up to the fact that he cannot perform and keep his wife happy in the bedroom. That is not an excuse for his behavior at all!
There is great hope in God’s grace and healing. Is there anyone who you know that has a solid marriage that can speak to both you and your husband? Someone who can lead you two on a path of getting help. I know you said he does not want to go to counseling. Many don’t. But if there was someone else who could sit down and encouarge you in your marriage and counseling, that might be beneficial. Have you shared with your husband how you feel hurt and unloved, worthless! Not in anger with simply throwing accusations at him. But sitting down calmly and sharing from your heart, as gut wrenching as it may be. It will be hard to keep the bitterness from creeping in that has taken over your heart, but pray for God’s strength. Sometimes calmly sharing our hearts can touch our spouse in a way that had not in the past.
I will be praying for you and your hubby! I would also encourage you to reach out to your church family. Find a trusted few and ask them for prayer, counsel and help! The church should be our greatest resource and ally in marriage. Give it a try! Please know that I hear your pain and that you are not alone. There are many wives out there that are in a similar situation to yours. They too are the ones who are starved sexually in their marriage. We have had many contact us. The hurt and rejection is so very real and hurtful. As you are walking this out, know that God has never left you and your husband alone on this journey! He is with you both, always! We will be praying for you. In His Grip, Kate
Thanks Kate, I appreciate you prayers and encouragement. We have started to get to the bottom of a few of the issues. He has made it clear that he wants to work it out and that he has “stumblings” of his own as well. I found my husband has an off and on addiction to gay porn and that he was molested by one of his mother’s boyfriend’s when he was in his teens.
I asked him point blank if he felt he was gay or struggled in this area and he said “No!” However, he says he has struggled off and on for over 17 years with viewing this and wasn’t sure why, but has never had any desire to be with a man. He said to him it’s voyeurism and he just doesn’t feel comfortable with “real intimacy” with anyone regardless.
He said it took him a long time to even feel comfortable with me just touching him (even non-sexually) because he has just always been very fickle about touching/intimacy/closeness.
I do believe him as he broke down and cried in front of me. I also am aware that his father abandon them pretty young and he definitely has “daddy issues.” I know in my heart he wants to follow God (he is very involved with the church and is very spiritual) and we did talk to the pastor and he laid it all out on the line that we BOTH had to come to the table and start over.
He said he has seen a ton of marriages end up in affairs or end altogether because of this very issue (sex and intimacy). He showed us where it talks about denying your spouse sex and that it’s wrong.
We have a LOOOOOONG road ahead of us, but I do believe that if we can overcome, we can be a testimony to others.
Last thing I’ll say… and this is SOOO true! I actually heard in on the Dr. Phil Show several years ago when I was flipping channels one day…
He said, “When the sex is good in a marriage it’s only 10% of the marriage, but when the sex is bad (or sexless) in a marriage then it’s 90% of the marriage!”
That statement is SO true in my life and the lives of others I’ve known that struggle in this area.
God Bless! Thanks for this site
Hi Again Jennifer! I so appreciate you coming back and sharing more. I feel so much hurt in you and your husband’s story. Yet at the same time I see great room for God’s grace and healing. Learning more, it is not hard to see why your husband has shyed away (sometimes in a mean way to you) It sex, touching and everything involved. It is also not hard to understand why he has struggled with porn. His story like so many others (ours included), is a testament to the poor, wrong choices others make and how greatly affects future generations. Your husbands molester has hurt not only your husband physically, mentally and spiritually, but he has also hurt you as well. It truly breaks my heart.
Hearing your story brings back many memories about our own story. Having your husband break down and cry in your arms, is a humbling expereince. I too was there and know how you feel. We as the wife have a huge choice and influence in the healing process. Even though we feel as though we are victims as well. Our grace, forgiveness, love, respect and encouragement of our husbands during the healing process (which is only just beginning in many ways) has the power to give our husbands hope or erase the posibility of it all together. Even though it is God who they need to draw their strength, courage and healing from, we are the flesh a blood person God has gifted our husbands with. We are the ones who can be Jesus with skin on for them. After God lead me to serve and love my hubby in this way, Brad shared with me, how much that helped him to heal. They have been unloved and disrespected by others in the past and turned to porn to ease that. Only to find the porn while giving them a high of sorts, left them depressed and stuck in a dark whole. Keep seeking God’s heart for how to love your husband through this. How to show him respect as your hubby and the head of your home. There will be times of great hurt and relearning a great many things, but God wants great things for you, your marriage and your intimacy. Allow God the room he needs to move in your marriage.
The scriptures in Corinthians about denying each other is a great scripture to pray over in your marriage. Read it often and pray it over your marriage. Also I spent much time in Ephesians 5, asking God to reveal to my heart what he wanted from me as a wife. And even though I was not sure I would do a good job, I asked God to work through me. I wanted to be the wife God wanted me to be! Not the one I had selfishly wanted to be.
Know that you are not alone, Jennifer. Our stories are very similar and I grealty feel your pain! And my heart breaks for your hubby too! If you would like to talk to me further, I would love that. Please email me anytime at kate@onefleshmarriage.com. Know that I will be praying for you and your husband! I believe wholeheartedly that your one flesh journey will be a testament of how God can turn ashes into something beautiful and sacred! I would love to talk with you further, anytime! Blessings, Kate
I stumbled upon your blog after making a resolution to not deny my husband sex in 2012. We already have a very healthy sex life but I figure that I probably deny him more often than I should. I hope that by making a choice not to deny him that our marriage will become stronger. I was researching and am sad to see that this is such a large issue for many couples. I am eager to see the changes in our marriage and our lives as I make the choice to give my husband authority over my body. I am blessed in knowing that he loves me and respects me and that I have no fear or misgivings about this resolution.
Hi Trish! That is a great and very challenging new years resolution. I have heard of others making a similar resolution. I would encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 7: 1-7 and prayer it over your marriage as well as spend some time in Ephesians 5, exploring God’s desire for you as a wife. It was my working through these passages and asking God to lead me that led me to a place where sex and intimacy were of great value and importance. I admire your willingness to step out and prioritize your one flesh connection! Know that we will be praying for you and your husband! Blessingd to you in 2012
Kate
I didn’t finish reading this before I had to comment. Maybe it would have gotten better but even if it did this comment pisses me off ” either they truly don’t know what they are missing, or they do and are ok with just lying to themselves, and ignoring the sexual issues in their marriag”
Can those really be the only options? What about the wives that want to and try ti but cant. And tey hate themselves and blame themselves everyday.
I was molested when i was a kid for years by a youth pastor. But that didn’t make me hate the church or turn away from God. It made me cherish my virginity more than most girls. And when I got married I was excited and sexual and happy with my husband. Only to have my past slap me in the face. I have been struggling with this in my marriage since the start. I didn’t know it would be an issue . If I had I wouldn’t have gotten married when i did. When we first got married we couldn’t have sex at all. It hurt too much. At first I thought it was the normal first time hurt but after months of trying and it never getting better it seemed something was wrong with me. I went to the doctor and she said everything looked normal. We tried and tried and I would try to endure it and end up screaming in pain. He hated hurting me and I hated how I felt about myself after. I would end up cruing all night because i felt bad and because i didnt know what was wrong with ne. We would do other things to pleasure each other and sometimes he would be able to penetrate a little more but very rarely. And then eventually we just stopped trying. After 4 years of marriage we have only had sex a handful of excruciating times. I finally saw a good gynecologist this week who diagnosed me with dyspareunia . Which is painful sexual intercourse due to medical or psychological causes. In my case due to my abuse. I didn’t know it could have such a horrible impact on my future. I didn’t even know it still effected me when I was married. but I never wanted this for either of us and it sucks that there are people out there who just want to make it all about the wife just being a jerk.
Hi Someone! Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts and part of your story! I appreciate your willinness to comment and share. You are right, though-not reading then end of anything we post can lead to misunderstandings. I would encourage you to keep reading. Also please keep in mind that we cannot address all issues in every article. We often get comments of “what about me, what about my situation?” Over time we do address most issues, but we cannot for sake of length, do that in every post. This paticulary post was addressing specifically women who struggle with sex and therefore have thrown up their hands and decided that it will just have to be this way and their husbands will just have to survive! We believe, biblically this is wrong and is selling God short of His plan and healing power. That being said, I see where you are coming from and the pain (physical, emotional and spiritual) you did and are going through. I cannot personally relate or imagine what struggles you have had to overcome! What happened to you was wrong in so many ways! I know someone who had a very similar situation as you did. She could not handle the intensive physical training she needed to do with her body and the intesive counseling, so she gave up and the marriage ended. While I can see where she was coming from, I also say that God is the God of healing, he can do ALL things. He never said it would be easy or that we would not have HUGE mountains to overcome. But He did promise that if we follow Him, He would be with us all the way. And I believe there can be healing. God wants to bless sexual intimacy in each marriage.
Back to my quote, I said, “or they do and are ok with just lying to themselves and ignoring the sexual issues in their marriage.” Can those be the only options. Well yes and no. It sounds as if you are working hard to find answers and find healing. So you have defied my statement in many ways. But I challenge all women that I talk to with similar situations, is to not give up. Keep going to doctors, keep getting counseling. Will it be hard? YES!!!! But God has commanded us to make sexual intimacy a priority. If there are roadblocks to that, we need to work hard-everyday-to overcome those roadblocks!
I love what you said about finding other ways to please each other, other then penetration. That is awesome and a great way to keep intimacy a priority while seeking healing and help. It is bold and shows that you are in fact holding intimacy high in your marriage. Sex and intimacy are not just penetration. There is so much more to it!
These wives that I was addressing, I never called “jerks”! My heart truly breaks for both the wives and husbands in these marriages! I know that each of them are hurting. But when we turn away from that hurt and throw up our hands, saying “oh well.” I do believe that God is saddened by this. Some have suggested it is sinful to deny your spouse sex for this long. Definitly thoughts to ponder!
I have made mistakes in our marriage where sex and intimacy are concerned and hurt our marriage greatly! Again this article was directed at the women who have denyed their wives for year(s)! Keep seeking God’s hope and healing in your marriage and intimacy! I think it is so great that you finally found a gynecologist that is helping, that is essential. To be honest, I have been going through something physically that could threaten to keep my hubby and I from sharing sex together. I have been at my doctors alot, because I refuse to let embarassment or anything else keep me from that connection with my hubby! I will do whatever it takes.
Please feel free to dialogue further on my post! I do understand where you are coming from. Know that I am praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate
These people are lucky. My husband and I hadn’t had sex in 45 years. That was our wedding night the first, last and only. I can’t even remember what it was like. My husband told me he hated sex, it was not exciting, disgusting and way to much work for so little. We only slept together once, maybe a couple of hours, he sat out on the patio most of the night.Then I was informed he was going to sleep by himself in the basement. Also he was going to start working midnights till they kicked him out so he could retire. He stayed on nights 40 plus years. I’ve been depressed, upset and angry because of how he treated me. I can’t be depressed about no sex because I’m still almost a virgin.
Amy,
I am sorry to hear such a painful and obviously tear-filled story! I wish I had an answer for you that could turn things around, unfortunately, I can not imagine anything that could change 45 years of entrenched sexual brokenness, and marital pain. I can only say I hope this comment acts as a wake-up call for other readers. This happens in marriages, and when it does the marriage falls apart!
I pray that God can bring you the comfort that you so desperately are seeking!
tough question but celibacy has no place in a marriage.
Hi baptiste! You are right it doesn’t! But usually the hurt and emotions are so raw that it is not that easy! Hoping to bring light and God to these situations! Thanks for commenting! Blessings, Kate
I think what sometimes happens is either some couples are sexually incompatible and don’t realize it until after they are married or have kids. Or, people suffer from various kinds of psychological problems like childhood abuse which makes intimacy in a relationship stressful and sex unpleasant. My wife and I haven’t had sex since our last child was born 16 years ago. Nobody is to blame we just lost sexual desire for each other. We get along fine despite there being no sex and we have two great kids. Maybe if we didn’t have the kids we might have divorced to be able to seek sexual partners better suited to our sexual needs but we stay together so our kids can grow up in a two parent family. We spent years going to therapy but nothing helped. I think now we have both accepted the situation and use masturbation to fill our sexual needs. We are Atheists so a least we don’t have any religious pressure which probably would have caused us to divorce. Being in a marriage where you are still sexually attracted to your partner after being together for years, or decades is, I think, simply a matter of luck.
JamesC,
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate you chiming in. It sounds as if it has been a challenging 16 years. We are approaching the problem for a bit of a different perspective, since we acknowledge God’s design in men, women and sex. Even so, I would encourage you to at minimum understand the reasons for the change in sexual desire. You indicated past childhood abuse might be at the root. If this is the case, the trauma is very likely being triggered when you were attempting to find sexual intimacy together. Unfortunately, the problems don’t just stop in the bedroom. When couples have unresolved sexual issues it easily creates barriers between you. These walls grow and invade your marriage. Keeping conversations off limits, heaping resentment of unmet needs on each other, and driving each of you to look outside the marriage to meet needs. I’m not saying the resolution is easy! It is not!
I do challenge that I disagree that “compatibility” is a matter of luck! I think it is Much Much harder then that. I believe that no couple is going to be completely compatible. Sex is pleasurable. Sex feels good. It is very easy to fall into sexual self focus, “this is what I want”. However, sex is also in relationship. It is the working out of differences to make it work for mutual pleasure, mutual satisfaction. This is something that we humans are not very good at. Simply figuring out how can I make it the best for me, while working out how to make it the best for another is a completely different mindset for us. I would challenge that this dichotomy is one of the things that makes us human.
In my view this dichotomy also points to a creator who desires us to learn something about a unique relationship in the midst of this awesome creation. But that is for another conversation.
I appreciate your comment and welcome you joining the discussion any time!
Blessings,
Brad
Oh yes you are right about the childhood abuse. As a matter of fact I was unable to function sexually in any close relationship since I started dating in my teens. A couple of sexual encounters at the beginning of a relationship and I’d be fine. But anytime a relationship began to get serious I would start to suffer from a lack of desire which in turn would cause me to suffer from serious sexual dysfunctions. I promised my wife to be I would seek help for these problems when we got engaged and indeed, I did after the wedding. But years of therapy with various kinds of therapists could not help. The problem became very serious when we decided we wanted children but we sought help from a fertility clinic and as I mentioned in my other email we had two great kids. But it wasn’t easy and sex with my wife was always unpleasant and stressful for me. One therapist called it ” Severe Intimacy Anxiety due to childhood trauma and a resulting Adult Attachment Disorder” A big mouthful which, as I said, proved to be impossible to fix and which has caused my marriage to be sexless for many years.
James,
talks alot about walking in the pain, and hopefully discovering glimmers of hope along the way. She also recommended a book (I have not read yet) for the spouses of abuse survivors, to help them better understand the journey. Haunted Marriage: Overcoming the Ghosts of Your Spouse’s Childhood Abuse
Thank you for your comment! I can’t even imagine the devastation the things you experienced in your past has caused your marriage and your life today. Childhood sexual abuse creates wounds that even in healing can leave significant scars. I recently attended a conference by Diane Langberg, a leading sexual abuse therapist. She talked about the enormity of the wounds that are left in the wake of abuse. Her book On the Threshold of Hope – Diane Langberg
I’m one who doesn’t like to toss in the towel easily. I hope that you continue your journey toward recovery. You may have been given a mouthful of a diagnosis, but there is always hope of restoration!
Blessings James!
-Brad
I am not married myself YET, and seing all this knowing how I feel about sex, makes me NOT want to get married. Because for some woman, and I know a lot of these guys wife’s probably feel the same way, but sex is absolutely painful to me, im discusted by it, I feel like something was taken from me, and I just hate it!!!! I have never enjoyed sex and that might be the the case for a lot of these woman especially of their husbands are not making enough effort out of the bedroom, they want sex but what about what she wants? It’s a two way street, I’m almost willing to bet money on it half of these men’s wives have just gave in and said “ok, fine whatever I’ll do it to make you happy” and then lay on their back (NOT ENJOYING ONES SECOND OF IT) and just letting their husband go at it while they lay there wanting to cry, hurt and upset!!!!!!!! Have you ever thought about that? That’s not right either! This is the soul purpose I never want to get married!
Hi Stephanie! Thank you for writing and sharing! I hear a great deal of pain in what you are saying, and not just physically. You are not alone in your thoughts I am sure. THere are many wives out there who struggle with desire for sex. There are also wives who struggle with sex hurting physically. We have chatted with many wives out there who struggle one way or another. I think for me the difference is in understanding the struggles, acknowledging them, and then talking about them open and honestly. You are absolutely right that it is a two way street! You will never hear us saying otherwise, yet we challenge both sides (husband and wife) to not only show up physically, but emotionally as well. God plan for sex is a good one, one that is to not only bring about children, but also to bring mutual joy and bonding to the husband and wife. I would encourage you to talk with someone about why sex hurts for you! You need to get to the bottom of the issues you may have physically. Also I would say that GOd can bring an amazing man into your life who will cherish you and love you sweetly! It is not too much for you to want a husband who meets and is sensative to your sexual likes and dislikes. Yet it takes great communication and both sides showing up physically and emotionally! Not all men use their wives as you have described. I pray that you will seek out healing and search God’s heart for you in marriage! We are always here if you want to talk further, you can email me at kate@onefleshmarriage.com Blessings to you, Kate
Where to even begin with my reply? Well I guess I will just tell you my story. My husband and I got married young, we were virgins, but had made some…what we would call…sexual mistakes prior to marriage. We both went farther sexually with each other than we wanted.(well clearly we wanted it, but at the same time did not). Both of us were also addicted to pornography and masturbation for many years. (I’d say about 8 years for each of us). Prior to marriage, I felt emotionally distant from my husband (then boyfriend or fiance). I didn’t think we talked enough and so I would always resort to being physical with him to make up for it. I could easily get turned on and I desired sex so much. When we finally got married, I was excited that I could finally be with him fully. Well I did not enjoy sex and in fact have rarely enjoyed it the past 5 years. I stopped looking at pornography and stopped masturbating when I got married. I think I masturbated once since being married and regretted it and told my husband immediately. He told me he stopped looking at pornography and then 6 months into our marriage admitted he looked at it a few times while married. I was very hurt. After that I was naive to think he was over it. Whenever we talked about it, he told me he stopped looking. I believed him. Three years later, God worked a miracle in his life and ripped away the desire to look. He now has no desire to look and has been very faithful to me. My husband ended up telling me he had been looking for the past 3 years and didn’t tell me out of fear of hurting me. I am not sure what hurt worse…that he looked or that he lied all those years. It is much different now. I can tell he is different. God is amazing in that way. Now that being said, my sex drive is low low low. There are so many problems that I don’t even know where to begin. I do withhold from my husband, not to be mean and not because I don’t want to please him but because I fear I will hate it. Often I don’t enjoy sex and it just leaves me feeling worse and my husband not feeling satisfied. Here are some of the problems:
1) I fear it will hurt physically (and often it does)
2) I don’t understand how sex is lovely and beautiful
3) I don’t see how sex is pure and spiritual — it just seems physical to me
4) I don’t see how sex brings two people closer together
5) I don’t see how sex is not self-serving
6) I fear true intimacy with my husband and therefore push him away…I don’t want to get hurt emotionally
7) We’ve been to counselling before (2 or 3 years ago) and it helped a bit but not a whole lot – I fear going again and it not helping
8) I know God is in control but it feels like He is so distant on this topic –where is He??
9) I feel so guilty for not engaging in sex with my husband often, but don’t want to engage in it for the sake of “just doing it” and feeling worse.
10)What happened to my sex drive? Was it purely lust prior to marriage?
Well anyway, I don’t have a history of abuse…I think my problem is that sex seems so worldly to me. Since I basically learned about sex through porn, with the occasional Christian telling me that sex is a wonderful gift from God in marriage…it basically just seems worldly to me. I am okay with my husband going down on me…but the thought of going down on him seems too much like pornography to me. (I realize how selfish this seems on my end). My poor husband can barely even last past a minute of sex because we rarely engage in it and he does not get release often. I know this is frustrating for him because he’d like to last longer. We have a whole slew of problems and not many solutions. I DO desire to please my husband and I want to want sex…but I just don’t. I contacted a counsellor and am willing to go see one again…here’s to hoping we have the money!
Sorry this is so long…any thoughts? I’m desperate.
Hi Julie! Thanks so much for writing and sharing part of your story. I am sure it was hard for you to share as I hear great pain in what you have shared. Please know that you are not alone. There was a time when all I wanted to do was cry because I loved my hubby so much but did not desire sex and could not understand what was wrong with me. It was very sad and frustrating. In this post, I was trying to share from my own mistakes. I had no idea that I was hurting Brad so very much with not making sex a priority. I understood that I was making things hard for him physically, and yet I never completely contemplated how I was hurting him emotinally. Sex is a mans way to feel emotionally connected to their wife. Why, you may ask? God deisgned us with different needs so we would compromise and work together to fulfill each others needs. It is not easy, but it is beautiful when you are able to do it.
I will just go through some of your list here and share my thoughts. What God is placing on my heart as I read your comment!
1. Why do you fear it will hurt. You have said that it does. Has it always? Do you use lubricants? I appologize for being blunt, but many women struggle with having enough lubrication during sex. That can be very painful. My hubby and I love coconut oil! It is all natural and you can use it without all the sticky residue afterwards. I would encourage you to make sure you keep some sort of lubricant handy. If that is not the issue, I would seek medical advice on why sex is hurting. Talk to your doctor. I realize that is not everyones favorite thing, but you need answers.
2. and 3. Sex is pure and spiritual because it is bonding two people together. Sex is the one thing that husbands and wives get to do together that they can do with no one else. It is the VIP pass, something God designed for just them. It is spiritual because God planned it out physically and emotionally for his people. We are not just animals that mate for the sole purpose of recreating. If that were so, we would only be able to have sex, when we are furtile. God desired for us to have a special bond, joining both physically and emotionally. It is a physical connection, but it bonds so much more. Studies on the brain have shown this very fact. It is not simply sex, even if we tell ourselves it is. I do think that what you have seen and expereinced while watching porn has affected how you view sex. Porn is selling a lie. All of it is fake and not how people truly share sex together. Porn focuses on erotic and not on the true life long connection that we have with our spouse. You are not alone in this, many people struggle with the lies that porn is selling them and how that affects their marriage. If God desired for sex to be only physical, we would be able to get pregnant all the time or we would not desire sex except when we are fertile. There would be no need for us to have sex other times. Yet we are created to desire it other times as well.
4. and 5. Sex has the great potential to bring a husband and a wife closer together, as God designed it. However, because sexual intimacy is so special and a couple has to work at it-it has the great potential to rip apart marriages as well. That doesn’t mean that God’s design for it has changed in any way, it simply means we get confused and because men and women are different-we are misunderstood and miscommunicate. Again, sexual intimacy is the one thing you can do with your husband that you cannot do with anyone else. That in and of itself, shows me that it is designed to bring a marriage closer together. You have to be open, vulnerable and giving.
Sex can be very self serving, but that is not how God wants us to share sex. He wants us to put the others needs and desires above our own. If we are BOTH doing this then sex does not become self serving. I have learned alot and grown so much in our sexual intimacy through focusing on what pleases my hubby and what he likes. He in return does the same and it is a beautiful give and take. It is only self serving if we are stuck in selfishness-and there was a time we were both very much stuck there!
6. I believe you have hit on something very important here . . . you fear true intimacy. You need to unpack that suitcase and see why you fear it. You don’t have to have been abused to fear true intimacy. It is not easy to put yourself out there and be completely vulnerable! Hence why sex is a stumbling block for many couples. I would encourage you to seek counseling on why you feel this way. Knowing you feel this way is good, but you need to move past it!
7. Counseling is usually a bit scary. Yet we are usually scared because we fear that we will truly have to look at ourselves and deal with what we see! It is much easier to avoid all of that. I hear you and I don’t think there is a person alive who has not felt that same way at some point in their life. I also know that you will never move forward on your one flesh journey if you do not face these things. Make sure you find a good Christian counselor who is pro marriage, pro sex and will help you through this! I know you are scared, but your marriage is at stake!
8. God being distant-I feel this is another huge key! We have all felt God is distant at times in our lives, but if you feel this is a theme, you need to again unpack that. Is there something in the past that makes you feel that way. Was your earthly father distant? There can be many reasons, but you need to understand them to move on!
9. You are right that simply engaging on sex physically is sometimes just as bad as not at all. You will give him the physical release, but he will be missing the emotional connection that he so desires. Doesn’t this prove to you, that it is not purely physical for either of you. There are emotions involved all around! I would challenge you to make sexual intimacy a priority several times a week. Make it a priority to not just show up, to take pleasure in giving him pleasure. Focus on relaxing and enjoying what God has given to you. It truly is an act of worship when we enjoy sexual intimacy with our hubby! Pray that God will help you! He will if you ask and are willing to do as he guides!
10. Ahh what happened to your sex drive? There are so many possible answers to this, it is hard to give you the answer you desire. I would say that it was not lust to desire your hubby before you were married. Yet you were both in a world of porn, that does focus on lust and is nothing but lust. Marriage and intimacy is nothing like porn. Trying to figure sex after porn and masturbation is a challenge, but it can be done. Many couples have to navigate through those waters. YOu are not alone. There could also be hormonal reasons. Have you had children? Those wonderful kiddos can really change things for us sexually, which is normal, yet if we let things stay there, we are losing out! Seek a doctors medical advice first, if that does not answer anything, then seek a counselor! I had issues as I have shared and still struggle at times, but life with my hubby and sexual intimacy is something I now greatly desire, even if I am not aroused. That is because I know the closeness it brings, it is truly a blessing and a form of glue in our marriage!
Please know that you are not alone and that we are lifting you up! There is great hope and healing in God’s design for marriage and intimacy! Don’t give up and don’t lose hope! Blessings, Kate
I have been married for 1 year & 4 months we had sex only twice.. No sex in our wedding,honeymoon & anniversary..
Hi Jen, thanks for writing and sharing. I don’t know much about your story from you comment, but I can imagine that there is much pain! A few thoughts . . .
My heart breaks for you and your husband. Remember, YOU can be the change you want to see in your marriage. It might not be easy, it might not be the things you want to do, but you can do it and impact your marriage for the good. It will take alot of humility, grace and serving. Yet it will be more rewarding then walking away and experiencing the “greener grass” on the other side. Step up and be the wife God is asking you to be regardless of where your husband is at. God wants your obedience! Your obedience is not and should not be dependant upon your husbands being the husband God wants! Please know that we are praying for you! You can do it! Don’t give up and hold tight to the hope of God’s plan in marriage! Blessings, Kate
Here’s my situation:
I’ve been married for 13 1/2 years which 7 has been sexless. My wife and I got married at 18, 4 months later got pregnant and I was an idiot! I didn’t understand not having sex for 18 years then an awesome 4 months of sex every 3-5 days then the spicket was shut off. I admit I was a horrible partner and fights were very prevalent, almost daily I believe. Then after almost 3 yrs without sex and 7 or 8 months of throwing around the “D” word, I had a 1 night stand. I’m not proud of it but I’ve always felt that it got our attention and jolted us back together. She has thrown it up in my face many many times over the years but now just mentions that I’ve never had to worry about trust with her. She has caught me….flying solo (trying to be as modest at possible) a few times and recently found pics I downloaded on my phone. She says that really hurt her, which I believe that to be true but I’m only human. After the 3 yrs without it happened once a month or 2( hey I was happy with that) until she got pregnant with our 2nd child. Once a gain almost 2 yrs without sex. Then 3rd child. Once again 22 months. In the last 5 years we’ve had sex 4 times and we’re knocking on another 2 yr anniversary without it. I’ve tried counseling after the affair, solo and a few months ago tried to go see a marriage counselor and she won’t go. I’m at my wits end and not only is my family suffering, my business is too. I told her if we fixed that part of our relationship I would make sales and she said that makes her feel like a prostitute. I love my kids more than life it self and it pains me to even think about not living under the same roof as them and not to see my babies when they first wake up. And God has placed a special love for my wife in me to where all she has to do is bat her eyes at me and I’m a kid in love again. I’m dying inside and I can’t catch my breath. I have learned to cope as if I was in an accident and a part of me is paralyzed but the bitterness and resentment is starting to build beyond my control at times. Let me end by saying I’ve never said it has all been her. I was a childish immature brat before and the first few years but now I just miss being happy.
Thanks for reading my 2 cents
Josh,
thanks for writing and sharing your story. Unfortunately I’m guessing that many people can relate. The strain of going outside your marriage, both with an affair and pornography has only amplified what was a big problem into a huge issue. No longer is this only about a lack of sexual intimacy. It is now complicated with breach of trust and the pain all of that caused. This now must be a major component of any healing that must occur. You can not say that the lack of sex caused the affair. You can’t say a lack of sex forced you to pornography. These things are your decisions.
I know that isn’t what you want to hear. I’m sure it would be easier for you to read my quoting about how a wife’s body is not her own but her husbands as well. And telling all wives how important sex is in marriage. These things are all true, but they will not heal this issue. All those words will do is dig your hole deeper.
If you truly desire change you need to change. You need to look at what is missing in her life? How is marriage not meeting her expectations? Don’t take those questions to lightly. If you can figure out how to even begin to change in these directions it will at least inspire her to think about the possibility of going to talk to someone about more changes in the future. Yes I did mean all of those qualifiers. This is going to be a long road! There is NO quick fix! Keep praying, keep looking at what you can change, and be patient!
Thanks for your comment Josh!
Brad, thanks for your response. when I read it i had that “LightBulb” moment. When you said
“You need to look at what is missing in her life? How is marriage not meeting her expectations?” I remember a person saying “give what you want from the other person”. I realize that doesn’t mean I’ll give her sex, because thats on my short list of wants, it means find whats missing in her life and find out what expectations are not being fulfilled and work towards them. We both have said if it wasn’t for our 3 beautiful kids we’d left years ago but I no see that not only are they a blessing they also were the glue that held us together long enough to find the problem and start the road to recovery.
Once again I thank God for you all and look forward to writing about how through the revelation that I’m not the only one out here struggling and there are people who have went through this and have gotten there relationship off of life support I can do the same….no I will do the same
Josh–you’re not alone–this seems to be a very common problem. My post, Masturbation in a sexless Marriage,, is one of my most popular.
I agree with Brad that there is no quick fix, but after you’ve eliminated possible medical issues, then it seems for some reason she’s not attracted to you.
I recommend you first make sure you’re relatively attractive as a man–be physically fit, make good money, and demonstrate self-control and real progress toward your personal goals at home. If she’s a highly attractive woman, and you’re not as a man, you may have some serious work to do that might take a year or two.
At some point (but definitely not when she’s hot and you’re fat and lazy), you have to stand up for yourself as a person and a man and be clear at your expectations for the relationship.
I agree with Brad that your behavior is your decision and your responsibility, related to porn and an affair. The affair was especially a bad idea with real consequences.
At some point, you both also have to realize you make a daily decision to stay in the relationship or not, and that decision and its’ consequences are also yours.
Thank you for your response. She has said may times that with her heart and her emotions she doesn’t trust me. I believe in my heart of hearts that she does love me and is attracted when I shave and look nice but there has been years of resentment, distrust and bitterness that has been packed away and not delt with that is causing this ever winding roller coaster ride to continue. I really think that me reaching out last with in the past couple of weeks has opened my eyes to where I have made a conscious effort to help more around the house, and change my relationship with my kids and how i deal with things with them and also I have tried to create a possitive enviroment where she can see im trying to change. Just within the last few days she made a comment to my 12 yr old when she said (my kid)” Dad you always did that” my wife said “Isnt it good that he”s trying to change” so she sees it. I’m just thankful to God that I found this site and believe this has helped set things in motion for restoration and healing in both of us
Hi its great to have a forum to discuss. Thank you lord for this and thank you Kate and brad. I guess as I write this that I feel exhausted with the situation. My wife and I have not had sex for about 4 years ( before that it was about 4 times a year and this situation has been going on for some 20 years) and she has been to years of therapy and we had about 16 sessions together before she found it too painful to continue. I have continued with the theapist on my own which is really helpful as she has seen both of us first. My counsellors view is that the situation won’t change as my wife won’t truely engage. Background? She was raped as a child by father and brother then suffered later post traumatic sex from another, non sexual, incident which seemed to trigger the first rape related problems. I have 2 great children ,11 and 9, and will not desert my family. I guess my question is, given that I truely believe a miracle is needed now (my wife is not a christian by the way) and that years of praying have not helped how can I live in the situation. My counsellor is encouraging me to get an outside life however I am frightened about meeting someone, my counsellor says am very vulnerable and a woman would easily trick me. I do have a female friend on second life a computer simualation and we have virtual sex which helps however I feel guilty about it and it is the intimacy I really miss not the sex. Any thoughts would help. Dave