Men who wrestle with low sexual desire and sexual activity with their wives usually fall into two distinct categories. There are some men who don’t want sex at all. They have low desire across the board, yes maybe they are still having sex with their wives sometimes but it isn’t as frequent as it should be. The other group are men who are not having sex with their wives but would still like to. There problem isn’t one of desire per-say since they still have sexual desire, this is more a problem of direction for the desire. In this first post I will address the issues of the “don’t want it at all” group. In my Part 2 post I’ll look at the issues related to the “would like it, but we’re not having it” group.
Men who are not having sex, and don’t find themselves interested in sex are in a very difficult position. Our culture often attributes our manhood to our sexual desire. I’m sure there are some of you reading this who are thinking that a man who doesn’t want sex with a woman must be struggling with his sexual identity. 99.99% of the time that is the farthest thing from the truth. Unfortunately, it is this unhealthy connection that keeps many men from discussing these important issues with their wives, doctors and trusted friends. Issues with low male sexual desire can be traced back to three main culprits: Medical issues, Chemical issues, and/or Thinking Issues.
If you are reading this with even a slight thought of, “he’s talking about me” you must schedule an appointment with your doctor! Many problems with sexual functioning are simply an early warning signs to other more important medical issues. Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid disease, lupus, pituitary disease, and more are all medical conditions that may interfere with your sexual desire or functioning! If you do nothing else please at least get a complete physical, rule out any underlying causes then start to tackle the other areas. If you have any of these conditions and you think it is causing you to have low sexual desire or poor sexual functioning then please talk to your doctor about your options!
Medications: Many common medications can also interfere with sexual desire. One common offender is the category of drugs called SSRI’s which are prescribed for depression, anxiety, and sometimes ADHD. Other medications can also have these effects.
Low Testosterone: All men have fluctuations in our testosterone levels depending on the time, day and other variables. Some men experience a dramatic drop in their levels wreaking havoc on many functions of their life. I wrote more about this in my post, “Sex: 7 Things That Could Hinder your Sex Life”
If you think you have chemical issues what do you do? Research your medications, ask your doctor or pharmacist for a detailed list of side effects for any prescription or over the counter drugs you take regularly. Get tested for low testosterone, it is usually a simple test. And finally cut out the alcohol and see if that helps.
If you think you have thinking issues what do you do? Communicate! Your wife needs to know this is a contributing factor. Their might be some simple things she can do to distract your thoughts when these worries enter your brain, if she knows about them. More advanced cases of this issue will need some professional help to unlearn the thoughts and patterns that are causing the harm. Seek out a Christian counselor who specializes in sex therapy, or at least in cognitive behavioral therapy.
Husband’s if any of this sounds like it might be contributing to your lowered, or lack of sexual desire then it is your responsibility to work on it! Sex is intended to be a part of every marriage relationship. Don’t get complacent just because you think if you don’t want it sex isn’t a big deal! That isn’t true! God designed sex to add intimacy and passion in marriage. If you take sex out of marriage there will be consequences no matter who does the taking!
How have you accomplished changes?
Let us know what’s worked or hasn’t worked in the comments.