He’s Lost That Loving Feeling

Brad says…

Most of us are raised to believe that all men want sex all the time! It’s the red-blooded American way right? Well, as it turns out there are quite a few guys who don’t fit this mold. Guys can wrestle with low sex drive. Men can struggle with low sexual desire. Why? What can be done to turn things around? Kate’s been coaching the sex starved wives in her posts, “I Can’t Remember the Last Time My Husband Touched Me” Part 1 and Part 2. Now I’m going to answer some of the questions why, and give you some ideas on how to turn things around.

Men who wrestle with low sexual desire and sexual activity with their wives usually fall into two distinct categories. There are some men who don’t want sex at all.  They have low desire across the board, yes maybe they are still having sex with their wives sometimes but it isn’t as frequent as it should be.  The other group are men who are not having sex with their wives but would still like to. There problem isn’t one of desire per-say since they still have sexual desire, this is more a problem of direction for the desire. In this first post I will address the issues of the “don’t want it at all” group. In my Part 2 post I’ll look at the issues related to the “would like it, but we’re not having it” group.

Men who are not having sex, and don’t find themselves interested in sex are in a very difficult position. Our culture often attributes our manhood to our sexual desire. I’m sure there are some of you reading this who are thinking that a man who doesn’t want sex with a woman must be struggling with his sexual identity. 99.99% of the time that is the farthest thing from the truth.  Unfortunately, it is this unhealthy connection that keeps many men from discussing these important issues with their wives, doctors and trusted friends.  Issues with low male sexual desire can be traced back to three main culprits:  Medical issues, Chemical issues, and/or Thinking Issues.

Medical Issues:

If you are reading this with even a slight thought of, “he’s talking about me” you must schedule an appointment with your doctor! Many problems with sexual functioning are simply an early warning signs to other more important medical issues. Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid disease, lupus, pituitary disease, and more are all medical conditions that may interfere with your sexual desire or functioning! If you do nothing else please at least get a complete physical, rule out any underlying causes then start to tackle the other areas.  If you have any of these conditions and you think it is causing you to have low sexual desire or poor sexual functioning then please talk to your doctor about your options!

Chemical Issues:

Medications:  Many common medications can also interfere with sexual desire. One common offender is the category of drugs called SSRI’s which are prescribed for depression, anxiety, and sometimes ADHD. Other medications can also have these effects.

Low Testosterone:  All men have fluctuations in our testosterone levels depending on the time, day and other variables. Some men experience a dramatic drop in their levels wreaking havoc on many functions of their life. I wrote more about this in my post, “Sex: 7 Things That Could Hinder your Sex Life

Alcohol:  In your twenties alcohol many have been linked in an unhealthy way to sex, now in your later years it may be unhealthy again for the opposite reasons. Alcohol is a depressant. It slows things down. That is not the message you want to send your body when you need to speed things up! Alcohol can dampen your desire, alcohol can impair your sexual functioning, and alcohol abuse can wreak havoc on your relationships.

If you think you have chemical issues what do you do? Research your medications, ask your doctor or pharmacist for a detailed list of side effects for any prescription or over the counter drugs you take regularly. Get tested for low testosterone, it is usually a simple test. And finally cut out the alcohol and see if that helps.

Thinking Issues:

The most powerful sexual organ you have is not your penis, it is your brain. Often when things are going wrong, or they have gone wrong in the past it is impossible to put it out of your mind. Unfortunately, dwelling on it, running the issue over and over in your mind will only add to the problem. To put it directly, if your erection is hard to maintain, or ejaculation is hard to come by it is easy to start worrying about it happening.  This worry then causes it the problem to happen. Men often have this performance based thinking issue and it can destroy your intercourse, and eventually rob you of sexual pleasure at all.

If you think you have thinking issues what do you do? Communicate! Your wife needs to know this is a contributing factor. Their might be some simple things she can do to distract your thoughts when these worries enter your brain, if she knows about them. More advanced cases of this issue will need some professional help to unlearn the thoughts and patterns that are causing the harm. Seek out a Christian counselor who specializes in sex therapy, or at least in cognitive behavioral therapy.

Husband’s if any of this sounds like it might be contributing to your lowered, or lack of sexual desire then it is your responsibility to work on it!  Sex is intended to be a part of every marriage relationship.  Don’t get complacent just because you think if you don’t want it sex isn’t a big deal!  That isn’t true!  God designed sex to add intimacy and passion in marriage.  If you take sex out of marriage there will be consequences no matter who does the taking!

Have you wrestled with any of these challenges?

How have you accomplished changes?
Let us know what’s worked or hasn’t worked in the comments.

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7 Responses to He’s Lost That Loving Feeling

  1. Or maybe there are things your wive does that ruins any possible sex drive you might have.  Both my wife and I are self confessed control freaks.  If I’ve been through a day where she’s not kept this in check, I can tell you the last thing I’m wanting is sex. 

    So if I’ve heard how I don’t fold the laundry right, or that I picked the wrong parking spot, or a myriad of other things, don’t expect me to be receptive to some action.

    I suspect my wife would say the same.  If I don’t keep my control freak nature in check, I probably shouldn’t expect anything later in bed.

    On the physical front, getting in shape really helps.  I’m in my mid to late 40’s and have it as my goal to get back down to my weight when I was 21.  In the past 70 days, I’ve lost 31 of the 68 pounds I need to lose to achieve that goal.  I have more stamina and I think my erections are better as well.  So one way to improve your sex life is to watch what you eat, and get a bit more exercise.

    I’ve lost my weight so far by simply tracking what I eat and limiting it to a set amount each day.  I’m losing on average about 2-3 pounds each week, a sustainable means of losing.  I’m sure as I get closer to my goal, I’ll need to exercise more.   But right now, moderate amounts of additional activity followed with a balanced diet and smart eating choices has netted progress of almost half way to my goal.

    My wife and I took a trip to celebrate our anniversary, and we had some of the best sex since we married on that weekend.  I credit that to both being in better shape, and not engaging in behaviors that we both know will spoil the romance for one another.

    • Tony, 
      Thanks for your comment.  You are absolutely correct that loosing weight can dramatically help increase both your sexual desire and your sexual performance.  This is another important thing to look at in the “medical” area!  

      Your first comments fits exactly in with part 2 of this post as well! 

  2. On the low T levels, obesity may be a major cause. A
    recent small but well done study of obese diabetic men found that
    weight loss of 5%-10% of total body weight resulted in better
    erections and higher sex drive. Some improved so much they no longer
    needed medication to get an erection.

    No one has done similar
    studies on non-diabetic obese men, but given that fat
    metabolises testosterone into estrogen I would expect to see a
    similar affect in at least some men.

  3. I want to just give everyone a heads up that Low testosterone can affect even young, healthy, non-diabetic, non-overweight regular joes too. And the sexual effects may be the last symptom to throw up the red flag – , forgetfulness, depression, and just being tired all the time set in first and lasted for years before we finally figured out they had a cause other than having kids!  The other difficulty is that doctors will often resist attributing anything to low testosterone…they would much rather prescribe anti-depressants than do a simple blood test (or they don’t think to do the blood test because they brush most patients concern off to unrealistic expectations or just plain stress, but they still don’t do anything to help other than offer cheap advice like ‘just give it time, just try to relax).
    Anwya, my point is to be especially aware of the other Low testosterone symptoms and to assert yourself with your doc that you’d like to rule it out before seeking other measures such as counseling or anxiety/depression meds. Which to me would be the logical process as opposed to trying meds first!

    • Yes, Yes, Yes! Thank you for adding this! Low testosterone can and does effect people of all age groups and weights! You are correct that traditional family doctors do not often think about this as an issue! It is important that you raise it as a possibility if you think this could be an issue. In doctors defense, they don’t think about it because many times guys don’t tell them all the symptoms they are having. They talk about tired and depressed, and leave out sexual issues and other possible issues. Talk about it guys! Help is out there!
      Thank you Anonymous Low T! I would love to hear how treatment has helped you with the issues you were having!

      • I would love to tell you how treatment helps as soon as we get it! We are still waiting for appointments and trying to map out what kind of doctor to see and what kind of treatment to pursue. I will say it is on par any experience I’ve had so far in our medical world…frustrating and certainly unclear. And so hard because there is no one I can really talk to personally about this – so I’m with Brad and Kate in that I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear any success stories as to how low T treatment worked out for anyone out there who has been through this. We really need that hope and encouragement right now!

  4. I was wondering when someone was going to drop the “weight” card. I would rather my wife be peasingly plump over being grossly thin. When she is on one of her diet kicks, I am in no mood for sex at all. She is unhappy as she begins to look sickly, where as I prefer the happy, bubbly, round womanly figure I married. She is miserable when she is dieting. She is happy when she is not. Perhaps it is a mood issue. I prefer her fat and happy over thin and miserable. She looks better with plump, juicy meat on her bones anyway.