“I Can’t Remember the Last Time My Husband Touched Me!” Part 2

Kate says . . . 

This is part 2 of the post for wives living with a low sexual desire husband.  You can see part one here: “I Can’t Remember the Last Time My Husband Touched Me”  then come hurry back here for part 2!

3. Guard your heart!  Proverbs 4:23

Wives who are in a sexless marriage are faced with sexual temptation. Women are no different then men in this regard. If your sexual needs are not being met in your marriage it is tempting to want to have them met elsewhere. Many women, who have contacted us express that they want other men to notice them.  When they do, it makes them feel good. Some have shared of emotional affairs, online relationships, porn use and infidelity. They also share that they know these things are wrong, but are in need of what their hubby should be providing. As a wife who is sexually and emotionally thirsty you will need to guard your heart and your life, very carefully! Satan loves discord in marriage, especially where intimacy is concerned. He will use every avenue he can to bring more space between you and your hubby. Guarding your heart will be a battle, but with Jesus on your side it can be won.

4. Pray!

As hard as it may be to keep praying and pouring our your heart to God, Keep doing so! The amount of loneliness, tears and spiritual dryness due to lack of a husband wanting sex is very real. Praying when you are dry and don’t want to, is hard yet one of the most essential times to keep praying. God has not left your side, He knows every ounce of pain you have gone through, He has felt every tear you have cried. He truly knows what it is like to feel alone and abandoned. Keep talking to him, no matter what. I have seen over and over that God blesses our obedience to Him and His word.

Is That All?

Frustrated voices have expressed: “There must be something more then, treat your hubby (or wife) as God requires, go to counseling and pray!” To those who feel this way, I wish there was a magic word that wives (and husbands) could use to make sex as wonderful as God intended. But every marriage is unique and there is no magic, quick fix. If there was, there would be no need for Jesus. These things listed in these last 2 posts may seem futile, just plain hopeless.  I believe they are stepping-stones to healing. There is no magical word or pill that will fix the sexual intimacy problems in your marriage. It is going to take time, effort, heartache, tears, communication, prayer and guarding yourself against sexual temptation. These “tools” God has provided for us and we have them to use. Avoiding them because they are hard or underestimating these tools will only lead you to look for quick fix-answer. Focus on the things God has provided instead of the “quick fix” he has not.
If you are unsure of the next step to take, please contact us, we would love to talk to you one on one. Wife or husband! Brad and I have a desire in our hearts to see all marriages restored to God’s plan for them. We all have sinned and fall short and that includes in our marriages. But it is whether or not we choose to stay stuck in disobedience, that will determine where your marriage heads.

Resources for wives:

An amazing resource to learning more about men’s sexual issues and low desire is our friends Pauland Lori at The Marriage Bed.  There are lots of very positive information and it is always the first place we send people.  Go and spend some time on their site, you won’t be sorry you did.  Here are a few articles that deal specifically with low desire husbands:
Another resource for wives is a book: The Sex-Starved Wife (affiliate links).  I will warn it is not written from a Christian perspective, but is very thorough and well thought out.  The author, Michelle Weiner Davis also wrote Divorce Busting  and The Sex Starved Marriage . Davis goes through all of the possible reasons for your hubby’s low sex drive. She did her own study through woman who read Redbook, and her statistics, though not “hard scientific research” shout out, that you wives, are not alone!  That is something you just need to hear sometimes!  Check it out!
(Visited 62 times, 1 visits today)
  1. Pingback: “I Can’t Remember the Last Time my Husband Touched Me!” | One Flesh Marriage

  2. It’s 2 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Tonight is another sexless night in our “marriage bed”. I can’t sleep because I can’t breathe. The pain of rejection and loneliness is suffocating me. I lay here and weep softly into my pillow. He doesn’t even notice my tears. Obviously he doesn’t even notice me here next to him. I could walk out right now, run a million miles away, and he’d only notice that his breakfast wasn’t cooked and his lunch wasn’t packed.

    So I fill up these lonely hours first by looking up a few Christian blogs to see what sexual responsibility in marriage really is. Then I search Google for info on “sexless” marriages. OH GOD! is that what we have? I wanted to believe that it was the habitual viewing of pornography and masturbation that was the cause of our sexual separation and the resulting neglect I endure.

    But since our daughter “caught” my husband viewing a porn video on the internet almost two years ago, he has gone cold turkey. Of course he looked right into my face while I had the computer “history” evidence in my hands and denied everything, lying that he didn’t do it, it wasn’t him. After several heated, screaming minutes he admitted it to me. But the next several weeks and months were like living in a bad dream from which I was unable to wake.

    I choose believe that he has quit. I must, or I will go insane. I have contemplated suicide, but how could I face Jesus? I am a coward. I could not take away the life my creator gave me, look into his face and try to explain how I know better than he does. So I am doomed to stay here, one of the casualties of selfish gratification, a walking dead woman. But that was nearly two years ago. So why am I still neglected? Why must I quite literally beg him to make love to me? He denies that of course, but it is true. He punishes me I think by withholding the very thing I ask for-that we both need.

    I have bought and read dozens of “save your marriage” self-help books, many of which are recommended by those faithful Christian marriage bloggers. I’ve made myself more than available. I bought games, sexy lingerie coconut oil, lotions, sex toys, and even honest-to- goodness corsets to wear under my clothing to enhance my woefully undersized breasts and give me a pleasing shape. Still I am neglected more often than not. In the last three weeks we’ve had sex twice. Sometimes it’s even more infrequent. I buy concert tickets, make dinner reservations, and even book hotels. Nothing. Out of the last four times we’ve stayed at a hotel, we made love once, if you could call it that, it felt more like rape to me, and was only for his pleasure!

    I read that at his age, testosterone levels decrease, and may cause low desire. So, I made an appointment for him and asked him to go. He actually did go, but the tests showed normal levels of testosterone. So it’s not a physical problem. I am at my wits end. I have cried and prayed and begged and screamed and it just seems so hopeless. So here I am now looking at Google searches at two in the morning for d-i-y divorce kits! I cannot believe how desperate for his attention and affection I am! He just goes calmly along, like there is no problem, like all is right with the world. I am so miserable. I know God loves me, I know Jesus is always with me, but I need the physical and emotional marriage relationship that was promised to me on my wedding day! I cannot bare it. I have been banished to a lifetime of loneliness while the man I love sleeps just two feet away in our bed. I know people suffer all over the world, worse fates than this but OH GOD! this is too much for me. I just can’t bare it. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he gets defensive and angry. He yells “I AM DOING MORE” “I’M NOT LUSTING ANYMORE” But even if these things are true, and I think they are, why does he not have increased interest and passion for me? I cannot sufficiently put into words the depths of despair and hopelessness that I daily live in. I truly have no more hope.

    It seems that God has left me to live in this death like state for the rest of my life. WHY? It is turning me into a needy beggar who claws and fights for every scrap of affection and bit of love I can get from my husband. I am becoming someone I don’t even like. Because I am so often neglected, I am starving for the love that should flow freely and overwhelmingly from my husband through Christ. Sex is always on my mind now, or the lack of it. It’s all I ever think about, dream about, read about pray about, and the more I try to get it, the less I get. WHY? How can I not turn this inward and begin to believe that the problem IS me, that I am deficient, or somehow underserving.

    When I look ahead to the future, our marriage in our 50’s, 60’s and beyond, the dread of this sexless loneliness, the anemic intimacy that my marriage is, I cannot bear it. The cold gray ugliness of all those empty nights just makes me want to die. If I weren’t a believer I would make that happen.
    Please pray for us.
    -Hopeless in the Battle

    • I could have written this…..and even in prayer I have found – there are no answers. People who are not in this situation cannot understand the pain. The sexual intimacy in marriage is what makes the relationship different from all other relationships in one’s life. When one has chosen NOT to honor and love their spouse then they have broken their vows. What then?

    • I can’t believe that you consider 3x in 2 weeks is a “sexless marriage!” What??! That totally confuses me. I really thought you were going to say hat it’s been at least at ear since you and your Hubbs made love. I would be in my glory if I was in your shoes!! Then again, we are all different, and we all need to work on our marriages!

  3. WOW! how thankful i am that i’m not the only woman going thru this! I have been married for 5 years & had i known that this would have been such an issue for my husband & I, i probably wouldn’t have married him. don’t get me wrong, he fits my entire checklist of what i wanted in a husband–except a high sex drive. he’s a Godly man, a family man, tho we don’t have children yet. he is very close with his family and they are wonderful!

    we waited to have sex until i moved in with him, a mere 8 days before our wedding. i had spent nights at his house, we even slept in the same bed fully clothed and barely touched each other. we did have moments where we “fooled around”, kissing, petting over clothing, but i never let it go farther than that. he respected my feelings about sex before marriage. but had i known the rejection and lonliness i would feel in this marriage, i never would have married. i would have remained single and abstinent.

    he doesn’t even kiss me except for a quick peck when he leaves for work and then when he comes home. he doesn’t touch me even if to just hold my hand or put his arm around me. it’s like he’s repulsed by me. it’s like having a platonic roommate that i share a bed with. and he knows how i feel because i’ve told him, but he refuses to make strides towards change. it’s not important to him, therefore i feel like i’m not important to him, like our marriage isn’t important to him. everything else in our marriage is fantastic. we have the same goals, hopes, and dreams. we are active in our church. we are supportive to each other in all aspects (except sex). we spend time together with his family. but all we do as a couple is sit on the daggone couch and watch tv. sometimes we go hiking or kayaking but that’s only a time or 2 in the spring or summer. we ride his harley all over the place. i don’t know of a man that would literally push a woman away when she is trying to perform oral sex on him! but he does. i have humiliated myself before him for the last time. i have tried to seduce him for the last time. i can no longer take the rejection. but to throw away our marriage because of sex, to me, seems trivial. but there’s just no intimate connection like there was before we married. there’s no closeness.

    i’ve tried all sorts of things: prayer, pastoral counsel, psychologist, dressing sexy, i have an entire tackle box of sex toys, massage oils, lotions, potions, & books right next to the bed, i’ve tried dirty talk, telling him what i want, asking him what he wants, what his fantasies are…he just tells me that he has none. then about a year ago i found evidence on the computer that he’d been lookin at internet porn. i had had my suspicions of this and asked him several times, but he denied it each time. i even told him i wouldn’t be mad, that it would just be something in our marriage that we’d work through together.

    when i found out about the porn, he made the call to our pastors for counseling. we had a great session with them and for the next 3 days, i got it left, right, and crooked. but then it went back to about once every 3 months and that’s only when i pestered him about it. and by pestered i mean arousing him and him saying no and then my “please, baby i want you need you” plea. it makes me feel so unattractive and unloved and i’m all but ready to end my marriage. i just can’t seem to bring myself to throw away all the other wonderful things we have together over me not getting what i need in the bedroom. i, unfortunately, have fantasies at night and have kissed another man one time. and i feel awful about it. this has to change!!!

    Dear Lord, please heal my marriage!

    • Hi JoJo! Thank you for writing and sharing your story! It breaks my heart to hear what you and your hubby have been through. Please know that you are not alone out there, there are many wives going through very similar situations as you. I just recently wrote another post on this topic called, The Sexless Marriage Trap. Go down to the comments and you will see for sure that you are not alone. As with all of these stories, I wish I had a quick fix for you, but I don’t! And you cannot change your hubby, you can only change you. I know it sounds repedative, but keep praying, keep seeking God for him to fill you up in all the ways that you need. Is it fair and should your hubby be there, YES! Yet, when he is not, God can be that for you! Keep seeking to love and serve your hubby the way God asks, even when it seems so very one sided. Will it be easy-I am thinking it may be the hardest thing you ever do! Plain and simple!

      I think you are one brave women to try to spice things up and to get counseling. I would encourage you to keep trying to go to counseling. You can go by yourself, if he does not want to go with you. Make sure you find a good Christian counselor who values marriage!

      I cannot imagine the heartache you have been through, and though it may be hard to imagine, I believe your husband is a very broken person. He probably does not like himself much and hates what he is doing to you. Yet something has him trapped. Satan is good and he knows how to keep a foothold in our lives. Don’t give up hope that God can heal this chasm! He can bridge any gap that has been made and heal any pain. God is the God of restoration.

      Know that you are not alone and that I will be praying for you! We are always here at OFM if you need to talk, you can email us anytime! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  4. one last thing, i have spent my entire day today scouring this website as well as “the marriage bed” website for help and answers. thank y’all for your ministry!!

    • 🙂 So glad God has brought you to us, JoJo! And the marriage bed is so amazing! Let us know if we can help in any other way! Blessings, Kate

  5. This comment is for jojo!
    Asking love to your husband 2x in three weeks isn’t what I call, “a sexless marriage!!” You should be jumping up and down with those numbers! Now, my husband, and I go for 6-8 months!! Of course, that is not my choice, but it is what it is. I keep praying that things change, so I do have faith in our almighty father that things will get better. Just wanted to get my 2. Cents in for jojo…

  6. At ghe time I wrote that I was asking or trying to seduce him that often but stopped because he would always reject me. Once in 6-9 months is about average for us n I have to beg him n then I feel miserable. 🙁

  7. I don’t think the frequency matters when you consider yourself in a sexless marriage, the truth remains, your needs are not being met, whether you have sex once a week, once a month, or once a year.
    I too, am caught up in this viscious cycle. My self esteem is shot, and I am ready to give up. I dont pursue my husband any longer, why would I want to be rejected time and time again? And for those of us who also dont receive affection on top of a lack of making love, it is literally killing our spirit.
    I have turned away from trying to ‘fix’ him, and choose instead to better myself. Does it help our marriage? Not thus far, and I find myself wondering how much longer I can go on.
    I fought tooth and nail for this man, went through a lengthy immigration process, traveled over half the world twice to be with him, and this is what I get for all my hard work in trying to be the best wife I can be, helping him adjust to a new country and building him up with support and encouragement? I have realized I have married and chosen to love a man who is the very defintion of selfishness. I am not better, I am bitter!
    Day by day, our marriage turns colder. He sits in the basement, on the phone, the laptop and watching TV. I sit upstairs working from home and raising my son. Some days are spent with no more said than “good morning” and “goodnight”. Frankly, I am tired of pursuing him, even for affection. I would rather just be alone, than be lonely in this marriage.
    For those of you wishing to fight for your marriage, I wish you all the best. Your relationship with God is what will carry you through.

    • Wow, my heart is saddened to hear your story. I too, live in a sexless marriage, but I have decided to never give up on my marriage. The fact if the matter is that you don’t get any affection at all, and that must be killing your soul. I’m fortunate to have a hubby that is very affectionate. I may live in a sexless marriage, but thankfully we have affection with hugs and kisses. I will pray for you.

      • Thank you Gail. I have been feeling so terrible having posted our marital issues in public, and calling him selfish. I am praying for you as well.

        • Never ever give up!!! Jesus has a plan, and he wants us to work on our marriages. I would have a major sit-down with the Hubbs, and tell him how u feel. Or, you could write him a heartfelt letter….you gotta watch fireproof with Kirk Cameron..that may help a little?…..good luck, and keep us updated. Your marriage is worth every effort!

    • Hi. Just wanted to say I understand your situation and am so sorry for the pain you are in. We are married over 30 years and I have felt so lonely and hurt for most of the last twenty years. Other than getting into God’s Word and making myself be more proactive in cultivating my friendships with godly women, I haven’t received a lot of encouragement. You need to know, though, that you can’t continue to hold on to the bitterness (hard, I know!!!) without it eventually doing damage to you mentally, spiritually and physically. I am taking blood pressure meds and usually have a literal pain in my heart due to the stress of living without affection other than the occasional sexual contact. My husband knows how I feel but, for whatever issues of his own, cannot or will not “love” me other than sexually which, without the rest never feels like love. We have been basically sex-less for 15 or 20 years, currently trying to work through that but, without the relational aspects it seems flat and lifeless and I often feel used but, I do believe God will bless if I have a right heart attitude. I pray God gives you wisdom for your situation and that your husband commits himself to looking at his own issues and to truly loving you. I believe God has a greater plan and that He desires to heal our marriages, in all areas, as a testimony to others of His goodness , faithfulness and love.

      • Thank you for the encouragement L! I feel your pain, just as my own. I am praying for a breakthrough in your marriage! You are a strong woman, as are all the women here going through this. You all have inspired me to keep trying, so thank you!

  8. To all of you ladies, my heart truly breaks for where you are and the heartbreak you are going through. You are NOT alone, please know that!

    I am not sure if you have heard of Spice and Love, but she is a fellow marriage blogger and she is the higher drive wife. She is knee deep in this with you ladies. Please check out her blog and also I will give you a resource page our dear friend Julie at Intimacy in Marriage has set up for wives who are the higher drive spouse. I am lifting you up right now! Never give up, there is always hope! Kate

    http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com/

  9. Wish I’d seen this before and the links that led me here. Maybe I wouldn’t be divorced. My spouse was in full time ministry and treated the dog with more affection. If you leave your front door unlocked and wide open, and go on vacation, don’t be surprised when someone steals your TV. If you don’t pay attention to your wife, someone else will. It becomes a secret that is hard to hide, this rejection and pain. I wonder husbands, what you really expect when you withhold affection? How long do you think it will be before your wife leaves you or finds affection elsewhere? Really what do you expect after years of rejection in all forms? My goodness,the leader of the home, the protector and provider (he did neither really), pretty much left me as total bait for the enemy, so vulnerable. Even after being confronted with that despair, and years of tears, still just left me abandoned in my heart. Yeah, that doesn’t heal easily. Not sure that reading this stuff is good for me, it stirs up such sadness and bitterness, I don’t think I will ever be “over it”. I was supposed to grow old with him. I sometimes think that all the prayer in the world is to comfort the hole in my heart, and pacify that feeling, its like you convince yourself it doesn’t matter, keeping positive, and not getting mad at the husband, and then pray more to ask God’s comfort, and then more, and there are glimpses of okayness, when you are distracted with activities and kids, and work. That’s great, until there is no buffer anymore, just you and him and he wants to watch TV and eat, and pulls away from your cuddling. Like the comment above, the feeling of repulsion is what is conveyed. The overall disappointment and hurt just remain, no matter how much God loves me, and yes I get that Jesus provides all I need, still, didn’t he give me a husband, wasn’t that part of the plan, and then to get a sexless man, its like God pulled the rug out from under me.

    • Hi Sadly Divorced,

      Reading both of your comments I see that you are full of hurt and rightly so. I wish that for all marriages that are hurting and done, I could breath life back into them. But I am not the giver of life, only Jesus can do that. And as much as Jesus CAN do that, he wants his people to want to have the life back in them. Jesus does provide all and you need to fine assurance in that. Taking time to let Jesus unending love wash over you and heal your heart is where you will find life again. Your husband had a choice and while God did bless you with a husband, he has no desire to make your husband his puppet. He desires for your husband to want to change, to want to be the husband to you he describes in His word. God is just as saddened by your hurt and despair as you are.

      More then wanting to see your marriage restored, God desires for your heart to be restored. For you to believe and rest in the assurance that God loves you dearly and nothing will ever change that. So many times we cling to the hope that God will change our circumstances, when really true hope in Jesus is that he loves us dearly and has a plan for our life, regardless of whether or not our circumstances ever change. That is true hope! Cling to that. God can heal your hurt if you let go of it and allow Him to do so.

      Will it be easy, no-but it will be freedom in Christ. I hope and pray that you will allow God to soothe your heart and know that he loves you and that he still has an amazing plan for your life! Blessings, Kate

  10. He is now engaged to someone else. He’s waiting for marriage he says before having sex, even though he lives with the woman and sleeps in the same bed. Says he’s “honoring God” by waiting. I think its just a cover for his lack of desire and ability. Worst fear, is that really he is better and it was always all me, and he’ll make her happy by being affectionate in the ways I always wanted. Maybe if I had cleaned the house more… haha, that was his standard answer to my wifely shortcomings, I didn’t clean the way he wanted.

  11. I’ve been married 4 times. Sad and unfortunate situations. I did not want to get married the 4th time, but he pursued me. He has lived a very loose life so i thought with all his experience, we would have a great sex life, but boy, was i mistaking. When I have talked to him about the lack of his desire, he has twice told me that he is not attracted to me. I have been told by strangers what a beautiful women I am…even by women. But my husband won’t even look at me when I am naked. I tan a little and take goood care of myself. I dont even know why I’m writing… I guess i never have so i guess its just good therapy. Ive got to get to my small group… tootles!

  12. We’ve been married almost a year and haven’t had sex yet, not even on our honeymoon. We have have talked about it, we both have no idea what we’re doing and don’t try anything. I’m trying to pray for my spouse and have faith, but it’s so hard when i get in something sexy and he falls asleep. I mean, we do cuddle, but we’ve never even gotten naked or fooled around. I feel so ignored, even though that’s not it at all. I know things like this take time, but it just seems like it’s taking too long and i’m really trying to not be frustrated.

  13. I have suffered through this very thing during the last 7 years. Recently, I have learned that my husband is a closeted gay man. This brings so much clarity into my pain and brings so much more pain into my life. I’m not saying other husbands with regular testosterone levels might be gay, but it is something to consider. I’ll never confront him as he would deny this. I have decided to leave the comfort of a marriage and feel the Lord is revealing so much to me in this new chapter of my life. My husband had never had a desire to know me so the lack of physical intimacy does not surprise me.