Part 2 -He’s Lost the Loving Feeling

Brad says…

In part 1 of my post, “He’s Lost that Loving Feeling” we looked at the potential causes for men’s low sexual desire.   In Part 2 we are going to explore the other reasons that a man might not be sexually active with his willing wife.  This doesn’t actually have to do with low sexual desire.  They might happen in concert with the issues in post 1 or they might be totally separate.  These husbands are having an issue with the direction of their desire.

The Plague of Same

It is not a surprise to anyone who has been married more than a year that sex can get to be less exciting then it once was.  I’m not sure it ever descends into the realm of boring but it can be, the same positions, the same locations, the same everything.  Same works for some couples, but it can be detrimental to others.  Men see the routine as communicating that their partner must not be enjoying sex.  Let’s be honest here, new is stimulating.  New gets our hearts pounding.  Some people have used this fact to disparage marriage, to say that we were not actually intended to be with only one partner.  This is simply not the truth!  New does not mean you need a new partner, it means that you and your spouse need to communicate about ways to bring new into your relationship.  There is a plethora of “new” that the two of you can try!  The key here is communication.  It is easy to think that the sameness is your wife’s fault, but that isn’t true.  Your are part of the sameness and you are part of the solution.  No, you can not immediately buy a new sex toy and expect your wife to be thrilled about it.  You can take your wife on a getaway, have lots of sex (as often happens on vacations) then talk to your wife the whole way home about how the two of you can bring that same excitement home with you.

Anger, the Anti-aphrodisiac

If I’ve heard how I don’t fold the laundry right, or that I picked the wrong parking spot, or a myriad of other things, don’t expect me to be receptive to some action. (Tony, in a comment)

Anger, hurt, disappointment, disgust, remorse…

All of these emotions have one thing in common; they drive us away from our sp0use.  We have all heard of makeup sex, but there is NO sex without the makeup.  If there are unresolved emotional or trust issues in your marriage it will have a significant dampening effect on your sex life.   This is normal, but it can get to be a problem if it is chronic.  In this case you need to prioritize fixing the emotional intimacy before you will be able to work on your sexual intimacy.

When conflict in your marriage goes unresolved it can fester into a serious problem.  All the sudden little issues become huge slaps in the face.  Every little flaw and slip can become a source of irritation driving you farther and farther apart.  Anger tries to get you to blame a situation or another person.  This is rarely solves the problem.  Rather than focusing on trying to change your wife, try to focus on everything that you can do to in the situation. Try to look at life from your wife’s perspective and see if your anger is misplaced.  This might allow you to see behaviors, habits, or laziness in yourself that needs to be addressed.

Missing the Target

It is impossible to talk about a husband’s reluctances to sex in marriage without addressing the reality of miss directed sex drive.  When regular masturbation, pornography addiction, or even an affair has entered into the marriage it is likely to affect your sexual relationship.  I say likely only because there are times when a couple will continue to have regular sex even while these elements are involved, but there is still a great affect on the couple’s sexual intimacy.  Guys, you know if this is the issue.  If it is, you NEED to seek help.  As many of you already know trying to fix these issues on your own does not work.  You will need help to turn your back on these issues and restore your relationship.  Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, it is a strength!

 Telling it like it is

Society says the frequency of sex is dictated by the husband’s desire, God says sexual intimacy is important no matter what.  When Kate wrote, “We haven’t had sex in over a year” to encourage wives who were not sexually active with their husbands she quoted 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5.

 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NLT)

Guy’s this was not just written to make sure the wife gives her husband sex as often as he desires it.  It was written because God knew that sex was essential for marriage.  You also need to live by these words.  If you are wrestling with low sex drive, or miss directed desire it is your responsibility to work on these issues.  God designed marriage and his plan shows us the way to live it to the fullest.   Keep praying, keep seeking his will and your marriage will grow.

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4 Responses to Part 2 -He’s Lost the Loving Feeling

  1. Hi. I am a wife struggling with the fact that my husband has no desire for ME. We have been married 5months and had sex less than 10 times. We are (new)christians only been following Jesus for 2years. I met my hubby just over a year ago. It seemed fine, he was INTO ME, flirty , fun, loving, affectionate. I found a porn collection and asked him to destroy it, he did, but the left the ones I hadn’t seen in their safe place. I then found that collection…according to him he “forgot” about that lot because he hadn’t watched it for 2years. (this is including the dvds I 1st found behind his tv) I stupidly believed him, and he burned that lot too. He told me he has not watched it for 2years and that he will not again. As I say pre marriage he was into me…we had premarital sex, once a week, we wern’t living together. Since marriage sex has DIED, he doesn’t say I’m hot, sexy anymore, nor does he flirt, attempt to have sex with me either. I even bought sexy black lingerie to wear, make-up the works and he looked straight through me??? Even when I jump on him he doesn’t show any interest ……SINCE WE GOT MARRIED. i knew something was wrong…i feel a massive distance between us, the few times we’ve had sex in marriage has been disconnected, and very unsatisfactory for me. All about him. So I went through bank statements, and to video store records…he had rented porn dvds right up to 2 days before we got married, weekly, from the time he destroyed the lot I found that he owned, right through he maintained he wasn’t although I could feel a darkness.
    Now that I know he is saying that he won’t do it again….since we got married he stopped…..could this be the reason for no desire to have sex with his wife? because he needs porn to get going? because I don’t meet the visual standard to arouse him? Is porn the reason we had good sex before marriage because he had those images in his mind? He is claiming that he never got porn for masturbation or sexual needs because he got what he needed from me, if that were so…why rent SO MUCH PORN 4x a month???? I believe he has a problem or addiction, he says he doesn’t. He will not admit porn has a hold on him. I’ve organised counselling for next month, but how will it work if he continues to deny the addiction? His ex wife told me that porn was a regular occurance in their marriage..DVDs, digital pay per view, magazines and internet. She said they watched it together to get things going, but she felt he was picturing them because it was after porn he would have sex. She realised how bad it was when she’d arrive home and find him watching it without her. Soon after she left.

    Does my husband have an addiction? or is he just being selfish and deceitful…as he knew before we got married it was not acceptable to me. How will he come out of the denial????

    • Hi ALanon! First I am so sorry that we did not resond to your comment sooner. Sometimes comments slip through our fingers and I always feel awful when they do. Again sorry. Thanks for being brave and sharing your story. It breaks my heart to hear of all that you two are expereincing! This is Kate by the way. I would say that you and your hubby definitely need counseling. You may have already gone and I hope that you do. Porn is a problem regardless of whether or not a person is actually addicted or just “dabbles” as many say. Your hubby may be in denial about how much porn is a part of his life and the hold it has on him. He also may have other sexual issues going on, that have led him to the porn and the issues with experiencing sexual intimacy with you. These are all things that need to be discussed between the two of you and a counselor could be a great help. The counselor will help you both to see all sides as well as look into the past. When did your hubby start, why did he start, what kind of family was he raised in, all of that is vital to healing and recovery. You also need to heal and recover. The choices we make as individuals affect so much more then just us. This is so very true where porn and sexual addictions are true. They tear away at the spouse who is not involved. There is hope and healing in God’s plan for marriage. He can heal your hubby and help him in his walk of purity.Since you are newer Christians, I would encourage you to find a couple at your church that you could talk to about all of this as well. Someone you can trust and that will be open minded, understanding, challening and yet not condemming! I hope that make sense.I do agree that something is going on and that your hubby may very well have a problem if not an addiction. It is hard to assess all of that, not being in your everyday lives. Find help in your church as well as a well recommened Christian counselor! Keep praying and don’t give up! Know that I will be praying for you and your hubby! Please, please feel contact me to chat more if you would like. I promise it won’t take me this long to get back to you again!  Blessings, Kate

    • ALanon I pray that you and your husband did go to counseling because he most certainly DOES have a porn addiction. I will bet it played into the demise of his first marriage, and went unchecked right into yours. (I know this because its my story too) I applaud you for making an effort to improve your sexlife, and although it will help, he needs to get help, either counseling or a sexual addiction support group through your church. I pray for healing for you and for him!!

      see http://www.puredesire.org … that is the material my church used.

  2. It’s been nearly a year since my wife and I have been intimate. Sex has been nothing but a source of frustration fore me since our honeymoon (almost four years ago), when I was unable to perform. I was able to overcome that through exercise and healthier eating, but our sex life did not improve. We had sex at most once every three months, and she always complained that it was painful. Between those times, we would make out several times, but my attempts to initiate intercourse were met with passive resistance (for example, she would just lay there while I tried to remove her clothing). On several occasions I have tried to discuss our lack of intimacy, and how I can make this a more pleasurable experience for us. She responds by trying to change the subject. One time I suggested she ask her doctor about the pain she experiences during intercourse, and she responded by giving me the cold shoulder for several days. I finally had enough. I ceased all intimate contact with her. My problem now? I’m still sexually frustrated. I can’t get her to discuss it with me, or a pastor or counselor. I can’t get her to speak with her doctor about it. I just don’t know what to do anymore.