In part 1 of my post, “He’s Lost that Loving Feeling” we looked at the potential causes for men’s low sexual desire. In Part 2 we are going to explore the other reasons that a man might not be sexually active with his willing wife. This doesn’t actually have to do with low sexual desire. They might happen in concert with the issues in post 1 or they might be totally separate. These husbands are having an issue with the direction of their desire.
The Plague of Same
It is not a surprise to anyone who has been married more than a year that sex can get to be less exciting then it once was. I’m not sure it ever descends into the realm of boring but it can be, the same positions, the same locations, the same everything. Same works for some couples, but it can be detrimental to others. Men see the routine as communicating that their partner must not be enjoying sex. Let’s be honest here, new is stimulating. New gets our hearts pounding. Some people have used this fact to disparage marriage, to say that we were not actually intended to be with only one partner. This is simply not the truth! New does not mean you need a new partner, it means that you and your spouse need to communicate about ways to bring new into your relationship. There is a plethora of “new” that the two of you can try! The key here is communication. It is easy to think that the sameness is your wife’s fault, but that isn’t true. Your are part of the sameness and you are part of the solution. No, you can not immediately buy a new sex toy and expect your wife to be thrilled about it. You can take your wife on a getaway, have lots of sex (as often happens on vacations) then talk to your wife the whole way home about how the two of you can bring that same excitement home with you.
Anger, the Anti-aphrodisiac
If I’ve heard how I don’t fold the laundry right, or that I picked the wrong parking spot, or a myriad of other things, don’t expect me to be receptive to some action. (Tony, in a comment)
Anger, hurt, disappointment, disgust, remorse…
All of these emotions have one thing in common; they drive us away from our sp0use. We have all heard of makeup sex, but there is NO sex without the makeup. If there are unresolved emotional or trust issues in your marriage it will have a significant dampening effect on your sex life. This is normal, but it can get to be a problem if it is chronic. In this case you need to prioritize fixing the emotional intimacy before you will be able to work on your sexual intimacy.
When conflict in your marriage goes unresolved it can fester into a serious problem. All the sudden little issues become huge slaps in the face. Every little flaw and slip can become a source of irritation driving you farther and farther apart. Anger tries to get you to blame a situation or another person. This is rarely solves the problem. Rather than focusing on trying to change your wife, try to focus on everything that you can do to in the situation. Try to look at life from your wife’s perspective and see if your anger is misplaced. This might allow you to see behaviors, habits, or laziness in yourself that needs to be addressed.
Missing the Target
It is impossible to talk about a husband’s reluctances to sex in marriage without addressing the reality of miss directed sex drive. When regular masturbation, pornography addiction, or even an affair has entered into the marriage it is likely to affect your sexual relationship. I say likely only because there are times when a couple will continue to have regular sex even while these elements are involved, but there is still a great affect on the couple’s sexual intimacy. Guys, you know if this is the issue. If it is, you NEED to seek help. As many of you already know trying to fix these issues on your own does not work. You will need help to turn your back on these issues and restore your relationship. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, it is a strength!
Telling it like it is
Society says the frequency of sex is dictated by the husband’s desire, God says sexual intimacy is important no matter what. When Kate wrote, “We haven’t had sex in over a year” to encourage wives who were not sexually active with their husbands she quoted 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5.
The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NLT)
Guy’s this was not just written to make sure the wife gives her husband sex as often as he desires it. It was written because God knew that sex was essential for marriage. You also need to live by these words. If you are wrestling with low sex drive, or miss directed desire it is your responsibility to work on these issues. God designed marriage and his plan shows us the way to live it to the fullest. Keep praying, keep seeking his will and your marriage will grow.