Kate says . . .
I was thinking that my title would be great for talking about lingerie. I mean lingerie that is completely transparent is sure to be a hit for your hubby’s. Since that is a great idea, I will keep that in mind for a future post. But I was thinking along other lines . . . in Brad’s last post, Secrets, Privacy & One Flesh Marriage, he tackled some tough and controversial issues. Some readers have shared their thoughts and it has been very interesting to see what people think about marriage and privacy.
I have a question that pops into my mind when thinking of secrets and privacy. How often do you keep things (anything really) from your hubby and convince yourself they are different or less then they really are?
I have experienced over my many years in life (34 I am proud to say), that people have the amazing skill of doing one thing and then convincing themselves that it either did not happen all together or that it happened all together differently. For instance, we are a part of something that we know was wrong or crossed over a line and so we back pedal and tell ourselves it was not as bad as it seemed. Once we convince ourselves, we are then ready to convince others if need be. If I am honest with myself, I can admit that I have definitely done the second on that list, perhaps the first although I hope not.
I think that this mindset can come into play where privacy and secrets are concerned with marriage. Whether it is spending way too much money at the mall, poking fun at your hubby to all of your girlfriends just for a good laugh or chatting extensively with someone of the opposite sex through social media. All of these things can leave us with a temporary high that we enjoy. So we easily find ourselves back in a similar spot doing the same thing again. Perhaps we find that these things can fill a void that we feel in our marriage. Or perhaps they just stroke our ego and make us feel special. Whatever the reason, playing with fire becomes attractive.
I have to be honest and go on record as saying, I think secrets hold no value and can only cause trouble, chiseling away at trust. I also think that privacy leaves when the marriage vows enter. The marriage relationship was created by God and is like no other relationship. None other compares! So when we are talking about privacy, please remember your other family members, including children and parents do not apply. It is understandable to set up boundaries where they are concerned. You are not “one flesh” with any of them.
I like many people, love surprising my hubby. I also love being surprised by him, as long as it is not in front of a room full of people. (SO not my thing.) But surprises are only here and there. They are most likely not a constant dynamic in your marriage. So asking your hubby not look at any emails from a certain company or not to look at all your email for a day or two is understandable. Surprises are great and I would even encourage them. Where transparently and trust are the forefront of a marriage, surprises should never really be a problem.
Then there is the ever popular subject of permission. Many have expressed that, they would rather their spouse ask before going into their email or other accounts. I do realize that we all come from different backgrounds, were raised in different families and so we all enter marriage with different comfort levels as well as thoughts on privacy. While I respect these variations, the question that won’t stop nagging me is, “why”? Why would you need or want your hubby to ask permission before logging on to any account you may have. If you feel that your hubby (or wife) should ask permission, then I challenge you that you need to really question why. While snooping is not a good or trustworthy behavior, neither is setting up these boundaries in marriage. Personal space and alone time are one thing. Having a place where your spouse is not allowed, works directly against being one flesh.
If you are a wife who loves her hubby tremendously, but also loves to keep certain parts of her life privately hidden, I would challenge you to rethink that approach. Openness and complete transparency is a wise way to be. I believe it is also how God designed marriage to be. Though there are no specific scriptures, I believe complete transparency and openness is supported fully through all of the scriptures speaking to husbands and wives. Even so, Ephesians 5:21 rings in my head each time I think about having secrets, walls and boundaries up between husbands and wives.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. (NIV)
How can we submit to one another, when we are keeping things from one another? Part of submitting in marriage is complete openness. Even if you expect your hubby to ask to see your email, you are building a wall. Walls will do their best to discourage your one flesh journey. That’s what they do, they are walls! Ephesians 5:21 is a verse that instructs us all as believers, but the marriage relationship is different. God desires for you and your hubby to have a marriage where two become one and where secrets cannot get a foothold.
I would imagine, if you offered for all of your email and other social media to be completely open for your hubby to look at anytime, he would greatly appreciate the gesture. I think you also would find that he probably would not be daily checking out what you are doing. Anyone who is willing to offer that kind of transparency freely, is trusted.