Hen Pecking Party

Brad says…

Kate’s most recent post, “License to Complain” addressed an important marriage issue, complaining. I have seen how complaining can destroy a marriage even before healing or restoration can take place.  On the other hand, I’ve seen how the fear of complaining can stifle and limit a spouse from getting the support that she desperately needs.

Kate clearly says that complaining about your marriage to friends doesn’t help, but at the end of her post she talked about the pull between complaining and getting support.

“I believe that there are times we [wives] need to talk things through and share some frustrations.  I have a select group of trusted friends with whom I can talk about my marriage.  There are times I will go to them with struggles”

There is a fine line between complaining and talking things out, but it is an important distinction that all husbands need to understand.  As I said in my post, “Night Out” your wife is designed to be social.  When things in marriage are difficult some men expect their wife to curb this natural tendency and keep everything “in the home”.  I think this policy gets adopted simply because they think only about the negatives of hen pecking, and not the positive support of a group of healthy women.

We can encourage our wives to develop the healthy supportive relationships with other women that Kate was talking about and at the same time communicate our fears of negative complaining.

Encourage the Positive

Does your wife have a friend who has a healthy outlook on marriage and life?  How can you encourage your wife connecting with her and getting that support?  I would encourage you to go out of your way to help grow these kind of relationship. Is your wife having a hard time making a decision about something?  Instead of just giving the answer, (a no-no husbands anyway) ask what her friend’s advice is.  Hear her talking on the phone with this friend? Ask about their conversation.  I know these things go against the norm, but anything you can do to encourage a positive supportive relationship will be a blessing to your wife, and your marriage!

But Her Friends Aren’t Healthy

I’m sure that some of you reading this are thinking, “If her talking was getting support that would be fine, but all _____ does is reinforce how terrible a husband I am, and how she could do better without me”.  Unfortunately, there are negative people out there and they can add a complicating factor to your relationship with your wife.  If you are concerned about this response coming from your wife’s friend (or family for that matter) then you need to communicate your worries to your wife.  Don’t just say don’t, or complain anytime the friends name is brought up.  Talk about the positives and negatives with your wife.  Try this, “I know you love talking to ____ when things are stressful, and I really want you to be able to vent and get support, but I’m worried that what ___ says is not helping our marriage.”  I’m not suggesting that will be an easy conversation, but stating right up front that you want her to have an outlet will improve things!

I’ve Never Said That

Even if there is no stated, “keep it in the house” rule that you have ever communicated to your wife she might feel there is.  Sometimes these rules actually come from our parents, and simply get adopted into our family.  The problem is if she is following the unstated rule, then she is missing out on support.  On the other hand, if she isn’t following it then she is probably feeling guilty and has limited her talking to you about what she and her friends discuss.  Have a conversation about this and release her from any unwritten expectations.

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