Kate says . . .
As I was listening to our pastor preach this morning, I was writing notes for future blogs on my iPod touch. It entered my mind that the pastor must think me quite rude for texting during his sermons. Honestly, he has so much good stuff packed in his sermon’s that I just have to jot down my ideas before I forget them. So if you are reading this, Pastor Sam . . . thanks for all the great inspiration and no I was not texting!
One thing that struck me was the idea that, if we have hardship in our life then we feel we have a license to complain. We have earned the right simply because life stinks. Have you ever felt this way? How about in your marriage? For whatever reason, your marriage is not what you want it to be and therefore you have the right to complain. Someone asks how life is, and you unload all. I think if we are honest, most of us can say that we have been there at some point in our lives. We woman like to talk! If you are like me, an introvert, you like to chat with your close girlfriends. If you are an extrovert, you may enjoy talking to any friend, new or old.
So why do we love to chat? Is that ok? When does chatting become complaining? What if we really need to vent to someone? What effects does complaining having on my marriage? These are all great questions. I ask myself these things on a regular basis, because in the past I have struggled with my attitude about my marriage and life in general. I have struggled with being negative and wanting people to hear my woes. When I was real with myself, I knew how bad this behavior was for me as well as my marriage. I began to realize how much I didn’t like this aspect of myself. I wanted to breathe life and thankfulness into my marriage, not death and destruction. So I knew I had to change and I had to keep myself in check, mentally.
Why should wives work to change this behavior?
Complaining and the spirit of complaining helps no one. It brings tension and a spirit of brokenness to your one flesh journey. It is a focus on the negative and not on the positive. A focus on what we don’t have, aren’t getting, but think we deserve. Instead of focusing on what we do have and are blessed with. Not only is the focus on the negative, it is a fast spiral downward, one that is very hard to dig yourself out of. Once you start the negative pattern of complaining, it becomes like a black cloud over you. You feel yuck and the need to complain often. Seeing blessings and joy in your life becomes harder. We have a choice . . . breathe life into our marriage or not.
How should wives change this behavior?
What does God’s word say about complaining?
Philippians 2:14-15 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky. (NIV)
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (NIV)
Proverbs 18:21 Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. (MSG)
Proverbs 31:26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. (NIV)
I don’t know about you, but I want to be a wife who speaks wisdom and builds up others especially my hubby. Even if it is a challenge at times.
Will stopping complaining fix our marriage problems?
No and Yes. Changing your habits to eliminate complaining and negative talk will not fix all of your marriage issues that you may have or will have in the future. Regardless, I believe that positive change will happen. When we are obedient to God’s word and His will for our lives, he blesses us. He will use your willingness to do what He asks to bless your marriage. There may be changes that surprise you , but I think you will truly see and feel a difference. Just like all aspects of marriage, this is just one piece of the pie. But it is an important piece!
Who do I talk to when I need to vent?
I believe that there are times we need to talk things through and share some frustrations. I have a select group of trusted friends with whom I can talk about my marriage. There are times I will go to them with struggles, but I try very hard to present both sides when I do. Once I have shared, I ask them to pray for us. After that, I find time to talk with Brad. I have learned over the years, that not talking through my frustrations and hurts with Brad, brings us to a place we don’t want to be. Consider who are the women in your life who can be a trusted sounding board. Those who will lift you up in prayer, challenge you and help you to not get stuck in a complaining mode.
I know that I still struggle at times, but now I talk within myself before I talk outwardly to others. If I really need to talk, I call my trusted friends. If mess up, and it does happen, I ask forgiveness. Forgiveness of both who I shared with and Brad. I know I am not alone out there on this battle of complaining. I would love to hear what you wives and hubby’s think about the subject. Also share what ways have helped you to overcome this struggle.
I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife, who breathes life into her marriage, not takes life away from it! How about you?
Note: Woke up this morning and read The Generous Wife’s post, as I do most mornings, and was in awe once again of how God can write similar things on many of our hearts. I felt like this guest post from Fawn of the Happy Wives Club, Happiness is a Choice, was spot on with much of what I was talking about in my post! Then go check out the guest post Lori wrote for the Happy Wives Club, Peer Pressure…The Good Kind, it was spot on as well! God is amazing! Go and check it out!
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[...] Excerpted Recommended PASTOR LEADERS article FROM http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/11/license-complain.html [...]
[...] most recent post, “License to Complain” addressed an important marriage issue, complaining. I have seen how complaining can destroy a [...]
Kate,
Oh how true this is. It is much easier to complain than it is to be grateful.
I believe the key to stopping this cycle begins with repentance. Complaining is really a charge against God who has ordered our steps. If we don’t like where we are, it starts with a lack of trust in God’s plan. I have found repentance must take place before any effort to reroute my thinking starts. Otherwise I am simply trying to do the work myself – and I hate to say I have done this many times. It doesn’t work. Only God can change my sinful complaining heart into a loving, grateful heart no matter the circumstance.
Thank you for sharing honestly, and also sharing how God is helping you by having others post on the same topic! I love it!!!
Blessings,
Debi
Hi Debi and thanks so much for sharing! You are so very right, repentace is so vital. There are so many times in our marriage, that bringing myself to my knees at Jesus’ feet with my attitude is where change begins! Then sitting at my hubby’s feet and asking for his forgiveness. These two things truly bring about a heart change and restoration. When we do it of our own strength, we find ourselves right back in the same place with the same pattern. Been there too!
So, so thankful for The Romantic Vineyard! Blessings, Kate
[...] License To Complain – Excellent post by Kate on how we justify this sin in our lives and our marriage. [...]