One Child in Heaven

We are honored to have Don and Doris guest post and share their story with us. Together they serve as pastors at the church we love and call home. We are incredibly blessed by them and their willingness to share of the very real place marriages find themselves when they share the loss of a child. Here is their story.

Don and Doris say . . .

What Happens to Your Marriage When Your World Comes to a Screeching Halt?

Don: It was raining that Sunday morning. Life was busy but good as we were raising our 3 young kids, running a dairy farm and a bed and breakfast, as well as leading small groups and serving on the worship team at our church. I had trouble with the silo unloader that morning so I was running a little late for worship practice. We’re singing through the songs and Doris (always multitasking) is nursing Dustin, our 4 ½ month old son, while Matt (6) and Heather (2) are playing in the back seat. It’s 1983 – before seatbelts and infant car seats were required. I notice a large pool of water on my side of the road and a vehicle coming the other way, so I can’t avoid it. Suddenly our car is out of control – hydroplaning they call it – and just like that we slam head-on into a large maple tree. Then silence… I realize I’m sitting down under the steering wheel. Doris, with Dustin on her lap, is not responding, the dash pushed back against her legs. Matt and Heather are both bleeding with multiple cuts on their foreheads. I try to get out, but I’m pinned in. So I calm Matt and Heather down and pray with them. I’m very concerned about Doris, still no response. Help arrives. One by one they take us out. I hear them say: “we’ll need the jaws-of-life to cut her out.” The next thing I remember I’m in the ambulance, searing pain in my hip and leg, but all I can think about is Doris. I ask the attendant,” how’s my wife – she’s hurt the worst.” The attendant says, “That’s not what I hear – it’s the baby they’re most concerned about.” “Tell me, I want the truth.” “I’ll let you know as soon as I find out,” she says. Just as we arrive at the hospital, she says, “They just informed me that your little boy didn’t make it!”

Don: It seemed like time stood still. I suddenly realized that life would never be the same again. I wanted to see Doris – I must be with her when she finds out about Dustin. It seemed like hours – x-rays, unbearable pain, more x-rays, more waiting, a close friend arrived, and then one of our pastors came – where is Doris? I must see her. Finally they wheeled her in beside me, both of us strapped to gurneys in the ER. I reached out and took her hand.

Doris: That’s when the doctor started to explain all of our injuries: Don – shattered knee cap, displaced hip; Me – multiple pelvic fractures, concussion and bruises; Matt and Heather – facial and scalp lacerations: and then he said those dreaded words – your baby – he didn’t make it – he died from a traumatic head injury. I had only recently regained consciousness – missed the horrible pain of going through x-rays at least! I realized we had been in an accident, but knew nothing else. And for the first time to realize our baby was gone… I remember immediately deep within my heart resolving that I would trust God with what had just happened and that we would somehow make it through. Shortly after the doctor told us about Dustin, in walked the chaplain from the hospital where our baby had been taken, bringing him to us against doctor’s orders, realizing that it was important for us to see our baby. Don got to hold him and we were able to say goodbye to our precious little son. We were so glad the chaplain brought Dustin to us because our injuries would prevent us from going to his funeral.

Don: The next two days in critical care were mostly a blur, but one thing I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday, was the overwhelming, agonizing feeling of guilt. I’m the husband, the father. I was driving the car and I’m supposed to be the protector, but instead I am responsible for the death of my son. I’m the cause of my wife’s empty arms. Condemning thoughts bombarded my mind. If only we would’ve left earlier… if only I would’ve been going slower… if only… I couldn’t sleep. In the middle of the night I cried out to God.” God – I can’t live the rest of my life feeling like this!” Very calmly He said, “You don’t have to; you can exchange it for my peace. I’ve taken it for you.” And the burden of guilt lifted, just like that. I can’t really explain it, but from that night on I never felt that condemnation again.

Doris: I remember the deep sadness of realizing I would never hold my baby again. To add to the heart pain was the pain of extremely bruised breasts since Dustin’s head had been crushed between my chest and the dashboard, and then later on the added pain of engorgement. There is nothing much worse than full breasts and empty arms. But I remember deciding in the midst of this terrible loss that I would choose to focus on what we still had MORE than on what was lost. I still had Don and Matt and Heather to live for. I knew I couldn’t stay focused on the loss. No amount of grieving would ever bring Dustin back to us.

Don: The next day when they moved me to a regular room, I kept asking how soon Doris could join me. All I wanted was to be with her – to walk this journey of grief together. The staff soon realized we would do better together so they moved her into my room. It wasn’t long until we convinced them to push our beds tightly together! It seemed like God had us surrounded in a bubble of peace, comfort and healing. We were carried by the prayers of people we knew and those we didn’t know.

Doris: Because of the nature of our injuries we both had to lie flat on our backs – no getting out of bed or sitting up – yes, bed pans and the whole bit! This was our life for the next 4 weeks. Did I mention meals delivered to us each and every day? We decided we might as well enjoy being catered to – when does that ever happen in our busy lives?! So here we were side by side in bed 24/7, having lots of time to talk, to grieve, to begin to heal.

Don: I thank God that Doris and I had a really strong relationship going into this. I was able to tell her about my struggle with guilt and the “if only’s” and how God lifted that from me. We were able to be gut level real with each other about what we were going through. That vulnerability with real emotions drew us together in an amazing way. We had long talks with God, we vented our anger and disappointment, we cried, we prayed, we worshipped. There were several songs that God used to minister deeply to us as we played them over and over again. Our favorites were: “We Will Glorify” by Twila Paris and “The Lord is My Shepherd” by Keith Green. We heard about how couples who lose a child often have trouble processing their grief and they begin building emotional walls affecting their marriage in a negative way. We decided we would not blame each other. We were not going to let the enemy in. As a result we experienced a spiritual and emotional intimacy that was deeper than anything we had ever experienced before.

Don: One night about 3 weeks into our hospital stay, Doris very slowly worked her way over into my bed and began snuggling up to me. I’m thinking, “Is she coming on to me?” So I said, “Ah Honey, your pelvis has been pinned and wired together. We’re supposed to lie flat on our backs; my hip is still healing into the socket.” She said, “I know, but I don’t care. I need you right now – we need each other!” Believe me when I say there is nothing like very careful, somewhat naughty, but very deeply connecting sex! It was such a healing, bonding experience, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Doris: And we thought we got away with it – but the next morning when the nurse was changing my sheets, she said, “I’m concerned that you might have an infection – there is this discharge. So we had to fess up! Well you can imagine how that story spread around to all the nurses!

Doris: As we got out of the hospital and back to the real world of responsibilities again, we tried our best to keep walking out this new level of intimacy with God and with each other, giving each other grace and understanding as we walked through our grief. I felt strongly that I wanted another baby as soon as possible. Don tried to understand my need to have a baby in my arms again, so even though my pelvis had been injured so severely, and although we struggled to conceive with each child, God answered my desire, and I became pregnant in August, 8 months after the accident. In May, one year and four months after our accident, our precious Heidi was born! God miraculously restored our bodies and continued to do an amazing work of healing our sorrow. One verse that became so alive to us was Psalm 147:3 in the Amplified Bible. “He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds, curing their pains and sorrows.” We held on to that word “curing” and every time grief tried to overwhelm us we would cry out to God and exchange it for his healing and cure. His word is true!

As we look back on this experience we have a mixture of very deep feelings. We still miss Dustin and all the hopes of who he would have grown up to be. We remember the pain and disappointment. But we can also say it was a very special time – almost sacred – as God did so many deep long lasting things in our relationship with Him and each other. We are so glad that our God turns what the enemy means for evil into something beautiful for Him!

Don and Doris live in Paradise, PA and have been married 38 years. They have 3 married children, one child in heaven and 6 amazing grandchildren. Don serves as the Executive Pastor at Worship Center in Leola and Doris as pastor of ladies small groups and events. They are still crazy about each other and have a passion to help others experience that kind of spark in their marriages as well.

The photo on the right is of our precious Dustin.

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