Sex is the Glue

Kate says . . .

Its been said, “sex is the Glue in our marriage.”  I am not talking about the sticky situation that sex literally causes, but the emotional, physical and spiritual glue that sex is.  This phrase strikes a chord with many people and yet confuses them at the same time.  They want to believe it is true, but they have not experienced sex being the glue in their own marriage.

How can sex be the glue when it also seems to be the biggest tension?  I think that most people hope and pray that they will get to a place where sex is the glue in their marriage.  This is not to say that sex, sex and more sex is all you need in your marriage.  But it is one very special part of your marriage relationship that you cannot share with anyone else.  God has designed it that way, just for the growth, joy, pleasure and benefit of your marriage.

Our friend Scott  has an amazing blog, Journey to Surrender.  In a recent post “Does Surrender Mean Losing Yourself?”  Scott shared:

“The goal is for them both (husband and wife) to see sex as the glue that holds their marriage together for the long haul, as something that can energize them both as individuals, and for them to realize that sex is an arena where giving your body to your spouse for their pleasure is truly a delightful and unique privilege of married life.”

As we walk through life with our hubby by our side, we experience many things.  We go through times of joy and times of great sadness.  We have times of stress and times of flying high as a kite.  In all of these experiences sexual intimacy can be shared all while creating a bond like no other.

I think back to our story and remember how God used sex as a glue for Brad and I while we were caring for my uncle.  At night when all was quiet, I would fall into the arms of my hubby and we could connect in an amazingly special way.  When life is stressful at work for Brad (and he truly loves his job) he can come home and find a safe place to relax and unwind with me.  When something amazing happens in our lives, we can celebrate together in the sweetest, most inexpensive way!  Sex can truly be the glue if you allow it to.

How can you open up and allow for this glue to adhere to you both?

Make Yourself Available

Whether this means physically or emotionally or both, find a way to place yourself in the path of your hubby.  Sex will fall by the wayside if you do not intentionally make it a priority.  Remember also that many times while sex is the glue, your hubby may want to open up and share about the things going on in his life.  This could happen before you share intimate time together or after.  Sex is not a substitute for talking, sharing and processing.  Those things still need to happen, but sex molds us to one another and brings us to a safe place, where we can be vulnerable.  Where we can be emotionally naked and unashamed.

Make it A Stress Reliever and Celebratory Dance

I believe that God blessed us with sex in marriage for many amazing reasons.  Today we live in an over stimulated society.  Many times when we have stress or are even super excited about life, we tend to turn to other things to meet our needs.  Sex can meet those needs in a way that will bring growth to your one flesh journey.  Once sex becomes the glue for you, you will find that you want to turn to your hubby in these times.  That you look forward to falling into his strong arms.  Even in times of tremendous grief and sadness, sex can be a special blessing in those times.

Make it A Special privilege

All of us love to have special privileges.  To have a VIP pass to an event, to meet someone that is normally off limits to us normal people.  Sex is the VIP pass to all us who are married.  As Scott says it is a “unique privilege of married life.”  I am not sure how much we truly grasp this concept.  Sure we understand that we are not supposed to share sex with anyone other than our hubby.  But if you turn that around and look at sex as the gift God created just for you and your hubby.  If you acknowledge that God created sex, not only for procreation of children, but also for a connection, physically, emotionally and spiritually like no other.  No girl friend, not even the best can share with you in the way your hubby can.  Trying to wrap my brain around that is not easy, but I am constantly filled with joy and astonishment when I think through those lenses about what God has created in sexual intimacy.

How can you cultivate your relationship so that sex is the glue in your marriage?

What other ways have you been able to nurture your marriage with sex?

I would love to hear from other wives, your thoughts on “sex as the glue!”

Leave us a comment!

 

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25 Responses to Sex is the Glue

  1. I absolutely agree with this 100%! My husband & I have been married for 11 years & we’ve had a lot of those years that were up & down with our sex life. Health issues, no/or very little libido, the craziness of life, our children, financial strains & our jobs have impacted our sex life. 

    Now we are both to the point that we really work on not denying the other person which is sometimes a challenge!! Thanks so much for writing this! I feel like in this day & age, Christians, especially women tiptoe about the subject of sex & in a marriage, it’s a beautiful thing!

    • Hi Allyson!
      Thanks so much for sharing! There is so much, as you said that can knock us off course. Being dilligent in following God’s commands for marriage, is such a blessing, though many fear it! You are so right, it is a beautiful thing and it truly makes me sad that so many woman are missing out on that beauty! But there is great hope and healing in God’s plan for marriages. Sex and intimacy is a huge part of that hope! You are also right that Christian woman often shy away from these topics! Lets do all we can to help woman around us, talk about these things. Bring the potential darkness into the light! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  2. WOW! This is so true and it’s what we’ve been talking about and struggling with for years. We are all in this together. It is not new to any of us. I believe many of us, if not the majority of us, may struggle with this at some point in our marriage. We celebrate 20 years of marriage today! (November 16) And as I write this I wonder how I can put into words the importance of this “Sex being the Glue of your One Flesh Marriage.”

    For the last 6 years my husband has been trying to express himself, being very vulnerable with his needs for me to desire him, to know he’s still attractive to me, that I still desire him and need him physically. I have not been attending to those needs on a regular basis until the past year. Not on purpose, but for lack of understanding and trying to understand. So many days I’ve tended to the home, the kids, church, other people and he got the “leftovers”. I believe now that I’m beginning to understand the very importance of sex in our marriage and the importance of his need of my encouragement, ego boosts and regular affirmation that he is a hard worker, and that I appreciate all he does for our family and for me. He is truly “THE BEST!” He loves me, builds me up, tells me how beautiful I am, helps with the kids, (we have 4) and lays his life down for me. I thank God for bringing him into my life!

    We have had countless discussions (communication is the key) about sex in our marriage. We pray together asking God for guidance, wisdom and protection over our marriage. (Hint: Praying together before sex is very powerful!) We’ve discussed the very fact that we do not fight against flesh and blood but principalities of this dark age. Satan wants to do anything possible to separate us from each other. He knows the power we have together as husband and wife. What better way then to bring to our remembrance past sexual sin, (which by the way, we have been forgiven of if we’ve confessed it as sin and asked each other and God for forgiveness). We need to live in the freedom God has given us! Whom the Son sets free is free indeed! And what better way to live in that freedom, but to be sexually free in our marriage bed! Our marriage bed is sacred, it’s Holy, God ordained sex and pleasure for one another. We must lay down our lives for one another, serve one another and when we are engaged in the most Holy act or our marriage, we can experience a full awakening of what God wants for us. Complete and full intimacy: spirit, soul and body-together! TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

    Kristin and Greg
    MN

    • Hi Kristin!
      Thanks so much for sharing! This is truly amazing and I praise God for His blessings on your marriage! Happy 20th Anniversary! That is so amazing! We appreciate you sharing from your heart! Blessings to you and your hubby for the next 20 years! Kate

  3. My wife and I try to keep this in mind on a daily basis, though it’s so easy to let it slip away. We’ve been married for ~3.5 years now and started off on the right foot with our pre-marital counseling. While there we worked through “His Needs, Her Needs” and had it pointed out to us how important sex is (the physical aspect, communication, emotional) so we had a firm basis to start from.

    • Hi Matthew! Thanks so much for sharing! Good, in debth pre-marital counseling can be one of the biggest blessings! Though I fear many miss out on such! Helping young married or about to be married couples understand intimacy in marriage (in all areas), is something we should do more of! Perhaps you and your wife can impact those in your church! Blessings to you and your wife! Kate

  4. I agree 100%. I notice if we go several days even a week without connecting sexually I feel kind of lost or disconnected. We have had our share of issues, financial, low or no libido, the birth of 2 children all in our 4 years of marriage, but I can truly say that I feel we are in a great place right now. We have grown closer than I could have ever imagined in the last year and I am very thankful for your blog. Thank you and keep doing what you are doing. It is very refreshing to have someone that is willing to be open and honest and to share life with the world. 🙂

    • Hi Pelverde!
      Thanks for writing and sharing! You are so right, we go through so much in marriage and it is so easy to get lost in it all! So thankful that you and your spouse are in a great place on your one flesh journey! Thanks you also for your kind words and encouragement, it is greatly appreciated! Blessings to you and your spouse! Kate

  5. I think sex is the glue if it is knowingly used for connected-ness. Otherwise, it is easy to loose sight of its purpose. Then it becomes mundane and habitual…NO ENJOYMENT!

    • Hi IAAMM!
      Thanks for writing and sharing! I agree that if sex is not nurtured, it will become other things to both partners. If there is no enjoyment in sex, communication has broken down. Hurts and exspectations have been pushed deep down inside of us until we can’t even fathom expressing them all. Brad and I were in this place in our marriage for a time. It was not a good place! But marriage was designed to be like NO other relationship and it is the only relationship that God designed with an amazinly special aspect to it-sex! I believe if we can wrap our brains around that and embrace the gift God has given, we can better focus on that connection. Another important aspect is putting our spouses needs before our own. Thinking about them first where sex is concerned. When you stop thinking about yourself first in sex (as well as in life), it is my opinion that you then see blessings and closeness in your marriage. I hope that you find healing and enjoyment in your marriage and intimacy! God truly wants that for you! Blessings to you and your spouse! Kate

      • First of all I might want to tell you a little bit about my marriage. We have been married about 3.5 years, these have been very rocky years for both of us. I came to the marriage with a past of sexual molestion at the age of 13. Before we was married my hubby was all ready to go all the way after the wedding it was like a switch was turned off in him. We choice to wait till we was married even though I can say it very much was a struggle for me. What do you do when you are the sex-starved spouse and alot of times you are the one being turned down when you do try? Also if there is some severe health problems like a old back injury and possible depression what do you do in that case? Thank you so much for this site, God Bless you in this ministry!!

        • Hi Elizabeth! Thanks for writing and for sharing. Sex is such a gift and yet is a challenge in its own right for every married couple, I believe. It sounds as if you and your hubby have your share of hurdles to overcome. Brad and I are big advocates of counseling. Seeking a Christian counselor that can help you and your hubby talk though things of the past and the present to bring healing and understanding. It is not easy and many times feels like defeat for couples, but truly I see it as one of the bravest steps a couple can make. Sex and intimacy can still be the glue for a marriage, even with past hurts, physical injuries and depression. No, it won’t be easy, but intimacy and sex are yours to design and enjoy in marriage. With physical limitations, I would encourage a couple to explore and bring pleasure to one another in whatever way they can and pleases each other. Where depression is concerned, sex can be an incredible encourager. Setting aside time to enjoy each other can be so good for the mind, the body and the soul. Any one flesh connection with limitations can still work hard to keep sex as the glue. It does not need to look like societies version of sex and intimacy. With God’s help, it will be your one flesh version!

          I cannot imagine what it must feel like for you to be the sex-starved spouse. Hurt beyond words, I am sure. Don’t give up hope, God is with you and wants wonderful things for your marriage and intimacy. Keep seeking Him and looking for help in other ways. Please know that we are praying for you and your hubby! Email me if you would like to talk further kate@onefleshmarriage.com

          Blessings, Kate

  6. […] Sex is the Glue by Kate Aldrich at One Flesh Marriage.  ”Sex is the glue” is a phrase often used in Christian circles, to the point that I have grown weary of it at times (even though I agree completely with the statement).  All that being said, I don’t think I have ever seen someone peel back the layers on that phrase as effectively as Kate does in this post.  There are “a-ha” moments in this post that I have no doubt will resonate within your own marriage. […]

  7. One of the saddest moments of my life occurred when at a marriage seminar I went forward and my wife reluctantly followed. I prayed for God to help me be a better husband and she (a refuser) prayed we would not use sex as a crutch in our marriage. I wish she could read this post.

    • Hi John! I hear great pain in your words and what has happened in your marriage. I can only imagine how much that hurt and broken you felt after hearing that. Don’t lose hope, as God can heal any divide in a marriage. Keep seeking Him on the husband he wants you to be. I will pray for hope and healing in your marriage! Please know that you are not alone. Feel free to contact us at onefleshmarriage@gmail.com and if you would like to talk to Brad specifically, you can email him at brad@onefleshmarriage.com
      Blessings to you and your wife! Kate

  8. I know this is an older post, but I just now am reading it.
    I can’t tell you how many years of our marraige that I truly felt sex was the only good thing we had in our marraige. Praise God though we both have learned and moved on and up in our now very happy marraige. And now that we finally have a happy marraige there is even MORE sexual times! 🙂

    • Hi Cindy! Thanks for sharing this! I think it is awesome that sex was literally the glue for you for many years. I love to her stories of restoration and I thank you for sharing! I know that God will continue to bless you and your hubby as you seek Him on your one flesh journey! Blessings, Kate

  9. lol. This is so wrong in my opinion. GOD is the glue that holds a marriage together. Love is second , trust is third. If sex is the glue then let me get this straight…. I am an Iraqi vet. I have been married to my wife for 22 years. When I came home from war I had no legs and my manhood was gone. She is still with me today and we are in love more than ever. Sex has nothing to do with it. And any woman that would leave in my situation is nothing {edited by admin}.

    • Hi Jim,
      Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts and your story. I wanted to say first that we edited your comment, because we found your choice of wording to be offensive and hurtful. Wanted you to know that up front!

      Outside of that, you are right God is the glue-always! Yet he has created certain things in life to be apart of the Glue that He is! Sex in marriage is part of that glue. If sex in the traditional manor cannot happen in a marriage, then God will use the other areas of intimacy to make up for that loss. God’s plan is amazing and he will not fail us. Your story is a testament to that very fact!

      We talk alot about sex on our blog because it was a huge part of our healing story and because God has placed special focus on the intimacy he created in marriage. Yet we also talk about 3 other areas of intimacy along with sex. Those three are emotional, spiritual and intellectual. ALL of these areas need time, attention and nurturing in marriage!!! If you only give time and attention to sex, you are missing what God designed in marriage. You only have a piece of the puzzle! So while this post was about sex, it is not to deminish the other areas by any means.

      Also when someone losses their sight, studies have shown that their other 4 senses become more keen and they help to compensate for the one areas that is no longer able to function. I believe that if one area of the 4 intimacies can no longer function, then God uses the other 3 and hightens them to make up for that loss.

      There are also many ways of being sexual together, it is not dependant on a penis and vagina! Too many people rely on it being all about that and are missing God’s amazing plan.

      I really do appreciate you sharing your story and for the sacrafice you have given for me to have freedom. I do not take that lightly. I am very thankful for both you and your amazing wife! Blessings to you and your wife as you seek God in your lives and marriage! He is so good and faithful! Kate

  10. Ok, usually the lack of sex is due to bad communication. My following views are advice for husbands with wives that are reluctant or shy NOT refusing. Wives believe me YOU HAVE A SEX DRIVE you are NOT sexually inferior !!! Potentially a raging I want it a few times a day/ left my husband all sweaty type drive. Anyhow I am going to be honest, men when you are forcing, whining, complaining, being nasty to get sex (when you haven’t had it in like a few days)we can kind of smell / sense it and it is OFF PUTTING it makes you really unsexy. Usually a marriage starts off like this when a man has only (or put at the top of his priority) marriage so he can have legitimate sex is very likely to have bad sexual issues. There of course is no hard and fast rule but amongst my Girls we have reached a sharp consensus. They are different ages and cultures.

    1) respect your wife, as in assign her a very high value that’s sexual, spiritual and mental. Not just the boring oh you look nice naked *bored*

    2) Tell your wife EXACTLY why you want her to desire you and how you’re begging for her affirmation. A truly masculine man comes out when his wife is allowed to express herself without fear or shame, say this is when you are both truly vulnerable. Why not try asking her what she would like her to do to you. Beware your likely to be in for a shock.

    3) Let her take the lead, let her pick the position etc ,etc. Ask her about her fantasies, i.e. the not allowed pre-marital stuff , she is likely to have a few hundred previously not allowed ideas.

    4) variety – have you though about somewhere other than a bed, that gets boring : ( , have you tried different times of the day etc

    5) she might be visual, shock horror that means make sure you are sexy to your wife. Cut you hair, wash, show off in front of her, keep healthy she wants to look at something nice.

    6) Pray with her, while your praying tell her things that no one else knows. You might have you clothes torn off ;p

    7) take responsibility of your home i.e. cleaning ,helping, actively touching and engaging with your child ( if you have one) she should encourage this not nag, maybe by showing you what mental difference it has to your kids. A paternal man is VERY VERY SEXY !!! This is the height of masculinity, again can’t guarantee that your wife will not be pulling at your pants and have you flat on your back.

    Really all of these pointers is about you wanting your wife to be the BEST that God wanted her to be. Women view sex and engagement differently as we use several parts of our brain at once during arousal. A woman is unlike an animal she doesn’t want to be trapped and had. She wants to explore, know your DEEP emotional desires and express herself passionately.

    Hope this helps

  11. My is going through Menopause and has hot flashes. Also having sex is too uncomfortable due to dryness and too warm in side. This current round has been three months. How do I do I control my self so I do not appear selfish?

  12. As a husband in desperation to restore intimacy in his marriage, these articles always hit the nail on the head. The problem is that I cannot get my wife to see the importance of sexual intimacy (or the destruction of a lack of sexual intimacy). This is a constant issue that tears us apart. When she regularly refuses me it puts me into a state of pain/sadness and then she gets angry at me for it and has no understanding now matter how much I try to talk about it. And no matter how much I pray and try to stop it from happening, this leads to me pulling away, resentment to build and my own struggles with temptation. It seems to be a never ending cycle and I am desperate for help. Does anyone have any recommendations?

  13. […] I was finally on my way to re-claim my Sexy……  AND you can be on your way, too, beautiful friends! My prayers are with you radiant readers, that your marriage can be a beacon for your children and others to see Christ shining through. If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome!  Please see why sex is my focus, peruse the archives and don’t forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7). I agree with One Flesh Marriage that Sex is the Glue. […]