Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change- 2011 Countdown

We hope that all of you are having a blessed Christmas season!  In order to help us focus our time on our marriage and family we have decided to end the year with a recap of our top 10 favorite posts of 2011.  If you didn’t see them the first time around this will be a great way to catch up on some of our older posts!  Check back every day to find out which ones made our list!  And don’t worry we’ll be back first thing in 2012 with brand new One Flesh Marriage tips!

Brad says… (Originally posted July 30, 2011)

“Please Honey, please can’t we just have sex tonight?” When I talked about the “Oliver Man Method” in my post, “Sex: The art of Asking for More” I admit that I was thinking about husbands who are maybe sexually thirsty. I did not have in mind the couples that Kate was speaking to in her series, “We Haven’t Had Sex in Over a Year”. Reading these posts my heart went out to these couples, especially these husbands who are living in a marriage that is in a sexual drought. This level of sexual dehydration puts the perspective of begging for more in a different light. I think we can all understand the man who begs when his wife has refused him for a month or more. The question though becomes, is this the right approach?

One brave man commented, “I am ALWAYS initiating, and usually getting shot down. Then on the off-chance she says yes… I feel like crap after we are done.” I remember this feeling. While our marriage never dropped to the level of a sexual drought, I can say that there were times we were in a sexual dry spell. In those times I recognized that my asking, pleading and begging even if it resulted in us having sex, as it often did, did not lead to my feeling filled. I too would leave those times of intimacy and feel worse, frustrated and alone. Why?

Finding Thirst

When Kate and I were first married sex was great. It was new, fun, and frequent! Over the first year of our marriage things began to change for many reasons. I had brought some unhealthy habits into our marriage that started to crumble our foundations. While those are key to understanding our transition from broken to beauty, I will be blogging more on that later. As a result of some of those habits I did not approach sex, or asking for sex in a healthy way. I used to use locker room methods to tell Kate I wanted sex, and then when she didn’t get the hint, I would go silent. I would just wait for her to initiate. I was sexually thirsty but I didn’t know how to fix the problem so I did the logical thing, blame Kate for the problem.

Begging for a Drink

Whenever Kate and I would argue, I would use my sexual thirst as ammo. I would blame Kate for the problem, and beg for a solution. Why did I do this? Simple, it worked. Kate knew it was a problem too, and felt badly that we were not as sexually connected as either of us wanted to be. My tossing it out in every fight distracted her from any of my issues, and allowed me not to take any responsibility for change. In essence, I was saying, “If you would give me more sex then everything in our marriage would be fine”. I kept asking Kate to fill my immediate need, to quench my sexual thirst, to give me sexual release. My awesome wife would hear this plea, and respond, for a time we would go back to having more regular sex.

Empty Cup

Unfortunately, as is often the case the true need I was feeling was not just sexual release; it was the desire for connection. God didn’t just create us with a need for sexual release. He created us differently then the animals, which follow “nature’s call” for mating. God called us to “become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) which is something entirely different. I believe in these three words he has given us a glimpse, a flavor of the type of relationship he has in the trinity. I’m not going to get too theological here, only to say that relationship is important to God, and that is how he created us to be. When we have sexual release in the absence of building relationship, our spirit knows that something is missing. For while we are thirsty for sexual release what we are really looking for is connection through sexual oneness.

Guys, you will not be able to beg your way to sexual oneness. You will not be able to guilt your way to sexual oneness. You will not be able to argue your way to sexual oneness. But this is exactly what we are trying to do when we beg, guilt, or argue about wanting more sex. Instead of asking your wife to give you a drink of water, you need to ask her to help you dig a well.

Digging a Well

Husbands, if you are living in a sexual drought and are regularly arguing about sex, or if you have resorted to regularly begging for sex then you need to rethink what you are actually asking for. Stop asking and begging for a drink when you really desire to find the well of sexual fulfillment. Beg for change, don’t beg for sex.

  • Begging for change says “WE” are important
  • Begging for sex says I need release
  • Begging for change says I need “US” to get better
  • Begging for sex says I need you to change.

Guys, your wife is conditioned to hearing your begging and arguing for more sex as saying, “I need sexual release”. How do you think that makes her feel? Unloved, unimportant, and used. Are those words that you want your wife to associate with sex? When you beg for change you are telling your wife that there is something more important than sex: HER. You need to communicate very clearly that your desire is not for sexual release, it is a desire to improve your whole relationship, and that includes the sexual part!

Is sexual release an important part? Yes, of course it is, but unless it is part of a larger healing, all it will be is release that is temporary and often unfulfilling. Change your tone; start begging for change not just sexual release.

To find out more about what change looks like, check out the next post in this series, Ending Sexual Drought.

Check out all of our  2011 Countdown posts here… and check back tomorrow for the next in the series!

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7 Responses to Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change- 2011 Countdown

  1. so what can you do when you have been ‘begging’ or ‘arguing’ for change… and continue to be dismissed…
    I have tried to communicate that it is not about the physical act, but the need to be connected to HER… it is becoming hard the continue to even want to keep this marriage up… it seems more a duty of the vows than any kind of relationship (even a bad one).

    • Terry,
      I apologize that I didn’t see your comment before now…

      It sounds like there is an enormous amount of pain in your story. It is impossible to give you much advice without asking a ton more questions. However, if you have tried to communicate your needs and they have not been met, I suggest you try the opposite approach next. Try to listen to her needs and see if you can meet them.
      Please feel free to contact me if you have other questions, I would love to see if we could help point you in the direction of restoring hope to your marriage.

      • Brad,
        thanks for the advice. I took that and spent the last 5 weeks listening and working to meet needs, do things she would normally have done… trying to create some ‘down time’… needless to say, we have not had sex in those 5 weeks… and it truly is not about the sex, but about connection… and it is everything to me… in those weeks, we have barely even touched (hugged, even bumped into each other). I am feeling so hurt that i am beginning to become angry and possibly even bitter… and I hate that. The last conversation ended with her dismissing my requests to talk about changing our marriage life… her excuse was that i was just in a ‘funk’ or ‘mood’… i find myself thinking things i never thought I would ever think… some seem more possible while others don’t.
        My big problem is that as a pastor, this is beginning to strongly affect my ministry to my church. It seems so much harder to love others, especially when they irritate me…
        desperately need help!!!

        • Terry,
          I’m sorry to hear that the changes you were hoping and praying for were not forth coming. I would be happy to talk to you further! I feel extremely passionate about making sure that we are serving those who have given their lives to leading and serving the church. Please Email Me, I would love to talk and see if there is any way I / we can help.

  2. Terry, I feel your pain brother and will pray for you. Having said that…

    Sexual drought? I reckon my wife and I win that award. We have been married for just under 6 years and we haven’t had sex in over 5 years. We aren’t sleeping in the same bed now and haven’t done for a little under 2 years.

    Predictably, this has taken a toll on our marriage, with the end point being all communication breaking down between us. We weren’t friends, let alone lovers – we were housemates. I considered a divorce (but the idea sickened me) and my wife decided that’s what she wanted.

    We are receiving marriage counselling from a Christian marriage counsellor, but I pray that for anyone else caught in a drought that they do something about it before their relationship reaches a crisis point as it did for us.

    • Anonymous,
      I’m glad that you are getting help! I can’t imagine the hurt and pain that have accumulated over the 6 years of separation from each other. I hope that you are able to uncover the roots of the problem! Lack of sexual intimacy is rarely the only issue, especially if it has lasted a long time like you indicated. I pray you are able to find healing!

  3. Our sex life has been horrible. We’re going through marital issues- communication, trust, finance, etc – for more than 2 yrs now and counting. Iv given up on our marriage because he never admits anything is wrong, much less talk about it. I need your help cos I think I’m finding some sort of relief watching porn these days..