Sexual Assertiveness Training

Brad says…

Guys, is sexual passivity robbing you of great one flesh bonding with your wife? I know that the male stereotype is that they are always asking for sex, and usually the word passive never enters into that image. However, I have a theory that many husbands actually repress their sexual desires for such a long time that they miss opportunities with their wife. In order to actually grow a healthy, connecting, loving, developing sex life in our marriage we need to learn how to turn our sexual repression into sexual uninhibitedness. Let me be clear, this post is not for husbands who are struggling with a sexless marriage, or are married to a wife with low libido issues. In order to change sexually passivity in your marriage you must have a wife who is sexually receptive, who is also happy to take your sex life to the next level.

Breeding Passivity

In order to understand what to change, we first need to understand the problem. As teens and young adults with raging hormones all men learned (some slower than others) that it was not very productive  or healthy to think about sex constantly. These were the first times that we learned to push sexual thoughts from our minds. This was a healthy activity, one of taking impure thoughts captive and learning to focus elsewhere. As in many things, sometimes health can become unhealthy.

Passivity in Marriage

Once married it is easy to take the same skill, the pushing away of sexual thoughts, and adapt it to married life. It is positive still in taking captive impure thoughts, but now for the first time in our lives we have pure sexual thoughts. This is a brand new concept. For all of our lives sex and purity were always negatively associated. Pretty girl = thoughts and can = sin.  So we try to learn to repress our sexual nature. Once married you can actually have very pure sexual thoughts about your wife. And yet, do you? I think most guys are stuck in the same old patterns, sexual thoughts come up and we push them away. Maybe we are at work, and we tell ourselves to refocus.  Maybe we are at home and we think about romancing our wife, but she’s tired, or the TV is on, or maybe we will think “after I get _____ done”. At the same time we allow the sexual thought and the desire to pass.

Passivity in Rejection

Complicating this natural tendency is the very real negative reinforcement that rejection can add.  Many marriages go through periods where one person’s sexual desire out paces the other’s. This leads to times when we have to learn to push back our sexual desires. This dynamic can be amplified if there has been sexual issues, as so often happens as the two are learning how to be a one flesh connection. When a husband fears that his sexual advances will be rejected a majority of times, he eventually starts asking less.  This doesn’t mean that the sexual desires have decreased it just means that he has learned how to push them down and look only for the times when his wife is “most receptive”. A strange thing happens when a marriage has gone through a period where sexual rejection happens, but has moved into a healthier more sexually active place.  The husband can still fear the rejection that used to happen. There can still be the tendency, for years after, to wait till you see signs of receptivity on your wife before you are willing to initiate.  Even when she has told you, and shown to you that she is much more sexually healthy then in years past.  As I said in the beginning of this post, if this is still going on in your marriage, this post isn’t necessarily for you.

Sexual Assertiveness Training

Don’t get me wrong, I think that we need to be extremely sensitive to our wife’s moods at all times! But this doesn’t mean that we simply have to ignore our healthy sexual desires.  In order to combat a lifetime of sexual passivity we need to take healthy steps toward sexual assertiveness.  Please be clear, this is not  sexual aggressiveness or even insistence on sex.  This is simply retraining our brains and our bodies to register our sexual desires and then turn them into healthy actions towards our wives.

Boot Camp

Sexual Assertiveness Training has three easy steps, just remember the SAT’s!

Say

Acknowledge it. Recognize that the thought that just went dashing through your brain was a health sexual thought about your wife.  Say it to yourself.  “I would like to have sex with my wife” feel free to fill in the blank with your own specifics.  Don’t allow it to escape no matter what is going on.  Capture the thought and then move to step 2.

Approach

This is the hard one for most men who have learned sexual passivity well.  You must take the initiative to approach your wife with your sexual thought.  One of the traps that sexual passivity teaches us is that unless we are prepared at that moment, we shouldn’t mention it.  Sexual Assertiveness teaches the exact opposite!  If you are at work send her a suggestive text message.  If you are home but the kids are still up a quick whisper in her ear could set the right mood!  The ball is in your court guys,  you will only be cheating yourself out of an opportunity if your keep your mouth shut. Find ways to turn the thought into words and prepare for what happens next.

Talk

As your passivity melts away, your wife will notice!  You will want to have even more discussions about your growing sex life. Make sure to talk about what approaches work for her and what do not.  Tell her the thoughts you have been putting out of your mind for years and see what her reaction is.  You might be pleasantly surprised when she says things like “Why didn’t you tell me about that?” or “I would love to have a quickie in the morning sometimes”  Keep talking and you just never know how your sex life will grow!

Have you been able to overcome a past of sexual passivity?  I would love to hear you grew!  Let us know in the comments! 

21 Responses to Sexual Assertiveness Training

  1. This is something that I could use some work in, guess I’ll have to put those SAT’s to use. Most commonly are times when it’s not possible or convenient to act – when one of us is at work, or the other is asleep, or something. I can still take a step in the right direction, though.

    • Matthew,
      This is something that has taken me a long time to learn, and something I’m honestly still growing in. I think that most guys don’t want to take leading action too far ahead of the event because of the effect it has on them; Increasing their own sexual thoughts. However if we claim those as “pure” sexual thoughts and not sinful I think that most of us would feel willing to move things in that direction!

  2. I think its so great to acknowledge this issue. As Christians, we struggle so much to be pure but then sometimes need to turn the heat back up in the bedroom. I’m totally sending this link to my husband! 😉

    • Christen,
      Thanks for the encouragement, and your words of wisdom! I think that it often takes a wife spicifically telling her husband that she would like him to be more sexually assertive before he will be willing to remove this shell, regardless of how it was created. However this need is amplified if rejection has been part of the dnymic!
      Thanks for your comment! I hope your husband enjoys the post and the encouragement. Something tells me he will! 😉

  3. This is a beautiful summary in a very non-specific way. And it’s right on with what many Christian men experience.

    I view your suggestions as encouragement being more openly honest about our feelings, and sharing that honesty with our wife. I’ve specifically used the texting idea and like the basic concept of somehow contacting her whenever you have a sexual urge or inclination. Sometimes this “approach” can be just a light innuendo hint.

    I’ve written similar thoughts and some more specific ideas about applying this mindset in a few posts on my blog:

    Intimacy and Leadership

    Effects on Intimacy

    Advice for Troubled Marriages

  4. I discussed S.A.T. with my wife yesterday after reading this article, and after a day of thinking about it, I still feel a little lost. You see, this article is (I think) aimed at men who saved themselves for marriage. But what about those men who struggle with sexual sin?

    I am in a second marriage, and I didn’t “save myself” for marriage either time. In fact, my struggle with pornography nearly destroyed my current marriage, and in order to rebuild the marriage and rebuild trust, I had to suppress my sexual desire nearly completely for a while because my wife was completely disgusted with me every time she saw me and wanted no part of me sexually.

    Fast forward to today, and things are MUCH better between us, but now what do I do? Have I ruined my chances at being sexually assertive and confident by having a struggle with sexual sin? I have read a lot of resources on healthy Christian sexuality, but none are helping, because the ALL seem to be aimed at people who “saved themselves for marriage” … which is not me.

    I remember one basketball game my high school team played when I was 15. I messed up a couple of plays while on court in the first half, so the coach would not let me back in the game after that because he said I blew my chance. That’s what I wonder about sex at times. Like the message I should be taking from articles like this is “oh this article is for the others … it does not apply to you because you blew your chance. You are done. Just keep suppressing, and deal.”

    • Andrew, I struggled with porn as well. That along with an infidelity almost ended my relationship with my wife. Unfortunately, “porn” is a topic that is rarely addressed in church it seems. However, it is out there and we need to armor up against it. I didn’t save myself for marriage either and I understand where you are coming from. I wish that I did save myself for marriage now that I know what it could’ve potentially meant for my marriage now. If my wife saved herself too that would be an incredible start to marriage and I pray that happens for my children now.
      What gave me a jump start to mending my marriage was counseling. My wife needed to see that I was serious about fixing our marriage and seriously trying to do better. Her trust in me did not happen overnight. I still struggle with doing the right thing (as we all do) but God’s love saved me from my sin. My wife’s forgiveness extended to me showed me God’s love in a way I’ve never experienced before in my life. She gave me love and forgave me even as a wretched man who didn’t deserve her forgiveness at all after how I hurt her. I needed to know God’s love and she showed me.
      I know it wasn’t easy for her to do that; it’s incredible that she did. If you and your lady are committed to mending what’s been broken and damaged in your relationship, you will. Pray to God for help. Ask others to pray for you too. One of the most humbling and humiliating things I felt I needed to do was to tell my family of my infidelity and porn addiction. I told my mom, brother, and sister. That was another key part to the healing God did in me.
      One big thing that I learned from the whole ordeal (which was painful, but needed for healing) was that I BLEW IT! BUT God can take those moments where you totally BLOW it and make it something beautiful. I KNOW my marriage is stronger now than it ever was. God’s love woke me up from the slumber all my sinful compromises had lead me into. God’s love through my wife. It’s like a blinding darkness has been lifted from my eyes, spirit, and my life. Everyday I get to see more and more how amazing my wife is and how great my children are and how my selfishness blinded me to my relationships with them. I get to truly appreciate and love on my family now that I’m past that dark part in my life.
      I used to be so ANGRY all the time when I was living in sin. Nothing seemed to go right in my life. My thoughts were out of control and I knew I wasn’t who I was supposed to be. It was as if I was living in a dream and watching myself living from the backseat and not actually living myself. I truly believe unexplicable anger is a symptom of sin in a man’s life; for me it was pornography.
      When I confessed to my wife the sins I had chosen to let into our marriage and she forgave me, we began to heal. You both have to be on board. If the timing is not right, pray. Pray for your marriage. Wives having husbands and children having fathers in healthy relationships is so important. It isn’t too late! As long as you have breath in your lungs, it isn’t too late. Believe that God can do incredible things; he did for my marriage.

      Adam

      • Adam, I left some comments below under Andrew’s comment! This is Kate! Brad will share his thoughts soon! Thanks you for being so open, honest and transparent! Praying for you and your wife! Blessings, Kate

    • Andrew and Adam, Thanks so much for writing and sharing. This is Kate, I wanted to respond as a wife. Brad will add his own thoughts soon! I admire you both for being willing to share from the very real and raw places in your marriage or where your marriage has been. Our story is not all that different from both of yours in many ways. While we saved oursevles and were virgins when we married, porn entered our marriage and threatened to undo it completely. You are so right, Adam, it is NOT talked about enough in the church and we all need to change that.

      Aside from that, as a wife, it was a hard reality to deal with, but I love my husband and did not want our marriage to be over. I did not see him as disgusting as many seem to portray, I saw him as deeply broken and wanting to be loved. I had a choice to make, love him for who God created him to be or not. Love him with his flaws and sins or walk away. This is not to say that recovery was not hard at times, but I truly loved him and wanted our life together to be God’s journey. As we have said many times, we both surrendered our muck of selfishness to God and he began to heal and grow our One Flesh union. He made beauty out of our ashes.

      Andrew you asked if you have ruined your chances for sexual assertiveness. I am sure Brad will share from his heart, but as a wife who has been where your wife is in many ways. I would say, that in the beginning you do need to treed lightly. Letting her take the lead for awhile can be a part of the healing process. But it is neither healtly nor God’s design for you to stay in that place for long. Talk to your wife about it, share with her your heart for wanting to be assertive and share your desire for her. Share that you are concerned and want to take things at her pace, but also don’t want to miss these times. Brad and I talking about these subjects has helped us tremendously. It will take time and going slow, but as a wife, I think the goal is to get you both to the point where you share your desires with each other. Don’t give up!

      I was thinking about what you said Andrew about these kinds of post being only for those who have “saved themselves”. I totally hear you on that and can see where it must feel that way. You will have different dynamics and issues to deal with in your marriage and intimacy, but we all do. Even if you have kept yourself pure in all things, marriage and sex is still going to be a challenge at times. You may not have repressed these feelings and thoughts prior to marriage, but that dynamic still remains. Simply because you look back and wish you had saved yourself. I believe that is how God has designed us to be, if that makes sense. We just learn to turn that off in our brain and heart.

      Andrew, you have not blown your chance, it is not done and you should not just supress your feelings and desire and deal! While Adam is right, that admitting you blew it, is so vital to healing, God is the God of second chances and he wants to heal your marriage in ways you never thought possible! I agree with Adam, in that my marriage with Brad is stronger now, after all this muck, then it has ever been. I never thought I would say this, but I would walk through this “awfulness” again, to get to where we are troday. Truly! Because it is only through this brokenness that God was able to bring us to a beautiful place in His One Flesh journey for us!!

      Share your heart with your wife. Your understanding of how you have messed up. Your desire to serve her and have the kind of marriage in Ephesians 5! Love her in the ways God talks about. Brad and I are also big encouragers of counseling (Thanks for sharing this Adam)! Having a third party to help you talk and work through these issues is so vital. We also strongly encourage a Christian counselor that is an encourager of marriage. Sad to think there are those that aren’t, but there are.

      Ok, so I feel as though I rambled a bit and my thoughts were all over the place. Sorry for that, early morning with my kiddos! 🙂 But both of your stories touched my heart. And while I know that every post of ours is not going to fit and work for every person, I wanted you to know Andrew, that God can work in your heart through this post too, even if you did not save yourself for marriage. You are NOT a lost cause and you did NOT blow your only chance! God is the God of second chances, however many we need. He has a desire to bring beauty out of your ashes. He wants to heal your marriage. I have great hope in His plan and I will be praying for you and your wife! Please know, that you are never a “does not apply to me” here at OFM! Every marriage is unique! We have been through junk and are a living testament. Be on the lookout soon, as we dive further into these issues.

      Blessings to you Andrew and Adam and your wives! We are constantly in His Grip! Kate

      • Hi Kate,
        Thank you for your very thoughtful response. I appreciate it, and I guess I needed to be reminded that God is a God of second chances. I guess its too easy for me to think that God’s love is for every other christian, not me.

        The whole porn issue came out for us in 2006, and after that we spent a year going to a christian marriage counselor, and I spent four years in a sexual addiction support group at our church. But even though I am so far into the healing process, I still feel shame in regards to sex, even healthy sex, so it remains very difficult to discuss anything sexual with my wife. That’s really what my frustration is. And I really don’t know how to get beyond that.

        Thank you for listening and your encouragement … I do appreciate it. And let me just say before I go, your site rocks!! Thank you and Brad for your very valuable ministry.

        • Hi Again Andrew!

          I hear ya friend! There are times in my life, that I have wondered why God would love someone like me. Brad too! But thats the best part, we don’t deserve it, but he loves us just the same. Hard to take that in and let it sink in sometimes.

          Good for you and your wife taking those amazing steps in recovery. Those are not easy steps, but very good ones. I know that shame is so real and also so debilitating. While we have to understand there are consequences to our sin, we also need to be careful not to get stuck in Satan’s trap. So you are not turning to porn anymore, but you are stuck mentally, hating yourself for the things you did-that my friend makes Satan very happy! I am not saying that you should ever forget where you have been, what God has brought you up out of. While it is extremely hard, you must try to keep your eyes forward. I know this was very hard for Brad at times. Keep laying that shame at Jesus’ feet! Everytime you take the shame upon yourself, lay it back down. You might find yourself doing this 100 times a day, but just keep laying it down again.

          I think the other thing I would say is to assess where you wife is at . . . how is she feeling about everything? Has she been able to move on in a healthy way? Does she want you to become more accertive in your sex life and marriage in general. Talk to her about it. I know it is extremely hard and uncomfortable. We have been there too. But start out by expressing how much you appreciate her faithfulness through all of this. How much you want to be the husband God asks of you. Share your emotional thoughts, share how much you adore and love her. Be honest and share from your heart. Tell her you have wanted to talk to her about this for sometime, but have not felt like you have the right because of your past sin. Share with her your heart! You need to try so that this part of your one flesh journey can heal.

          These are certainly not east things, Andrew. My heart goes out to you and your wife. But you need to remember that you are still God’s creation, He has plans for you, has forgiven you, completely! Has your wife been able to forgive you? Brad always expresses that a huge part of his healing process came from knowing that I still love him and forgave him. That does not mean that the hurt doesn’t resurface at times, but as a whole, I forgive him and think he is an amazing man of God. That even though we went through some really awful times, I would go through it all again to be where we are today. Sounds crazy I know, but it is through those ashes, that God has made us into a beautiful one flesh connection. You need to find out where you wife is at? So that you can move forward in the appropriate way. If she is still struggling, then perhaps couples counseling!

          We will be praying for you and we are always here if you need to chat. You can email us or comment anytime. Blessings to you and your wife. Praying that God will give you the courage and strength to talk with your wife and that you both will be open to His plan and healing! Kate

  5. I just recently came across this site. It looks like a good site. (I have bookmarked it too) I think I really need about years worth of boot camp training for SAT. My wife and I have been married for 34 years. As our marriage went on, I found myself asking for new things in the bedroom due to boredom. Although the things I was asking about were not immoral or illegal, they were outside of her comfort zone. I failed to see this at the time. I began to feel shamed and perverted for asking about things like oral sex and toys. It began to shut my desire for sex and lost my self esteem. After all, why would she want to be married to a pervert like me? I have learned to ask for nothing in regards to sex. I love to satisfy her, most of the time orally. I feel free great when I can bring her to orgasm but I feel strange when she tries to pleasure me. She has tried to return the pleasure for me but I cant just seem to get the past out of my head. Those episodes of rejection come back like flashbacks of the war. Imagine this; she is trying to do those I had asked about before and I have difficulty getting pleasure from it. The past haunts me. If it was bad in her eyes before, why is it not now? I messed up bad. I am seeing a therapist about this too.

    • eammon,
      Thank you so much for writing! I hear your pain! when there has been rejection in your past it can feel as if it is a personal rejection. Remember however that usually when a wife said “no” to trying something new sexually she isn’t saying that she doesn’t like you, or that she doesn’t want to be sexual with you, she is simply saying that she isn’t open to that way (at this time). As you have descovered in your marriage, our sexual exlploration and willingness changes with time, and what she wasn’t sure about previously she now finds positive! I would start with abundence of the T in SAT – Talk! I’m thrilled that you have been willing to see a therapist to discuss this issue, but bring your wife along. Make sure to talk to her about your concerns. Confide in her what your feelngs were back when there was rejection, but then carefully listen to her reasons for the change in attitude. I will bet that you will find she has grown in her comfort, as you allowed her time with out pressure! The words in your head like “pervert” are just that words that are keeping you apart! It doesn’t sound like your wife is saying them, so I would challenge you to get rid of them! Keep working and keep talking! I’d be happy to talk to you more about this if you have other questions, feel free to email me at brad(at)onefleshmarriage.com
      God bless,
      Brad

  6. I know I’m late, but I wanted to chime in here and say that, as a single 34-year-old Christian guy, there are things that ring home for me here.

    With Christ proclaiming that even thinking about sex is wrong, the Gospel practically demands us to be asexual until we’re married. I think of it as your father buying you a new car for an early birthday. It’s a great gift, but you’re not allowed to use it until you’re licensed to several years later. In the meanwhile, the car just sits there in the garage gathering dust. Then the day where you get licensed to use it finally arrives, and you’re all excited to take the car for a spin. But after all that time, do you think the car is gonna go from zero to sixty, or even start, without any problems?

    I felt like God was urging me to search for a mate almost four years ago, but I’ve had no success. In the meanwhile, I log onto Facebook and see former classmates, most of whom aren’t believers and wouldn’t give God a moment’s thought, having happy lives, presumably in and out of the sack. (No pun intended.) It got to the point where I recently asked Him to just take away the sex drive that He gave me. And you know what? I think He listened, because I’m darn near close to being asexual. I’d like to think that He may be “preserving” it for a potential wife, but in the meanwhile, I can hardly call the sex drive a “gift”.

  7. Thank you for a great article.
    Two days using these suggestions and already there is a positive response from my wife.
    I think she actually enjoys the messages at work and comes home far more interested in Sex.
    Great Site, thank you for the article, can’t wait to read the rest!!!

  8. Do you think it is possible to have a husband who is passive sexually because he compartmentalized his sexuality? My hubby was not saved before we wed and looked at porn sometimes and watches movies TV shows and youtube.videos with sexual overtones and content. He also had former girlfriends. He seems to have sexual adventureness and it sometimes comes up in his flirting and what I see him react to. But when.it comes to.our bedroom it is pretty vanilla and he claims he doesn’t like certain things. I ask him every few months if he wants to try something new and he. always says no. I tell him he can have it his way at. least every other week. But he is content with the usual. Why does it seem Hollywood gets his adventure and I get his leftovers? Guilt?

    • Libl,
      The assertiveness I was talking about was less about “type” or “style” in the bedroom and more about how to ask and show interest in sexual intimacy. You might find some ideas about different sexual styles and how to incorportate them into your bedroom in my post, The Story of Zing 1 & Zing 2.

  9. Very interesting article. I’m going to try these out but I’m hoping my wife will go along with it. I’m not sure where my wife fits as far as profile. I know she doesn’t have low libido (at least I don’t think she does), and my marriage isn’t sexless. I just wish the frequency was a bit more. To make it short and not make my wife look bad, she’s a stay at home Mom but she’s always attached to an electronic device be it her computer, or tablet and sometimes phone. She’s always playing online video games that I have to pay monthly for (I do play them with her, but not nearly to the extent that she does), and when she’s not doing that, she’s playing games on her tablet. Her tablet literally is the first thing she touches in the morning, and the last thing she looks at before bed.

    I can’t remember the last time I had a genuine good night kiss from her or a loving good morning from her because she’s always attached to those things. But, she’s a stay at home Mom. I was once told that a Stay At Home Mom is not a maid, not a short order cook, and not a housekeeper, but a MOM who takes care of her KIDS (she told me this).

    Before I drift off the point, sex is a huge thing for me when it comes to feeling connected to my partner; especially from an emotional standpoint. I’ve learned to be very passive in our relationship because she has walked out in the middle of sex with me when I’ve asked her to do something of if she’d like something. It doesn’t help that her natural response to everything is anger but she always feels like she’s being attacked. I guess thats because she’s been overweight her entire life and feels like everyone is making fun of her.

    Her weight doesn’t bother me. In fact I happen to like women who are on the bigger side. But as always with her, my opinion doesn’t matter and it never changes anything. I can tell her how attractive I find her and awesome she is… I’ve went out of my way to try to make her feel beautiful but her self opinion always overrides mine.

    So after being walked out on in the middle of sex, yelled at for initiating because she would rather play with her tablet than be intimate with me (I try to initiate, and after 5-10 minutes of me stroking and trying to get her attention I hear “OK! FINE! I’ll stop reading!”.. of course I don’t feel like doing it after that), and worst of all being told by her to be more assertive only to be shot down all the time, I’ve become extremely passive and would rather have her initiate than me. Its even affecting performance in bed now where I’ll literally just lay there and let her take the lead (and I get complained at for that too “you need to show me what YOU want” however, what I want are things she doesn’t want to do, or they’ll make sex take too long and I’ll be told “we’re just having sex, we’re not re-enacting a porn scene” or, as I was told a week ago “sex takes too long, my hips hurt and my vagina is rubbed raw, but you’re still there feeling pleasure”).

    I would really like to improve things but I don’t know what I can do or what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to navigate all of my wifes sexual preferences without feeling all this pressure on myself. I would like to be less passive and more assertive. But I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle against a technology addict. I think thats the biggest part that gets in the way; whats perceived by me as an addiction to her computer and all her technology around her. Anyway…. I guess I said too much, but any advice you can give me would be awesome. I’ve basically resorted to guilting her into having sex with me if she doesn’t initiate after a week or so.

  10. I think it would be helpful to hear some advice about pursuing one’s wife sexually. So much of the talk about rejection in the sexual relationship between husband and wife is seen from the man’s perspective. He’s feeling rejected because of her low libido. He has so much sexual desire but she doesn’t. This is not the case in my marriage. My wife definitely has more sexual drive than I do. I think sometimes the problem is not the wife’s low libido, tiredness, etc. The problem is that when they’re having sex, he’s getting what he wants and she’s left hanging because afterward, he just falls asleep with no intention of pleasuring her in a way that’s meaningful for her. No wonder she’s not interested in sex! It’s all about him! The rejection I feel as a husband is my own fault, not hers. I’ve made the entire sexual experience about me not her and not us. Husbands need to get off their sorry duffs and ask their wives what they REALLY want sexually. Be prepared to listen and remember and write it down (if necessary; she won’t think that’s weird. Trust me. 🙂 and then do it! And ask. Again. And again. You might be surprised what she’ll tell you. It may be something that isn’t especially wonderful for you but hey, think about all she has given to you and pleasured you and how little she may be receiving back. She will be happy and pleased if you just do something she likes. There is a lot of talk about the wife being grateful for what she gets and to submit to his sexual needs and blah blah. Reverse the roles for a minute and think. All of that is a set up just for a husband to get what he wants and without doing anything for his wife sexually. Your wife has probably been better to you then you will ever know. Don’t pull away if you aren’t getting what you want. Pull closer to her in the way that is meaningful and pleasurable to her. And don’t get discouraged if she doesn’t respond in a way that fits your little scheme of how the night should go. She just may see things a whole lot different than you. Embrace THAT.