Guys, is sexual passivity robbing you of great one flesh bonding with your wife? I know that the male stereotype is that they are always asking for sex, and usually the word passive never enters into that image. However, I have a theory that many husbands actually repress their sexual desires for such a long time that they miss opportunities with their wife. In order to actually grow a healthy, connecting, loving, developing sex life in our marriage we need to learn how to turn our sexual repression into sexual uninhibitedness. Let me be clear, this post is not for husbands who are struggling with a sexless marriage, or are married to a wife with low libido issues. In order to change sexually passivity in your marriage you must have a wife who is sexually receptive, who is also happy to take your sex life to the next level.
In order to understand what to change, we first need to understand the problem. As teens and young adults with raging hormones all men learned (some slower than others) that it was not very productive or healthy to think about sex constantly. These were the first times that we learned to push sexual thoughts from our minds. This was a healthy activity, one of taking impure thoughts captive and learning to focus elsewhere. As in many things, sometimes health can become unhealthy.
Passivity in Marriage
Once married it is easy to take the same skill, the pushing away of sexual thoughts, and adapt it to married life. It is positive still in taking captive impure thoughts, but now for the first time in our lives we have pure sexual thoughts. This is a brand new concept. For all of our lives sex and purity were always negatively associated. Pretty girl = thoughts and can = sin. So we try to learn to repress our sexual nature. Once married you can actually have very pure sexual thoughts about your wife. And yet, do you? I think most guys are stuck in the same old patterns, sexual thoughts come up and we push them away. Maybe we are at work, and we tell ourselves to refocus. Maybe we are at home and we think about romancing our wife, but she’s tired, or the TV is on, or maybe we will think “after I get _____ done”. At the same time we allow the sexual thought and the desire to pass.
Passivity in Rejection
Complicating this natural tendency is the very real negative reinforcement that rejection can add. Many marriages go through periods where one person’s sexual desire out paces the other’s. This leads to times when we have to learn to push back our sexual desires. This dynamic can be amplified if there has been sexual issues, as so often happens as the two are learning how to be a one flesh connection. When a husband fears that his sexual advances will be rejected a majority of times, he eventually starts asking less. This doesn’t mean that the sexual desires have decreased it just means that he has learned how to push them down and look only for the times when his wife is “most receptive”. A strange thing happens when a marriage has gone through a period where sexual rejection happens, but has moved into a healthier more sexually active place. The husband can still fear the rejection that used to happen. There can still be the tendency, for years after, to wait till you see signs of receptivity on your wife before you are willing to initiate. Even when she has told you, and shown to you that she is much more sexually healthy then in years past. As I said in the beginning of this post, if this is still going on in your marriage, this post isn’t necessarily for you.
Sexual Assertiveness Training
Don’t get me wrong, I think that we need to be extremely sensitive to our wife’s moods at all times! But this doesn’t mean that we simply have to ignore our healthy sexual desires. In order to combat a lifetime of sexual passivity we need to take healthy steps toward sexual assertiveness. Please be clear, this is not sexual aggressiveness or even insistence on sex. This is simply retraining our brains and our bodies to register our sexual desires and then turn them into healthy actions towards our wives.
Sexual Assertiveness Training has three easy steps, just remember the SAT’s!
Acknowledge it. Recognize that the thought that just went dashing through your brain was a health sexual thought about your wife. Say it to yourself. “I would like to have sex with my wife” feel free to fill in the blank with your own specifics. Don’t allow it to escape no matter what is going on. Capture the thought and then move to step 2.
This is the hard one for most men who have learned sexual passivity well. You must take the initiative to approach your wife with your sexual thought. One of the traps that sexual passivity teaches us is that unless we are prepared at that moment, we shouldn’t mention it. Sexual Assertiveness teaches the exact opposite! If you are at work send her a suggestive text message. If you are home but the kids are still up a quick whisper in her ear could set the right mood! The ball is in your court guys, you will only be cheating yourself out of an opportunity if your keep your mouth shut. Find ways to turn the thought into words and prepare for what happens next.
As your passivity melts away, your wife will notice! You will want to have even more discussions about your growing sex life. Make sure to talk about what approaches work for her and what do not. Tell her the thoughts you have been putting out of your mind for years and see what her reaction is. You might be pleasantly surprised when she says things like “Why didn’t you tell me about that?” or “I would love to have a quickie in the morning sometimes” Keep talking and you just never know how your sex life will grow!
Have you been able to overcome a past of sexual passivity? I would love to hear you grew! Let us know in the comments!