Eye Catching Modesty in Marriage

Kate says . . .

All too often girls and women in our society share way too much of what was created for their husbands eyes only before their marriage.  However, once married some embrace sharing their bodies with their husband while others hardly bare anything at all!  How do we become wives who are eye-catching to our hubby but not to all the other people around us?

Many married wives struggle with how modesty fits into their marriage.  We are taught from early on to be modest about our bodies and to not show too much skin.  Then we get married and we are told it is okay for all that to change.  Does modesty still have a place when you are married? And if it does how?

I feel strongly that while we must be modest around those who are not our husband, we should dress to please our husbands and to be eye-catching for him.  Yes we have already caught his eye, but I would encourage you that there is nothing wrong with continuing to catching his eye!

Catching his eye while avoiding others

Let’s talk about what should be covered and what is ok to be shown when in the presence of people in addition to your husband.  The parts that Adam and Eve covered in their shame are definitely for your hubby’s eyes only!  Every bit of them.  I would also encourage that everything in-between those two areas (breast to vagina and rear end-in case you were wondering) should also be for your hubby’s eyes only.  As for the rest, they are grey areas, but I think we all know when we are showing off too much.  The reality is that we like the attention of someone noticing us.  God created that feeling in us for a reason, but it should remain a feeling that we seek from our husband and no one else.  Keeping that in check can be a challenge, but will help you to focus that energy on your hubby.

5 Great ways to attract your hubby’s eye everyday – while avoiding other eyes

  • Wear figure flattering clothes.  We are all unique and shaped differently.  Dress daily (or most days) in outfits that fit your personality, but also flatter your figure.
  • Stay away from sweats and comfy clothes as much as possible.  They have their time and place, but should not be a staple in your wardrobe.
  • Low necklines are great as long as they are not too low.
  • Try something new.  Remember that even though you may personally like a certain style something new every now and then can really draw your hubby’s attention.
  • One word “Commando”

Think outside of the box.  Think what could I wear tonight that will make my hubby’s eyes pop when he walks though the door?  These things keep your hubby looking and smiling!  If you are home and do not have to go out, perhaps go for a bit more skin.  If you have kids you may have to still be careful, but you can wear a lower cut shirt or go without a bra or undies (not that you could necessarily see the lack of undies).

For His Eyes Only – Modesty in the bedroom?

In the bedroom, the sky is the limit.  There are no regulations, no parameters.  You can wear something sexy or go for nothing at all.  Wear one of your hubby’s button down dress shirts that is always fun!  Many times when we are modest in the bedroom, it comes from upbringing, embarrassment and uncertainty.  Uncertainty of our own bodies, or what our husband will think . . . we get nervous and therefore stop trying altogether.  Some wives also shy away from showing skin and being naked in the bedroom because they know what their husband will “want”.  I struggled with this mentality for many years and it was very unhealthy.  It truly pointed to bigger issues in our sex and intimacy.  If you feel the same way, it is time to think about those bigger issues and find healing.  God’s plan for a husband and wife is to look at, savor and enjoy each other’s nakedness.  It is to be enjoyed, to be an attraction.  It is not a bad thing to show a little skin and tempt your husband into wanting to hold you and love you.  I have heard some say that you should spend the first year of your marriage without a TV (at all, not just in the bedroom) and without clothes on in the bedroom.  In other words embrace and enjoy each other-naked.

Do you as a wife, hide behind modesty?  Do you dress in a way to keep your husband from looking at you?  Think about what is at the root of that?  Do you not want him to notice, so you can keep him from being enticed?  Have you been taught that nakedness and sex are dirty and wrong?

Do you embrace the plan that God has given your body over to your husband for enjoyment?  Do you dress for him and keep him looking all day long?

We all struggle with body image and what we have been taught about sex drastically effects how we allow our husbands to enjoy our bodies.

Wives: I would love for you to share with me your thoughts on modesty and marriage.

Husbands:  Share with us wives your thoughts on how too much modesty can affect you as the husband as well as how too much showing off by others can affect you?

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40 Responses to Eye Catching Modesty in Marriage

  1. You nailed this post Kate! I usually let my husband decide if he thinks that something is too revealing for ‘outside the bedroom’ … if he’s ok with it, so am I. Let’s face it, we don’t want to temp other men, just the one we are married to!

    • Hi Robyn! Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts! Letting your hubby decide is a good way to make sure! I have to say though, there are times my hubby struggles, because he really likes how I look and wants to continue to see me dressed that way, but knows we are going out with others. So he always sighs and say “ok maybe the shirt is too low to go out, but I still love it!” LOL! All in good fun of course. Drawing my hubby’s eye is fun and I enjoy the way he looks at me, but I don’t want any other man looking at me. I appreciate your thoughts! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  2. My wife really struggles in this area. I know that she was brought up being taught that “good girls” don’t dress “that” way. It has been a struggle to counter that thinking in our marriage.

    We also go to a very conservative church where ankle length dresses and head coverings are the norm (though my wife does not cover her head). As the pastor’s wife, she feels that everyone is looking at her and judging her by what she wears. And they are!

    My wife dresses very conservatively but feels “frumpy” because of it. I don’t think she is frumpy, but she doesn’t listen to me when I tell her that. She is insecure about her appearance and weight — even though I tell her she’s beautiful and I love her just the way (and weigh) she is. Frankly, there just aren’t that many fashionable and conservatively modest clothing available for the full figured woman.

    In the bedroom, I have asked her to make sleeping naked one of our marriage goals for 2012. However, we live in a very cold climate. I told her that I didn’t mind turning up the heat or doubling up on the blankets but she is still uncomfortable with the idea.

    Kate, I would appreciate any advice you may have on overcoming my wife’s insecurities and getting her out of her shell (and her clothes!) more.

    Sincerely,
    Kevin

    • Hi Kevin! Thanks for writing and sharing! I hear you and I can totally relate with your wife as well as understanding where you at!

      Brad and I served as staff in a church for 6 years, so I totally relate with that pressure. That is tough one, I would encourage you to keep encouraging your wife to be who she is. Who God has made her to be. That even though others may judge (even in church) God is the only one who matters, and of course you as her husband, where modesty is concerned. Keep praying for her in this regard. Pray for God to bring confident woman around her to be true friends and encourage her to express who she truly is. Age also helps! I am 34 and it is only in the past 7 years or so, that I have come into myself and embraced who God made me to be. Getting older, has shown me what truly matters in life as well as feeling more and more, that I am who I am!

      As for the clothing, I would encourage you to help your wife find clothing that she likes and make her feel special in your eyes. It is hard to find attractive clothing for full figured women. I too wore full figured clothing for many years after our two biological children were born. I am not trying to sell you anything, but the one place that I was able to shop and find clothes that make me feel attractive and not frumpy was Lane Bryant. They are a bit pricy, but sometimes a little help in that area is worth saving a bit and getting a few outfits. They also have many attractive bedroom items. Take her out shopping, spoil her a bit and make her feeling good in clothing a priority (if you are able to monetarily). They usually have a good amount of skirts and dresses!

      As for the bedroom, it is a good thought to try sleeping naked for 2012. But for someone who is sturggling with her image and what others around her think, it can be crippling! I have been there too. How about finding shorts (kinda like boxers) and tank tops for her-let her help you pick them out. Lane Bryant should have some things like that, or search it on the internet. With the shorts and tank tops, there is still a lot of skin exposed. Then when you are in bed together you will be sharing skin to skin contact and not just fabric to fabric. Another thing you can do is find some bedroom attire for you as well. So she does not feel singled out. It will also show her that you want to wear things that please her and will expose more of you to her. Ask her what she would like to see you sleeping in, if she has no ideas, perhaps tank tops for you as well and boxers or underwear that are just for the bedroom!

      Oh my do I hear you about the cold climate! In fact I think Brad blogged a little about it recently. As I am responding to you, I am sitting here shivering-I am always cold. And we don’t live in that cold of a climate! LOL! One of the best gifts Brad ever gave me was a electic blanket with dual controls. So his side can stay cold, since he is always hot! I go up and turn it on about 30 minutes before we are going to our room and my side is nice and warm. It is so nice and encourages our alone time of intimacy so much more then when I am freezing! We also have learned that lighting several (lots) of candles is not only fun and romantic, but it also heats up our room really nicely. So much that my hubby wants to open the window when we have them lit! We are total opposites in temperature! But we have found things that work for us both!

      Keep loving you wife, serving her and telling her over and over how beautiful and amazing she is to you! Speak her love language! Pray scripture over your marriage. A husband who loves his wife as Christ commanded can be like salve to those insecurities she feels. God will work through you! Keep asking God for His leading of how to love your amazing wife they way he wants you to! Don’t lose hope and don’t give up! There is great hope and joy beyone belief in God’s plan for marriage! Thanks for sharing, Kevin and feel free to ask any other questions! I will be praying for you and your wife! Blessings, Kate

    • Try an electric blanket Kevin! Works for my marriage 🙂

      Praying for your wife to experience complete freedom in this area, in a way that both honors God AND excites you as her husband. Enjoy 2012!

  3. Your blog is such a blessing to my marriage. Thanks for being obedient to the Lord by starting this.

    I remember taking a 30 day challenge of wearing nothing but lingerie one time and I haven’t stop wearing them or other eye catching attire since!! LOL I LOVE my DH’s eyes looking and desiring me. I’ve even changed my wardrobe too. I also was bringing modesty into our personal times together. I used to only wear long skirts to the ankles. My husband asked if I could wear skirts to my knees (or a little above them). When I agreed, I felt so “immodest” and was very concerned about others looking at me. LOL But, I’m still coming around. LOL But, it’s a blessing to bless my husband in that way.

    • Hi Zinnada! Thanks for writing and for sharing. I love that you took a challenge and allowed God to work in your heart and in your intimacy with your husband! God is always there waiting, it is us who need to be open to His will for marriage and intimacy. I praise God, that your hubby adores you and tells you, it is a true blessing. It can be hard to have confidence and step out of our medesty box, but when it is for the pleasure of our husband, it is a good thing! Thanks again for sharing and for your kind words of encouargement! We are very thankful for you! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  4. I enjoy your blog, but I’m wondering from what part(s) of Scripture do you deem certain body parts to be for the eyes of the spouse only. I’m just wondering, because this restriction doesn’t seem to fit in with what I’ve read in the Bible.

    • FatherOf4,
      Thanks for your comment. I’m going to be posting my reply post later today. I think it will answer some of your questions from a guys perspective.

      • Unfortunately, today’s post doesn’t answer my original question.
        “If an absolutely beautiful completely naked woman who is not my wife, were to throw herself at me, it would be my responsiblity to run away.” This could easily be shortened to “If a woman, who is not my wife, were to throw herself at me (sexually), it would be my responsibility to run away.” (I Cor 6:18). The woman’s clothes (or lack thereof) or physical attractiveness have absolutely nothing to do with avoiding sexual immorality/lust and are not referenced in any of the Scriptures listed above.

        • Father of 4,
          Your quotes of scripture are true, but as a believer we are called to be salt and light to this world. We are also not to be a stumbling block to others, believer’s or not. Then there is the scripture that tells women what to wear. Even in the beginning after Adam and Eve were aware of each other, was it not God who fashioned them clothing?

          While I agree a believer should be in control of his/ her desires. We are all under attack. David a King, a man after God’s own heart was drawn in to the beauty of another woman despite the MANY he already had. Jesus said when we look at another with lust in our heart we have committed adultery. Being a man and knowing the drive we have you should be in support of women dressing modestly so you are not committing adultery. Out of all the sins we can commit the Bible says Sexual Sin is the only one that affects the body because it is a heart matter.

          I love it when my wife dresses sexy, but in public it becomes a distraction to me b/c of other men staring at my wife and a certain jealousy rises within. However in my bedroom or if the kids are not around…well you get the idea. Hope this helps!

          • Ron,
            To which Scripture(s) are you referring which state what women are to wear?
            Does the Bible ever mention why he clothed Adam and Eve? The modesty argument/reason doesn’t really make sense and directly contrasts with the point of the article. (A&E were married and no other humans were around – so they’re to be modest with each other in their private married state?)
            Being a man, I know the (God-given) drive we have. However, finding another woman beautiful is not lust, for most of us, her beauty is one of the reasons we were attracted to our wives. If we believe lust is a sin, then it must be a choice and not an autonomic reaction. So lust would be the chosen desire to have the object lusted after irregardless of God’s will. This mental sin, is what Jesus equates to adultery. In fact, in each of the Biblical examples, David and Bathsheba Jesus statement, and Joseph and Potiphar’s wife, no condemnation is given to the object of the lust, regardless of how much he/she had covered or his/her appearance. (I would jokingly support the idea of which, in order to prevent the lusts of women, men should stop doing housework, as Joseph was doing.)
            However, this does not mean, Christian men and women are to wear or not wear whatever they want. They have to decide what the motivation is for their clothes (or lack thereof – Isaiah 58:7) and judge if their motivation is honoring God or something else (this is true for every action, not just apparel choices).

        • Father of 4,

          Hey man, so I went to the breakthechains website that you sent me to, and I’m cracking up. Basically your theory is “If you can’t defeat a sin in your own life, and get tired of trying, make believe that it’s not a sin, and then suddenly you don’t have a problem with that sin anymore”. Wow, how fun! So now if I feel like killing someone, all I have to do is find a place in the Bible where somebody killed someone, and jump up and down in glee and say “look! It’s not a sin to kill someone, because somebody did it in the Bible!” Lol…good times!

          If God didn’t think we needed clothes, he wouldn’t have given them any on the way out of the garden. Oh, and all that garbage about “it shouldn’t matter if she is wearing clothes or not, you shouldn’t lust after her, it’s a choice” – if you can LOOK ME IN THE EYE and tell me that if a supermodel took off her clothes, and “took at bath’ in the river next to where you were swimming, and you would be able to look at her naked body, and not have 1 sexual thought about her – you’re either lying to yourself, or I’m glad someone has finally achieved holiness here on earth. It’s so great that someone here on earth has achieved “perfect” – I’ve lived a long time, and you’re the first one I’ve met. What an honor!

          Maybe it’s time to stop hiding behind hand picked, out of context Bible verses, and realize we struggle with our thought lives, and will until the day we die. Welcome to fallen earth. Do we have victory over our thoughts with Jesus help? Sure we do! Do we fail no matter how hard we try. Yes we do. But we get up, repent, and keep going and trying to live in His example. Your idea of “oh, it’s all His creation, so we can look all we want” is just a lazy excuse for a lazy thought life.

          Oh, and the part on the site where it reffered to “nude beaches” and how it’s “normal” after a while, and nobody views anybody as sexual – I call BS! It didn’t mention that most nude colinies also include a lot of “swingers” and open sexuallity that is completly contrary to Biblical teachings. Good luck rationilizing that one away. Maybe “swinging” is ok too because “we’re all just God’s creation anyway”. Good grief.

    • Hi FatherOf4! It is nice you see you here again and jumping into the discussion. Iron sharpens iron! I think that you and I have been round and round about this before and I do believe, even before I share my thoughts, that we are going to have to agree to disagree on this subject. I believe that we as women should dress in a beautiful way to for our husbands as well to feel good about ourselves. But sharing breasts and other parts with anyone other then my husband, I simply feel is not God’s will for my body, our marriage and God’s people.
      As for scriptures that point to my take on modesty. While I can point to a few, I believe that they could be turned around. So much of things like dress and traditions in the Word are subject to the culture at the time. I know you have said that we tend to get our modesty values form Victorian times. And there are MANY cultures that dress with a lot less then we do. But I still do not believe that is what God had in mind for us.
      Your suggestion that more skin would in fact cause us to be less reactive to more skin, while that may be true of the human mind and body (not saying I agree-but desensatisation does happen at time), is it what God wants for his sacred relationship that is marriage? As I have shared with you before, I have spoken with many men recovering from porn addiction and each one, on their own, has expressed that they wish there was not SO much skin available to see, that it is a constant trigger for them. They say there is too much showing in pictures, adds, billboards and even the people walking by. It IS their responsibility to look the other way, but we are also responsible for our own conduct and the way we can cause our brother or sister to stumble.
      The other think that I would ask you, is what benefit is it to dress with your breast and other body parts exposed? What good does it bring, what postive effect does it have on others around you?
      You asked for a few scriptures:
      1 Timothy 2:9 – “And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes.” (NLT)
      1 Peter 3:3-4 – “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” (NIV)

      I realize neither of these speak specifically about breast and how much to actually cover, but what can we glean from them? That God would like for us to dress in a way that is not eye catching to others, but your husband. In Proverbs 31 (a wife standard I try to live by) we see that this wife, dresses in great colors and is beautiful, but she is because of who she has allowed God to make her and how she serves her husband. Not because of how much she bares to others.
      To admire another woman because she is beautiful is not the problem. It is where your thoughts stroll to that could be the problem. I believe my husband is a beautiful piece of God’s art work, but I don’t really want other women admiring him. To say, “he is handsome” is fine, but to go any further, even if it is not sinful, is still wrong in my eyes, because he is MY husband, not theirs! So while I see your point, I believe that mindset in general to be a slippery slope. Even if it is not slipery for you, it is still not where I believe God wants our focus to be. The time and energy would be better focused on your own spouse.

      These are just my thoughts. I also think that Adam and Eve were clothed by God, because once they sinned their eyes were opened, they knew they were naked and felt shame. God could no longer allow them, even if they were the only people on earth, to run around exposed. Because now their eyes saw the exposure. And to think they had the perfect marriage before sin. Total nakedness before God and there was no shame-now that is an amazing thought!
      As always we grealy appreciate your thoughts even if we differ. God is good! Blessings to you and your wife. Kate

      • Kate/Brad,
        I’m not sure exactly where to start to reply. I struggled with porn for years, starting early in my teen years and continuing well into adulthood. I found accountability and filters were only as good as I wanted them to be. “Bouncing the eyes” to avoid potential lust was just frustrating and a failure. I also noticed the number of women whose sight I was avoiding was increasing. If filters, accountability, and bouncing was the truth, then it wasn’t setting me free.
        In researching Biblical modesty for another familial issue, I found a variety of websites from those blaming Bathsheba for David’s sin to “Christian’s” promoting free sexuality for all. One of these was a website – (broken link) . The website stated there were 3 lies which this culture and the church has promoted
        1) The unclothed human body is primarily sexual in nature.
        – Therefore: To see another body unclothed is a sexual event.
        2) The automatic and natural response to the sight of an unclothed body is sexual arousal.
        – Therefore: The best strategy against lust is to limit the opportunity to view the unclothed body.
        3) To be attracted to the sight of nudity (beyond your spouse’s) is a perversion.
        – Therefore: we must make every effort to eradicate this perversion from our hearts.
        As a medical provider (having seen hundreds of naked bodies) I realized 1 was a lie. It was 2 and 3 which took some time to process and understand.

        I continued to study the topic of Biblical modesty and came to believe (based on Scripture and history) the current (American) rules for clothing are a house of cards, not built on any foundation and not structurally sound for any doctrine. These rules for clothing teach us to objectify women, speaking a similar message as those who peddle pornography. (Church – “Don’t look at the breasts.” vs Porn – “Take a good look at these luscious mounds of mammary goodness.”) Both the church and pornographers point the focus primarily on the breasts and not the person. In addition, the Church also judges both men and women. (“A true Christian woman is dressed with these body parts well covered.” or “A Godly man won’t want to look at the whore.”)

        I realize that words evolve in their usage. Fifty Years ago, the word “Gay” meant happy or lighthearted, obviously it has a much different primary meaning now. Modesty is another one of these evolved words. If one buys a modest house, does this mean the upstairs windows are covered in blinds? No, it means that is isn’t an egregious display of wealth. If a man is described as “modest”, would you consider him to be not braggadocios, or just that he has on pants and a shirt? From everything I can see, this is the meaning Paul uses in I Timothy. The women (as was the local custom) were displaying their wealth (and apparent spirituality – see Job) via their dresses and hair braided with gold. This would then complement the teaching of James 2 to not show favoritism (to the rich.) I would argue to dress modestly is to dress in a manner which is not intended to draw unrighteous attention to oneself, whether it be a burka or a bikini. The actual clothing or lack thereof is irrelevant, and the judgment of modesty can only be performed by the Creator and the one who selects and wears the outfit.

        I greatly appreciate your push for better marriages. In this way we exemplify the relationship between Christ and the church. However, in this issue of modesty – I weep for boys/young men just starting to become interested in girls/women and being taught their fascination is wrong, yet being drawn to shame of pornography because no place else has the ease of nakedness. I weep for girls/young women who quickly learn their value is their beauty and youth, and losing either reduces their worth. I weep for the men who struggle with porn, who are torn by their desires, yet are castrated by pornography’s and the church’s lies. I weep for the women, who, having no idea of the diversity of the human female, practice false comparisons and undergo cosmetic surgery, plasticizing the very image of God. I weep for the men and women, who have traded their humanness to be objects, who have bartered themselves into a dirty, broken mirror, poorly reflecting the glory of their Creator. Lastly, I promote these truths in person and online to combat the causes for weeping.

        • Hi FatherOf4! Thank you for your well thought out responce, I enjoyed reading your thoughts and where God has led you. I just wanted to say a few things and I believe we feel similarly on them. I (we) believe that the church has greatly and continues to fail marriages in general but specifically where sex and intimacy is concerned. I also believe, mainly due to fear, that children and adolescents have lost out on a great understanding of sexuality. Our boys and daughter will grow up knowing because we will talk about it often, how great sexuality is. That they were created as sexual beings and that many things we feel and expereince in life are due to the amazing way that God created us. They will be taught that our bodies are beautiful, amazing and not to be look upon in shame. They will be taught that experiencing sex and all the amazing things that go along with it are good and intended for pleasure. We will be open and honest about pornography and all that entails. We will also be open about how porn has touched our marriage (and most out there). They will not be taught that fascination with the opposite sex is wrong. It is natural and healthy. But we will show them the parameters the Bible talks about and what is saved for a husband and a wife. We will also share with them, that they aren’t going to win this battle within themselves all the time, there will be times of lust! I don’t think there is a person in the world who has not lusted-just sayin! But we will talk to them about the realness of sexuality. The amazingly good parts God had in store and the ways that your desire and sexual feelings can take you down path’s God did not intend. It is our hope and prayer that they would save sex for their spouse! But we will not stop at saying, “God says to wait, so wait!” We want to share with our kids, why it is so amazing to wait! What are the benefits! What are going to be the hardest things about waiting. The truth about us (how far we went), our thoughts our regrets, our praises! We already see that how amazing God is in created our children with a sexual nature. As far as their body, we hope they will value themselves enough with all that we have taught, that they will keep much of their body for their spouse. They will be aloud to dress in a way that is fun and flattering to them.

          We as a culture have much to learn about sexuality and all that God has intended for us as sexual beings. As for modesty, I still hold to my beliefs that certain parts of our body should be for our spouses viewing alone. I weep for the girls who feel they need to show much of themselves to gain the attention of boys when really they need love. I weep for boys who feel it is ok to rake over a woman with his eyes as if she is a piece of meat at a market. What you say is true, but in our society, that is supersaturated with skin, most young boys and girls are not being discouraged from exploring and experiencing. They are encouraged!

          I too feel that many young boys and girls, and society in general has bought into the lie that culture sells about the image God wants you to be. That is very true and truly makes me weep. Because in reality, I believe that if those people believed God’s will and word, there would not be as many issues with body image and the need to show off too much for fear that the inside won’t be loved. I truly do appreciate your sharing with us! This conversation is truly needed! Blessings to you and your wife! Kate

          • I’m delighted to hear how you plan to teach your children. As far as I’m concerned, the instruction to do so is within the confines of Deuteronomy 6.
            As for the limitations of viewing of body parts, I’m happy to discuss this with you offline, I don’t want to dominate your blog. However, your viewpoint just continues the current enviornment. Girls will continue to attempt to obtain the attention of boys/men and boys/men will continue to view women as meat at a market and vice versa. Our society is supersaturated not with skin, but illicit sexuality. (There are many societies which allow for more display of skin, but the sexuality is far less.)
            Though we may disagree on a few points and steps to fix them, thank you for your (and Brad’s blog.)

          • Hi FatherOf4! You are in no way dominating our blog! That is what we are here for, to openly talk about God’s plan for marriage, the reality of marriage and how we as husband and wife can be what God wants us to be! Discuss away! 🙂 I agree with you wholeheartedly, our society is supersaturated with illicit sexuality! That combined with our obsession with skin makes for a bad combination. I agree that in other countries more skin is not as much of an issue because the sexuality is far less! But we live here, in this reality-whether we like it or not! So for me allowing more skin to show in this supersaturated society is only feeding the issue. It would be great if it was not, but it is and therefore I feel we must do what we can to not feed it! I also still believe it is God’s desire for us to keep those things covered, but it is more then that, we are to keep them special for our spouse! It is a gift to them! Not to many people are fond of gifts that have been used and passed around.

            I really do agree with you on the supersatured illicit sexuality in this country! But I also feel the showing of our selves (what we are to keep for our spouse) is only feeding it!

            We to appreciate your thoughts and contributing to these conversations! I truly believe that iron sharpens iron and God wants this of His believers. To be able to sit down and talk about the issues and how His word effects those issues! Thank you very much for sharing! Blessings, Kate

  5. My wife and I read this together last night, and we agree wholeheartedly! She is beginning to find ways to dress more “freely” with me, while still maintaining modesty while out and about. It’s a difficult balance sometimes, but very necessary to keep from stumbling others.

    A note for Kevin… Yesterday I wrote an article over on Awesome Husbands that you might appreciate. It’s called “The Most Beautiful Woman In The World“, and deals specifically with women’s insecurities with their own bodies. Feedback I have gotten from ladies reading it is overwhelmingly positive!

    OneFleshMarriage, I REALLY appreciate your tweets and articles, and am greatly encouraged DAILY from them! Please keep it up!
    ~Twitter: @Rayohope

    • Hi Jason! Thanks so much for writing and sharing. We appreciate your encouargement and kind words very much! I am going to check out your article, Brad said it was really awesome! Thanks for sharing! Keep seeking God in your marriage! Blessings, Kate

      • B&K,Where can I find that article. Could not find an AH blog or website with a Google search. I would really like to read it since body image issues are a problem for my wife also. Being a typically visually oriented male, and a very much a sensualist by nature, I really desire and enjoy looking at my wife’s body. She is pretty much a lights out kind of girl. I keep praising her while trying to keep it from sounding self-serving or insincere. I just can’t seem to build her confidence. I know it is deeper than just a weight thing because there is little else about our sex life that is burdened with modesty. If she felt compelled to exhibit her body to me I would think she would diet and excercise so she could feel good about her shape and weight. Since she does not, I feel the problem is rooted elsewhere. I truly wish we could effectively deal with it. I adore her so much and hate to see this lack of conficence or self-esteem limit our relationship and her potentail joy in our relationship. I, or course, feel I am being denied a significant part of our one flesh experience. I am not ducking my particular dog in this fight, so to speak. No, that phrase does not subconciouly imply that we argue over this issue. It is just a pharse I have come to use. I stipulate to the fact that I do have a vested interest in this issue. I want all the gifts God inteneded for our marriage. I don’t feel under those circumstances I am being “selfish” becasue I do consider her feelings and do not demand, coerce or force her to submit to my desire. It’s just that within the covenant of my marriage, this is the only place I am to go to satisfy my lust for enjoying the intimate beauty of the female form. I am to lust after my wife only. I wish I had the cure for body image issues for the benefit of both husbands and wives. It’s so tragic that Satan has somehow managed to drive this wedge into so many marriages. God created this perfectly divine, exquisite,lovely creature (Well, I did admit to being a sensualist.) to share our lives with but the full measure of sharing cannot be fulfilled for so many. More later perhaps.

  6. Such a good post Kate! The whole issue of modesty can be a stumbling block in marriage, but I think couples can navigate it in a way that honors God yet still gives them great freedom in their intimacy.

    As wives, we need to remember that most guys are visual. Obviously, this discernment should guide us on how we carry ourselves and how we dress around other men. And the discernment should also guide us in how we carry ourselves and dress around our husbands! My husband is a guy and I want to be the one satisfying his visual appetite — appropriately in public, but with much freedom in private.

  7. I guess I’ve hid behind modesty for the past several years because since having kids, my figure is definitely not what it used to be. Before kids I had no reservations but now… well, I’ve caught my hubby trying to hide the look of disgust on his face more than once and the last time I really made myself vulnerable and tried to dress really appealing (very low cut dress, push up bra, thong) he had to stifle his laughter. Frankly, I don’t know if I could ever brave putting myself out there like that again. I’ve been humiliated too many times.

    • Hi L! Thanks for writing and sharing! I can totally relate to what you share about having children and our bodies changing. It saddens me to think your husband would laugh at you, when you are trying to dress in a way to please him. Remember that is his issue with the Lord, he will be held accoutable for those actions one day.
      That being said, have you ever tried to talk to him about it. Share with him that you wish to dress in a way that accents you and pleases him. Share that you have felt him looking and laughing. It may not be what you think at all. But it also may be not far off. We tend to feel that avoiding a conversation like that is best because then we won’t feel the hurt of actually hearing it. I can see how this is attractive, but having an open conversation where you share feelings and are vulnerable is the best way for each of you to start to understand each other and to bridge the gap that has been created.
      Your husband should adore you, new “after baby” figure and all! I sometimes look at my body now and think-ugh! C-section scar, stretch marks, etc and I long for the old days, before kids. But then my hubby reminds me that those marks and changes are beautiful reminders of our kids! Secretly, I sometimes still wish they were gone! 🙂 But he is right and I would not change them being here for the world.
      I pray that your hubby’s heart will be that of God’s heart-for his wife in all her beauty. You are a true and unique beauty in God’s eyes and His desire is that you will be also in your hubby’s eyes! Please know that I am praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate

  8. I have a question/ comment about modesty and how wives should “catch the eye” of their husband only. I think the concept of revealing attire is pretty much a no brainer. My wife doesnt wear clothig that would reveal her top or bottom body regions. However, I will say she looks fabulous in what ever she wears. She is very trim and looks good in everything ( and in the bedroom with nothing too!) When we go out on special events like weddings or formal events, she will usually wear “the little black dress” It is not short or tight fitting but it seems she draws attention on how great she looks. Other women are complimentary with her and I often wonder if other guys might be looking at her lustfully. Granted, I have seen other women at these events and many of them also look very nice. Lets keep in mind, under certain situations the covered body can be more seductive than the naked body. I believe a woman can be dressed in modest attire and still be the subject of other mens eyes. After all, arent women beautiful no matter what they wear? Am I off base with that belief?

    • Hi Eammon! Thanks for writing and sharing. I think you bring up some very good points. I think we are saying much of the same things. You have described that your wife dresses in a classic way that makes her shine and look amazing. There is nothing revealing, but it is still stunning. And yes your wife should look amazing to you in anything she wears. There are those who reveal to much and then there are those who are so caught up in modesty or hiding themselves, that they don’t even atempt to dress classy for their husbands. I think that is the difference. Your wife dresses in a way that is flattering to her. There are those who would say, that even though nothing is revealing, it is still not modest enough. We disagree with this and challenge that woman can catch their hubby’s eye, simply by dressing in a way that compiments her. I don’t think you are off base at all. And you are also right that a body covered and what can be revealed is also very alluring and seductive to her husband! Thanks for sharing! Blessings to you and your wife! Kate

  9. I have to say Wow!!! I grew up in a faith based home that believed in head to toe coverage no showing anything in curves or making yourself pretty. My mother did not teach me anything to do with being a wife, so I had to learn most of it from books and from talking to my mentor after I got married. Actually my mentor friend is of the menonite faith, her hubby and 2 other couples blessed us with a gift of a honeymoon when we got married. My in-laws thought that we did not need a honeymoon at all. I have struggled with what I wear and how I look due to my weight. Still after being married for four years at times I feel I am not pretty enough for my hubby. My dear hubby says to me if I wanted to marry a supermodel I would have married one. Two of the pieces of lingere I have are actually like a frilly pj outfit that I got from avon. They are comfortable and sexy to start with and then slowly graduate to a more revealing lingere.

    When I was younger I wore long sleeves with long skirts and dresses. When I got out of high school I decided to wear jeans and t-shirts; also I thought I needed to dress more differently. I tried to be more attractive to catch some guys eye and get married. For me dressing modestly meant dressing very drab and not catching someone’s eye.

    I know see that you can be pretty dressed very modestly and still be appealing to my dear hubby. Also I have went and got a couple of tops that I only wear at home in front of my hubby and I am going to try to get the nerve up to do a striptease for my dear hubby.

    • Hi Elizabeth! Thanks for writing and sharing. It is interesting to see how we grew up and how that greatly effects our thinkings on modesty and sex! I appreciate all the growing you had to do, to decide for yourself what God wanted. It sounds like you and your hubby are enjoying each other-love to hear that! Go for the striptease! The Marriage Bed has some great pointers on doing such! I am sure your hubby would . . . well . . . love it! Thanks for sharing and blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  10. When the wife was criticized by schoolmates for being chubby, the husband’s compliments years later, will not be much help, no matter how sincere. The husband is not as important, on this issue, as other women. Men cannot undo the image imposed by decades of culture. The husband needs to be content with his wife, regardless of her modesty within the marriage. It is just the way she is. Proverbs 5: 18-20 urges the husband to be satisfied with his wife’s body. I might add, even if that body is well covered.

    • Hi Miller! Thanks for writing and sharing some of your story. Sadly your wife is not alone in that, I too was teased about being chubby. Brad was teased about being too tall and super skinny. If you are not on top in the crowd you were most likely teased about some part of your appearance. These things are so hard to leave behind and see God’s vision of you. While I know it is hard and the wife truly has to find her worth, value and beauty in Christ-the husband can do a great deal in the way of showing her how beautiful she is to him (covered or not). Yes you are to be content with your wife’s body, yet you can do a lot to encourage or discrouage her in her self image. The marriage relationship is the most important relationship outside of our relationship with Christ. It is the only relationship compared to Christ and the church. I beleive this to be true because God has very special plans for marriage. He knows the profound impact it can have on idividuals and society! You can have a great affect on your wife, seek God’s heart on that! God wants for you to be a salve on those wounds of old. God works through man and will work through you as her husband! Blessings to you and your beautiful wife! Kate

  11. My wife of 23 years has just recently Embrassed her sexuality in her wardrobe she has been dressing very modestly for 20 years and our marrage had become a long lasting partnership with no excitement at all

    Now that she dresses to please me more our marrage is wonderful

    Don’t get me wrong I’m not into any fetishes about my wife but I like it when she turns other men’s heads as long as that won’t change her

    It’s nice to see the way it has changed her confidence level now that’s sexy

    • Hi Tim! I think it is awesome that your wife is feeling great about herself and is stepping up to her part in being eye catching for you! Hope you are doing the same for her! 🙂 It is all apart of intimacy and keeping our marriage and sex at the forefront of our minds! Blessings to you and your wife! Kate

  12. Well ouch. Copy boy, send this to rewrite.

    Simply, what Gertie might have meant to say was please write more upon this subject. I found the video interesting but I don’t have a strong visual modality or learn well from inference. I prefer a more direct (I figured that out already) teaching experience when it comes to learning and would have liked more written information. Nes pa? 🙂

  13. Forgive me Gerty and Userdand, but I am not sure what you are referring to. There is no video included in this post. I think that I wrote a very straight forward post about wives, modesty and dressing up for your hubby! If you would like to clarify, that would be appreciated. Blessings, Kate

    • I didn’t see any video either. I thought maybe the link had failed so I wasn’t too worried. I thought you were pretty much to the point and very clear. Apparently she is looking for more and needs to ask you to specifically address what she is wondering about. I was just presenting a flies-honey-vinegar suggestion to Gertie. My “direct” response to her “direct” comment. I have no problem with the post.

  14. Simply, what Gertie might have meant to say was “Please write more upon this subject. I found the video interesting but I don’t have a strong visual modality or learn well from inference. I prefer a more direct” (I figured that out already. Userdand) “teaching experience when it comes to learning and would have liked more written information.” Nes pa? 🙂

    I suspect the quotation marks make it a little clearer as to what I was doing. My bad. Funny how we can look but not “see” when we proof our own work. “Makes sense to me.” NOT!

  15. My wife of 2 years just turned 50. She believes she is 80. Always wears loose fitting clothes, wont allow me in our own bedroom when she is changing clothes, or is just coming out of shower. Maybe I am in the wrong, but also too I am not allowed to cuddle, hug, kiss, show affection, touch in any way shape or form. This has pushed me away, and now will end up in divorce. All this is my fault according to her.