Ogle Away!

Brad says…

Kate’s last post, “Eye Catching Modesty in Marriage” did a really awesome job talking about two very different issues, appropriate dress in the bedroom and outside of it! (Not just bragging on my wife here but I think it is a really awesome post!)  I wanted to continue this theme in my follow-up post for husbands and talk about how guy’s eyes need some adjustment for both in and outside of the home too!

Ogle Away!

When was the last time you ogled your wife? You know, Ogle: “to eye amorously or provocatively”.  I know that word doesn’t usually have a positive connotation, but in this case I think it is appropriate.  Remember back to those long nights as a teenage boy?  I know we want to forget sometimes, but think about what your reaction would have been if a woman stepped out of the shower in your presence.  Think about how excited that would make you. In reality, most days we have the same amazing pleasure as husbands!  What a privilege, but do you take advantage of it?

It is high time that all guys remember to ogle their wife!  Take a long look and tell her just how amazingly beautiful she is!  Be specific! Tell her what you like!  Need some hints? A fun assignment is to read Song of Solomon only reading the sections under the heading “young man”.  This will give you lots to awesome ideas of how to ogle and then complement your wife!

Over and above the privilege you have in taking that extra look at what God has blessed you to have sharing your bed, it is part of your job as husband!  Your wife frequently needs to hear and feel that you find her attractive!  Your telling her often and regularly will be a tremendous boost to her view of herself.  One of the consequences of a women’s low opinion of her body is that she doesn’t want to see herself naked.  Since you would like to see it, it is you job to tell her how much you like it! For another great post on this topic and a great idea for building her self-image check out, “The Most Beautiful Woman In the World” on Songsix3.org

I know I’m going to get comments from guys who say that their wife’s body has changed, and he feels it is less attractive than it used to be.  I have six words for you guys, and sorry they aren’t very nice.  Get over yourself and stay quiet!  All of our bodies change while we age, you are not the same spring chicken she married anymore either.  Can you encourage health? Sure.  Can you like some bits better than other bits? I guess.  This attitude contributes to making women think that all husbands find their wife less attractive as she ages and that simply is not true!  If this is a real issue for you I suggest you start praying that God grant you eyes to see your wife the way He sees her!

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. (Proverbs 5:18, 19 NLT)

Eyes Front Soldier!

On the other hand, ogling is only for your wife!  I loved Kate’s encouragement to wives to dress nicely yet modestly when in public. I think it is great that wives are willing to help their brothers not stumble.  However, it is not totally their responsibility! No matter how many women take up this banner there will still be “immoral women” to use the term from Proverbs 5.

As I read God’s word I have come to a conclusion: If an absolutely beautiful completely naked woman who is not my wife, were to throw herself at me, it would be my responsiblity to run away!  We see this multiple times in the scriptures.  From the advice in Proverbs 5:8, “Stay away from her! [the immoral woman] Don’t go near the door of her house!”, to the escape of Joseph in Genesis 39:12, even in Job’s pleadings to God we hear is value of “I made a covenant with my eye not to look with lust at a young woman. (Job 31:1 NLT)”  Even Jesus discussed this issue, “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28 NLT)

I know that it can be difficult to see something beautiful then look away.  I agree with the bouncing eyes suggestion that was discussed in Every Man’s Battle.  A first look is noticing, a second look is our responsiblity! Make an agreement with your eyes to bounce them away after noticing, and don’t look back.  I find it helpful to remember that not only do I want to look away for my own benefit, but that she is not mine to look at.  She is or will be someone else’s wife.  I wouldn’t want any of you looking at my wife with those eyes and I don’t want to do that to any of your wives.

What do you think guys?  How have you managed to keep that covenant with your eyes?

Wives, what has your husband done that has shown you how they feel about your body? Or what have then not done that you wish they would

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32 Responses to Ogle Away!

  1. This post makes me sad. After more than a decade of marriage, my wife still gets my motor running. In fact, she does more than ever. I love seeing her in tight clothing, in revealing clothing or in no clothing at all.

    Yet every time I express appreciation for her physical beauty the discomfort couldn’t be more apparent. (I do not leer in front of the children and I do not use rude language, let me clarify.) It’s clear that she would much rather I didn’t notice and if I did notice, that I didn’t compliment and appreciate.

    What should I do? Should I hide my thoughts and feelings, since they’re not appreciated? Or do I need to challenge this? If so, how?

    • David, I would encourage you to pray for her and with her. My husband wrote the article (mentioned above) for AwesomeHusbands.org. We’ve been married for over 24 years and it has only been within the last year that the Lord has opened this area for both of us. I truly NEEDED to be able to see myself as God does… and that my husband enjoying the sight of me is a GOOD thing. I also needed to know that just because he enjoyed the sight of me it didn’t always mean it led to sexual things. The book “Sacred Sex” was a really excellent book that spoke to us both on the subject of being naked and unashamed. Keep telling her how beautiful she is to you. Tell her how beautiful she is to God (use scripture – send it in cards or emails, post it on notes on the mirror… whatever you feel led to do). And most of all, pray that the Lord would open her heart and her eyes to just how beautiful she is to HIM. Brad gives some excellent advice above about using the Song of Solomon as for guidance on how to tell your wife just how amazingly beautiful she is.

    • David S.
      Thank you so much for your honest and heartfelt comment (and some other really great ones in reply to others). I can feel your pain! It is a bit hard to answer all of your questions without knowing a bit more about your situation. Specifically about the health of your sexual intimacy. As Kate mentioned in her post (Eye Catching Modesty) some women do not desire to look sexy for their husband because they don’t wish to arouse them. They are at a place where they would rather not have sex in their marriage, so looking sexy is not desired. If this is the case then I would guide you to check out some of our posts on a women’s lack of sexual libido. A good start would be to check out all of the posts with the tag: Sex Drive here: http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/tag/sex-drive

      If on the other hand, your sexual intimacy is healthy but it is only her self image that is causing her reaction to your appreciation of her physical beauty, than I would suggest reading some of Kate’s posts on self image. I think she has some really good ideas, and will admit that she at one time struggled with some of these thoughts. Check out the posts with the tag Self Image here: http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/tag/self-image

    • Hi David! Thanks for writing and sharing. It makes me sad to hear that you are sad. I would encourage you to keep sharing with your wife how beautiful she is to you! I agree with TMBWITW (comment above) that she probably would like to feel that when you are sharing and looking, it does not always mean you are trying to put the moves on her. For the first 5 years of our marriage, I shied away from Brad’s attention because I thought it meant he only wanted sex. Many times it did and that was also partially my fault-but that is a post for another day. Woman want to be appreciated and adored by their hubby, but many times they do not feel good about themselves, so when their hubby expresses it, they have trouble believing it.
      I would encourage you to do little things for her, that make her feel pretty. Things that make her feel pampered and give her time to take care of herself. I am not sure how old your kids are, but they can take alot out of us moms, whether we work or not. And we tend to let ourselves, physically and emotionally go by the wayside. Let her take a bath after dinner and tell her you will do the dishes and put the kids to bed. Send her for a pedicure. If these do not appeal to her, think about what she loves to do, but never has time or what she used to do before you had the blessing of kids. These things matter because it speaks volumes to her that you want to allow her time to physically and emotionally care for herself.
      I would also say that perhaps having a conversation with her about your comments and admiration. Share with her your feelings and how much your admiration of her is real and you want her to be comfortable with it. She might share what she likes and dislikes. Try to not be hurt and focus on her likes. Many times our intentions are good, but they way we express them is simply our of our spouses comfort zone. It is likely that over time, she may open up to more, but give her time in her comfort zone first.
      You seem like a very attentive husband, keep that up! Pray for her, serve her, care for her needs and love her! Know that we are praying for you and your wife! Blessings to you both! Kate

  2. I’m wondering from what part(s) of scripture does the idea of “Bouncing the Eyes” comes.
    I’ve tried it. I found it led to frustration, failure, and shame. And the women to whom I’ve talked, don’t like it either. Either, a man won’t look at her, or if he does, she isn’t that attractive.

    • Fatherof4
      I didn’t say that the “bouncing eyes” idea was specifically Scriptural. The only mention of this in scripture is Job’s comments about making a covenant with his eyes to not look in lust at a young woman. You are correct that this is not a complete answer to the issue. At best it only works in passing, i.e. a woman walking down the sidewalk or something of the sort. If you are having a longer battle with temptation to look lustfully at a woman you see frequently, or work with of something of the sort, simply “bouncing eyes” won’t work and you are correct could give off a very in-polite air.

      I’m curious if other readers have any suggestions for how to deal with lust in a personal situation.

  3. My hubby doesn’t ogle or compliment or pursue. I’ve always had the higher drive. I know that he is an introvert, and we’ve recently discovered that his testosterone is on the low side, while still within the normal range. I suspect that these factors have something to do with it. Maybe?
    He shows his love for me in many different other ways. He is physically affectionate and helps willingly around the house.
    But still. I can’t help but feel, deep down, that there is something wrong with me that causes him to show such little interest when I’m getting ready for bed and I’m in nothing but a lacy pushup bra and panties. I feel deep down like I’m not worth pursuing. No matter how much he tells me he loves me.

    • Mama, I really wish you could talk to my wife. I keep telling her that my appreciation and desire for her is a gift. But I don’t think I’ve ever made her believe it.

    • Btw, I distrust the “low side of normal” diagnosis. Often that can mean that a 30-year-old man has the T levels of an 80-year-old. You may wish to re-visit medical intervention with someone who truly understands T issues and takes them seriously. I’d be willing to bet that if your hubby got T supplements you would no longer have this complaint.

    • Mama,
      Thanks for sharing your story! You are not alone. We frequently hear from women who desire to have a better sex life with their husbands, but for some reason or another their husband does not. I have to agree with David S.’s comments that if this has been a persistent issue I would have Testosterone levels checked again. Testosterone levels cycle in all males, with high and low points in the day / month / and yes even in the year. I’ve seen some interesting research on this recently, that I’ll have to include in another post on this issue again soon. If you already know that is was “low normal” during one test, it might be worth doing a full cycle test. Consult a doctor for more info, but that is one option.

      Also if you have not already check out our posts on this subject, both Kate and I have done several. You might want to start with He’s Lost that Loving Feeling http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/hes-lost-that-loving-feeling.html

  4. I first have to say “my wife’s body has changed”. We have been married for 33 years! LOL Yes I know, now you are mad at me. But don’t be. I still love her immensely, and yes I do still ogle and compliment. I see it as maturing, and she is maturing spiritually as well. She is a finer person than I married and what could be bad about that! Oh, I might add that my body has changed in the last 33 years,too, and it is not getting any younger!

    • Evan,
      That is my EXACT point! Thank you! We are to treasure the bride of our youth! Not complain that she doesn’t look that way anymore! I am sure that your wife loves that you still find her attractive after 33 years! Kate and I are working on 13 married and I know I will still love her’s in another 20 years!

      • Hi Evan! This is Kate writing. I think is totally ok for you to say that your wife’s body has channged! I know I have changed and Brad has too, but it does not affect how I love, respect and desire him. As you said, you feel the same way. We have had husbands and wives contact us that think it is ok to fall out of love with their spouse because their body has changed and is not as attractive as when they first married. Good for you for being married for 33 years and still ogling your wife! I think it is awesome and a true testament to God’s plan for the One Flesh journey! Blessings to you and your wife! Kate

  5. I should say, too, that I used to feel guilty when I saw a pretty lady. But I have come to realize that God made her pretty; there is nothing wrong with that. He made me with eyes; there is nothing wrong with that. The second look is my responsibility.

    • Evan,
      I think that is a pretty good description of the difference between “noticing” and “lusting”. It is also, “God made that person beautiful” is another good thought to run through your head while you are walking past. I agree that the second look is our responsibility too!

      I do think that some people can take this type of thinking too far, however. I have heard others argue that they can look on, say the beauty of a scantily clad woman without sin because they are thinking how God made them beautiful. I think that is faulty thinking that is playing with line between seeing and desiring.

      Thanks for your comments Evan!

  6. What if I don’t want to be ogled? I am glad my husband loves me even thought I’m 60 pound over weight and have had 2 children via c-section. But I don’t like the stares, or the comments, or the fondling… I want to be loved and appreciated for me but I feel too often like its only my body he wants…

    • Laura, if your husband isn’t making you feel appreciated as a person, in addition to being attracted to your beauty, then that’s heartbreaking. He has work to do. Appreciating your body should just be one facet of his appreciation, not the sum total of it.

      That said, your husband has only ONE woman he can look on sexually without sinning. And that’s you. He wants to look, because that is how God has wired him. If that is unwelcome, you have put him in a very difficult position and made him much more susceptible to visual temptation. Of course he is responsible for his choices, but you can choose to make his task easier or harder.

      Sounds like both of you need to work to move toward each other. Blessings to both of you.

      • I try not to say anything about how uncomfortable I feel most of the time. He is recovering from a 13+ year pornography addiction. Our relationship has improved drastically over the past year, but we hit streaks where the other intimacies just aren’t being met. I get to my breaking point and try to gently let him know that I need him to not immediately fondle me anytime he goes in for a kiss… but then he is upset and pouty. Yes, we still have lots of work to do…

        • Knew there was much more to the story. (There always is.) I’m cheered to hear of the improvement. Blessings to both of you.

        • Hi Laura! This is Kate! Thanks for writing and sharing part of your story. Thanks also to David for your thoughtful responce. It is hard when you have been hurt that effects everything. I hear your pain and I also see great healing that has accoured. Praise God for the hope and healing he give us.
          Keep working with your hubby. I appreciate that you try not to say anything when you are uncomfortable, but the lines of communication need to open up if there is to be true healing. Sometime share with your hubby your feelings. Try to stay away for accusing and pointing fingers, but sharing openly about how you feel. Your hubby cannot truly know how he is making you feel unless you share with him.
          I would also encourage you to share with him how you feel when he gets all pouty and upset. That while you understand he is clearly upset, that attitude makes you feel worse and pushes you further away. There needs to be intimacy in a marriage that does not always result in sex or heavy sexual advances. That took Brad and I a long time to find this place. But we did get there and it took lots of patience and communication! I praise God for the progress you have made and for your husband’s recovery from his porn addiction. We can relate as our story been touched by porn as well. We will be sharing more in future posts this year. Know that I am praying for you and your hubby! Please feel free to contact us at anytime to talk further. You can email me at kate@onefleshmarriage.com
          Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  7. I’ve been reading on and off since this blog was started…and have been challenged and grown a lot… all that to say..we are taking the 10 day challenge…(when I suggested it to my husband he said “do we have to wait until Feb?) So we are starting it now..today in fact!!! I am excited, and I think it is the jump start I needed…Thanks for the challenge and thanks for making me think and re-think many many things!

    • Wooo Hooo! That is awesome! We are thrilled that you are with us! I whole heartedly encourage you (and anyone else) on trying the extended challenge. I will caution you that back before the blog began Kate and I did the 30 day challenge, and discovered it was just that a challenge!!! Just keep communicating along the way, and hold out some energy to join us February 5th – 14th!

      Blessings to you both!

  8. I am reading ur blog for d very first time! Am I glad I stumbled on it. My story is probably the most pathetic and as I write this my heart so so full of sadness as I am contemplating divorce. My husband does not touch me any more how much more ogle! I am 39 and my hubby is 59 been married for 13 yrs with 3 kids. Sex has more or less disapeared from our marriage and I am frustrated! He has not touched me since august of 2011! Am going crazy with need.we are christians, we go to church together so to onlookers we seem normal but we are far from it! I have not had sex since last year august pls tell me how to bear it. He is not ill so its not as if he has a medical condition. He is just not interested and all the time he says he is tired!I had to hook up with my ex last year and we made sweet beautiful love, the kind I have not experienced in all my 13 years of marrige! You see my ex is also married so its what I want to continue to do. I know its morally wrong, but I had no choice. I prayed and prayed at the time but the need for sex was so strong. Please tell me is possible that prayer can take away the need for sex?befor now I did not know the meaning of masturbation and pornography but th reverse is the case just before I stumbled on this blog I was masturbating. How can I continue in a sexless relationship such as this! My husband is a good father and he provides for us financially our children have the good things of life. But is this enough reason to stay married? Also is a sexless relationship enough reson for a divorce?please help me I am going crazy with need.what can I do,

    • Hi Nene! Thanks for writing and sharing with us some of your stroy. It breaks my heart to hear of the things going on in your marriage, but at the same time I am filled with the hope God has for marriage. There is no chasm in marriage too wide that he can’t cross it and heal it! In your story you didn’t mention counseling. Have you ever approached your husband about seeing a Christian counselor? I would encourage you to do so. They can help you work through these issues. I also would encourage you to seek a medical doctors help. Your husband is almost 60 (although it can and does happen to younger men as well) and could have several medical issues going on that are affecting his sex drive. Men tend to be very embarrassed about such issues and many times will shy away from seeking help. Even at the lose of their sexual relationship with their wife, it seems better then admitting he has issues. I would seek both medical and counseling help, immediatly! I would also encourage you to go to your church for help. Our church family should be a support to us, especially where marriage is concerned. Reach out together to a pastor. If your husband won’t go, talk to a group or pastors and see how they can help you, perhaps even talk to your husband with you.

      As for what to do with your pent up sexual desire. I cannot imagine how hard it has been for you, with a desire that goes unquenched. That being said, you always have a choice! Using the line, “he left me with no choice” just doesn’t work. Is he largly responsible, from what you are telling me, yes, but that does not ever give you a license to step outside of your marriage to be fufilled sexually. You need to find a time to talk to your husband about your affair. You also need to know that to expereince healing and growth in your marriage, means leaving all oursiders-outside of your marriage bed. In mind and physically! We often times think this is incredibly unfair. But if you remember, Paul spoke often of a thorn in his side, in the scriptures. He asked God to remove it often, but we never hear that God did so. Just like Paul, you have something very painful in your life to endure, and I am sure you have asked God to remove it. But many times God allows us to walk through very painful things in life, in order to draw us closer to Him. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you, but right now, God is asking you to walk through it with Him.

      As for masterbation, I do not advocate for it a great deal. But when you are in a sexless marriage, I believe it is ok to talk to your spouse. Share that you have a sexual need to be with him and if he will not prioritze time for that, then you will need a release. Letting your husband know is important because then you are not hiding anything and you are letting him know how much you are hurting, physically and emotionally. I do not believe that pornography should be used, it can only lead to dark places. God did not intend for you to look upon anyone else in a sexual way except for your husband. As hard as that may be, pornography can quickly become an addiction and with all addictions, over time you will need more intensity to achieve a high.

      Lastly with your questions about staying married and divorce. I would again encourage you to seek out your pastoral staff at your church and to seek third party counseling. As well as cry out to God. Pray and seek His word for your leading. Have wise counsel of others around you to encourage you to keep you accountable and to challenge you in the scriptures. It is not an easy road ahead, but with God’s ways, it will bring you blessings. Obedience to His word will be a blessing. Know that you are not alone out there. There are many others who feel as desolate as you do right now. God is the God of second chances. He wants you to rely fully on Him! Please know that I am praying for you and your husband and your family! In Him, Kate

  9. Wow, awesome post.
    I need to say that, yes, I ogle my wife every chance I get. 20 years of marriage , 5 pregnancies and 4 fantastic children, have passed. Nevertheless, she is still the one that raises my heartbeat, and I tell her that every opportunity I get. Now, finally, after years of doing that she starts to believe it. A kiss, a look, a gentle touch ( those famous PDAs.. )and a whisper in her hear, reminding her that she is my best friend, my bride,and my lover. Jokingly, I tell her that if I could paint her red, she would be a Ferrari. I am truly blessed.

  10. Larry,
    Thanks for letting me know! All fixed! I’m glad to hear you are back up and running! Anything to help Husbands be awesome is a good thing!
    Blessings,
    Brad

  11. I was so sad reading this post. I used to feel so good around my husband but he started to let his eyes wander to the point of scoping the environment for women, not just an attractive one who happened to pass his way. His head turns and distraction while with me has left my heart hurt and distant. Please be careful husbands, a wife’s heart is not to be taken for granted.