Right before this year’s 10 Day Challenge, I cautioned husbands about a desire to “add a new page to their sexual playbook.” In 10 Day Challenge Pregame Rules I told husbands that this might not be the time to introduce a new idea into the bedroom. Now that the 10 day challenge is a fond memory (and if there are any couples who turned 10 days into 2 months we would love to hear it), I wanted to revisit this important topic and maybe help guys figure out just how to identify what type of zing they are talking about and the potential of adding that zing into your sex life.
What is this Zing thing?
Call it spice or variety, sometimes every married couple needs a little bit of oomph put back into their sex life. Doing things a bit different can be fun and exciting. A new outfit, a new position or a new location can help to make hearts beat a bit faster. This is one kind of zing that can be a fun way to build the emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage.
On the other hand, I think many husbands have a bigger zing that is lurking in their sexual minds and desires. This zing is the thing that they would love to try but they don’t have a clue how to talk to their wife about this hidden zing. Call it a style, a type (oral sex for example), or yes even a fetish, many guys have a zing they are wondering about.
When husbands do think about this zing they start asking a lot of questions:
- Am I weird because I’m thinking about this?
- Is this wrong?
- Would my wife be interested, or up for in this?
- What would she think if I told her I wanted to zing?
None of these are easy questions, and the problem is some zings might be ok, and others are absolutely not OK.
Which is Zing 1 and Which is Zing 2?
It is your job to identify your zing. If this zing is okay, and just something we are not doing right now, we’ll call it Zing 1. Or, is this zing an out-of-bounds zing, let’s call it Zing 2. Zing 1’s are possibilities. Zing 2’s are not. Your job is to make sure you figure out which zing it is! You can start by asking a few simple questions:
What does God say about it?
There are some sexual absolutes spelled out in the Bible. You can easily recognize a Zing 2 if it crosses the bounds of sex being only between you and your wife. Read carefully, and see what you can discover about your particular zing. You can also carefully search other Christian writers to see what their opinion is on this topic. I say carefully because you can always find someone who supports both sides. Sometimes other’s Biblical research can help to bring understanding in a new light.
Where did I first learn about this zing?
Honesty time guys, sometimes zings are actually something that was first planted in our brains from pornography. If this true it is very possible it is a Zing 2! We do not learn marriage uplifting, God honoring sexually intimate ideas from a tool of satan. Are things that are ok also displayed in porn? I guess, but be very careful here!
How would we feel if we did this zing?
Sex is about intimacy, bringing you and your wife together. God designed it to unite us. Does your zing fit into this picture? How would your wife feel after you have done zing? How would you feel? Would you be more together? Intimate?
Is this something that maybe stretching your sex life a bit, or is this zing way out there? This is a very important point to consider. Many, (but not all) guys have a wider range of activities that are acceptable and could be included in his sphere of sexual desire. Women tend to, have a smaller sphere of acceptable and desirable. Your sex life probably covers much of what is in the smaller circle (not always). If the zing you are thinking about is close to what is already going on then there is a good possibility it is a Zing 1. However, if it is off in left field, then it is Zing 2, at least for right now!
So You’ve Got a Zing 1
Great, now what? Trying the zing before talking is pushing, and is never a good idea! The best opportunity is actually not exactly clothes on, but is in the blissful space the two of you share after sex. Tell your wife, “You know I was just thinking about something we could try, how would you think about zing???” The next step is to listen to what she says. Hear her questions, concerns, or ideas. Then continue talking!
Don’t just hide that Zing
Hidden zings are a problem for marriage. If there is a sexual desire in your marriage that you have not addressed you need to talk about it with your wife or with God. Hidden zings lead to temptation and could send you into sin. Look guys, satan knows what that zing in your head is, and if you leave it in hiding then I promise he will use it to tempt you away from the one flesh marriage that you have. If you have identified it as Zing 1 then figure out how to start talking about it with your wife. If you see it is Zing 2 then you need to start praying that God removes this desire, and think seriously about seeking accountability on this specific issue.
How have you addressed the zings in your marriage?