Brad says…
Over and over again people are finding an old post of ours that has turned out to be one of our most popular. Apparently people all around the world are taking to the web in search of help for sexless marriages. “We Haven’t Had Sex in over a Year!” has been our number 1 post for several months! We receive several comments and emails every month from both husbands and wives who find themselves in sexually absent marriages. In each of these messages there are two themes that are repeated over and over again: “I’m desperate” and “My spouse doesn’t care.”
I think that many people assume a sexless marriage is just a problem for husbands. Honestly we have received emails from just as many women who express the same pain, the same sexual longing, and the same sexual desperation. That being said, this post is directed specifically at marriages where husbands are desiring for more sexual intimacy and the wife is for one reason or another, reluctant.
Sexual Desperation
Fact: Married couples are not designed to go without sex for any long duration of time. God’s word is actually quite clear on this:
“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
(1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT)
The reason for Paul’s abundant clarity in this message is probably because sexless marriages were an issue even back when he with writing. Paul says it as clear as possible; “If you stop having sex, make it only for a short period of time.”
Catch 22
Unfortunately, whenever sex is absent from marriage a Catch 22 quickly develops. No wife wants to feel that sex is just about a physical release, yet the more time that goes on, the more that “need” for physical release becomes a reality.
Wives, you need to recognize that sexual desperation is a real thing. Sexual desire does increase after several days without sex; it will continue to build for several weeks.
Husbands you need to fight this catch 22. Quoting scripture to your wife won’t work. Telling her you are tempted to look elsewhere for sexual release doesn’t help! Saying “I need you” is just not a turn on to low sex drive wife; she only hears “let me use you for my pleasure.”
Reject Apathy
If you feel that your wife is apathetic about sex, or more specifically about your sex life then you need to change your approach. She already knows the 1 Corinthians verse. She knows that it isn’t good for you or your marriage to not have sex. Her lack of knowledge about the need or your desire is not the issue leading to a lack of sex. You need to discover what the real issue is.
Why Doesn’t My Wife Like Sex?
There are dozens of answers to this question here are just a few:
- She doesn’t feel emotionally connected to you
- Sex is painful for her
- Sex is messy
- Sex doesn’t ever feel good to her
- She may be taking a medication which has lowered her sex drive
- She has unrealistic romantic expectations about your sex life
- She has learned to feel shameful about sex
- She has emotional effects from past sexual abuse
- She has too many other priorities that “need” to get done before she is willing to think about sex.
- She may just not really like sex, and doesn’t understand why it is important.
- She may have a hormone imbalance which is causing her low sex drive
Guy’s there are many different reasons that your wife may be refusing your sexual advances. You will never discover what your wife’s reason is by convincing her to say yes one time. You need to give up trying to get her to say yes, and instead try to discover the real reasons why she is saying no. I’m not saying that she is hiding the real reason per say, but more likely that you have not actually asked the right questions.
Sexual Connections
At OFM we often write about the strong connection that happens in a sexually intimate one flesh marriage. If you are living in a marriage where you have sex less than one time a month then you might not know this connection even exists. However, your wife still desires to have a greater connection with you, maybe not a sexual connection, but she is yearning for an increased emotional connection. In order to have a different conversation about your sex life then has happened in the last dozen arguments, you need to emphasize your desire for greater connection.
Explain that your desire is not simply about sexual release, but is a desire for your marriage. Tell her you have been struggling, but then allow her to tell you how she has been struggling. It is so easy for her struggling to be lost because she knows (at least deep down) that having a sexless marriage is a problem. It is essential that you listen to her struggles, listening is the only way to start to get at the root causes of the issue. That is the story that gets lost when you are pressing for sex. Listen. Hear.
Take another look at that only partial list of reasons that might be behind your wife’s refusals to have sex. These are not minor issues; they will not be easy to talk about. You need to be prepared to actually hear about these things. You need to be able to hear, “It’s broke and I’m not sure I ever want our sex life fixed” without going into convolutions. I’m not saying that is where the conversation ends (obviously) but unless you are prepared to have that level of conversation you are not going to uncover the core of the issue.
Coming Soon: What Next… We’ve talked now what…. We’ll give some ideas and links to resources to think about.
And then there are cases when a couple has sex once every 4-8 weeks. In a way I feel like I cant complain because once every 4-8 weeks is better than not at all, but its also far from satisfying. There is absolutely a catch 22 though, because the longer its been since you had sex, the harder it is to talk with your spouse about it, especially if you have had fights over sex in the past (I am a recovering porn addict). We have tried the 10 day challenge twice now. The first time we made it 3 days, the second time we made it one day. Both times a series of unrelated external stressors completely shut down my wife’s desire. Now, I am really reluctant to try it again because I dont want to set my self up for disappointment. How sad is that?
So just to be clear, I do understand that I have some responsibility for our lack of marital intimacy, and I don’t blame my wife for it all. I hardly ever bring up the subject of sex with my wife, and I am sure that our lack of communication on sex is part of the problem. But being a recovering porn addict makes me reluctant to approach sexual topics with my wife … as if im somehow not allowed to have sexual feelings and needs because of my past. Not sure what to do with those feelings.
Another husband,
Thank you for writing! I’m really glad that you did. These stories are the exact reason that I wrote this post. It is important that you recognize that the lack of sexual intimacy is not just “her problem”.
When you say you are a recovering porn addict that means that your wife is recovering too! Unfortunately, this recovery often gets overlooked. Her recovery might look very different then yours has. She needs to get to a place of healing before sexual intimacy will be able to become one flesh again.
I understand the reluctance in approaching sexual topics with your wife given your history, but this is the wrong approach. Your fear is based on the thought that talking about it will hurt her. But the opposite is true, she lived through a time where not talking about it meant that temptation was taking you to pornography. She remembers this, and when you get quiet about sexual desire her worries increase. Talking about it probably brings you more pain, because you are reminded of the consequences of your actions (even if they are forgiven there are consequences).
I recommend that you put aside the uncomfortable feelings and talk about how your recovery is going. Tell her about how you have been tempted, and (hopefully) how you have escaped temptations. (see God’s Exit Ramp for ideas). Then ask her how her recovery is going. You might learn something new!
Keep working on intimacy! It is a journey to together!
Blessings Brad.
(feel free to comment or email me if you want to talk more!)
Great advice. I truly believe that if we understood all the physical, emotional and spiritual benefits involved in sex we would never refuse to engage with one another. That being said, we ALL choose at times to lay aside God’s best and follow our own ways. Sex may not be that issue for you but if we take time for reflection we will find an area or areas that we need to realign to God’s best for us.
Megan
Great post, Brad. It’s so important to figure out why one spouse has a lower sex drive. Exhaustion and low body image are two other reasons that women may not want to have sex.
Nicole,
Great additions to the list especially low body image.
However, I think many women use exhaustion as the reason they give when there are other deeper issues behind. I get being tired, but if you are tired forever then something else is going on and needs to be addressed.
- Maybe he needs to help out more
- Maybe there is other illness
but this needs to be explored if it is ongoing!
thanks for your comment Nicole!
What about when the tables are turned….when you have a husband who has no interest in sex? It has been devastating and is slowly getting worse. I read all about wives who don’t want it…but what about wives who do and husbands who don’t?
Marie,
As I said in the post, we get just as many comments from women as we do from men dealing with this issue.
We did do a post on men with low sex drive: He’s Lost that Loving Feeling and He’s Lost that Loving Feeling part 2
I know it is a very important issue for many wives out there! I hope that these posts help!
I thank GOD for my lovely Bride every day! I have never had this issue in my marriage, and pray I never do. But Brad and Kate no what there talking about, that’s why I have a folder on my desk top just for there stuff. Another great one, keep up the good work!!!!
Minister Miller,
Thank you for your comment! I totally agree there are times that I just have to turn to Kate and say Thank You! I am so very blessed and it is easy to sometimes forget how much of a blessing she is! I aim to never take it for granted!
Could the reasons in your original post above, be the same reasons why Husbands are not willing (or seem to be) to have sex regularly? In our marriage its every 6 weeks or so…if I push it. Could my husband be having the same “thoughts/feelings” or are those strictly referring to woman. (may I add its been just over a year since he last viewed porn, so I’m thinking that we should be more intimate now??)
Anne,
Thanks for your question, the comments have had quite a bit of traffic from women who are desiring more sexual intimacy from their husbands, proving my point in the first paragraph that this is not just a women’s issue.
To answer your question, yes any of those reasons could apply to men too. Some probably more likely then others, and there are some that I would list for guys that are not there (performance anxiety for example). Kate is writing an article to wives who’s husband’s have low desire next, and I’ll post again soon to husbands who have low or no sexual desire for their wife. We know these are really important issues too!
Anne,
I forgot to answer the 2nd part of your question….
I’m only guessing here not knowing your specific situation, but I would guess that if your husband had porn issues, and is in recovery from them, that he would LOVE to be more intimate with you, BUT he probably doesn’t know how to ask. In recovery sexual desire can seem like a double edged sword to a guy. He might be desiring you, but he doesn’t know how to tell you of his desire without raising your fears of his pornography use.
I hope that makes a bit of since, it is a topic I can explore more later in another post…. Please let me know if you have more questions!
its been 5 years since I looked at porn, but I still find it difficult to approach the subject of sex with my wife. Part of it is that when I think of discussing sex with her, images of the pain on her face at the first discovery of my problem come flooding in just as fresh today as they were 5 years ago. Part of it also is that most sexual addiction recovery literature (which I have read a lot of) admonishes us men to give over control of our sex lives to our wives to create trust. Well, I did that, but now I don’t know how, when, or if to take it back.
Perhaps, if your husband tends to be passive/introverted, like me, he may not know how or when its appropriate to start taking control back? If I ever figure that out, I will be sure to share.
Hi Another Husband! Thanks for writing and sharing. This is Kate responding, so my take may be different from Brad’s, but here it is . . . I hear you and completely understand where you feel lke you are in a Catch 22 with taking the reigns again in the bedroom. You are right, and so is the literature (I feel) that there needs to be a time where you hand the reigns over completely to your wife so that healing and trust can begin. You have done a very smart thing within that. Yet it has been 5 years and it is time to start moving forward together in your one flesh connection. Talking about your past will always be painful for both you and her. But if you want to move forward, to grow, then you as the hubby needs to step up-slowly. If you and your wife are in a better place and trust is established, then share with your wife, your desire for her. The desire to show her how much you love her and think she is beautiful. These too, have to be baby steps. You would not want to take steps backwards by pushing to hard.
You being passive/introverted, will definitely make it a bigger hurtle to get through, but you can and I believe your one flesh connection will grow. Truly, your wife wants you to lead her in ALL things-including sex. You are right in that she also wants to trust you in sex. Talk to her, as hard as it is. Share your feelings of devotion and how you want your sexual intimacy to grow and be something very special between the two of you. Then take things slow. You know what she likes . . . wine and dine her. Recommit yourself to wooing her and showing her how much you adore her.
Another big part of making her feel safe sexually, is to make her feel safe emotionally in all other areas! Hold her lots, hold her had, whisper in her ear how much you love her, leave her notes, send her emails, etc.
I believe you can start to slowly take back leading your marriage, even in your sexually intimacy. Know that we will be praying for you and your wife! Blessings, Kate
I, too am in a tables turned situtation. The longest time period has been a month and when we did do anything it was very painful for me. My thing is I can’t tell him that it is paingful without the fear he will pull away more than he has already. I start to feel depressed and not wanted by my husband. This is very much a struggle for me.
Great article. Seems like there is an explosion of sexless marriages in the last few years! Bottom line is we live in a stressed out society. And it comes home with us and into our bed rooms.
Edward,
We are seeing the same thing too, which is why we decided to bring back this article. I’m not sure if anything has really changed though. I’m guessing that at least in North America the nice weather makes everyone think about the birds and bees! Then their awareness that everything else is alive and green kind of reminds them that this part of their marriage is lacking. I hope that some couples can use this info to elevate their marriage and maybe start to get things back on track!
Thanks!
Just wanted to mention that Athol Kay’s Married Man Sex Life (book and blog) has a lot of helpful things to say to men who find themselves in this situation. He is not a Christian and some of his ideas are not acceptable to Christian men, but there’s still a lot to learn there. I really don’t think, for example, that many men have any idea what kinds of things cause their wives to be sexually attracted to them (as opposed to feeling comfortable or happy with them). A lot of Christian men are posting there and saying that they have found ideas that really helped them.
Thanks XY for the resource! Blessings!
Wonderful wisdom in this post. Once hurt, women have a hard time seeing ‘his’ side of things. Re-establishing the emotional connection was paramount in the return of my libido. Just today in my blog, I spoke to married women about the physiological necessity of male sexual orgasm for our husbands to bond with us. Understanding this helped me on our marriage’s road to recovery and success.
Hi Pearl! Thanks for your wise words. We appreciate you sharing them and your blog! Blessings, Kate
Brad,
A few notes:
1. A sexless marriage is defined as a relationship in which sex occurs 10 times a year or less. However, many people feel rejection even when sex is more often.
2. One needs to look at physical reasons before they jump to conclusions. Various medications and issues can lead to a reduction in a person’s sex drive.
3. People need to understand that this is more common than they believe and that there is no shame in this. It is simply something that happens.
Kate,
Thanks for your comment. I’m not sure where your definition of “sexless” is coming from. I would agree that 10 times a year is very minimal, but we have heard from many many couples that have a sex life well under 10!
I agree that it is much more common then we realize, or people want to admit. There is no shame that it happens, but it is very important to pay attention to!
When a marriage lacks sexual intimacy it has vast impacts in other areas of their marriage too! It is very important that couples take this seriously and look at all of the potential causes.
Thanks for your comment!
Brad.
I keep coming back here. It’s hard to be a husband who loves his wife, but she has no interest in sex. She wants to hold hands and a kiss goodbye but anything past that is a bother to her. Its hard to hold her hand in church thinking she won’t go any farther in our marriage. We end up making love every 2-4 months. The problem is that gives me hope, she enjoys it, but then goes another 2-4 months before I can get her to commit. I see why its so easy to give up on a marriage.
Frustrated,
Thank you for your comment! We hear these same sentiments again and again! You are not alone! Don’t give up, but it might be time to switch your strategy.
Stop asking,pleading and begging for sex.
No I’m not crazy. I know you’re thinking if I stop asking we will NEVER have any!
The problem is you are at the point of desperation. You have reached the place where the lack of sexual intimacy causes you to question the whole relationship. The answer is not just to have sex.
Having sex is like giving a cracker to a starving man. It’s nice but it doesn’t change the situation.
Stop asking for sex, and start asking for change in your marriage.
Your wife might not even know that her denial has made you question giving up on the marriage. You don’t even know why she doesn’t want sexual intimacy because she seems to enjoy it. You must start dealing with these root issues.
I encourage you to read “Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change” Hopefully that will give you some ideas of next steps to start the very important conversations!
God Bless! I’m praying for you both!
We can go through all kind of politically correct mumbo jumbo but what I think it really comes down to is this:
The reason your wife won’t have sex with you is because she doesn’t like you anymore.
That, I think, is the cold hard truth of the matter. Now we can delve deeper into the why of it. But really, that’s a different issue.
Does that answer the question for every couple? No. But for probably 90 percent of them, yes.
If she likes you–I mean, really likes you–she can’t wait to spend some quality time with you, in your arms, in your bed.
Adam,
I really appreciate you putting voice to what I think alot of men think. “If my wife won’t have sex with me then she doesn’t like me”.
But I have to disagree with you. This is looking at the issue only through the brain of men. We couldn’t imagine NOT having sex with someone we love. So using that theory in reverse. If she won’t then she doesn’t.
This really is an over simplification of the issue. There are many many many legitimate reasons why some women don’t like or enjoy sex. I say legitimate because they are real, not because it give a “pass” to not work on these issues.
I do agree that sexual intimacy is critical for a marriage! Guess what, the Bible does too.
Yet, just saying “my wife doesn’t want sex so that means my wife doesn’t love me”, is totally missing your 1/2 of the equation. I’m sorry but Ephesians 5:25 does NOT say “Husbands love your wives as long as they have sex with you”. Nope! there is absolutely nothing in that verse about loving in response. In truth it is the opposite, we are to love sacrificially, like Jesus did.
Adam, I really do appreciate your comment because I think that many men feel the exact same way you do! Please keep reading, asking questions and commenting!
God Bless,
Brad
Brad & Kate,
Thank You for your site & comments. I need to say that I am in a “sexless” marriage. It has been over 5 years. Both my wife & I are Christians and we both know what the Bible says about the sexual relationship. I am a minister who is seriously in love with my wife & will stick out the marriage because not only is a life-long committment between my wife & I, but it is covenant between us & God. I do need to say that I have had discussions with my wife with zero results. I am considering giving up the ministry because I feel my house is not in order and I feel I am no longer qualified to be a leader in the church. Please keep us in prayer because I know that miracles can happen.
Danny,
Thank you for your honesty! What a challenging position you find yourself in. I don’t disagree with your thoughts, not because you aren’t qualified, but because I fear the temptation that will come your way. (As you know that is Biblical!).
Does your wife know you are thinking of leaving the ministry and why? Do other church leaders or pastors? Do you have a support system around you that you can discuss these important decisions with?
It sounds as if you have taken all of this very seriously, however, I would still challenge you not to approach your wife with simply the lack of sex. You need to recognize and own that the lack of sex is a reflection of deeper issues. Approaching your wife with only no sex, is approaching only seeking to meet your needs.
Make sure you understand what is lacking in her needs. Only after she says “everything is perfect in our marriage” can you then add the lack of sexual intimacy.
I know that isn’t easy! I would be happy to talk further about it! Feel free to email me. We’ll be praying
Blessings.
Brad
Hi Brad,
I actually first stumbled upon your wife’s posts, but have discovered yours this morning; and I want to say thank you to the both of you. You may have addressed my question elsewhere and have just not found it yet, but here goes.
Is there a point at which a sexless and uncaring wife can be divorced from a Christian perspective?
A little background: We have been married for 10 years, and for the last 9 1/2 years we average having sex twice per year. Giving you some info about my life and wife: we have 3 kids ages 2.5 to 6, she is a stay at home mom, we make enough money, we are very connected in church and a small group, sex is not painful for her (in fact I can count on one hand the number of times she has not had an orgasm during our sexual encounters). About me: I work 40hrs a week, am not fat, I usually do all the cooking, clean the main floor regularly, yard work, etc., I love and engage with my kids and give her time away from them when possible, and love my wife more than I can express.
I have brought up and talked about our sex life every single year, usually a couple of times. Her reasoning for not having sex with me is that she has no desire and that she does not want to just lay there because then she will resent me. I have told her how I feel, how hurt I am, that this is destroying our marriage, and that more than anything I want the closeness and intimacy in our marriage that should be there. We have seen a councilor, been to the Dr. (she does have low T, and is being treated to a point where it is now normal), and about four years ago I told her that if we could not find a way to change things I felt that I should leave the marriage. Well, things changed for about 3 months, and then we got pregnant, and then it was complicated and Dr. says no sex (which I completely got, and was okay with), but after the birth and ever since: back to the old way.
I have just done what I consider to be my last ditch effort and brought in the Church in the form of our Small Group Leader (which she was really, really mad about). I know that God can, and does, change people (I am a living example), but despite years of prayer and asking this has not changed. I believe that she values herself more than anything but her kids and dogs. I do not think that this will make a difference. She thinks that the verses in 1 Cor. 7 do not tell the whole story, that a woman’s body is still her’s too and that she has the right to “protect it”.
All of this is to say that I do not know how to live in a home with a woman I love and want so much, and yet cannot have and who is unwilling to change. I am absolutely willing to see how she reacts the Church (though I think that she might actually want to find a new one after this after I ‘exposed her this way’). If that does not work however I am trying to decide on next steps. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Josh,
Thank you for your comment and your compliments. Your question is not an easy one to answer, but I will try my best.
First. Your assessment of your involvement in the family and emotional connect to your wife is excellent. This is for obvious reasons where I often focus when there is a question of not “enough” sex in a marriage. Given your assessment the only question I would ask is does your wife agree? Would she say that you you “love and engage with your kids and give her all of the time you have possible” and that she feels “loved” by you? I’m going to assume that the answer is yes, she would agree, but that is the first thing to consider.
Second, It sounds as if in the past you were able to take appropriate steps on the path toward change. Visiting the doctor, seeing a counselor. It actually sounds as if you were on a path towards healing until pregnancy occurred. As you said that changes everything. At least for a time. You said “things changed for about 3 months, and then we got pregnant” I know that isn’t a long time, but there was positive change. It is so easy to see and feel the pain of “it returned to the old way” rather then hanging on to the victory of “it changed for 3 months.”
It sounds as if what you need is to take the same steps you did 4 years ago, as an effort to get BACK to the progress you were making. If you (and your wife know) she has medical issues, address them. You’re wife has shown willingness to in the past. If she is ashamed to talk to anyone in church, then go back and find the counselor that helped.
Last but not least, we have written many posts on this topic, check out the OFM Library, and visit the Sexual Intimacy for Husbands and Sexual Intimacy for Wives pages. You might find some additional thoughts and ideas.
I know that doesn’t actually answer your question if is it Biblical to divorce in a sexless marriage. I’m not going to answer that question. If I give you any answer you are either going to love it as proof, or reject it as wrong. The only way you can answer your question is to search it out yourself. Check out scripture, what do you see? Pray, what does God tell you?
Thank you again for writing!
God Bless!
we stopped having sex as soon as my husband’s adult, biological daughter who was given up for adoption at birth began a relationship. At first I encouraged them to get to know each other. It turns out they were attracted to each other and started dating. He flew to her home state and moved her to our home. I had to leave because he moved her into our bedroom. I was sleeping on the couch.
Oh my God….that’s disgusting, sick, and perverted. I’m so sorry. I wish I could slap both of them for you.
Hi Nancy! I wish I knew what to say, but clearly there are no words. Anyone would feel hurt among many other things and then you have the unusual side of that story. Keep relying on God to be everything you need in that darkness! Please know that we are praying for you! Blessings, Kate
Our marrage has been like seeing a bad horrer film. Married 45 years and we hadn’t slept , had sex, intimacy, no sleeping in the same bed all this time. He distances me as far away from me as he can. He eats and sleeps in the basement, and I was told to leave him alone and don’t bother him. As of right now I’m way past my prime for sex, but I have never experienced it so I don’t miss it. But in time it will all end and I will not have to think about the depression, and hate I feel.
My heart breaks for you, Amy. I am so very sorry you have been denied what God intended for you for all those years.
Hi Amy, I second what Andrew has said, my heart truly breaks for you. That is not a situation any person desires to be in. I hope you know that you are loved my Jesus and that he would never leave you or forsake you! Never!
I also want to say that when someone is being mistreated as you are, you have the right to put boundaries in place, therefore placing the ball in your husbands court. If you are uncertain as to how to place boundaries and where, I would find a good Christian counselor and seek their guidance! Please know you are not alone out there! I am praying for you! Kate