The Sexless Marriage Trap

Kate says . . .

We often find that when we write about one side of the issue of low sexual desire in marriage, as Brad did in his post, The Sexless Marriage Catch 22, those who find themselves on the other side comment and ask questions.  In order to understand low sexual desire it is important to always remember that both husbands and wives can and do suffer from this. It is definitely not exclusively a woman or wife issue. Just as both women and men are vastly different in many ways, so can the reasons be for low sexual desire in marriage.  Brad talked about wives who are not having sex, today I want to address some hang-ups when it is the husband who is not having sexual intimacy in their marriage. Lack of sex in marriage is a real issue for the wives married to these men.

Sexual Desperation


Fact: Married couples are not designed to go without sex for any long duration of time. God’s word is actually quite clear on this:

“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT)

The reason for Paul’s abundant clarity in this message is probably because sexless marriages were an issue even back when he with writing. Paul says it as clear as possible; “If you stop having sex, make it only for a short period of time.”

Wife’s Sexual Desire Trap

In our current culture it is accepted and even expected that women are the ones who struggle most with low sexual desire. This is not true and within this deception starts the sexual trap. Husband’s who are not having sex with their wives have been fed and accepted a lie that because women generally want sex less, they will be ok without it. Wives continue this trap by neglecting to talk about their needs and desires. They also accept the lie and think that they are somehow dirty or wrong if they want to have sex more than their husband.

When a husband goes without God’s design for sex in his marriage he is being opened up to a lot of temptation. The same is very true of a wife who is suffering in silence without the deep connection that sex brings both physically, emotionally and spiritually. When a husband believes that his wife is fine, and even happy without sex, he drives a huge wedge of rejection and resentment into the marriage. That rejection and “despair” as many wives describe, opens the door to temptation. A temptation to seek connection, acceptance and release elsewhere and the enticement to get lost in fantasies, view pornography, or enter into an affair is just as real for a wife going without sex as it is for a husband.

Why Doesn’t My Husband Like Sex

  • Low levels of testosterone
  • Problems with or fears of premature ejaculation
  • He may be taking a medication which has lowered his sex drive
  • He has learned to feel shameful about sex
  • He has effects from past sexual abuse
  • Anxiety about impotence
  • Anxiety about causing pregnancy
  • Pornography use/addiction
  • Involved in an affair

This is a list of some of the reasons why your hubby is uninterested in sex. There may be other reason as well, but getting to the bottom of what is causing your hubby to feel this way is essential to healing. While many times it seems that pointing fingers will get your hubby back on the right path, it usually sends them deeper into a tail spin. Resist the urge to point fingers.

Share Your Heart

I have many women contact me and ask “what do I do?” This is such a tough question and I very much wish there was an easy answer. Every marriage is different and there is no absolute answer. There are a few things I consistently recommend:

Pray for Your Husband

One of the toughest things to do in life is pray for those who have hurt you or who you are angry with. If we do pray for them, we tend to share with God a list of all the things they need to do differently.  Believe me, I have been there too. Yet, if we focus our prayers in a different direction, I believe it sets our hearts in a different-much better place. Would marriage without sex still be hard? Yup! I am not going to lie to you. Times may still be tough, but your heart and your focus will be centered on God! Pray that your husband would be blessed. Pray that God would show you ways to love your husband in ways that has no bounds. Pray! Even when it is the last thing in the world you want to do!

Share How You Feel

Instead of pointing fingers and casting blame, share how you feel how you want great things for your marriage.  You need to break the trap by letting your husband know that you have a deep hurt, and longing to be intimately connected to your husband. Share how you want to help your hubby through whatever is going on. Share how much he means to you and how much you value time with him, both Sexual and non-sexual time. Wives, your hubby struggling with low sexual desire needs to know that he is loved in other ways than merely sexually.  It may sound all wrong because he is a guy, but I assure you it is critically important.

Love and Respect Your Husband

Love your husband! This may be one of the toughest pills to swallow, but we tell husband’s who have wives with low sexual desire, to keep loving and serving her as Christ calls him to do. You are called to love your husband and respect your husband, even if he is not meeting his end of the bargain!

Is he sinning when he is refusing to answer God’s call for sex in the marriage bed? YES! We believe he is because of what God’s word says about the importance of sex in marriage. Please don’t misunderstand me, life without sexual connection with your husband feels like desertion and you have every right to feel this way. However, how you handle that emotion, and how you lift up your husband is what God is interested in.  Seek to love and respect your husband always!

Seek Third Party Help

Share with your husband your need to talk to someone about your marriage and sex life. Understand that you are most likely going to meet resistance. Many of you have expressed that this is NOT something your hubby would be willing to do. To that I say, make sure you ask, and it isn’t just your fears speaking. You may just be surprised.

The true goal is to get to the root of the issues and find healing. As our wise blogger friend, Stu Gray said in his post Help Each Other Up, it has to be you and your hubby against the “challenge” not you against your hubby!  If you battle together against whatever is causing your husband’s low desire, you have opened up for God to work within your one flesh connection.

I would love to hear from wives who are on the other side of this challenge.  It can be a source of great encouragement!  Share with us in the comment section, how you and your hubby overcame his low sexual desire struggles.

224 Responses to The Sexless Marriage Trap
  1. Peacefulwife
    April 19, 2012 | 8:01 am

    This is such a painful subject! I experienced this in my own marriage – and I would like to encourage wives… there is hope!
    For us, when I finally learned to respect my husband and to graciously allow him to lead instead of taking over and telling him what to do – his desire for me returned! A husband who is feeling disrespected may have issues with lack of desire for his wife. Thankfully, God showed me that my negativity, criticisms, and controlling tendencies were sabotaging the emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy I wanted so much and since I have been obeying God’s commands for me as a wife, the intimacy on every level has been restored to more than I could have hoped for!
    It is SO hard to feel rejected over and over and to feel unwanted sexually by our own husbands. The pain is REAL.
    I am praying that God might heal other marriages as He did ours!

    • Joanna
      January 10, 2014 | 8:41 am

      Your post is extremely helpful to me. I’d be really grateful on any additional advice you can offer me, any passages for example that were really helpful, ore on your behaviour change. Thank you

    • quieta
      April 1, 2014 | 9:23 am

      Thank you so much for this post

  2. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
    April 19, 2012 | 9:56 pm

    It is far more common than many think for the wife to have a higher desire than her husband. You make some fabulous points! I also think that asking questions is good. For instance, what does your husband think a good sex life looks like? A wife might uncover issues by asking some questions. Thanks, Kate!

    • Bill
      June 12, 2013 | 7:04 pm

      I don’t believe it. After 9 years of marriage my wife could take it or leave it regarding sex and she usually leaves it almost every time. I rarely bug her about it anymore. We’re in counseling but all that becomes is a vent or just an expensive chat. have things gotten better? Sure. But it’s going at a snails pace 1.25 years after her infidelities. The rest of our marriage is pretty awesome, but it’s hard to see it when the sex life is miserable. I don’t think the majority of women understand how foundational the sex life is to a man’s overall well-being individually and relational speaking. It’s of tatamount importance. If your guy isn’t into sex, then I’d wager more often than not it’s a physical or psychological issue. If it’s a woman, then it’s likely an emotional or pscyhological issue.

      • david
        November 11, 2013 | 6:34 pm

        I have been married to my wife for just 8 months and since that time we have only had sex about 3 times. Previously we had been living together for about a year. She used to say then once we get married it will all change sex would become more of a desire. In fact since we were married its worse. I feel rejected, lonely, unfulfilled and useless as a husband. I have a high sex drive and because of this when I talk to my wife about it she simply says “I need prayer” Im not sure what to do whether to leave my wife or begin to watch porn or even think about finding someone esle. This no sex in my marriage as affected my faith to the point of backsliding. Im not sure what to do.

        • Hope
          January 1, 2014 | 3:28 am

          Hi David,
          Having a healthy sex life and regular sexual relations and making love is necessary. As a female I miss the physical connection and beautiful release of loving my husband sexually. ..the giving sharing and receiving..all of it. I am very sad and lonely. I long for him, I love him. But there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. Everything you are feeling is normal David. I have no advice. I am in the same boat. I would caution allowing this to turn in to years and years of mourning the loss of experiencing sexual pleasures with your wife. I’ve had many years wonderful years with my guy. Even so I am in my prime and I am not interested in giving up. I wish I could tell your wife how lucky she is. I hope things work out for you David and her. I am a Christian and I love the Lord I do. But living like this is making feel sad day in and day out nothing changes. The emotional and physical longing is acute. This part of our marriage is a tragic loss for me and it affects other areas. I feel like his roommate and a really good friend. I don’t know what to do either.

          • Allison
            January 29, 2014 | 9:27 pm

            I am in the same boat with my husband but I need to take account and act on prayer , etc, everything mentioned here.. because we haven’t had sex in years, and I’m tired of us robbing ourselves of God’s gift of sex in marriage.. another obstacle to overcome.. we need to help each other.. God Speed

        • Sam
          March 9, 2014 | 7:20 am

          This “She used to say then once we get married it will all change sex would become more of a desire.” is a real problem. The speaking of possible better times ahead that then don’t materialise is a dashing of hope. This has happened to me. At age 50 with 15-20 years of dashed hopes behind us, am I to believe my wife now when she says better times are ahead?
          She still sees any attempt at solving the problem as an attack on her rights to say no. I’m beyond believing that things could be better ahead. She wants to protect herself from me (and I never harmed or forced her in any way). Somehow she seems to see it as all about keeping control of her boundaries. With this attitude, it is not a shared language of love, but a battle of will over resistance, and not one that makes me feel intimate at all.

  3. Andrew
    April 20, 2012 | 7:29 am

    I wonder how common it actually is though? I shared the subject of this post with my wife last night (because she asked me what I was reading), and she scoffed at the concept. She doesn’t believe that there are women with higher drives than their husbands because she is in her 40s and has never in her life had a conversation with a woman who has that problem.

    Of course, its a touchy subject for us because my drive is much, much higher than hers, and whenever I mention an article about libido differences in marriage to her (either way), she immediately goes on the defensive for fear that I am trying to guilt her into having more sex. Needless to say, this makes communication on this subject very difficult for us!

    However, back to my original point, and that is that most low drive spouses don’t see their low drive as a problem. And further, they believe that stories where the shoe is on the other foot to be manufactured and intended to create a guilt trip. In that case, all you can do is keep your expectations low, or pray for a solution from God. But for those of us brought up in a mainline protestant denomination, it seems sacrilegious to pray that God will grant you more sex, even if its with your spouse.

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 8:48 pm

      Hi Andrew! Thanks for sharing. To be honest, I used to wonder as well. Yet since we have been doing OFM, I have met many women (some through email and some in person), that this is very much their reality. There are many reasons men experience low libido, but they are there.

      You are very right in that the lower drive spouse does not usually see their low drive as a problem. Or if they know it is problem they have no idea what to do about it. Sometimes they know what they should do about it and do not want to do what is required. There are many reasons, why these marriages are still at a stallmate. Brad and I were in this place for 5 years of our marriage. Then we spend another 5 years-better-but not great for sure!

      I think that God wants to know the desires of your heart-even about sex. I know that it seems to be against what you may have been taught, but it is completely ok to talk to God about this. Yet at the same time, focusing on what and how God wants you to love your wife as Christ loves the church should be your main focus. I know, that is so hard when you are feeling sexually frustrated and rejected in many ways. I wish I had a quick fix answer for you and the many, many couples that have contacted us and are having the same struggle. Yet, God is the God of hope, healing and restoration. Hold fast to that and to Him! Know that we are praying for you!

      Blessings to you and your wife! Kate

      • Anonymous
        July 12, 2013 | 1:44 pm

        Andrew, your wife is in denial. I am a wife sufferer…no sex for almost a year; we are both 55. I have vacillated back and forth as to whether or not to stay. In all other aspects, the marriage is good. I also don’t agree that a woman should suffer the passive-aggressiveness of this behavior, which is what it is. It is not God-centered. I am grateful for this article. Anyone who thinks prayer wasn’t a first thought for solution is wrong. Is anyone familiar with the term ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’?

    • Allison
      January 29, 2014 | 9:38 pm

      Tell your wife I am living proof of being married, wanting sex with a man that has a low sex drive.. we are out there as women trust me…I am in the same boat with my husband but I need to take account and act on prayer , etc, everything mentioned here.. because we haven’t had sex in years, and I’m tired of us robbing ourselves of God’s gift of sex in marriage.. another obstacle to overcome.. we need to help each other on this forum.. I’ve had my first crush on a guy for almost a year now and finally got to the point where I unfriended him on my Facebook account. Believe me I don’t think he was interested in me although he’d flirt with me, give me attention and I liked it.. I ran with it.. we belong to a club and that’s how I met him.. nothings happened but what’s scary is that this is the first time in my marriage I felt close and attracted with someone of the opposite sex and it started to make me nervous… I go to different club events where he isn’t and its better that way..but wow..I started back into counseling over this so this website really helps..

  4. Anonymous
    April 20, 2012 | 8:57 am

    Andrew, the problem exists, our marriage has done a complete flip flop in the last little while and I am at a loss as to how to fix it. Sometimes I think it is my punishment from God for having rejected my husband for so many years. But I honestly don’t believe that because I know God doesn’t work that way. You say in the article that withholding sex is a sin. But I am wondering what about just not wanting it as often as me. You see we have sex at minimum 3x a week, but for me it just isn’t enough. I am trying so hard to work on what feels like selfishness to me, but my fear is if I try to shut down my drive to make it easier on him, we will go back to the old way and I don’t want that either.

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 8:55 pm

      Hi Anonymous! Thank you for sharing some of your story. I greatly appreciate your willingness to share!

      The withholding sex as a sin . . . is talking about one spouse that (for one reason or another) withholds sex most of the time. When you have a spouse who is lower libido and is trying (even if it is not what the other spouse wants), then no I would not say they are sinning. It seems like a fine (very gray) line I realize, but it is the withholding for great periods of time that we feel is sin. Of course, it is God who decides our hearts and how we are handling the blessing of sex in our marriage.

      Trying to figure out how many times a week is enough for the higher libido spouse and agreeable to the lower libido spouse is something we get asked all the time. Good communication, trust and putting your spouses needs before your own are some of the best ways. Yet as we all know sex is very emotional. So all of the decisions we make surrounding sex, effect our one flesh connection and how we handle and feel about sex in the future. Keep diving into God’s word about being a wife and asking God to reveal to you His heart for your marriage. It is not easy, but God’s plan for marriage is full of hope and healing. Please know that we are praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate

    • Andrew
      April 26, 2012 | 7:57 am

      Having sex 3 times a week seems like an unattainable fantasy to me!! I wish it were so often for us! We have sex once a month on average, but then I read about people who havent had any sex in years, and I start to think my problem pales in comparison. Still, for each one of us in a low sex marriage, our problems appear huge because they are right here with us, all the time. Honestly, as it was said before, communication is the key, but communication about sexual issues is hard, and even harder in a low-sex marriage. Unfortunately, this is one area in marriage where you BOTH have to want to change before any change will take place, so if your spouse does not want to address the issue, (or worse thinks that there is no issue), there is nothing you can do but pray, and lower your expectations. And seek encouragement form other Christians–which is exactly why I am reading Christian marriage blogs.

      • David S.
        June 4, 2012 | 2:06 pm

        Once amounts to 12 times a year, and that or less is the clinical definition of a sexless marriage. The problems of others are worse, but you do indeed have a problem. Talk to your pastor (and involve him if necessary), read good books like “Boundaries” (Cloud, Townsend) and “Intimacy and Desire” (Scharch) and try to formulate a plan. You’re suffering, but your wife is sinning, and to leave her in her sin is not loving.

      • David S.
        June 4, 2012 | 2:06 pm

        Once a MONTH — I meant to say.

        • handle with care
          September 16, 2012 | 2:36 pm

          I love what was said earlier about sharing your vision of what you would like to attain as a couple-the increase of intimacy in mind, spirit and body that sexual union symbolises. I eventually did this with my husband of thirty years. It hasn’t been easy, but way better than what we had before. He has expereinced from time to time how great that can be, and does miss it when we withdraw from each other. Our issues remain but we are better able to see them as challenges to our relationship.

  5. kay
    April 20, 2012 | 10:05 am

    Talk about painful. My husband and I have had issues from this from the beginning. I even followed the steps outlined. Praise God he gave me 4 children to help my broken heart and spirit over these years. I didn’t know until a few months ago, after 13 years of marriage, that my husband has been dabbling in pornography the whole time. While he always thought he had it under control, only viewed once in a while, it did escalate and any desire for me was killed by a growing addiction. When we did have sex, he wouldn’t look at me, would cover me up or do as much as possible without undressing me. No woman can live up to the fantasy of silicon enhanced, touched up, wanting pictures. Because of his secrets and viewing, I think he couldn’t see past his own selfishness. Even though I shared my heart through the years, sought counseling he kept this very dark secret. Well, we are working on a very long road of restoration. I tell you it is a daily choice to hope and not despair. It is a choice to not fall into the old agreements that I am dirty for wanting sex, unattractive to be desired and deeply rejected. I was so fooled into thinking pornography was never an issue, I will always suggest that a woman look into this possibility if this scenario exists. It is rampant and 70% of church going men are dabbling with this destruction. God can heal a broken heart and I can tell you that he never, never lets you go.

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 9:04 pm

      Hi Kay! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It truly breaks my heart, yet at the same time gives me great hope. You are very right that bringing pornography into the light needs to be done and what Satan most wants us not to do! Pornography is a real issue in many, many marriages! I think the statistic of 70% is low, but that is just an opinion. If there are low libido issues in your marriage, it would be advisable to open up and talk to your hubby about this possibility. Yet at the same time, I don’t want to imply that all husbands who have low libido issues are dealing with pornography.

      Kay, your own recovery from the emotional side of pornography is very real. It is very hard to think about those images and then feel good about yourself. Yet, you are deeply beautiful and desired by God above all. Keep reading His word for you and reminding youself that He loves you very much. You sound like an amazingly strong women to me and I pray that you and your hubby find yourselves moving forward in hope, healing and your one flesh connection. It is only through God that we can find that and you are so very right-He will NEVER leave you alone. You or your husband! Know that we are praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, kate

  6. Pamela
    April 20, 2012 | 3:04 pm

    Sexless marriages are more common than most people think. The cause of lack of sex could be caused by other problems in the marriage. Pray is definitely good and problems need to be talked about. You made some very good points in this post.

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 9:05 pm

      Thanks Pamela! Blessings, Kate

  7. Rose
    April 21, 2012 | 1:18 am

    Thanks for this post-it is some more than needed encouragement for me.

    I started reading your posts shortly after my husband and I got married last May. I was struggling with his lack of desire (especially as newlyweds) when I found Brads older post on this subject.

    We will be married for a year in exactly 1 month and we still struggle with this. We are both young, so I don’t quite understand his lack of sex drive, but it’s been a deep struggle. I crave the emotional connection with him and have talked with him several times about it-nothing has changed. Since we’ve been married, we’ve both been through a lot of stress (moving to another state and starting new jobs), but I seem to be the only one wanting to “connect”.

    I appreciate the openness offered here. The things you and Brad are able to speak about definitely gives me hope that one day my husband and I may have the intimacy that God intended. For now, I just have to keep praying and trusting that God has a reason for this season in our lives.

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 9:10 pm

      Hi Rose, Thanks for writing and for sharing! Being newlyweds you two have the advantage of not letting a whole ton of years go by without talking about it and getting some help. I would really stress talking about your feelings and that sharing sex together will grow your marriage. Just don’t give up and don’t stop talking about it together. Even if times are hard and you are still communicating, then you are bringing light to the struggles. Once you stop talking, you are allowing the struggles to hide in the darkness. God wants good things for your marriage and intimacy. Please know that we are praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate

      • Liz
        June 15, 2013 | 11:46 am

        Hi Rose & Kate,
        I am struggling so much. I am so full of anger & feel like crying all the time. I’ve kind of come to the point that there’s no point in sharing my feelings anymore. He doesn’t seem to remember or care enough to remember when I express to him my needs. His needs always take precedence; like he is tired & has to go to be ready for work. We are also newlyweds, and I never dreamed this would be a problem. I waited for marriage.
        So I’m at the point of not wanting to talk about it & just need to turn to God & pray. Let Him work on it.

  8. KT
    April 21, 2012 | 8:42 am

    It is a very real problem for women too! it’s insulting for someone to suggest that this is a male only problem. I spent the first 15 years of my marriage feeling utterly unloved. I sought ended up involved in porn and having more than one affair. There’s no excuse for my behavior I know but being a woman with this problem I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. The few times I did try to talk to some older ladies in my church and explained that my husband was a workaholic, they just laughed and told me to be thankful he was working instead of being after me constantly for sex!! It wasn’t until I reached my late 30′s that I really began discussing these issues with my husband…I mean really discussing why he turned me down so often. He began to realize that he had wrong ideas about sex because of his strict upbringing. it didN’t happen overnight but things are finally so much better for us!

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 9:13 pm

      Hi KT! Thank you so much for sharing your story! It is something others need to hear. You are one brave lady for sharing. I pray that you and your hubby can find hope and healing in your one flesh connection. It is a very real issue and yet there is no problem so big that God can’t heal it! Thank you again for sharing and blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  9. Bill
    April 21, 2012 | 11:59 am

    I must admit to a certain amount of schadenfreude. To hear women lamenting a lack of sexual intimacy is almost comical. I don’t know what it is about Christians that makes them love so very much to dance around the edges of a problem.
    “There is a problem with porn!”
    “There is a problem with ______!” (Fill in the blank with the vice of the week)
    I could go on but you get the drift.
    When in fact every Sunday 80 to 90% of the married men you see are indeed leading lives of quiet desperation. They are sleeping 6” from the woman they love. The ONLY woman on the planet they can have sex with and remain true to their marriage vows and their religion and she will not make love to him.
    Let us say that again “she will not make love to him.”
    Oh, she will occasionally let him masturbate in her vagina but she will not make love to him.
    Solve that problem first and most of the little problems will go away on their own.
    And only women talking to other women can solve this problem.

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 9:18 pm

      Hi Bill, thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts. I hear what you are saying and the hurt and frustration behind what you are saying. Yet as you can see from the other comments here, it is a very real problem. That is not to make light of the issue of wives who have low libido or who deny their husbands sexually-that is a very real problem as well. Yet it does not invalidate or make wives without sex, less hurtful or important. There are too many hurting marriages in this world to point fingers and say “Your problem is not as big or as real as my problem!” The reality is that low libido wives (and the hubby’s they are married to) and low libido husbands (and the wives they are married to) are both real, yet usually vastly different in causation. Not always, but usually! Helping the hurting marriages as well asn growing and strengthening marriages is what we are all about here at OFM, as well as sharing our story. We can all work togther to grow marriages and therefore grow all else in God’s kingdom! Blessings, Kate

      • Bill
        April 25, 2012 | 4:03 pm

        Bill’s reply to Kate:
        Thank you so very much for responding. Let me make a few observations.
        I never said it is not a real problem for women to have the higher libido. For them personally of course it is a problem but for society the percentage is so low as to not merit a great deal of resources at this time. My guess is that if society made a real effort to solve the sexual problems in marriage, taken as a whole, this problem would be solved automatically.
        Point of fact is that my problem is in fact bigger and more important than yours and it is absolutely more real in terms of the effect it has on society.
        All of that having been said, thank you and yours for what you are doing with this blog. It is a great step in the right direction. I would add, though I am loathe to do it, the ship is sinking so let’s stop rearranging the chairs and solve the big problem.

        • Kate
          April 25, 2012 | 5:21 pm

          Hi Bill, thank you too for responding to me! I hear you and I do agree that husbands with low libido issues is a smaller percentage then wives with the issue. Yet I feel it is in fact a larger minority. Especially to the women who are in these marriage and the husbands for that matter. I was curious about your comment “Point of fact is that my problem is in fact bigger and more important than yours and it is absolutely more real in terms of the effect it has on society.” I would love to hear more about this, because to be honest I am not sure if what I think you are saying, is in fact what you are saying. So clarity would be great, to help me better understand.

          I agree that solving the problem is the key, yet every marriage is different and there is no quick fix. Do you have thoughts on how this could be changed easily? I honestly would love to hear them! If we as society (especially the Christ-followers) were to work hard to fix the sexual problems in marriage, I believe all areas of ministry and life would grow and flourish. It is the exact reason why Brad and I are huge advocates for making Marriage Ministry a BIG priority in our local churches. If we put as much time and effort into marriages (much focus on sex) as we do children, teens, and singles (which are all vastly important ministries) we believe we would see all things grow in the church. Kids would be much more grounded and self assured, singles would want to wait for the one God has waiting for them (there are exceptions of course-given that there is free will)! Strong, healthy, sex filled marriages have the ability to impact EVERYTHING! So we agree with you wholeheartedly on that!

          Thanks again for sharing and would love to hear your thoughts on my above questions! Blessings Bill! Kate

          • Bill
            April 26, 2012 | 4:24 pm

            Thank you for the reply. I am somewhat embarrassed to say that what I was actually doing was responding to your sleight (one that I do not think you intended) that because it was women with the problem it was somehow elevated in status. Sorry about that.
            To explain my “Point of fact” comment – We can tell by some of the other comments that the women being rejected by their husbands are caused to have a great deal of emotional pain. I believe that because a man’s sense of self worth is so closely tied to his sexuality that the effect of rejection is much more profound for a man. Imagine several million men going to work each day that have been rejected by their wives continually for many years. How many car accidents or work accidents were ultimately caused or affected by the depression or just plain old bad feelings that they carry around every waking moment from this rejection? For example: One of my daughters once told me that even as a child she and her siblings knew that dad was very, very sad but they did not know why. If my children could see it then don’t you think it had a profound effect on my behavior and thoughts 24 hrs a day? (she told me this about 5 yrs ago, I am now 60 and she 31.
            And because there are many more men with this problem than women and because there are more male breadwinners than women and because the effect is more severe I think it a much more serious, more important and larger problem. I hope that explains my words. I am not very good at this writing thing.
            As far as the “fix” is concerned I have actually been giving this a great deal of thought for many years. I have decided that bold gestures and so-called marriage ministries are not a good thing because they wind up being theatre rather than actually accomplishing anything. Not that they don’t occasionally accomplish something but it is very little bang for too much buck. No follow up statistics either except for McManus, whose approach I also like.
            So my proposed solution is a simple suggestion given by the preacher every few weeks.

            The preacher says:
            Marriage is the most important relationship on earth.
            If you are having problems in your marriage get help.
            See me for suggestions as to where to get the help.
            If either one of you thinks there is a problem then there is a problem.
            If you are the spouse that does not want to go to counseling then you are currently the bigger part of the problem.

            I believe that if this were repeated often enough, say every third Sunday, you would begin to see a systemic change in the attitudes of the married couples in the congregation and they would begin to seek help. The least reluctant would go first and the most reluctant may never go at all but I think the results would be contagious and the more successes you have the more momentum will build and I believe it would grow geometrically. Obviously there are some problems to be overcome before you could put this in place but you see where I am going with this. The goal is to give very subtle incentives to both parties to get counseling. The incentives are, 1. permission to get help and 2. not be shamed by not going to counseling.
            Finally, it is my contention that if you develop a reputation for building marriages and solving the money and sexual problems in marriage you couldn’t build a church large enough to hold everybody that wanted to come.
            Sorry for the length. I cut it as short as I could.

          • Brad
            April 26, 2012 | 5:09 pm

            Bill,
            I want to jump in here too. I hear the pain that you are coming from, it is significant and not to be undermined. Fortunately, because there are more marriages that deal with the issue of a wife with low sexual drive there is heaps of information out there on that topic. In fact We’ve posted multiple times about this, for example Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change or We Haven’t Had Sex In Over a Year“.

            Just because a husband with low sex drive is less common it does not mean that it isn’t a huge issue to address in marriage. I also add this is not just for women, when a man has low sex drive all he hears about is that’s not “manly”. Saying that men don’t have this issue only compounds it! We need to address both sides of the coin!

            I really do hear your pain, I only ask that you not allow your pain to color your impression of what others are going through!
            Blessings!
            Brad

          • Kate
            April 26, 2012 | 7:40 pm

            Hi again Bill,
            Thanks for explaining further! It seems my hubby has chimed in as well . . . I hear all that you say and to be honest, I don’t disagree with most of what you have said. I have admitted many times on our blog that for 5 years of our marriage I struggled with low libido and did not fully understand myself, or the effects I was having on Brad. God has broken me of these things and now I am one of the biggest advocates for you husbands out there. I am always sharing with wives, that sex (and not just showing up physically) NEEDS to be a priority in your life and marriage. I talk about it so much, that wives have come to expect it from me! I have shared the reality of not making it a priority and sharing one of the biggest blessings with THE BEST give you have ever been given-your hubby! So you will not catch me disagreeing with you one bit. I also think your visual is a great one proving that yes, men’s sex lives effect everything about them. When they are not connected to their wives in this way-the impact is deep and lasting.

            On the other side of the coin (which I am also just as passionate about) are the women who are starving for sex and the emotional connection that it brings. Women tend to have less of the “physical” need and more of the emotional, yet when a wife has been deprived for long periods of time, by the one person she is aloud to share this blessed connection with, it becomes an increasingly physical battle. They are hurt emotionally by being pushed away, yet they are NEEDING the physical connection as well. Just how God designed it. To say it is less physical then men, I agree, but from what these women are sharing, when it is absent-it is just a poignant!

            I also think that the visual of a wife who is constantly rejected and pushed away by her husband, has to get up every morning and either go to work or be at home with her children. A wife that feels unloved and is craving sex with her husband is bound to be just as much of a depressed powder keg with her children. I would imagine her children know something is not right, just as your daughter always knew. I believe that will greatly affect how she raises her children. How she teaches them about God-her husband being the example. How she teaches them about marriage and how husbands care and provide for their wives. All that she does with those children will be colored by her husband stepping out of his role of the intimacy mate for his wife. The same will be true of her in the working environment, though I would doubt it has as many effects on the future as her children (just my opinion of course). So I believe that the women who is craving the physical love of her husband will be affecting many generations to come and setting a sad example that her children will likely follow. The effects are, in what I see, just as devastating. Would love to hear your thoughts on this!

            I too agree 110% that it is the churches place to step up to the mic and start preaching! Loud and clear! Brad and I have been saying for quite sometime now, that making marriage ministry one of the top priorities in church is a must-yet so few churches do! If you help marriages navigate sex and all else-you will strengthen marriage and then in our opinion, you will strengthen every other ministry in the church!! Start with the MOST important relationship that God has created (outside of our relationship with Him) and you will see the trickle down effect on everything else! We have one very limited chance to teach our children what a one flesh biblical marriage is, and the truth is many of us a failing. Which means we are setting up our children to fail-but for the grace of God! It is our hope and prayer that every church, big-small and in between will step up and make this a priority!

            I never meant for one second to say that wives with low libido and their starved husbands is less of a problem then wives with husbands who deny sex! Never! Yet at the same time, my only disagreement is that (husbands with libido issues and their starved wives )it is just as profound and effecting just as much as your side of the coin! That is all I was trying to say in my responces to your comments. I wrote this post, because to be honest with you, we get many emails with women crying out in depression and despair about their husband who will not touch them and reject their advances. We also get many from husband in the same situation and it truly is gut wrenching for me!

            So those are my thoughts . . . keep the dialogue coming! We are bringing light to the situation and that is most important! Satan wishes for us to keep it all in the dark!

            Blessings to you Bill, Kate :)
            Also, I am not sure if you ever read this post, but it was pretty pressing on the wives who deny their husband sex!

            http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/07/we-havent-had-sex-in-over-year.html
            http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/07/sexual-intimacy-journey-from-broken.html

  10. Bradley
    April 21, 2012 | 5:25 pm

    I have the opposite problem, my wife does not want sex or intimacy – I feel for every woman out there where their partner does not want to be intimate, it is a very lonely place to be and experience.

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 9:20 pm

      Hi Bradley! Thanks for writing and for sharing! You are also not alone out there, there are many husbands who are in a similar situation as you. Please know you are not alone. We have writtin many articles on low libido in wives, because I (in the past) struggled greatly with this. Search through our archives and read through some of those and feel free to email us anytime if you would like to talk further! Blessings, Kate

  11. Rob
    April 22, 2012 | 2:13 am

    Andrews, have a look at this thread:
    http://marriage.about.com/b/2008/01/07/is-your-husband-not-interested-in-sex.htm

    It’s pretty heartbreaking stuff, but it should put to rest any idea that this is only a guy’s problem.

  12. Amy
    April 22, 2012 | 11:02 pm

    My husband and I only had sex once in 45 years. That was on our wedding night the first and last time.I don’t think he ever loved me. He thought that sex was disgusting, meaningless, no excitment. He never even sleep the whole night with me on our wedding night. He stayed in bed maybe an hour, then sat the rest of the night out on the patio.After our wedding night he decided he was moving all of his things to the basement where hes been all these years. Also he volenteered to work midnights to be away from me, he worked 40 plus years on nights. Currently we live like apartment dewellers, he has his life and I have mine. I’ve accepted the fact that I will be lonely and depressed for ever. In my 60s now and I’ll just let my life run its course.

    • Kate
      April 24, 2012 | 9:27 pm

      Hi Amy, Thanks for writing and sharing! It breaks my heart to hear your story and others like it. I pray that God will give you peace that surpassing all understanding and be your comfort. You are always first in His heart and affections. I cannot imagine what it is like to be in your postion, not the lonliness and despair. Please know that I am praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate

  13. Kami
    April 25, 2012 | 1:42 am

    My husband and I have been married for just over 2 years now. I can honestly say that I don’t think we’ve had sex even 2 dozen times. Yeah, we had sex before marriage. We dated for 6 years before we got married. The first year and change we practically lived together and always had sex; although, even now, I can see by looking back over that period just how much certain aspects of intimacy were greatly lacking. Then after that initial period of time, we decided that living outside of God’s will was very wrong and we were suffering in different aspects of our life because of the disobedience. That didn’t make the drive between us go away nor did everything stop right away but over the years we learned inordinate amounts of self control. We still had our moments but we really learned how to avoid them. Anyways… The week before we got married we were practically chomping at the bit and ready “to go.” But we restrained ourselves. I swear the moment we said “I do,” and got to the reception the desire was gone from my husband. When we got back to our hotel, he had to be taken to the church (1/4 mile away) to get his car. He didn’t come back for about 1-1/2 hours, and I was fuming. He said he dropped his ring and it took him 20 minutes to find it. The other hour and change he went to visit his parents in their hotel room! And they didn’t even push him out and he didn’t even have the nerve to call me. I had to beg him that night to do anything with me since he was tired. And it was perfunctory. I feel like i should have known what to expect since then. We went on our 4 days of honeymoon. Our first night there the sex was expected, but it was I who initiated it. After that night we had sex once more. The rest of the time was whatever. There was no desire whatsoever. The first 3 months of our marriage (after the honeymoon) we had sex maybe once or twice. Since then it’s maybe a week with two maybe three times every 3-6 months. Seriously. I have brought it up with him so many times with every emotion from indifference to calm to anger to frustration to pleading to desperation, etc. I think he has initiated maybe once or twice at the most. The sex was good maybe once or twice during the whole marriage. It’s all been perfunctory. No foreplay from him. He doesn’t even make sure I’m “ready” usually. Not that he’s mean. He’s not. It’s just blah. I try to get a bunch of gusto up for it. And sometimes he plays along a little but mostly whatever.
    To get a kiss from him that is more than what he’d give his mother or a stranger is like pulling teeth. His back hurts. His neck hurts. He’s gotta do this or that. If I ask him to touch me, to maybe put lotion on my back, I feel like I committed a cardinal sin. If he does it at all, it’s with some complaint. And if I say anything he says, “I did it, didn’t I? I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to.” That’s all fine and true, but it’s the attitude. I know him well. Better than almost anyone else in this world. I know when he wants to do something and when he doesn’t.
    I could keep going on, but there’s no point. We are like roommates- good friends who get to sleep and walk naked with each other. Our lives are not in unity with the important things at all. We can talk as long as it’s about a video game, a gun or some monument to the past or tv show, etc. Nothing really important- except for when he will talk about us (like 3 times since we got married) or the good conversations we’ve gotten into about God.
    I am struggling. I love to read, and started reading erotica with the images of me and him in place of the characters. Well usually, not always. This is a sporadic behavior because when I really let it hit my heart what I’m doing I get really disgusted with myself, and confess it to the Lord. (Ever feel like the number 1 consumer of God’s grace? I often do.) I have been on porn sites, etc. I always manage to disgust myself and get off and be good for a long time. Then the rejection gnaws at me. And when that eventually wears me down, I start with the attitude. I don’t care if he eats, is taken care of, etc. I mean I do, but the point is that I start not caring whether he is taken care of because he doesn’t take care of me in the most basic ways of intimacy, affection, romance, unity, etc. Like I said he isn’t cruel and unkind, but he only lets me in so far then after that everything better be surface.
    I am stuck in the house all the time. I can’t find a job (not even as a cashier). This creates tension with us because we are so broke and about to claim bankruptcy. He gets depressed because we are broke and he feels less than a man. We are both battling depression. But he really lets it take a hold of him.
    I tell him, “please let’s push into each other. Wouldn’t life be easier if we were at least connected?”
    And don’t get me wrong- I do not nag. If anything, I make my case once or maybe a few times during a week than I drop it for several months. Used to be a lot longer in between but the tension between us is getting so bad that more and more we are at each other’s throats or on egg shells. And that’s not usual for us. We don’t get into big fights. Only 4 since we got married. We usually get snippy, maybe a tiny argument but then we get over it. Sometimes we even fix a situation.
    I want freedom in this marriage. I want intimacy and beauty and affection and romance and sex and etc. I feel very alone. I know what God expects of me. I am not perfect. I am trying to work on myself. But no matter what’s going on with me, the rejection from this man I love is slow torture. He never gives me any good reason why he doesn’t want me. Usually just stays quiet when I ask. Says he does want me but there is never any action to prove it. I asked if he’s cheating. Sometimes he says no, other times he ignores me. Honestly can’t see him cheating. I think I have more the personality for it. And I have thought about it. Not really for a physical release (although I would really love that) but for an emotional connection. When we do anything physical, I usually want him to get his hands off me the moment he touches me even though I practically begged him to touch me. Although I am turned on and wanting sex. I never have a real orgasm. He tells me, as soon as he is done, that he feels bad but doesn’t seem to get that straight sex just doesn’t do it for me or many women. He almost gets offended when I gently guide him to touch better. I get that it’s such a fine line. I am angry and constantly having to forgive him and to forgive myself. And not doing anything rash.
    I absolutely cannot believe I just wrote all that. It must be very disjointed. Sorry about that. I guess I really need to vent.
    I love my husband. He is a kind, patient, generous man in general. The potential in him is great. The potential in us is great. But it’s all dying. I walk such a tight line. I don’t want to offend or make worse, but I don’t know anymore. In trying to appease him, I ignore my own desires and needs. How does this work out? I don’t understand. I am so confused. I am so hurt. Like someone said above, I can see into the future and there will be nothing between us. And will I ever have a child to even ease the pain a little? I have a low chance already of getting and maintaining a pregnancy. How can I ever get pregnant if I never have sex though? Yes, it only takes once and God can do whatever He wants. I believe that 1000%.
    Why doesn’t my husband want me?

    • Kate
      April 25, 2012 | 10:08 am

      Hi Kami! Thank you so much for writing and for sharing your some of your story. My heart truly breaks for your story. You are not alone in your struggle, there are many wives out there feeling much the way you do. I wish that I could give you an easy fix or a quick answer, but I can’t. I realize you have probably heard that a number of times and it doesn’t help. Yet at the same time, it is true and healing takes time! What I will say, is that no chasm is to bid that God can’t fill it and heal it. He wants great things for you marriage and the fact that you see the potential in your hubby and your marriage is a very good thing. Don’t lose touch with that hope.

      As for practical ways to help, the only things I see at this point are to keep trying to talk to your hubby, keep expressing your feelings and how you want your marriage to grow and pull you together. Perhaps try counseling, if he won’t go, go by yourself. Many times your insurance will pay for some counseling. Keep seeking the Word on what he wants you to do and be as a wife. Even though he is not meeting your needs and treating you as the scriptures ask, you are accountable for you. As hard as that is, you need to try, with God’s help to be the wife he wants. Keep praying for strength and peace, and an for God to fill that emotional connection void that you have. He CAN fill your need in that way.

      As for needing sexual release, I cannot imagine how hard that is for you. I would challenge you on the erotica, that is not what God wants for you or your marriage. It is porn for women! It will rob you of what real intimacy is and keep you there in a place you don’t want to be. When sex has been absent for so long, many say it is ok to use masturbation as a means of sexual release. I think that can be true as long as lust is not a part of it-which has to be very hard. With God it can be done. Something to think and pray on! Also finding an accountablity partner is a good idea.

      I can understand wanting a child so that you can love and snuggle and feel loved back, but raising a child in the current atmosphere you are describing, doesn’t sound like the best idea. If things are hard now, adding a baby to the picture will make things much harder. It will be the same stress on much less sleep.

      Please know that you are not alone and that I will be praying for you and your hubby! God is the God of healing and restoration. My heart goes out to you both. We are always here if you need to talk! Blessings, Kate

  14. GTY
    May 19, 2012 | 9:26 am

    I have yet to overcome this horrible situation in
    My marriage. My husband is in denial of his low/no sex drive. It is leading me down a path of misery, rejection and bitterness. The anger can be life altering especially when things never improve.
    A sexless marriage is torture!!!!!!

    • Kate
      May 23, 2012 | 1:32 pm

      Hi GTY! Thanks for writing and being willing to share! From everything I have heard and from our own experience, a sexless (or low sex) marriage is very acute! Keep sharing with your husband how much you desire connection with him and how much you want to work through this together. I am sure he is in denial and feels likea huge failure. What guy wants to own up to having issues in the bedroom? Keep praying for him and serving him. Respecting him and loving him. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you, but how you react and treat him, is your battle! Keep leaning on God! Blessings to you! Kate

  15. Maria
    May 21, 2012 | 12:30 pm

    Hi Kate,
    Thank you for sharing all the wonderful idea’s.
    I have a husband who has ED,and is in denial, above all else doesn’t want me near him or to touch him in any intimate way. I’m at my wit’s end, yesterday he actually yelled at me for trying. We have gone over a year without sex or any type of intimacy. I have talked to him about it I have shown him your website so that he can see we are not the only couples we have these type of issues, I know it needs to be a WE thing before there can be change. Thank you for letting me vent and for the inspiration to go on.

    • Kate
      May 23, 2012 | 1:42 pm

      Hi Maria! Thanks for writing and sharing where you are! My heart breaks for you both. I have no doubt that both of you are hurting and miserable. Have you talked to your hubby about seeing a doctor and also a counselor. The doctor many times can help with the physical, but the counselor can work with the emotional. Walls get built up so quick and breaking them down is not easy! Don’t give up. Keep sharing how much you love to be with your hubby and connect together. Share that this is not just his problem, it is a one flesh thing and you want to work to healing together. Keep telling him how amazing he is in all areas of life, how much you respect him and are thankful for all that he does for the family. He needs to know and feel that he is an in everyway, so that he can want to seek healing in this area. Truth be told, he doesn’t feel like much of a man at all and he feels like he has failed you! Seek God’s heart for how he wants you to respond and treat your hubby! Keep seeking Him and know that you are not alone! We will be praying for you! Blessings, Kate

  16. Karen
    June 4, 2012 | 9:54 pm

    The book The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He’s Lost Desire
    addresses these issues. I don’t know if the author, Michelle Weiner-Davis is a Christian, but there is nothing in the book that is anti-Christian. She says the problem of low libido husbands is much more prevalent than one might think. She says you can’t picture a guy in the locker room after pick-up basketball saying something like, “I’m so tired this morning. My wife keeps pestering me for sex. Doesn’t she know I need my sleep? She just wants it all the time, she drives me nuts. She just wants my body; she doesn’t want me for me, etc.”

    • Brad
      June 5, 2012 | 4:42 pm

      Karen,
      Thank you for your comment! We’ve used info from The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide for several of our posts! I agree it is a good book, and while not explicitly Christian, it has some great information!

      I totally agree that male low sex drive is a much bigger issue they anyone really knows. We only expect it of women so men do not want to talk about it! Thanks for your comments!

  17. Martha Muhindo
    June 13, 2012 | 8:21 am

    I really needed to read this page today. I can echo so many of the women’s stories. It would be so easy to give up just because he has given up but I still hear that still small voice that says – “You let me worry about Him, right now I’m doing something in you…” I don’t understand what exactly He is doing often but I have to trust Him.
    I was almost to the point of saying forget it but after reading all these posts I phoned my husband instead just to say hi. The person who suffers when I choose to return action for action is me.
    Thanks for your ministry. My heart is breaking in my personal struggle with sexless marriage issues but I know that God will see me through. No promises that it will be a pleasant ride though.
    Martha

    • Martha
      June 13, 2012 | 12:24 pm

      Just really wanted to add that I’m so glad to know that even though our marriage situations might not be “normal”, it’s just so good to know that I’m not alone in what I’m going through. Ladies, thank you so much for sharing your stories and hearts. I’m encouraged and somehow it makes it easier to keep going.

    • Kate
      June 13, 2012 | 5:00 pm

      Hi Martha! I am glad that you found us and were encouraged by what you read here in the comments and the post! There is something to be said, for knowing that you are not alone in the world, when you are struggling. Keep seeking God and His strength, when you feel like there is nothing left! Blessings to you and your hubby! Praying for healing! Kate

  18. patricia
    June 13, 2012 | 3:09 pm

    Can relate to such struggles. Have a couple of comments that relate to various postings. Guilt is a huge sexual inhibitor in marriage and can be brought on via pre marital sexual activity. Repenting and acknowleding that you violated God’s rules and defrauded each other can go a long way to putting things right. A wrongful divorce and remarriage situation falls under this heading also.

    Its hard to expect God’s blessings on what’s in your hands when you were willing to sin against Him to have that relationship. It doesn’t work either to issue a lip service apology and then go on to have your cake and eat it too. God isn’t duped. One has to come to grips with the issues of idolatry and rebellion involved and sincerely come back into agreement with God, that His ways are right and we transgressed them. He gives grace to the humble but resists the proud. There is mercy for the sincerely repentant. Its not an easy thing to repent of, especially when we’ve justified what we’ve done and then have built a whole new life and identity on this new person rather than realizing we’ve left our first love.

    When David acknowledged his sin, he said to God, ” Against thee and thee only have I sinned and done what is evil in thy sight”. He realized with grief that his actions showed that he had departed in heart from his Lord to whom he owed all things including the kingly authority he had used to accomplish his sinful acts.

    I know of a pastor who was married to a lady with many emotional problems. He himself had issues in the area of shame and doubt about his masculinity. He met a lady in the same church who resembled what his wife would have looked like had she been healed and whole enough to be a confident and competent help meet. He divorced his wife and married the “upgrade” and is now out of the ministry. In his mind, he had had enough of being held back from being his “authentic self” and living out his “spiritual identity” and this new lady seemed to be the perfect answer and complement. His sin and hers had serious repercussions, throwing an entire church into turmoil, robbing two sets of children of their parents, etc. Two years later the damage was still being sorted out in that church.

    In reality, the focus on one’s authentic identity is really self idolatry in diguise though there are elements of legitimate concern. David would not put forth his hand to grasp power and position or kingly identity but waited on God for all of it.

    We can’t find authentic spiritual purpose and identity in a man or a woman – big deception. The only real identity can be found in Him who created us – the supreme engineer whose handiwork we are. No one else can tell us who we are but Him. I’m convinced that the search for these things leads people to wrongly shuck off marriage partners in search of the aforementioned upgrade, only to find themselves in the same sort of situation. We can get really turned off and even bitterly resentful towards our spouses if we have expectations of them that should be directed to God. If we are looking for them to make us feel good about ourselves, give us identity and worth or confidence etc, they will fail and we will be disappointed and can fall to bitterness and self pity, that defiling root. When something is defiled its made “yucky” and polluted. Its hard to feel desire and love when polluted by bitterness.

    Obedience and righteousness are the best aphrodisiac and doing as one ought leads to greater confidence and moral authority in both leading and following. Blessings.

    • Sam
      July 14, 2013 | 10:00 am

      The idea that premarital sexual activity causes guilt, which in turn causes sexual problems later has to be seen as only one danger. My wife and I experienced the exact opposite problem. We were young and idealistic and knew each other for 10 years before getting married. We unconsciously picked up (from church and christians) that sex before marriage was wrong and that one day, when we were married we would be able to enjoy it together. So we waited. But that ingrained a habit of thinking sex to be wrong, and taught us the habit of abstinence. My wife was very happy with this. I was not. We are now separated.
      I would strongly advise any young couple not to wait too long before letting your love become fully intimate. If that means short engagements and young marriages, so be it. Habits of abstinence learned young become low libido problems later, because you learn to see your partner in platonic or sibling-like terms.

  19. Bill
    June 13, 2012 | 4:11 pm

    This s a joke; women HATE sex.

    • Kate
      June 13, 2012 | 5:04 pm

      Hi Bill! Hmmm, your statement baffles me a bit, because I am women who LOVES sex and is proud to say so. I also am a sexually confident wife and I only have eyes for my amazing hubby! The oneness and connection that God blesses us with through sex is something I cannot describe in words and I would be very sad to lose it! So while I hear that there is great pain in your statement-be careful not to group all of us women in the same group. Also there are many men out there that avoid sex for various reasons. Sex was created as a huge and very uniquely special blessing in marriage and therefore is under attack. Satan loves that he can derail couples through sex. Don’t let the enemy have that foothold. God is the God of healing and restoration. Trust in Him and he can heal any gap in your marriage. If you would like to talk with us any further feel free to email us at onefleshmarriage@gmail.com Blessings to you! Kate

  20. craig
    August 8, 2012 | 9:47 pm

    Umm … if the husband is NOT having sex within the marriage, doesn’t stand to reason that the wife is also NOT having sex within the marriage? Just sayin’ … and visa versa?

  21. handle with care
    September 16, 2012 | 3:58 pm

    Hi Both,I commented away back on this post as I was reading. Wanted to say thankyou for your consistent encouragement and support of the righteous goal of intimacy in marriage. It takes loving commitment to deal with so much pain and rejection with grace, we are at our most vulnerable when we show our sexual needs to our spouses, and the experience of rejection can be very embittering. There has been some of both here, but you two have consistently re-enforced the reality of God’s grace and His intention for His children to experience delight in their intimacy.

    If you had done nothing else in your ministry, this would be enough.

    I have been married over thirty years with monthly sex at most, and I’m the higher libido spouse. My husband is a good man in very way, but has not come from a background that esteems or seeks intimacy, in fact his family culture is one of avoidance. Over time this has become intimidating for him, and ultimately has led to me feeling very ashamed for having my own sexual needs.

    Whilst I acknowledge that it would have been wrong for me to leave my marriage, ideally we would have communicated about this many years ago. Needing sexual fulfillment with one’s spouse is not a wicked thing,and seeking to build solutions to these situations is far better than gritting one’s teeth and enduring, as it has the potential for ennobling both spouses.

    In thirty plus years I have still never experienced orgasm. That’s not a good thing. The solution for us is for me to explore my own pleasure in order to be able to empower my husband to do so- to seek information through self exploration. I wouldn’t want to impinge on your message of tolerance and forbearance, but I think little is served when neither can be happy. It has taken us many months of working with a therapist for me to be prepared to consider this, but I do now see that we need this information available to us in order to empower us both.

    It seems that life is not as black and white as I may once have thought.

    • Kate
      September 27, 2012 | 8:09 pm

      Hi handle with care! Thanks for writing and sharing some of your story. I am sure it has been a tough road for you and your hubby, yet it sounds like you are on the path moving forward. It is very hard when one or both spouses come from a background where intimacy is absent and through absense is discouraged. In our marriage, one of us comes from that very same background and it has been very hard to change all of that. Totally understand where you are coming from there.

      I wanted to share about your not expereincing an orgasm, that self exploration in order to further intimacy in your marriage, is something I personally would encourage. Some might think me crazy, but if you are a women and have not been able to climax, you may just need to explore yourself some to find out where and what feels good. I always encourage wives to do this with their husbands with them, so that it does not become an “alone” activity. Something to feel ashamed about or to hide from your spouse. When there are issues in our sexual relationship, I believe we need to face them together. Sexual intimacy is about two becoming one, not two existing together. I applaud you and your hubby for seeing a therapist and working through this together.

      Please know that you are not alone out there and I am lifting you and your hubby up! Thank you again for sharing. Blessings, Kate

      • handle with care
        October 31, 2012 | 7:05 pm

        Thankyou Kate, so lovely to have another woman’s support. Wish this thinking and support had been around so many years ago-wonderful work.

        • Kate
          November 14, 2012 | 4:31 pm

          Thank you too! We greatly appreciate all of our readers and “doing life together”! Blessings, Kate

  22. Saddened by "God's gift"
    October 31, 2012 | 2:31 am

    Hi! My situation is opposite of the article. My husband has high sex drive, libido, etc. I do not. I did not have sex until marriage, and I have been married for 10 years. He was the only man I dated, wanted, etc. Sadly, sex has been the one thing to distance him from me, so that I do not have loving feelings anymore, I, even despise and resent God for this reality. I spent many years psychoanalyzing myself, as to why I had no sex drive, orgasm, etc. Now, at 37…and facing severe health issues related to anemia…I feel as my source is most likely medically-related (though no one has diagnosed me) for I have gone to a sex therapist, read 15 plus books, etc. to no avail. Reality is I am just as bummed about our sex life as he is…sex is a sad reminder of the reality that God withheld his blessing/gift from me. It is not fair to him or me. I do not see “my voice” represented on the internet in any discussions. For many years, I’d still have sex often, putting aside my disappointment, sadness, lack of pleasure…to meet his needs, as it was my marital duty. While I have no physical sexual desire…I call my desire…intellectual…I want to enjoy sex, but only get to “window-shop” and that bitters the soul…the sex that connects him, disconnects me…as I fade into the backdrop and wonder why in the world did I wait till marriage (28 yrs. old)…I had a sex drive at 16…was dating him…but made the righteous decision and waited before marriage…thinking it would all “work” when needed…I had no reason to know I was “different.” If I had, I would never have burdened him or myself. So, we live a mediocre marital life…when I thought it would have been that so-called gift God provides. I am at my wit’s end. I am depressed and feel like a reject. I often wonder why God would give me a man with a high sex drive…he could have left me single. I’d rather be divorced than bear this burden. I’m unhappy not being able to bond with my husband in this way. BTW, I’m no prude…we’ve tried about everything we could think of…but after 10 years, I am tired of fighting…and would almost rather hire him a prostitute…Instead, we live in sad compromise…as I said, what draws him closer…drives me further away, so truly neither of us are happy…only sadly committed. It’s certainly not the marital life we expected. Any new wisdom you’d like to share would be appreciated.

    • Kate
      November 14, 2012 | 4:46 pm

      Hi Saddened by “God’s Gift”,
      Thanks so much for writing and sharing openly about where you and your hubby are. My heart breaks for the hurt you both are going through. You know I see much of myself in your story. We too waited until we were married, had dated for 6 years. Though sex in marriage was going to be super awesome. While it was the 1st year, it quickly lost its luster and I began to wonder what was wrong with me that he wanted sex all the time and I did not. I was heartsick about it, even though I didn’t know how to change it. I knew it was hurting us and the man I loved very much. My story also tells you that there is HOPE!! And that no marriage is too far gone for God’s grace and restoration. I am 35, so we are around the same age. It took God working in both of us, work on both of our sides, understanding of each other, communication and a desire to have the marriage God desires for us. I know in your hurt and pain you cannot fathom that ALL of this is worth it-but being on the other side, having a marriage and sex that is what God wants for it. I would actually walk through all that muck and yuck again to get to where we are today-it is that good! YOU CAN GET THERE TOO!! We are evidence of that! Please know there is hope!

      Because my story is similar to yours, I have written much of my story and blogged on this topic a great deal. I encourage you to read my other posts-your voice is not forgotten, my friend! If you would like to talk further and I can share some practical steps I took, please feel free to email me at any time at kate@onefleshmarriage.com! I am praying for you right now. Blessings and healing! Kate

      • Sam
        March 9, 2014 | 1:53 pm

        We too waited until marriage (at 24) with a lot of effort and restraint but now wonder if that was a colossal mistake – it made her think I had a low libido like her and that we’d be fine with a few times a year. All that waiting, maybe it serves to train the body to go without sex, so that becomes the norm in life, very difficult to un-learn later.

    • Will
      November 24, 2012 | 7:14 pm

      If you are Anemic, then yes that is the reason. My wife was, and had extremely low iron levels, and low blood count. As a result of this she was extremely tired all the time. Add in birth control that kills desire and it’s a done deal.

  23. handle with care
    October 31, 2012 | 7:02 pm

    Dear Saddened, I really admire your commitment, just wanted to make a positive contribution to your situation,I share your sense of grief, this has not yet been resolved for me and it’s thirty years. But we are progressing as we never would have due to couples therapy with a qualified sex therapist. So wish we’d done this thirty years ago before my body just got worn out. At the very least the feelings can be got out and shared and the situation owned by both of you. I want more for you, do see a therapist soon, and think about exploring your own pleasure.

  24. Diane
    December 17, 2012 | 11:21 am

    I left my first husband because (amongst other reasons) I wasn’t getting what I needed from the relationship. No sex, no intimacy, I was so hurt and humiliated for years.

    I left him for a wonderful man (who is now my husband), who made me feel like a woman in every way. I was special and loved, cared for, wanted and desired, our sex life was amazing (I wasn’t a Christian back then…)

    After we got married frequency started to dwindle. Then after our first child, less and less (understandable I know given the sleep deprivation). Now our 2nd child just turned 1 and this year we’ve had sex 4 times.

    I realize the pressure of having 2 children makes things more difficult but I still desire him and want him all the time just as much as in the beginning. Lack of sleep doesn’t stop my desire. We have tiffs but we don’t fight or speak unkindly to each other. I’m sure I can be a pain sometimes but I do my very best not to nag or cause him grief. I can’t believe this is happening to me again, I must be just so horribly undesirable.

    We have spoken about it and he agrees there is an issue but nothing happens and he always manages to come up with excuses even BEFORE I’ve attempted to initiate anything! It’s like he’s preempting an attack! :-). So I have stopped (attempting to) initiate out of fear of rejection.

    When I suggest we need more time alone or to go on dates, he just about runs a mile and comes up with excuses again.

    I love him and want nothing more than to connect the way we used to, I know he wants this too, but nothing ever happens. I feel very hurt, rejected and even more humiliated because I feel like I’ve failed again.

    Thanks for letting me speak :-)

    • Kate
      December 27, 2012 | 11:45 am

      Hi Diane! Thanks so much for writing and sharing where you and your hubby are. My heart breaks for you both as I am sure you are both hurting greatly! I wish that I had an easy answer for you, but you know I don’t-still wish there was one! :)

      First and most important here-these issues in NO WAY mean that you are undesirable in any way!!! You have to stop believing that lie that Satan is trying to feed you while you are in the valley! You are desirable to your hubby, I have no doubt! He is the man who desires you and prays that God will keep him from lust over others! Know that he desires you and that you are a desirable women (for your hubby’s eyes only)!

      The second thing that I would say is that your hubby obviously knows that he has an issue and is most likely baffled and very embarassed by it! I know you said that you have talked to him so much and do not want to be rejected again, so avoid the topic. I would say that your hubby needs to have a physical to look into possible low testosterone issues. That is always the best place to start. Yet it is a hard thing for men to do-go to the doctor and admit they are having issues with desire for sex. Men are supposed to be able to have sex until the die with no issues, right? Well that is how they feel no matter how irrational it is. And lets face it, we as women don’t really like to go to the doctor and admit something is wrong with our girl parts! Ugh! So we can relate!

      I would try talking to your hubby about how you feel! How you want your intimacy to have a very special place in your marriage. How you want to feel connected to him in this way and want to share what you can with no one else with him, regularly! Try very hard not to point fingers and blame. Really it is not a her or me issue, because it is sex and one flesh-it is an us issue. Therefore, if you can and your hubby is open to it, you should go to the doctor with him. If he does have a medical reason, you need to know what the treatments are and how they will affect him physically as well as your one flesh connection.

      If you find that everything is fine physically (which very well might take 2nd or 3rd opinions) then I would recommend counseling. There could be something mentally that is blocking your hubby from being able to enjoy sex with you. Pornography could be an issue, I will not lie to you! Yet there are many other things that can be mental blocks-past trauma and other things. Counseling is not admitting defeat, in fact it is a brave step for your marriage. Having a third party there to look at things without the emotional connection is a good thing! Share how much you desire to have the marriage God designs and you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there! Medical visits, counseling and whatever else!

      There is hope, friend, please know that and never lose sight of that. God’s plan for marriage is filled with hope! Please know that you are not alone out there, many women are in the same place you are. While you are hurting, seek God and allow him to give you strength to love, respect and serve your hubby as he calls you to, even in these incredible hard times! I am praying for you and feel free to contact me anytime at kate@onefleshmarriage.com! We try to respond quickly, though sometimes it is not as quickly as we would like! Blssings and hope to you friend! Kate

  25. Diane
    December 17, 2012 | 11:30 am

    P.S. I later found out my first husband had a porn addiction and had secret credit cards he’d use on the Internet so I wouldn’t find out. My (now) husband is aware that was an issue for me previously and restricted our Internet access and prayed for that particular issue not to affect him.

  26. Diane
    December 17, 2012 | 11:48 am

    Sorry it’s me again! I just wanted to add one last note.

    You point out that children would be affected by their mother having a bad day or being depressed as a result of this and I agree with this wholeheartedly.

    I have cried a lot this year from rejection and confusion, to the point where my daughter would catch me, then approach me and say “Are you crying mum?” Then she’d rub my back and tell me “don’t worry about it, it’s alright”… she’s 2 and a half!! I’m convinced she’s been/is being affected by this.

    My husband and I have talked enough that I’m too embarrassed to talk about it anymore so I pretend it doesn’t bother me.

  27. tom
    January 6, 2013 | 2:14 am

    This I can assure you. When a husband is not respected by his wife, he will not keep having sex for long. Wives, if you always ENJOY being right all the time, then prepare to be lonely.

    • handle with care
      January 6, 2013 | 1:15 pm

      Sounding a little veangeful there Tom. Hard to see where a situation where you withhold sex in order to register your dissatisfaction with your relationship can go except from bad to worse.I would think that is a lose\lose, which must leave you both suffering-you’ll be getting less sex too, right? It’s great that there are alternatives to a life time of misery these days.
      I’ve just buried my mother, and her life was so sad because she lived in a time where people accepted misery as their lot. Conversations such as these can help us see that God does not intend us to live with avoidable misery, and indeed that we can take responsibility for blessing each other through developing our capacity to act in a loving manner even when we are not getting what we want. I’m hoping that you and the woman you chose to marry will be able to overcome your shared history and move things forward into a more fulfilling future. I’m guessing that will have to start with a civil conversation in which you are able to harness whatever goodwill is left to express how much you want a happier future for you both.I have experienced the grace of the Holy Spirit in enabling me to do this, and to follow that through with therapeutic help and support. I only wish it hadn’t taken me so long to get it. Hopefully conversations like these will save other marriages from the bitter story that our lives become if we do not actively seek change through the desire to bless.

      • Kate
        January 7, 2013 | 4:38 pm

        handle with care-thanks so much for sharing from your life and what God has taught you! Blessings, Kate

    • Kate
      January 7, 2013 | 4:36 pm

      Hi Tom, Thanks for writing and sharng your thoughts. You are right that love and respect move in a circle. When one is not being contributed, the other tends to want to stop their contribution as well. Though it may be human nature to think and act this way, it is not what God calls of us as husband and wife. One day we will all answer to our Savior and it won’t be for what our spouse did or did not do-it will in fact be for what you have done or not done and more importantly, how you responded to what your spouse did or did not do! It is a hard thing to think of, but it is the truth.

      That is not to say that it will be easy to respond in the way God desires or that we will never mess up. Yet God says, their WILL be trials, you can be sure-but he will be with us the entire way and supply for all of our needs if we ask and trust as well as stop trying to do these things with our own strengh.

      I know there is great pain behind what you have shared. Jesus can truly be all you need! I pray that you hold on the the hope of God’s plan for marriage. Blessings, Kate

    • Josh
      January 8, 2013 | 3:21 pm

      I would say that it’s always easy to look through our own rosé colored glasses and compare our situations with others. I’d say from a husband not getting the physical intimacy from my wife that withholding sex is the last thing you should do if you want to stay married. One of the replys said that it moves in a circle, that’s exactly right. What ever you want from your spouse, you give. 100%, not reluctantly, but with love. If you want to be respected, respect her. If you want love, love her. The Serenity prayers says
      “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
      The courage to change the things I can,
      And the wisdom to know the difference.”
      Hopefully these words will encourage and inspire you to go above and beyond to love your wife and only through prayer and fasting will you be 100% complete. God Bless

  28. Josh
    January 7, 2013 | 4:24 pm

    Here’s my situation:
    I’ve been married for 13 1/2 years which 7 has been sexless. My wife and I got married at 18, 4 months later got pregnant and I was an idiot! I didn’t understand not having sex for 18 years then an awesome 4 months of sex every 3-5 days then the spicket was shut off. I admit I was a horrible partner and fights were very prevalent, almost daily I believe. Then after almost 3 yrs without sex and 7 or 8 months of throwing around the “D” word, I had a 1 night stand. I’m not proud of it but I’ve always felt that it got our attention and jolted us back together. She has thrown it up in my face many many times over the years but now just mentions that I’ve never had to worry about trust with her. She has caught me….flying solo (trying to be as modest at possible) a few times and recently found pics I downloaded on my phone. She says that really hurt her, which I believe that to be true but I’m only human. After the 3 yrs without it happened once a month or 2( hey I was happy with that) until she got pregnant with our 2nd child. Once a gain almost 2 yrs without sex. Then 3rd child. Once again 22 months. In the last 5 years we’ve had sex 4 times and we’re knocking on another 2 yr anniversary without it. I’ve tried counseling after the affair, solo and a few months ago tried to go see a marriage counselor and she won’t go. I’m at my wits end and not only is my family suffering, my business is too. I told her if we fixed that part of our relationship I would make sales and she said that makes her feel like a prostitute. I love my kids more than life it self and it pains me to even think about not living under the same roof as them and not to see my babies when they first wake up. And God has placed a special love for my wife in me to where all she has to do is bat her eyes at me and I’m a kid in love again. I’m dying inside and I can’t catch my breath. I have learned to cope as if I was in an accident and a part of me is paralyzed but the bitterness and resentment is starting to build beyond my control at times. Let me end by saying I’ve never said it has all been her. I was a childish immature brat before and the first few years but now I just miss being happy.
    Thanks for reading my 2 cents

  29. Diane
    January 9, 2013 | 11:14 am

    I feel the need to respond to Tom’s comment as his post was written after mine, whilst it may not have been directed solely at me, I feel the need to both agree with Tom and explain myself at the same time :-)

    Early last year, after the birth of our 2nd child my husband and I continued to be intimate (albeit seldom due to sleep deprivation, but it was still happening). When our child was about 4mths old, I lost a lot of weight very quickly in an effort to be more attractive for my husband. Then without warning sex stopped altogether. As mentioned in my earlier comment, I didn’t know why and became increasingly more desperate and lonely. Instead of expressing how hurt I was, I just got angry and started to resent my husband for not being an emotional (and physical) support for me at such a critical time in our lives. When he walked in the door after work, I let him have it!

    After attempting to discuss his distance with me for the umpteenth time, we had a very rare heated argument. He said it all started when I lost weight, that I’d gone from a healthy, breast feeding mother to a skinny bag of bones and he was extremely turned off. He admitted it was probably that which created the gap between us, but my treatment of him in the months that followed only widened the gap.

    After we’d calmed down, he very gently explained how I had been treating him and gave specific examples. He said he understood why I would have been hurt from his rejection but I had to put that behind me because there is no way we could move forward if I kept treating him the way I was. I was shocked and so very ashamed, I changed that instant.

    Weeks went by and he shared that he could see I was really trying and it was making him feel guilty as he knew I needed more from him but he wasn’t giving it. We were intimate a couple of times but there wasn’t a lot of emotion in it (for either of us).

    More time goes by, more conversations had. Nothing. It was very difficult to put the pain of rejection behind me when it was still happening. I was stuck, I was in terrible pain but couldn’t really discuss it with the one person I should have been able to because I was supposed to be putting it behind me…

    Then I found this blog, I didn’t mention any of this before as it had been dealt with so I was still at a loss as to what the problem was and still in so much pain.

    I have spoken to (emailed) Kate privately about other potential issues, which has helped immensely but it really wasn’t until I started to pray every day (since emailing Kate) that things have started to change in our relationship. I have just been praying for and loving my husband and YES we’ve had sex this year and it was lovely! We are connecting again, we are laughing together and teasing each other. I’ve put weight on and have been getting squeezed and complimented again! It is slow progress, but it’s progress!

    To Tom I’d really encourage you to give the hurt you are so obviously feeling to Jesus, forgive your wife, pray for her and gently discuss with her how she is treating you and what it is doing to you (both).

    I believe if I hadn’t found this blog and hadn’t been reminded to start praying daily, I’d still be in a world of hurt.

    Apologies for the novel! :-)

    • Kate
      January 10, 2013 | 3:49 pm

      Thanks so much for sharing, Diane! You are a true testament that prayer is the 1st and best way to go-always. Not that other areas should be neglected, but prayer is a must! Keep praying, friend! I am praying with you! Blessings, Kate

  30. Amita
    February 15, 2013 | 8:37 pm

    My dear I am 70. I pray daily that my husband will desire me again. Our sex lives ended a number of years ago. The pain and sense of rejection are sometimes overwhelming. Would I leave him — not on your life. We made a covenant 48 years ago and I will with God’s help continue in that covenant/

  31. Kate
    February 18, 2013 | 5:21 pm

    Hi Amita! Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for where you and your hubby are. Yet at the same time, I appreciate your devotion. The best thing I can say is to keep seeking to draw closer to God yourself and keep getting on your knees and praying for your hubby. It is never a lost cause. God can change even the hardest of hearts. Know that you are not alone out there. Praying for you right now! Kate

  32. Rick
    April 30, 2013 | 12:11 pm

    I have been married for 26 year’s and in the last 7 ,my wife has stop sex, kissing me ,being alone with me, there is no us , she cant look me in the eyes and say she loves me ,she won’t talk to me about what’s wrong ,she puts everybody before me, she said she love me, but where is the love ,and I can’t begin to tell you how I feel mentally ,emotionally, rejection spritely , I am lost thanks

    • Kate
      April 30, 2013 | 2:58 pm

      Hi Rick! Thanks for writing and sharing where you are. My heart breaks for you and your wife. I can completely understand that you feel rejected in all ways. But Jesus loves you and will never stop. I know in this time that may not be what you want to hear, and yet your identity is found in Him and Him alone. That does not mean that we don’t want deeply to have the marriage God designs. And when it is not working, we are deeply sad and distraught. But please rest in God’s love, because peace that surpassing all understanding is there!

      Do you have any idea of what changed 7 years ago? Have you tried to talk to her about it? Suggested that you find a third party to help the both of you through this? I am sure you have done some if not all of this. Have you shared your heart and desire to see your marriage heal and be restored?

      Please know that you are not alone, Rick and that I am praying for you right now! Hold on to the hope of Jesus, it will never fail you, even if all else around you does. Blessings, Kate

    • lynn
      June 10, 2013 | 3:02 pm

      I hate to be the bearer of bad news Rick, but do not expect it to get better. I have been married for 32 years and have been in the exact same situation(except it is my husband acting this way) for the last 8 years. The really sad thing is that it does not bother him, so I took up sleeping in the other room 5 years ago(thinking he would beg me to come back) BACKFIRED!!!!! I am still sleeping all alone!! He says he loves me too..HA!!!! He has become very religious in the last few years and the Bible states that this is a sin, but he has no problem with it!! Do not believe we are allowed to “choose our own sins, to commit” especially when he lectures other people about their sins and brags about how we go to church and are SO devoted to the Lord!! I am lost also and am sick of the silence ALL night long, even when we are in the same room doing other things(watching tv) No social life.. nothing. Kids have moved out and we should be living it up!!!! I am heart broken and SO ALONE…… Just living a BIG FAT lie, as everybody thinks we are a perfect couple as he treats me very well when we are in public, around other people!! What a life…so sad….and no I have not gained weight or anything, so it is not that…5’5″ 120 lbs. but that should not matter anyway if he truly loved me!!! He’s the one that’s gained weight, but that does not bother me!! Just want my husband back!

      • Kwala
        June 10, 2013 | 7:24 pm

        Interestingly enough, I was recently told on a forum to “grow some” and move out of my bedroom, or more correctly, kick my wife out of my bedroom in order to address our sexless marriage. I’m sure that would have had the same effect as with you.

      • lynn
        June 18, 2013 | 10:16 am

        I need to add, to my post, that it is not just the “sexual act” that has disappeared…it is all intimacy!! There are no hugs(unless I grab him and he can not get away lol) no goodbye kisses NOTHING!!! They say humans REQUIRE these things so looks like I am in big trouble… but than again guess I have survived this long. I just so desire to see him look at me like he use to…but than again maybe he was just pretending I was one of those “porn women” he USE to look at….How truly SAD!!!!!

  33. Virtuous
    May 6, 2013 | 9:13 am

    I’ve read a lot of comments and I will still apply some, like praying for my husband. My case has never been discussed exactly. I’m a very sexual person and in our years of dating, we made love every blessed day for almost eighteen months. But from the time we got married, it ceased like automatically. Talking about sex became immoral and dirty. Claimed I liked sex too much and he was trying to reduce my libido. So we could have sex like twice a year. To God be the Glory, I have four adorable children who keep my sanity. Right now, for six years going, there has been no sex at all. I have talked, cried, spoken with pastors and my husband comes up with only one excuse, that I have a spiritual husband . What a laugh! Funny thing is that we are like best friends, we gist a lot together, hang out with each other, we’re each other confidant , we crack loads of jokes together and people use us as role models . They assume we’re very sexual cos we hold hands and peck in public but the moment we get indoors, we’re brother/ sister. I am so tired of this problem, I want to run away. I’ve turned to CIA,FBI etc yet no trace of cheating. I’ve asked him to tell me if he’s ill

    • Kate
      May 29, 2013 | 3:27 pm

      Hi Virtuous! Thank you for writing and being willing to share where you are. It breaks my heart to read your story and many others. The best thing I can tell you is to totally put God first (not those adorable kids) and fall into His arms. The Bible tells us that Jesus is the only one who can meet ALL of our needs. I truly believe that he can meet all of your needs now, that includes the desire you have for your husband. I hear the depth of hurt in your words. It would be my hope and prayer that your husband would recieve healing for where ever he is hurting and your marriage relationship would be restored to what God desires for it. I will be lifting you up right now! Keep diving into God’s word and leaning on Him, that is they only place where you will find hope and healing. Blessings, Kate

      • Lynn
        December 14, 2013 | 11:50 am

        A question on your comment that “the bible tells us that Jesus is the only one who can meet all our needs.” I do not take this “literally” but that he will bestow and bless US with the ability to (financially, not spiritually) take care of ourselves!! Just as HE gives us the ability, to make a salary to pay our bills….He does not “shower” us with with money, out of heaven, he GIVES us the ability to EARN a living. As for the sexless marriage…I have FINALLY learned that it is my husbands problem, not mine. If he has no problem living like this(which is a sin!!) I can not make him change. When I asked him, years ago, why he was still married to me…his response was “because I made a promise to God..” Nothing of loving me. Well in remembering “our vows” there was “to have and to hold” exchanged between us, in front of God and our witnesses….Well there is not any having or holding going on in this marriage!!!!

  34. Kwala
    May 9, 2013 | 1:07 am

    I know this is an old post but I am just at breaking point. I know some of you have gone much longer than I without lovemaking and I’m sorry you have, though for me, these 3 months are turning into heartbreak and loneliness on all levels.

    I’ve prayer hard all year, changed myself, fasted, sought Godly advice from reputable sites like this one. I’ve thrown myself on the marriage bed and with tears literally cried out to God for a change in our intimacy.
    What happens? Nothing. In fact, things get worse. Any sexual interest my wife had goes out the window. Earlier this year she tells me that she can’t meet my needs and I should get it somewhere else. Hurt point. How would you like your spouse saying that?
    Then after all this hard praying and seeking God, I get a sudden relapse of a medical condition. That has sidelined intimacy for at least the last month, on top of the previous one. No one wants to make make love to someone with problems do they! We didn’t even get intimate for our anniversary or haven’t made an attempt to.

    Yes I know it’s hard with the kids, me not being great, and both being very tired. But for goodness sake, can’t God intervene and save me from the point of a breakdown? I’ve prayed so so so hard yet it has just got worse. I am out of hoping that things are going to be sweet and rosy. I almost broke down crying when I was on my lunch time walk. If God doesn’t test us beyond what we can bear then I don’t know what this is; does that take into account the disobedience of our spouse?

    You can’t offer me advice I haven’t heard or put into practice. Yes of course I can keep praying but to be honest that phrase doesn’t offer much joy right now. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, just it doesn’t bring waves of faith.

    So it’s not just the length of time; it’s that my wife isn’t interested and thinks I should go somewhere else, and I’ve ripped open my heart to God in pray, and things have just gotten worse, and that’s why I feel like I’m about to collapse inside.

    • Kate
      May 29, 2013 | 3:43 pm

      Hi Kwala,
      You are probably right in that, there is nothing I can say to you that is any different from anything you have already heard and tried. Yet you commented, so I will share what God is placing on my heart.

      God never said that we would not have to endure hardships, in fact he promised we would. And he never said that when we prayer, he would take it all away. He did however promise to always be with us during these trials. That he would never leave us no matter what and that His love for us would never end.

      We often think that hope (given from God) is hope that He will change our circumstances. It is totally ok to hope and pray for that, yet true hope is that God will be with us and help us to walk out His will for our lives regardless of whether or not our circumstances do change!

      When it is our personal battle and thorn in our side, it is hard to remember that sometimes our circumstances don’t change and through that God is using the situation to refine us and change our hearts. God is not causing your wife to withhold-that is your wife’s choice, as we all have free will. Can God make her submit to Him and be the wife God asks, yes he can-He is all powerful. But he doesn’t want robots and so gives us the freedom to choose. In a marriage there are two people, becoming one, with two choices.

      Instead of praying for your situation to change, pray for your wife, for God to bless her, to reveal his love to her and for her to know the hope God has for her. I am sure you pray for her now, yet is it because you want the best for her or because you want what you want? I am not making any judgements here, only sharing what I feel God asking me to. It is hard not to pray out of bitterness and dispair!

      The only thing YOU can do is pray for your wife, and seek God on being the best husband you can be, no matter whether or not your wife deserves it. She will one day be accountable for her life, but you too will be accountable for every responce to her and how you have answered your call to her as a husband. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, those who he knew would run when the Roman guards came, those he knew would deny him and the one he knew would betray him. We are called to love our spouse, even when they are not loving and respecting us in return. Is it easy-not on your life! Yet it is what we are called to do and only through the help of the Holy Spirit can we do it.

      Hold on to Jesus friend, he is the one who saves! He can and will help you through this if you give up control and rely on him. Follow what his word has asked of you as a husband.

      All that being said, please know that my heart breaks for you! It is not right and it is not fair. Yet there is a hope bigger then it all! Please know that I am praying for you right now! Blessings, Kate

      • Kwala
        May 30, 2013 | 5:23 am

        Thanks Kate, will do so….very much appreciated.
        K

      • Kwala
        July 15, 2013 | 10:16 pm

        Hi Kate
        I know you have a million other people to reply, pray for and counsel, but just wanted to update again. Since this last post I’ve been praying more positively, trying to be more positive about everything. We’ve ML once during this time. Nothing has changed. I still do everything she requires and I ask what help she needs; i often buy her little presents. I brought her flowers yesterday after her being away for the weekend, got a bit of a “thanks honey”. Of course, very little physical thanks.
        So that’s almost the last straw; I get very little appreciation, I get no physical attraction. God is doing nothing to improve the situation or if He is its pushing me past the point of sanity. I am looking at porn again for the first time in a long time; the answer is apparently to keep praying right? And what do I do with my body as I struggle with craving physical touch? Craving attention and affection? Driving deeper into depression?
        I see these posts of men in my circumstance whose situations have not changed after years and I am starting to wondering if God is actually going to do anything.
        Yet I’ve got one slither of hope that God speaks to my wife (of course if she’s not too deaf or hard-hearted to listen), to give her a wake up call, to tell her sex is a big deal and she’s got a very desperate husband who is at risk of stumbling if she doesn’t get her act together. Please just once more pray God will speak decisively to her and she will listen and act. That’s all I ask.
        K

  35. Erica
    May 26, 2013 | 6:35 am

    Every word in this article has been confirmed in me by the Holy Spirit. My question is this…my husband knows he has been touched inappropriately in his childhood and that is his hang up. He has been in therapy for a long time yet he refuses to work this issue…his therapist is person centered so hubby decides what is on the table and what is not. What am I to do in this scenario? We have sex once a year…and it is a “quickie”. It is not so much the act of sex but the desire behind it…what leads up to it that I miss. I long to be desired…

    • Brad
      May 30, 2013 | 4:53 pm

      Erica,
      Thank you for your comment. I don’t say this often on here, but I am a therapist too, and while I’m not completely “person centered” I understand the principles. The main issue probably isn’t the therapist here, because I would guess he would help your husband process the issues around healthy sexuality based on his past abuse. The issue is really “when he is ready.”

      You said “he refuses to work on this issue”. That is key. Do you know why? Does your husband really know how much of a big deal this is to you? Or is he simply ashamed to admit that he is a man having sexual issues? I wouldn’t be surprised if it is the latter. It isn’t that he doesn’t want help, or doesn’t care, its that he doesn’t know how to tell his therapist this is an area that needs help.

      Maybe you could attend a few sessions with him and talk about how the two of you could bring it up. Alternatively, you could go with the goal of helping understand how the trauma is impacting your husband today. Hear how he is doing, and that might give a great opening for asking about how you can help increase healthy sexual interaction.

      Its obvious that your husband is hurting. And hurting in this specific area. I would find a way to help him know that you know and care about his hurts. That you want to see him get better. That you want to help him on this journey. That eventually you would like to have a better sex life, but you know it will take time to heal.

      Thank you so much for sharing your journey!

  36. handle with care
    May 26, 2013 | 3:35 pm

    I’m so feeling your pain Erica. My husband went to a person centered therapist many years ago, which for him was a waste of time and money, he was able to avoid what was bothering him most-of course. What could be worse than talking about this with someone. I think it took us naming the problem together in our relationship and seeing a sex therapist together. I made the first appointment without his agreement, and to my great surprise he came with me. We’re not there yet, but working on it together has really helped, if in no other way it has helped me to be more patient, knowing that it bothers him too. Childhood sexual abuse can wreck our capacity for connected sex, but working on it together builds relatedness. I so hope you can get what you need within your marriage, and it’s so important to know through Kate and Brad that it is God’s will that you do. Your desire is good.Time was when I felt ashamed of my desires and wicked for having them. Now I have learnt that what I have wanted for these many years was a healing connection.

  37. emc
    June 4, 2013 | 1:22 am

    Been married 13 years. Hubby had a very high drive before we were married, and after 9 months of dating, I just wasn’t able to say no to him anymore. That lasted until 2 weeks before we got married. From that point on, it was once or twice a month at most. Now, after two kids, we sometimes go 3 months without sex. I am crushed, depressed, and feel so absolutely rejected. I’ve tried everything over the years- bought him “supplements”, books, bought myself lingerie, diet pills, sexy outfits, and more books. I’ve played hard to get, and I’ve been the aggressor- He says, “don’t bother”. Now, I pay a massage therapist once a month just so I can have physical touch, and wait anxiously for him to make the next move. I am now seeing a counselor. He refuses couples counseling, but did attend one of my sessions (he said it was to help me). We also saw our pastor once, which I thought went really well- but he made sure I knew that was never going to happen again. I’ve kept my mouth shut for 10 years about the things in our marriage that bother me. Now, after a year of counseling, I’m finally confronting issues and he claims I’m just looking for things to criticize. This makes me just want to clam up and not say anything- but years of experience has taught me that just makes me more unhappy, and him clueless. I’m not a perfect wife- and I’m not able to meet all his needs. But sometimes it just feels like I’m being punished for the things I don’t do, rather than be cherished for the plain and simple fact that I’m his wife. I’ve started being more independent, and express more confidence in myself- and it feels like I’m being punished for that, too. And if I ever express any sort of anger- he leaves the room, and I endure silence for hours- sometimes days. My best friend has tried telling me that this is emotional abuse. But no one who knows him would ever believe that he wasn’t anything but kind, compassionate, loving, and as his mother puts it, “special”. He has been awarded for his caretaking and compassion at work, but at home he’s king of his castle- refusing to “serve” anyone but himself. I’ve prayed for 10 years that God would show him how to be a leader at home, a loving and kind father, and an affectionate, attentive husband. This is more info that you needed to know- it just helps to vent so I don’t feel crazy.

    • Kate
      June 13, 2013 | 2:40 pm

      Hi EMC,

      My heart truly breaks when I hear you share your story. The only thing you can do is pray for your hubby and seek to be the wife God is asking you to be and put up boundaries! It is so hard when we seek God and we feel like nothing changes. The reality is that God never said things would be easy, in fact he said we would struggle, and his promise was that he would never leave us and he would always be there! We hold on to great hope that our circumstances will change, but true hope is that Jesus will be with us and guide us whether or not our circumstances do change! Know that God has a plan and a purpose for your life, no matter what! I am lifting you up and sharing in the hope of Jesus! Blessings, Kate

  38. Sylvia
    June 5, 2013 | 11:26 am

    My husband does not want to have sex and I am tortured by it. What’s really painful is that there is nothing else lacking in our marriage. He is an extraordinary man, he’s hardworking, humble, generous, kind, strong, resourceful and brave. We are best friends, play music in a band together, have a beautiful child we adore, are both devoted to Christ… and he IS affectionate (in a G rated children’s movie way). He says he simply has a low sex drive and that is perfectly normal. We haven’t had sex for over a year – that is not “normal”.

    I’ve considered other issues that might be affecting his desire but I can’t find one. He does not masturbate or look at porn and he is not gay or having an affair. He readily declares that his lack of desire is no fault of mine. (Doing my best to not sound conceited) I’m young and attractive. Men and women alike – from work to church – openly congratulate my husband on having such a “hot” wife. I’m affectionate, supportive, respectful, I cook, clean, we never fight…

    He never initiates sexual intimacy. I try to make myself as available as possible, but I can’t count the number of times I’ve been rejected.
    “Not tonight honey, it’s been a long day”
    “Not tonight sweetie, I’ve got a big day tomorrow”
    “Sorry baby, my head is killing me. We’ll do it another time”
    “I’ve got a lot on my mind, it’ll have to wait”
    Even when I tell him that he doesn’t have to do anything, just lie back and I’ll perform oral sex, he still denies me.
    I nibble on his ear when we’re cuddled in bed – denied. I sneak up on him in the shower – denied. I come into the room in hot lingerie – denied. I send him flirty emails – denied. I even try to plan date nights days in advance. We have a wonderful time, but he never makes a move beyond a hug and a kiss. When I try to take it a step further – say, caress his crotch – I’m given an apology and a polite excuse. In a good year, we’d end up having sex maybe 6 to 10 times.

    When I try to have a heart-to-heart with him about sex, he get’s defensive. It doesn’t matter how gently or lovingly I go about it. In the rare instances when he initiates a conversation about sex, he says things like “I’m sorry I’m a disappointment”. I have NEVER called him a disappointment. God give me strength, I do my best prayerfully accept every rejection with kindness, forgiveness and love.

    I love my husband so much. I’m incredibly attracted to him and desire him immensely. I don’t want anyone else but him. I don’t know what else to do besides pray. It’s so hard for me because everywhere I turn there is this “rule” that men always want to have sex and that any wife who is even remotely desirable should have to swat her husband away with a stick. I know this stereotype must hurt my husband too, but he won’t discuss it any further than saying he just has a low sex drive. I’m giving my pain and rejection to The Lord, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit how difficult it is to trust in him on this one.

    • Kate
      June 13, 2013 | 2:45 pm

      Hi Sylvia,

      I hear your pain and am lifting you up! I wish I had a quick easy fix for you, but your hubby has a choice. Keep hanging on to the hope of Jesus. True hope is not just hope that our circumstances with change, but even more that we have hope in Jesus and his plan for our lives, regardless of whether or not our circumstances do change. Keep seeking Jesus and praying for you hubby, even when he doesn’t deserve it! Blessings, Kate

  39. Tammy
    June 9, 2013 | 11:07 am

    This July it will have been 3 years since my husband and I last had sex. I have two children and we went to sex therapy in order to have the second child because he was not interested in sex enough and yet did want the second child. Once I got pregnant the sex stopped and never returned despite me asking numerous times. Sometimes we would even have bets that if I won he would have sex with me. As the sex stopped the intimacy stopped too and recently I realised that we were barely even touching each other. I looked up causes for low libido in men and suspect that my husband may have low testosterone levels (not just because of a lack of libido but for other reasons as well) – I asked him if he would go for a test and he agreed to – we are now awaiting the results. However I also realised that with the rejection I have been protecting myself. I have asked for sex and I have prayed about it. Recently I told my husband that I was lonely – that I missed him and I missed sex with him. While we still have not had sex he has acknowledged that I need intimacy in some form. I am not sure what will happen after we get the blood test results – I have no idea what the values will be or what that will mean and it does make me anxious. It has been a long road and yet I have still not given up hope – this is not a sexless marriage in that we seldom have sex – we are not having it at all and for me that was not even close to normal which is why we have started with the medical issues.

    I love my husband. I am not sure if he knows that always though or what would make him feel more loved. I do not know if he just has a incredibly low libido or if there really is a medical issue here. I am not sure if a very bad pregnancy that I had has scared him a lot (I do still want another child but I know he says I must not go through that again).

    In some ways it is easier to be in the inbetween stages waiting for blood test results – we feel we have at least done something and that we accept each other which may have paved a way for the initimacy we have had recently. I am writing using the pronoun “we” which I know for a long time I have not been able to do. I really hope that we will get to the bottom of this and can somehow fix it or get to a stage where we can compromise enough to both feel satisfied in this marriage and with our children.

    • Kate
      June 26, 2013 | 8:21 pm

      Hi Tammy,
      I very much hope for healing in your marriage as well. Perhaps you even have your results back by now. It sounds like your husband wants to find a way through this as well, even though there has been little effort on his part. Keep seeking God on how to work through this sad and draining time in your marriage. Please know that our God is a God of hope and restoration. There is no gap in marriage that he can’t bridge. Lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

      • Tammy
        July 21, 2013 | 8:10 am

        We got the blood test results back and his testosterone is very low, however according to the labs we used it is just “low normal” – this means that he essentially has the testosterone levels of an 80 year old man at age 38 and that the doctors will not treat it because they say it is normal. I have asked for advice and have been told he should see an endocrinologist rather. Our medical aid has run out for this year, so now we must wait til next year to send him to another doctor. We are also speaking to a counsellor at the moment – one we spoke to previously in this marriage before there were these issues and I am hoping she will have some advice that can work for us. My husband does try – he agrees to discuss issues through a counsellor which is more than many men will and he went for the blood tests. I am trying to find out if there are ways to boost testosterone levels without medication and I imagine if I take control of that that he will not refuse to take vitamins etc, so I am grateful for that, but at the same time this is still very hard and very very lonely.

        • Tammy
          March 9, 2014 | 4:48 pm

          Its been a while since I wrote here – after the counselling my husband did try to increase intimacy in our relationship. I too have been trying, but it is very very difficult. We did have some sexual contact, but again since September there has been none and the longer it goes on the more I am pulling away for fear of rejection. Because of other medical issues on my side requiring numerous doctors visits, nothing has been done about my husband’s tests and I am scared that he will refuse to go for further tests so have not pushed the issue. I do care for my husband and he does love me, but there is a serious disconnect there which only a certain level of intimacy can heal. I am having to come to terms with the fact that not only will I likely never have the third child I desire, I will also very likely never have any more intimacy in this marriage and unless I seriously request and expect it, there will probably be almost no physical touch even. I know this is not what God planned for a marriage and I am not sure why He would allow this to happen. Nor am I sure what He would have me do about it. I can just keep praying… though in many ways I no longer know what it is I should pray for.

  40. Lukas
    June 9, 2013 | 12:01 pm

    My wife and I have reached a new low in our relationship and even though it’s not directly linked to our sex life this time, it is the root cause.

    I believe it was before we got married, without any suspicion or interrogation I explained to her that I had a problem with pornography which I have been struggling with and that I wanted to be open about it so not to hurt the relationship before it even started. I already accepted that it’s not healthy and a problem. Well, that obviously didn’t magically solve my addiction and early in our marriage we started struggling in the bedroom.
    My wife DRAGGED me to therapy (I still get the sick feeling just thinking back) and accepting the ultimatum I went through with it. The way I saw it was that we would openly discuss this under the calm guidance of a professional and finally she would have to listen to what I have to say as well. That was pointless though and I put it down to the fact that the therapist/s didn’t address our problem from a Christian perspective.
    We struggled on and I think our love for each other kept us together through it all.Over time though (we’ve been married almost 4 years now) I can finally say I found the miracle cure for porn addiction, and it was in fact a miracle… I started praying like I meant it and reading my Bible and asking my wife to pray for me as well and it just went away. Suddenly I was stronger than the temptation. My eyes was open to all the beautiful things in life! even just typing that makes me sigh in relief!

    However, the problems in the bedroom didn’t go away. What I find myself in now is that whenever we argue or don’t talk I can’t pray or read my bible with an open heart and that makes me weak again and I fall back into my old ways after which I torture myself for doing it. satan is indeed clever to use this against me and I’m not sure my wife even prays for me anymore. I guess what I need now is strength and ask that you pray for me please. That’s if you can make out most of my scribble. I’m trying to hit the submit button before I change my mind

    • Lukas
      June 9, 2013 | 12:25 pm

      If I could quickly try to put my finger on some of the problems we have now I would say that it’s related to the first comment on this post by Peacefulwife. Myself for example prefer to lead and I’m very sensitive to pretension as well. It needs to be ALL natural, REAL, which is easier said than done with the problems and hurt that got us here in the first place, I know. (More receiving than giving while still actively engaged) – Hope that gives some insight…

    • Kate
      June 26, 2013 | 8:46 pm

      Thank you Lucas for sharing your heart and your situation. My heart breaks for where you and your wife are, but there is hope!

      The enemy will always try to capitalize on our weaknesses when our marriage is not strong and connected. Yet even in those times, there can be freedom! You are so right that it is NOT easy by any means.

      I agree with the Peaceful Wife that lack of respect for our husbands can greatly add to situations such as yours. I am sorry that you find yourself feeling that way. As hard as it may be, pray and ask God how you need to step up and lead. Also seek to love your wife the way God desires, even if she doesn’t deserve it at times.

      Please know you are not alone and that I am lifting you up and believing for change! Blessings, Kate

  41. Anonymous
    June 13, 2013 | 10:27 pm

    Due to the medications my husband is on he can not get enough of an erection to have sex but he can ejaculate. We go through the motions and he ejaculates with little to no paricipation from me. He could be off of the medication with weight loss. He is seeing our Pastor for a year now about this but nothing has changed. My husband has not told him of the sex issue only that he has a food addiction.
    This has been going on for 15 years. I have never been involved in the meetings. I am so ashamed and fear that talking about this would only put thoughts of this in the Pastors mind when he would see me. How would I continue to fellowship at church if he knew all of this. I have been married for 25 years and really love my husband and he loves me. This is killing me!

    • Kate
      June 26, 2013 | 8:58 pm

      Hi Anonymous,

      Thank you for writing and sharing where you and your hubby are. I understand your reluctance in wanting your Pastor to know about your sexual intimacy issues, and yet the church should be a place where we can go and share our marital issues, including sexual issues. If you trust your pastor, you and your hubby should be able to talk with him. If not him then find a good professional Christian Counselor to see! We ALL are going to experience sexual intimacy issues at some point in our marriage and perhaps many times. Remember that isolation keep us from healing and making steps forward!

      Keep praying for God’s guidance and talk to someone about what has been going on. It is never to late to get help! Lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  42. gary
    June 17, 2013 | 10:59 pm

    We went from 40 or 50 to less than 12
    It is still driving me nuts
    She to me that I need to initiate most of the time is that fair?

    • Kate
      June 26, 2013 | 9:01 pm

      Hi Gary,

      I am not sure exactly what you mean by your comment. If you would share some more, we would love to hear what you share. Blessings, Kate

  43. Josh
    July 7, 2013 | 3:39 pm

    But what do you do??? Let me start with a story.

    There was a traveling salesman who didn’t have any family to come home to. No wife or kids. No friends due to his extensive traveling, he always came home to an empty house every time he returned. He decided
    To get an exotic fish tank and a few fish to have that since of belonging to or having someone depending on him to feed them. One night after he returned once again from working out of town he fed the fish and began to talk to them as he snuggled up to a pillow and went to sleep. That night as he slept the thermostat malfunctioned and the tank began to heat up. He awoke the next morning to see his beloved fish bloated,floating and boiled to death. As he sit there with tears streaming down his face he asked a question that I bet most of you all have wondered “I was so close to them through the night, I wonder if they screamed and I didn’t hear them.” Even though he was close to them and loved them He didn’t hear them scream.
    I would venture to say that most people who will read this can say that they love their spouses and they truly believe that their spouses love them too but there is a disconnect somewhere. You feel like your in the downtown square, in the midst of a crowd just screaming to top of your lungs but no one hears you. The one thing that helps me is to know that even though my spouse doesn’t hear me, God does. I know how it feels to feel like your about to explode with anger, rage and more often that not just tears. Through it all I know that Jesus hears and He cares

    • Kate
      July 25, 2013 | 1:16 pm

      Hi Josh,
      Thanks for sharing this visual! You are so right! God hears and can be our all! He always wants to be our all, even when we are married. He wants to come first! It is hard to do this when we are hurting and yet it is in those times God is simply waiting with open arms for us to turn to him! Keep seeking to cry out to Jesus! Blessings, Kate

  44. Jim
    July 8, 2013 | 4:17 pm

    On April 26, 2012, Brad and Kate wrote that churches need to start making marriage ministry a top priority.
    Excellent and worthy concept. Do you all know of churches where this takes place, and how does it specifically function ? At my smaller church about 80% of the people are already older than 50, and the main pastor is older than 70. I once hinted to an elder about preaching from the Song of Solomon sometime, but his immediate response was a smirk, then he attempted to justify a proper answer. What a letdown from a leader in the church. In 11 years i have never heard a Sunday sermon about the proper roles and duties and priveliges of husbands and wives. One can view this all as a huge avoidance by the church. Not sure why this is the case, as the many very important commands by God himself are found in the Bible. Maybe the church leaders feel too much shame, or say “sex is a very private matter between husband and wife.” But this is one matter which can lead to dead marriages and little interest in doing other worthy activities in the church. It appears that foreign missions often enjoy a much higher priority, as if saying “don’t bother us with your marital issues….”
    And who has gone to a pastor for marital counseling, and what could he really do, other than saying “you need to pray and just love your spouse” ?
    I think most men would feel really humiliated admitting marital issues to someone at church. A pastor should be bold enough to stand in front of the congregation and actually quote Bible verses about marriage. if he cannot do even that, then we have weak churches indeed. A loving marriage unit is supposed to be the basic foundation of an orderly society in almost all cultures. Comments ?

    • Joshua
      July 8, 2013 | 6:35 pm

      I believe that most people that have been raised in church or have been in it for a while believe that sex is dirty and it shouldn’t be discussed. One reason is that as Christians we are to be “Christ Like” and Christ never struggled with sex in a marriage. Most older folks, over 50, remember the 60′s and 70′s when sex exploded on the main stream and sex was so perverse that it left a negative stigma in their minds. Also Christians are taught that if it pleasures your flesh then it’s probably the work of the enemy via temptations.( like how the devil tempted Jesus during his 40 day fast) Since the pillars of most organizations feel this way sex remains an undiscussed topic, even though it is such a fundamental part of a marriage. Unfortunately in movies and TV portray sex as just something else to do like holding hands and kissing. As to why most pastors just say pray and love them, they probably have the under the rock mentality that all a husband has to do is make money and the wife just stays at home with the 2.5 kids, cooks, cleans and doesn’t truly have any say. There for it is a perpetual problem that leads to divorce, that’s why divorce in the church mirrors that of non believers

    • Joshua
      July 8, 2013 | 6:36 pm

      That was a reply to Jim’s comment

    • Brad
      July 8, 2013 | 10:03 pm

      Jim,
      Thank you for your comment. I think this is a very important issue! I’ve written some about it in various posts, especially “The Marriage Pastor” and “Is Marriage Important to the Church?” Since I’ve written those posts I’ve talked to many pastors about the issues as well as found some churches who are addressing the issue well. It is something that I passionately believe in and I would love to see the role of “marriage pastor” become as prevalent as youth pastor is now. This is such an important issue that I’ve been working on a follow up post for some time in the near future.

      Thanks for your comments!

    • Kate
      July 25, 2013 | 1:46 pm

      Hi Jim,

      These are so awesome questions and thanks for asking them and opening up the discussion! We are still digging out from our move and getting back to comments and emails so forgive out lack of input!

      First I want to say that there are some churches out there doing marriage ministry and honestly, they are churches that are thriving in great ways. Because we have written these articles and because we are heading up the marriage ministry at our church we have had the privilege of talking with many of these churches and meeting with a few. It is hard when you are a smaller church and have 80-20 ratio going on. Believe me we know! We served in a smaller church for 6 years and staff/leadership and it was that same scenario and man was it frustrating! I think a few things are helpful!

      1. The church leadership needs to decide what they believe about sex and marriage and why! Also they need to dive into the word and see how what they believe compares to what God’s plan for marriage is! The reality is that many churches don’t know what the Bible says and also they have varying opinions among the leadership. You also have varying marriages within your leadership. Some (many times including Pastors) don’t have good marriages or sex and intimacy, so therefore don’t want to preach about it. Many pastors are ok admitting that they struggle in areas, but who wants to get up and admit that they struggle with marriage, sex and intimacy? Not to many, cause it is hard. But we have allowed that to hinder us, no to cripple us!

      2. We need to have a good solid, to the core of who we are in Christ curriculum to lead our church through. And while there are tons of great things out there that truly walk you through marriage builders and principles, there is only one curriculum that we have found that gets to the CORE and that is the ReEngage curriculum that was created by Watermark Community Church in Dallas Texas. Doesn’t matter how big your church is, you can walk your married couples through this curriculum a couple of times a year. It is designed to be done year round, but in a smaller setting I think it would work doing classes. Honestly it is great! Check them out and talk with them about getting ReEngage started at your church.

      3. We need leaders like yourself Jim, that are willing to step up and say, “my marriage isn’t perfect, but we want to learn with others how to have a God’s designed marriage!” Its about doing life together and in this case “married life” together. Local churches need people who are passionate about marriage and specifically about their own marriage, even if you are struggling at times!

      Our blog has been an incredible surprise and blessing, but it is completely God’s! We are blessed that he would use us in this way, but for us it is about being a part of a marriage revolution, where those who love Jesus and are seeking to accept and understand how much He loves them want to see marriages flourish as He intended! And to see Jesus followers become sex positive and encourage others in this!

      Thanks so much for your thoughts and questions, Jim and for all of the chat going on around this! Join us in becoming apart of the marriage revolution! Blessings, Kate

      http://www.watermark.org/ministries/reengage–marriage-ministry/

      • Jim
        October 9, 2013 | 12:29 am

        @Kate, I did see your lengthy comment at end of June, and now while reviewing older comments I felt I should write a big thanks. But now another thing: when i share with my wife that we should be doing more things together (sexual and otherwise) , and I say it would be good for us and our marriage, she gets offended by that. I almost wonder if she feels being married is really not all that special and significant. And what did she really mean by her vows ” to love, honor and cherish” ?

  45. Anonymous
    July 10, 2013 | 9:06 pm

    I’m really glad that I stumbled upon this site! I googled “no sex in Christian marriage” and this is one of the sites that popped up. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, so we still consider ourselves newlyweds, but we have not had sex yet. I was a virgin before we married (and still am!), but he was/is not. The interesting thing is that, over the course of our brief marriage, we have switched positions completely. When we were first married, I was really nervous about having sex and afraid of the pain, and my husband was raring to go. We tried to have sex a few times, but it didn’t really work out. After that, I didn’t really feel the desire for my husband that I thought I should, so I prayed that God would restore that to me. The good news is that he has, and I desire my husband more than ever! The bad news is that my husband doesn’t seem as interested in sex now as I am! He says that he doesn’t want to put any undue pressure or stress on me, and “when God wants it to happen it will just happen.” I have tried to explain to him that sometimes we have to act on faith, that God created sex for marriage, and that we are, in a sense, out of order, but he keeps repeating the same answer. I’m not sure if his lack of interest is due to low libido or what; naturally, when I broached that subject, he immediately got defensive, so I backed off. I’m at a loss, and I feel just wretched about the whole situation. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and lonely due to lack of intimacy. Advice or comments would be greatly appreciated!

    • Kate
      August 9, 2013 | 4:32 pm

      Hi Anonymous, thanks for writing and sharing. Thank you for being vulnerable! The good news I see here is that you are a year into your marriage and you have identified that you have a hurdle you are not sure how to get over. Too many couples have these hurdles early on in their marriage and they remain silent about them for years until the hurdle is a steel enforced wall that cannot be broken easily.

      That being said, having sex and intimacy issues in the beginning of marriage and anytime in marriage really, is completely normal. You are not alone, we have heard many stories similar. Our own story had hurdles in the beginning and throughout our 14 years of marriage.

      The key is to reach out to help when you get to a hurdle and cannot get over it. You have reached out to us and I am so thankful. Yet I want to encourage you to reach out to someone who is closer to where you and your hubby live. A professional Christian counselor, a trusted pastor at your church or a couple who you know has a solid marriage and would be willing to talk openly and honestly with you-not avoiding ANY topic.

      You guys need a place to talk about the last year and a listening (non-partial)ear to discern! Seeking help is hard many times for one or both husband and wife. But truly it is a brave step FOR your marriage. If you don’t step out in faith and get help, your marriage will continue on the path that it currently is. Please know that God is with you, that he wants good things for your marriage. Reach out to him and he will be there.

      Also pray for your hubby! Pray that God would bless him and reveal to him how much he loves him! We tend to set prayer aside when we don’t get what we want, when we want it. God is still there waiting with open arms to comfort and guide you!

      Don’t give up hope! Blessings, Kate

      • handle with care
        August 10, 2013 | 5:40 am

        I want to say how grateful for this advice I would have been thirty years ago, this has indeed put up a waqll in our marriage and I thought it was my place to accept this trial as part of my mortal experience, as it was expressed to me at the time by our pastor. So, I would urge you both to see a professional rather than someone who is not properly informed a bout the nuts and bolts of sexual experience. It’s an investment that will pay of not only for you but for your children should they come along.What a wonderful blessing this conversation is.

  46. Jim
    July 11, 2013 | 1:08 am

    Thank you, Joshua and Brad, for your replies. During my teen years I was in a family without a mother, and my dad felt bitter and so alone for being divorced. The topic of sex was never discussed, and anything to do with it was bad and dirty, even though we went to Bible-believing churches every Sunday and Wed eve.
    So for many years, before finding these Christian marriage blogs and videos, it was hard to reconcile that Christianity and a joyful married sex life could be celebrated and encouraged at the same time. It was also hard to imagine that a Christian women would be enthusiastic about sexual intimacy.
    1Corinthians 7:9. ….it is better to marry than to burn.
    The implication is that God wants us to have our sexual needs met in marriage, by a loving and generous spouse.
    I have never been to a marriage seminar or retreat.
    Can you people tell me if the leaders really do give real and practical advice regarding a one-flesh sexual union, or is the emphasis mostly on verbal communication and cooperation ?
    I think the message of most churches is that spiritual intimacy with God is the higher calling of a Christian, and that sexual intimacy is somehow to be tolerated and not celebrated in public prayer. Kinda sad that most pastors never mention God’s design of sex in Sunday morning worship services or in adult Sunday School classes.

    • Joshua
      July 11, 2013 | 1:14 pm

      Jim, let me start by saying seaking Godly and spiritual help and encouragement for your marriage speaks volume of your relationship with God and your love for your spouse. I am encouraged when I read posts that include God in the mix. I’ve only been exposed to this site for a few months now and it has helped me to know that I’m not alone in the woes of marriage. I too was raised in a Christian home by which my father was a minister and neither my Mom or Dad ever talked to me about anything pertaining to marriage. I got married straight out of HS and just took the “Learn as you go” approach, and let me tell you WOW!!! (I feel as if I’m rambling on here)…In my experience most leaders speak on loving your spouse as Christ loves the church and making sure you adhere to her needs as the Chief Shepard of the home and that’s about it. The term “Love” is stretched out to mean sexual, mental, physical, (the most important one)emotional needs of your wife. In my 32 years on this earth I’ve never heard a minister divulged how important SEX is in a marriage unless it was a special service for couples or young marrieds but still barely scratched the surface . Now if you go to a couples retreat or seminar then you can expect more in detailed approach to marriage but still the ones I’ve been to didn’t really attack the issue like it should. I guess, if I try to understand why, I’d say that the term “SEX” has been diluted and polluted by the world to where if you find a virgin over the age of 18 or in college, you’ve found the minority as opposed to the majority which is different from past generations. By desensitizing the masses on the issue of sex, it has taken the sacred vow of marriage and turned it into another part of the relationship. “If it feels good then do it” seems to be the approach and there for creates problems in the future.
      Wow, I’ve went off the deep end on this one!!! Sorry for rambling but I love to get my 2 cents out there and sometimes I chase that rabbit down the whole. God bless and Jim, I’ll say a special prayer for you today. Thanks BradnKate for this site again

      • Kate
        August 9, 2013 | 4:34 pm

        We appreciate you sharing! Thanks Joshua! Blessings, Kate

    • Kwala
      July 17, 2013 | 12:24 am

      I find it funny the 1 Corinthians verse says it’s better to marry than burn with passion. But what happens if you ARE married and still burn with passion because your needs aren’t getting met?! I swear it would be easier to be unmarried, having casual sex or paying for sex than in a cold, non intimate marriage.

      • Jim
        July 20, 2013 | 12:57 am

        Hi Kwala, I assume many readers here have the same sentiment about being married and still burning with passion. And the situation is not made any easier for us men, knowing there are attractive women everywhere.

      • Kate
        August 9, 2013 | 4:46 pm

        Hi Kwala,

        I think that 1 Corinthians say that because it is true. You are right that you should not have to burn while married! You will get no argument from us on that. Yet, you say it would be easier to not be married and have all the sex you want. But 1 Corinthians says, it is better to burn then marry, thus implying that if you are unmarried, you would be burning, not satisfying that burn.

        1 Cor. 7 talks boldly to marriage couples not to deny one another. My thoughts here are, if Paul thought it important enough to remind everyone of that-it WAS already a problem in his day. This is not a new phenomenon by any means!

        God knew men and women would struggle with the greatest blessing he would give them as husband and wife. There are two sides to each marriage. We as a church have to stand up and talk about these issues and seek to better understand each other and God’s plan for marriage.

        Always remember that God’s true hope is not that he WILL change oour circumstances (though we hope that he will), but rather that he has a plan and purpose for our life, whether or not our circumstances do change!

        Hold on to that hope! Blessings, Kate

        • Sadly Divorced
          September 5, 2013 | 1:01 pm

          You should
          not have to burn while married! YES!!!!

      • Jim
        September 18, 2013 | 9:53 pm

        I have read comments in these blogs by wise women who say “Why would we wives not want to respect and sexually fulfill our husbands ? It takes so little time and it makes them feel so loved and appreciated, and the overall benefits to us wives and to the marriage are so powerful.” We men are simple beings and it does not take too much to please us. And if some spouses think sexual pleasures in marriage are beneath their sense of propriety and dignity, let them read Proverbs 5:18-19. Even eating good food is a physical pleasure, but in a different way, of course. I wish all pastors would say these verses publicly; even the singles should hear these verses, so they will know their churches hold sex in marriage to be Godly and joyful. They need to proclaim there is no shame in sex, in the proper context.

  47. Morgan
    July 15, 2013 | 10:43 pm

    Kate,
    I was happy to see that I am not the only one having this problem. Here is a little bit of background info about my wife and I. We are both 23 (she’s a day older than me), we have been married for just over two years and for the most part, we have a happy, healthy relationship. We have decent communication with each other and we are both Christians. In the early stages of our marriage, I craved sex much more than she did but now it seems that things have flip flopped. I am in the military and about 5 months into our marriage, I deployed to Afghanistan for 7 months. About halfway through the deployment, she started acting different and I found out that she cheated on me on two occasions with another man. We almost got divorced when I returned from the deployment but we decided to hold on and after much strain, I forgave her and let go of it. We never saw a couselor for it but for a long time, I had trust issues with her. I have since let go of those issues and we are mostly back to normal but ever since then, my sexual desire (for her) has really suffered. Before the deployment, we probably had sex 3+ times a week, After the deployment, maybe 2-3 times a month. Now we have a 3 month old baby and we haven’t had sex in almost 8 months (she went into preterm labor at around 7 months so for a while, we couldn’t have sex anyway but that was perfectly fine with me). I still have almost no desire to have sex with her but I really want to have that desire back, if that makes any sense. I still masturbate (alone) 2-3 times a week so I don’t think that there is anything wrong with my phsical sexual health (low testosterone levels, etc.). I would apprectiate any advice on how to regain the desire I had before the infidelity. We have both talked about the fact that our sex life sucks and I know it bothers her a lot more than she shows but it also bothers me a lot. I really want to get back how things were before, I just don’t know how to. I can’t say that I’ve really tried talking to God about it but after reading so many posts by people who have been doing that, I will definitely start praying about it. Any other advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

    • Joshua
      July 17, 2013 | 1:56 am

      Morgan, I truly believe that you may have resentment buried deep inside and it may even be suppressed, but its there. You obviously don’t want to feel that way so therefore even though you look at her as your wife that you love and want to make it work with, behind the scenes you have suppressed hurt and distrust. If you don’t come to terms with it then it’ll be packed down and one will find its way to the light. I had an affair with an old girlfriend almost 11 years ago and it still comes up on occasions so I know my wife never got closure, and we’ve been married for almost 14 years. If I could give you 1 word of advice it would be to turn to Him. The bible says “He’s the friend that sticketh closer than a brother”, it also says that nothing’s to big for God to handle, He’ll help you and give you the encouragement you need to make it another day. If not for you, for your precious baby.
      Hopefully these scriptures will help and start encouraging you.
      1 Corinthians 13:3-8 (Message Bible)
      If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. (1 Corinthians 13:3-8 MSG) God Bless

    • Kate
      August 9, 2013 | 4:58 pm

      Hi Morgan,
      Thanks so much for sharing your story and where you and your wife are. I appreciate your willingness to share openly! I agree with Joshua in that while you have forgiven your wife, there has not been healing in your life and heart from the hurt she has caused. The good news is, you can have freedom from that which is still weighing on you!

      Seeking counseling or talking to a pastor or a trusted couple who has a solid marriage would really be a good thing for you guys. A note of warning though, it will feel like you are opening up old wounds and making things worse for a while. Why, because you are, but the wounds never truly healed and they won’t until you open them up and let them heal properly.

      The other thing that I would suggest is praying for God to restore your desire for your wife. I have seen this answer prayer on many occasions! Go to God with that and it will not return void! Though remember sometimes our prayers and what we want does not happen immediately, so be patient.

      Also you can seek God on how he wants you to be as a husband. How can you best love and serve your wife. Ask God about that and follow how he leads you!

      Thanks again for your openness! I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  48. Jim
    July 20, 2013 | 1:17 am

    Sometimes it seems having TVs in a house can be damaging to marriages, in part due to the spouse bashing portrayed on many shows. When my wife has free days, she feels very comfortable sitting alone in front of the TV from 6 am to about 11 pm. If I try to hug or kiss her at those times she will reject me outright or allow me, but without her showing any enthusiasm.
    Now she told me “Sex is not a part of marriage”.
    What ?? I told her, sex is important to a good marriage, why else do people get married, if basically all other types of interaction male-female as unmarrieds are moral ?
    She has not attended any Sunday church service in 11 years. So I feel odd being at church events where 95% of the people are married, with being spouses there together. Recently I asked the pastor some basics about having an active marriage ministry, but he gave me a rather superficial response “You need to live in God’s grace.”

    • handle with care
      July 20, 2013 | 7:59 am

      Hi guys, I’m wondering if you might benefit from Brad’s post on the sexless marriage trap for you guys.
      I can really identify having been in a practically celibate marriage for over thirty years, and that gets to a woman. We too can have problems keeping focus when there are many temptations, and I believe this is why we need to understand that only the enemy would wish us to undermine our families with infidelity. It won’t result in a happier more sexually fulfilled marriage that’s for sure.
      I’ve recently come across a great book that really develops the idea of marriage as needing to be of one flesh, helps us understand how common our challenges are and so kind of normalises them. What he also does is set out a program for change and challenge, which is good for whichever partner you are, either the less or more desirous at any point in the marriage. I have no links with the author. It’s called ‘Intimacy and Desire’ by David Schnarch. I love the work of drawing nearer to my husband in a way that does not freak him out, and the interesting thing is that it has brought about big changes in our relationship. We are closer now than ever I might have imagined, and it’s almost been worth the wait. But I would say please, please don’t sit there doing nothing to change things. Book a session with a good sex therapist, buy this book, or another one, and do whatever you can constructively do to change things today. Why wouldn’t you?

    • Kate
      August 9, 2013 | 5:07 pm

      Hi Jim,

      TV can definitely have a negative affect on marriage in so many ways. It took us awhile, but we no longer have TV (cable) in our house. We still have a TV and watch movies and do get a Netflix subscription, but we don’t use the TV very often and that has been a huge blessing in our marriage. My hubby was the one who turned to TV to relax and then wondered why we had no alone time. So we have learned much and opened up a huge amount of time by getting rid of cable!

      We are passionate about local churches doing their own marriage ministry! It is so needed. Yet it is hard for smaller churches to find volunteers to head it up. You might send your pastor to http://www.watermark.org/ministries/reengage–marriage-ministry/

      This is an amazing marriage ministry and curriculum that can be done at any church. We are heading it up at our church and it truly is revolutionary! Watermark is days away from launching a new website that will have information about how to do ReEngage in your local church.

      Blessings, Kate

  49. Lady bug
    July 31, 2013 | 7:07 pm

    I am the one with the higher drive in our marrage. I have heard repeatedly from people who drive have dropped or just left the building …. Sex is not important? So my big question is. When they had their drive … Was it just sex ?? Not a way to be one flesh not a way to connect ? Did it not have meaning to them? I try to be understanding because he dose have medical problem. But he won’t even try the testastone because bottom line it might bring back his drive. This is my second marrage in my first I was always sexually available he cheated on me and left after 17 years. I am beginning to wonder if God’s real desire for my life was to never be married. But if I had not married . I would not have 2 great grown kids .

    • pixie
      August 1, 2013 | 10:46 am

      Well I feel for you I am in the same situation but am female… Have just emailed my pastor an article about sexless marriages and asked him to preach about it as a sexless marriage is not a marriage in Gods eyes, from what I have learned, and that bothers and scares me!!

      • lynn
        August 7, 2013 | 10:32 am

        Well an update…Anytime my husband emails our pastor about ANYTHING he responds to him IMMEDIATELY!!! Well it has been a week and he has never even responded to my email!! Think its also interesting that I have learned my husband has confided (to our pastor)almost everything I have done wrong in my life but did not confess his “secrets’(looking at porn for years)and ALOT of other things!!!) What a bunch of hypocrits!! How sad to feel this way about your pastor….

        • Kwala
          August 7, 2013 | 10:22 pm

          Seeing it’s the day to do updates, here’s mine: the stress, depression, tears, disappointment of everything finally caught up with me last week. I had a seizure and ended up in hospital. So now it’s affecting my marriage and family in more ways than one. No I don’t know why God hasn’t changed stuff. Can I bear this? So now this goes on the back burner until my health gets sorted out.

    • Kate
      August 9, 2013 | 5:13 pm

      Hi Lady Bug,
      Thanks for writing and sharing. That is a great question and I truly believe that the response “sex is not important” is just a cover for not wanting to deal with their sex life as it is now! When sex is good, it is important, when sex is not good or you have no desire for it-it is not important. We make it what we want, what suits us currently, so we don’t have to change, when we know we need to!

      I don’t know why your hubby doesn’t want to deal with it, but I will tell you, that many times they feel hopeless. I would think that he wonders, what if “that” doesn’t work, what will I try then? And I will feel even more like a failure sex wise. Rather then if I try that it might work and then I will have to actually have sex. Deep down I believe all men and women want to have a good sex life, but are confused and don’t know which way to turn and yes sometimes they don’t want to make the effort to change.

      Keep praying and doing the things I shared in the article! Blessings, Kate

      • Lady bug
        August 14, 2013 | 1:49 pm

        Thank you so much for this site. To know I am not alone in this is a big help. As I begain to pray about the situation . I begain to think ….God may use this some how and if it brings him glory or I can help someone else by all this… OK Lord. …..I can’t talk to the hubby he just get deficive . So I am now putting all the events in a journal . I pray for God to take all the bitterness out of my heart the hurt , and the resentful ness . I pray that I can be kind hearted the wife God wants me to be. I am going to do my best never to say anything else about us not having a sexual relationship. I pray daily for no temptations to be put in front of me to stain my marriage. I even took the testostone and put it under the bathroom sink .this is in God’s hands . I am leaving it there.

        • Kate
          August 18, 2013 | 4:40 pm

          Praying with you, Lady Bug! Kate

  50. Dreaming
    August 2, 2013 | 2:48 am

    This site put me in tears. I’ve search all over and can never find Christian help about this issues for women. My hubby and I were both virgins till marriage. Yet, we’ve been married almost two years and still haven’t had sex. I’ve tried talking to hubs but he’s so embarrassed and ashamed. I cry myself to sleep many nights bc I feel so rejected, ugly, unwanted, and sexually frustrated. I’ve always had a high sex drive yet was determined to white knuckle it till marriage and remain pure. But now I’m married and still fighting temptation and wrestling to be pure. I get so anger and talk so mean and harshly to my hubby and I feel so guilty but I’m so hurt and it’s changing who I am. I feel so alone and ashamed… Why doesn’t he want me? I’m mad that I have to fight lustful thoughts and urges to sin when I’m married and should be having sex. I’m so scared all be a 30yr old married virgin. Everyone says marry your best friend but they never mention that you may have no spark with your friend. I love him sooo much and it’s hard for me to have so many mixed emotions. Anyways I finally googled the right thing that lead me hear. I’m so tired of hearing the other side of this issue. Women want sex too!!!!!

    • Kate
      August 9, 2013 | 5:19 pm

      You are so right Dreaming! Women want sex too! It is hard when people don’t talk about both sides of this issue and it is hurtful. Our story is the other way around, but that is just our story and by no means the “norm”.

      I hope that we haven’t made you cry in a sad way! :( Our desire is to speak truth and light into these dark corners of marriage, that the church (specifically) has ignored for way too long.

      Have you guys tried counseling? I know it is hard to do that, but it truly is a brave step FOR your marriage. Or perhaps a pastor or trusted couple with a solid marriage. Isolation will only keep this in the darkness. You need to bring it into the light of Jesus. The enemy wants to keep you guys in the disorienting darkness. Please know that your voice is not lost and that there are so many couples who are struggling in the same way that you are! I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

      • Dreaming
        August 13, 2013 | 3:16 am

        Thanks. It’s just a relief to know other women are out there. I get so tired or hearing Christian marriage stuff about non-sexual women and never the opposite. It’s so shameful for a women because she feels like something is wrong with her. Why am I not good enough? I think hubs and I are both ashamed to get help for this. I wish older married couples would check in on us younger ones especially in church. We feel like we have no one to turn to. Thanks for the prayers we know they move mountains.

        • Kate
          August 13, 2013 | 4:33 pm

          I believe you have hit on a very important point Dreaming! Women in the church who have a solid marriage and have been married for a while should be seeking out and mentoring the younger women in the church! It is certainly the way God wants it and NOT the way many women are doing it! Thanks for sharing and remember you ARE GOOD ENOUGH! You are God’s beloved! Truly!

    • Lisa
      August 12, 2013 | 4:50 pm

      I just want to say that I will lift you guys up in prayer as well! And I wholeheartedly agree that it needs to come into the light of Jesus. Please try to see if he is willing to get help. Or even read a book on the subject, a christian book that emphasises that GOD MADE SEX FOR MARRIED COUPLES. It is GOOD , and right to do it. And I dare say, BAD not to do it. Hang in there girl, and again, I’ll pray for you guys!

      • Dreaming
        August 13, 2013 | 3:17 am

        Thanks you, Lisa!! It means a lot!

      • Kate
        August 13, 2013 | 4:34 pm

        Wise words, Lisa! Thanks for sharing! We appreciate it so much! Kate

    • Sam
      March 9, 2014 | 2:15 pm

      Again it seems that this waiting until marriage is possibly a problem? The ones that find it easier to wait, sometimes years, until they are married are perhaps the ones with low desire anyway? It is difficult to go from “just say no” to “never say no” in as short a time as saying “I do”. these habits of abstinence take a toll on body and soul leaving you with all the tools to avoid sex but perhaps few ways of talking and opening up to intimacy.
      As for marrying your best friend – once again it trains you into a way of thinking about a person that excludes sex from the heart of the relationship – you get to know the mind while learning to pretend they have no body (at least not one you can ever touch).

  51. Ex388woman
    August 11, 2013 | 3:18 pm

    This is a situation I have been going through for most of my 22 yr. marriage. At first sex was good for us through the first 3-5 yrs. Slowly over time his sex drive lapsed to once every few weeks to 3-6 months until now we have gone for 2 yrs without any physical contact. Recently he told me he is gay, yes we are christians and attend church regularly. I take my vows seriously but I don’t know if I can face a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. He says he loves me and wants to work things out but he has no attraction to the female body. What am I to do????

    • Kate
      August 13, 2013 | 4:50 pm

      Hi Ex388woman,

      My heart breaks for both you and your hubby. His desire is to work things out, that is a good thing. Remember God can redeem anything! He can bring healing in areas we never thought possible. I would suggest that you guys find a licensed Christian counselor to talk to. Ask your church or trusted friends where to go. If they are good, they will not condemn you but at the same time challenge you. I am lifting you up right now! Believing for restoration! Kate

      • lynn
        August 16, 2013 | 12:48 am

        +I think this is just ANOTHER way to blame the other person!!!I do not think he wants to be there with you, every step of the way!! Know my husband claims to be devoted to God and our marriage….but do not think so….It is a sin not to be with one another, but he has lost that part of his religion a LONG time ago!!! Do not think you can pick and choose what is “right” for you as that is not how devotion to God and one another works!!!

        • Kate
          August 18, 2013 | 4:37 pm

          Hi Lynn,

          I so appreciate you sharing, but remember that your experience with your husband does not mean that every husband will respond that way. In her comment EX388woman shared from her own words that her husband wants to work things out. Being tempted by homosexual thoughts is a temptation and not itself a sin. I take what she shares to be truth, I can do nothing else and she shares that he wants to work it out.

          In these times people need love and encouragement! I do hear a world of hurt in your comment though and for that I am truly sorry. I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  52. soc487
    August 13, 2013 | 5:47 am

    Finding a site like this is reassuring because it potentially offers the hope of other people finding solutions that may help. But I’ve been in this situation for a long time (wife not interested, doesn’t understand why it’s a problem), and knowing that other people have this issue kind of gives her permission to say: “see, it’s quite normal to not have sex – loads of people are married and not having sex”. Isn’t that just part of the trap – another friend said “he thinks other couples are having sex all the time, but they’re really not!”. So brushing it under the carpet fuels ignorant comments like that, but bringing it out in the open just makes it seem “normal”. What is needed is solutions! What is the real way out of sexless marriage? What is the answer? Libido-compatibility tests before marriage? Medication to equalise libido?
    It’s not fair to either partner to make them live in this tension, waiting for solutions that never come (!). While all the while the stigma and shame of potential divorce hangs over you like a threat to make you stay in unhappiness.

    • Kate
      August 13, 2013 | 4:39 pm

      Trust me soc487, that it is never our intention to be able to allow either spouse license to say “see it is normal, so it is ok for me NOT to do anything about it!” It is our goal to raise awareness, talk about the tough stuff, help them to know they are not alone (thus they are normal in a sense-they are not freaks-which many feel they truly are) and to challenge them that God has great plans for sex in marriage and NOT doing it is NOT part of that plan! So please know that. And that people will read and get what they want to out of any marriage resource. If they are looking for permission to continue on as they are, then they will find that!

      Keep praying, asking God how you can be as a husband, no matter what your wife does or doesn’t do! It is hard, but it is what he is asking!

      He will be there with you every step of the way! Blessings, Kate

      • lynn
        August 16, 2013 | 3:08 pm

        Kate, In your reply you say “If they are looking for permission to continue on as they are, then they will find that!!!! Hope this is a typo and should say then they will NOT find that!!!!!

        • Kate
          August 18, 2013 | 4:20 pm

          Hi Lynn,

          Thanks for asking for clarity, but it was not a typo. I mean that some people read our posts and get from them what THEY want. They are looking for permission to “say ok, well I am normal then if many struggle with this”. As much as we try to avoid that, if someone is looking for permission, they will seek it out and find it somewhere. It is the sad reality of how we as humans try to rationalize things when we know they are wrong. They will NOT however, find permission from us! We want people to know that struggles are normal and that they are not alone in their struggles, but that they have to seek God and change themselves!

          I hope that is clearer. Blessings, Kate

  53. Anonymous
    September 3, 2013 | 2:51 am

    I am also a higher sex drive wife. And believe it or not there is at least one man (mine!) out there who would rather cuddle. We have been married for 11/2 years. I see many hurting men posting they don’t believe it is a problem or as big of a problem for women. I disagree. EVERY Christian article and book I’ve read on marriage and how to be a good wife lists sex as a top need of a husband. What if your husband has a lower drive and doesn’t pursue, look, touch, suggest, seem to need–like these articles lead everyone to believe every man does? what if he doesnt desire like he is assumed to?what if you are a wife who feels connected more to your husband and to life itself through sexual connection? Reading this over and over is extremely hurtful and has caused me deep shame. Rarely if ever is a mention made in these articles or books how a wife is affected by not being pursued, desired, intimate w her man. It seems most things are written by formally rejected Christian husbands whose wives who now enjoy sex or these wives and how they were damaging their marriage and husband and now promote married sex. I haven’t come across the reverse yet. I think the number of higher sex drive wives is probably much greater than the 25% of marriages I’ve seen but it is a very acceptable stereotype of the rejected husband and sexily stingy wife. It is acceptable in our society for men to be sexual, to be fulfilled in sex, to want, desire and need sex. Not so much for a woman. But it doesn’t make it less true.

    It is acceptable for men to crack jokes about not getting sex or to make comments they want more sex than their wife. I think on both parts, based on societal expectation and accepted teachings, it would be shameful for both the low sex drive husband and the rejected wife to talk about this in any format. I’m sure many, many rejecting husbands join in or are even the ones cracking these jokes and making these comments to protect the image of their manhood. I have felt the same anger, hurt, bitterness and despair as the husbands on this thread and feel their pain but I cannot talk to anyone and i cannot make jokes. I even had a confidante mention how much pain she was in over her near sexless marriage and didn’t confess to her that I understood-bc of the shame plus I didn’t want to embarrass and dishonor my husband. I guarantee many, many more women are silently suffering. It is not an accepted topic.

    The advice given is so shallow while being rejected–turn to God for all my needs (I’m not spiritual enough evidently to still want and need comfort and connection with the one I love in the flesh), be comforted knowing you are not alone (no this just makes me hurt deeply for others), look for the good you do have in other areas of your marriage (I guess I’m not strong enough to enjoy just our friendship alone),take this opportunity to become more holy, marriage is not about someone making you happy, etc.

    I must confess that we have come a long way and I am so extremely grateful that my husband listened AND cared when I told him how I was affected. I would choose to have sex every day (maybe more!)but he may never. I am so glad that I took the chance to speak from my heart how i was being affected instead of letting an irreparable distance of pain and bitterness grow-learning to speak in his terms not mine was probably the key and made it about my feelings and reality not what he was doing wrong or what he should be doing. He is much more comfortable with routine but has thankfully been open to my ideas and suggestions on what I’d like to do and try for the most part and we are having more fun. I still have a few lonely nights but do not cry myself to sleep like i used to almost every night. He is probably very reserved but I’m glad I can dress up for him now, etc. Yes I would love to feel pursued and desired like a woman deeply longs for-and I do initiate most of the time but I love my husband and I will be grateful for what we have now.

    I wish all Christian marriage bloggers, Facebookers and Tweeters would address BOTH wives AND husbands every time the importance of sexual connection, intimacy, unselfishness, giving to your spouse was discussed and not assume husbands are the only ones suffering in silence and yearning for more from the one they love and committed their life to.

    • handle with care
      September 3, 2013 | 5:59 pm

      Amen sister. I’m feeling your pain. For us, it took me making an appointment with a qualified sex therapist. I felt terrible about it as i felt I was being selfish, but after thirty years without my husband’s desire,and severe illness, I felt it was now or never. I would tell any child of mine that sex is so important that a good marriage is dependent on solving these problems to the satisfaction of both partners.

      • Anonymous
        September 4, 2013 | 9:05 am

        30 years and you’re the selfish one? I don’t think so. You’re a better woman than I am. God bless you and your marriage and I pray this is a break through for both of you–you deserve it!

        • handle with care
          September 4, 2013 | 3:56 pm

          Thankyou so much for that. But the thing was , he thought he was being unselfish, by not indulging his desire. Somehow, he like many other good men had come to think of his sexual self as bad, an imposition upon women of his appetite. And that’s how messed up all this can be, with the best of intentions we can get this so wrong for each other. It takes reliable contraception for these issues to come to a head in a marriage in that only then does sex come without a cost attached, and then we have to negotiate sex as an essential expression within the relationship. So for good men who would never wish to be aggressors there can be a dreadful misunderstanding here, and really it’s a pretty new problem inasmuch as women in the past maybe never really owned their desire for fear of the consequences. I think we’re all in quite new territory here, trying to create long term committed marriages in which sex plays an essential part. So I don’t feel anyone’s to blame here, I think we’re doing the work of our generation, although that does not remove the pain, just gives it context.

          • Anonymous
            September 5, 2013 | 12:05 am

            Good points! It comes down to both be willing to be vulnerable in communication which is part of the marriage journey. Glad you two are getting it figured out!

          • Kate
            September 22, 2013 | 7:35 pm

            Hi Anonymous and Handle with Care,

            I just want you both to know that we do try to share both sides. Yet we cannot do it in each post. That is why we take time to tackle each side separately. If you look in our archives, we write for wives who are in sexless marriages and husbands. The reason we write our blog is because God was calling us to share OUR story and in our marriage I was the one who struggled with my sex drive. A big amount of our story is about that and we need to share what God has called us to share. It is not to hurt of offend, but to share how God has brought about change and healing. Thank you for sharing your hearts and your stories. There is not one that goes unread! Lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

    • Sad & Empty
      September 27, 2013 | 7:00 am

      Anon.,
      Thank you for saying all the things I wanted to say. I’ve been struggling for 13 years in a sexless marriage, and I’m just about done.
      I’ve tried, in utter desperation, talking to Christian friends.Not one of them understands. I read article after article, book after book, either to find that there is no real advice for women with low-sex-drive husbands OR extremely lame/shallow “advice” like you posted.
      How do I get past the fact that I have begged, pleaded, and cried to my husband…told him point blank that I need to have sexual intimacy with him…that it is killing me, killing us, then to have nothing change…or another false start and then nothing?
      If my husband had something that he needed from me…that something I was doing/not doing was killing our marriage…I would move heaven and earth to fix that. And I have.
      I feel completely rejected and alone. Desperate. Helpless. Hopeless. Not like a wife, not even like a complete woman. I’ve prayed for me, for him, for us. Things have started to get better, and then within a few weeks, they go right back. This roller coaster is unbearable.
      I’m at the end. I’m turning bitter and angry and depressed. I’ve given my life to my husband and kids, trying to glorify God. When do I get something for me? When I’m dead? I feel like the walking dead most days lately.
      I don’t know where the energy is even coming from to do this, but I’m trying one last time to see a Christian counselor to sort through my battle scars and broken bits. I don’t think there’s any hope for me, for us, but I have to say I tried one last time.
      Anyway, thank you for giving voice to important points. A low-sex-drive husband is a REAL, valid danger to marriage.

      Sincerely,
      End of the Rope

  54. Sadly Divorced
    September 5, 2013 | 12:56 pm

    I always come back to your site and read to help me understand my own breakup. It’s like reading the words I spoke to my husband and he did not listen or respond for years. Then exactly as you say, the disconnect gets bigger and wider and deeper hurts. One other blogger I read says sometimes men need divorce papers served or a baseball bat to the head to understand their wives are on the brink of losing it, and their patience is gone. Only then do they get it and realize their marriage is in trouble. Often then its too late, the gap is wide and harder to bridge. Men, listen to us, if we say we want you more and you don’t change, that is total rejection. If we ask, discuss, mention, highlight book passages about good marital relations; and we set up romantic dates, ask for time away alone, desire date nights, buy lingerie, put on make up, look pretty, wear the clothes you used to like, massage you, compliment you, and love the heck out of you and say how much we love you and you STILL deny the beautiful lovemaking we all want… then you are rejecting us in such a deep personal way, what else can we do? You are wanted, receive that please. Love is to be given and received, right? The Walk-Out Woman is not who we are when we walk down the aisle, and I think any woman who is being loved emotionally and physically will not leave or stray. I am not over my marriage, I don’t think I will ever be free from that pain of the rejection. I just want to shake you all, and say do whatever it takes to restore or begin the intimacy God designed for all couples, your own unique private time, a sacred connection of bodies, mind and soul. Whatever that looks like for you. I love this blog and I appreciate you Kate and Brad.

    • Joshua
      September 5, 2013 | 1:43 pm

      Sadly Divorced;
      It’s not always the men rejecting there wives, the stream often flows the opposite way. I truly think that any one part of the relationship( him or her) can become distant and completely oblivious to the signs and cries uttered by there spouses. Unfortunately until the rejector( if that’s even a word) wakes up and finally realizes that they are not fulfilling there end of the covenant or vows it is a perpetual knife through the heart. When and only when they come to the realization that they are at fault and they decide to take the first step in mending their mates heart it will be a constant uphill fight. I have written many times on this blog and I too feel better once I read through different entries and reply on occasions. But when I comes to mending my sexless marriage I always come up empty handed, no pun intended. But I will say a prayer for you Sadly Divorced, and It says in Proverbs 18:24 … but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. I do know that even though you think that there is a pain that will always be there just know that Jesus spoke to the storm “Peace, be still” and the wind ceased and the water became calm and the prayer I will pray is that God almighty will speak to your situation and say “Peace, be still”
      God Bless

      • Kwala
        September 6, 2013 | 5:06 am

        It’s when I read things like this – about guys who try, pray, talk to their wives etc, that nothing changes – is when I get down, and wonder if the same thing is going to happen to me. There’s no way I can go years like this.

        What would be encouraging is to read some stories of sexless marriages that turned around…are there any?

        • handle with care
          September 6, 2013 | 11:50 am

          I can teel you that my marriage is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined since we set about addressing this issue. I think sexual intimacy issues are huge and that just about everyone will have to address them sooner or later. Thinking about it that way you may just be ahead of the learning curve.At some point in a relationship there will always be a mismatch of desire. For instance, there have been times when I have been feeding babies when my desire walked out-it was nothing to do with my husband.Things change, and sex is not everything. But it’s not nothing either.I think the process of getting therapeutic help is one of swallowing our pride, and the process of change is repentance. I think a relationship with Deity is really helpful in enabling us to see this as a refining experience. It’s ironic that christianity has been seen as anti-sex, and it’s taking time for attitudes and teachings to change.I guess this conversation is proof that things can change, Kate and Brad clearly feel from personal experience that change is possible, and rejoice in it.

          • Kate
            September 22, 2013 | 7:29 pm

            Thanks all for sharing! Our marriage has been restored in all areas and that is why we share. We felt God calling us to share our story and where we were and what God had brought us through. Sex was a huge divider for us and we are now on the same page where sex is concerned. It can happen! Keep seeking God on how you can change yourself, leave the changing of your spouse to Him! Not east, but the only way for transformation to happen! Blessings, Kate

  55. Douglas Robinson
    September 10, 2013 | 10:02 pm

    My wife has refused to have sex for 8 years. Before then, sex was rarer than Sasquatch. I’ve given up trying, because rejection / disappointment / anger are 100% guaranteed.

    • Kate
      September 22, 2013 | 7:37 pm

      Hi Douglas,

      My heart truly breaks to hear your story and that of the others who have shared. Have you and your wife tried talking to someone about your struggle? I only ask, because it is usually easier to isolate then to be vulnerable and talk to someone. I wish that I had a some advice that would take this all away, but I don’t. Please know that I am praying for you and your wife right now! If there is ever anything we can do, please email us! Blessings, Kate

  56. Kay
    October 10, 2013 | 3:29 am

    I have been in a similar situation as many of the other people for several yrs now.It is not easy to be in a sexless marriage that is for sure. The loneliness,sadness and rejection can be really hard at time. I believed that I was going through this situation for a reason but didn’t know why. I had prayed so many times over they years for answers but never seemed to get one. Or maybe it was because I was just Mad at God for giving me this trial in my life that felt impossible to over come, and it was….impossible on my own.

    But with God he has his reasons for trials and storms that he brings to our lives. They are not easy to overcome but he will help us through it, if we listen and are patient. I believe I have found my answer to my prayer that I have been praying all this time. And I wanted to share it with everyone. It all goes back to the bible. (Genesis 2:24, NIV)For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

    When I got married to my husband, I became one flesh with him. Not just in body/physically, but spiritually, and emotionally too. We are two separate parts making one whole. My attitude, actions, words…not only affect me, but will also affect him and vice versa. The response is usually returned in the way it is received. If you are nice to them they are usually nice back, but if you are rude to them, they usually return with rudeness.

    Ephesians 5:25
    New International Version (NIV)
    25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

    I think at times we forget the one-ness that we came into when we got married. It is not just about us, what I need/want, not getting. I had that mind set for the longest time. I need this, or what am I doing wrong I can’t share this with you. Are you not attracted to me anymore. And so on…This was my mind set for several yrs., and God is still working in me today…and I hope he will continue to work and change me. It is about working together, helping each other. Focusing on how to love, and cherish the gift that god gave you (as a wife or husband) even if they are not able/ willing to meet your physical needs right now.

    It is hard to change that mind set, one that God has been working hard at in me. But you have to be willing to let God in to your heart and willing and ready to make a change in your heart, mind and marriage for him to make a difference. I have gone through some really hard yrs. Ones were I gave up on God and almost gave up on my marriage. I would go back and forth almost everyday, whether to stay or to leave. And knew I need to change. I didn’t want to look back in a year or so, and say I wish I did things differently. I wish I acted nicer, showed appreciation to my husband for working so hard at his job. For making sure the bills were paid. The simple acts of kindness that are genuine without any stings attached. Without having if I do or say this, will I get something in return.

    I challenge you to really pray for you and your spouse. Pray that God will show you the reason for the hardship you are experiencing. I believe he answers prayer. The bible says he will never leave us or forsake us. And I believe that. He never left me, even when I stop praying and was mad at him. He was always there. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. We can’t fix our relationship alone, but God can help us. By showing us what to do.

    • Anonymous
      October 10, 2013 | 3:49 am

      Did you and your husband come to agreeable terms for your sex life or is it still on his terms and you’ve accepted that?

      • Kay
        October 10, 2013 | 11:02 pm

        For me right now, I am more focused on rebuilding my relationship with my husband. This for me is what my focus should of been the whole time. But in selfishness, I let the lack of sex in my marriage to consume me, I was miserable, that was all I thought about. I should have this,as part of my marriage. I didn’t want to be miserable, mad all the time, just because of this one area in my marriage that wasn’t being met. I also knew that thinking this way wasn’t healthy either. Marriage is so much more, though at the time, it was what I didn’t have that was the most important thing. I believe that when the time is right in our marriage we will be able to make love again. It will just take time, to heal from all the hurt from over the years.

        • handle with care
          October 13, 2013 | 1:19 pm

          This was a beautiful comment Kay and an illustration of a ‘more excellent way’. I very much agree that we have to learn to love without an agenda,as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13 ‘charity seeketh not her own’.
          I am aware however that I used this scripture to strength my resolve not to confront what has been a very important area of growth for both of us. This may of course be different for others and I’m very aware that there are all sorts of reasons why our sexuality often has to go on the back burner for a while, and we have to find ways to live with that. Just saying that I did that for thirty years and now I do regret that, I would certainly urge any child of mine to patience, long suffering and working towards a resolution of the issues with properly qualified therapeutic help. Some things we do have to accept, and some we don’t. Sometimes I think I may not really have wanted to know the difference, and that fear stopped me taking the action that has enabled the growth of a much greater intimacy between us, and helped us come to a much more worked through acceptance of our past decisions.

          • lynn
            October 13, 2013 | 11:10 pm

            You can survive without sex…without true love in your heart and in his than that is impossible!!!!

          • Dinah Rose
            July 12, 2014 | 5:38 pm

            I agree but don’t think it’s as easy as that.
            The background is that I have been married for 8 months, in the past 6 he has once made sexual advances towards me, although responds sometimes if I instigate sexual closeness. He became a Christian a few years ago so has experience, whereas I was a virgin when we married.
            My husband and I have discussed his lack of libido and I can see several possible reasons to it, it is helpful to understand but until he has the motivation to change, I am not sure if there will be change.
            He’s agreed to looking further at Christian marriage books and ‘making an effort’ but in reality I have not seen this happen. He doesn’t want to go to leaders in the church/anyone for advice yet I think I have to as I am tired of being upset, feeling rejected and also confused over this issue. We are so tactile (e.g. hugs and cuddles) and loving but he not motivated to do anything towards building a libido, or the fact that I’m wanting us to have a sexual relationship. I have and continue to pray. It’s difficult, not sure what else to say.

  57. […] • THE SEXLESS MARRIAGE TRAP […]

  58. Michele
    November 14, 2013 | 11:53 pm

    My husband and I have been married since 1998. I live Ina sexless marriage… Not by choice. We have done counseling on several occasions. My husband has a serious porn/lust addiction. He doesn’t ever touch me. If I try to discuss it, he gets defensive.
    I have thoughts of an affair from time to time. I just want to remain faithful… Even if he isn’t. He is a Christian and has struggled with this for a long time- before he was converted. Our marriage is so lifeless and unintimate on all levels. He is a man in my home whom I really love, but I barely know him. I personally think he had emotional issues from his past. I do not know what to do anymore. I hear of the men wanting their wives to want sex… Try being intimate with her without it ending up in sex. Get to know her… Allow her opinion/voice to be important to you. Support her when she is weak. Unconditionally… Maybe your sexife will change.

  59. handle with care
    November 17, 2013 | 8:38 am

    Michele, I am so sorry for the heavy sense of rejection that you carry,I relate to that very deeply. I know that only ‘grace hath led me safe thus far’, left to myself I would have strayed.
    But it was important in my life that I made an appointment with a qualified sex therapist. It communicated to my husband how strongly I was committed to working on things together. By letting him know that we both deserved better, he began to understand how deeply I loved him. I understand that may not always be the outcome, but it may help him to know that there is a way out of his imprisonment, and at very least you might be able to get the support for your self esteem that you might need. Prayer is very sustaining, but sometimes we need to take courageous steps to access more information to help us to get our prayers answered. These are complex issues, and often need a third party to help us see the wood for the trees, and to put more information into the system.

  60. drc
    December 7, 2013 | 9:06 am

    God has blessed me finding this. I really needed to hear this. My first husband was my best friend and everything was wonderful until health issues then what I didn’t recognize as depression stopped our sex life that had been slipping. I had decided even God could not fix but I did and we were more loving and passionate than when we married 20 years earlier. When he passed and I remarried I discussed the importance of intimacy, he was romantic and passionate, frequent sex, and had stopped talking to women online he expressed desires and complimented them me some but not much. He lied. He is uncomfortable giving compliments, often too tired, almost never initiates, doesn’t want different positions or locations in the house, lacks foreplay, receives but almost never gives oral pleasure, big one for me kisses are just pecks, gets angry doesn’t understand the problem. He tells me he loves me all the time, but often refuses and makes me feel uncomfortable and threatens to leave make me leave etc ugly you always you never fighting. Recently I found out he has gone back onto facebook etc talking to younger women and asking for pictures. He gave up his phone and his facebook, but I have such trust issues. I know that I can have issues with self esteem and need building up with words and romance and the lack of that with the lack of sexual intimacy is awful. I had issues with my first husband and had given up on the marriage and was going to marry a friend whos marriage was ending and we had always said we should have married the others partners jokingly over the years. I know if you don’t communicate the problems it can lead you down the wrong road. I also had the added isse my first husband was the pastor and I the pastors wife. I am clear in desires and communication and do compromise but if not fighting about it would have been cuddling and asleep earlier so the I have to sleep becomes routinely bandied about. The biggest thing is when there is a problem the ugly fighting. I went to our pastor who suggested we find another Christian couple and talk to them. He is still lying/denying the problems even with proof to the pastors face. I have worked with special needs students while teaching and have a daughter with autism spectrum disorder, and know my husband doesn’t have social skills (brings phone into bathroom when someone calls, so excited when someone calls answers eager to please always responds yes to others, has problem with eye contact, has issues not understanding the response and emotional abuse in a situation is the problem and gets angry because he doesn’t “get” what the problem is.) I lost it when I found out about the cheating with the women and when he gave them accolades I smacked him. He left and we almost didn’t save the marriage when he came back. Finally got him to “counseling” which had rejected but pastor didn’t help or deal with at all. Now I am asking one for prayer for the situation, and God’s direction on how to ask him to get tested for asperghers and get him into a counseling that is biblical yet addresses the real issues you are addressing. I have no clue how to find a good counselor (experience of bad couselors have me cautious. If you have any advice on how to find and evaluate help. I would appreciate it. I am commited to making our marriage work. He has never been in a Christian marriage and had been away from God/church since starting work and married twice before and they both cheated on him. He has redeicated his life to God, is serving in the church, making aquantance/friendship with other Christians, and doing couple devotions so has grown. Please pray for us and if any advice I would appreciate it. I rambled this is hard for me. I will say when we have sex he enjoys it, but it no longer involves much foreplay, almost no kissing, he hits a certain position and it is over in mere minutes. He has gotten better at recognizing my need for some release, but at the beginning it was building multiple orgasms for me. He also has to jump up and get cleaned up right away afterwards so almost no afterplay. He was not like this initially, but romantic and passionate liked that I told him exactly what I wanted. He will not tell me what he want, likes, or enjoys. Its now whatever I like it all or it doesn’t matter. He also said he couldn’t “feel anything” with condoms so he wasn’t getting any pleasure so why bother. (after 20 year after losing child after my daughter and told should not have conceived her, God allowed miracles and I was pregnant twice although one did not develop and one died and was delivered at home so for a long time wearing condoms was necessary to heal. Still odds are in the million but putting in Gods hand and realizing that may be affecting also. I have tried lingerie, sexy messages and phone conversations, trying to change positions and locations (though he now thanks me for the different positions even though dragged out of him) cant tell me what he wants or likes and after tearing me down, doesn’t seem to be able to compliment and build up to show I am valued. I felt like bait and switch, then trying to be patient but with cheating talking to women online I feel like we have taken steps backward. It really is a blessing being able to express my pain and have others who understand. Now need help finding a Christian counselor and sex therapist not sure how to look/evaluate. Thank you

    • handle with care
      December 10, 2013 | 5:44 pm

      I’m wondering if a marriage enrichment course might be a good option for you, I know the catholic church used to run these, and they were really beautiful. It sounds like there is a lot of sorrow around perhaps for both of you. I’m sad that your experience of counselling has not been good, my experience has been that it has not been necessary for us to get specifically christian based counselling as a couple, what makes a good relationship is really pretty universal, and it comes down to forgiveness and kindness whatever else it may come to be called.

  61. mark f.
    December 9, 2013 | 3:35 pm

    Intimacy in marriage is a desperate problem among Christians today. And a symptom of that underlying problem is the rampant divorce epidemic in the Church.

    “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NLT)

    This passage from 1 Corinthians 7 is extremely important, and, even though the husband is the spiritual leader of the family, this directive should be heeded, in love, by both husband and wife equally. However, the same Holy Spirit who dwells in a godly husband, dwells in a godly wife. One can debate over the wife being the “weaker vessel” and many other valid truths. But here’s the bottom line. Jesus said,

    If a man (or woman) loves Me, he (or she) will keep My commandments.”

    Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. And then love your neighbor (your spouse is your closest ‘neighbor’) as yourself.

    When a husband or wife who struggles with a lack of sexual desire for their mate, or for intimacy itself, contemplates this difficult topic, what must become the all-important question, is, “how much do you love Jesus?”

    I can say I love Jesus, but if I am not keeping His commands from the Scriptures, then the proof in the pudding is, I simply don’t love Him as much as I say, or think I do.

    “This people draw near to Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me” said the Lord, of a people who give great lip service, but their actions reveal hearts that didn’t really love Him.

    Agape love is a sacrificial love that seeks to love his or her mate even if it is not reciprocated. Nevertheless, we as human beings are weak in our flesh. We have needs. Strong needs. God created us this way after all.

    The divine purpose of marriage is companionship; “It is not good for the man to be alone”, said the Lord, after he created man who did not yet have a companion.

    So, the question Jesus would pose for all spouses here today, is; ‘How much do you love Me?’ ‘Will you love Me enough to minister to your husband or wife’s sexual needs, even though you don’t feel it or desire it?’

    Satan [only] comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And his first act of destructive division was to come between husband and wife in the Garden. And we’ve been letting him continue this for roughly the last 6,000 years.

    If I really love my wife (and I do), then I am going to esteem her needs (sexual and otherwise) above my own; because I do love her, and because I really love Jesus.

    It’s all about love, and putting the needs of others; especially our spouse’s, before our own feelings or needs.

    If a wife or husband understands that the Enemy of our souls (and of our marriages) seeks to destroy us by tempting us in our sexual weakness, because our spouse has forsaken us in that area, then if they really love one another, they will send the Enemy packing by submitting their hearts to God by loving their spouse and ministering to that sexual need.

    It’s all about love.

    If you really love Jesus, then esteem the needs of your spouse above your own needs or feelings.

    And by this shall the Lord be glorified.

    -Mark
    http://marriage-miracles.blogspot.com/

    • Sadly Divorced
      December 12, 2013 | 1:15 pm

      Right on, Mark F – well said, and totally biblical.

  62. mark f.
    December 9, 2013 | 3:56 pm

    P.S. I have lived in a mostly sexless marriage for more years than I can remember.

    Because of my sleep Apnea, we have slept in separate bedrooms for the last nine of ten years. I’ve stopped counting. Even though I have taken medical measures to help the snoring, other underlying issues that my wife chooses to keep swept under the rug, have kept us as more than roommates for all these years.

    I know what it feels like to be the man who lives at the other end of the hall.

    And I stopped asking the Lord to heal this a few years ago, because, to be honest, He hasn’t. I feel like He wants me to trust Him in this situation, and continue to love my wife unconditionally.

    But as so many who read this site know, that walk of faith is a painful, difficult and narrow path.

    I know absolutely that Jesus is the only Person who can fill the lonely and empty canyons of our hearts. And He has a purpose for letting us walk through this valley of the shadow of death.

    And that purpose is so we’ll stick close to Him – draw near to Him.

    It can be very difficult drawing near to a God who I cannot see, feel, hear, or touch.

    But that’s the only God that I have.

    And He has already demonstrated His eternal Love for me by Sending His Son Jesus to die for my sins on His Cross.

    And for that Love, I am, and will remain eternally grateful.

    Abba Father; please fill me and all my hurting sisters and brothers here, with Living Rivers of Your overflowing, healing love, peace, joy, and in Your presence; above and beyond that which we have ever known.

    May Your Light shine on, in, around, and through us in this dark, lost and hurting world, so that all will see and know that You are the God who loves and saves.

    Oh Lord, please heal the many broken-hearted today,

    In Jesus’ name.

    Amen.

    -M

  63. mark f.
    December 9, 2013 | 5:05 pm

    Great website! Thank you for serving God’s people through your compassionate online ministry.

    After being with my wife for 30 years (20 of those years saved), going through the pain and betrayal of adultery, six separations, two divorce proceedings, counseling, and reading many marriage books, going to many home groups together, ministering to many men, and couples who are going through difficulties and challenges, and seeing the divorce epidemic running rampant through the Church today; the thing that is most revealing, is that the heart is central to all these issues.

    Divorce, sexless marriages, bitterness, etc, are only symptoms.

    But the root of all of these problems, is a person’s lack of a personal, abiding, obedient, loving relationship with Jesus Christ.

    Jesus said, “If a man (or woman) loves Me he (or she) will keep My commandments.”

    The Bible says we are known by our fruit.

    A selfish husband, or wife, who willingly denies his or her spouse the joy and tenderness of a sexually (as well as emotionally and spiritually) intimate marriage, demonstrates that he or she essentially have no real personal, abiding relationship with Jesus. Certainly not an obedient, abiding, loving relationship with Him.

    If you truly do love Jesus, then love your husband or wife completely, and esteem her or his needs higher than your own feelings or needs.

    And if both husband and wife will *choose* to love Jesus by doing this for each other, together, they will truly be “one” in Christ. And think of what a wonderful testimony this will be to the unsaved world!

    “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples” (John 13:35 NLT)

    It’s all about loving Jesus.

    In Christ,

    -Mark
    http://marriage-miracles.blogspot.com/

    • handle with care
      December 12, 2013 | 5:40 am

      I think the problem is that good, selfless christians often feel that they are refraining from confronting the lack of sexual engagement in their marriages out of a misplaced sense of obedience, submission or sacrifice, because the church’s narrative has been that ‘it is better to marry than to burn’-that sexual activity within marriage is somehow less than the celibate state. There has been no narrative of sexuality as an expression of love and a journey of finding greater spirituality through it’d expression.
      That’s why this ministry is so remarkable and so fundamental.

      • Sam
        March 9, 2014 | 8:15 pm

        Maybe Christians refrain from confronting it because they believe (like I did) that it was “the cross they had to bear”, “denying themselves”, somehow accepting that it was God’s will for them. That’s what I did for years, helpless to change anything (she wouldn’t listen or go with me to get help). I ended up in a state of resigned low-level unhappiness. I even ended up believing this was God’s will for my life, half believing I had done something that displeased him and he was punishing me in some way. Meanwhile she was quite happy. What was going on under the surface was a building of resentment, and a dwindling of love, and an evenr-mounting unexpressed anger. Eventually this burst and I walked out. Now I live alone, wondering what happened to my once (otherwise) happy family life.

        My advice to others, is don’t let this happen to you. Get help early. Confront the problem (not necessarily by guilting your spouse). Life is too short to live with this for long.

  64. Plagued by Physical Rejection
    January 2, 2014 | 6:00 am

    Hi Kate,

    I would like to first thank you for creating this open space for much needed discussions about sex within marriage.

    I recently celebrated my 23rd birthday and have struggled since my teen years with issues of body image and self-esteem. These issues were not unfounded. I suffered from several eating disorders when younger—from anorexia, to exercise addition, to overeating. As a result of the wide fluctuation in body mass that occurred from these disorders, my body is in what I would consider a “deformed” state. Because I view myself in this light, I feel strongly that I am not and will not be attractive to my future spouse, if it is God’s will that I marry.

    Although I am often told that men can be attracted to much more than physical appearance, I know that this is still key in a successful marriage. I would love the companionship accompanying marriage, but I fear that this will not be possible because of my physical appearance. (I cannot bear the thought of being touched or seen without clothing.)

    I fear that even if my future spouse felt a degree of physical attraction to me, this will quickly dissipate once he sees me in the nude. I could not bear the rejection of not being a “whole woman” and would always feel that I had tricked him into marrying me because he was not able to fully appreciate the state of my body.

    And, of course, I would inclined to think that the he is tempted by other women, enough even to commit adultery, if we are not having sex with each other.

    Ultimately, I think I’m asking if it’s possible to have a solid marriage where both parities agree that a physical relationship is not top priority. Can a marriage be entirely built around companionship?

    Not to generalize, since all men are different, but do you believe there would be a Christian man willing to even engage such a notion?

  65. New visitor
    January 5, 2014 | 11:30 pm

    First, thank God for this site. After reading these posts, I now have some christian context for our low sex life. But my problem is slightly different.

    First, if my low sex drive wife saw this and my post she would kill me, but that aside. She will have sex with me, but its out of duty. There is no passion. Worse off, she is convinced that’s how it’s supposed to be.

    I get release but I find I miss the passion we once had and I don’t want duty sex and I don’t always want to ask and then she complies and then goes to do the next thing on her to-do list.

    There is little difference between a sexless marriage and a passionate less one.

    But thank you for the site. The Lord moved me to get up and google prayer for you wife’s sex drive and I found this site.

    • Brad
      January 6, 2014 | 10:02 am

      Dear New,
      Thanks for your comment. I think you have hit on another important part of a sexless marriage! Responsibility sex, might give physical release, but as we’ve said over and over again, sex really isn’t about release. It is about the physical, emotional and spiritual connection that it is intended to bring a marriage.

      I would encourage you that you need to talk to your wife about your concerns. Start by thanking her and recognizing her sacrifice for making the physical part of sexual intimacy a priority. Let her know that you would desire an opportunity to share the experience with her. Let her know that you desire the emotional connection too. It might be difficult to communicate but suffering in silence doesn’t work either. Keep coming back, this is an important issue we will be posting about more soon!
      God Bless,
      Brad

  66. Pat
    February 4, 2014 | 11:43 pm

    I just recently had a baby before that tried to have one for at least two years… My husband and i had not had sex during my pregnancy and with in four months since having my baby we have had sex maybe 4x’s. tonight, I moved closer to my husband and asked him to cuddle me…. He again, put me off and them brought up how my text to him while at work are very disheartening… I asked him why I haven’t heard from him and if everything was okay. We have gotten into several arguments about our lack if intamacy. I know he is having a rough time at work… He just seems very negative all the time and that is a lot to deal with. Not sure if he is just not turned on to me or if its his work situation…. When we try to talk about it he brings up how I show him no respect and I don’t show any support. In return I get mad cause I feel like he is just saying that to avoid making love to me…I recently found out that he masterbates which hurt me more than he will ever know. I mean Im his wife, and I want to be with him why would he do that… Right now I am crying my eyes out because I feel so rejected and so alone…. Please help- also, he is not with anyone as he works from home… And I am home…. Please help me to understand this.

    • Disconnected
      February 6, 2014 | 5:24 pm

      Pat,
      I want to encourage you on a couple of things. And maybe give you some ideas from what I am going through. I am not addressing what he should change because you can’t force change on someone. It will anger them and frustrate you even more in the long run.
      Take him at his word that he feels disrespect. If you were to ask him to help you understand how you are not respecting him, it might mean a lot to him. Tell him that you want to understand what respect looks like to him, so that your actions can line up with your heart. You might catch him off guard so if he gets defensive just tell him he does not have to answer now but to think about it and you can discuss it the next day. I wish my wife would do something like that. I can tell you first hand that this issue has wiped out my drive where my wife is concerned. She has deferred to others over me. She puts her sister first. Her sister has insulted me and she has taken her side. I think about sex a lot but when I am around her its like the very idea leaves my mind. This feeling in men is not as unique as you might think. I actually have a pretty high drive but it’s tough for me to even think of her that way even though she is beautiful. She gets angry at me for not coming on to her so I set reminders for myself every few days (she does not know about the reminders). One week I forgot to extend the outlook reminders and she was so mad that I did not think about it. I know that’s not romantic but I really resent her for not asking why I feel the way I do and blaming me for the way I feel. She thinks that no guy would lose his desire for his wife just because he feels disrespected. Knowing that she is mad about it only adds to my resentment.
      The other thing you mention is your hurt over his masturbation. If he is choosing to masturbate over being with you then that is bad. But just the fact the he does is not a bad thing. Even in happy marriages not all but many guys still do this. Its not that you are not good enough or pretty enough. But he could be doing it so much that he is literally leaving nothing left and may not realize it.
      It might actually be a combination of the two.
      I want you to know though that I only addressed what you could do NOT because I think its all your fault, I do not know all of the details and its really not my place to say. But ultimately you can only do something about you. You cannot force him to change. I have learned the hard way that this is true. I cannot force my wife to treat me like I am a priority. I cannot force her to see my perspective or to consider how I feel when she acts the way she does. I can however choose the way I react to her.
      Now here is one thing I want to add. It could be work. I have worked from home for almost 15 years. And even though I do I had a job once where I was under tremendous pressure. I wound up with migraines and other issues related to stress. It was a horrible situation and I was happy when I moved to another job. So it could be job stress. I lived with that situation for 2 years because I take providing for my family very seriously. If he feels this way he could be completely overwhelmed and feel emotionally bankrupt right now. So I would tread lightly about anything you say about work to him, if this is the case. He could be feeling trapped by his job and at the same time realize its his commitment to you that keeps him going. If this is the case he might well feel like he is literally sacrificing himself for his family. I know I did.

      Good luck and I hope you guys can open up and talk about this.

  67. CM
    February 8, 2014 | 9:44 pm

    Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave a marriage?

    I am a wife who feels unloved even though he is responsible and goes to work everyday. I have been giving him hints throughout the years that when we are done raising our 16-year-old teen, that I might go to a mission field where I think I might find my fulfillment.

    I have tried to find my fulfillment by spending time with my Heavenly Father. I know He loves me and will never leave me nor forsake me, but why can’t I be satisfied with that. Is it possible that I haven’t found “the way” yet to be totally satisfied in Christ’s love without yearning for my husband’s intimacy and affections?

  68. T
    February 16, 2014 | 1:28 am

    I have to ask – what about those men, like myself, who find sex absolutely repulsive, but still desire emotional (and intellectual) intimacy? The *idea* of sex is not uninteresting, merely the reality of it not matching what it feels as though it should be in my head given what I had read (and I am not talking about experiences, I am still a virgin, and plan on remaining so until my death). Are people like myself, assuming we marry, expected to endure what for us is a relatively unpleasant experience? Or is the solution to find a woman with a similar level of sexual disinterest? To me, sex ought to be about meaning rather than sensation. It’s oneness, sort of like two souls entwining, detached from anything physical…a sort of out-of-body experience, ideally. I’d prefer the sack of meat my soul currently inhabits to not intrude upon the forming of a connection with somebody I care very much about (though regrettably it is entirely impossible to fully understand another person, and this is a truth that torments me, because the only desire I have in life can never be fulfilled in “reality”).

    I’ve often questioned why God saw fit to create people who are more predisposed to sensation than meaning, and the only reason I could come up with is that people are needed to keep society’s systems running while the “chosen few” (heck that makes me sound so arrogant, I’m sorry, I don’t mean it like that) innovate, create, imagine…things like that. I’m not going to get further into how poorly I think of society (and the idiocy that permeates it) and how authority other than that of Christ is an illusion (as are obligation and control)…. The connection is hard to explain but it rests in the preferences of people of who think more concretely than abstractly. If everyone in the world was a single standard deviation higher as far as IQ goes…heck, that’s probably increasing the amount of people I could properly relate to by a whole 5%! (that’s another issue but really not necessary to discuss here, I guess…there’s not really much point in putting stock in IQ, since it just fuels comparisons based on insecurity, which is based on pride, which is the belief that the self somehow has intrinsic value based on its identity (which often is a near-repeat of someone else’s), and yet this value is in some way influenced by others despite being internal….anyways insecurity leads to arrogance when you fail or refuse to acknowledge your own insecurities/inadequacies, which honestly I have a lot of and this tendency to ramble is one of them.)

    To relate those two principles (how important meaning is and my complete lack of sexual interest), for example, if a woman was undressed in front of me, I would have no interest, sexual or otherwise. It is just a woman who happens to not be wearing clothes (this is why, despite a tendency to develop addictions rather quickly, I have never had a pornography addiction. Lucky me. It’s mostly MMOs, which I play for two days, then quit because I feel like I’m wasting time). The female body does nothing for me on its own (no, the male body does not either…). If she was undressed because she thought/knew I might like to see her undressed, then yes, I would probably be interested, but I still would not desire sex or experience arousal, though I would certainly have much appreciation for the fact that she took note of something I might like (as the people around me, save for my sister, tend to be particularly poor at that). It is the meaning behind actions that brings me to attribute value to them, not the actions themselves. Most of this is a result of being what I might call “the family intellectual”, and I might go so far as to extend that definitional-nickname to my entire church and most areas of my life; I’ve only met two other people who think in such a “detached” way, although I’ve not asked for their stance on this particular issue (as it’s somewhat personal, and I do not wish to offend).

    • Carla
      February 23, 2014 | 4:13 pm

      I am a Christian who “practices” my faith in the Orthodox faith. I am writing this not to be divisive in the body of Christ because we are all parts of the body. In our tradition we recognize that God calls us to different purposes. Maybe you are called to be a monastic. There is a rich tradition in the Christian faith for these men and women devoted solely to God. Visit some Christian monasteries, speak with some monks. Maybe this is your path and role to play in God’s kingdom.

      God bless

  69. Christy
    March 5, 2014 | 4:42 pm

    My heart is heavy for all those who have left comments here, both male and female. I am living in a sexless marriage and it’s killing me. We’ve been married for 8 years and were never very active. At one point I thought I could make myself be happy with once a week, then once a month, and now I just try not to think about it. My husband was never a very sexual person and, in reality, I shouldn’t have married him knowing this. I have always had an above average appetite and should have sought someone similar. But when you are trying to live a godly life, how are you supposed to know that beforehand? Anyway, we are now at the point where in the last 4 years we’ve had sex once – and that was 2 years ago. For him, it’s mostly physical. He has chronic back pain that significantly lessens his desire. Logically I understand that, but then I wonder – am I supposed to just never have sex again? I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do anymore. I try not to think about it, but sometimes it’s all I can think about. Any advice out there for someone whose spouse isn’t being malicious on purpose, but also doesn’t really care that his wife longs for at least some form of physical contact?

    • Sadly Divorced
      March 6, 2014 | 11:54 am

      “but then I wonder – am I supposed to just never have sex again? I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do anymore. I try not to think about it, but sometimes it’s all I can think about. Any advice out there for someone whose spouse isn’t being malicious on purpose, but also doesn’t really care that his wife longs for at least some form of physical contact?” – This is a great question. I came to view my ex spouse’s inability to address our intimacy issues after years of pain and rejection for me, as being malicious. Knowing there was an issue and choosing to keep his head in the sand was cruel. After years, there was no other way to see it. There are sins of omission. My husband not taking steps to correct or improve our sex life was as damaging as if he had been outwardly hostile. It just made him appear kinder, and made me seems like the whining demanding shrew. Oh my, the horror that I should want and desire and expect sexual expression of love. In the end I realized this was my husband’s personal struggle, started long before me, and will continue into any new marriage he enters into, unless he sees a doctor and a mental health professional. It’s all you can think about, because you are the only one carrying the weight of this, its not a shared burden as it should be. The less he addresses it, the more you spin your wheels trying to figure out how to make it work. I think the couples who find their way through this are open and honest and seek real treatment – whether that is ED drugs, testosterone, counseling, treating other health issues, dealing with childhood issues, etc. Even paraplegics can have sexual intimacy with a partner, so “plumbing problems” are not a deterrent really. The only thing that stops couples is their mindset. So many loving, sexy, fun things to explore together and ways to be intimate in marriage. Regardless of health issues, he could and should make an effort to love you and satisfy you, period. They are all nice guys I am sure, but the lack of problem solving on their part, is actually neglect and that is unacceptable.

    • handle with care
      March 6, 2014 | 5:29 pm

      I’m a woman who has had too little sex in her marriage and a severe back pain stufferer. I can understand how your husband might feel unable to be sexual, and how anguished you may be feeling. I strongly regret that we didn’t see a sexual therapist thirty years ago, I would have better understood that my husband felt that he might harm me with his desire, and he might have better understood that his desire was not selfish, but good and healing. We are now more able to talk about this with compassion and healing,but now we have thirty years of misunderstanding to overcome. I guess the work of God is in our eventual understanding of one another, and our desire to bless each other’s life.It took thirty years for us to get over ourselves sufficiently to see a therapist.

  70. Kwala
    March 8, 2014 | 6:59 am

    Ah I’ve had enough.

    Firstly, sexless marriage.

    Secondly – my birthday, the one day you might be pleasured? Nup. Wife isn’t interested.

    Kind of puts a dampener on your day. A knife through the heart kind of day, as I lay here on the verge of tears.

    Seems like my additional prayers have “return to sender” on them.

    • Kate
      March 8, 2014 | 10:38 am

      Kwala . . . we have spoken many times and I know your pain is great. But even in the greatest times of pain you must remember that God is with you and for you, he is not against you, nor does he turn a deaf ear on your prayers, my friend. He hears everyone, hold every tear you shed in his heart. He desperately wants for your marriage to be the blessing he intended, but he also wants your wife to turn to him to change. She has to want to change, and then God can continue to work in her! Only then, my friend! The only thing you can do is hold on to the one who loves you no matter what! The enemy is selling you powerful lies while you are in this cold, dark, and lonely valley! And it is hard not to buy into those lies, but they are just that, they are lies and there in no life in them. There is only life, light and love in Jesus! He is the Light and the enemy is the darkness. Cling to Jesus in these sad, times and always remember there IS hope in HIM! Praying for you now, friend! Blessings, Kate

      • Kwala
        March 9, 2014 | 7:23 am

        Thank you Kate, that helped heaps. Still incredibly upset though, especially when once again your “love languages” prove to be a joke.

  71. wck
    March 13, 2014 | 3:59 am

    My problem is a little different than most on here. My wife and I have been married 16 years. When we got married, she had been sexually active from the age of 17 to 19, but had committed to abstain from sex until marriage for three years. I was painfully shy and backward and had never even kissed a woman let alone anything beyond that when we started dating. When we married, I was 26 and she was 22, and she had built up in her mind that sex would be wonderful, because she had followed God’s plan of abstinence. I didn’t know what to expect, but was excited about the prospect. From the beginning, sex was out of synch for us. I loved the physical sensations, but consistently dealt with criticism. Because she had experience, she took the lead but resented having to do so. At the same time, she is somewhat controlling, and did not trust me to initiate things or try anything in terms of foreplay that was out of her comfort zone so though she wanted me to lead as the man, she wouldn’t accept it when I tried to. Over the first few years of marriage, as we had two kids and her disappointment with me physically grew, our sex life dwindled to nearly nothing. When it did occur,every few months, she made it clear she felt obligated, she wasn’t attracted to me, was let down that it wasn’t better, had no patience if I had performance issues because her criticism stressed me out. Over the last few years of our marriage, we have had sex less that once a year. We are in counseling and she wants out because I am a failure in this. We both put on weight over the years, then two years ago, she began working out and lost 80 pounds, but I didn’t and though I still found her attractive and wanted to try to be intimate, she has no interest in intimacy with me. She wants a divorce so she can marry someone better than I am at this, though she feels conflicted because she worries what people will think and what it will do to our three daughters. I have tried for years to find ideas for improvement coming to sites like this, but she thinks its my problem and I should fix it, though all I read says sexual issues need to be worked on together. I am 43 and heartbroken, and though we are trying to “fix” the marriage, she has made it clear that she sees no hope. I would appreciate advice about this.

    • Rick Private
      March 16, 2014 | 5:02 pm

      Sir, it sounds to me like you were never given an opportunity to blossom by your wife. I don’t think you are the one at fault. Peace Be With You, and may Jesus Heal Your Heart.

  72. Ashamed Husband
    March 16, 2014 | 3:33 pm

    Hello,

    I’m writing under a psuedonym.

    I wanted to apologize to all the women who have replied to this post. I also am addicted to pornography. Indeed, it has caused our marriage to be sexless.

    A few days ago, I found on EBay the bible that I had as a young man. I bought it and hope to begin turning to the bible daily once again as I did as a young man, instead of turning to Internet pornography.

    I just wanted to ask you all to pray for me. Please. Please pray for me. Please let Jesus and Holy Spirit come into my soul again.

    I have wandered so far away from the road to God. I am in a dark place. I don’t want this anymore. Yet, it is so hard. I am an addict. Please pray for me.

    ~ Ashamed

    • handle with care
      March 17, 2014 | 9:14 am

      I am admiring your courage and praying that you will have earthly as well as Heavenly help. My own experience is that God has worked in our lives through our therapist’s interventions and guidance-incidentally we know nothing of her beliefs.God be with you.

    • Brad
      March 17, 2014 | 2:01 pm

      Ashamed,
      I thank you for sharing your heart and your pain. You may feel like you are in a dark place but you are not alone there! God’s love never fails, never gives up, and never runs out on you! His love for you is real right there in your dark place! Yes, he wants more for you, but he loves you just the same if you are covered in muck or not.

      I learned this lesson once when my daughter had a REALLY messy diaper. She was obviously not feeling well and I kid you not was covered from the back of her neck to her toes in crap. Did it turn my stomach? yes of course it did. But when she reached for me I didn’t say “yuck, what did you do? go clean yourself off then I’ll pick you up!” Of course not! I scooped her up, poop and all, and helped to clean her off.

      Your heavenly father does the exact same thing. Reach out to him, ask him to pick you up. He will! In amazing ways! O, and that counts if this is the first time you’ve fallen or the 100,000th!

      Ashamed, I would love to talk to you more, and maybe help you get started at breaking the bonds of this addiction and figuring out how to rebuild your marriage too! Feel free to email me, lets talk!

      • handle with care
        March 17, 2014 | 4:44 pm

        How beautiful Brad. I only wish every young man had access to such loving counsel. Who could doubt that this is God’s work?

  73. Margo
    March 18, 2014 | 10:20 am

    Excellent post. I was checking continuously this blog and I’m
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  74. Loved1
    March 18, 2014 | 12:38 pm

    After nearly 30 years of marriage, I am still married to the man who couldn’t get it up on the honeymoon and has continued to deny me sex. While we were able to have three beautiful children, the sex has dwindled to non-existent for the last six years. I am told I am a fairly attractive woman but I am committed to stay married. I do feel like this is my cross to bear; I made a commitment and I intend to keep it. However, my husband’s issue is slightly different. He is addicted to masturbation and gets turned on by the sight of his own body and those of other men. He likes looking at pictures of young, well-built men and sometimes pictures of men in “bad-boy” clothes, like biker leather jeans and such. He has been in counseling and sex addiction recovery groups for the last 8 years. He goes to three or four different Christian men’s groups each week. He tells me he is getting better because he is “sober” from masturbation for 5 months, but last night, I caught him looking at a website after googling, “men’s shiny jeans.” When asked why, he said, “I think they look good.” When asked if he’s homosexual, he says, “No, because I’ve never had the desire to act out.” But the sight of a well-built guys gets his motor running while the sight of me does nothing for him. I know this is his issue, but it is my problem. He is ok with no sex; I am not. He barely acknowledges that I’m a woman; I am more of a companion. He is undergoing neurotherapy to ease his anxiety and help with his addiction, but I can’t help but feel he is toying with me since he is still filling his mind with what he claims he wants to change. After believing for years that God can and will change him, I am running low on faith. I have been in counseling with him for years and years. I am so tired…

    • annie
      March 18, 2014 | 1:14 pm

      Loved 1 – I think your husband IS gay, he is definitely lusting over the men. Whether we think people are made this way, or they become this way, here is a guy with one foot in each world – gay and straight – married but not fulfilling his wife, lusting over others and not fulfilling himself. He’s trying to hold back in areas, “not go all the way” to gay porn, and sounds like he is struggling a lot. He must be as miserable as you are. There is freedom in honesty and openness, and getting a counselor outside the Christian circles may be beneficial. I beleive in prayer, but you and he have likely prayed immensely over this. The only gay men I know who did make a choice to stay married and are making it work, have been ruthlessly honest with their wives about their attractions. The wife is well aware and they talk about it openly and a few close friends know, and support them. Your man is “wired” this way, by nature or nurture, or repeated exposure – makes no matter when or how he became this way. Like you said its not about you at all, but what a loss for you sweetheart. I am so sorry, you’ve done well Loved 1, I wish you the best. I don’t think this will have a happy ending for you or him, if it stays in the shock and shame arena, with all the Christian friends horrified and pastors suggesting de-programing type ministries, of course he wouldn’t be honest then. If you are feeling unwanted and he wants guys in shiny pants, you are on very different pages. What do Kate and Brad say here….? Oh man, this blog gets very heavy sometimes. I just feel for you Loved 1.

  75. Shirley
    March 19, 2014 | 12:18 am

    I have a sexless marriage. We’ll be married 40 years in June which makes me depressed realizing about 37 of the years I’ve felt rejected and hurt. It doesn’t motivate him.
    My relationship with my dad was bad. He made it clear he was disappointed in me and I felt rejected by him.
    I have been molested 2 x as a child.
    I’ve never trusted men. I thought my husband was different. He wasn’t. I’m so disappointed I stayed in the marriage. I could have had affairs but chose to be faithful. God, what is the point of my life if I continually feel rejected??

    Shirley

  76. […] Sexless Marriage Trap […]

  77. Tammy
    May 26, 2014 | 3:10 pm

    Despite numerous prayers, despite marriage counselling, despite everything we have tried, my husband continues to reject me and I have become more and more depressed. In some ways it feels as though trying just makes it worse because there is some hope. I know my husband was into porn at one stage though he insists he has not looked at it for a year now. I know he keeps secrets and I know he is terribly controlling – if I ask for anything with a direct question then the answer will be no. Tell him I am going to do something and he may come along or he may not. I have started to desire an affair – something religiously I am very opposed to and that I know will just leave me feeling guilty – but why should I harbour all the guilt and why does he think this is an ok why to have a marriage? This is not a marriage – and there are many more issues than just a lack of sex. I do not like what is happening to me through this – this is not the type of person I would like to be and my thoughts are not the type I ever imagined having let alone actually entertaining. What am I supposed to? I feel very stuck – by my religious beliefs, by financial circumstances, by my children and what is best for them. This may not be what God intended but it was what I am stuck with and it is deeply hurtful. I believe my husband dislikes me intensely – I believe he is very angry with me and will not say so – in fact I told him so and he looked horrified that I could say such a thing and yet it is true. He is equally stuck I think by a religious upbringing which I believe he is fighting in many ways – he turns away from it in many ways and yet still follows it in others (I suppose this is not so uncommon actually with all people). I am hurting deeply. I am very depressed and recently started many pills (prescribed and vitamin ones) that appear to be doing nothing – I guess they cannot fix a broken relationship. I do want sex in and of itself, more than that I want some form of intimacy – my husband is also addicted to technology and spends almost all of his time (unless asleep) attached to some device or other – I told him the other day that his technology addiction was just as damaging as alcohol or drug addictions (something he is very against). He decided to have a technology free outing with us – for me it was refreshingly pleasant to have him actually having to interact with us. For him he tried to prove to me that not using technology was a disadvantage – we had to look for ways to find the time (parking meters work well), he insisted he would get lost (he didn’t and there are street signs) and in general he just got irritable – by evening he was very snappy with the children which he normally is not (probably because he is not there – he is just attending to his game). This is not going to change – I know it COULD technically, but to trust in a false hope is equally damaging to me when I have no control over it and can do nothing about it. I wonder sometimes what would happen if my husband did suddenly decide he wanted sex after so many years without – I have the feeling I might reject him on purpose so that he could feel the rejection I have lived with for so long. It is becoming harder and harder to see anything positive about my husband – I keep saying: He is not a bad person, but maybe he is. I do not know anymore.

    • Sadly Divorced
      May 29, 2014 | 12:49 pm

      Tammy – I could write that post of yours too, and it would be nearly identical. Except now I am divorced. I feel for you. Your last line especially hit me. I don’t know either, whether all my husband’s rejection was passive aggressive and mean spirited toward me, or in response to his own issues. I’ll never know. Religious constructs that my husband subscribed to allowed him to feel ok about his negligence (also engaged in technology & TV constantly), and immaturity in other areas. The word I got from church and him was that my needs (sexual) were to be shoved down, and then there wouldn’t be a problem. I am divorced now and still don’t know why he didn’t find me desirable. The ex lives with a woman now across the country, in a supposedly non-sexual relationship where they share a bed, go to church, and live together as a married couple (but are not married) – they let everyone know they do not have sexual intimacy. They are going on 4 years of that, so I guess it can work for some people. I am happier not to have that unfulfilled longing in my life, and there is no longer a cloud of rejection over my head. However, divorce is so traumatic and awful, for everyone – friends, family, church community. Devastating. And hardest on my teenage son, who continues to struggle without his dad nearby. If I had to do it over again, I may have tried harder to find a way to keep us all in the same house… somehow. I may have tried to handle the pain longer to assure my son would not lose his dad. Hope you find a solution Tammy. God bless you.

      • Tammy
        May 29, 2014 | 3:34 pm

        Sorry you had to go through that. The word divorce is coming up more and more frequently from endless people and I feel I am having to fight it right now. I do not want to get a divorce – I wanted my marriage to last a lifetime. I have two small girls and they love their Daddy though they see very little of him and the time they have with him is not in any way intimate since he is attached to a machine permanently. Even my husband brought up divorce and asked why I don’t just divorce him and what was best for our children. It doesn’t make sense to me that he would ask that – because then why does he not divorce me and I feel again he wants it all to be my fault – that I was the bad one who pulled the plug and rejected him when all along he has been rejecting me. I told him that night that what was really best for our daughters was for the two of us to work on our issues and have a healthy marriage that the girls could see and aspire to, but that that would involve work from both of us. I am not sure that that will happen – he will make some effort, but he will not be able to really give himself to this marriage and to his family while his priorities remain where there are and while he cannot even really see or hear us for the input from all those machines and devices. Marriage is supposed to be the most intimate connection and at the moment there is no intimacy in which case it is not really a marriage and I am as alone as if I were divorced – the question is: Are my children?

        • Sadly Divorced
          May 29, 2014 | 4:12 pm

          In my case, our son was very very close with his Dad, as my ex worked from home and spent a great deal of time with our son. After the separation he moved 3000 miles away and permanently relocated there, a “temporary” stay of 30 days has lasted more than 4 years. This move was something NO ONE expected – not his family or mine or our friends – as their father-son connection seemed so very close. I actually thought when we separated that the ex and my son would live together at least 50% of the time, if not full time. I was so very wrong. One issue in our marriage was the triangulation with our son, as my ex preferred time spent with our son, being his buddy, playing video games, staying home from school, spending money etc.. like tow teenagers. The ex would not have date nights or trips without our son, he was included in everything. The ex made the son #1, and then essentially dumped him. A good thing about staying married and in the same house is that you can still have some control over what happens…once there is separation, you have no idea and no control of the interactions between father and child, when or if they happen…or who else is in their lives, nor can you see what is happening to them when they visit Dad etc. I thought we’d have the ability to co-parent, but that hasn’t been the case, and my son has paid a high price indeed. My son is confused, and deeply hurt. He is now 18, but his high school years were hard – police run-ins, drinking, pot, poor grades and attendance, disrespect, defiance – all very typical for a boy with an absent father (I read so much about this). The ex has a similar passive-aggressive and non-communicative style with me as he did when married, and it creates an undermining of my authority in the house. All my pleas to think about the way the distance is harming my son go unheard, much like my pleas for intimacy in the marriage. The ex sees the issue, but does not fix it. Sees his son hurt, and doesn’t help, just like he saw me in pain and did not take action except to withdraw further. Dad has seen his son only three days since July 2013 and the visits have decreased each year. I understand the sacrifice you are making staying together for the kids, and that’s totally the high road to take, and very honorable. I too am the bad guy, I filed for divorce and started this whole thing, and at church, for his fmaily and for my son, its all my fault.

  78. Jen
    May 27, 2014 | 3:46 pm

    I wish I could say that my situation had a happy ending. I did everyone of those things you mentioned and still my marriage ended 2.5 years ago in divorce.

    • Brad
      May 29, 2014 | 11:45 am

      I’m sorry to hear that Jen. You are right there is no perfect answer. I hope that at minimum you were able to walk away from your marriage learning something about yourself. If you truely are journeying to remarriage then you owe it to yourself and any future husband that you learn some lessons about yourself from your first marriage. It is really easy to place all the responsibility on the other after the divorce has happened, but unless you learn from history you can be dooming yourself to repeat it!

      • Jen
        May 29, 2014 | 1:03 pm

        The lesson is choose wisely. Don’t marry addicts, and don’t settle. Those were the lessons I learned. I will be married again in two weeks. I write about my experiences regularly in order to help other women who are experiencing the same struggles. Unless one has walked this road, felt the rejection, and experienced the damage done by it, it is hard to understand.

  79. Maryke
    July 1, 2014 | 6:00 pm

    This is just what i needed to read! I am going to do all of the above. Ill let you know how it goes!

  80. Sofia
    July 12, 2014 | 1:18 pm

    I usually get online and read posts from women that are in my same situation just to convinced myself that I am not crazy and/ or alone.

    I married my husband 7 months ago and I feel cheated and deeply lonely…and, lonely I am since I moved to another country just to be with my husband, leaving my family, friends and everything I have known behind just to end up like this.

    We did have sex before getting married and I feel God is punishing me now for it, although I know that can’t be possible. Before getting married we used to have sex every day and when we started going to premarital counseling our counselor convinced us of sin an we decided to stop some months before getting married . When we finally got married we didn’t even have sex on our wedding night. Oh, how hurtful that was! Since then our marriage has been a rollercoaster with more downs than ups. We have sex usually twice a month and I initiate every time (an I get rejected 50% of the times until he feels guilty and has sex with me the next day in a very robotic way). I do need physically , not only emotionally. I started masturbating once a week because I get tensed, uncomfortable and unbearable as a person. The emotionally side of it is even worse…just as other women have said, I feel rejected, utterly ugly and confused. This is pure torture.
    I have talked about this with my husband over and over again. We are both young professionals and we are starting off our careers so we says he feels a lot of financial pressure in regards his student loans (although they are set for income base repayment ). We both live fairly well, we can pay the bills and, although we are far from been rich, we are not struggling. My husband says everything will be better once he pays his student loans, so I guess I have 10 or so more years to wait for this to get better (I have a feeling that with time it will only get worse) and he seems fine with that timeline of waiting.

    What keeps me so confused is that he is not only affectionate in every other way (hugs, cuddling, kissing) but he acts in a sexual manner with me by touching me, looking at me a certain way, etc…but would be totally uninterested in sex. Once again, he blames finances .

    I don’t know what to do. I miss my family and my country so much and I have no one to rely on just him…the person who is hurting me so much. Our marital counselor has told him that he can’t put me in this situation and he says things would change but they never do. He promised he would get his testosterone levels and he ever gets around to do it.I have prayed with and without him by my side and the Lord is holding me, but this situation is getting so hard.

    Lord, please help me.

  81. Ara
    July 18, 2014 | 4:20 pm

    how exactly does this low libido works? why doesn’t low libido affects man’s ability to flirt, get googli eyed or get all giddy with other women. Also the term is Low libido and not NO libido, so if that’s the case then it means they have some sexual desires left in them…what do these man do to relief their sexual stress. i’m still confused with this term low libido…why does it only keep men to be affectionate towards his own wife and not restrain him from showing that affection to other women.

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