Kate says . . .
We often find that when we write about one side of the issue of low sexual desire in marriage, as Brad did in his post, The Sexless Marriage Catch 22, those who find themselves on the other side comment and ask questions. In order to understand low sexual desire it is important to always remember that both husbands and wives can and do suffer from this. It is definitely not exclusively a woman or wife issue. Just as both women and men are vastly different in many ways, so can the reasons be for low sexual desire in marriage. Brad talked about wives who are not having sex, today I want to address some hang-ups when it is the husband who is not having sexual intimacy in their marriage. Lack of sex in marriage is a real issue for the wives married to these men.
Sexual Desperation
Fact: Married couples are not designed to go without sex for any long duration of time. God’s word is actually quite clear on this:
“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT)
The reason for Paul’s abundant clarity in this message is probably because sexless marriages were an issue even back when he with writing. Paul says it as clear as possible; “If you stop having sex, make it only for a short period of time.”
Wife’s Sexual Desire Trap
In our current culture it is accepted and even expected that women are the ones who struggle most with low sexual desire. This is not true and within this deception starts the sexual trap. Husband’s who are not having sex with their wives have been fed and accepted a lie that because women generally want sex less, they will be ok without it. Wives continue this trap by neglecting to talk about their needs and desires. They also accept the lie and think that they are somehow dirty or wrong if they want to have sex more than their husband.
When a husband goes without God’s design for sex in his marriage he is being opened up to a lot of temptation. The same is very true of a wife who is suffering in silence without the deep connection that sex brings both physically, emotionally and spiritually. When a husband believes that his wife is fine, and even happy without sex, he drives a huge wedge of rejection and resentment into the marriage. That rejection and “despair” as many wives describe, opens the door to temptation. A temptation to seek connection, acceptance and release elsewhere and the enticement to get lost in fantasies, view pornography, or enter into an affair is just as real for a wife going without sex as it is for a husband.
Why Doesn’t My Husband Like Sex
- Low levels of testosterone
- Problems with or fears of premature ejaculation
- He may be taking a medication which has lowered his sex drive
- He has learned to feel shameful about sex
- He has effects from past sexual abuse
- Anxiety about impotence
- Anxiety about causing pregnancy
- Pornography use/addiction
- Involved in an affair
This is a list of some of the reasons why your hubby is uninterested in sex. There may be other reason as well, but getting to the bottom of what is causing your hubby to feel this way is essential to healing. While many times it seems that pointing fingers will get your hubby back on the right path, it usually sends them deeper into a tail spin. Resist the urge to point fingers.
Share Your Heart
I have many women contact me and ask “what do I do?” This is such a tough question and I very much wish there was an easy answer. Every marriage is different and there is no absolute answer. There are a few things I consistently recommend:
Pray for Your Husband
One of the toughest things to do in life is pray for those who have hurt you or who you are angry with. If we do pray for them, we tend to share with God a list of all the things they need to do differently. Believe me, I have been there too. Yet, if we focus our prayers in a different direction, I believe it sets our hearts in a different-much better place. Would marriage without sex still be hard? Yup! I am not going to lie to you. Times may still be tough, but your heart and your focus will be centered on God! Pray that your husband would be blessed. Pray that God would show you ways to love your husband in ways that has no bounds. Pray! Even when it is the last thing in the world you want to do!
Share How You Feel
Instead of pointing fingers and casting blame, share how you feel how you want great things for your marriage. You need to break the trap by letting your husband know that you have a deep hurt, and longing to be intimately connected to your husband. Share how you want to help your hubby through whatever is going on. Share how much he means to you and how much you value time with him, both Sexual and non-sexual time. Wives, your hubby struggling with low sexual desire needs to know that he is loved in other ways than merely sexually. It may sound all wrong because he is a guy, but I assure you it is critically important.
Love and Respect Your Husband
Love your husband! This may be one of the toughest pills to swallow, but we tell husband’s who have wives with low sexual desire, to keep loving and serving her as Christ calls him to do. You are called to love your husband and respect your husband, even if he is not meeting his end of the bargain!
Is he sinning when he is refusing to answer God’s call for sex in the marriage bed? YES! We believe he is because of what God’s word says about the importance of sex in marriage. Please don’t misunderstand me, life without sexual connection with your husband feels like desertion and you have every right to feel this way. However, how you handle that emotion, and how you lift up your husband is what God is interested in. Seek to love and respect your husband always!
Seek Third Party Help
Share with your husband your need to talk to someone about your marriage and sex life. Understand that you are most likely going to meet resistance. Many of you have expressed that this is NOT something your hubby would be willing to do. To that I say, make sure you ask, and it isn’t just your fears speaking. You may just be surprised.
The true goal is to get to the root of the issues and find healing. As our wise blogger friend, Stu Gray said in his post Help Each Other Up, it has to be you and your hubby against the “challenge” not you against your hubby! If you battle together against whatever is causing your husband’s low desire, you have opened up for God to work within your one flesh connection.
I would love to hear from wives who are on the other side of this challenge. It can be a source of great encouragement! Share with us in the comment section, how you and your hubby overcame his low sexual desire struggles.
This is such a painful subject! I experienced this in my own marriage – and I would like to encourage wives… there is hope!
For us, when I finally learned to respect my husband and to graciously allow him to lead instead of taking over and telling him what to do – his desire for me returned! A husband who is feeling disrespected may have issues with lack of desire for his wife. Thankfully, God showed me that my negativity, criticisms, and controlling tendencies were sabotaging the emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy I wanted so much and since I have been obeying God’s commands for me as a wife, the intimacy on every level has been restored to more than I could have hoped for!
It is SO hard to feel rejected over and over and to feel unwanted sexually by our own husbands. The pain is REAL.
I am praying that God might heal other marriages as He did ours!
It is far more common than many think for the wife to have a higher desire than her husband. You make some fabulous points! I also think that asking questions is good. For instance, what does your husband think a good sex life looks like? A wife might uncover issues by asking some questions. Thanks, Kate!
I wonder how common it actually is though? I shared the subject of this post with my wife last night (because she asked me what I was reading), and she scoffed at the concept. She doesn’t believe that there are women with higher drives than their husbands because she is in her 40s and has never in her life had a conversation with a woman who has that problem.
Of course, its a touchy subject for us because my drive is much, much higher than hers, and whenever I mention an article about libido differences in marriage to her (either way), she immediately goes on the defensive for fear that I am trying to guilt her into having more sex. Needless to say, this makes communication on this subject very difficult for us!
However, back to my original point, and that is that most low drive spouses don’t see their low drive as a problem. And further, they believe that stories where the shoe is on the other foot to be manufactured and intended to create a guilt trip. In that case, all you can do is keep your expectations low, or pray for a solution from God. But for those of us brought up in a mainline protestant denomination, it seems sacrilegious to pray that God will grant you more sex, even if its with your spouse.
Hi Andrew! Thanks for sharing. To be honest, I used to wonder as well. Yet since we have been doing OFM, I have met many women (some through email and some in person), that this is very much their reality. There are many reasons men experience low libido, but they are there.
You are very right in that the lower drive spouse does not usually see their low drive as a problem. Or if they know it is problem they have no idea what to do about it. Sometimes they know what they should do about it and do not want to do what is required. There are many reasons, why these marriages are still at a stallmate. Brad and I were in this place for 5 years of our marriage. Then we spend another 5 years-better-but not great for sure!
I think that God wants to know the desires of your heart-even about sex. I know that it seems to be against what you may have been taught, but it is completely ok to talk to God about this. Yet at the same time, focusing on what and how God wants you to love your wife as Christ loves the church should be your main focus. I know, that is so hard when you are feeling sexually frustrated and rejected in many ways. I wish I had a quick fix answer for you and the many, many couples that have contacted us and are having the same struggle. Yet, God is the God of hope, healing and restoration. Hold fast to that and to Him! Know that we are praying for you!
Blessings to you and your wife! Kate
Andrew, the problem exists, our marriage has done a complete flip flop in the last little while and I am at a loss as to how to fix it. Sometimes I think it is my punishment from God for having rejected my husband for so many years. But I honestly don’t believe that because I know God doesn’t work that way. You say in the article that withholding sex is a sin. But I am wondering what about just not wanting it as often as me. You see we have sex at minimum 3x a week, but for me it just isn’t enough. I am trying so hard to work on what feels like selfishness to me, but my fear is if I try to shut down my drive to make it easier on him, we will go back to the old way and I don’t want that either.
Hi Anonymous! Thank you for sharing some of your story. I greatly appreciate your willingness to share!
The withholding sex as a sin . . . is talking about one spouse that (for one reason or another) withholds sex most of the time. When you have a spouse who is lower libido and is trying (even if it is not what the other spouse wants), then no I would not say they are sinning. It seems like a fine (very gray) line I realize, but it is the withholding for great periods of time that we feel is sin. Of course, it is God who decides our hearts and how we are handling the blessing of sex in our marriage.
Trying to figure out how many times a week is enough for the higher libido spouse and agreeable to the lower libido spouse is something we get asked all the time. Good communication, trust and putting your spouses needs before your own are some of the best ways. Yet as we all know sex is very emotional. So all of the decisions we make surrounding sex, effect our one flesh connection and how we handle and feel about sex in the future. Keep diving into God’s word about being a wife and asking God to reveal to you His heart for your marriage. It is not easy, but God’s plan for marriage is full of hope and healing. Please know that we are praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate
Having sex 3 times a week seems like an unattainable fantasy to me!! I wish it were so often for us! We have sex once a month on average, but then I read about people who havent had any sex in years, and I start to think my problem pales in comparison. Still, for each one of us in a low sex marriage, our problems appear huge because they are right here with us, all the time. Honestly, as it was said before, communication is the key, but communication about sexual issues is hard, and even harder in a low-sex marriage. Unfortunately, this is one area in marriage where you BOTH have to want to change before any change will take place, so if your spouse does not want to address the issue, (or worse thinks that there is no issue), there is nothing you can do but pray, and lower your expectations. And seek encouragement form other Christians–which is exactly why I am reading Christian marriage blogs.
Once amounts to 12 times a year, and that or less is the clinical definition of a sexless marriage. The problems of others are worse, but you do indeed have a problem. Talk to your pastor (and involve him if necessary), read good books like “Boundaries” (Cloud, Townsend) and “Intimacy and Desire” (Scharch) and try to formulate a plan. You’re suffering, but your wife is sinning, and to leave her in her sin is not loving.
Once a MONTH — I meant to say.
I love what was said earlier about sharing your vision of what you would like to attain as a couple-the increase of intimacy in mind, spirit and body that sexual union symbolises. I eventually did this with my husband of thirty years. It hasn’t been easy, but way better than what we had before. He has expereinced from time to time how great that can be, and does miss it when we withdraw from each other. Our issues remain but we are better able to see them as challenges to our relationship.
Talk about painful. My husband and I have had issues from this from the beginning. I even followed the steps outlined. Praise God he gave me 4 children to help my broken heart and spirit over these years. I didn’t know until a few months ago, after 13 years of marriage, that my husband has been dabbling in pornography the whole time. While he always thought he had it under control, only viewed once in a while, it did escalate and any desire for me was killed by a growing addiction. When we did have sex, he wouldn’t look at me, would cover me up or do as much as possible without undressing me. No woman can live up to the fantasy of silicon enhanced, touched up, wanting pictures. Because of his secrets and viewing, I think he couldn’t see past his own selfishness. Even though I shared my heart through the years, sought counseling he kept this very dark secret. Well, we are working on a very long road of restoration. I tell you it is a daily choice to hope and not despair. It is a choice to not fall into the old agreements that I am dirty for wanting sex, unattractive to be desired and deeply rejected. I was so fooled into thinking pornography was never an issue, I will always suggest that a woman look into this possibility if this scenario exists. It is rampant and 70% of church going men are dabbling with this destruction. God can heal a broken heart and I can tell you that he never, never lets you go.
Hi Kay! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It truly breaks my heart, yet at the same time gives me great hope. You are very right that bringing pornography into the light needs to be done and what Satan most wants us not to do! Pornography is a real issue in many, many marriages! I think the statistic of 70% is low, but that is just an opinion. If there are low libido issues in your marriage, it would be advisable to open up and talk to your hubby about this possibility. Yet at the same time, I don’t want to imply that all husbands who have low libido issues are dealing with pornography.
Kay, your own recovery from the emotional side of pornography is very real. It is very hard to think about those images and then feel good about yourself. Yet, you are deeply beautiful and desired by God above all. Keep reading His word for you and reminding youself that He loves you very much. You sound like an amazingly strong women to me and I pray that you and your hubby find yourselves moving forward in hope, healing and your one flesh connection. It is only through God that we can find that and you are so very right-He will NEVER leave you alone. You or your husband! Know that we are praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, kate
Sexless marriages are more common than most people think. The cause of lack of sex could be caused by other problems in the marriage. Pray is definitely good and problems need to be talked about. You made some very good points in this post.
Thanks Pamela! Blessings, Kate
Thanks for this post-it is some more than needed encouragement for me.
I started reading your posts shortly after my husband and I got married last May. I was struggling with his lack of desire (especially as newlyweds) when I found Brads older post on this subject.
We will be married for a year in exactly 1 month and we still struggle with this. We are both young, so I don’t quite understand his lack of sex drive, but it’s been a deep struggle. I crave the emotional connection with him and have talked with him several times about it-nothing has changed. Since we’ve been married, we’ve both been through a lot of stress (moving to another state and starting new jobs), but I seem to be the only one wanting to “connect”.
I appreciate the openness offered here. The things you and Brad are able to speak about definitely gives me hope that one day my husband and I may have the intimacy that God intended. For now, I just have to keep praying and trusting that God has a reason for this season in our lives.
Hi Rose, Thanks for writing and for sharing! Being newlyweds you two have the advantage of not letting a whole ton of years go by without talking about it and getting some help. I would really stress talking about your feelings and that sharing sex together will grow your marriage. Just don’t give up and don’t stop talking about it together. Even if times are hard and you are still communicating, then you are bringing light to the struggles. Once you stop talking, you are allowing the struggles to hide in the darkness. God wants good things for your marriage and intimacy. Please know that we are praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate
It is a very real problem for women too! it’s insulting for someone to suggest that this is a male only problem. I spent the first 15 years of my marriage feeling utterly unloved. I sought ended up involved in porn and having more than one affair. There’s no excuse for my behavior I know but being a woman with this problem I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. The few times I did try to talk to some older ladies in my church and explained that my husband was a workaholic, they just laughed and told me to be thankful he was working instead of being after me constantly for sex!! It wasn’t until I reached my late 30′s that I really began discussing these issues with my husband…I mean really discussing why he turned me down so often. He began to realize that he had wrong ideas about sex because of his strict upbringing. it didN’t happen overnight but things are finally so much better for us!
Hi KT! Thank you so much for sharing your story! It is something others need to hear. You are one brave lady for sharing. I pray that you and your hubby can find hope and healing in your one flesh connection. It is a very real issue and yet there is no problem so big that God can’t heal it! Thank you again for sharing and blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
I must admit to a certain amount of schadenfreude. To hear women lamenting a lack of sexual intimacy is almost comical. I don’t know what it is about Christians that makes them love so very much to dance around the edges of a problem.
“There is a problem with porn!”
“There is a problem with ______!” (Fill in the blank with the vice of the week)
I could go on but you get the drift.
When in fact every Sunday 80 to 90% of the married men you see are indeed leading lives of quiet desperation. They are sleeping 6” from the woman they love. The ONLY woman on the planet they can have sex with and remain true to their marriage vows and their religion and she will not make love to him.
Let us say that again “she will not make love to him.”
Oh, she will occasionally let him masturbate in her vagina but she will not make love to him.
Solve that problem first and most of the little problems will go away on their own.
And only women talking to other women can solve this problem.
Hi Bill, thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts. I hear what you are saying and the hurt and frustration behind what you are saying. Yet as you can see from the other comments here, it is a very real problem. That is not to make light of the issue of wives who have low libido or who deny their husbands sexually-that is a very real problem as well. Yet it does not invalidate or make wives without sex, less hurtful or important. There are too many hurting marriages in this world to point fingers and say “Your problem is not as big or as real as my problem!” The reality is that low libido wives (and the hubby’s they are married to) and low libido husbands (and the wives they are married to) are both real, yet usually vastly different in causation. Not always, but usually! Helping the hurting marriages as well asn growing and strengthening marriages is what we are all about here at OFM, as well as sharing our story. We can all work togther to grow marriages and therefore grow all else in God’s kingdom! Blessings, Kate
Bill’s reply to Kate:
Thank you so very much for responding. Let me make a few observations.
I never said it is not a real problem for women to have the higher libido. For them personally of course it is a problem but for society the percentage is so low as to not merit a great deal of resources at this time. My guess is that if society made a real effort to solve the sexual problems in marriage, taken as a whole, this problem would be solved automatically.
Point of fact is that my problem is in fact bigger and more important than yours and it is absolutely more real in terms of the effect it has on society.
All of that having been said, thank you and yours for what you are doing with this blog. It is a great step in the right direction. I would add, though I am loathe to do it, the ship is sinking so let’s stop rearranging the chairs and solve the big problem.
Hi Bill, thank you too for responding to me! I hear you and I do agree that husbands with low libido issues is a smaller percentage then wives with the issue. Yet I feel it is in fact a larger minority. Especially to the women who are in these marriage and the husbands for that matter. I was curious about your comment “Point of fact is that my problem is in fact bigger and more important than yours and it is absolutely more real in terms of the effect it has on society.” I would love to hear more about this, because to be honest I am not sure if what I think you are saying, is in fact what you are saying. So clarity would be great, to help me better understand.
I agree that solving the problem is the key, yet every marriage is different and there is no quick fix. Do you have thoughts on how this could be changed easily? I honestly would love to hear them! If we as society (especially the Christ-followers) were to work hard to fix the sexual problems in marriage, I believe all areas of ministry and life would grow and flourish. It is the exact reason why Brad and I are huge advocates for making Marriage Ministry a BIG priority in our local churches. If we put as much time and effort into marriages (much focus on sex) as we do children, teens, and singles (which are all vastly important ministries) we believe we would see all things grow in the church. Kids would be much more grounded and self assured, singles would want to wait for the one God has waiting for them (there are exceptions of course-given that there is free will)! Strong, healthy, sex filled marriages have the ability to impact EVERYTHING! So we agree with you wholeheartedly on that!
Thanks again for sharing and would love to hear your thoughts on my above questions! Blessings Bill! Kate
Thank you for the reply. I am somewhat embarrassed to say that what I was actually doing was responding to your sleight (one that I do not think you intended) that because it was women with the problem it was somehow elevated in status. Sorry about that.
To explain my “Point of fact” comment – We can tell by some of the other comments that the women being rejected by their husbands are caused to have a great deal of emotional pain. I believe that because a man’s sense of self worth is so closely tied to his sexuality that the effect of rejection is much more profound for a man. Imagine several million men going to work each day that have been rejected by their wives continually for many years. How many car accidents or work accidents were ultimately caused or affected by the depression or just plain old bad feelings that they carry around every waking moment from this rejection? For example: One of my daughters once told me that even as a child she and her siblings knew that dad was very, very sad but they did not know why. If my children could see it then don’t you think it had a profound effect on my behavior and thoughts 24 hrs a day? (she told me this about 5 yrs ago, I am now 60 and she 31.
And because there are many more men with this problem than women and because there are more male breadwinners than women and because the effect is more severe I think it a much more serious, more important and larger problem. I hope that explains my words. I am not very good at this writing thing.
As far as the “fix” is concerned I have actually been giving this a great deal of thought for many years. I have decided that bold gestures and so-called marriage ministries are not a good thing because they wind up being theatre rather than actually accomplishing anything. Not that they don’t occasionally accomplish something but it is very little bang for too much buck. No follow up statistics either except for McManus, whose approach I also like.
So my proposed solution is a simple suggestion given by the preacher every few weeks.
The preacher says:
Marriage is the most important relationship on earth.
If you are having problems in your marriage get help.
See me for suggestions as to where to get the help.
If either one of you thinks there is a problem then there is a problem.
If you are the spouse that does not want to go to counseling then you are currently the bigger part of the problem.
I believe that if this were repeated often enough, say every third Sunday, you would begin to see a systemic change in the attitudes of the married couples in the congregation and they would begin to seek help. The least reluctant would go first and the most reluctant may never go at all but I think the results would be contagious and the more successes you have the more momentum will build and I believe it would grow geometrically. Obviously there are some problems to be overcome before you could put this in place but you see where I am going with this. The goal is to give very subtle incentives to both parties to get counseling. The incentives are, 1. permission to get help and 2. not be shamed by not going to counseling.
Finally, it is my contention that if you develop a reputation for building marriages and solving the money and sexual problems in marriage you couldn’t build a church large enough to hold everybody that wanted to come.
Sorry for the length. I cut it as short as I could.
Bill,
I want to jump in here too. I hear the pain that you are coming from, it is significant and not to be undermined. Fortunately, because there are more marriages that deal with the issue of a wife with low sexual drive there is heaps of information out there on that topic. In fact We’ve posted multiple times about this, for example Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change or We Haven’t Had Sex In Over a Year“.
Just because a husband with low sex drive is less common it does not mean that it isn’t a huge issue to address in marriage. I also add this is not just for women, when a man has low sex drive all he hears about is that’s not “manly”. Saying that men don’t have this issue only compounds it! We need to address both sides of the coin!
I really do hear your pain, I only ask that you not allow your pain to color your impression of what others are going through!
Blessings!
Brad
Hi again Bill,
Thanks for explaining further! It seems my hubby has chimed in as well . . . I hear all that you say and to be honest, I don’t disagree with most of what you have said. I have admitted many times on our blog that for 5 years of our marriage I struggled with low libido and did not fully understand myself, or the effects I was having on Brad. God has broken me of these things and now I am one of the biggest advocates for you husbands out there. I am always sharing with wives, that sex (and not just showing up physically) NEEDS to be a priority in your life and marriage. I talk about it so much, that wives have come to expect it from me! I have shared the reality of not making it a priority and sharing one of the biggest blessings with THE BEST give you have ever been given-your hubby! So you will not catch me disagreeing with you one bit. I also think your visual is a great one proving that yes, men’s sex lives effect everything about them. When they are not connected to their wives in this way-the impact is deep and lasting.
On the other side of the coin (which I am also just as passionate about) are the women who are starving for sex and the emotional connection that it brings. Women tend to have less of the “physical” need and more of the emotional, yet when a wife has been deprived for long periods of time, by the one person she is aloud to share this blessed connection with, it becomes an increasingly physical battle. They are hurt emotionally by being pushed away, yet they are NEEDING the physical connection as well. Just how God designed it. To say it is less physical then men, I agree, but from what these women are sharing, when it is absent-it is just a poignant!
I also think that the visual of a wife who is constantly rejected and pushed away by her husband, has to get up every morning and either go to work or be at home with her children. A wife that feels unloved and is craving sex with her husband is bound to be just as much of a depressed powder keg with her children. I would imagine her children know something is not right, just as your daughter always knew. I believe that will greatly affect how she raises her children. How she teaches them about God-her husband being the example. How she teaches them about marriage and how husbands care and provide for their wives. All that she does with those children will be colored by her husband stepping out of his role of the intimacy mate for his wife. The same will be true of her in the working environment, though I would doubt it has as many effects on the future as her children (just my opinion of course). So I believe that the women who is craving the physical love of her husband will be affecting many generations to come and setting a sad example that her children will likely follow. The effects are, in what I see, just as devastating. Would love to hear your thoughts on this!
I too agree 110% that it is the churches place to step up to the mic and start preaching! Loud and clear! Brad and I have been saying for quite sometime now, that making marriage ministry one of the top priorities in church is a must-yet so few churches do! If you help marriages navigate sex and all else-you will strengthen marriage and then in our opinion, you will strengthen every other ministry in the church!! Start with the MOST important relationship that God has created (outside of our relationship with Him) and you will see the trickle down effect on everything else! We have one very limited chance to teach our children what a one flesh biblical marriage is, and the truth is many of us a failing. Which means we are setting up our children to fail-but for the grace of God! It is our hope and prayer that every church, big-small and in between will step up and make this a priority!
I never meant for one second to say that wives with low libido and their starved husbands is less of a problem then wives with husbands who deny sex! Never! Yet at the same time, my only disagreement is that (husbands with libido issues and their starved wives )it is just as profound and effecting just as much as your side of the coin! That is all I was trying to say in my responces to your comments. I wrote this post, because to be honest with you, we get many emails with women crying out in depression and despair about their husband who will not touch them and reject their advances. We also get many from husband in the same situation and it truly is gut wrenching for me!
So those are my thoughts . . . keep the dialogue coming! We are bringing light to the situation and that is most important! Satan wishes for us to keep it all in the dark!
Blessings to you Bill, Kate
Also, I am not sure if you ever read this post, but it was pretty pressing on the wives who deny their husband sex!
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/07/we-havent-had-sex-in-over-year.html
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/07/sexual-intimacy-journey-from-broken.html
I have the opposite problem, my wife does not want sex or intimacy – I feel for every woman out there where their partner does not want to be intimate, it is a very lonely place to be and experience.
Hi Bradley! Thanks for writing and for sharing! You are also not alone out there, there are many husbands who are in a similar situation as you. Please know you are not alone. We have writtin many articles on low libido in wives, because I (in the past) struggled greatly with this. Search through our archives and read through some of those and feel free to email us anytime if you would like to talk further! Blessings, Kate
Andrews, have a look at this thread:
http://marriage.about.com/b/2008/01/07/is-your-husband-not-interested-in-sex.htm
It’s pretty heartbreaking stuff, but it should put to rest any idea that this is only a guy’s problem.
My husband and I only had sex once in 45 years. That was on our wedding night the first and last time.I don’t think he ever loved me. He thought that sex was disgusting, meaningless, no excitment. He never even sleep the whole night with me on our wedding night. He stayed in bed maybe an hour, then sat the rest of the night out on the patio.After our wedding night he decided he was moving all of his things to the basement where hes been all these years. Also he volenteered to work midnights to be away from me, he worked 40 plus years on nights. Currently we live like apartment dewellers, he has his life and I have mine. I’ve accepted the fact that I will be lonely and depressed for ever. In my 60s now and I’ll just let my life run its course.
Hi Amy, Thanks for writing and sharing! It breaks my heart to hear your story and others like it. I pray that God will give you peace that surpassing all understanding and be your comfort. You are always first in His heart and affections. I cannot imagine what it is like to be in your postion, not the lonliness and despair. Please know that I am praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate
My husband and I have been married for just over 2 years now. I can honestly say that I don’t think we’ve had sex even 2 dozen times. Yeah, we had sex before marriage. We dated for 6 years before we got married. The first year and change we practically lived together and always had sex; although, even now, I can see by looking back over that period just how much certain aspects of intimacy were greatly lacking. Then after that initial period of time, we decided that living outside of God’s will was very wrong and we were suffering in different aspects of our life because of the disobedience. That didn’t make the drive between us go away nor did everything stop right away but over the years we learned inordinate amounts of self control. We still had our moments but we really learned how to avoid them. Anyways… The week before we got married we were practically chomping at the bit and ready “to go.” But we restrained ourselves. I swear the moment we said “I do,” and got to the reception the desire was gone from my husband. When we got back to our hotel, he had to be taken to the church (1/4 mile away) to get his car. He didn’t come back for about 1-1/2 hours, and I was fuming. He said he dropped his ring and it took him 20 minutes to find it. The other hour and change he went to visit his parents in their hotel room! And they didn’t even push him out and he didn’t even have the nerve to call me. I had to beg him that night to do anything with me since he was tired. And it was perfunctory. I feel like i should have known what to expect since then. We went on our 4 days of honeymoon. Our first night there the sex was expected, but it was I who initiated it. After that night we had sex once more. The rest of the time was whatever. There was no desire whatsoever. The first 3 months of our marriage (after the honeymoon) we had sex maybe once or twice. Since then it’s maybe a week with two maybe three times every 3-6 months. Seriously. I have brought it up with him so many times with every emotion from indifference to calm to anger to frustration to pleading to desperation, etc. I think he has initiated maybe once or twice at the most. The sex was good maybe once or twice during the whole marriage. It’s all been perfunctory. No foreplay from him. He doesn’t even make sure I’m “ready” usually. Not that he’s mean. He’s not. It’s just blah. I try to get a bunch of gusto up for it. And sometimes he plays along a little but mostly whatever.
To get a kiss from him that is more than what he’d give his mother or a stranger is like pulling teeth. His back hurts. His neck hurts. He’s gotta do this or that. If I ask him to touch me, to maybe put lotion on my back, I feel like I committed a cardinal sin. If he does it at all, it’s with some complaint. And if I say anything he says, “I did it, didn’t I? I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to.” That’s all fine and true, but it’s the attitude. I know him well. Better than almost anyone else in this world. I know when he wants to do something and when he doesn’t.
I could keep going on, but there’s no point. We are like roommates- good friends who get to sleep and walk naked with each other. Our lives are not in unity with the important things at all. We can talk as long as it’s about a video game, a gun or some monument to the past or tv show, etc. Nothing really important- except for when he will talk about us (like 3 times since we got married) or the good conversations we’ve gotten into about God.
I am struggling. I love to read, and started reading erotica with the images of me and him in place of the characters. Well usually, not always. This is a sporadic behavior because when I really let it hit my heart what I’m doing I get really disgusted with myself, and confess it to the Lord. (Ever feel like the number 1 consumer of God’s grace? I often do.) I have been on porn sites, etc. I always manage to disgust myself and get off and be good for a long time. Then the rejection gnaws at me. And when that eventually wears me down, I start with the attitude. I don’t care if he eats, is taken care of, etc. I mean I do, but the point is that I start not caring whether he is taken care of because he doesn’t take care of me in the most basic ways of intimacy, affection, romance, unity, etc. Like I said he isn’t cruel and unkind, but he only lets me in so far then after that everything better be surface.
I am stuck in the house all the time. I can’t find a job (not even as a cashier). This creates tension with us because we are so broke and about to claim bankruptcy. He gets depressed because we are broke and he feels less than a man. We are both battling depression. But he really lets it take a hold of him.
I tell him, “please let’s push into each other. Wouldn’t life be easier if we were at least connected?”
And don’t get me wrong- I do not nag. If anything, I make my case once or maybe a few times during a week than I drop it for several months. Used to be a lot longer in between but the tension between us is getting so bad that more and more we are at each other’s throats or on egg shells. And that’s not usual for us. We don’t get into big fights. Only 4 since we got married. We usually get snippy, maybe a tiny argument but then we get over it. Sometimes we even fix a situation.
I want freedom in this marriage. I want intimacy and beauty and affection and romance and sex and etc. I feel very alone. I know what God expects of me. I am not perfect. I am trying to work on myself. But no matter what’s going on with me, the rejection from this man I love is slow torture. He never gives me any good reason why he doesn’t want me. Usually just stays quiet when I ask. Says he does want me but there is never any action to prove it. I asked if he’s cheating. Sometimes he says no, other times he ignores me. Honestly can’t see him cheating. I think I have more the personality for it. And I have thought about it. Not really for a physical release (although I would really love that) but for an emotional connection. When we do anything physical, I usually want him to get his hands off me the moment he touches me even though I practically begged him to touch me. Although I am turned on and wanting sex. I never have a real orgasm. He tells me, as soon as he is done, that he feels bad but doesn’t seem to get that straight sex just doesn’t do it for me or many women. He almost gets offended when I gently guide him to touch better. I get that it’s such a fine line. I am angry and constantly having to forgive him and to forgive myself. And not doing anything rash.
I absolutely cannot believe I just wrote all that. It must be very disjointed. Sorry about that. I guess I really need to vent.
I love my husband. He is a kind, patient, generous man in general. The potential in him is great. The potential in us is great. But it’s all dying. I walk such a tight line. I don’t want to offend or make worse, but I don’t know anymore. In trying to appease him, I ignore my own desires and needs. How does this work out? I don’t understand. I am so confused. I am so hurt. Like someone said above, I can see into the future and there will be nothing between us. And will I ever have a child to even ease the pain a little? I have a low chance already of getting and maintaining a pregnancy. How can I ever get pregnant if I never have sex though? Yes, it only takes once and God can do whatever He wants. I believe that 1000%.
Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Hi Kami! Thank you so much for writing and for sharing your some of your story. My heart truly breaks for your story. You are not alone in your struggle, there are many wives out there feeling much the way you do. I wish that I could give you an easy fix or a quick answer, but I can’t. I realize you have probably heard that a number of times and it doesn’t help. Yet at the same time, it is true and healing takes time! What I will say, is that no chasm is to bid that God can’t fill it and heal it. He wants great things for you marriage and the fact that you see the potential in your hubby and your marriage is a very good thing. Don’t lose touch with that hope.
As for practical ways to help, the only things I see at this point are to keep trying to talk to your hubby, keep expressing your feelings and how you want your marriage to grow and pull you together. Perhaps try counseling, if he won’t go, go by yourself. Many times your insurance will pay for some counseling. Keep seeking the Word on what he wants you to do and be as a wife. Even though he is not meeting your needs and treating you as the scriptures ask, you are accountable for you. As hard as that is, you need to try, with God’s help to be the wife he wants. Keep praying for strength and peace, and an for God to fill that emotional connection void that you have. He CAN fill your need in that way.
As for needing sexual release, I cannot imagine how hard that is for you. I would challenge you on the erotica, that is not what God wants for you or your marriage. It is porn for women! It will rob you of what real intimacy is and keep you there in a place you don’t want to be. When sex has been absent for so long, many say it is ok to use masturbation as a means of sexual release. I think that can be true as long as lust is not a part of it-which has to be very hard. With God it can be done. Something to think and pray on! Also finding an accountablity partner is a good idea.
I can understand wanting a child so that you can love and snuggle and feel loved back, but raising a child in the current atmosphere you are describing, doesn’t sound like the best idea. If things are hard now, adding a baby to the picture will make things much harder. It will be the same stress on much less sleep.
Please know that you are not alone and that I will be praying for you and your hubby! God is the God of healing and restoration. My heart goes out to you both. We are always here if you need to talk! Blessings, Kate
I have yet to overcome this horrible situation in
My marriage. My husband is in denial of his low/no sex drive. It is leading me down a path of misery, rejection and bitterness. The anger can be life altering especially when things never improve.
A sexless marriage is torture!!!!!!
Hi GTY! Thanks for writing and being willing to share! From everything I have heard and from our own experience, a sexless (or low sex) marriage is very acute! Keep sharing with your husband how much you desire connection with him and how much you want to work through this together. I am sure he is in denial and feels likea huge failure. What guy wants to own up to having issues in the bedroom? Keep praying for him and serving him. Respecting him and loving him. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you, but how you react and treat him, is your battle! Keep leaning on God! Blessings to you! Kate
Hi Kate,
Thank you for sharing all the wonderful idea’s.
I have a husband who has ED,and is in denial, above all else doesn’t want me near him or to touch him in any intimate way. I’m at my wit’s end, yesterday he actually yelled at me for trying. We have gone over a year without sex or any type of intimacy. I have talked to him about it I have shown him your website so that he can see we are not the only couples we have these type of issues, I know it needs to be a WE thing before there can be change. Thank you for letting me vent and for the inspiration to go on.
Hi Maria! Thanks for writing and sharing where you are! My heart breaks for you both. I have no doubt that both of you are hurting and miserable. Have you talked to your hubby about seeing a doctor and also a counselor. The doctor many times can help with the physical, but the counselor can work with the emotional. Walls get built up so quick and breaking them down is not easy! Don’t give up. Keep sharing how much you love to be with your hubby and connect together. Share that this is not just his problem, it is a one flesh thing and you want to work to healing together. Keep telling him how amazing he is in all areas of life, how much you respect him and are thankful for all that he does for the family. He needs to know and feel that he is an in everyway, so that he can want to seek healing in this area. Truth be told, he doesn’t feel like much of a man at all and he feels like he has failed you! Seek God’s heart for how he wants you to respond and treat your hubby! Keep seeking Him and know that you are not alone! We will be praying for you! Blessings, Kate
The book The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He’s Lost Desire
addresses these issues. I don’t know if the author, Michelle Weiner-Davis is a Christian, but there is nothing in the book that is anti-Christian. She says the problem of low libido husbands is much more prevalent than one might think. She says you can’t picture a guy in the locker room after pick-up basketball saying something like, “I’m so tired this morning. My wife keeps pestering me for sex. Doesn’t she know I need my sleep? She just wants it all the time, she drives me nuts. She just wants my body; she doesn’t want me for me, etc.”
Karen,
for several of our posts! I agree it is a good book, and while not explicitly Christian, it has some great information!
Thank you for your comment! We’ve used info from The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide
I totally agree that male low sex drive is a much bigger issue they anyone really knows. We only expect it of women so men do not want to talk about it! Thanks for your comments!
I really needed to read this page today. I can echo so many of the women’s stories. It would be so easy to give up just because he has given up but I still hear that still small voice that says – “You let me worry about Him, right now I’m doing something in you…” I don’t understand what exactly He is doing often but I have to trust Him.
I was almost to the point of saying forget it but after reading all these posts I phoned my husband instead just to say hi. The person who suffers when I choose to return action for action is me.
Thanks for your ministry. My heart is breaking in my personal struggle with sexless marriage issues but I know that God will see me through. No promises that it will be a pleasant ride though.
Martha
Just really wanted to add that I’m so glad to know that even though our marriage situations might not be “normal”, it’s just so good to know that I’m not alone in what I’m going through. Ladies, thank you so much for sharing your stories and hearts. I’m encouraged and somehow it makes it easier to keep going.
Hi Martha! I am glad that you found us and were encouraged by what you read here in the comments and the post! There is something to be said, for knowing that you are not alone in the world, when you are struggling. Keep seeking God and His strength, when you feel like there is nothing left! Blessings to you and your hubby! Praying for healing! Kate
Can relate to such struggles. Have a couple of comments that relate to various postings. Guilt is a huge sexual inhibitor in marriage and can be brought on via pre marital sexual activity. Repenting and acknowleding that you violated God’s rules and defrauded each other can go a long way to putting things right. A wrongful divorce and remarriage situation falls under this heading also.
Its hard to expect God’s blessings on what’s in your hands when you were willing to sin against Him to have that relationship. It doesn’t work either to issue a lip service apology and then go on to have your cake and eat it too. God isn’t duped. One has to come to grips with the issues of idolatry and rebellion involved and sincerely come back into agreement with God, that His ways are right and we transgressed them. He gives grace to the humble but resists the proud. There is mercy for the sincerely repentant. Its not an easy thing to repent of, especially when we’ve justified what we’ve done and then have built a whole new life and identity on this new person rather than realizing we’ve left our first love.
When David acknowledged his sin, he said to God, ” Against thee and thee only have I sinned and done what is evil in thy sight”. He realized with grief that his actions showed that he had departed in heart from his Lord to whom he owed all things including the kingly authority he had used to accomplish his sinful acts.
I know of a pastor who was married to a lady with many emotional problems. He himself had issues in the area of shame and doubt about his masculinity. He met a lady in the same church who resembled what his wife would have looked like had she been healed and whole enough to be a confident and competent help meet. He divorced his wife and married the “upgrade” and is now out of the ministry. In his mind, he had had enough of being held back from being his “authentic self” and living out his “spiritual identity” and this new lady seemed to be the perfect answer and complement. His sin and hers had serious repercussions, throwing an entire church into turmoil, robbing two sets of children of their parents, etc. Two years later the damage was still being sorted out in that church.
In reality, the focus on one’s authentic identity is really self idolatry in diguise though there are elements of legitimate concern. David would not put forth his hand to grasp power and position or kingly identity but waited on God for all of it.
We can’t find authentic spiritual purpose and identity in a man or a woman – big deception. The only real identity can be found in Him who created us – the supreme engineer whose handiwork we are. No one else can tell us who we are but Him. I’m convinced that the search for these things leads people to wrongly shuck off marriage partners in search of the aforementioned upgrade, only to find themselves in the same sort of situation. We can get really turned off and even bitterly resentful towards our spouses if we have expectations of them that should be directed to God. If we are looking for them to make us feel good about ourselves, give us identity and worth or confidence etc, they will fail and we will be disappointed and can fall to bitterness and self pity, that defiling root. When something is defiled its made “yucky” and polluted. Its hard to feel desire and love when polluted by bitterness.
Obedience and righteousness are the best aphrodisiac and doing as one ought leads to greater confidence and moral authority in both leading and following. Blessings.
This s a joke; women HATE sex.
Hi Bill! Hmmm, your statement baffles me a bit, because I am women who LOVES sex and is proud to say so. I also am a sexually confident wife and I only have eyes for my amazing hubby! The oneness and connection that God blesses us with through sex is something I cannot describe in words and I would be very sad to lose it! So while I hear that there is great pain in your statement-be careful not to group all of us women in the same group. Also there are many men out there that avoid sex for various reasons. Sex was created as a huge and very uniquely special blessing in marriage and therefore is under attack. Satan loves that he can derail couples through sex. Don’t let the enemy have that foothold. God is the God of healing and restoration. Trust in Him and he can heal any gap in your marriage. If you would like to talk with us any further feel free to email us at onefleshmarriage@gmail.com Blessings to you! Kate
Umm … if the husband is NOT having sex within the marriage, doesn’t stand to reason that the wife is also NOT having sex within the marriage? Just sayin’ … and visa versa?
Hi Both,I commented away back on this post as I was reading. Wanted to say thankyou for your consistent encouragement and support of the righteous goal of intimacy in marriage. It takes loving commitment to deal with so much pain and rejection with grace, we are at our most vulnerable when we show our sexual needs to our spouses, and the experience of rejection can be very embittering. There has been some of both here, but you two have consistently re-enforced the reality of God’s grace and His intention for His children to experience delight in their intimacy.
If you had done nothing else in your ministry, this would be enough.
I have been married over thirty years with monthly sex at most, and I’m the higher libido spouse. My husband is a good man in very way, but has not come from a background that esteems or seeks intimacy, in fact his family culture is one of avoidance. Over time this has become intimidating for him, and ultimately has led to me feeling very ashamed for having my own sexual needs.
Whilst I acknowledge that it would have been wrong for me to leave my marriage, ideally we would have communicated about this many years ago. Needing sexual fulfillment with one’s spouse is not a wicked thing,and seeking to build solutions to these situations is far better than gritting one’s teeth and enduring, as it has the potential for ennobling both spouses.
In thirty plus years I have still never experienced orgasm. That’s not a good thing. The solution for us is for me to explore my own pleasure in order to be able to empower my husband to do so- to seek information through self exploration. I wouldn’t want to impinge on your message of tolerance and forbearance, but I think little is served when neither can be happy. It has taken us many months of working with a therapist for me to be prepared to consider this, but I do now see that we need this information available to us in order to empower us both.
It seems that life is not as black and white as I may once have thought.
Hi handle with care! Thanks for writing and sharing some of your story. I am sure it has been a tough road for you and your hubby, yet it sounds like you are on the path moving forward. It is very hard when one or both spouses come from a background where intimacy is absent and through absense is discouraged. In our marriage, one of us comes from that very same background and it has been very hard to change all of that. Totally understand where you are coming from there.
I wanted to share about your not expereincing an orgasm, that self exploration in order to further intimacy in your marriage, is something I personally would encourage. Some might think me crazy, but if you are a women and have not been able to climax, you may just need to explore yourself some to find out where and what feels good. I always encourage wives to do this with their husbands with them, so that it does not become an “alone” activity. Something to feel ashamed about or to hide from your spouse. When there are issues in our sexual relationship, I believe we need to face them together. Sexual intimacy is about two becoming one, not two existing together. I applaud you and your hubby for seeing a therapist and working through this together.
Please know that you are not alone out there and I am lifting you and your hubby up! Thank you again for sharing. Blessings, Kate
Thankyou Kate, so lovely to have another woman’s support. Wish this thinking and support had been around so many years ago-wonderful work.
Thank you too! We greatly appreciate all of our readers and “doing life together”! Blessings, Kate
Hi! My situation is opposite of the article. My husband has high sex drive, libido, etc. I do not. I did not have sex until marriage, and I have been married for 10 years. He was the only man I dated, wanted, etc. Sadly, sex has been the one thing to distance him from me, so that I do not have loving feelings anymore, I, even despise and resent God for this reality. I spent many years psychoanalyzing myself, as to why I had no sex drive, orgasm, etc. Now, at 37…and facing severe health issues related to anemia…I feel as my source is most likely medically-related (though no one has diagnosed me) for I have gone to a sex therapist, read 15 plus books, etc. to no avail. Reality is I am just as bummed about our sex life as he is…sex is a sad reminder of the reality that God withheld his blessing/gift from me. It is not fair to him or me. I do not see “my voice” represented on the internet in any discussions. For many years, I’d still have sex often, putting aside my disappointment, sadness, lack of pleasure…to meet his needs, as it was my marital duty. While I have no physical sexual desire…I call my desire…intellectual…I want to enjoy sex, but only get to “window-shop” and that bitters the soul…the sex that connects him, disconnects me…as I fade into the backdrop and wonder why in the world did I wait till marriage (28 yrs. old)…I had a sex drive at 16…was dating him…but made the righteous decision and waited before marriage…thinking it would all “work” when needed…I had no reason to know I was “different.” If I had, I would never have burdened him or myself. So, we live a mediocre marital life…when I thought it would have been that so-called gift God provides. I am at my wit’s end. I am depressed and feel like a reject. I often wonder why God would give me a man with a high sex drive…he could have left me single. I’d rather be divorced than bear this burden. I’m unhappy not being able to bond with my husband in this way. BTW, I’m no prude…we’ve tried about everything we could think of…but after 10 years, I am tired of fighting…and would almost rather hire him a prostitute…Instead, we live in sad compromise…as I said, what draws him closer…drives me further away, so truly neither of us are happy…only sadly committed. It’s certainly not the marital life we expected. Any new wisdom you’d like to share would be appreciated.
Hi Saddened by “God’s Gift”,
Thanks so much for writing and sharing openly about where you and your hubby are. My heart breaks for the hurt you both are going through. You know I see much of myself in your story. We too waited until we were married, had dated for 6 years. Though sex in marriage was going to be super awesome. While it was the 1st year, it quickly lost its luster and I began to wonder what was wrong with me that he wanted sex all the time and I did not. I was heartsick about it, even though I didn’t know how to change it. I knew it was hurting us and the man I loved very much. My story also tells you that there is HOPE!! And that no marriage is too far gone for God’s grace and restoration. I am 35, so we are around the same age. It took God working in both of us, work on both of our sides, understanding of each other, communication and a desire to have the marriage God desires for us. I know in your hurt and pain you cannot fathom that ALL of this is worth it-but being on the other side, having a marriage and sex that is what God wants for it. I would actually walk through all that muck and yuck again to get to where we are today-it is that good! YOU CAN GET THERE TOO!! We are evidence of that! Please know there is hope!
Because my story is similar to yours, I have written much of my story and blogged on this topic a great deal. I encourage you to read my other posts-your voice is not forgotten, my friend! If you would like to talk further and I can share some practical steps I took, please feel free to email me at any time at kate@onefleshmarriage.com! I am praying for you right now. Blessings and healing! Kate
If you are Anemic, then yes that is the reason. My wife was, and had extremely low iron levels, and low blood count. As a result of this she was extremely tired all the time. Add in birth control that kills desire and it’s a done deal.
Dear Saddened, I really admire your commitment, just wanted to make a positive contribution to your situation,I share your sense of grief, this has not yet been resolved for me and it’s thirty years. But we are progressing as we never would have due to couples therapy with a qualified sex therapist. So wish we’d done this thirty years ago before my body just got worn out. At the very least the feelings can be got out and shared and the situation owned by both of you. I want more for you, do see a therapist soon, and think about exploring your own pleasure.
I left my first husband because (amongst other reasons) I wasn’t getting what I needed from the relationship. No sex, no intimacy, I was so hurt and humiliated for years.
I left him for a wonderful man (who is now my husband), who made me feel like a woman in every way. I was special and loved, cared for, wanted and desired, our sex life was amazing (I wasn’t a Christian back then…)
After we got married frequency started to dwindle. Then after our first child, less and less (understandable I know given the sleep deprivation). Now our 2nd child just turned 1 and this year we’ve had sex 4 times.
I realize the pressure of having 2 children makes things more difficult but I still desire him and want him all the time just as much as in the beginning. Lack of sleep doesn’t stop my desire. We have tiffs but we don’t fight or speak unkindly to each other. I’m sure I can be a pain sometimes but I do my very best not to nag or cause him grief. I can’t believe this is happening to me again, I must be just so horribly undesirable.
We have spoken about it and he agrees there is an issue but nothing happens and he always manages to come up with excuses even BEFORE I’ve attempted to initiate anything! It’s like he’s preempting an attack!
. So I have stopped (attempting to) initiate out of fear of rejection.
When I suggest we need more time alone or to go on dates, he just about runs a mile and comes up with excuses again.
I love him and want nothing more than to connect the way we used to, I know he wants this too, but nothing ever happens. I feel very hurt, rejected and even more humiliated because I feel like I’ve failed again.
Thanks for letting me speak
Hi Diane! Thanks so much for writing and sharing where you and your hubby are. My heart breaks for you both as I am sure you are both hurting greatly! I wish that I had an easy answer for you, but you know I don’t-still wish there was one!
First and most important here-these issues in NO WAY mean that you are undesirable in any way!!! You have to stop believing that lie that Satan is trying to feed you while you are in the valley! You are desirable to your hubby, I have no doubt! He is the man who desires you and prays that God will keep him from lust over others! Know that he desires you and that you are a desirable women (for your hubby’s eyes only)!
The second thing that I would say is that your hubby obviously knows that he has an issue and is most likely baffled and very embarassed by it! I know you said that you have talked to him so much and do not want to be rejected again, so avoid the topic. I would say that your hubby needs to have a physical to look into possible low testosterone issues. That is always the best place to start. Yet it is a hard thing for men to do-go to the doctor and admit they are having issues with desire for sex. Men are supposed to be able to have sex until the die with no issues, right? Well that is how they feel no matter how irrational it is. And lets face it, we as women don’t really like to go to the doctor and admit something is wrong with our girl parts! Ugh! So we can relate!
I would try talking to your hubby about how you feel! How you want your intimacy to have a very special place in your marriage. How you want to feel connected to him in this way and want to share what you can with no one else with him, regularly! Try very hard not to point fingers and blame. Really it is not a her or me issue, because it is sex and one flesh-it is an us issue. Therefore, if you can and your hubby is open to it, you should go to the doctor with him. If he does have a medical reason, you need to know what the treatments are and how they will affect him physically as well as your one flesh connection.
If you find that everything is fine physically (which very well might take 2nd or 3rd opinions) then I would recommend counseling. There could be something mentally that is blocking your hubby from being able to enjoy sex with you. Pornography could be an issue, I will not lie to you! Yet there are many other things that can be mental blocks-past trauma and other things. Counseling is not admitting defeat, in fact it is a brave step for your marriage. Having a third party there to look at things without the emotional connection is a good thing! Share how much you desire to have the marriage God designs and you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there! Medical visits, counseling and whatever else!
There is hope, friend, please know that and never lose sight of that. God’s plan for marriage is filled with hope! Please know that you are not alone out there, many women are in the same place you are. While you are hurting, seek God and allow him to give you strength to love, respect and serve your hubby as he calls you to, even in these incredible hard times! I am praying for you and feel free to contact me anytime at kate@onefleshmarriage.com! We try to respond quickly, though sometimes it is not as quickly as we would like! Blssings and hope to you friend! Kate
P.S. I later found out my first husband had a porn addiction and had secret credit cards he’d use on the Internet so I wouldn’t find out. My (now) husband is aware that was an issue for me previously and restricted our Internet access and prayed for that particular issue not to affect him.
Sorry it’s me again! I just wanted to add one last note.
You point out that children would be affected by their mother having a bad day or being depressed as a result of this and I agree with this wholeheartedly.
I have cried a lot this year from rejection and confusion, to the point where my daughter would catch me, then approach me and say “Are you crying mum?” Then she’d rub my back and tell me “don’t worry about it, it’s alright”… she’s 2 and a half!! I’m convinced she’s been/is being affected by this.
My husband and I have talked enough that I’m too embarrassed to talk about it anymore so I pretend it doesn’t bother me.
This I can assure you. When a husband is not respected by his wife, he will not keep having sex for long. Wives, if you always ENJOY being right all the time, then prepare to be lonely.
Sounding a little veangeful there Tom. Hard to see where a situation where you withhold sex in order to register your dissatisfaction with your relationship can go except from bad to worse.I would think that is a lose\lose, which must leave you both suffering-you’ll be getting less sex too, right? It’s great that there are alternatives to a life time of misery these days.
I’ve just buried my mother, and her life was so sad because she lived in a time where people accepted misery as their lot. Conversations such as these can help us see that God does not intend us to live with avoidable misery, and indeed that we can take responsibility for blessing each other through developing our capacity to act in a loving manner even when we are not getting what we want. I’m hoping that you and the woman you chose to marry will be able to overcome your shared history and move things forward into a more fulfilling future. I’m guessing that will have to start with a civil conversation in which you are able to harness whatever goodwill is left to express how much you want a happier future for you both.I have experienced the grace of the Holy Spirit in enabling me to do this, and to follow that through with therapeutic help and support. I only wish it hadn’t taken me so long to get it. Hopefully conversations like these will save other marriages from the bitter story that our lives become if we do not actively seek change through the desire to bless.
handle with care-thanks so much for sharing from your life and what God has taught you! Blessings, Kate
Hi Tom, Thanks for writing and sharng your thoughts. You are right that love and respect move in a circle. When one is not being contributed, the other tends to want to stop their contribution as well. Though it may be human nature to think and act this way, it is not what God calls of us as husband and wife. One day we will all answer to our Savior and it won’t be for what our spouse did or did not do-it will in fact be for what you have done or not done and more importantly, how you responded to what your spouse did or did not do! It is a hard thing to think of, but it is the truth.
That is not to say that it will be easy to respond in the way God desires or that we will never mess up. Yet God says, their WILL be trials, you can be sure-but he will be with us the entire way and supply for all of our needs if we ask and trust as well as stop trying to do these things with our own strengh.
I know there is great pain behind what you have shared. Jesus can truly be all you need! I pray that you hold on the the hope of God’s plan for marriage. Blessings, Kate
I would say that it’s always easy to look through our own rosé colored glasses and compare our situations with others. I’d say from a husband not getting the physical intimacy from my wife that withholding sex is the last thing you should do if you want to stay married. One of the replys said that it moves in a circle, that’s exactly right. What ever you want from your spouse, you give. 100%, not reluctantly, but with love. If you want to be respected, respect her. If you want love, love her. The Serenity prayers says
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”
Hopefully these words will encourage and inspire you to go above and beyond to love your wife and only through prayer and fasting will you be 100% complete. God Bless
Here’s my situation:
I’ve been married for 13 1/2 years which 7 has been sexless. My wife and I got married at 18, 4 months later got pregnant and I was an idiot! I didn’t understand not having sex for 18 years then an awesome 4 months of sex every 3-5 days then the spicket was shut off. I admit I was a horrible partner and fights were very prevalent, almost daily I believe. Then after almost 3 yrs without sex and 7 or 8 months of throwing around the “D” word, I had a 1 night stand. I’m not proud of it but I’ve always felt that it got our attention and jolted us back together. She has thrown it up in my face many many times over the years but now just mentions that I’ve never had to worry about trust with her. She has caught me….flying solo (trying to be as modest at possible) a few times and recently found pics I downloaded on my phone. She says that really hurt her, which I believe that to be true but I’m only human. After the 3 yrs without it happened once a month or 2( hey I was happy with that) until she got pregnant with our 2nd child. Once a gain almost 2 yrs without sex. Then 3rd child. Once again 22 months. In the last 5 years we’ve had sex 4 times and we’re knocking on another 2 yr anniversary without it. I’ve tried counseling after the affair, solo and a few months ago tried to go see a marriage counselor and she won’t go. I’m at my wits end and not only is my family suffering, my business is too. I told her if we fixed that part of our relationship I would make sales and she said that makes her feel like a prostitute. I love my kids more than life it self and it pains me to even think about not living under the same roof as them and not to see my babies when they first wake up. And God has placed a special love for my wife in me to where all she has to do is bat her eyes at me and I’m a kid in love again. I’m dying inside and I can’t catch my breath. I have learned to cope as if I was in an accident and a part of me is paralyzed but the bitterness and resentment is starting to build beyond my control at times. Let me end by saying I’ve never said it has all been her. I was a childish immature brat before and the first few years but now I just miss being happy.
Thanks for reading my 2 cents
Josh,
I answered the similar comment you made on “We Haven’t Had Sex In Over a year” You can find that here: http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/07/we-havent-had-sex-in-over-year.html#comment-18995
I feel the need to respond to Tom’s comment as his post was written after mine, whilst it may not have been directed solely at me, I feel the need to both agree with Tom and explain myself at the same time
Early last year, after the birth of our 2nd child my husband and I continued to be intimate (albeit seldom due to sleep deprivation, but it was still happening). When our child was about 4mths old, I lost a lot of weight very quickly in an effort to be more attractive for my husband. Then without warning sex stopped altogether. As mentioned in my earlier comment, I didn’t know why and became increasingly more desperate and lonely. Instead of expressing how hurt I was, I just got angry and started to resent my husband for not being an emotional (and physical) support for me at such a critical time in our lives. When he walked in the door after work, I let him have it!
After attempting to discuss his distance with me for the umpteenth time, we had a very rare heated argument. He said it all started when I lost weight, that I’d gone from a healthy, breast feeding mother to a skinny bag of bones and he was extremely turned off. He admitted it was probably that which created the gap between us, but my treatment of him in the months that followed only widened the gap.
After we’d calmed down, he very gently explained how I had been treating him and gave specific examples. He said he understood why I would have been hurt from his rejection but I had to put that behind me because there is no way we could move forward if I kept treating him the way I was. I was shocked and so very ashamed, I changed that instant.
Weeks went by and he shared that he could see I was really trying and it was making him feel guilty as he knew I needed more from him but he wasn’t giving it. We were intimate a couple of times but there wasn’t a lot of emotion in it (for either of us).
More time goes by, more conversations had. Nothing. It was very difficult to put the pain of rejection behind me when it was still happening. I was stuck, I was in terrible pain but couldn’t really discuss it with the one person I should have been able to because I was supposed to be putting it behind me…
Then I found this blog, I didn’t mention any of this before as it had been dealt with so I was still at a loss as to what the problem was and still in so much pain.
I have spoken to (emailed) Kate privately about other potential issues, which has helped immensely but it really wasn’t until I started to pray every day (since emailing Kate) that things have started to change in our relationship. I have just been praying for and loving my husband and YES we’ve had sex this year and it was lovely! We are connecting again, we are laughing together and teasing each other. I’ve put weight on and have been getting squeezed and complimented again! It is slow progress, but it’s progress!
To Tom I’d really encourage you to give the hurt you are so obviously feeling to Jesus, forgive your wife, pray for her and gently discuss with her how she is treating you and what it is doing to you (both).
I believe if I hadn’t found this blog and hadn’t been reminded to start praying daily, I’d still be in a world of hurt.
Apologies for the novel!
Thanks so much for sharing, Diane! You are a true testament that prayer is the 1st and best way to go-always. Not that other areas should be neglected, but prayer is a must! Keep praying, friend! I am praying with you! Blessings, Kate
My dear I am 70. I pray daily that my husband will desire me again. Our sex lives ended a number of years ago. The pain and sense of rejection are sometimes overwhelming. Would I leave him — not on your life. We made a covenant 48 years ago and I will with God’s help continue in that covenant/
Hi Amita! Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for where you and your hubby are. Yet at the same time, I appreciate your devotion. The best thing I can say is to keep seeking to draw closer to God yourself and keep getting on your knees and praying for your hubby. It is never a lost cause. God can change even the hardest of hearts. Know that you are not alone out there. Praying for you right now! Kate
I have been married for 26 year’s and in the last 7 ,my wife has stop sex, kissing me ,being alone with me, there is no us , she cant look me in the eyes and say she loves me ,she won’t talk to me about what’s wrong ,she puts everybody before me, she said she love me, but where is the love ,and I can’t begin to tell you how I feel mentally ,emotionally, rejection spritely , I am lost thanks
Hi Rick! Thanks for writing and sharing where you are. My heart breaks for you and your wife. I can completely understand that you feel rejected in all ways. But Jesus loves you and will never stop. I know in this time that may not be what you want to hear, and yet your identity is found in Him and Him alone. That does not mean that we don’t want deeply to have the marriage God designs. And when it is not working, we are deeply sad and distraught. But please rest in God’s love, because peace that surpassing all understanding is there!
Do you have any idea of what changed 7 years ago? Have you tried to talk to her about it? Suggested that you find a third party to help the both of you through this? I am sure you have done some if not all of this. Have you shared your heart and desire to see your marriage heal and be restored?
Please know that you are not alone, Rick and that I am praying for you right now! Hold on to the hope of Jesus, it will never fail you, even if all else around you does. Blessings, Kate
I’ve read a lot of comments and I will still apply some, like praying for my husband. My case has never been discussed exactly. I’m a very sexual person and in our years of dating, we made love every blessed day for almost eighteen months. But from the time we got married, it ceased like automatically. Talking about sex became immoral and dirty. Claimed I liked sex too much and he was trying to reduce my libido. So we could have sex like twice a year. To God be the Glory, I have four adorable children who keep my sanity. Right now, for six years going, there has been no sex at all. I have talked, cried, spoken with pastors and my husband comes up with only one excuse, that I have a spiritual husband . What a laugh! Funny thing is that we are like best friends, we gist a lot together, hang out with each other, we’re each other confidant , we crack loads of jokes together and people use us as role models . They assume we’re very sexual cos we hold hands and peck in public but the moment we get indoors, we’re brother/ sister. I am so tired of this problem, I want to run away. I’ve turned to CIA,FBI etc yet no trace of cheating. I’ve asked him to tell me if he’s ill
I know this is an old post but I am just at breaking point. I know some of you have gone much longer than I without lovemaking and I’m sorry you have, though for me, these 3 months are turning into heartbreak and loneliness on all levels.
I’ve prayer hard all year, changed myself, fasted, sought Godly advice from reputable sites like this one. I’ve thrown myself on the marriage bed and with tears literally cried out to God for a change in our intimacy.
What happens? Nothing. In fact, things get worse. Any sexual interest my wife had goes out the window. Earlier this year she tells me that she can’t meet my needs and I should get it somewhere else. Hurt point. How would you like your spouse saying that?
Then after all this hard praying and seeking God, I get a sudden relapse of a medical condition. That has sidelined intimacy for at least the last month, on top of the previous one. No one wants to make make love to someone with problems do they! We didn’t even get intimate for our anniversary or haven’t made an attempt to.
Yes I know it’s hard with the kids, me not being great, and both being very tired. But for goodness sake, can’t God intervene and save me from the point of a breakdown? I’ve prayed so so so hard yet it has just got worse. I am out of hoping that things are going to be sweet and rosy. I almost broke down crying when I was on my lunch time walk. If God doesn’t test us beyond what we can bear then I don’t know what this is; does that take into account the disobedience of our spouse?
You can’t offer me advice I haven’t heard or put into practice. Yes of course I can keep praying but to be honest that phrase doesn’t offer much joy right now. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, just it doesn’t bring waves of faith.
So it’s not just the length of time; it’s that my wife isn’t interested and thinks I should go somewhere else, and I’ve ripped open my heart to God in pray, and things have just gotten worse, and that’s why I feel like I’m about to collapse inside.