Kate says . . .
We often find that when we write about one side of the issue of low sexual desire in marriage, as Brad did in his post, The Sexless Marriage Catch 22, those who find themselves on the other side comment and ask questions. In order to understand low sexual desire it is important to always remember that both husbands and wives can and do suffer from this. It is definitely not exclusively a woman or wife issue. Just as both women and men are vastly different in many ways, so can the reasons be for low sexual desire in marriage. Brad talked about wives who are not having sex, today I want to address some hang-ups when it is the husband who is not having sexual intimacy in their marriage. Lack of sex in marriage is a real issue for the wives married to these men.
“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT)
The reason for Paul’s abundant clarity in this message is probably because sexless marriages were an issue even back when he with writing. Paul says it as clear as possible; “If you stop having sex, make it only for a short period of time.”
Wife’s Sexual Desire Trap
In our current culture it is accepted and even expected that women are the ones who struggle most with low sexual desire. This is not true and within this deception starts the sexual trap. Husband’s who are not having sex with their wives have been fed and accepted a lie that because women generally want sex less, they will be ok without it. Wives continue this trap by neglecting to talk about their needs and desires. They also accept the lie and think that they are somehow dirty or wrong if they want to have sex more than their husband.
When a husband goes without God’s design for sex in his marriage he is being opened up to a lot of temptation. The same is very true of a wife who is suffering in silence without the deep connection that sex brings both physically, emotionally and spiritually. When a husband believes that his wife is fine, and even happy without sex, he drives a huge wedge of rejection and resentment into the marriage. That rejection and “despair” as many wives describe, opens the door to temptation. A temptation to seek connection, acceptance and release elsewhere and the enticement to get lost in fantasies, view pornography, or enter into an affair is just as real for a wife going without sex as it is for a husband.
Why Doesn’t My Husband Like Sex
- Low levels of testosterone
- Problems with or fears of premature ejaculation
- He may be taking a medication which has lowered his sex drive
- He has learned to feel shameful about sex
- He has effects from past sexual abuse
- Anxiety about impotence
- Anxiety about causing pregnancy
- Pornography use/addiction
- Involved in an affair
This is a list of some of the reasons why your hubby is uninterested in sex. There may be other reason as well, but getting to the bottom of what is causing your hubby to feel this way is essential to healing. While many times it seems that pointing fingers will get your hubby back on the right path, it usually sends them deeper into a tail spin. Resist the urge to point fingers.
Share Your Heart
I have many women contact me and ask “what do I do?” This is such a tough question and I very much wish there was an easy answer. Every marriage is different and there is no absolute answer. There are a few things I consistently recommend:
Pray for Your Husband
One of the toughest things to do in life is pray for those who have hurt you or who you are angry with. If we do pray for them, we tend to share with God a list of all the things they need to do differently. Believe me, I have been there too. Yet, if we focus our prayers in a different direction, I believe it sets our hearts in a different-much better place. Would marriage without sex still be hard? Yup! I am not going to lie to you. Times may still be tough, but your heart and your focus will be centered on God! Pray that your husband would be blessed. Pray that God would show you ways to love your husband in ways that has no bounds. Pray! Even when it is the last thing in the world you want to do!
Share How You Feel
Instead of pointing fingers and casting blame, share how you feel how you want great things for your marriage. You need to break the trap by letting your husband know that you have a deep hurt, and longing to be intimately connected to your husband. Share how you want to help your hubby through whatever is going on. Share how much he means to you and how much you value time with him, both Sexual and non-sexual time. Wives, your hubby struggling with low sexual desire needs to know that he is loved in other ways than merely sexually. It may sound all wrong because he is a guy, but I assure you it is critically important.
Love and Respect Your Husband
Love your husband! This may be one of the toughest pills to swallow, but we tell husband’s who have wives with low sexual desire, to keep loving and serving her as Christ calls him to do. You are called to love your husband and respect your husband, even if he is not meeting his end of the bargain!
Is he sinning when he is refusing to answer God’s call for sex in the marriage bed? YES! We believe he is because of what God’s word says about the importance of sex in marriage. Please don’t misunderstand me, life without sexual connection with your husband feels like desertion and you have every right to feel this way. However, how you handle that emotion, and how you lift up your husband is what God is interested in. Seek to love and respect your husband always!
Seek Third Party Help
Share with your husband your need to talk to someone about your marriage and sex life. Understand that you are most likely going to meet resistance. Many of you have expressed that this is NOT something your hubby would be willing to do. To that I say, make sure you ask, and it isn’t just your fears speaking. You may just be surprised.
The true goal is to get to the root of the issues and find healing. As our wise blogger friend, Stu Gray said in his post Help Each Other Up, it has to be you and your hubby against the “challenge” not you against your hubby! If you battle together against whatever is causing your husband’s low desire, you have opened up for God to work within your one flesh connection.
I would love to hear from wives who are on the other side of this challenge. It can be a source of great encouragement! Share with us in the comment section, how you and your hubby overcame his low sexual desire struggles.