Kate says . . .
How many of you ladies can remember an occasion where your hubby was hinting at sex and you were thinking, “ I am so not in the mood”? Even so you made an effort and somewhere in the middle you felt a desire and were ALL in the mood. I know that I have been there enough times to remind myself now, that while I may not be in the mood at the moment, if I spend time with my hubby, I often have the desire to be with him.
Delayed desire is very common in women and normal for those who experience it. God has designed our mind to respond with desire after arousal! Why? (you may ask in frustration) It is completely understandable to ask why, yet while we may not completely understand God’s design we know it is good! As a young wife, I used to think that I just didn’t have any sexual desire. I struggled mentally and I bottled up my struggle. As a young husband, Brad had no idea why things were this way.
I remember thinking, once we get into it, I enjoy sex, but was never able to make the connection. I also struggled with low desire that we now know was caused by oral contraceptives. All of these variables, and our ignorance to them, caused many years of confusion, sadness and hurt which was only compounded by bad communication. If you have been in this place like us, then you know how it feels. Understanding your body and mind the way God designed them is so important. So if you are one of the wives out there like me who was not in the mood, but once things started-things changed, then here are 5 tips to keep in mind.
Give yourself time
When your hubby winks at you and you know he does not have dirt in it, stop and remind yourself that you do enjoy sex, once you get started. It is ok to need time to get things going. Express to your hubby that you would enjoy being together, but you are going to need to take things slow. As you become more accustomed to this and to how your body responds, you may very well end up with desire sooner. Our bodies are creatures of habit.
Make sex a priority
When we are “practicing” often, our body is in tune with arousal and desire. When we have turned off those things for a great length of time it can be more difficult to get them going again. Learning this cycle helped me more then anything else. I learned that if I kept sex a priority desire came much easier, sometimes even before arousal.
Mentally preparing for sex
Another things that has helped is thinking about that special time throughout the day. When we are thinking about work, kids, laundry, dinner and a little sleep all day, it is hard to mentally shift to sex. This is not to surprising, I think every wife has experienced this at some point. So if we make an effort to put sex with our hubby in those thoughts daily, it will help us with the shift.
Don’t Hide Behind Arousal
If you have discovered that you have delayed desire don’t allow yourself to hide behind it! You have a choice, to use what you know to move forward in your one flesh connection or to keep telling yourself you don’t have the desire. While it may be easier to sit and read that book or watch that TV show, neither of those are going to bless your marriage the way sex can. God designed sex that way, because he knew it was the one thing that was reserved solely for marriage. God designed it to be the glue in ways we cannot fathom. All good things in life take effort.
Use what you know
You now understand better how you work, so what a better way to test that then to bless your hubby by inciting sex with him. If you know that your desire will come after we experience arousal, why not seek out your hubby! This is an incredible way to bless your hubby and speak volumes of how you prioritize sex in your marriage.
I would love to hear from other wives if you have found this to be true for you as well. How have you worked through this challenge of sorts? Are there other tips that you can share with our readers that will help them?
Thank you for writing this Kate!
From a guy’s perspective … it feels like the book, tv show, crossword puzzle, or whatever it is that needs to be completed first takes priority over sex. It now feels like she is keeping busy until she knows im going to be asleep so she does not have to say “no” to me but still does not have to do it. Its gotten to a point where I dont ask anymore … whats the point?
Sorry for the vent … but I get so frustrated. I pray that this post blesses some of the wives out there and they begin to see sex as something to be pursued, not avoided.
And husbands … don’t show this post to your wife, because if you do she will just think you are putting more pressure on her and pull further away. (I speak from experience from sharing similar articles) It will only mean something to her if she finds it herself.
Hi Another Husband! Thanks for sharing! You are not alone in this, there are many marriages that are expereincing these struggle as well. I wish that I had an easy answer . . . just keep seeking God and doing what he leads you to do. I know that sounds cliche and lame, but it is the only way to go!
You are so right about not showing these types of posts to your spouse. If they are struggling, they will do best to find these types of things on their own. Otherwise they get defensive and there is no benefit!
Please know that we are praying for you and your wife! Blessings, Kate
Another thing that could be keeping women’s desire at bay is low testosterone. With a simple blood test you can determine where your hormone levels are. I have been married over 20 years and have struggled with low libedo my whole marriage. With some gentle suggesting I finally took my friend’s advice and had my levels checked. My level of testosterone were barely even registering! I am now looking into bioidentical hormone replacement to bring my levels into a normal range 80-100. I hope that this information might benefit others who don’t even know that hormonal issues could be part of the problem.
Hi Redeemed by Grace! You are so right! Levels of both testosterone and estrogen can greatly affect a women’s level of desire. If you find that you struggle, it is a good idea to get these levels checked regardless. It certainly cannot hurt. Thank you for sharing your story as it will help others to step out and get their levels checked. Blessings to you and your husband! Kate
if contraceptives are a problem, i think more women should be aware of programs like fertilitycare! no woman should have to make the decision between “risking” pregnancy and taking hormonal or other types of birth control. fertilitycare is a one time cost that lasts for the rest of your life! it not only tracks your fertility, but it also gives you a way to pay attention to your health by watching your normal cycle.
its been amazing for us. and though it sounds weird to have to avoid having sex on certain days, it actually enhances our lives because we have to do other things on days we have to avoid, such as snuggle or just simply be together without the pressure for sex. 
:) its truly a couple friendly way to live, and its been amazing for my husband and so many others. if you guys havent heard of this, really, check it out!
Hi Erika! Thanks for sharing what you have learned! I have talked about my struggle with oral contraceptives before and will do so more in the future. Every young married women I talk to these days I share my struggle and what we have learned with them. I wish I had, had another women who knew about different forms of birth control and was willing to share. Being informed and making a decision together is best! So glad you shared! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
Can you reference the things you’ve said about contraceptives before? My wife and I are struggling with this issue (desire and affection) and I am convinced (hopeful?) it’s tied to her birth control, but we are not ready for more kids (2 now). We are investigating options and trying to determine what else we could do.
Hi Tony! Thanks for writing! I realize I have made several comments to the affects of birth control on my libido and I think it would make a great post within itself. But to answer your question, we did not realize that it was affecting me until I was pregnant for the first time! It was like a night and day difference. After that we were hesitant to use oral cntraceptives again, but did so knowing that they affected me and hoping mentally we could tackle that. It actually was a lot better just knowing. Made me feel more normal and made Brad feel like less awful about the situation. We were not good at finding out good info. If we had to do it over again, we would do counting your cycle, which is natural family planning-but they advice abstaining during ovulation. Yet that is the time most women desire sex the most, so we would have done condoms during that time. There is no reason to stop having sex, but a time where unprotected is going to lead to more babies! So that is what we would have done. Yet there are other things you can consider. Also, when we knew we were done with biological children we made things permanant-I know some don’t agree with this, but it has been a great decision for us and we have not had to worry either way! Thanks for asking and look for a post soon! Also you may want to check out The Marriage Bed’s info on birth control-we send lots of people there-great information! Blessings, Kate
Fabulous post! Well put.
Thanks J!
I can totally relate to this..I am thinking my issue is partly hormonal and partly mental and relational. My husband doesn’t pursue me the way he used to and that is one thing that increases my desire… not just hinting at sex or a remark about it in passing. I need that foreplay before we ever hit the bedroom. I have often pursued him to meet his need and don’t feel like it is reciprocated…
Hi Sarah! Thanks for writing and sharing where you are. You are very right that hormonal may have a part in all of it. It is always a good idea to get your levels checked with your doctor. For me there was a huge mental block too. I had to retrain my thoughts, so that I was not always saying no. It was tough at times, but after awhile it got much better.
You are also right that when our hubby’s don’t pursue us, or they pursue us in ways that are (to us) “locker room” style, “hey babe . . . ” we feel less then cherished. For us sex is closely related to feeling cherished and cared for in every other way. In the same respect sex for our hubby’s makes them feel cherished. So when you struggle with desire, our hubby’s struggle with feeling desired by us as well. I have been there with you! Keep praying and seek ways to find answers for your low desire! Know that you are not alone and that I am praying for you! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
SO, SO TRUE, Kate! Great article. I think too often women assume that we should function like men: that we should want sex FIRST, and if we’re not aroused, we’re therefore not in the mood, and to jump in bed would somehow be lying. But often it just takes a flip of our attitude and our bodies do eventually catch up.
I have a funny video where I explain this phenomenon here: http://youtu.be/GRopr70xPII
Thanks Sheila! Love your videos!
Kate
Great post, Kate! During those times when I’m just not ‘into it’, I have to choose to say YES. But, this is when all other factors are positive; hormones are in balance, husband who is really trying to connect emotionally.
I know this isn’t an option for everyone, but when my hubby chose to have a vasectomy, things got a whole lot better. No more oral contraceptives or worry about a little surprise blessing.
Hi Pearl! Thanks for sharing! And YES to the vasectomy-we had one and have not looked back since! It has been great for us as soon as we knew for sure we were done with biological kids! Blessings, Kate
Been married 25 years. First thing to ask is how is the emotional intimacy first. Sexual issues often begin in the friendship part of the marriage. Our kids are almost all out of the house now. Things have never been better because we deal with the stress first. If the relationship is okay and there are still issues, examining our attitudes toward why God gave us sex is a start. I highly recommend a book called Friends and Lovers: by Dr. Joel Beeke
. A short read, but very good.
Oh my goodness Kate, was just sitting with a group of women and this was their number one sexual issue! I am sending this post out to many. You relate to us so honestly and simply. THANK YOU!
Great post! I wish I had known this years ago – I don’t remember this ever being discussed amongst my friends at all. It seems like the culture (e.g. Cosmo) teaches us that we should be like men in terms of our arousal, and if we aren’t, we are frigid and there’s something wrong with us. At least that’s the message I internalized. It’s wonderful that you and the other marriage bloggers are getting the truth out there. Thanks so much!
Hi Meghan! I too wish that I had known this in the beginning and has someone who was willing to share with me, this bit of info! I think many women do think something is wrong with them, or they think that sex is like this for women! Thanks for sharing, it is our readers who are willing to share parts of their story, that help also to get this info out there! Blessings, Kate
Excellent post, Kate. You have no idea how many marriages are going to be strengthened as a result of your honest and helpful approach to this widespread issue.
Blessings!
Thanks, Debi! Hugs!
Kate
[...] post, “Defeating Delayed Desire” does a great job raising a very important issue that most women are never taught. Women do not [...]
Way awesome post, I was very blessed to have a very dear friend tell me about this before my wedding. This is very much true, I can say from personal experience.
Hi Lady in waiting Elizabth! Thanks! I am so exicted to hear that someone was willing to share with you! Perhaps you will find opportunities to bless other women with the same info before they get married! What a blessing we all can be to future wives! Blessings, Kate
Kate – I love the term “delayed desire” – it describes the “condition” so well. Is this your term?
Actually Paul, my hubby came up with that one! We tossed around a few ideas and nothing sounded quite right or catchy! So it is original, but free for the taking!
[...] Flesh Marriage Here’s a great post from Kate to wives called Defeating Delayed Desire. Kate and her husband Brad blog on this site and it’s the first marriage blog I started [...]
Hi Kate,
The fact of the matter is that copulation has been “forced upon humans, in order for them to perpetuate the species”.
Copulation (for both men and women), was not designed to “satisfy the genders”, but was, is and will continue to ensure that there are plenty of more humans on this already-overcrowded planet.
Life is “a game”. Those who “allow themselves to be toyed-with”, will suffer both physiological and phychological pain.
Thank you for reading this comment.
Peter,
I appreciate your comment, but I disagree with your views. I’m not sure if they come from a place of wounding and pain, or an agnostic world view. Either way, I believe that the God of the universe our creator loves us. He designed love, marriage and sex to be good! The intimacy he designed for marriage has been tainted, twisted, and manipulated by sin, but at its core is still a good and Godly reflection of his love for us!
I earnestly believe that we can learn so much about how God loves us, by experiencing the love as he designed in marriage.
My wife has been working on this for the last couple of years. It keeps getting interrupted by pregnancies though. She knows she’ll enjoy herself once she gets going, it’s just “letting go” at the beginning that seems to take a lot of effort. Of course, that makes no sense to me, because “letting go” should take no effort…
Jay Dee,
Thanks for your comment! Life often has a way of throwing wrenches in things we are learning! Pregnancy changes the dynamics of your sexual intimacy quite a bit! (both during and after!)
You are on the right track in understanding where she is coming from and that you are designed differently and will experience sexual intimacy differently too! Keep working together and keep communicating!