The Elusive Orgasm

Kate says . . .

News Flash:  ALL marriages deal with sexual intimacy issues!

I know this is probably not news to you, because if you are married you have already discovered this reality!  Let me be the first to say, it is normal and does not have to be a negative.  We all will have challenges where sex and intimacy is concerned.  It is how we communicate and are intentional about dealing with those issues that matters.  Brad shared in his last post “Ready–Fire–Aim the Plight of Premature Ejaculation” about some physical issues that men can experience during sex with their wives.

The one thing that I hear over and over from wives is frustration at not being able to climax during penetration.  There is a great amount of misconceptions surrounding a female orgasm and what it takes to achieve one.  The media has also sold us wives a story, that wives and husbands will roll around having sex and all will work just perfectly!  I know that I was under this misconception as a young bride.  This is simply not true.  Sex and achieving orgasms for women has a much broader picture then what most women have in their minds.  To help you understand what I mean, I want to share a story.

When we had our first baby, I was determined to nurse!  I assumed that while it might hurt, it was natural and therefore would happen naturally.  Maybe some of you ladies out there you had no breastfeeding hurdles to get over, but it was not for this way for me and our son!  There were many issues and I will spare you the gory details, but I will tell you that our son had to go back to the hospital because he had lost too much weight and was dehydrated.  So nursing was not working as easily as I thought.  After getting some education and some help, I had a much better understanding of what I needed to do and how I needed to encourage our son.  The instincts for both of us came naturally, yet the techniques did not.

For us wives, the instincts to share sex and oneness with our hubby is there, but the techniques are not always something we are familiar with.  I was once speaking to a mom’s group on sex in marriage and one lady said (with a chuckle), “Well we are all moms’, so obviously we have figured it (sex) out.”   I chuckled as well, but honestly challenged that just because you have been able to conceive a baby does not mean you have understood God’s full design for sex-which is great enjoyment and oneness with your hubby.  Sex is intended for your mutual pleasure and exploration.

Here are 4 common misconceptions about women’s orgasms . . .

Myth: Having an orgasm and penetration should always go together.

Myth: If you have difficulty orgasming you will never be able to have an orgasm through penetration.

Myth:  women shouldn’t need an orgasm every time.

Myth: It is too much work and a lot to ask for my hubby to stimulate me in other ways.

First there are two types of orgasms, that a wife can have.  An orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris and an orgasm through stimulation of the G-spot.   The most common orgasm that a wife experiences is through the clitoris.  So for today I will be speaking about the clitoral stimulation and orgasm.

If at first you don’t succeed-try, try, again!

If you find that you are not reaching climax through penetration alone, keep trying.  Don’t be discouraged.  Try again.  Every man and every woman is physically different, but the good news is you two have a lifetime to have fun figuring it all out.

Try different positions

God designed sex and our bodies to move and feel good during sex.  Explore and find different ways to stimulate.  Move around and enjoy the process!

Stimulate in other ways

If you have tried and tried and penetration is simply not enough, allow and invite your hubby to use his hand to explore and stimulate. This might be a new experience for both of you, but rather than looking up any diagrams I suggest that you have him slowly touch you while you tell him what motions, locations, speed and pressure feel good to you. Take your time and you will discover together what works wonders for your body.

Enjoy the process of figuring it all out

The point is to discover together how sex is going to work.  It should not look like a movie or what they say in the latest magazine.  It should be how you and your husband bring each other joy, together.  Exploring, communicating, enjoying, letting down your guard together.  Sex is not easy in many ways, but when you find how it will work for you and your hubby, it will bless you in unimaginable ways.

My thoughts on . . . Since God designed our bodies to need different stimulation for climax, we are not guaranteed an orgasm every time and wives should be ok with that.

To this I say, no and yes!  No, we don’t have to have one every time and sometimes during “quickies” I think it is ok, as long as it is decided by both partners to be so.  On the whole, I think sex should be both of you experiencing climax, in whatever way works for your one flesh connection.  If you have allowed it to become the norm, that you don’t climax, I challenge that is not how God intended for sex to be.  I believe sex without mutual orgasm can lead to emotional, physical and spiritual disconnection between you and your hubby.  It is not too hard or too much to want your hubby to give you the stimulation you need to have an orgasm.  This is part of sex and if it does not happen through penetration, then you need to find other ways.  Sex is about pleasing and enjoying each other in the act of becoming one flesh.  Keep that as your focus and I believe each of you will want to make sure the other comes to climax.

 

Remember:

Did you ever have any other misconceptions about women’s orgasms? Let us know in the comments! I’ll guess you aren’t the only one!

33 Responses to The Elusive Orgasm
  1. Anonymous
    May 23, 2012 | 8:49 am

    Great article, good reminders. I will have to say that I do feel bad, or guilty whichever is the right word for making my husband work extra to get me to climax. He never complains and when I ask him if it bothers him he says no, it’s fine. So why do I have such a hard time believing he’s ok with the extra work? I think I’m just a people pleaser so getting things done for me just seems hard to accept. Something I need to work on

    • Kate
      May 23, 2012 | 1:46 pm

      Hi Anonymous! Thanks for sharing! I totally understand your feeling guilty sometimes, I have been there too-especially if it takes awhile. ;) Yet that is how God designed it and how he wants us to be attentive to each other! Think about it, if it only took 2-5 minutes each time, we would never spend “time” together, we would just have sex and move on. God designed one of us to slow things up a bit and while that seems like a burden to us, it is a good thing. Take that time to enjoy and explore your hubby as well! I hear you on the people pleaser as well, I am one too! Just remember to please him and that is by wanting him to please you! Thanks again for sharing! Blessing, Kate

  2. MS
    May 23, 2012 | 12:10 pm

    What kind of man would NOT want to see his wife experience that kind of pleasure?!? And know that HE is the one to give that to her? I think the underlying issue in a situation where the husband does not want to go to the extra effort to make it ‘happen’ for his wife is: Selfishness. I would think that sex is only ONE of many issues that type of marriage. But I’m no expert… :)

    • Kate
      May 23, 2012 | 1:50 pm

      Hi MS! Thanks for writing and sharing! There are some men out there who struggle with selfishness in this area like you have described! Yet I think many times it is the wife discourages her hubby from brining her to climax. She does this repeatedly and eventually he just doesn’t even ask anymore. No one likes to ask things repeatedly during sex and have them meet resistance. So I think this many be more of the issue then the men being selfish, although I am sure there is some of that too! You are also right that there may be other issues within their marriage as well. Yet sometimes people have a good marriage, but struggle with sex and are not sure how to move forward! Regardless, communication and determination to work on this together is a huge key! Thanks for sharing and blessings to you! Kate

  3. Nicole G
    May 23, 2012 | 1:13 pm

    Great post, Kate. Us wives need to remember that it can be equally important to our husbands that we climax! It helps them feel like they succeeded!! :)

    • Kate
      May 23, 2012 | 1:52 pm

      Thanks Nicole! They definitely need to feel like they have been successful in pleasing us! It is a huge turn on for them, it makes them feel like men and it helps them to bond with us, knowing our likes! Great point! Blessings to you! Kate

  4. Paul Byerly
    May 23, 2012 | 4:56 pm

    I’d offer one warning on behalf of women. Some women sometimes don’t want to climax. If this is the case and hubby refuses to stop till she climaxes, that can become a problem. We’ve talked to women who say they would have sex much more often if occasionally not climaxing were an option.

    Of course some women do want it every time, and if that is the case then he needs to be dedicated to whatever it takes.

    I figure both husband and wife should have all the climaxes then want, but never feel pressured to have more than they want.

    • Kate
      May 24, 2012 | 9:08 am

      Hey Paul! I agree with you that there might be times a women does not want to climax and that is ok. On the other hand, I think that if this is the case repeatedly or all the time, a couple needs to exam how God designed us and what the bigger picture of oneness is. I think your word occassionally is the key! Not sure about you, but we have had quite a few women write us and say that they don’t climax pretty much all of the time, because it is too much to ask of their husbands. There are many different stories of how they got to that point, yet I think this as a pattern is telling of one person just just showing up physically. It may just be the way I approach understanding and defining intimacy. Not sure. Thanks Paul!

  5. Megan@DoNotDisturb
    May 25, 2012 | 10:13 am

    Thank you for encouraging husbands and wives towards physical, emotional and spiritual oneness. I think that when it comes to sex so many couples don’t understand why it is so important and how it can help us feel connected in so many other ways. I love what you wrote in the comments,”God designed one of us to slow things up a bit and while that seems like a burden to us, it is a good thing.” Whether it is just one of us or spending time on the act of sex itself, it is important to not see it as a waste of time but time spent on the most important relationship we have. Thanks for the conversation.

    Megan

    • Kate
      May 29, 2012 | 8:29 pm

      Thanks Megan! I appreciate your thoughts and sharing! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  6. […] a comment on her recent blog post about The Elusive Orgasm Kate of One Flesh Marriage had this to say about taking our time during sex: “Think about it, […]

  7. Megan@DoNotDisturb
    May 31, 2012 | 6:49 am

    Just used a quote from your comment in this post Kate. Thanks for the great insight.

    Megan

  8. Thismarrieddude
    May 31, 2012 | 5:19 pm

    Gosh I wish my wife would read your blog and blogs like yours. She is so turned off to the idea of fix exploration when it comes to sex. It has been an area of strife in our marriage for the past year. We finally agreed to just set a sex schedule so I would stop wondering if we were going to have sex tonight and she would stop “being annoyed” by my attempts to initiate. I have a much higher sex drive than my wife so our schedule is bare minimum for me, but more than she would ever want. She doesn’t seem to see it as the fun that it should be. I have admittedly pushed the issue a bit too much in the past year, but it has just really dropped off, when in the past it was much more frequent and exciting. We have tried to discuss it in a calm mature manner, but it always ends in a fight. She refuses to read blogs like this because she says I am putting TOO MUCH emphasis on sex in our marriage. Anyways…I guess I just needed to vent.

    • Brad
      May 31, 2012 | 10:06 pm

      Thismarrieddude,
      Thanks for your vent! One of the blessings of our blog is that we always try to challenge each person to be the change they want to see in their marriage. So while your wife might benefit from reading some of the info, I really believe that you can find some things to work on too!

      Think about ways that you can really speak her love language. Ways that you can increase other types of intimacy, spiritual intimacy most of all!

      Also, your brief words about “it has really dropped off” make me wonder what has changed. There might even be a subtle change that has unintended consequences in lowering her sex drive, like a different type of birth control for instance.

      Keep working on being the change you can be, and praying for God to open her to sexual intimacy!
      Blessings!

  9. Jay
    June 7, 2012 | 3:32 pm

    Truly great article and discussion. My wife and I have re-entered intimacy after a very long period of inactivity recently. Both before and after this break, she found many of my ‘tricks’ re: helping her achieve orgasm to be unbearably ticklish. Not to get too technical, but is this at all common?

    Again, nice work…

    • ps
      June 9, 2012 | 3:51 pm

      Yes, this is common, and called the “dusty vagina syndrome”.

    • Kate
      June 13, 2012 | 4:43 pm

      Hi Jay! Being a women, I think that anything like this is normal and I would imagine more common then you think. Sometimes things can be ticklish in the beginning and even sometimes during. I would suggest exploring with your wife, using more pressure. Be open and talk about it, what feels good and what does not. She also may be nervous and wanting to have a great sexual experience with you. If it continues, I would consult the gynocologist that you see. There is nothing wrong with seeking medical advice and no shame in it. Your oneness and intimacy is worth every uncomfortable moment! Blessings to you and your wife, Kate

  10. Stephanie
    June 7, 2012 | 4:31 pm

    Your words are very encouraging but yet I’m disappointed knowing that I’m missing out. Simply put…..my husband is VERY selfish when it comes to sex and I’m so tired of it.I have a very high sex drive and he don’t satisfy it. And when he does want to, it’s all about him.

    • Kate
      June 13, 2012 | 8:54 pm

      Hi Stephanie! Thanks for writing and sharing. I am sad to hear that your hubby is stuck in his own selfishness where sex and intimacy is concerned. Don’t give up and keep praying that God will speak into each of your hearts, what he wants of each of you as husband and wife. It is so hard to be a giving individual, when you feel as though you are not given to on the other end. God can be all that you need in that gap, even though it feels as if nothing can fill that need. Reach out to Him in your times of need! Please know that you are not alone and that we are praying for you! Blessings, Kate

  11. Jay Dee
    June 7, 2012 | 6:33 pm

    It has always been my goal to get my wife at least one orgasm per encounter. For a long time while I was having ED and DE issues, she would get one and I wouldn’t.

    In the past, my wife has been the selfish one about orgasms. It’s changing, but unfortunately, the effect of this is that I am solely responsible for my own orgasms. She has been unable to get me to orgasm by any means, whether it be her on top, oral or manual sex. But, we’re still trying.

    • Brad
      June 8, 2012 | 2:11 pm

      Jay Dee,
      Thanks for your comment. Delayed Ejaculation is another big and seldom discussed sexual issue that men can wrestle with. Thanks for being brave enough to discuss it! Many men deal with sexual issues, but because they don’t hear other guys talking about it they feel alone and don’t get help!

      There is help and treatment for these issues (that’s a post for another day), So keep working and keep focused on intimacy in your relationship!
      Blessings!

    • Paul Byerly
      June 9, 2012 | 6:28 pm

      Jay Dee – Regarding DE, there is a new study out that seems promising – something to check with your doctor.
      A new option for orgasm problems in men – Harvard Health Publications http://hvrd.me/LywETT

  12. Anonymous
    June 19, 2012 | 8:43 pm

    I just found your blog and was amazed how ‘your story’ sounds familiar. We are only married 4 years and have 2 kids, and I think we are getting to the point where God will be ‘breaking’ both of us and will eventually make our marriage great – but we aren’t there yet. For now, we are still struggling most days and feeling distant, but I sense it coming, and the first thing we need to fix is our sexual intimacy with one another (and our intimacy with God).

    I noted in this article you say, ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try again’. I like how you stress ‘try again and again and again – and enjoy trying’. It sounds right.

    But how long? We’ve been trying to get me (wife) to orgasm since our honeymoon. We’ve gone in and out of giving up because it is just so frustrating to never get anywhere. I’ve pretty much grown to hate sex and just want to get it overwith. I know this is unhealthy, but I don’t know what to do about it.

    I thought I had given up hope – but the more I think about it, the more I feel like somewhere down inside me there is still a sense of ‘maybe I can do it someday’. I really do want to be able to experience it – I feel like if I experience it once, I’ll want to go to the ‘work’ to get it again. But maybe, is it possible, that some women just can’t do it? (I’m guessing this is a lie that Satan keeps getting me to believe.)

    I read other posts that the girl needs to lead the guy and tell him what feels good – but I don’t even know what feels good for me, if anything! Not only do I hate it when he tries to touch my clitoris but I hate touching it too, so obviously I can’t tell him what feels good. It’s very frustrating and stressful to me.

    Thoughts?

  13. Kate
    June 24, 2012 | 5:46 pm

    Hi Anonymous! Thanks for writing and sharing! I cannot imagine how discouraging it must be for you and frustrating.

    As for how long to keep trying, well I would say it is less of how long and more of how to try differently. What do you find to be stimulating? Try different positions for you. I know that I find some to be better then others.

    I also think that you figuring out why you hate your clitoris to be touched is a key. Has there been some trauma in your life? A couple of great friend bloggers recommend trying to stimulate yourself (with your hubby around) and seeing if you can bring yourself to orgasm. If you do not like touching yourself, this will be hard. So diving into why you don’t like your clitoris touched is important. God designed your clitoris only to be stimulated and for pleasure.

    I believe you and your hubby can find a way for you to experience orgasm. I believe GOd wants that for you. As discouraged as you are, I would not give up-God wants this for your one flesh journey.

    Have you ever tried talking with a pastor or a counselor. I know it sounds scary, but they may have some insights that you had not thought about!

    If you would like to talk to us further please email us anytime at onefleshmarriage@gmail.com

    Praying for you and your hubby! Blessings, Kate

  14. Puzzled?
    April 3, 2013 | 4:59 pm

    Is it okay to fantasize while having sex to be able to have an orgasm? Even when both of you know it’s happening. Or…watch pornography together? What does Hebrews 13:4 really mean? Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

    • Brad
      April 4, 2013 | 10:18 am

      Dear Puzzled,
      Thank you for your question and an opportunity to share some other very important information. As we said the most important sexual organ you have is your brain! Your thoughts are powerful and important to consider during sexual intercourse. Negative thoughts can prevent climax for both men and women very quickly. Appropriate, healthy fantasy about your spouse is very positive. Thinking about things they do, or could do to excite you is fine. I would encourage you that you should be able to get to a place where you can actually share these with your spouse, and if there is some reason that you can’t then they might not be healthy.
      Your second question leads to the problem with fantasy. When you introduce pornography into your sexual activities you are fantasizing about another person other then your spouse. While the moment that might feel exciting in the long run that isn’t healthy for your relationship. You are in essence telling yourself and your spouse that “you don’t excite me, I need someone else to do that”. That negative message is going to work against your one flesh connection. I do not think there is any way to have pornography or fantasy of another person in your marriage and have it lead to a healthy connection for the two of you.
      God Bless! Brad

  15. Anon
    May 10, 2013 | 6:39 pm

    Hi,
    Have you ever skipped an orgasm, like built up and everything, but then just missed the climax?
    So it’s not exactly dissatisfying but it’s not as intense as it was going to be. Kind of leaves you confused a bit!

    • Kate
      May 29, 2013 | 3:50 pm

      Hi Anon! Thanks for asking, that is a great question!

      It does leave you confused and yes that has happened to me before. Not too often, but it has happened. It almost feels like it was right there and you blinked and somehow missed it? Right? It is very normal! So no worries there! Was there something else you wanted to know or just if it was normal? Thanks for sharing! Blessings, Kate

      • Anon
        December 3, 2013 | 5:34 pm

        Well Kate, since getting married sex has been difficult. We love each other so much but sex is almost a no go area sometimes. First because I expected something very different, I thought it would hurt once and then be nice afterwards but it’s painful all the time. At first I was so upset about it and thought it to unfair that the women always draw the short straw from periods to childbirth, but now we have decided to be positive about it and work it out but it still hurts when we do, it’s getting less painful. It’s been 5 months now and I still don’t find sex itself feels nice at all.
        We do other things and that’s where I have had orgasms and as above missed orgasms so its not like we completely avoid it but its not easy.

  16. Anon
    December 3, 2013 | 5:37 pm

    I also seem to find things more exciting when it’s forbidden, so imagining that we aren’t married or that we’re strangers. I guess a lot of Christians will find that because sex it portrayed as forbidden fruit often.

  17. Peter Berry
    January 9, 2014 | 7:48 am

    Is there any hope for a man who loses the ability to orgasm? (very little sensation at all in fact). Both doctor and sex therapist have said there is nothing they can do. This is not ED.
    This seems to very little talked about, but has severe relationship impact.

  18. Anonymous A
    March 23, 2014 | 9:18 pm

    As a female who has a patient servant lover husband. We’ve been married for nearly a decade and every attempt to bring me to climax always results in the same ending. My husband stimulates my clitoris in any way he can think of and typically with oral sex I can feel the sensitivity I guess you can say building and building and then it builds to the point that I feel like something is about to happen or “I’m about to go” and then the very next thing happens is I DO NOT GO but instead feel like I can’t be stimulated there anymore. Like it’s too sensitive or ticklish (but not in a pleasurable way) to touch. He’s tried holding me down and continuing to see if it passes. He’s tried stopping and letting it rest so to speak and then going back at it. I’ve tried to make myself climax and my entire life has played out this exact same scenario. I never get the benefit of releasing sexual tension. Instead I get the frustration of building sexual tension yet without release. We’ve tried so many things and exercises I’m not really sure how to get around it or how to not believe I’m just a lemon and my climax is broken. I feel as if maybe this is just how it will always be as it’s always been. A life without orgasm yet this post speaks about how it’s important for both partners to orgasm. If it was only that easy. No I do not have a history of sex abuse or porn issues. I’m in a loving monogamous marriage and happily so. Sex in general has always been the least thrilling or fulfilling part of our marriage and I’m seeking to Christian blogs and advice like these for help since all my gyn will tell me is “more foreplay” to help with my low libido and anorgasmic state. Well 1 hr of “foreplay” should be enough and I’m hoping to find women who experienced this same “I’m about to go” then immediately ticklish or overly sensitive state without the orgasm in between as it should be but overcome it and tell me HOW TO OVERCOME IT! Thanks.

  19. Sammy
    May 4, 2014 | 5:43 am

    Why is there so little said or written about male anorgasmia? This has killed our sex life: I need to continue for such a long time after her (fairly easy orgasm) that she just gets sore. Artificial lubricants dry up, and I just go numb and lose all sensation. The end result is that she just prefers to say no to all that pain and fuss, leaving me to deal with the issue alone (which is no problem by the way). Yet men are supposed to suffer from PE and women from anorgasmia, so we don’t even have the “normal” abnormality; and nothing is said about this issue by therapists. Doctors are clueless; blood test shows no problem.
    This is the death-knell to “one flesh” marriage. It is just too traumatic to even try any more.

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