Kate says . . .
News Flash: ALL marriages deal with sexual intimacy issues!
I know this is probably not news to you, because if you are married you have already discovered this reality! Let me be the first to say, it is normal and does not have to be a negative. We all will have challenges where sex and intimacy is concerned. It is how we communicate and are intentional about dealing with those issues that matters. Brad shared in his last post “Ready–Fire–Aim the Plight of Premature Ejaculation” about some physical issues that men can experience during sex with their wives.
The one thing that I hear over and over from wives is frustration at not being able to climax during penetration. There is a great amount of misconceptions surrounding a female orgasm and what it takes to achieve one. The media has also sold us wives a story, that wives and husbands will roll around having sex and all will work just perfectly! I know that I was under this misconception as a young bride. This is simply not true. Sex and achieving orgasms for women has a much broader picture then what most women have in their minds. To help you understand what I mean, I want to share a story.
When we had our first baby, I was determined to nurse! I assumed that while it might hurt, it was natural and therefore would happen naturally. Maybe some of you ladies out there you had no breastfeeding hurdles to get over, but it was not for this way for me and our son! There were many issues and I will spare you the gory details, but I will tell you that our son had to go back to the hospital because he had lost too much weight and was dehydrated. So nursing was not working as easily as I thought. After getting some education and some help, I had a much better understanding of what I needed to do and how I needed to encourage our son. The instincts for both of us came naturally, yet the techniques did not.
For us wives, the instincts to share sex and oneness with our hubby is there, but the techniques are not always something we are familiar with. I was once speaking to a mom’s group on sex in marriage and one lady said (with a chuckle), “Well we are all moms’, so obviously we have figured it (sex) out.” I chuckled as well, but honestly challenged that just because you have been able to conceive a baby does not mean you have understood God’s full design for sex-which is great enjoyment and oneness with your hubby. Sex is intended for your mutual pleasure and exploration.
Here are 4 common misconceptions about women’s orgasms . . .
Myth: Having an orgasm and penetration should always go together.
Myth: If you have difficulty orgasming you will never be able to have an orgasm through penetration.
Myth: women shouldn’t need an orgasm every time.
Myth: It is too much work and a lot to ask for my hubby to stimulate me in other ways.
First there are two types of orgasms, that a wife can have. An orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris and an orgasm through stimulation of the G-spot. The most common orgasm that a wife experiences is through the clitoris. So for today I will be speaking about the clitoral stimulation and orgasm.
If you find that you are not reaching climax through penetration alone, keep trying. Don’t be discouraged. Try again. Every man and every woman is physically different, but the good news is you two have a lifetime to have fun figuring it all out.
Try different positions
God designed sex and our bodies to move and feel good during sex. Explore and find different ways to stimulate. Move around and enjoy the process!
Stimulate in other ways
If you have tried and tried and penetration is simply not enough, allow and invite your hubby to use his hand to explore and stimulate. This might be a new experience for both of you, but rather than looking up any diagrams I suggest that you have him slowly touch you while you tell him what motions, locations, speed and pressure feel good to you. Take your time and you will discover together what works wonders for your body.
Enjoy the process of figuring it all out
The point is to discover together how sex is going to work. It should not look like a movie or what they say in the latest magazine. It should be how you and your husband bring each other joy, together. Exploring, communicating, enjoying, letting down your guard together. Sex is not easy in many ways, but when you find how it will work for you and your hubby, it will bless you in unimaginable ways.
My thoughts on . . . Since God designed our bodies to need different stimulation for climax, we are not guaranteed an orgasm every time and wives should be ok with that.
To this I say, no and yes! No, we don’t have to have one every time and sometimes during “quickies” I think it is ok, as long as it is decided by both partners to be so. On the whole, I think sex should be both of you experiencing climax, in whatever way works for your one flesh connection. If you have allowed it to become the norm, that you don’t climax, I challenge that is not how God intended for sex to be. I believe sex without mutual orgasm can lead to emotional, physical and spiritual disconnection between you and your hubby. It is not too hard or too much to want your hubby to give you the stimulation you need to have an orgasm. This is part of sex and if it does not happen through penetration, then you need to find other ways. Sex is about pleasing and enjoying each other in the act of becoming one flesh. Keep that as your focus and I believe each of you will want to make sure the other comes to climax.
Did you ever have any other misconceptions about women’s orgasms? Let us know in the comments! I’ll guess you aren’t the only one!