Ready – Fire – Aim the Plight of Premature Ejaculation

Brad says…

Today I’m tackling one of the most common and most misunderstood male sexual problems, Premature Ejaculation (PE). Estimates predict that depending on the definition of PE 20% to 30% of men will be afflicted at one point in their life. Even if this isn’t you right now, it could be; and there are some things you can do to improve no matter where you are on the duration continuum.

Just as a disclaimer, there is no way to discuss PE without using some terms, so I’ll be using the technical and medical terms throughout this post.

The official definition of PE is reaching orgasm before you or your partner desire to. That being said we need to talk a bit about what is normal, because we have all been fed some lies!

Making Love All Night Long

Songs, movies, stories, and pornography all sell the illusion that normal men can sustain sexual intercourse for hours on end!  That is a bold face lie! These things are actually measured and tested, and the average male lasts approximately 5 minutes. That is 5 minutes from the beginning of penetration to ejaculation.

Longer Isn’t Better

Another myth that we automatically accept as fact is that longer is better.  This actually isn’t necessarily the case for either us and for our wives. Many men are concerned with what they define as premature ejaculation because they have not been able to bring their wife to climax through penetration before their own orgasm happens.  News Flash Guys! You probably won’t! Check out my post “Search For the Missing Big O” for more on this topic.

Now with a perspective of average and recognizing that longer isn’t always better, let’s look again at the definition of premature ejaculation. Men will usually only be considered to actually have PE if they consistently ejaculate in less than 90 seconds after penetration. The men who are really wrestling with this issue often climax during foreplay or almost immediately after penetration happens. Anyone can (and will) have this happen on occasion, but if happens every time you have intercourse it can be quite disappointing to both you and your wife.

Disappointment Does Not Lead to Intimacy

Men are so respect driven that feeling like we are a disappointment is a powerful intimacy killer! When this disappointment comes from feeling inadequate in the bedroom the potential for difficulty doubles!

Don’t despair there are actually some very good techniques and products that can dramatically change your duration ability! Actually, all of these techniques can be used by every guy to go longer if he chooses too.

Talk Before Action

No matter what technique or product you choose you have to recognize that this is a decision for both you and your wife. You need to talk to her about the issue and the potential solutions. Share with her your desire to try some techniques and ask for her help in improving your sexual intimacy. This might actually be the hardest step for many men, but it is the most important!

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Some people have said the best practice is to “think about baseball” in order to help reduce your sexual stimulation. I’m not actually in support of this technique. Distraction only leads to separation in a time that you are supposed to be connected and present. If you wife was thinking about getting her nails done, how would you feel? Real techniques to address the issue of premature ejaculation focus on getting your mind and body accustom to increased stimulation before climaxing.

Stop Running the 50 Yard Dash

When quick orgasms are an ongoing problem in marriage couples often adapt. This often results in a system where they use manual stimulation to bring the wife to orgasm first. Then he starts penetration, resulting in a quick dash to “end together”. There is nothing wrong with this system, but you have to recognize that you are teaching your body to reach orgasm at full speed. In order to increase your duration you are going to have to try something else.

There and Back Again

In order to teach your mind and body to delay your orgasm you must first learn when you are about to cross the “point of no return” line. This line in the sand marks the time before orgasm is inevitable. In the “There and Back Again” technique (there are no hobbits involved) you and your wife work together to slowly stimulate you till you are close, but not yet over the line. Then you stop and wait for a few minutes till the feeling passes and repeat. Try to do this several times before you actually ejaculate. This is a slow process of teaching your body to climax with more stimulation.

Squeeze

Another variation of “There and Back Again” is adding a squeeze when you feel that you are just about to reach orgasm.  Have your wife squeeze firmly at the base of your penis till your body relaxes a bit.

Products

There are two products that can assist couples dealing with PE. Some men have recognized that they only experience PE when they are not using condoms. Condoms actually provide two types of assistance to men with PE. First they decrease sensation slightly, and secondly the band holding the condom in place actually acts as a restriction ring (like a constant squeeze method). So condoms can be a good solution, unless you are trying to get pregnant or don’t want to use them for other reasons.

In that case, there are products that can give you the same effect.

The first is Desensitizing Creams. The only complication is that it will also desensitize your wife some too. These can be used in combination with condoms to avoid this issue.

The second very popular option is a simple rubber ring worn at the base of the penis. (Links are to The Pure Bed’s Christian Intimacy Store)

More…

If these ideas still leave you “short” I strongly encourage you to talk to your doctor. There are other possible causes and solutions that a doctor can recommend.

Questions? Thoughts? Comments? Victories? I would love to hear from you! Leave me a comment!

(Visited 537 times, 1 visits today)

11 Responses to Ready – Fire – Aim the Plight of Premature Ejaculation

  1. Perhaps it is because you are both clearly under 45 years of age — perhaps even under 35 — but there are other sexual issues other than premature ejaculation. Older men struggle with completing the sex act, taking a long time to reach orgasm. Those issues are quite real, actually. Have you addressed those?

    • KS,
      Thank you for your comment. You are correct that completing sexual intercourse with orgasm does get more challenging with age. There are multiple reasons for this, including ED and prostate issues. I have not (yet) written a whole post about these also very important issues in a man’s sexual life. The principle: “disappointment is a powerful intimacy killer! When this disappointment comes from feeling inadequate in the bedroom the potential for difficulty doubles!” absolutely applies to all of these issues as well! For more information on inhibited ejaculation, I would refer you to Paul Byerly’s article on the subject on The Marriage Bed website

      I also want to encourage you that just because PE has not been an issue in your marriage, does not mean that it is not a very important sexual issue. Many men, young and old are wrestling with this. There is lots of great info in dealing with ED, and it is beginning to be better understood that it is a common problem. However, I have actually discovered that in today’s world flooded with commercials with couples in bathtubs, warning us not to have an erection longer than 4 hours, men who have intercourse lasting seconds or minutes are wondering what is wrong with them. I don’t want anyone to feel like their issue is “unimportant” or less important that another.
      Thanks for your comment! God Bless!

      • I would definitely encourage you to explore issues relating to older men. When the children leave home, there is so much more freedom and less inhibition for a couple; to be plagued with any difficulty is painful. Enjoying sex is not just for the young! Thanks for your comment.

        • KS,
          Sex is NOT just for the young! I plan to enjoy it way past when my grand kids can make a face and say “grandpa!!!!”…… 🙂

  2. From the perspective of a man who suffers with this plight, not being able to last more than 90 seconds feels like you have failed your wife in bed. Actually not being able to last longer than 5 minutes feels like failure too, and failure = disappointment …. and none of us want to disappoint our wives, ESPECIALLY in the realm of sex! (which is, I am sure, why there have not been 50 comments on this thread already)

    From what I can tell, the key to lasting longer is not external, but inside you, learning to control your own sexual response. To do that, you need to know your wife’s body well, and how you respond to her physically … meaning you need lots of practice.

    • A. Nonymous,
      Thank you for your comment and your being vulnerable to talking about this issue! I’m sure that some of the guys reading this post, are thinking that because there aren’t comments this isn’t a big issue. Trust me when I say that isn’t true! This post was read more then 1500 times in the 48 hours after it was posted. They just didn’t feel open to leaving a comment (which I can understand). I’m only throwing that out publicly, because I want other men reading this to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE

      Your comment is mostly correct that treatment can be reworking your internal control of sexual response. That is why the “50 Yard Dash” mentality doesn’t work. This is not something that is in the literature, but I’ve seen it happen in other men so I wanted to raise this idea.
      Treatment can also be greatly aided by external helps. (condoms or the other products I linked) Please don’t be afraid of these too! They can really help get things moving in the right direction!
      Thanks again for your comment! Blessings- Brad

  3. KS,this is his mans blog. He can write about the topics he likes. He informed you there is plenty of info about ED out there. Let him write what is on his heart to write and stop being so critical.

  4. Premature ejaculation is really a big obsession for men, it greatly affects many aspects of life, especially the happy family that will greatly influence the sexual desire of either party not be satisfied. I have witnessed many happy family breakup because her husband was premature ejaculation. So you need to fix it now, I think you should read this article carefully and apply it is sufficient

  5. I am 50 and PE is a very real problem for me. I tried the “redirecting your thoughts” thing, and it does not work for me. If I try to distract myself so I don’t climax, I lose my erection and then have a hard time getting it back … which makes my wife think I don’t desire her. Knowing she thinks that causes me to put more pressure on myself, which increases my anxiety, which makes it even harder to get my erection back. So warning to other brothers … don’t try distracting yourself!

    • When those two issues come together it absolutely can add a different level of challenge. There are other ways of treating PE. Including destining creams, or even wearing a condom that can help. Have you tried any of those? The stop and start method also can work depending on how serious the PE is. Don’t give up hope, while that one method may not have worked there are other possibilities!