Today I’m tackling one of the most common and most misunderstood male sexual problems, Premature Ejaculation (PE). Estimates predict that depending on the definition of PE 20% to 30% of men will be afflicted at one point in their life. Even if this isn’t you right now, it could be; and there are some things you can do to improve no matter where you are on the duration continuum.
The official definition of PE is reaching orgasm before you or your partner desire to. That being said we need to talk a bit about what is normal, because we have all been fed some lies!
Making Love All Night Long
Songs, movies, stories, and pornography all sell the illusion that normal men can sustain sexual intercourse for hours on end! That is a bold face lie! These things are actually measured and tested, and the average male lasts approximately 5 minutes. That is 5 minutes from the beginning of penetration to ejaculation.
Longer Isn’t Better
Another myth that we automatically accept as fact is that longer is better. This actually isn’t necessarily the case for either us and for our wives. Many men are concerned with what they define as premature ejaculation because they have not been able to bring their wife to climax through penetration before their own orgasm happens. News Flash Guys! You probably won’t! Check out my post “Search For the Missing Big O” for more on this topic.
Now with a perspective of average and recognizing that longer isn’t always better, let’s look again at the definition of premature ejaculation. Men will usually only be considered to actually have PE if they consistently ejaculate in less than 90 seconds after penetration. The men who are really wrestling with this issue often climax during foreplay or almost immediately after penetration happens. Anyone can (and will) have this happen on occasion, but if happens every time you have intercourse it can be quite disappointing to both you and your wife.
Disappointment Does Not Lead to Intimacy
Men are so respect driven that feeling like we are a disappointment is a powerful intimacy killer! When this disappointment comes from feeling inadequate in the bedroom the potential for difficulty doubles!
Don’t despair there are actually some very good techniques and products that can dramatically change your duration ability! Actually, all of these techniques can be used by every guy to go longer if he chooses too.
Talk Before Action
No matter what technique or product you choose you have to recognize that this is a decision for both you and your wife. You need to talk to her about the issue and the potential solutions. Share with her your desire to try some techniques and ask for her help in improving your sexual intimacy. This might actually be the hardest step for many men, but it is the most important!
A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste
Some people have said the best practice is to “think about baseball” in order to help reduce your sexual stimulation. I’m not actually in support of this technique. Distraction only leads to separation in a time that you are supposed to be connected and present. If you wife was thinking about getting her nails done, how would you feel? Real techniques to address the issue of premature ejaculation focus on getting your mind and body accustom to increased stimulation before climaxing.
Stop Running the 50 Yard Dash
When quick orgasms are an ongoing problem in marriage couples often adapt. This often results in a system where they use manual stimulation to bring the wife to orgasm first. Then he starts penetration, resulting in a quick dash to “end together”. There is nothing wrong with this system, but you have to recognize that you are teaching your body to reach orgasm at full speed. In order to increase your duration you are going to have to try something else.
There and Back Again
In order to teach your mind and body to delay your orgasm you must first learn when you are about to cross the “point of no return” line. This line in the sand marks the time before orgasm is inevitable. In the “There and Back Again” technique (there are no hobbits involved) you and your wife work together to slowly stimulate you till you are close, but not yet over the line. Then you stop and wait for a few minutes till the feeling passes and repeat. Try to do this several times before you actually ejaculate. This is a slow process of teaching your body to climax with more stimulation.
Another variation of “There and Back Again” is adding a squeeze when you feel that you are just about to reach orgasm. Have your wife squeeze firmly at the base of your penis till your body relaxes a bit.
There are two products that can assist couples dealing with PE. Some men have recognized that they only experience PE when they are not using condoms. Condoms actually provide two types of assistance to men with PE. First they decrease sensation slightly, and secondly the band holding the condom in place actually acts as a restriction ring (like a constant squeeze method). So condoms can be a good solution, unless you are trying to get pregnant or don’t want to use them for other reasons.
In that case, there are products that can give you the same effect.
The first is Desensitizing Creams. The only complication is that it will also desensitize your wife some too. These can be used in combination with condoms to avoid this issue.
The second very popular option is a simple rubber ring worn at the base of the penis. (Links are to The Pure Bed’s Christian Intimacy Store)
If these ideas still leave you “short” I strongly encourage you to talk to your doctor. There are other possible causes and solutions that a doctor can recommend.
Questions? Thoughts? Comments? Victories? I would love to hear from you! Leave me a comment!