Kate’s post, “Defeating Delayed Desire” does a great job raising a very important issue that most women are never taught. Women do not always feel intense desire for sex before their bodies are aroused. We see movies and hear stories of women having similar sexual desire as men, and when life doesn’t imitate art in this way, many couples get discouraged.
Since reading Kate’s post, I’ve been thinking about how husbands should respond to this new-found knowledge. What can they do to support wives who normally have delayed sexual desire? This is really not an easy question to answer. Kate encouraged wives to push past their first instinct to say “no” to sex and give themselves time to “warm up” to the idea. But how should a husband respond?
You now know that your sexual intimacy might be suffering because of delayed desire, but unlike what we were told, knowing is not half of this battle! Just knowing about delayed sexual desire could only drive you to keep nagging and prodding your wife for sex.
Nagging Doesn’t Work
Many guys know about this issue of delayed desire because we have seen it happen in our marriages. There are times when at the first suggestion of sex the answer is no, yet with persistent, grumpy nagging we get a reluctant yes. After that system works once or twice we tend to follow that pattern over and over again. But guys, nagging doesn’t really work. Yes, it may result in having sex, but more often than not it is guilty sex, or obligation sex, which lacks passion and serves to only drive us further away from each other.
It’s finally grilling season again, the smell of meat over open flame seems to stir the hearts, souls and stomachs of most men. In honor of this phenomenon I’m going to put the answer to wives delayed sexual desire in grilling terms.
Men Are Like Steak
I love a good steak. I’ve all but sworn off those expensive meat factory chain restaurants because I know how to cook a steak better than they do anyway. One of the important factors is pretty high heat. I sear my Porterhouse, cooking for maybe 4 minutes a side, after a nice rest it is perfect! Raw to perfect in about 10 minutes. That’s us guys! We may not even be considering sex, but at the mere mention of the possibility we can be “up and at ‘um” and totally ready in no time flat.
Women Are Like Ribs
I know there are strong debates over the proper recipe for ribs: wet or dry, sweet or spicy. The one constant in the Memphis vs. Texas style debate is cooking time. The description of any good recipe ribs is something like “Kissed by smoke, rubbed by spice, (or hugged by sauce) and licked by fire.” It is low and slow and beautiful! No man is his right mind would put a rack of ribs on the same fire that he cooks his steak to perfection!
She needs to be kissed, rubbed, hugged and maybe licked by a bit of fire. She needs to be taken low and slow, given time to come around to perfection.
What happens when you rush ribs? You get burnt ribs! This is what happens when you nag your wife for sex rather than nurturing her towards it! I know your fire is burning hot, but you are going to have to learn some “grill” control and spend some time slow cooking your sexual intimacy.
- Don’t wait till bedtime
- Don’t wait till you come home at night (text messages or emails work great to get the grill started.)
- Don’t start by saying “you wanna?”
- Do think about showing attention and affection in your words, touch, and actions
Now that your all hungry, for ribs of course. Go and get that grill started! Oh and tell your wife you love her too!
Are there ways that you have helped your wife defeat delayed desire? Let us know in the comments!