Sex On The Grill or How To Heat Things Up

Brad says…

Kate’s post, “Defeating Delayed Desire” does a great job raising a very important issue that most women are never taught.  Women do not always feel intense desire for sex before their bodies are aroused.  We see movies and hear stories of women having similar sexual desire as men, and when life doesn’t imitate art in this way, many couples get discouraged.

Since reading Kate’s post, I’ve been thinking about how husbands should respond to this new-found knowledge.  What can they do to support wives who normally have delayed sexual desire? This is really not an easy question to answer. Kate encouraged wives to push past their first instinct to say “no” to sex and give themselves time to “warm up” to the idea.  But how should a husband respond?

You now know that your sexual intimacy might be suffering because of delayed desire, but unlike what we were told, knowing is not half of this battle! Just knowing about delayed sexual desire could only drive you to keep nagging and prodding your wife for sex.

Nagging Doesn’t Work

Many guys know about this issue of delayed desire because we have seen it happen in our marriages. There are times when at the first suggestion of sex the answer is no, yet with persistent, grumpy nagging we get a reluctant yes.  After that system works once or twice we tend to follow that pattern over and over again.  But guys, nagging doesn’t really work.  Yes, it may result in having sex, but more often than not it is guilty sex, or obligation sex, which lacks passion and serves to only drive us further away from each other.

Steak or Ribs

It’s finally grilling season again, the smell of meat over open flame seems to stir the hearts, souls and stomachs of most men. In honor of this phenomenon I’m going to put the answer to wives delayed sexual desire in grilling terms.

Men Are Like Steak

I love a good steak. I’ve all but sworn off those expensive meat factory chain restaurants because I know how to cook a steak better than they do anyway.  One of the important factors is pretty high heat.  I sear my Porterhouse, cooking for maybe 4 minutes a side, after a nice rest it is perfect! Raw to perfect in about 10 minutes. That’s us guys! We may not even be considering sex, but at the mere mention of the possibility we can be “up and at ‘um” and totally ready in no time flat.

Women Are Like Ribs

I know there are strong debates over the proper recipe for ribs: wet or dry, sweet or spicy. The one constant in the Memphis vs. Texas style debate is cooking time. The description of any good recipe ribs is something like “Kissed by smoke, rubbed by spice, (or hugged by sauce) and licked by fire.” It is low and slow and beautiful! No man is his right mind would put a rack of ribs on the same fire that he cooks his steak to perfection!

Guy’s your wife is that rack of perfect ribs!

She needs to be kissed, rubbed, hugged and maybe licked by a bit of fire.  She needs to be taken low and slow, given time to come around to perfection.

What happens when you rush ribs? You get burnt ribs! This is what happens when you nag your wife for sex rather than nurturing her towards it! I know your fire is burning hot, but you are going to have to learn some “grill” control and spend some time slow cooking your sexual intimacy.

  • Don’t wait till bedtime
  • Don’t wait till you come home at night (text messages or emails work great to get the grill started.)
  • Don’t start by saying “you wanna?”
  • Do think about showing attention and affection in your words, touch, and actions

Now that your all hungry, for ribs of course. Go and get that grill started! Oh and tell your wife you love her too! 🙂

Are there ways that you have helped your wife defeat delayed desire? Let us know in the comments!

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8 Responses to Sex On The Grill or How To Heat Things Up

  1. Just a wife here who has a husband who takes time to do this, and I tell you, he has me hot before we ever get behind closed doors! God bless you for helping to educate and give power to overcome some of these frustrating struggles in marriage. Some go through these things not knowing what to do or how to fix it, but you’ve just given us all the tools to get past this issue. Thank-you.

    • Hi Lisa! That is awesome and an incredible blessing, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing and blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  2. I think everything you have said is great. I would like to add one thing. Do not do all these sweet loving things just when you want sex. My husband did that. I could tell he wanted sex by the way he treated me. The rest of the time he basically ignored me and my needs. Our marriage almost didn’t make it.

    • Hi Lin! You are very right in this. Our hubby’s need to know that we need affection other times as well, not just right before sex! If they are intentional about loving us other times, they will find that we are much more apt to warm up quicker! Thanks for sharing! Blessings, Kate

  3. I am all for/about this. I put the effort into trying to “slow cook” the process with my wife. I send the texts/emails, casually express my desire for her early in the day so she has it in the back of her mind all day, etc etc etc…the problem is is that she says that makes her feel awkward. She never reciprocates or even acknowledges those gestures, when she does it is to express annoyance at them. Because of her attitude towards my “slow cooking”, I have since stopped. This translates to a very mediocre sex life because when it comes time to get things going, it just seems so forced. I try to talk to her about it and she won’t talk, she says she really wants me, but just lays there and expects me to make everything happen with no effort on her part. She says it’s because I am not confident. I ask what she means and she just says that I need to be confident. The problem there is that when I do try to take the lead, she says no or gives me grief or resistance. When I say take the lead, I don’t mean I’m trying to be a dominating force, but that I am trying to guide. That constant resistance to my attempt at confidence makes it near impossible to be confident. I have expressed that to my wife but she says it’s not her job to give me my confidence. I know that is right in a way, but as my wife, she should be my confidence cheerleader, correct? I am just at a loss as to what she means by confidence. It is taking a toll on every area of our marriage. I feel a complete lack of respect from her. I really strive to speak her love language, which is acts of service, in hopes of reciprocation to my love language, which is physical touch (not just sex, but small touches all the way to sex), but she just simply does not seem excited to reciprocate. It’s leaving me feeling very empty, rejected and unloved. I ask her if she feels loved and she says she absolutely does. She sees my efforts by the things I do for her…I see no effort from her and I am afraid it’s because I, according to her, lack confidence. Any advice?

    • Thismarrieddude,
      Wow! Thank you for raising this issue! This is a very very important cycle that many couples experience. There are alot of factors going on, and there is no one easy answer.

      Part of what your wife is talking about is the dynamic that happens when we take the “Oliver” approach to sex and beg, “please may I have some more???”

      I say we, because we have all been there. Unfortunately, the message this type of asking communicates is that we need a “vessel” for release of our sexual demands. No wife feels good about that.

      I’ve written more about that in Sex: The Art of Asking for More.

      However simply understanding what she is talking about isn’t enough to change this situation. It sounds as if you are going to have to have some heart of heart conversations with your wife about where things are falling apart! There are numerous reasons why your wife does not appear to enjoy set at this point. (check out The Sexless Marriage Catch 22 for just a partial list of potential culprits.)

      I think you would be right in asking her “what does confidence look like” or an even better question would be “can you tell me a time when you feel I did approach you with sexual confidence”.

      Here’s the good side. As difficult as that conversation could be, the fact that you make sure to have it shows a level of sexual confidence. I think just asking starts a “win” for you! You might also want to check out my post Sexual Assertiveness Training. I don’t know if that is the “type” of confidence that she is talking about, but it wouldn’t be a bad way to start!

      This is such an important issue, that I have it on my list to write about again soon. Keep checking back, and feel free to keep asking questions!
      God Bless!