Kate says . . .
There comes a time that all married (or soon to be married) couples must choose whether or not to use birth control. Finding good information and making a decision together can be hard. Some couples choose not to use any birth control and that is fine, if that is what you feel led to do. No marriage gets away without facing this issue, unless you ignore it completely and then most likely you will end up blessed with a baby! 
We shared that we struggled with oral contraceptives and how it affected my sex drive. Several readers asked us to expand on the topic of birth control’s impact on sex drive and share more. We are always glad to share of our experience in hopes that God will use it to help other couples that may find themselves struggling in this area too.
Our Birth Control Story
Before we were married, Brad and I chatted a little about birth control, but because of the convenience of oral birth control-we chose to go that way, not thinking much about it. I started taking “the pill” about three months before our wedding. To be honest I never knew sex without the pill till many years later. Our first year of marriage and sex was a pretty typical honeymoon period. It was some time after that we started to have struggles.
I greatly enjoyed sex when we had it, the problem was-I just didn’t want it very often. This lack of thinking about sex, among other things started to take a toll on our marriage and intimacy in all areas. We both knew there was a problem and we would talk about it, but both were frustrated with the situation. I never understood what the issue was.
So how did we discover that oral contraceptives were a huge contributor of my low sex drive? We got pregnant! 3 years after we were married we decided it was a good time to have our first baby (because having a baby fixes everything, right? We will save that question for another post!) I went off the pill and became pregnant very quickly. During my first trimester I was dealing with lovely morning sickness (all day) and feeling extremely tired all the time so sex wasn’t top on my list. After that finally passed I started to really desire sex. I knew that some women have an increased drive for sex during pregnancy and some can experience a lower drive. For me it was, well off the charts. Brad and I started to put one and one together (no pun intended) and realized that this wasn’t just a normal pregnancy sex drive boost. We started reading and figured out that my birth control was greatly affecting my sex drive.
Many people have asked what we would have done if we had known about this side effect of oral contraceptives ahead of time. I certainly wish that we had researched the affects of oral contraceptives further then we did. In hindsight, I believe we would have chosen to do family planning (counting your cycle, and using condoms on the days you ovulate.) Brad and I both chuckle at this because we suspect we would have probably had our children a lot sooner. Yet, if you use family planning effectively it can work and be successful.
What can you do if you are trying to figure out birth control for your marriage?
Pray together
Seek God’s wisdom and guidance. Pray together and ask that God would lead you and show you the best way for your oneness and for your family (or future family)
Be informed
Don’t do what Brad and I did and choose the “easiest” method. Learn all about the methods and what the affects can be on you and your hubby. Not sure where to start? Two things we recommend.
First, talk to your doctor. Be frank with them and go with a list of questions. I encourage you to do this as a couple. Birth Control is a decision for your marriage and therefore should be done together.
Second, visit The Marriage Bed’s Birth Control page for all of the great information they have. Paul and Lori stay informed on all of birth control methods and understand the medical side as well as the spiritual. They have compiled a wealth of great information that can help you make an informed decision.
Re-Evaluate
If something isn’t working or you have concerns, don’t just sit around and wait, make some changes and be proactive fighting for your sexual intimacy. Keep open lines of communication with your hubby about what is working and what isn’t working. Don’t let birth control issues be a stumbling block in your one flesh intimacy.
Have you struggled with the effects of birth control in your marriage?
What method were you using and how did you work to overcome the challenge?
We would love for you to share your journey below so that we can all learn from one another and be encouraged!
I’m getting married soon and wondering what kind of BC yall do recommend? I don’t want to take the pill and we don’t really want to use condoms…but I don’t want to get pregnant for some time. Any places to turn would be so appreciated. Thanks.
Hi Julie in Houston! Thanks for writing and sharing. I totally understand where you are coming from. I think the best way to choose is to read up on all of your options-on The Marriage Bed link we provided. Then pray with your soon to be hubby. God truly will guide you in the ways he wants you to go. Talking to your doctor somewhere in there is a good thing as well. Being informed is the best thing I can advice you to do. I cannot personally recommend one method over another, because we are all different and therefore different things are a better fit for each of us. Talk with your fiance, talk with a doctor and read lots of information! God will guide you! Blessings to you and your soon to be hubby! Kate
The book Taking Charge of your fertility is the best book out about NFP. I review it here: http://mamarachael.wordpress.com/2011/11/05/book-review-taking-charge-of-your-fertility/
I say don’t do the pill, I also think that what caused my infertility.
We also used a diaphragm when needed. Not the greatest, but better than condoms, we think.
Hi Mama Rachael! Thank for sharing the link to your review and a bit of your story. It is my hope that every couple reading this post will visit The Marriage Bed and other sites to educate themselves, praying for God to lead them! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
Great post, Kate! We have a very similar story but in addition to the lack of a sex drive, I also had CRAZY mood swings. I would cry and hate myself if I couldn’t figure out what to wear in the morning! It was not fun. I thought it was just me being self-conscious but then I felt God really leading me to go off of birth control. I struggled with this because we were in college and no where near ready to have a baby PLUS I had been taking the pill as treatment for my polycystic ovarian syndrome. I finally listened and the mood swings almost instantly stopped. I’ve been off the pill for over 3 years and we are just recently trying for a baby. It’s possible to not get pregnant without! We used natural family planning and herbs for my irregular cycles and it worked great. It something I highly suggest praying through because there are some that love the pill and have no issues with it. Thanks again for the post! It’s something more women (and men) need education in!
Hi Erin! Thanks for sharing about your experience! I had a good friend who also had really bad mood swings. I had never heard of that before she shared-although maybe I had them too? Will have to ask Brad about that!
You are so very right that we need more education on the matter. It may be radical, but I think discussing birth control is something every church needs to do in their premaritial. Yet we avoid it because we don’t really know the facts. Yet we can educate couples on the very fact that they should not choose something blindly! Know that we are thinking of you and praying for you as you seek to start your family! Blessings to you and Matt! Kate
My wife had the same problem. We were very surprised how the “establishment” shrugged this off and there was very little documentation on this. During one of our ministry opportunities, we had to have extensive physiological/relationship analysis before we started work. We suggested to the evaluators that we thought it was the BC but they just laughed and basically saying it was impossible.
Time for the first born and off “the pill” and things changed! Since then things are substantially different. We now only use the “natural” method since meds are off our list and barriers also seem to limit the intimacy.
BTW, with our first born we saw the evaluators in passing several years later and they commented that it seemed we has sorted out our issues. We did not have the heart to tell them we had not yet read any of their “sex” books.
Hi Big A! Thanks for writing and sharing your story! I am not sure why people are so shocked that BC can alter your sex drive-it changes your hormone levels! Many medical doctors feel it just isn’t signifigant enough of a change-for me any change in the lesser direction is not good nor desired. It is so good to hear other stories of couples who have been through this as well and are doing so much better on the other side! Blessings to you and your wife! Kate
Kate, I have thought about this for around 15 years (when we got off BC) and found some interesting information about BC years back. I could get on a “soapbox” here based on worldview but I will not. Just will comment that modern birth control has made an easy way out and providing for our world’s view on sex. It gave freedom to “do the do” and little fear pregnancy or need for commitment. In the world’s eyes, it is “freedom” and an incredible source of income for many. So as a result, the negatives are not promoted or even considered an issue.
Very true! Definitely food for thought! Thanks!
I had a similar experience with birth control. Both with the pill and the shot. I too never knew anything different for at least the first year of our marriage. That’s when I also started to get horrible headaches and found that my birth control was the cause – so I stopped taking it. I tried another one for a while (Nuva Ring) and didn’t notice the same side effects from that one at first but after a year, it too started to give me headaches. We went the family planning method after that. It takes a little practice and you have to be diligent about it but it can be very effective.
Hi Lea! Thanks for sharing your story! It is so good to hear of couples who have used the family planning method and been effective. I believe it is scary to most couples, but I think it is the best natural way (though not for everyone) to go about it! Practice makes perfect, right!
Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
This is a great article! I never even thought about those kind of side effects. I had serious weight gain with the shot. I switched to an iud and I hate it. I do suffer from a lot of headaches now. I am going to check into this. Thanks for the information!
Hi Mal! Thanks for writing and sharing. Pretty much all birth control methods have some side effect, whether it is hormonal, sensational (condoms), physical or emotional. We went for the easiest thing and never thought about how it would effect us. Go check them out and seek God on what he wants you to use! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
Hey Mal! there is a non-hormonal iud out there that does not have the side effects of the hormones that present in almost all BC and you don’t suffer the sensation loss of using a condom. It might be something to ask your doctor about. The non-hormonal iud is also one of the most effective forms of BC on the market.
Thank you for bringing this topic up, Kate. We have successfully been using the Natural Family Planning method for over 2 years now. We use condoms during my fertile period. For those of you needing some encouragement or more info on using NFP there is a online community that I recently joined that is amazing. http://www.christianfamilyplanning.net
Hi Joy! Thanks so much for sharing your story. It is so good to hear of people being successful with natural family planning. As I said, I believe if we could do it over again, it would be what we would choose. Thanks for the link as well! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
Thank you for sharing your story. It is encouraging because my experience was very similar. When we got married I started taking birth control because I thought that was what I was supposed to do if we weren’t ready to have a baby. Unfortunately, it made our first few years of marriage challenging. Now I have been off birth control for about a year and we are slowly starting to recover. I just wish someone had told me about the side effects before so that we could have started our marriage with the intimacy that God intends for it to have.
Hi Meg! Thanks for sharing your story. I too wish someone would have told me the possibilities where oral BC was concerned. Yet I think that most of the world is unaware or simply do not care. Therefore I wish I had done a little more research. It was foreign to me that a newly married women, who wanted her man very much would struggle with desire. I was very nieve in many ways. Blessings to you and your hubby as you rediscover each other!
Kate
When we were engaged, I started on the pill so we’d bee able to plan our wedding day without Aunt Flo visiting. At first, I was on the mid-dose and it did crazy things to me — basically it was clinical depression. So, I went to the low-dose, which was a huge step up from the mid-dose. but when I came off the pill all together — WOW! my energy was off the charts, my libido went up…. but no pregnancy. I really think that the hormones on the pill wonked out my hormones. Finally, we were able to try clomid and on the first month we got pregnant.
The convenience of the pill is great, but with the side effects that noone really ever talks about, I wonder if that convenience is really worth it.
Hi Mama Rachael! For me (and it sounds like you) the conveniece of the pill was not worth it! I want to bring awareness and encourage wives (and couples) to do research! Not just go for the easiest solution. Perhaps couples may still choose the pill, but I hope that they do so with good information, that will help them to know if they are expereincing a problem with it! Blessings to you and your hubby as you grow your family! Kate
I too have a story similar to all you ladies! And it’s really encouraging to know that other newlyweds and women in later stages of marriage have experienced the same things as I have – to know that I’m not just crazy!
I was just married in January and started to pill 3 months prior to marriage just like I was supposed to. It was the brainless, easy choice to prevent pregnancy. We didn’t realize until about a month ago how different it made me. I knew my sex drive should be higher at age 23! I should be thinking about it more, wanting it more, pursuing it more, pursuing my husband more, not dreading sex, etc. I could go on and on. I also experienced serious mood disturbances. I wasn’t the happy, bouncy, outgoing girl I used to be. It also made me a lot more self-conscious, which in turn made me want to “explore new things” a lot less. I would also get annoyed VERY easily. So many problems.
Now, we’re learning about the natural family planning method. Why do we as women need to be injecting our bodies, our shrines, with hormones that we don’t need? Aren’t we learning that organic, natural, and wholesome are usually the best for our bodies? Can it really be healthy to feed our bodies hormones?
Hi Kristina! Thanks so much for sharing your story! It is SO nice to know we are not alone out there. Anything we put into our bodies can have both good and bad affects on us and we need to think about both-always. Yet many of us are not educated as doctors, so we trust the doctors to tell us all these things. I would like to encourage all wives to educate themselves on these issues, talk to their husbands about them and pray! God will not fail us and He will lead us! Blessings to you and your hubby and I am so thankful you have answers! Kate
My wife has been taking oral birth control pills since we were married several years ago, with the exception of the baby years. We’ve also struggled with sex for most of our marriage, and I have to believe that the pills are a significant factor.
The problem, though, is that they’re important to managing her endometriosis. There are other drugs to treat the endo aggressively, but they have some pretty scary side effects. So, we feel a little trapped. She’s popping pills daily that make our already difficult situation worse, as you ladies have said, but they really do seem to help keep her symptoms in check. It’s rough for us, and it saddens me that our daughters are likely to go through the same situation, too.
Hi Rob! Thanks so much for sharing some of your story! I would encourage you to keep doing research and if need be, see other doctors. I am not trying to say the pill is not right, I am only trying to bring awareness to the effects that it can have. The effects that people rarely talk about. Some marriages have had great success with the pill. It has to be frustrating for you and your wife. Know that we are praying for you and keep asking for God to lead you! Blessings, Kate
I had many issues with birth control for years that I had no idea were tied to it. Reduced sex-drive was one of the least disturbing. Clinical depression, anxiety, leg cramps, headaches, moodswings and reduced immune system function which allowed my yet-undetected Lyme Disease to take full advantage of my body. Then body aches, fatigue, mental fogginess, worsening vision, and a whole plethera of other issues slipped in.
Was it only the birth control that caused all of that? No, but it definitely exacerbated and intensified my declining health. None of that helps your sex drive any either. Getting off of the NuvaRing made such a drastic improvement in my health and marriage.
DH and I happily track my cycle and use condoms now. At first it seemed like a downer, but we have discovered there are can actually be a few perks to condoms once you adjust to them. And I will say we got pregnant with #2 pretty much immediately since my hormones were in good balance. I will not return to other forms of birth control. Just not worth it.
To the man whose wife takes the pill for endometriosis, I’m curious if you’ve pursued naturopathic/integrative medical treatment. My SIL struggles with endometriosis and had a horrible time with the pill. She has since found suitable treatment in alternative medicine that changed her life so profoundly she decided to become a naturopathic doctor herself. There are other options out there besides frightening prescription drugs. Best of luck to you!
Tara – I’d certainly sign up to learn more about that! Does your SIL have a web site for her practice that I might learn how to contact her?
Hi Rob! I asked Tara to leave the info below! Here’s hoping she does so you can read up and educate yourselves! Blessings, Kate
Hi Tara! Thanks for sharing! It is so encoruaging to hear your story and all the others here! If you find your way back to us, leave the site to your where your sister found her information. Then our readers can educate themselves further on such! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
Hi! Sorry it’s taken me so long to write a response. Unfortunately my SIL is not in practice yet. She’s still in school at National College of Naturopathic Medicine so I can’t give you her website. I can’t wait til I can though!
In the meantime I’d recommend asking around in your area for highly recommended naturopaths or if you’re nearby a naturopathic school you could start there. I began my treatment at the National College of Naturopathic Medicine in Portland, OR and was then referred to a naturopath in my area that was a graduate of that school. The instructor/practitioner I saw at the school felt he was a great match for my needs and I agree.
Most naturopaths are quite skilled in working with hormonal/fertility type issues. Many insurance companies are starting to cover naturopathic care as well (although the coverage is usually as an out of network provider and may have yearly limits). I am blessed that I was able to be referred to a wonderful Christian naturopath and the journey together has been very rewarding to say the least.
It’s not something I ever expected to embrace so wholeheartedly, but nobody who knows me could argue that it’s been a huge improvement in life quality for me. I pray you’ll find the same!
I appreciate your returning and sharing some pointers, Tara! We’ll do some digging.
I’ve shared my story about birth control on my blog as well. Here’s the shortened version: I chose oral contraceptives because that’s what everyone I knew did and what the doc recommended. I had no problems for years and had a great sex drive, and then for some reason my mood plummeted. I ended up having contraception-induced depression twice and finally swore off those little pills. If I had known back then what I know now, I would have started with the method I came to love — the diaphragm. I have probably talked to only one or two other wives who used it, but I LOVED it. Easy-peasy to use and did the trick. Nowadays, our method is even better–my hubby’s vasectomy.
Hi J! Thanks for sharing your story here with us and on your blog-which we love as you know!
You are not the first to comment on the success and liking of the diaphragm! It is our hope that our readers will educate themselves further on these methods and then seek God out for His leading!
A huge shout out for my hubby’s vasectomy as well! Yup, he is gonna love that I just said that!
But truly, since we knew we were done with having biological kids, it has been the BEST birth control for us. Love it! LOL!
Thanks J and Blessings to you and Mr. Hot Holy Humorous!
Within the year before getting married, I tried 6 different types of birth control. All of them caused extremely long periods, weight gain, and mood swings up the wazoo. And apparently, I’m allergic to most forms of birth control.
We spent time in prayer shortly before the wedding and decided to come off the pills. It wasn’t worth it. I’m so glad I did too before being married because I can’t imagine the complications it would’ve added to our sex life.
Now (besides counting) we’re al natural, giving it up to the Lord that if He wants us pregnant, we will be. If not, we’ll wait patiently. So far, we haven’t gotten pregnant, which has been a blessing in that of itself given our crazy first year of marriage and our finances (and now temporarily living with the in-laws). When I was on the pill, I felt often that I was not acting like my usual self and it bothered me especially since I’m not a highly emotional person. I do find going natural frees me (ironically) to be more myself, especially when we’re intimate, even with the possibility of getting pregnant.
Personally, I believe this is the best way for me and for a lot of women, and I wouldn’t actually recommend pills to anyone. It feels to me like taking matters into our own hands when taking birth control and it’s not even 100% guaranteed. God can always work around it! ;o) I would recommend Natural Family Planning. I believe being wise about it, and not leaving absolutely everything to guesswork, is part of being a good steward of my body. Injecting hormones just doesn’t seem at all in line with God’s plan and design for wives.
Hi Hannah! Thanks for writing and sharing your experience! I am so thankful you are on the other side of all that! It is so good for wives and marriages to hear all of these testimonies and find ways to get more informed! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
Thank You! This happened to me too! A low sex drive is one of the side-effects of the birth control pill I was on as well as high blood pressure(scarey). My husband and I decided to switch to condoms. I went to my doc. and she wanted me to continue on the birth control and add an anti-depressant. I told her NO WAY. I wasn’t going to add something I didn’t need or want and have additional side effects when I could just get off the birth control. My husband and I have been very happy with our decision!
Hi C! Thanks so much for sharing your story! It is so good to hear. Blessings to you and your hubby as you continue on!
Kate
It is really awesome to find this. I’ve shared it with my friends. My sex drive is right up there with my husbands. He loves it, now. Before we got married I started taking the pill. I got to where I would try to go to sleep fast so he wouldn’t even ask. Earlier this year I started feeling really bad about this. Why was I treating the one man I love more than life the way I was. I tried all sorts of things to want it more, but until I went off the pill nothing worked. I talked to him about it and we decided that since we already have 2 beautiful little girls that I would get fixed. (My insurance covered it completely) now its only been a little over a week and we are worse than honeymooners!! I love it and so does he. Best decision ever.
Hi Laci! Thanks for writing and sharing your story. Isn’t it amazing to see how many of us have similar stories. We wives need to spread the word so that other wives and wives to be, think through their choices with their hubby! I am so thankful that you experienced healing and your hubby and you are on the same page! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
I didn’t read all the comments, but I have to tell our story. We will be married for 25 years this Autumn and about five years ago I stopped taking BC. Wow what a difference! Some could say that as a woman I’ve finally come into my prime, but I disagree. I think it was the BC. Too bad I didn’t know all this 25 years ago, things could have been so different. Time is lost and we’re not young anymore (although we’re not old either
, so other issues are starting to pop up. Oh well, we will enjoy as much as we can now.
Hi Kathy! This is so awesome to hear and Praise God! Lets help other women so that they don’t go 1, 2, 5 or 25 years without educating themselves on BC! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
When my husband and I were talking about BC before we got married there were a couple things off the table right away. Oral BC and condoms were two things we didn’t want. For me the biggest thing was that I didn’t want to mess with my hormones, we were only twenty when we got married and I didn’t want to lose all that time learning about my cycle and what “normal” was for me, especially thinking forward to when we wanted to have kids. Therefore, major research was necessary
This proved to be a really good thing because it opened up a lot of topics like what we wanted our future family to look like and what our personal views on BC and sex were. Finally we found a non-hormonal IUD that was far more inexpensive (important because we are both in university) as well as super effective. I know it isn’t the right choice for everyone but we were so thankful to find something that met all of our needs!
Just wanted to let you know we have been married for 25 years and on BC until the day before the date of this blog-I had my IUD removed and had a tubal. It was so nice to read that my lack of interest in sex for so many years was, as I suspected, due to the BC. BTW we had just completed the ten day challenge two days before the procedure! A couple of days following surgery it was as if someone flipped a switch and I couldn’t wait for my two week recovery time end! We are at the beginning of “empty nest” with our oldest leaving and are rediscovering how wonderful it is to be a couple again! The sex is great, but so is the time we spend together on dates, talking,etc. God has blessed us with one another and I am very thankful!
Hi Leisa! Thanks so much for sharing! Ok, that is so awesome to hear! I love to hear of couples who have been married as long as you and that are thriving. We have all struggled at times, so we are all right there with you! God is faithful and his blessings are abundant! I praise God with you! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
Wow!!! Thank you so so so much! I am a college student and had questions on these but I am the only Christian in my family and didn’t know how to answer these questions about should I use birth control in my marriage when the time is right! thank you for your wisdom!