Kate says . . .
Have you ever looked at your hubby and thought, “Now that is fine piece of artwork -mmhmm!” That can be with or without clothes on, of course. I know I have, often. God has placed a desire within me for my husband and I find him phenomenally attractive. Almost like a Greek God statue! I will spare you the details of describing said statue. I wonder what other characteristics and expectations we wives place on our husbands that are God like in nature?
When we were young in our marriage, I often would look at Brad with frustration, wondering why he couldn’t be different, do things differently and be the man I was hoping he would be. It is sad, and not a time I look back on fondly. I struggled to understand why God had placed this amazing man in my life, yet he was never up to par. I am wondering if any other wives out there have ever struggled this way?
After I started to step up to the plate and be the change I wanted to see in my own marriage, I realized that I had a problem. I was putting expectations on my husband that only God could fulfill in my life. I wanted Brad to be available and in tune with me so much that he would know and anticipate my needs and wants without me asking. That was what love and marriage was all about, right? I knew there would be times of disagreement and things we didn’t see eye-to-eye on, but I expected Brad to be my God on earth, in many ways. I would have never said it that way at the time, because for many years I did not realize the expectations I was placing on him.
When I started to search God’s heart for being a Godly wife and draw nearer to him in the process, I realized many of the needs and expectations were being met, by God! Exactly where they should be met. I also discovered that when I stopped placing those things on Brad, he truly became the man of God that I desired. Was it perfect? No and it never will be, but it was a much better, realistic version of my very human (and sexy) hubby!
Have you ever felt great frustration at your hubby, wanting him to be and do things differently? Think about the expectations that you find yourself frustrated about, are they things that your husband can truly do for you? Or are they supposed to be things God fulfills in you? What kind of expectations, you might ask?
Things such as:
- Knowing and understanding every mood we have and what to do.
- Knowing how to comfort us and how to make us feel better all the time.
- Fulfilling our need for intimate emotional connection.
- Making us feel loved, accepted and desired-all the time, even with the insecurities that were there long before our hubby entered the picture.
- Wanting our hubby to go out of his way to tell us how beautiful we are all the time.
- Hoping that our hubby will be a husband, a best girl friend, a mother and a father to us, especially if we had poor examples of them in our lives.
- Thinking that our husband should love us and forgive us easily, no matter what offense we have caused.
Do any of these sound familiar as a theme in your thoughts towards your husband? Be careful to think about it for a while, because in the beginning I would have denied that there were themes in my thinking that only God could fulfill. Yet when you boiled it down, I was wanting my husband to do things for me that only my loving Savior can do. If you find yourself thinking some of these very thoughts, here are few ways to help give these expectations to the one designed to handle them.
Talk to God
Share with him where you are struggling and the things that you want your husband to be for you, that only he can. Cry out to Him for his help. After all He is the one and only one who can help you through anything!
Write them down
I would encourage you to write down the exact things that you struggle with. The things that you want your hubby to do and know that he cannot possibly meet that need all the time. Write them down and reflect on them daily in your prayer time. Reflect on how you are doing with putting that expectation on your hubby.
Talk to your hubby
Take a step, one that may be difficult, admit to your hubby that you are struggling. Wanting him to be a super hubby and living up to expectations in certain areas and you realize that it is not fair. Share how you desire to place those things on God and not on him. It is GOOD to be transparent in your marriage. To share the revelations God is placing on your heart, even if it means admitting you were wrong and asking for forgiveness. Healing in marriage comes through vulnerability, transparency, asking and receiving forgiveness.
Does this mean my husband is off the hook?
Absolutely not! All of the things that I have listed above, your hubby was designed to be a part of. To lead you and nurture you in times of need. But remember he is not God, he cannot read your mind and he does not have the ability to be everything to you. The marriage relationship is unique and very special-like no other God has created. Your hubby was created to be one with you and although that is significant, we are broken humans and he is not able to understand, read and help in every situation. Just as we cannot anticipate and meet every need of our hubby’s, neither can he meet all of ours.
Philippians 4:19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. (NLT)
This was a hard revelation for me as Brad’s wife. I very much dislike that I have done this to him over the years and there are times I still catch myself trying to put these God like expectations on him. I would love to hear from you wives if this has ever been a challenge for you. If so, how have you learned to keep that in check and go to God with the things that only he can help you with?