“Not tonight Hun, I have a headache.” The dreaded words that every “excited” husband doesn’t want to hear!
Yet, on occasion every husband will hear those words and start to wonder “now what?”
To be honest, when regular sexual intimacy is a part of your one flesh marriage a headache isn’t really a big deal. However, if there is extended illness, or the headache just happens to land on one of those days, what can you do?
Step 1: Remember who’s in Pain
I know the moment the “H” word slipped from her lips your mind was filled only with the shattered dream of your evening. Take a moment to regroup and refocus. Yes your sexual hopes might be dashed for the evening, but your wife just told you she is in pain. Take a deep breath and remove your interests from the front of your “mind”.
Step 2: Offer to Help
There are lots of ways that you might be able to help your wife’s headache.
- Give her a massage
- Rub her feet
- Draw her a bath
- Give her quiet time
- Take care of bedtime with the kids
Step 3: Stick to the Plan
All of those are appropriate responses when your beloved is in pain. Offer to help her but then don’t help in a way that only seeks to recover your shattered evening. 9 times out of 10 your wife will say no to the massage, even if it would help her headache, because she thinks you will use it to continue your sexual advances. Tell her the offers are totally “unconditional” then stick to it!
Step 4: Express Your Desires Correctly
Sticking to the plan doesn’t mean you have to stuff away all of your desire for sexual intimacy away just yet. Just because your wife said she had a headache does not mean that she isn’t interested in sexual intimacy! I’ve made this mistake before too. Kate will mention something like “my head hurts”, or “I’m really tired” in passing conversation. I will immediately take this as a declaration of “no sex tonight buster!” But I’ve been wrong! It has taken me a very long time to learn that these comments are not the glaring stop lights that I always thought they were. True maybe they represent a flashing yellow, “proceeded with caution” message, but not the flat-out NO I had always assumed. This is especially true since Kate discovered that sex can be a great headache remedy. (Trust me ladies! And check out her post, “Not Tonight I Have a Headache” if you don’t believe me.)
Are step 3 and step 4 complete opposites?
I’m glad you asked. No they really are not; in step 3 you are doing what you can to take care of you wife. In step 4 you don’t use innuendo, or extra long kisses to “test the water” again. You need to be able to have an actual conversation with your wife about your desires, and not just assume that she isn’t interested. I know this might be difficult, and yes it does increase the actual risks for rejection, for her to really say no. But you have already assumed she was saying that anyway! Go for it, ask!
Guys, how have you found to hold off desire to put your wife’s needs first?
Ladies, how would you like your hubby to respond when you make an “I have a headache” announcement?