Brad says…
“Not tonight Hun, I have a headache.” The dreaded words that every “excited” husband doesn’t want to hear!
Yet, on occasion every husband will hear those words and start to wonder “now what?”
To be honest, when regular sexual intimacy is a part of your one flesh marriage a headache isn’t really a big deal. However, if there is extended illness, or the headache just happens to land on one of those days, what can you do?
Step 1: Remember who’s in Pain
I know the moment the “H” word slipped from her lips your mind was filled only with the shattered dream of your evening. Take a moment to regroup and refocus. Yes your sexual hopes might be dashed for the evening, but your wife just told you she is in pain. Take a deep breath and remove your interests from the front of your “mind”.
Step 2: Offer to Help
There are lots of ways that you might be able to help your wife’s headache.
Offer to:
- Give her a massage
- Rub her feet
- Draw her a bath
- Give her quiet time
- Take care of bedtime with the kids
Step 3: Stick to the Plan
All of those are appropriate responses when your beloved is in pain. Offer to help her but then don’t help in a way that only seeks to recover your shattered evening. 9 times out of 10 your wife will say no to the massage, even if it would help her headache, because she thinks you will use it to continue your sexual advances. Tell her the offers are totally “unconditional” then stick to it!
Step 4: Express Your Desires Correctly
Sticking to the plan doesn’t mean you have to stuff away all of your desire for sexual intimacy away just yet. Just because your wife said she had a headache does not mean that she isn’t interested in sexual intimacy! I’ve made this mistake before too. Kate will mention something like “my head hurts”, or “I’m really tired” in passing conversation. I will immediately take this as a declaration of “no sex tonight buster!” But I’ve been wrong! It has taken me a very long time to learn that these comments are not the glaring stop lights that I always thought they were. True maybe they represent a flashing yellow, “proceeded with caution” message, but not the flat-out NO I had always assumed. This is especially true since Kate discovered that sex can be a great headache remedy. (Trust me ladies! And check out her post, “Not Tonight I Have a Headache” if you don’t believe me.)
Are step 3 and step 4 complete opposites?
I’m glad you asked. No they really are not; in step 3 you are doing what you can to take care of you wife. In step 4 you don’t use innuendo, or extra long kisses to “test the water” again. You need to be able to have an actual conversation with your wife about your desires, and not just assume that she isn’t interested. I know this might be difficult, and yes it does increase the actual risks for rejection, for her to really say no. But you have already assumed she was saying that anyway! Go for it, ask!
Guys, how have you found to hold off desire to put your wife’s needs first?
Ladies, how would you like your hubby to respond when you make an “I have a headache” announcement?
A wife’s life is often filled with taking care of people. While the intent of step two is not to seduce, giving your wife some TLC could be a wonderful aphrodisiac! Sometimes the longing for someone to just be aware that I am aching and take care of me can be overwhelming in the midst of being the primary caregiver (for children, grands, or elders- whatever the season of life!) That act of kindness from the husband when pain or tiredness is primary is vastly underestimated by many men.
Hi Laurie! Thanks for writing and sharing. You are very right that we mom’s tend to give all and are very tired many days. Hubby’s who lend a helping hand or who give their wives a little TLC at the end of the day are doing wonders for their sex life!
I think that too many wives turn away from the TLC though because they think it HAS to lead to sex. So even when our hubby’s do the dishes or rub our back, we are sceptical or push him away, because we are not in the mood for “other” things. I know I used to be like this. I also know I have had to think about my own selfishness in that responce. Thoughts? Thanks so much for sharing! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
I would say that the guys just need to understand that (hopefully) she’s not saying no to just put him off … some do … I know when I was going through some serious migraine issues that had me hospitalized numerous times and tons of medicines trying to help me. I didn’t need and certainly didn’t want the pressure of him needing me also. I just wanted the pain to stop so that I could feel better and be more responsive to him. We have always been straightforward with each other in that department and lately have had to do more of that since he started having high blood pressure and had to start taking medicines for that he has had ED issues … which he’s not happy about … in 21 years of marriage he has never had a problem in that regard … so it hit his ego a big hard … but he does have a prescription for what we call Vitamin V (so the kids don’t know what we are talking about) Viagra … he doesn’t like needing to take something but I told him it does NOT reflect on him as a man or me as his wife … it’s just “life” and thankfully there is something out there to help combat the side affects of the blood pressure meds
So keeping that in mind we have to tell each other more of what we are thinking instead of just going to bed and rolling with the mood so to speak 
Communication is so very very important in not just this situation but our lives together 
Hi Sandra! Thanks for writing and sharing. It is always good to hear from couples who have been open with communication and then when issues arrise, they are able to work through them. That is not to say that they are easy by any means, but you can get through them if you communicate and look to put the others needs first! Thanks so much for sharing and blessings to you both! Kate
And of course, there’s the “why” of having a headache. Is the husband coming home and just waiting to be served dinner, read the paper, and then go watch TV until 11:00pm. While the wife cooks, cleans, does laundry, gives the kids a bath, puts them bed, finishes the laundry, and drops into bed exhausted. And now here’s one more CHORE that some lazy immature person wants you to do for just them. No wonder you have headache!
Hi Deborah! Thank you for writing and sharing. I KNOW you are not the only wife out there feeling this way. I too have had my moments of similar sentiments, yet I have learned that when I am always pointing the finger at what Brad is and is not doing, then I am being very self centered. When I look at myself and what I need to do, my outlook changes. Serving and caring for Brad first is what I focus on now. Thankfully Brad also focuses on my needs first and thus we have a good cycle going. When the cycle gets out of wack, it is not good for anyone. Yet, each of you can only change yourselves. So working to change your part of teh cycle is all you can do-and pray! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate
Kate,
! We’ve been married now for over 30 years. And yes, my work load has decreased, by a lot. Yet he still just sits there. It’s like he doesn’t know how to talk. I have prayed for decades for strength and patience and guidance. He’s a good man, a good provider, but the silence and isolation are killing my soul. I am to the point where “the headache” is better.
Thanks so much for your comment. But believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve also tried asking for help. H just sits there like he doesn’t hear me. That, or he will get up but I hear him “blow” about it. I also work full time, just like he does, but then I come home to another full time job. We’ve been to counseling, he’s been to individual therapy, nothing works
I am sorry Deborah! That is a tough spot to be in. I would just encourage you to keep seeking God on being the wife he wants you to be! Jesus can be ALL that you need!
Kate
Like Sandra, I suffer from migraines. People saying sex helps headaches has landed me writhing in pain and in the need for two days. It worsens migraines. And when you live with chronic migraine (uncontrolled) and several other health conditions, what’s a young newlywed supposed to do? Risk hospital time just so I don’t sound like I’m making excuses?
In the bed*