Kate says . . .
Control, control, control. Hmm what wife does not like control in her life? The absence of control is a sense of chaos and disarray. From a very early age in life, we learn what control is. We experience our parents exerting their authority and control over us. We learn what we have control over and what we don’t. We also learn how to manipulate things, hoping to get what we want, which is essence seeking control.
Then we grow up and we learn that being in control of our lives is a good thing. Being “out of control” is bad, reckless, and even dangerous. Many times this leads us to living with fear of loosing control as the main motivation of our choices.
When we get married the desire for and even the need for control does not go away. Often it even intensifies. We come from different families, with different expectations and different ways to seek and fight for control.
Control In Your Sex Life?
One of the areas that control threatens to wreak havoc is in our sexual intimacy. There are almost always differences in what a husband and a wife desire and are expecting from sex in marriage. Whether those differences are from experience or from what you have read and heard-it is common that husband and wife are thinking different things. Some of that is because God made women and men different. These differences (nature and nurture) and presuppositions can be blended together for a beautiful one flesh journey. Yet often times they drive a wedge in the relationship. For Brad and I, there were different levels of desire and understanding as well as poor communication that led to the wedge and walls being built up.
Many times the spouse with the lower sex drive tends to have the control over the couple’s sexual intimacy. Too many times the lower drive spouse can use this control to keep things arranged in the way that works best for their desire level. They control the time and place for sex and even the amount of touch in the relationship. I will say, that for anyone who loves their spouse deeply and has struggled with desire . . . it is not considered “great fun” to lord over the sexual relationship.
A spouse with low sex drive who is controlling sex also:
- Knows that something is wrong and that they should talk about it with their spouse.
- Knows they should seek a doctor’s advice.
- Knows they are causing a wedge in their one flesh connection and it makes them very sad.
- Often does not understand their own body enough and should seek to educate themselves.
- Knows they have “control” in sexual intimacy and that it is unhealthy
- Feels like a huge disappointment.
- Wants things to improve and be different.
So how do we change and give up the control? Well take the list above and all that apply to you.
If you need to see your doctor, do so!
Talk to your doctor! Yes it is embarrassing, but a life without your spouse and the physical blessing God has give us is and should be far more frightening. You, your spouse and your marriage are worth the time, energy and bit of embarrassment. For moms out there, we overcame great embarrassment to give birth to our children, because we would do a great deal for our kids. Your willingness to do whatever it takes to share sex with your hubby, should be above and beyond what you would do with for your kids. Radical, I know, but it is how I feel and what the Bible teaches.
Get Educated!
If you need to educate yourself on your body and the way that God created it, check out The Marriage Bed’s site, they have fantastic information.
Wanting to change and changing are two different things
You have to be committed to changing. You need to focus on doing what you need to do, so that healing and growth can happen. Write down your vision for change and the steps you plan to take. Find a women who you can share them with, pray with and be held accountable. Don’t struggle alone. Don’t just say you want to change, do it!
Talk to your Hubby
This one is for every wife out there. When issues with sex arise in your marriage, and they will I promise you, talk to your hubby. Seek to talk to him as soon as you can, don’t wait. Time makes you question yourself and usually with difficult subjects it gets put off until it never happens. Talk about your struggles and where your goal. Talk about your feelings. Whether you are low desire and controlling sex or are the higher desire partner and feeling rejected! Try not to get stuck in pointing fingers and blame. Look to the future, not the past.
Have you struggled with controlling sex in your marriage?
If so, how have you stepped up and given up owning all of the control? Share with us other steps so that we can learn too!
Speaking out for men everywhere I would like to add to this excellent post.
According to Kinsey Statistics, 72% of married women over the age of thirty have their husbands on a STARVATION DIET OF SEX ONCE A WEEK OR LESS! The average man needs sexual relief 3-4 times a week. This is actually a form of sexual bullying on the part of the wife. When you force your husband to masturbate alone it breeds real resentment on the part of the husband.
Sadly it is not all the wife’s fault. She has learned from the time that she was a little girl from her church and her parents that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that: “good girls don’t do it”. This causes most women real ambivalence over fully embracing and celebrating her sexuality yielding a huge amount of guilt and inhibitions that only serve Satan.
Also we live in such a Puritannical society that there is no “school for sex” to teach men how to give their wives great sex. Wives often feel used like a piece of meat and have little satisfaction from the sex act and treats it like one of her chores on her to do list.
It is for these reasons that I am publishing a book based upon the Bible entitled: SEX EDUCATION FOR ADULTS, SECRETS TO AMAZING SEX AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER TOO.
John Wilder
John,
thank you for your comment. As Kate stated over control in sexual relationship is a problem. However I have a few points in your comment I would like to disagree with.
A lack of sexual intimacy in marriage does not “force” a husband to masturbate. Jesus never said, if you lust with a woman in your mind it is adultery, unless your wife doesn’t give you sex more then once a week. There is no asterix around sexual sin.
I’m not sure where you got the statistic that an average man needs “relief” 3 to 4 times per week. I do not believe that is accurate. There is a huge variety in what both men and women feel is fulfilling in their sex life. No study could ever come up with one figure as average, as it changes dramatically throughout a man’s lifetime.
Throughout your comment you talk about sex as something that is needed. I understand that there can be philological “pressure” that does build up, however we are also creatures of self-control. I have found this attitude about sex to be unproductive. Women do not want to feel like vessels to hold man’s sexual desire. No wife will feel good about meeting his sexual demands.
The message that we try to send is that God designed sex and intimacy as much more then the physical. In this physical time there is a profound connection that CAN happen.
In my journey as a husband, through times of frequent and infrequent sex it is this connection that happens through sex that is truly amazing. It is in seeking this connection, not in just seeking release that true intimacy happens.
John,
I wanted to add. I actually totally agree with you about the impacts of America’s puritanical roots. We still have a culture that is frightned by sex. Our churches don’t want to talk about it. Parents only give the message don’t do it. And we are taught only to feel shame about our sexual urges. We are never taught about the profound mystery that God designed within the One Flesh connection.
We are never told reasons that we are supposed to wait for marriage, only that we should. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in waiting. But not in waiting as a sacrifice, I believe that God asks us to wait because sex in marriage is an amplification of what sex can be! It might feel good, outside of marriage, but it is designed to be the glue to cements His design of the One Flesh connection.
Thank you again for your comments and getting the conversation started today.
Eh, John, speak for yourself. If you’re really telling the truth to begin with. I am so sick and tired of reading this common Pharisee-type argument. Yes there is physiological pressure, AND MOST NORMAL MEN DO NEED TO RELIEVE IT. People like you need to stop trying to make men feel “guilty” or “less than spiritual” for having the need to release this pressure.
It is bad enough when a man finds himself married to a woman who is not fulfilling the Biblical vow she agreed to. “Her body is no longer her own, but belongs to her husband” (and vice versa). Yes, it’s in the Bible. What ISN’T in the Bible, by the way, is any statement saying “thou shalt not masturbate.”
When there is tension in a marriage because a wife isn’t living up to her side of the bargain, it is that wife who could benefit from some loving confrontation. The husband does not deserve to have guilt heaped upon sexual starvation. It is unfair and it is WRONG.
Sorry, I was addressing my ealier comment to Brad, not to John, and in particular to such statements as ” I understand that there can be philological “pressure” that does build up, however we are also creatures of self-control.” Of course that should be obvious from the content of my post. I fully agree with John’s assertion regarding the male physiological need. More people, like John, need to speak up and continue to refute the “Brads” of the world. And preferably to educate WIVES on the importance of marital sex as well – preferably before they get married. The type of woman who thinks sex is a chore or a baby-making tool which can be disposed of except a few times a year at her own convenience doesn’t have any moral right to get married in the first place. Men don’t get married to be roommates. They get married with the expectation of sex.
Hi Joe, this is Kate chiming in!
The issue is not whether or not you masturbate, the issue is lust and what you do when you are not getting enough sexual intimacy within your marriage. When you are masturbating, where is your mind going? You are correct that the Bible does not specifically address the issue, but it does however talk about lusting in your mind. If you are fantasizing about other women or viewing porn, then that is your sin-regardless of what your wife is or is not doing.
We have many spouses come to us asking what they should do when their spouse is controlling sex and withholding. The first thing that I share with all spouses (male or female) is this: you are going to answer to God one day about your part in this marriage. Your spouse will have to answer for theirs. I beleive they will have to answer for withholding sex. I believe it is a sin! But you too are going to have to answer to how you responded to that in your marriage. Did you continue to love her like Christ loves the church or submit and respect him as you would to Christ. You will have to answer for you. Your responce! Does that make it fair and just-nope! But life with sin works that way!
I am a wife who struggled with controling sex, as I have admitted on many occassions. I have asked forgiveness of God and my hubby. I know see the hurt, shame and damage I have done. That is why I wrote this post! I share with women all over, openly, that I made this mistake. Yet I never thought sex was only for making babies or a chore. I just couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want it. Not every women feels this way! I craved that connection with my hubby. Yet, I had lack of desire. Don’t be so quick to judge as you have accused my hubby of! Women with desire issues are coming at it from many different backgrounds, expereince and angles. I needed to change-no question! Praise God I was open and God did a work in my heart. We now look nothing like that couple anymore and have a healthy, regular sex life. Brad will also share that he had a lot of growing up and changing to do. It is a two way street and our one flesh connection needed to be nurtured on many levels by both of us. Lack of sex is HUGE, but it is not the only thing killing a marriage! If a marriage is sexless, then there are other issues there as well and anyone who tells you differently is decieving themselves.
On a personal note: We want to talk openly and honestly on this blog. Share our story and how God has brought hope and healing. We also want to be true to God’s Word. We have no problem with the fact that you disagree with us-in fact this kind of conversation is great. Yet, when you start name calling and making assumptions about my husband because of one comment, I struggle with that. Argue with what we said, up, down and backwards! But don’t throw nasty remarks out about us, please! It simply is not kind, nor do I believe it is the way Christ wants us to treat one another.
We feel a strong calling to talk openly with husbands and wives. Specifically educating them about sex and intimacy. We believe it is the top reason for issues in marriage, even above finances! I agree with you completely that women need more education and it needs to be frank! So do men! The church is doing a horrible job talking about sex and the beauty and freedom God intended for that “glue” in marriage. Sex is not a want in life (though many of us want it), it is a NEED and God designed it that way.
Thanks again for sharing, we really do appreciate it! Feel free to respond in a respectful manor, we’d love to hear more of your thoughts and story! Blessings, Kate
Joe,
I’m interested, you say, “men don’t get married to be roommates, they get married with the expectations of sex.” I agree with that statement, but at the same time what do you think women get married for? I don’t think it was with the expectation of being roommates either.
The difference here is that I take the lack of sexual intimacy in marriage to be an indication of larger issues. Simply throwing up your hands and “taking matters into your own hands” does not even address these larger issues.
Unless you can honestly say you have done what you as a husband are biblically called to do for your wife, (i.e. show her love like Christ shows you) then I’m not sure that you can honestly say she is breaking her Biblical command either.
God designed men and women to have different experiences in sexual desire. That was his plan. For a reason! And no that reason was not to drive men crazy. It was because we need to figure out RELATIONSHIP in order to make it work.
I encourage you to read my follow up post (The 6 Step No Guilt Game Plan to More Sex) for more on this topic.
I also want to make a comment, most women these days also have to deal with menopause which cause us not to a have a sex drive at all. and yes this is hurting my marriage, i love my husband and the vows does say sickness and health
I so agree with this…neither spouse should be controlling the sexual aspect of marriage either by withholding sex or demanding it. I do have an issue with wives saying they can only have sex if they feel in the mood because like, you said, it keeps the sex life entirely at their whim instead of being for mutual benefit.
I do have to slightly disagree with the commenter though…no wife is “forcing” a husband to masturbate. Sure, I need to be considering his needs and desires (really, above my own if I’m not going to be selfish), but the husband still has the responsibility to maintain self-control. Wording it like that is putting the wife entirely in control of her husband’s (debateably sinful) actions.
And a Puritannical society??? I don’t know where you live, but I live in in an oversexed society where every little detail about sex is talked about by men and women on tv shows, radio shows, books, magazines, etc. If a man doesn’t know how to please his wife, it’s for lack of communication between the two of them, not because they lack technical information on how to do it.
Just wanted to say that I agree with everything in this comment. Nothing left to add.=)
“There is always a low desire partner, just as there is always a high desire partner—and there is one of each in every relationship.”
Schnarch, David (2011-07-01). Intimacy & Desire (p. 9). Midpoint Trade Books. Kindle Edition.
“The [low desire partner] controls sex, whether he or she likes it or not!”
Schnarch, David (2011-07-01). Intimacy & Desire (p. 15). Midpoint Trade Books. Kindle Edition.
How we deal with these facts say a lot about us.
And, the low desire partner is NOT always the wife. All men are not created with the same sex drive and all women created with the same lower sex drive relative to all men. A low desire male or woman in one relationship is just as likely to be the higher desire partner if they married differently.
That is true
I definitely fall into many of the bullet points listed, but I don’t feel like I do control things willfully. I want my husband to be the leader and initiator and by me stepping into that role I get resentful and feel like it is just my duty…I want him to want me and pursue me out of love..it is his loss if he doesn’t…
Sarah- I can understand that you want your husband to pursue you out of love. However, your statement that it is his loss if he doesn’t is simply incorrect. Your marriage is the one suffering and that means both of you. Beyond the physical pleasure that you may not even know that you are missing out on, the connection in your marriage is inhibited and likely withering.
Please do not take this as an attack. This is something my own bride/marriage is in the process of realizing. We are both vastly more happy outside of the bedroom because the issues inside are beginning to lessen. I really has brought us much closer together with eachother and God.
Jason- I agree with everything you said. In fact, I have said that “If I were to force my sexual desires upon my wife it would be considered rape and I would go to jail. However, I was expected to just except her forcing a lack of intimacy on me.” The resulting emotional turmoil of knowing that my wife would rather do ANYTHING other than have sex with me caused a deep depression, dispair and resentment. I ended up in a very dark place, thinking constantly of suicide, drinking way too much to dull the pain and filled with self hatred.
Today I thank God daily for guiding me through that time because I’m here to tell you that things can improve. My wife and I are in the process of repairing the smoldering wreck our marriage had become. We are closer now than we have ever been both with each other and with God. It sounds like you are struggling right now and my heart goes out to you. I pray that you and your bride can come together and experience the amazing gift God intended to be. My wife and I just beginning this journey but we are proof it can happen.
I understand wanting him to be the leader, but when it comes to sex we ALL want to feel desired and persued. Have you ever talked to your husband about this, do you think he feels desired by you? When he does pursue you what is your usual response? Has he been turned down so many times he’s given up? Or are you the one who has been turned down one too many times? Just throwing out some thoughts from a different perspective.
I am the HD spouse so I know what it’s like to be on the refused end and nothing about it makes you feel loved or desired. Thankfully, we are in a great place now and have much, mutally enjoyable sex
. God is good, all the time!
Sarah – I have to say (sadly, from experience) that eventually after many refusals or half-hearted instances of blandly being provided a place to “get off”, many men see the rejection for what it is and cease to pursue their lovers. I am not justifying it, saying that husbands don’t play equal part in the problem. But after awhile we can be trained not to ask.
Jason-The deprived
I totally agree with your comment, many men do give up asking for sex. OR at least asking in a positive way. We might still use guilt, or begging, or anger; but none of these actually lead to what we really desire. Mutually desirable sexual intimacy. I know that sounds like a complete dream. But Jason, it you took out 1 word in that last sentence (sexual) I bet your wife would say she is looking for it too. She might be seeking mutual intimacy. Check out the Sexual Intimacy for Husband’s articles listed in the OFM Library for some more info on this!
Thanks for commenting!
Brad
Wonderful, wonderful post! Lots of truth and food for thought.
Most of the healing that is needed in our relationships comes from keeping the lines of communication open and active between each partner. Once those are down or the message is garbled, all sorts of heartache arises.
Thanks so much for this insightful article.
Sarah please do not take this the wrong way, but everyone of your sentences started with I. One flesh includes our spouse in every aspect. We have totally lost true christianity when the fear of the LORD is not visible. Marriages of christians is a picture of the Gospel. Do we not think that GOD’S design of marriage is important enough that the bible starts and ends with a marriage. We all will have to give an account to THE ALMIGHTY I AM of how we loved the spouse he gave us. Besides that isn’t GOD worthy of our best? Is not the spouse you chose who now forsakes everyone else on the planet for you worth your best. We are told to glorify GOD in our bodies,our marriage bed is the best place to worship the LORD and die to oneself and live for him and bless our spouses. Blessings.
I do agree with your comment, we need to more considerate of one another as well. Sex is definitely a heartache in my marriage and I want God to work on me as well as my husband, please pray our strenght and the Lord. Anthony & Terri.
Thanks
It’s harder when I”m the one with the stronger drive (the female) … I told hubby last PLEASE go ahead and ASK me … I have never told him NO … lol … I guess I want to feel that desire from him … instead of feeling like the predator all the time?
Oh I’m keenly aware that the issue is complex and fully involves both of us… but I can’t always be the one trying to fix things… we have had many talks by my initiation and sadness and nothing really changes… i need the emotional intimaccy to feel connected for sex…I would be happy with sex 4x a week but he doesn’t pursue/ask/barely hint at all… so it’s usually 1x a week when he finally does and of course I agree..or i finally pursue him but knowing the situation still sucks and nothing has changed and no intimacy has been retained…yes we are in a tough place…
Sarah,
Thank you for bringing in a very important perspective. I appreciate your comments.
Guys- Don’t miss the fact that Sarah said something is lacking for her too! She is lacking emotional intimacy. Don’t overlook this while you are seeking answers for missing sexual intimacy in your marriage. And if you don’t know what emotional intimacy means, or how to get there it doesn’t mean you get to ignore it! Check out the OFM library, there are some good articles under the Emotional intimacy tab that might give some ideas.
John Wilder & other men who spoke here,
I am a woman who wants sex at least 2-3x more frequently than my husband.
And no, we don’t have children and yes, we are newlyweds (1.5 years). We also did not have sex together before marriage (not for lack of desire!!).
However, in marriage things have changed and I don’t understand why. I have sometimes nearly begged my husband because I want to feel close to him. Please do NOT assume that men are always the higher-drive spouse and being “punished” by us wives. I personally do not understand why a woman would spurn her husband in this way, but I also know that I have a higher drive than the average gal and I also don’t think many men are as kind & loving as my husband, which is often where a woman’s desire to have sex stems from (her emotional/ personal connection with her man).
I’m not sure how to deal w/ this problem from my standpoint because yes, I do feel like my husband controls our sex lives. I am genuinely shocked & pleased when he initiates. It makes me sad because never did I anticipate our marriage would be like this. I always figured my future husband would be delighted that I desired intimacy so much. It never occurred to me that I would be turned down this much. I guard our sleep and strains on our time so he can have the energy, and I am very playful and fun in this area.
To be fair to my wonderful man, he still has sex with me at least a couple times a week, sometimes more! But what can a wife in my position do to encourage her husband to take the lead in this way… and to quit controlling this side of their relationship? Is it a respect issue? I don’t understand.
Thanks, a married woman
Have you suggested hubby go see a doc? Maybe his testosterone is low? Or perhaps he doesn’t think he’s doing a good job? I know mine, even after 21 years he still apologizes for stuff … it’s like seriously, just let it go, no biggie, it’s all good as long as I’m getting it … lol … don’t give up honey … there are answers out there for him … maybe it’s self esteem or something like that? IT is very hard when it’s the wife that wants it over the hubby being the horn dog … and it’s that way in my relationship … until I finally told hubby … hey buckwheat I need you BAD and MORE of you … he got the message and was and is more than happy to comply he just always felt he was “pestering” me … and I told him have I ever told you NO … and he said well no you haven’t … then I said what is the hold up buddy! lol
Keep your chin up, there has to be a reason or solution to this … was it this way from day one after you got married?
It’s unfortunate there is much misinformation about the intensity and power of the female sex drive, especially in the Christian sub-culture.
Also, if you or your husband think it’s necessary, sure, he should see a doctor. However, it could be that your husband is a healthy man who just so happens to be the lower drive spouse. There doesn’t have to be a health issue, sin, etc. he may simply be the lower drive spouse in your relationship. It is just as likely that he would be the higher drive spouse married if to a different woman.
May you both find the grace in Christ to graciously negotiate your journey together through this beautiful, messy thing of life and marriage.
MW, don’t know what to tell you. Years and kids will likely take care of your high drive. That has been my experience in marriage anyway. I have read books, prayed, loved and served, even beyond what was comfortable. What we have is a intimate relationship that is characterized by, “as little as I can get away with.” It hurts, it is depressing. When I start to feel bitter, like I have been recently, I force myself to leave loving FB posts or buy flowers (with no intent for receiving anything). There is no remedy to sooth the hurt from sexual disappointment. I live with a smoldering, consuming disappointment. It is a constant struggle. Maybe just maybe this is a blessing because it forces me to be in prayer (likely more than I would be otherwise). I pray that you and your man can meet each other and give lovingly. That is my desire for all of us.
[...] trips are based in truth. In her post “Controlling Sex“, Kate wrote, “Many times the spouse with the lower sex drive tends to have the control [...]