Are You Sexually Selfish?

Kate says . . .

Do you think Adam and Eve had to work at sexual compatibility? Do you think there were times of confusion and differences? I think so, they were human after all. They just weren’t bogged down by a sinful nature. Adam and Eve did not experience the sin of selfishness. When Adam had a need, Eve was willing to work to meet that need. When Eve had a need, Adam did likewise. They weren’t afraid to talk about things, share what they desired and what was on their hearts.

I love what Brad shared in his post Are We Sexually Incompatible?

“With the exception of severe physical complications I do not believe that any couple is actually sexually incompatible. On the other hand I’m not sure that any couple is actually perfectly sexually compatible.”

I agree, although I feel that with time, attention, love and respect during sexual intimacy we can get as close to sexually compatible as possible in a fallen world. The truth is ladies, we are sinful, broken people. I know, shocker, right? Sin makes us sexually incompatible. Thinking about marriage before and after sin helps to understand how sin gets in the way.

I would wager that we all feel sexually incompatible with our hubby at times. I believe God designed us differently so that we would work together all the years of our marriage. We need to work together to protect and nurture sexual intimacy, not to make it more difficult.

As wives we struggle with selfish desires, every human does. Selfishness and sin can make sex really hard. Emotions and raw feelings are involved with sex. Walls end up being built when we cannot adequately express what we are thinking and feeling. Then sex, one of the biggest blessings God created in marriage, becomes a source of tension and marital discord.

How do we combat sexual incompatibility? How do we work towards that place where we are as sexually compatible as possible?

Check Your Own Selfishness

I don’t know about your, but I usually know when I am being selfish. When I am trying to work things out so that I get what I want, I am thinking of no one but myself. I may even tell myself that I have thought of everyone else ALL day long and I deserve this time for me.

You may deserve that time and you many even need it, but our goal as wives is to put our husbands needs and desires before our own. Yes, in turn he should be doing the same for you-but I am not talking to him, I am talking to you! Start thinking to yourself, when you are groaning inwardly about wanting what you want, “am I being selfish”? Whether you are a wife who desires more sex and intimacy with your hubby or struggles to want it at all, you need to check your selfishness.

 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3 NLT)

Speak Truth through Love

If I am overwhelmed from the day, too tired and I really just want to sit and read; my selfish nature wants to manipulate things so that my hubby will not pursue me. There are many issues with this, the most poignant being that I am lying. Let’s call it what it is, ladies! I would like to avoid a confrontation so I work the situation so that we avoid the availability for sex and I get what I want.

This was something I commonly did in the past. Instead of speaking truth into my marriage and working through the issues, selfishness let me ignore it all together.


  • Sometimes we are too tired and we need to say that nicely to our husbands.
  • Sometimes we need more intimate time with our hubby, we also need to speak that truth in love.

Manipulating and avoiding truth is lying. This selfishness doesn’t improve communication or sexual intimacy. Make a vow to speak truth in love to your hubby. It is what God asks of us!

But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. (James 3:14-16 NLT)

Sexual Compatibility Doesn’t Have to Look like “Her” Sexual Compatibility

Don’t waist another moment comparing your sexual compatibility with that of your friends marriages. Friends can be a source of encouragement to you and can help to give you practical advice, but their marriage is not your marriage. Every marriage is unique-also how God designed it! Friends should be an encouragement and a resource, not a place of comparison.

Do you still desire the marriage you did on your wedding day?

On that special day, we have waited so long for we have such hopes and dreams for marriage. As newly weds we start to figure out that sharing life with someone is wonderful, but different then we imagined. If you are finding yourself to be sexual incompatible in your marriage, either a little or a lot . . . my question is “do you still desire the marriage you did on your wedding day?”

In-bedded in those dreams are sometimes unrealistic fairy tale expectations. Pre-wedding dreams hold a reality where you enjoy each other sexually and are moving forward on your one flesh journey. These desires for dreamy sexual intimacy is a good dream. Don’t stop trying to get there. Work on your selfishness and be the change you want to see in your own marriage.

Do you feel you have struggled with sexual incompatibility in your marriage?

What have you do to work to better connection and compatibility?

Photo © [Mat Hayward] / []

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One Response to Are You Sexually Selfish?

  1. Hi Livinginblurredlines, Thank you for sharing this. It is so nice to hear of someone who handed it over to God, obeyed and found blessing in that. It is not easy, but I do beleive if more people tried, marriages would look a whole lot different! I hope others see your comments and are encouraged to do so! Thanks again! Blessings, Kate