Help, My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!

To celebrate OFM’s 2nd birthday we are answering the top 6 reader’s questions:
The #1 Question – What can I do when my spouse doesn’t want to have sex?

Kate says…

Yup, you guessed it, the #1 question we are asked by One Flesh Marriage readers is, “What do I do when my spouse doesn’t want to have sex?” Does it surprise you that we get this question from BOTH husbands and wives? Wives who desire more sex then their husbands -are real. As with any sexual intimacy issues, things get emotional and very hard. So what is a wife who wants more sex with her hubby to do?

In this post I’m going to talk to the wives who don’t know what to do when their husband leaves them sexually unfulfilled. (Don’t worry guys; Brad is going to answer the same question for sexually frustrated husbands tomorrow.)

I share with all wives who write to us and ask this question, “I wish there was an easy answer or a quick fix that I could give you to make things different in your marriage and sexual intimacy.” Sadly there isn’t  Every marriage is unique just as every individual is. Yet there are a few things you can do to encourage growth in all areas of your marriage and intimacy. As you grow in intimacy sex, or at least dealing with sexual issues, becomes easier.

Seek to serve your hubby in other ways.

Find ways to do things for your hubby that really speak love and respect to him. What does he enjoy? Find ways to share those things with him. When you desire the closeness that sexual intimacy brings it can be hard, but building other areas of intimacy will help you from creating walls and gaps in your marriage.

Talk openly and honestly with your hubby

It is never an easy for a wife to talk openly with her husband about why sex disappeared from the marriage. It is equally difficult for her to share her desire to have more sexual intimacy with her husband. It might be hard, but always it is so important. You need to share with your hubby how you are feeling and how you want to see your marriage grow in ways that will bring you closer. Do not suffer in silence.

At the same time you need to avoid communicating in a way that will only cause pain and discord. Be careful not to start a war of pointing fingers and blame. Remember that desiring sex and fulfilling his wife’s sexual needs, is in his mind part of being a “man”. As you talk openly make sure to lift him up.

The truth is you both have a part in the issue, even if one of you started it. For your hubby to be receptive, you need to be willing to own up to your part and be willing to work on that.

You need to be able to listen to how your hubby feels and why he may think he is struggling. Most spouses who struggle with desire know that they have a problem but they are embarrassed and unsure how to seek the help they need.

Seek help from your church

Seek to find a married couple or pastoral couple who can meet with you both and help you navigate through these waters. Perhaps they will have experience or know of other resources for you to try. They can guide you through the scriptures and pray with you. Struggling alone is not a good thing by any means. As hard as it may be to be vulnerable, once you share, I believe the benefits of that relationship will be a blessing. I think it is fine to share in a letter or email for the first time. It can be a bit less awkward and then the couple knows some of what is going on before meeting.

Remember that you are responsible for you

This is always a hard for people to hear. Yet the reality is that you are responsible and ultimately will have to answer before God one day for how you have handled yourself. When you are frustrated and feel justified in wanting to throw up your hands, remember that God still calls you to be the wife of His word! He never said it would be easy. What he did promise was to be with us through all of it. When our husbands are not there for us in the ways we need, God can meet our every need. I know, that sounds so easy to think but so hard to do. Yet it is also very true. If we are lacking anything in our marriage, we need to continue to love and respect our husband as God calls and to lean on Him for any of the needs that are not being met.

There is always HOPE

No one wants to go through their marriage feeling as if they are in a barren desert with no way out. If you are currently camping in that desert, remember that our God is faithful and he desires for your marriage to grow out of the barren place.

You are not alone. There are others whose marriages are struggling with similar issues. Also there are others who have gone before you and have experienced healing in their marriage. There is great hope in God’s plan for marriage. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the lies that are fed to you daily. Hold on to Jesus!

If you are a wife and are currently struggling with desiring more sex then your hubby, how are you moving forward in a positive way?

If you are a wife who has been there in the past, how did you and your hubby overcome these hurdles? 

This is post #11 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October.

54 Responses to Help, My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
  1. Carla
    October 12, 2012 | 6:20 am

    My husband is addicted to porn! He knows it bothers me and says he going to quit. But it’s been 22 years and hasn’t quit yet! I also think he is chatting live web cam with women online and maybe even meeting them! I just want to leave because I don’t trust him. He is a very nice person other than his sexual perversion! He says there nothing wrong with looking not touching but if you looking enough your going to touch! He doesn’t want me to leave he thinks we will be together forever! Half time he can’t have sex because of probably ha ing it with some one else! Just ready to give up but still have one child at home in highs school

    • livinginblurredlines
      October 12, 2012 | 9:03 am

      My story is a little different in that my husband wanted to have sex (though not as much as me) but stopped taking the time and effort to make sure I was pleasured. Sex dwindled to 2-4 minutes from him jumping on me, climaxing, and rolling over and going to sleep. Wham bam without even the thank you ma’am. 3 years of this!

      I tried a bunch of different ways to get him to understand that what he was doing was hurting me, him and the marriage. I tried to gently point him in the right direction. I wrote him little notes to the point. I dropped land mine hints. I wrote a heartfelt e-mail. I even out and out asked. Nothing.

      During this trial I fell into the temptation of masturbating, sometimes 6 times a day! And I started looking at porn. I avoided looking at the men, but instead looked at the act often the things I wish he’d do to me. I’m not saying that was right, or better, but my intent wasn’t to replace hubby, but I was so longing for hubby to do those things to me! I HATED the porn, but was so starving! It’s like a dog who’s so hungry they eat feces!

      My world came tumbling down when I discovered that hubby was looking up porn, specifically porn that included his teenage fantasy woman (of which I do not fit the description of). He also bought a mainstream DVD series that is pretty much porn. I also discovered some texts he wrote to a friend of his about his friend’s girlfriend such as that he wanted his friend to screw her for him and he liked staring at her breasts. I never approaching him on any of this because of my guilt for looking at porn myself. That broke me of my porn use.

      Then, I caught him masturbating several times when I was ready, eager and willing to have sex with him but was temporarily delayed by the needs of one of our children. I would come back in the room and there he was going at it without me. I pretended not to notice since I was so guilty of masturbating myself, often leaving bed in the middle of the night to go out on the sofa and take care of myself.

      I fell to pieces. I fell apart in a horrible way and cried out to God. I started a campaign of prayer, but I was still caught up in the pain and suffering of not having been given an orgasm by hubby in 3 years. Hubby’s porn use stopped suddenly, though he still has that stupid DVD and he stopped masturbating. In fact, he stopped having sex with me, too! I was beside myself. Now, I wasn’t getting anything and he didn’t care!

      I couldn’t hold my emotions in anymore, but I didn’t want to talk to hubby. God softened his heart or something because hubby came swooping down and opening himself up to find out what was wrong. He rattled off a list of what he thought I was upset about. Not one word on our sex life. I finally told him and he basically said that he had no interest in sex anymore, that it took too long for me to climax (even though I told him that I can’t help my physiology – that’s how women are made…btw…it averages 10-20 minutes orally and manually), he said he refuses to take the time to bring me to climax and sex shouldn’t be a 40 minute marathon! I was devastated. I countered that sex shouldn’t be a 4 minute wham bam, either.

      Despite that proverbial punch in the gut, he was amazingly sweet, supportive and loving to me. I continued in prayer and the Lord urged me to put everything EVERYTHING in His hands and to not worry about it anymore. To just live and love. That was hard!

      When I was still shattered, hubby arranged for us to be together longer and we talked off and on. It was clear that sex was off the table and it was actually nice to be not have that hanging over our heads, even though I was still starving to death for climax. Every time I started in with the “yeah, buts” to God, He would stop me with “trust me, wait.” Before we had to part for hubby’s work week, he suggested in a loving and caring way that we refrain from sex until we were both healed. I agreed and put my trust in the Lord even though deep down I was panicking that we’d never have sex again. I felt like we were going backwards when in reality we were going forward.

      When hubby returned from his work week, I was determined to love him, have non-sexual fun with him, cuddle him and present myself as his unconditionally loving spouse with absolutely no pressure for sex. I even wore my “no sex” pj’s to bed, just to be sure he understood that I wasn’t trying to tease him with my usual satin sleepwear. Well, the next morning, he surprised me with sex that was everything I dreamed it would be for the past 3 years! I literally had to stop repeating “praise the Lord, thank you God” in my head so I could concentrate on what he was doing!

      The next week, EVEN BETTER!

      While I still don’t know what was going on in hubby’s head, I did understand that because I was pursuing him constantly because I was so starved, it turned him off. It wasn’t about making love with him anymore, it was about getting my orgasm. I still don’t know why he stopped making sure I was pleasured and why he decided 7 years into our marriage that he didn’t want to take the time to really make love to me. Whatever it was, it hurt him so much, too, that sex was just release for him, hence the wham bams.

      Now, I feel like we actually make love!

      There are still hiccups…he still owns that stupid DVD and looked up the next season of it. I found Maxim magazine slips in the trash can, too, though his phone and computer are still free of porn.

      This past weekend, we made love twice but it was more like it was before sex turned to the wham bams….no foreplay, but sex was slower, but I don’t get to orgasm. I wanted to panic, but God told me to have patience and trust in Him. I believe hubby needed to know that I was willing to forgo the effort of my having an orgasm to focus on him, too. At one point during sex, he said, “Is it my turn now?” I said, “hon, the WHOLE time was your turn!” It showed me that we have a lot of miscommunication still about sex. I was working my tail off (no pun intended) to bring him pleasure, but he thought I was going at it on him for my own pleasure.

      Anyhow, enough TMI, but I think it is vital that those of us who are comfortable speaking about sex in marriage do because there are so many out there with questions and they face people who aren’t comfortable and then they don’t get answers and support they need.

      Anyhow, again: I believe that sex problems in marriage are a symptom, not a disease. The disease is something else. Pray to God to bring that disease forward to be dealt with and the symptom will go away.

      I did seek help outside of our marriage, but didn’t really get any. I had some support. I tried some suggestions, but nothing worked. What worked was God. God became my counselor. God became our healer. Even still, as I said, we still have hiccups, but everything is taken to God now.

      And this, as far as I know, is only on my end! Imagine if my hubby went to God, too! I pray he does! I feel like mind-blowing, hotter than anything under the sun sex is in store for us! Sex so great that everything else is but a shadow of sin and disgust. Sex so great that those movies, porn, other people, text messages, what have you are trampled underfoot by it and no longer pose a temptation. Sex so great that solo masturbation is no longer needed, but is replaced by exploration and mutuality. Sex so great that the past fades into a distant memory like a cheesy B-movie you forget about almost as soon as you watch it. Sex so great that we finally go on a honeymoon, desire date nights, adventure and relish time with each other. Sex so great that neither of us are hindered by lies about our value and worth.

      It can happen. God wants to heal! But the fact is, God wants us to heal in HIM first…and perhaps even only. Only HE can provide complete fulfillment. While I pray and look forward to the mind blowing sex, I am also praying and moving towards a relationship with God that makes sex pale in comparison…if you catch my drift. :)

      • Sandra Houtz
        October 12, 2012 | 3:53 pm

        Thank you for your candor and honesty … I see some parallels in my story and yours except I have never seen hubby do it for himself and he told me he never did even as a teenager! I recently got some “toys” that came with free DVD’s and he has actually asked to have them on while we are in the bedroom … didn’t quite have the nerve to ask why but did it and we just giggled about it as it as a DVD explaining oral sex … well after 21 years we have that down to pretty much a science and don’t need instructions LOL … he has always worried/and always has waited for me to go first if he can … sometimes he goes first which is fine as long as he can keep going after he’s done and I’m done … I can honestly say after 21 years of marriage and tons of intimacy there has literally only been about 2 or 3 times that I couldn’t and that was due in part to some post op pain meds … lol … I love how you gave it to God and let him heal your relationship :) I have asked hubby if it’s sacreligious if I cry out “oh my God” when things explode … lol … I would hope God would see it as a huge compliment … after all He is the one that created this :)

      • Kate
        October 18, 2012 | 7:27 pm

        Thank you truly for sharing this! It is a beautiful testimony! :) God making beauty out of ashes, just like he did for us! Brings joy, huge joy! Thanks for being willing to put your story out there! Blessings, Kate

      • Liz
        June 14, 2013 | 3:48 pm

        Thank you Livinginblurredlines. Thank you and thank you. I’ve just been crying all day. I see parts of my story in yours. I too believe God is the answer. But it IS hard to just “live & love” as you say. I start a ‘prayer campaign’ as you say, and then it stops.
        Also, I’m a newlywed & in my 40’s. We both want to have a baby too & so there is that added worry/stress.
        God is the counsellor & teacher for me too – it’s been like that in my past too.
        Anyway, thank you for your email.

      • Kayla
        April 27, 2014 | 11:21 pm

        My husband’s sex drive has dwindled from last year. It started when he was promoted to assistant manager. Then we got married, then he was made manager, then his schedule changed so he didn’t get to see his daughter every weekend like he used to for the 5 years before that, and now we’re pregnant.
        He’s an amazing man, sex aside. He’s a wonderful father, and husband. He takes care of me in other ways than sexually. He cleans house, takes care of his daughter and his ex’s oldest son from a different man, which shows me that he’s quite a family man, something that puts my heart at ease. He does little things for me to show me he loves me.
        He went to the doctor recently, who told him that his lack of sex drive is because of all the changes in the past year. In a little over one year, all of those things I listed above happened. He has also been tested for low testosterone, but the doctor didn’t believe that was it. The results aren’t back yet, he just went last week.
        The doctor said his sex drive should be back to normal in about the same amount of time that the changes took place… So a little over a year. It’s been about half that time. I’ve been patient, not understanding, because I don’t understand how a man can have no sex drive but look at porn, and I feel very unloved solely because he refuses to have sexual intercourse with me. The doctor told him to get rid of the porn, he agreed, said flat out that it’s done, he’s done with porn, but he’s said that before. And what search would you do for the results of “ass to mouth”??? On his phone, he searches for things like “18 and abused” and crap like that. Then tells me he doesn’t watch porn, and hasn’t for a while. That’s the only thing he’s every lied about!!!!! We are honest with each other, but he lies about that! He’s a good man, but he said he doesn’t look at porn because he finds me unattractive, he sees them as objects, not people.
        I made a commitment to this man. For better or for worse. I meant it. I need prayers. I’ve been praying for months it would get better. I’ve been praying about what I could do better as his wife. I’ve been praying he would stop the porn, and love me instead. It hurts so much, and he doesn’t see how much it kills me each day that he rejects me when I try to initiate sex, or that he looks at porn. I don’t know what to do anymore.
        I’ve thought about masturbation, about infidelity, about open marriage. Just thinking of those things disgusts me. I don’t want any man but my husband. I’ve never masturbated in my life, and thinking about doing so disgusts me. It’s how I was raised. I tried once looking at pornographic images, they did nothing. It’s my love for my husband that makes me want to have sex with him. Not pictures or body images. I’m not criticizing you, or anyone. That is me personally. He’s ripped a hole in my heart, left it gaping, and continues to tear it open further and further every time that he rejects me; every time that he chooses porn over me. I’m sitting here, sobbing as I write this I don’t know what to do anymore I can’t take much more of this!!! I’ve been praying and some days it’s ok and other days I feel like just walking away. Sex for me is not about gratification. I’ve orgasmed maybe twice in my life. Yes, it’s amazing, but what I really care about is that’s my affirmation of love. That’s him telling me, “You’re good enough. I love you. Out of all the women in the world, I chose you, and you’re mine and I’m yours. ” And from the time I got pregnant till I was 15 weeks pregnant we didn’t have sex once. Now I’m at 19 weeks, and we haven’t had any since then. That’s not a long time, if you consider that we didn’t have sex for 4 months. But I just feel SO UNLOVED, even though he’s doing so many things to show me he loves me. I’ve tried taking solace from those things, but I just can’t. Please, God, help me. Someone help me!! 

    • Kate
      October 18, 2012 | 7:24 pm

      Hi Carla! Thanks you so much for writing and sharing where you and your husband are. My heart breaks for your story. So many marriages are touched and affected by porn, sadly we are no exception that! It is hard to work through that, when your hubby does not see it as a problem. He most likely does, but has an addiction and therefore wants to stop, but keeps going back. He justifies it to you because he knows it is wrong. Looking in the way that he is, is definitely not what God wants for him, you or your one flesh union. But you probably don’t need me to tell you all of that. Have you tried speaking with your pastor or a leader at church? Have you tried a Christian counselor? I also would recommend that you sit down and share with your hubby how much this is hurting you and your marriage. From what you have shared I am sure you have done this before. I would do it again and share of your feelings and not pointing fingers. If he does not agree to seeking help with you, I would encourage him that, that is his choice and he cannot exspect you to stay in that environment! I am not suggesting that you divorce (God is for the marriage), yet I am encouraging you to put boundaries in your marriage. Asking him to seek help with you and then explaining that if you two are not going to face the pornography addiction together then you will not be beaten down by it.

      Your hubby is probably having issue with sex, because he is so used to the unrealistic stimulus that porn gives that he cannot become arroused otherwise. That is a huge reality and therefore might be his issue-not an affair, though an affair is a possibility.

      If your hubby does want to seek help, it will be hard for you, but you need to start looking at this battle against porn as you two against the porn! Not your you against your hubby who has a porn addiction. You getting into your hubby’s corner is going to speak volumes to him and have a huge part in the healing process. Truly he probably doesn’t feel worthy of you, because of all the shame he is carrying around. You have a choice to be a balm to his hurting soul (if he chooses to work on this issues). Again, that does not mean you allow yourself to be taken advantage of, you need to set boundaries-and at the same time you can be his biggest cheerleader, who believes in and loves him!

      Lastly I would encourage you to find a women who you can pray with and talk to about all of this. You need a Godly women to keep you accountable and pray with you through this journey! Don’t give up on the hope of God’s plan for marriage. It is good and if you can get past this, you will find that your marriage is more incredible then you ever thought! If you want to talk further, please email me at kate@onefleshmarriage.com Blessings, Kate

  2. Sandra Houtz
    October 12, 2012 | 3:47 pm

    I have been there and through this several times … with me having so many health issues hubby stopped asking and just would wait on me to ask … that gets to be quite annoying … so I finally told him just ASK and then we both know how I”m feeling and if it’s a “go”. And now he needs to take Vitamin V (Viagara) due to taking blood pressure meds and that has added to the lack of sponteniety :( We have talked, talked and talked some more … I told him I can do it for myself without him being there (hope that’s not tmi, just the truth) … but then I feel guilty … but if he doesn’t want to then what am I to do as a frustrated wife with all this pent up “energy” that needs released? Once I explained to him that’s what I was doing then he tried harder to want/give it more often … it’s not that he doesn’t want to … it’s the fact that he just never knows when or if to pursue … communication is KEY but even then sometimes we don’t mesh very well and after 21 years of marriage … we know each other fairly well … but still struggle in this area sometimes … he doesn’t always need the Vitamin V but when he does then we have to “plan” … not much fun … but at least it does work … but it does add to the stress of the entire situation … any suggestions? He has always waited for me to pursue him … but I want to be pursued … much more of a turn on for me that way … sigh …

  3. Paul H. Byerly
    October 13, 2012 | 4:22 pm

    Kate – I appreciate the “you can only fix you” approach, and it is appropriate, but I hope no men reading this take that as a pass. Sexual refusal is deeply painful and horribly destructive no matter which spouse does it or why.

    • q. banks
      December 4, 2012 | 12:54 am

      very true

  4. Shelly
    October 13, 2012 | 5:21 pm

    I could use some prayer where is is concerened. He will turn me down flat with a “honey im not in the mood” which kills me. i am in that dessert right now. I just keep wondering why GOD! thanks for the reminder that there is always hope.

    • ellery
      July 27, 2014 | 8:15 pm

      My husband does the same thing. No discussion, no options — just no. It kills me that I can’t do anything to attract him.

  5. Amanda Chance
    November 6, 2012 | 4:48 pm

    What is your opinion bibically on sex toys? For example if a husband is never willing to have sex is it okay for a wife to find pleasure in a toy?

    • Kate
      November 14, 2012 | 5:18 pm

      Hi Amanda! Great question! Sorry for our delayed responce-life has been crazy lately!

      Sex toys are obviously not addressed in the Bible. So it is a “grey” issue. In and of themselves, we see not problem with them. They can be used as a tool to add to your sexual time together. We caution against using something ALL the time and allowing it to take a central part of your sex life. As always they must be mutually agreed apon, talked about and decided that you are comfortable using or trying it. Hope that helps! Thanks for asking! Kate

  6. q. banks
    December 4, 2012 | 1:05 am

    im in a situation where my hubby doesnt want sex anymore. he’s 54, on bp meds, stress at work, life factors and i guess he’s not interested. we are considered sexless. i read somewhere sex 12x or less a year is considered sexless. i tried everything i know to try: talking, counseling, praying, talking, praying, talking, being angry, being nice and gentle, talking, praying, talking about divorce, nothing worked. he has to want it to work and he has to want the sex. yes, he’ll do it with my initiation at times, but he’s not into it. i guess he’s in male menopause. im also 10 yrs younger, so im miserable in the sex/love/romance dept in my marriage. a lot of advice is given, but it wont work in this case. sometimes i try harder, other times, i do not. masturbation is good sometimes, but its nothing compared to the real loving, comforts, and intimacy of a man. and i LOOVe men and i loove sex and im not getting it.missing out on all the benefits and allowed pleasures of being married. people and your parents tell you to get married if you’re gonna have sex, then yu get married and have no sex

    • Kate
      December 4, 2012 | 5:48 pm

      Hi Q.Banks, Thanks for writing and sharing. It breaks my heart to hear your story. I wish that I had a magic word for you to make it all better. But I don’t and as you have said, sometimes even the most sound advice doesn’t work. Yet there is one thing that can never go wrong, one thing that can redeem anything and that is Jesus! You may not know how or when or with what, but he can and you need to hang on to that hope. Does that mean your marriage will survive, turn around and survive? I know that is what He desires. Yet no, it does not mean that. It means that Jesus is with you and can be everything you need. Even in the saddest of times, when you think there is nothing left-lean on Him! It is the only guaranteed way! Know that you are not alone and that I am praying for you! Blessings, Kate Romans 8:28

      • maureen
        February 26, 2013 | 7:49 am

        Hi, I am so happy to find this site talk about everything am going through. I am so heartbroken because my hubby just won’t have sex with me until I ask and beg for it. I am just 30years old and I am very scared I will waste my years of being loved if he doesn’t change. He is always working on his laptop so I don’t know if he is watching porn or just has a low libido. I have always dreamt of having endless sex and romance when I get married. He does not give me any. I don’t know if I am even making sense right now, I just know am very very hurt and disturbed and sometimes I dream of being in another man’s arms. I am so confused.

        • maria
          March 13, 2013 | 10:21 am

          Hi Maureen, I am in the same boat. I miss being touched. I miss feeling needed and wanted. I cry every night and even wake up teary eyed about it. I am depressed because I feel so unloved and undesirable. What scares me most is either a.- living the rest of my life like this or b. – falling into temptation. At this point it would be too easy to be swept off my feet. That makes me feel like an even bigger loser. I am just praying on this. God bless you too, may God give all of us peace and resolution in this matter.

          • Kay
            September 13, 2013 | 10:49 pm

            Finally. My husband does not want to have sex with me. He was tested for low testosterone and that was fine. Doctor said not to worry about it. Fine, but in the meantime I am suffering. His response when I try and talk about is “can’t I just be me?” Sure, but I think “what about me?” He says he loves me and holds my hand often. I am pretty sure he is not having an affair, he has recently lost weight, and I have gained. He said that my weight is not a problem. I am so sad. I don’t know what to do. I need the physical part of a relationship, if I didn’t then I wouldn’t need to be married. I love him with all my heart but I am not sure how much longer I can go on with only his feelings being considered.

    • shadowspring
      October 29, 2013 | 7:09 am

      I wish that Christian men were given the same advice: to adapt to their wives, pray for their wives needs to be met, and be continually told that it is God’s will that they put their wives needs above their own. This is the central problem in all Christian marriage issues: wives are asking for help, and being given the advice to hold on to Jesus and things will get better. Husbands rarely even ask for help. I can’t imagine a Christian man owning this and saying “What can I do to increase my desire for my wife and become the husband she needs me to be?” It just doesn’t happen.

      The love/respect dichotomy means that even if a husband is putting zero effort into the marriage bed, the wife is supposed to “respect” him for that. Men know this, they hear it in church too. It’s pretty much carte blanche for men to avoid ever having to change anything, because their wives are told to praise them for any effort (or no effort) and adapt to the man. Being on the “unconditional respect” side of the equation means never having to do anything to earn respect or please your partner.

      Any crumbs they offer as proof that they are “loving” their wives has to be enough for the wife, according to current Christian teachings on marriage. It’s a trap that keeps women from having their needs met while assures men that whatever effort they put into the marriage, no matter how little, has got to be “respected.”

      It’s a far far cry from “love one another as I have loved you”- the words of Christ. Trying to make first century social hierarchies into the “Christian” formula for happiness is a train wreck. For marriages to work, the words of Christ need to be stressed, and the social hierarchies of the past shouldn’t be held up as “godly” just because Paul was trying to sanctify them with his counsel on how to “love one another” in such an unloving social order.

  7. maria
    March 11, 2013 | 1:49 am

    We have been married for 8yrs. He wont have sex with me no matter how much i beg. I will be vain for a min, i am hot. I am nice and giving. I am supportive. I am 36 he is 40. He is a functional,narcisistic,wotkaholic alcoholic. He drinks about 12 16oz beers a day,everyday. I dont know how he is still alive. Our sex life really waned slowly about 3 yrs ago. Now we have sex maybe 5 times a yr. The sex we do have is horrible. I am only counting the 5 times he is actually hard enough for sex. The frw other times i tried, he was a limp noodle or too drunk to comprhend what was even happening. He has been so drunk during sex that he has gotten up from our romp,went to the bathroom to puke,then expected me to resume where we left off. I cant make this stuff up. This is my life. I tried to hit him up when he is sober to no avail.i asked him to see a dr for ed,go to counseling, be patient, prayer, you name it. I feel lost. Lonely,sad,confused,and tempted. I have had a chance to have an affair but while i was tempted,i knew it would be wrong so i didnt. That was a yr ago.it has been about 6 months since we have had sex,meaning he was hard enough to perform and lasted more thsn 2 minutes,including foreplay. Really, i cant make this up. I am not sure how long i can do this. I need the touch of a warm body. I need to feel loved. I need to feel wanted,desired. At this point he is denying my right as a wife. Would it be a sin to divorce because of the years of neglect? Would i be the bad guy if i fell into teptation at this point? He refuses any help for physical or emotional issues. What else can i do? I am really at the end of my rope.

  8. gail
    March 13, 2013 | 1:29 pm

    hi there maria,

    your story is the same as mine. thanks for sharing! it is so heartbreaking to be in a sexless marriage. my husband told me 3 years ago that he didn’t want to have sex with me, because he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. well, now it is 3 years later, and my heart aches. i spend a lot of time with the comment in my head. i have tried everything! i go to the gym 3 times a week, counsling, etc… I finally told my husband 8 months ago that i no longer want to have sex. i don’t want to feel like my husband is judging my body, and looking at my fat roles. i just want to be loved for me! i’m praying that Jesus will help all of us that are in the same situation. God bless! If Jesus can move mountains, than he can restore our marriages.

    • maria
      March 14, 2013 | 1:41 am

      That is true Gail, things CAN get better. I have not left yet because I feel, for some reason, there may be hope. He has told me that he wants a divorce many times, but then goes on like life is normal. He has also told me I am unattractive but acts like he never said it the next day. My going to the gym is to improve me for me. I guess my self esteem has hit rock bottom because of the lack of love in my marriage and I need to fix myself so I can love me again. Hugs!

  9. Gail
    March 15, 2013 | 8:41 pm

    Well, I came out, and asked my Hubbs why he didn’t want sex anymore…..he told me he wasn’t attracted to me physically attracted to me anymore. With that said, it shattered my whole world. It has been over 8 months since we have made live. I refuse to have my body judged naked! I have put on 40lbs from antidepressants, so I can’t help th weight gain. I too, love sex, and would like it at least once a week. For now, I’m not sure what our next step will be. Marriage without sex seems like we are roomates. So, maybe u should ask your Hubbs why….however, be ready for an honest answer. Good luck my friend!

    • Kate
      March 25, 2013 | 2:30 pm

      Hi Gail,

      I think you are one brave women and as you said you must be ready for a very real, raw answer. But not asking is also not going to get you any closer to one another or God’s plan for marriage. My heart breaks for where you and your hubby are, but I know how bad Brad and I were for many years and now I see how God can create beauty out of our ashes. Keep seeking God on your knees and he will not fail you. Ask him to lead you and to mold you and make you into the wife he wants you yo be! Serve and love your hubby even when he does not deserve it! IT will be hard, but it is what God asks of us. Please know that I am praying for you right now! Blessings, Kate

      • GAIL
        March 25, 2013 | 3:49 pm

        Hi there Kate,

        Thank you so much for responding! You must have a million emails that you have to respond to. So, thanks again for personally writing on this touchy subject. You are so right when you say to keep seeking God on my knees…that is the 1st thing, and I love how you pointed out to serve and love my husband (even though he may not deserve it) Lastly, the other night my hubbs crawled into bed, and made love to me!!!!!!!!! I really couldn’t believe it! All of my being wanted to just stop him, and say that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. However, I just went with it, and needless to say Jesus is working in our marriage!!!!!!!!!!! I’m sure that, “it” won’t happen often, but I am okay with that. Just knowing that my hubbs put forth the effort, leads me to believe that Jesus is working in our marriage bed. Jesus is so obediant to us when we wait upon him……..

        • Kate
          March 25, 2013 | 5:48 pm

          Gail, I rejoice with you in this victory for your marriage! I know with all of the diappointment and rejection you have felt over the years, it is tempting to think “well that was awesome, but I won’t exspect it to happen again”-that is a survival mode and completely understandable and yet Jesus wants us to live in a thrive mode! He wants good things for you marriage and this victory is still a huge victory. When you are on your knees seeking God for your marriage-praise Him for this victory! I am honored to be able to respond to your comment, we try to get to each and every one, but sometimes that does not happen! Jesus is so good and faithful! Thank you so much for sharing! Praying for you again! Blessings, Kate

  10. Annie
    March 22, 2013 | 5:55 pm

    I’ve been married to my husband for close to six years and up to now the only times I had sex with him was when I had my two children. It’s pathetic , I’m depressed and lonely. I can’t figure out. Why I’m living without a future or I’m not looking forward for a life ahead of. He doesn’t want to solve this problem either. I think he is sleeping with (edited by admin). All I do is cry and take sleeping pills and get drunk and sleep in the other room with my younger son. There is no other choice for me.

    • Kate
      March 25, 2013 | 2:41 pm

      Hi Annie,

      My heart breaks for where you are, friend-but there is another choice! You can totally and completely throw yourself into Jesus’ arms. He is waiting for you and wants to take on these burdens for you. The sleeping pills, constant worry, fear and depression, the alcohol-none of them can bring you any relief and hope for a future-only Jesus can do that!!

      Seek God on your knees and ask him what he wants of you as wife. How does he want you to love, serve and respect your husband even when he does not deserve it. Jesus can be all that you need and he can meet every single need, but you have to give him to control. You have to give him all of the pain, the confusion, the hurt and the fear. No matter what happens in your marriage, your relationship with Jesus matters most. Build on that, because he is all about hope, friend. Seek out a church if you don’t already have one. If you do have a church then find some amazing women to lean on and pray with. Don’t isolate yourself and continue to try to deal with this without Jesus or people to walk beside you. Ask God right now what to do and I know he will speak to you! I am praying for you right now Annie! God LOVES YOU SO VERY MUCH AND NOTHING WILL EVER STOP HIM FROM LOVING YOU! Blessings, Kate

      • maria
        March 26, 2013 | 12:59 am

        Kate, Why do we have to ask God to be the wives our husbands want us to be? Why can’t our husbands just love us the way they (maybe) once did? Why is it the wives who have to submit? I haven’t changed but my marriage has. I don’t know what I am holding on to at this point, I feel I have exhausted every option. I have been praying for a year since I have been going to church. I know I should be patient, but why does the woman have to change to please the husband? Doesn’t the bible also say that a man should love his wife as Christ so loves the church? Doesn’t the bible also say that sex shouldn’t be withheld between spouses, and if it is, it should be merely for mediation on the word and the Lord? I love the Lord. I want to do what is right, so does that mean I should just suffer through this and wait for my husband to treat me like a human being and a wife again? So according to the bible it is acceptable for my husband to neglect every aspect of my marriage and I am to sit there and look for more ways to please him? nothing I do is good enough anyway! I am not saying that my faith is slipping, though I am a ‘baby’ Christian, I want my marriage to work, but I ran out of steam. I know this web site is meant to help people from a Godly point of view, that is why I came here, but really? After years of neglect we are to just keep on keeping on? Pleasing and pampering our spouses that don’t even acknowledge we exist? I need clarification. I am ready to seek professional counseling because I have lost myself and I have lost hope. Thanks. I am not blaming you Kate for your answer, I just need clarification. I have given my sorrow to the lord and have had some relief, but my marriage is still empty.Should neglected marriages just end?

        • Kate
          March 26, 2013 | 5:21 pm

          Hi Maria, I am so glad you wrote back, because I fear somewhere I either misspoke or something was interprited wrong. I would love to clarify a bit and please feel free to respond again and ask more questions if you want to!

          Your first question: “Why do we have to ask God to be the wives our husbands want us to be?”

          My responce to Annie was this, “Seek God on your knees and ask him what he wants of you as wife. How does he want you to love, serve and respect your husband even when he does not deserve it.”

          No where in the scriptures does it say that you should ask God to be the wife your HUSBAND wants! It is not about what your husband wants for you as a wife, it is all about what God wants OF you as a wife to your husband! It is all about what God is calling you to do!

          Your husband should love you as Christ loves the church, God askes that of him! Yet if he is not, you cannot change him, only God can!

          Also you can only change you! You can be the change you want to see in your own marriage. Really when there is issues in marriage, we need to draw a circle around ourselves and deal with everyone in the circle. Hard truth when we feel like we are being wrong and and from all that you have shared above, your husband is very selfish and has addictions to deal with. What is happening to you is not right! Pure and simple.

          One day your husband will stand before GOd and be held accountable for his decisions in life, including his marriage and how he chose to treat his beloved! On the other hand you will also be held accountable for how you make choices and how you treat your husband! Did you choose to follow GOd’s word in Ephesians for wives, even when your husband does not deserve it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, so because he is not doing what God called him to do, does not give you the license to also abandon what God has asked.

          So how does one go on then. I believe God loves you very much and wants you to seek to love, serve and respect your husband regardless. I would also say that in your situation, he wants you to place boundaries in your marriage. When our spouse is doing something that is physically harmful (anytime) or emotionally harmful (on a consistant basis) then it is ok for us to put boundaries in place and essentially put the ball in their court. All the while doing your best to love, serve and respect them-which can only be done through God’s strength and help! If your husband is unresponsive and doesn’t do anything to change-then put the ball in his court and make it a choice he has to make. I hope that make sense.

          You say that you understand we are a blog that is meant to help people from a Godly perspective, and yet you question that. I pray each time I write that anything I say that is not of God would fall flat and that only the things of God would be elavated. I don’t want to say anything that is not God’s will. We started this blog, because we felt God ask us to share HIS story through us and how our marriage was redeemed! If you have read other posts you know that the first 10 years of our marriage were a mess, riddled in sin and selfisness. As well as ignoring God’s word for both husbands and wives. I realize that some of the challenges are hard to take. I still struggle with putting my husbands needs and wants above my own, yet it is what God asks of me. He desires for Brad to be the head of our home and that I love, serve and respect him. When I did marriage MY way, well it was awful. When I submitted to God (the most important submission there is!) our marriage began to heal and we began to move forward on our one flesh journey!

          I am not saying that you changing will make your marriage do a complete turn around and everything will be ok. Yet I do know that you being who God asks you to be as a wife, is a good thing, not matter what and I am proof that doing that can open up your spouses heart to hear that God wants them to change.

          I really do think setting boundaries in your marriage is a vital step, if you would like to talk to me further about that, please email me at kate@onefleshmarriage.com I would love to talk with you further. Truly!

          I know that sometimes what God asks of us is not easy and especially in circumstances like yours, yet Brad and I cannot stop sharing what God’s word says for husbands and wives. I hope that makes sense, even though it breaks my heart to hear of situations like yours. God is good and he loves you very much and HE can heal anything. There is nothing he cannot do! Know that you are not alone and that I am praying for you right now! Blessings, Kate

          • maria
            March 27, 2013 | 1:55 am

            Thanks Kate!
            I have been doing all that you and the bible suggest. I try my best to be a good wife. I try to be supportive and cheer him on when work issues take a toll on him. I complement his looks. I pray and pray and pray to God for guidance as to what should be done, what I should do. I feel like this is a test but I don’t know why, I guess only God knows. All my life, I have taken the back seat from men to substance abuse. I have even dealt with ( and sometimes still deal with) an eating disorder because it is stuck in my head that if I am not good looking/thin enough, no man will ever love me. I somehow decided in my early 20s that THAT must be the reason I am not good enough. I am mostly recovered now but it is a lifelong struggle. (God, I have so much baggage!)My dad is an alcoholic (my mom has been dealing with this for 40 years. I don’t want to be in her shoes. History is repeating itself, and I worry about my daughters, how they will view a healthy/unhealthy relationship.) My oldest daughters father chose heroin over us. I left him when I was 5 months pregnant. He has nothing to do with her. When my husband came along, he treated her like gold. I kindof fell for him because of that, not realizing until we moved in together that he is an alcoholic. ( we dated for more than a year prior to that, and only actually saw eachother on weekends. The drinking that occurred didn’t seem out of the ordinary then,I guess I was blinded by love.) He and I have a child together as well. As my eldest started to become a pre teen and have her own ideas of style, etc., he pulled away from her, now they barely speak. When he does talk to her it is mostly negative. That in itself puts a wall between us. I just feel so sad that I am less important then drugs or alcohol to any man in my life. I feel so utterly lonely that my husband doesn’t seem to even know I exist. It’s not even about sex at this point, I would honestly get a rise from a wink or maybe if he held my hand and looked me in the eyes and said I was pretty. I am becoming depressed. I just want him to love me, sex will follow. We have been through counseling, where he seems to tell the counselor what he thinks she wants to hear. We even went to a weekend long christian based bootcamp for marriage. He claims it saved our marriage but he never followed through on the program. I was ready to file for divorce then, and because I didn’t, I think he thinks the marriage was saved. But I am hurting so bad. I recently talked to him about it. No response other than “there’s the door”. He doesn’t love me. It breaks my heart. God does want me to be happy right? Why test me, my entire life, by making the men in my life choose drugs/alcohol over me? Am I not worth more than a beer? Am I worth anything to anyone? My biggest fear is dying, having never been truly loved by a man, then if I am lucky, getting to heaven to be judged, and God also rejecting me for some reason. Sorry this is long winded. I am so spent.

          • Kate
            March 28, 2013 | 1:29 pm

            Hi again Maria,

            I hear your pain and and my heart truly does break for what you have shared. I am not just saying that! I too know what it is like to grow up with an alcoholic father, it has broken all of us children in different ways as well as crushed my mom! So I know a little of what you speak. I want you to know that you are WORTH everything! Jesus loves you very much, so much that he would have gone to the cross just for you! When your world is crumbling and you are tired as you have said, it is hard to rest in only Jesus’ love, but the truth is-Jesus is the only one who can promise to love us always-and he can and will keep that promise. As husbands and wives, we need to understand our brokenness-we CANNOT love our spouse they way we desire or the way the deserve to be loved, only Jesus can do that. That does not mean that we should not seek God in trying to love, serve and respect our husband as Jesus asks of us. It only means that we cannot love to completeness ourselves and our spouse cannot love us to completeness! You have such sweet, precious value to Jesus, Maria! God does desire to see all his children happy, but we have been given free will and those in our lives also have free will-choices that we make and other make around us impact that greatly! That does not mean that God loves you any less or that he is punishing you in any way! God’s love is steadfast, it never gives up and never runs out! The best thing I can say is to draw near to God, let Him be all that you need and seek to place boundaries in your marriage. Blessings, Kate

  11. maria
    March 29, 2013 | 10:34 am

    Thanks Kate! God has been my shoulder to lean on. In fact, I must credit the issues I am dealing with to bringing me back to Jesus. Funny how God works like that. I know God loves me very much. It’s just that I want to be loved my my husband too. On this Earth, before I die, it would be nice to have been loved by a fellow person. But I get what you are saying. My husband isn’t a bad guy,He’s a good provider and a good dad to our youngest daughter which is good,(not much of a relationship with the teenager,sadly.) but I am not even on his list. I used to think I was at least a top 10, but lately I realize He doesn’t even include me on his priority list. I just exist on this earth, but not in his life… It just hurts and I am sad. I am getting some good pointers from the website on how to maybe give a little more of myself (but there is very little of myself left to give him)And reading the bible daily is helpful as well. I want to remove the anger from my soul, and that I know I can only give it to Jesus. Thanks Again!

    • Kate
      March 31, 2013 | 12:35 pm

      Thank you Maria for sharing and for reaching out! I know it is so hard right now, but God will be with you through it ALL! He is faithful and His love for you NEVER ends! Blessings, Kate

      • shadowspring
        October 29, 2013 | 7:21 am

        I have seen women wait for their husbands to finally get right with God, and their whole life just passes them by and then, they are really old and nothing ever changed. If you want change, the only change you will get are the ones you made for yourself. Prayer and following the current evangelical dogma will not ever improve your marriage. If your husband want to save your marriage, then maybe a good secular marriage counselor can help.

        Otherwise, the Christian advice is, to settle. Settle for the way things are, accept that is the best it will ever be, and try to find ways to console yourself with your faith in order to deal with the constant rejection. It’s a far cry from the abundant life Jesus promised, but that,in a nutshell, is the abundant life promised by the current church doctrines of “love/respect”.

        Your husband is no fool. If you have to respect him regardless of his efforts, why should he put in any effort? If you have to adapt to him, no matter what, why would he ever need to change anything? He doesn’t. He can use your faith teachings to absolutely never have to grow up and mature as a human being or as a husband. It gives him carte blanche to live however he wants everyday, and the church will only blame the wife for not “respecting” it if she wants more.

        Is that the abundant life Jesus said we would have if we followed Him? Since the fault is not with Jesus, it must be with the church’s teachings. Think about it.

  12. Ashlee
    May 22, 2013 | 4:33 pm

    Hi, I’ve been married for 2 yrs on the 25th of this month… My husband works out of state and is only home every 6 weeks… He comes home for 10 days and mostly acts like I don’t exist… We had sex once the last time he was home and that was in April right after he lost his father… He won’t open up to me about anything anymore, I know he’s hurting from the loss of his father, but I too am hurting from the lack of attention… I’ve even talked to him about not celebrating our anniversary due to his lack of interest in our marriage… I need advice because I feel like I’ve been thinking so much about him not wanting me, that I’ve forgotten how he must be hurting but refuses to talk to me.. Thanks

    • Kate
      May 29, 2013 | 5:01 pm

      Hi Ashlee,

      My heart breaks for where you and your hubby are, but there is great hope in Jesus. He will be there through all of this and he will never leave you and your husbands side.

      It is hard when we are hurting and our needs are not being met to be able to look to the one who is hurting us and think of them first. Yet it is what God calls us to do. I would encourage you to get into God’s word, seek him in prayer, get a journal and keep relying on Him. Ask Him to give you the strength and peace to be the wife He is calling to you to be, even when your husband does not deserve it.

      Pray for your hubby, that God would bless him and wrap him in his loving arms.

      Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor together, to talk about marriage and the loss of your father in law? I know that he is not home much, but it would be good to be able to get these things out in the open and share.

      So many times people think that going to counseling is admitting defeat, when really it is a very brave step for your marriage. Don’t be affraid to admit that you need a little help! We all do at times and if more marriages were willing to step out and take that brave step, we would have much healthier marriages out there!

      Also is there a women in the church that you could meet with to pray with, confide in and get good, biblical, sex positive help from?

      Please know that you are not alone and that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  13. Amy
    August 9, 2013 | 8:20 pm

    My husband hasn’t wanted any sex or any kind of intimacy for 45+ years. He hates sex to the point where he vomits. He can’t understand how one human could do something so gross, vile to another human. So hes lived in our basement for all these years and also worked the midnight shift. He doesn’t want to be with me or talk to me ever. Its been a horrible life for me but I got use to it and just don’t care anymore

    • Kate
      August 13, 2013 | 5:32 pm

      Hi Amy,

      Your story breaks my heart. I am sure you have heard all the advice there is to give.

      Seek God with your whole heart, because NOTHING is too big that he cannot bring restoration to it! He LOVES you dearly and he is the hope you need to cling to. Not hope that he will change your circumstances (though I hope he does) but true hope is that he has a plan and a purpose for you life, regardless of whether or not your circumstances do change! He can bring healing and restoration! Blessings, Kate

      • Amy
        August 26, 2014 | 8:55 pm

        Thanks for your love and Prayer’s!
        Things are still the same. I think he never really liked me. We never had sex before we were married, we did hold hands and make out. Nothing more!! I was a prude when married and totally inexperienced and as far as I know he was a virgin also. I do know his Mom and Dad hated each other, he drank like a fish and that killed him, His Mom didn’t really like me, she was dominant and I don’t know if he was a MOM’s boy. I do see shrink and take anti depressants, and it helps a lot. He has no friends, TV, radio, computer or phone. It’s been so many years that I made up my mind that I don’t care about him. That’s hard for me because I’m a caring type of person. I just get involved in other things that make feel better. People have asked how can any one go through this for so long. I have no answer maybe some where in my mind I still care for him, the answers are difficult to answer for me. I do have good health benefits and I do have some money to spend, not a lot but some. I have a nice roof over my head and a fairly nice car to drive. Maybe its greed and maybe I’ve been deprived all these years of love and sex and feel I need to get something out of our marriage. I don’t have answers!!!

  14. Amber
    August 15, 2013 | 2:44 am

    My husband and I dated for 7 years before getting married. We never had sex but it was very hard not too. The first month of our marriage he wanted to have sex a lot but then after a while it’s like he didn’t care anymore. I want to have sex almost every day. For the first year I would initiate most of it but it was like I had to make him and I hated feeling like he was just doing it because he felt obligated. When we were dating I knew he wanted me and I liked that but it’s like he doesn’t care. For our 2nd year of marriage I decided I wasn’t going to try anymore because try was just making me more upset. I don’t understand why he doesn’t desire that type of relationship as much as I do. I know sometimes he is tired but if it is always like
    this I don’t know how long I can last.

    • Kate
      August 28, 2013 | 9:06 pm

      Hi Amber,
      Thanks for writing and sharing! My heart breaks for your story. Yet we hear the very same thing-a lot! Those who have waited and then sex is very difficult or non-existent. We waited and while sex was not non-existent, it was a huge challenge. And if you have read any of our other posts you know that we didn’t get the hang of it or get to a good place with sex until 10 years into our marriage. At year 5 we made some good changes, but were still stuck in our own selfishness. At year 10 God completely broke me of my selfishness and worked in brad’s heart too.

      I wish that I had some magic words to help you out, but truly you have to surrender it to God. Pray for help and pray for your husband. Seek to be the wife God is calling you to be in the scriptures even when you don’t feel like it or your husband doesn’t deserve it. Seek to openly share about your desire for an amazing marriage where sex is a good part of that. If that is not happening, don’t wait-get help. Either from a pastor, a couple who has a solid marriage or a professional Christian counselor.

      Know that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  15. Confused...double standard.
    August 21, 2013 | 1:00 am

    Because I am the husband, like your story shared next, why is it that woman do not get the same long detailed instructions.

    I am really having a hard time going through the mentioned articles all the while knowing that I am and have done very well in the tasks mentioned…and yet there is never a mention to the ‘offending’ spouse to get help and what they need to examine.

    • Kate
      August 28, 2013 | 8:58 pm

      Hi Confused . . . double standard!

      If you read the whole post then you know that this was a readers question. It is one of the most popular questions that we get in email and comment form. It is women who desire more sex and their husbands are the lower drive spouse. We have written on this subject several times because it is a true voice that need to be heard in the marriage blogging community.

      BUT . . . our story is actually opposite and in the first 10 years of our marriage, we had little sex and I was the lower drive spouse-so actually we share ALL the time about your same situation. Because we were there and it is a huge part of our story! We don’t pull any punches and I share with the women in love and truth. They get lists just like this I assure you! If you go to our search engine you can read several of our blog posts on the husband desiring sex and the wife withholding for some reason.

      So while I understand where you are coming from and hear your pain, it IS a subject we talk about a lot!

      Thanks for your question! Blessings, Kate

  16. Newlywed
    August 24, 2013 | 12:30 pm

    What about when you refrain from sex until marriage but once married, it never happens. We have been married one year and it has been nothing but fighting, crying, yelling, praying, sleeping in a different bed from time to time etc. After 14 months, your husband finally tells you that he doesn’t like sex and that he never has. How does a wife handle something like that? Why would the husband not tell her BEFORE they got married?

    All the things that people cite as reasons for a sexless marriage – medications, stress, work, kids etc – don’t apply to us. Yes, “we” (actually “I” because he just sits there and stares) have talked about it MULTIPLE times. Yes, I have sought help from outside sources.

    Is God really there? Will the prayers ever really be answered? Having waited 34 years for “the one”, I feel like I have made a huge mistake.

    • Kate
      August 28, 2013 | 9:21 pm

      Hi Newlywed,

      Thanks so much for sharing. As I shared with Amber, my heart truly breaks hearing what you have shared. I believe that God is for your marriage, no matter what. He desires to see your marriage flourish into all that he intends for marriage to be! You said that you waited for marriage. Did your husband have past partners? If so I understand your thinking, if not, how was he to know that sex was liked or disliked? Although I think that all humans are designed to enjoy sex, but our pasts (how parents handled sex as well as past sexual experience), abuse, media and many other things have caused a deep world or hurt.

      I would encourage you to seek help. Don’t wait, seek it now! Either a counselor, pastor or a couple who has a solid marriage-reach out and get help. Don’t see it is admitting defeat, see it as taking a brave step FOR your marriage.

      Know that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  17. Heather
    November 17, 2013 | 4:31 am

    We have been married for 10 years. We started off great and then it seemed to go downhill. I always begged for physical intimacy. Some times he would give in but most of the time I was greeted with silence and a back turned toward me in bed. I know my husband doesn’t even think about sex if he is stressed or worried about other issues. I instead need to feel grounded and close to him in those times. I have tried talking to him on NUMEROUS occasions, but year after year nothing is resolved. This year I got him to open up some and he told me he just doesn’t think about it. I expressed that I wanted sex more than we were having (twice a month maybe) and he said he would try. So, I asked more and he would comply but it always seemed like he was only doing it out of obligation. Most nights he sits up and watches movies or tv until I am fast asleep. I have always thought he was just avoiding me. And that’s where I sit, crying at night because my husband doesn’t desire me or even think about sex with me. I pray that I will be the kind of woman who only focuses on God. Obviously that’s not completely working. He’s my best friend and this is so hard because I want an amazing marriage and this is the area I see it lacking in and he doesn’t even see an issue.

  18. Ginny
    April 7, 2014 | 11:37 am

    I am having a very strange problem. See, I have known mu fiancée for years, since high school. We have been together for a year and a half and he has always had a low sex drive due to his weight but it’s like he is becoming less and less interested in me. I am willing to watch porn with him and am very open about my sexual nature. He still hides his porn from me even though when I pull it up on my laptop and invite him to come pick something. I am very sexually active and enjoy it quite a bit. He hides stuff from me, he is in a nasty habit of not telling me the truth or the whole truth and I it has gotten to such a point that I found myself checking the history on his laptop and found it set to privacy mode. All things considered I can’t believe he would need to hide his goings on from me and he is always so proud of how our relationship is and how open and honest I am with him he even Braggs about me to his friends. I keep asking him why, why does he keep doing this and even went so far as to ask him if I need to lose weight or start doing something to change me. He only says he loves everything about me and then promises not to do it again. I don’t know what to do with him he already has low libido and flat out refuses to lose it, I’ve begged him to go seek Councilling for whatever could be bothering him that he can’t tell me about but he promises he will then doesnt. The last few days he has been having trouble at work being very worn out so I checked the history on the Web viewer I can and he is up looking stuff up when he is suppose to be sleeping to get up early for work. Then I checked the other Web view and found myself blocked from the history. I plan on confronting him but, it’s like, not a default setting so what could he be looking at that requires a privacy setting? He is a very warm and affectionate man who treats me like a queen in every other way so why can’t he just be honest with me?

  19. […] Help! My Husband Does’nt Want Sex […]

  20. kc
    October 10, 2014 | 2:58 am

    Wow! This is awkward but I’m a man and my wife and I have a sexless marriage for my reasons II’m not getting into on this board right now cause I have another point I wanted to make with my “Wow” comment. I’m feeling like a total a$$hole right now and feel so sad for my wife after reading you lady’s comments. My wife said she doesn’t feel loved and has come to me about it several times crying saying she doesn’t feel that it can ever be fixed and I just tell her oh come on I show you love in so many ways, we will work it out. I’ve been hurting her for so long and she finally got quiet about it and just distanced herself from ever expecting it again and just let me “love” her the way iI kept doing I’m guessing she would just keep hoping. ……
    .
    She broke it off with me just last week saying she wants us apart and wants to start a new chapter in her life and wants me to get my own place, since we’ve lived as ” roommates” for so long now she said it wouldn’t be any different. I’m hurting really bad now and want to be a family again but she is so distance now and I’m trying slowly to fix it, to make her “love” me now. I just thought she was being mean and ridiculous and she needs to let me come back home. We have 2 kids unfortunately that are now suffering too. They are 7 and 12. And want mommy and daddy back together and the whole thing has become a nightmare. I do love her dearly and would do anything for her…but there’s one “anything” I left out which is now what I see ruined us. I would make love to her right now if she’d take me back but after all I put her through and the enduring time without it, it’d be awkward for us. My God after reading y’all saying all this I feel so bad and have now possibly lost her for good. And I don’t know if I can bear that. But I realize now, she had felt the pain I’m feeling for first time she has been feeling for years, waiting hoping. I feel so ashamed, my heart has melted and dropped cause I know she has been feeling what you women are describing for so long. I feel horrible. I’m gonna share my thoughts with her tomorrow and seek help and see if I can slowly bring back the love she so desires, if she even wants me anymore. I’m gonna fight for her I’m not giving up. Thank you God for leading me to this website. Wow. I hope your Hubby’s don’t go through what I am now but maybe y’all might consider what my wife has done and give him a rude awakening wake up call as my wife has done to me. I’m so sorry y’all are going through this. I’m gonna try and win her back now….with the real “,love she once had. God Bless.

    • KH
      October 10, 2014 | 2:32 pm

      I’m sorry to hear your marriage is in crisis and I hope you find a way to repair this and bring your family back together. I’m a woman who has been deeply hurt by my husband in the past but thankfully we are on a better path now and I pray it continues to be good. I’m curious about a couple of things if you don’t mind answering it may be helpful. What caused you to not be interested? Is there anything your wife could have said differently that would have made you to really understand about not feeling loved and motivated to change that? My intention isn’t to rub salt in your wounds but to maybe help someone reading and to prevent backsliding in my situation. Thank you!

  21. Mitch
    October 15, 2014 | 2:29 pm

    Hi, I am also in a sexless marriage and am finding it very hard to hang on in there. We have been married for over 8 years and right from the wedding night my husband has shown little or no interest in sex. He does not enjoy sex and does not even orgasm anymore. He would never initiate sex and mostly just lies there hardly participating or making a very minimal effort. There is very little or no foreplay for example, and the whole thing lasts less than 10 minutes or so and feels very empty and pointless. We often go 3, 4 or even 6 months without sex – and this doesnt bother him at all, in fact he doesnt even realise that I have stopped initiating sex with him. There is no intimacy between us when we do have sex – it is merely just that – sex. When we first got married he called me a sex maniac and said that me wanting to have sex with him as much as I did was putting him off. He also said that I had traumatised him by being very angry that we didnt consumate our marriage on our wedding night.
    Within the first year of our marriage I discovered that he was addicted to porn and was extremely hurt that he enjoyed and pursued this when he didnt enjoy or want sex with me.
    One of the many councellors that we saw in the early days said that when God had dealt with his addiction to porn he would naturally turn his attention to me, but unfortuately that hasn’t happened. Either he’s still doing porn and I don’t know about it – or he’s not doing porn and still just doesnt want me. Either way I lose and am left hurt. At least while he was doing porn I felt that I just needed to get his sexual attention fixed on me instead of porn but now that he says he’s clean (for the last 4 years) where does that leave me?
    I am sure that there is nothing wrong with me as I have previously enjoyed a very good and healthy sex life with my previous partners.
    When I became a Christian (17 years ago) I decided to be celebate until I got married. I was alone (from age 25 as a single parent) for 8 long years saving myself for the husband God would give to me. When I was dating my husband he pursued me with a passion and was very sexual with me to the point that I broke my vow of celebacy and we slept together before the marriage, a fact that I am deeply ashamed of.
    Since our marriage we have been blessed with two wonderful children – who are a bit of a miracle really when you know the truth – and these children are a real blessing and bring me real joy – but the issue remains. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and tried all sorts of things to try and win him over. We have had countless attempts at counselling, but they always assume that there is an issue in the marriage that has affected our sex life and dont seem to realise that there was no sex life to begin with – or that my husband has had this problem with every one of his partners before.
    I’m left to believe from the counselling that it is something that I am doing (or not doing) that turns my huband off. Can I really believe that in all of our marriage there has never been even one moment where my husband felt “safe” enough to want to be intimate with me? We never even have sex on birthdays, anniversarys, on date nights, at Christmas, on holiday, etc.
    Recently my husband insisted that God had healed him of his fear of sex and I really thought that maybe I’d got my miracle. But nothing has changed – its still the same old same old, only now what can I say? You’re not healed?
    I used to be very hurt, cry a lot, get very demanding, cry some more. Cry out to God, plead with Him to help me. But now I just feel cold, numb and empty. I cant divorce him as financially we’d be ruined but that is the only reason I stay.
    I love God and know that he loves us aand hates divorce and wants us to succeed – but I cant have sex with God can i? Even in the garden of Eden, with an immortal perfect body, no stress, no worries and with a perfect intimate relationship with God where they walked and talked face to face – God said of Adam:- “it is not good for man to be alone”. How can God be enough for me in this imperfect world when He wasnt enough for Adam?
    My husband is also a committed christian and thinks that I need to find my identity in Christ and not be defined by whether or not not he sleeps with me.
    I think that is patronising and missing the point of what marriage is really about.
    I dont know what else to do, I have cried me a river and cried out to God but dont understand why nothing changes – and in fact just gets worst.
    I am very angry at God too as I feel that my prayers are falling on deaf ears.
    I know that I am falling out of love with my husband and that my heart is growing ever colder. I can identify with the lady who called her and her husband room mates – I need a good reason why i should keep on trying?

  22. Adelaida
    October 27, 2014 | 8:14 am

    Well, I doubt that my pastor would help me in that matter. so I don’t know about the advice to seek help from church. But I do agree that both parties are guilt. Sex life is not static, it’s an ever-developing experience. If you got it right at the beginning, it doesn’t mean that will be enough for the rest of your life, because a person tends to get tired of everything and needs some new things. Our intimate life has changed for the better when we started incorporating some toys into your routine. A small rabbit vibrator for me, a ring for him and it got much more interesting! I would recommend everybody to always incorporate some new things in the bedroom.

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