To celebrate OFM’s 2nd birthday we are answering the top 6 reader’s questions:
The #1 Question – What can I do when my spouse doesn’t want to have sex?
Yup, you guessed it, the #1 question we are asked by One Flesh Marriage readers is, “What do I do when my spouse doesn’t want to have sex?” Does it surprise you that we get this question from BOTH husbands and wives? Wives who desire more sex then their husbands -are real. As with any sexual intimacy issues, things get emotional and very hard. So what is a wife who wants more sex with her hubby to do?
In this post I’m going to talk to the wives who don’t know what to do when their husband leaves them sexually unfulfilled. (Don’t worry guys; Brad is going to answer the same question for sexually frustrated husbands tomorrow.)
I share with all wives who write to us and ask this question, “I wish there was an easy answer or a quick fix that I could give you to make things different in your marriage and sexual intimacy.” Sadly there isn’t Every marriage is unique just as every individual is. Yet there are a few things you can do to encourage growth in all areas of your marriage and intimacy. As you grow in intimacy sex, or at least dealing with sexual issues, becomes easier.
Seek to serve your hubby in other ways.
Find ways to do things for your hubby that really speak love and respect to him. What does he enjoy? Find ways to share those things with him. When you desire the closeness that sexual intimacy brings it can be hard, but building other areas of intimacy will help you from creating walls and gaps in your marriage.
Talk openly and honestly with your hubby
It is never an easy for a wife to talk openly with her husband about why sex disappeared from the marriage. It is equally difficult for her to share her desire to have more sexual intimacy with her husband. It might be hard, but always it is so important. You need to share with your hubby how you are feeling and how you want to see your marriage grow in ways that will bring you closer. Do not suffer in silence.
At the same time you need to avoid communicating in a way that will only cause pain and discord. Be careful not to start a war of pointing fingers and blame. Remember that desiring sex and fulfilling his wife’s sexual needs, is in his mind part of being a “man”. As you talk openly make sure to lift him up.
The truth is you both have a part in the issue, even if one of you started it. For your hubby to be receptive, you need to be willing to own up to your part and be willing to work on that.
You need to be able to listen to how your hubby feels and why he may think he is struggling. Most spouses who struggle with desire know that they have a problem but they are embarrassed and unsure how to seek the help they need.
Seek help from your church
Seek to find a married couple or pastoral couple who can meet with you both and help you navigate through these waters. Perhaps they will have experience or know of other resources for you to try. They can guide you through the scriptures and pray with you. Struggling alone is not a good thing by any means. As hard as it may be to be vulnerable, once you share, I believe the benefits of that relationship will be a blessing. I think it is fine to share in a letter or email for the first time. It can be a bit less awkward and then the couple knows some of what is going on before meeting.
Remember that you are responsible for you
This is always a hard for people to hear. Yet the reality is that you are responsible and ultimately will have to answer before God one day for how you have handled yourself. When you are frustrated and feel justified in wanting to throw up your hands, remember that God still calls you to be the wife of His word! He never said it would be easy. What he did promise was to be with us through all of it. When our husbands are not there for us in the ways we need, God can meet our every need. I know, that sounds so easy to think but so hard to do. Yet it is also very true. If we are lacking anything in our marriage, we need to continue to love and respect our husband as God calls and to lean on Him for any of the needs that are not being met.
There is always HOPE
No one wants to go through their marriage feeling as if they are in a barren desert with no way out. If you are currently camping in that desert, remember that our God is faithful and he desires for your marriage to grow out of the barren place.
You are not alone. There are others whose marriages are struggling with similar issues. Also there are others who have gone before you and have experienced healing in their marriage. There is great hope in God’s plan for marriage. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the lies that are fed to you daily. Hold on to Jesus!
If you are a wife and are currently struggling with desiring more sex then your hubby, how are you moving forward in a positive way?
If you are a wife who has been there in the past, how did you and your hubby overcome these hurdles?
This is post #11 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October.