To celebrate OFM’s 2nd birthday we are answering the top 6 reader’s questions:
Question #6 - What do I do if I don’t feel my spouse is attractive anymore?
Attraction is a tricky thing. It is part innate, part consumption, part attitude. I remember first learning this lesson as a teen. I sat next to a new girl in class, I thought she was very attractive, until she opened her mouth. After enduring only a week of her crass attitude and bullying comments all shreds of attraction disappeared. Nothing about her outward appearance changed, but the mind behind the eyes that were looking at her changed dramatically!
When one of One Flesh Marriage’s readers asks what to do when they don’t find their wife attractive anymore I can’t help but wonder if what changed is as much between the husband’s ears as the stretch marks under her clothes.
Before you go pointing an accusing finger at your wife for “letting herself go” make sure to consider a few factors.
How do we know what beautiful is? Part of it is internal, what we find attractive. But that isn’t everything. Our perception of beautiful is influenced by the comparison material we allow into our minds. Some of this is difficult to avoid. We are inundated by images of “beauty” from advertisements in almost every corner of our world. However, many men also consume these images in “culturally acceptable pornography” like Men’s magazines such as Maxium, SI Swimsuit Edition, and Men’s Health.
If you consume these images of beauty, or pornography’s images of beauty your filter is broken. You will no longer be able to adequately judge if you wife is beautiful. Step back, fix your filter then look again!
Guys you might have married a 20 year old, but she will not stay 20 forever.
Storks Don’t Exist
Those babies that you created together were not dropped off by the stork. The love that created them also leave distended stomachs, stretch marks, and maybe a few gray hairs.
Look in the Mirror Too
Sometimes our culture is much more lenient on men’s bulging waistline and aging process then we are on a womans. This just isn’t fair. Make sure you are judging on an even playing field.
What IF it’s True?
If you can honestly say:
- You have not destroyed your “filter” with inappropriate and unrealistic images of other women,
- You accept the normal aging process,
- You don’t mind the impact that babies have on your wife, and
- You have taken a hard look in the mirror
And you still have a concern over your wife’s appearance what do you do?
Sexually Attractive or Healthy?
Telling your wife saying “I don’t find you sexually attractive anymore” is devastating! Don’t do it! It will not motivate change. On the other hand saying, “I want to make sure we can grow old together, what can we do together to be healthier?” is a much better approach.
Confidence Is Sexy
I don’t care what her body looks like, if you build her up she will feel better about herself. When a woman feels confident about their body it impacts the way they look. The opposite is true too. If you use negative comments in an attempt to motivate you will create the exact opposite effect.
Clothing Makes the Woman
Is your wife being frugal to help the family? Is she still wearing clothes that don’t fit right? You might be appalled at a $40 price tag on a new bra, but you will probably love the result. Put aside some money and help her to prioritize a few items that will accentuate what God has given her. It will make a difference!
Last but not least…
For The Ladies
I know that there are quite a few women reading this post too. Please know that a majority of husbands find their wives just as stunningly gorgeous today as the day we first laid eyes on you. Do not think for a moment that all husbands think this way. We don’t! That being said, I encourage you to re-read the heading “Confidence is Sexy”. It is simply exciting when you feel confident enough to allow us to see and enjoy the gifts you have been given! Trust me!
This is post #1 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October.