To celebrate OFM’s 2nd birthday we are answering the top 6 reader’s questions:
The #1 Question – What can I do when my spouse doesn’t want to have sex?
Sexually starving, living in a sexual drought, rejected, lost, abandoned, dismissed. These are just a few of the words that husbands have used when talking about what it feels like when sexual intimacy is missing from their marriage.
I’ve challenged husbands to make sure they are actively taking part in family responsibilities and making time for sex. (The Libido Fairy)
I’ve talked about all of the ways to introduce and maintain romance in your marriage, a very important part of growing your sexual intimacy. (Sex on the Grill or How to Heat Things Up)
I’ve challenged men that the ways they are asking for sex, and the ways they are testing to see if their wife is “in the mood” might be creating the opposite effect. (Sex: The Art of Asking for More)
I’ve encouraged men to move past begging for sexual release, and start actually talking about making changes in their sexual intimacy with their wife. (Life in Sexual Drought- Begging for Change)
I’ve given tools about how to have meaningful conversations about your sex life with your wife, and how to express your desire for more sexual intimacy with the woman you married. (The 6 Step No Guilt Game Plan to More Sex)
I’ve warned husbands of the dangers when they feel sexually desperate and their wife feels sexually used. Leading to more hurt and even less motivation to be intimate. (The Sexless Marriage Catch 22)
You are the 99%
Included in those posts are dozens of ideas, and hundreds of things to consider on how to change a sexless marriage. Husbands, we cannot sit back and blame this issue entirely on our wives. We have to own that we have helped to create this issue and we must be an active part of the solution. 99% of the time we have not done all we can to change our marriage. I know it feels like it is all her fault, but as long we have not done all we can, and done our part we are part of the problem.
Every once in a while I get a letter from a hurting and desperate husband who is at the end of the line. He says he has tried it all. He says that his wife feels loved, feels supported, that she understands his desire is for intimacy and not just for sexual release. He says “we’ve tried to get help.”
Is there a point at which a sexless and uncaring wife can be divorced from a Christian perspective?
For the last 9 1/2 years we average having sex twice per year. I love my wife more than I can express. I have brought up and talked about our sex life every single year, usually a couple of times. Her reasoning for not having sex with me is that she has no desire and that she does not want to just lay there because then she will resent me. I have told her how I feel, how hurt I am, that this is destroying our marriage, and that more than anything I want the closeness and intimacy in our marriage that should be there.
I do not know how to live in a home with a woman I love and want so much, and yet cannot have and who is unwilling to change.
(An OFM reader comment, edited for length)
I don’t have an ending to this post…
My heart breaks for this family. I pray that they are able to find a way to move out of this desperate place and find restoration. I know that God restores, I know that God can save.
I pray that if you are a husband in a sexless marriage you will visit the other posts and be honest about being in the 99%. I pray that you will prayerfully consider and pay attention to how you can change your marriage.
I also want to be honest that living is a sexless marriage is a serious, marriage altering desperate situation.
Husbands: Are you in the 99%?
Wives: How would you answer this letter? What would you tell him, and (if you could) what would you tell his wife?
This is post #12 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October.