Kate says . . .
Have you ever gone through mourning in your life? For many of us we have experienced this, or we will in the future. Perhaps you have mourned a loved one who has passed on or a loved one who has been sick for a long time or a loved one who has taken a path in life that you would not choose for them. All of these are mourning.
I remember a time in our marriage where I mourned. I mourned for the broken dreams of a marriage I had built up into something it never could or should be. In a sense it was a death of a dream. If you take some time to think on it, all marriages have gone through this. It may be dreams you have created in your head or expectations you have placed on your marriage.
Dreams are what we conjure up in our head about marriage and what the relationship with our spouse will be like. Many times these happen before we are married, while we are engaged and dating. We have all kinds of ideas about sharing a home, romance, sex, having children together, etc. Dreams have their time and place, but also the potential to derail our marriage.
Expectation are what we think should be happening in our marriage. Characteristics and actions we would like our spouse to have. We all enter marriage with expectations, and that continues through the life of our marriage. Expectations come from our family we grew up in, ways we were loved, as well as preferences we have in life. Expectations also have their time and place but can really keep a marriage from oneness.
What to do with dreams and expectations?
A few questions to ask yourself . . .
- Are the dreams and or expectations that I hold encouraging and helpful to my marriage?
- Am I stuck wanting a dream so much that the reality will never measure up?
- Can I talk openly and share my dreams for our marriage with my husband?
- Does my hubby know of my specific desires (expectations) for him in our marriage, as my husband, as a dad?
If you cannot share your dreams and expectations with your hubby, they most likely are not doing your marriage any good. In fact they are harming your growth and one flesh journey. Being able to be open and transparent, means that you hubby already knows these things about you, or you have been open enough to share new things. Most dreams and expectations, we keep to ourselves or we end up voicing them in a critical way. I remember many times where I would expect something of Brad or I would compare him to my “dream” and it never was a positive in our marriage.
Let them go!
Letting the dream of what you thought marriage should be and what you still think it should be die is so freeing to your marriage. I don’t mean healthy dreams that you share together. But unrealistic fairy tale type of dreams. Let them go. Turn to God and seek what he desires for your marriage. We are fed many lies daily about what marriage should be like. Through media, books and advertisement we see a picture of marriage that is so attractive, so fun and always romantic. Letting those dreams and expectations go will allow you to experience what God desires for your marriage.
Do you struggle with what that dream of marriage you have put on a pedestal? If so, how have you let go of the dream, and moved into God’s plan for marriage?