It hurts: A message to higher-drive wives

We are excited to introduce Annabel who is a marriage blogger from Spice and Love. Annabel is a voice for the higher sex drive wife, which is such an important need in the Christian marriage blogging community. 

Annabel says…

If you are like me, you remember your wedding day with clarity. Mine was such a precious day – joining myself to the man that I had never believed I would marry. Becoming a wife – a joy I never truly thought I would experience. We came into our marriage as virgins, and I came in with the usual words of wisdom ringing in my ears. “Sex will be a wonderful gift between you and your husband. But be warned – men need sex much, much more than women. So be ready to sacrifice and serve him. Be ready to say yes much more than you probably want to.” The words were communicated in a loving and healthy way, but I still remember struggling with fear. The man I loved was probably going to turn into some sort of sexual beast-monster after marriage! Could I truly handle his incredible needs?spice-and-loves

The marriage bed came – full of wonder and bliss. In fact, I loved it so much that during our honeymoon my husband had to say “Can we take a break?” I thought it was an unusual but isolated incident. We came home and set up “real life”, and I found that the “isolated incident” was in fact, a way of life. As weeks turned into months and then years, a definite pattern emerged. I wanted sex often. He didn’t. I felt sex connected us. He felt it was the result of our connection. I wanted us to be intimate after we had been angry with each other. He couldn’t find the emotional reserve to try and sexually connect when we had argued. 

I cried so many tears. I heard “no” in one form or another so many times. Sometimes it was said with kindness. Other times it was a simple cold shoulder, a turning of the back. I wondered what was wrong with me – how could I be so sexually driven? Was I unattractive? Was I the sexual beast-monster? I wept for the marriage I had dreamt of, and wasn’t living in.

If this story is familiar at all, then I want to speak to your heart. I am a “spicy wife” – a woman who has a stronger sex drive than her husband. These mismatched desires have created a marriage bed rarely talked about in Christian circles, and one that I certainly hadn’t heard of before my own marriage. As I began to try to find resources to help my marriage, I found blog and books written to (and from) lower-drive wives. Wonderful in their own right, but the same message I had heard all of my life – and one so inapplicable to me. In fact, it caused my marriage no end of grief when I tried to implement some of their strategies. “Ladies, try wearing nothing but one of his business shirts and seducing him when he walks in the door!”. The response? Not what the books said it would be, that’s for sure. My husband doesn’t react the same way that (apparently) many others do. And I don’t seem to be made with the same lack of sexual drive that (apparently) many other wives have.

Today, as I sit at my table and write this post, I am glad to say that Mr. Spice (my husband) and I are on the road towards sexual unity and healing. We aren’t perfect, and we have many miles left to travel, but we are farther down that road than we have ever been – and we are both grateful. But I know the pain of refusal. I have cried the tears of rejection. I have endeavored to have the talk, to communicate my side, to reach a point of agreement so many times – and failed. And I share my story with you in order to simply say this:

You are not alone.

It hurts, I know. 

There is hope.

In some of my own dark hours – when all hope seemed lost – one of my deepest needs was to simply hear that I wasn’t alone. I needed to know that I was not the strangest anomaly known to womenkind. I needed to hear that there were others like me. And believe me, dear friend, there are. There are so, so, so many of us. We are lonely, aching, beautiful wives. We are the beloved of Christ. We are daughters of a good Father. We are many. So if you are a higher-drive wife – welcome. Welcome to the spicy wives club. Welcome to the light.

The journey that we walk is so often full of aching pain. I know. It wounds us deeply. It marks our femininity. It scars our marriages. I am sure that there are higher-drive wives with healthy and wonderful marriages out there (and please, please – if that is your story will you share it? We desperately need stories of hope.). The truth is, though, that if you are perusing marriage blogs it is probably not because your story is one of life (yet). You are wounded. You are grieving. And it’s okay. You need permission to lay your head beside the grave of all the hopes and dreams you had and truly mourn. You need to know that your tears are valid. You are allowed to grieve. God is big enough to handle your anger, your questions, your doubt, your fears. So embrace the hurt, sister. It’s the only real way through.

There is hope.

Do those words reach out to you through this screen as a beacon of light? I pray it resounds so soundly into your hearts – there. is. hope. His name is Jesus. He is the living, breathing, loving embodiment of all that is good. He has fought the war to make all things right. And He alone can pull your heart from the wreckage. He alone can restore what the locust has stolen. He alone is the one glorious sun that can align all the planets in your galaxy – set everything right. His grace is sufficient for, yes, even this. I cannot promise you a perfect story, but I can promise you a perfect ending. All shall be well.

There is wisdom to be gleaned. There are practical things you can do. You may have a part to play in your husband’s lower drive. You may not. He may be addicted to porn, or have another sin or medical issue that is hampering his drive. Or he may simply have a lower drive than you. It may take counseling and pastoral care to restore your marriage bed. Or you may need to learn to listen, to communicate, to pursue. I write about all of this on my blog, and you are welcome to come join the community and conversation. But if you never do (and that’s okay), I want to make sure you hear one thing – you are loved. You are known. You are not an island – you are part of a strong and beautiful sisterhood.

Embrace your spice.

Embrace your journey.

Embrace the One who can make all things right.

Your sister,

Annabel

Annabel is a higher-drive wife who posts about love, sex and marriage on her blog spiceandlove.wordpress.com. She has been married 2006 and loves the Lord, her husband, and her kids. 

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14 Responses to It hurts: A message to higher-drive wives

  1. Wonderful post Annabel! I hope and pray that spicy wives who thought they are alone hear this and feel loved. I hope and pray they feel God wrapping His arms around them and know how much they are loved.

  2. Excellent post and very well thought out, I am the higher drive in my marriage also … I finally had to tell my hubby that I needed him more. He was more than willing once he understood how his “rejection” hurt … he didn’t realize that him not wanting to do it as much as me came across as rejection to me … not what he intended at all. We dairy farm and he works long hard hours. So there are many a day he just doesn’t have the energy, but he tries for my sake and his 🙂 Talk to him, they can’t read our minds! And to continue feeling rejected is silly … gotta talk it out … it worked for me … he had no clue how I was feeling until I told him …

  3. I found your blog tonight by hazard by reading another blog I follow on respect. I’m married since 9 months and 1/2 but your story totally reflected mine. Few months ago, I realized that I needed to change and started the process of learning to respect my husband. I still have a long way to go but I do improve little by little. When I will have regain the trust of my husband, I do hope there will be a change. I think respect is the master key as your wrote it in this article and I cried to God to change me and make me this woman of quiet and gentle spirit. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I do know that I’m normal now, we’ll at least as 1/4 of women 🙂 and that my husband too. I feel so much encouraged and especially not alone. Be blessed!

  4. I have tears in my eyes reading this because you have so connected with my pain, grief, shame, anger and confusion. I’m new to the blog. Thanks for helping me see I’m not so crazy, so alone…

  5. I feel like there is no way out my hubby refuses point blank and no amount of talking about things helps he just refuses and that is that he refuses to talk about it and says that I have a pshycological problem and am hung up about sex and that once every two to three months is normal anything above that is in his eyes obsessive behaviour that needs medical help. Can anyone give me feedback on what to do I am ready to end things completely as there is no intimacy left

  6. A very inspiring post on a very inspiring blog. I am similar to you in a high drive that doesn’t seem to relent.

    I agree it hurts when people make assumptions about who has the higher drive and who doesn’t. We should be careful about any assumptions as well as making absolute statements. For instance, I read those saying size doesn’t matter when it does for me. Both an assumption and an absolute there. I also hear some say men prefer “sex” while women like “making love”. In my case, I actually like the physical as much as anything else as it translates to the emotional, mental and even spiritual.

    So I relate to your thoughts here. Thank you!!

  7. Don’t feel bad, I want to share my perspective from the other side. I on the other hand have a very high sex drive, but my partner doesn’t have as big as a desire as mine. This often makes me get worried if he is going to leave me because of that, it’s something that haunts the back of my mind constantly. The important thing is to talk issues like this through, as only then you will both the have the understanding that is needed to keep the relationship alive. Best wishes, Andrea.

  8. I feel like Brenda. My husband flat out refuses. I have talked til I am blue in the face. I have a “problem” I am “addicted” to sex, “Is that all you think about is sex?” And to top it all off last weekend he said one of the reason he doesn’t want it is bc I have gained weight. He does have a medical problem, he cannot have children, and has low testosterone. I actually think I could be more understanding about not having sex as often if his words were more uplifting and if he made me feel beautiful otherwise. I am desperate, hurt, and I have no idea where to turn.

    • Just keep trying to keep the dialogue with him open and honest and don’t take it completely personal … maybe he needs a check up? Just a thought 🙂 One never knows … As a society we females have always been taught to be the submissive one, always ready, willing and able to spread and be/get ready … but that isn’t always reality … and as we age our relationships will shift and change as well … and sex is one of those things that is not off limits to those ebbs and flows in our marriages … keep your chin up, keep praying and asking God how to approach him and perhaps you will have the breakthrough you are needing/wanting … A fellow sister in the same boat/sometimes … lol 😉

    • Linda,

      I too have low testosterone like your husband. Find a physician who can prescribe testosterone replacement therapy. It will turn him into a raging sex addict 🙂

      • He has been prescribed testosterone, but refuses to take it, bc the most effect way is a shot in the rear so he won’t take it. 🙁

        • I think you need to have a deeper conversation about his reasons. If it is really to avoid a shot, then take one of the “less effective methods”. I’m guessing there might be more behind this.

          • I believe there is a deeper reason as well, it’s just getting him to open up about it and tell me. I have been with him for almost 10 years and married for 6, all I know are the medical results. I have asked him if pherhaps he was abused, but he adamatley says no. Yesterday he just plain out says he has zero desire, just doesn’t want it. I am going to schedule him yet another Dr. appt and see where that will lead us.