We are excited to introduce Annabel who is a marriage blogger from Spice and Love. Annabel is a voice for the higher sex drive wife, which is such an important need in the Christian marriage blogging community.
If you are like me, you remember your wedding day with clarity. Mine was such a precious day – joining myself to the man that I had never believed I would marry. Becoming a wife – a joy I never truly thought I would experience. We came into our marriage as virgins, and I came in with the usual words of wisdom ringing in my ears. “Sex will be a wonderful gift between you and your husband. But be warned – men need sex much, much more than women. So be ready to sacrifice and serve him. Be ready to say yes much more than you probably want to.” The words were communicated in a loving and healthy way, but I still remember struggling with fear. The man I loved was probably going to turn into some sort of sexual beast-monster after marriage! Could I truly handle his incredible needs?
The marriage bed came – full of wonder and bliss. In fact, I loved it so much that during our honeymoon my husband had to say “Can we take a break?” I thought it was an unusual but isolated incident. We came home and set up “real life”, and I found that the “isolated incident” was in fact, a way of life. As weeks turned into months and then years, a definite pattern emerged. I wanted sex often. He didn’t. I felt sex connected us. He felt it was the result of our connection. I wanted us to be intimate after we had been angry with each other. He couldn’t find the emotional reserve to try and sexually connect when we had argued.
I cried so many tears. I heard “no” in one form or another so many times. Sometimes it was said with kindness. Other times it was a simple cold shoulder, a turning of the back. I wondered what was wrong with me – how could I be so sexually driven? Was I unattractive? Was I the sexual beast-monster? I wept for the marriage I had dreamt of, and wasn’t living in.
If this story is familiar at all, then I want to speak to your heart. I am a “spicy wife” – a woman who has a stronger sex drive than her husband. These mismatched desires have created a marriage bed rarely talked about in Christian circles, and one that I certainly hadn’t heard of before my own marriage. As I began to try to find resources to help my marriage, I found blog and books written to (and from) lower-drive wives. Wonderful in their own right, but the same message I had heard all of my life – and one so inapplicable to me. In fact, it caused my marriage no end of grief when I tried to implement some of their strategies. “Ladies, try wearing nothing but one of his business shirts and seducing him when he walks in the door!”. The response? Not what the books said it would be, that’s for sure. My husband doesn’t react the same way that (apparently) many others do. And I don’t seem to be made with the same lack of sexual drive that (apparently) many other wives have.
Today, as I sit at my table and write this post, I am glad to say that Mr. Spice (my husband) and I are on the road towards sexual unity and healing. We aren’t perfect, and we have many miles left to travel, but we are farther down that road than we have ever been – and we are both grateful. But I know the pain of refusal. I have cried the tears of rejection. I have endeavored to have the talk, to communicate my side, to reach a point of agreement so many times – and failed. And I share my story with you in order to simply say this:
You are not alone.
It hurts, I know.
There is hope.
In some of my own dark hours – when all hope seemed lost – one of my deepest needs was to simply hear that I wasn’t alone. I needed to know that I was not the strangest anomaly known to womenkind. I needed to hear that there were others like me. And believe me, dear friend, there are. There are so, so, so many of us. We are lonely, aching, beautiful wives. We are the beloved of Christ. We are daughters of a good Father. We are many. So if you are a higher-drive wife – welcome. Welcome to the spicy wives club. Welcome to the light.
The journey that we walk is so often full of aching pain. I know. It wounds us deeply. It marks our femininity. It scars our marriages. I am sure that there are higher-drive wives with healthy and wonderful marriages out there (and please, please – if that is your story will you share it? We desperately need stories of hope.). The truth is, though, that if you are perusing marriage blogs it is probably not because your story is one of life (yet). You are wounded. You are grieving. And it’s okay. You need permission to lay your head beside the grave of all the hopes and dreams you had and truly mourn. You need to know that your tears are valid. You are allowed to grieve. God is big enough to handle your anger, your questions, your doubt, your fears. So embrace the hurt, sister. It’s the only real way through.
There is hope.
Do those words reach out to you through this screen as a beacon of light? I pray it resounds so soundly into your hearts – there. is. hope. His name is Jesus. He is the living, breathing, loving embodiment of all that is good. He has fought the war to make all things right. And He alone can pull your heart from the wreckage. He alone can restore what the locust has stolen. He alone is the one glorious sun that can align all the planets in your galaxy – set everything right. His grace is sufficient for, yes, even this. I cannot promise you a perfect story, but I can promise you a perfect ending. All shall be well.
There is wisdom to be gleaned. There are practical things you can do. You may have a part to play in your husband’s lower drive. You may not. He may be addicted to porn, or have another sin or medical issue that is hampering his drive. Or he may simply have a lower drive than you. It may take counseling and pastoral care to restore your marriage bed. Or you may need to learn to listen, to communicate, to pursue. I write about all of this on my blog, and you are welcome to come join the community and conversation. But if you never do (and that’s okay), I want to make sure you hear one thing – you are loved. You are known. You are not an island – you are part of a strong and beautiful sisterhood.
Embrace your spice.
Embrace your journey.
Embrace the One who can make all things right.
Annabel is a higher-drive wife who posts about love, sex and marriage on her blog spiceandlove.wordpress.com. She has been married 2006 and loves the Lord, her husband, and her kids.