The Contentious Wife

Kate says . . .

Proverbs 25:24 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” (NIV)

We all have scriptures that we aspire to be like, ones that we strive for. Then there are those scriptures that we hope and pray we are nothing like. This verse from Proverbs is one of those verses. Solomon is giving his sons words of wisdom throughout the book of Proverbs. He shares this same principle about a quarrelsome wife many times throughout the book of Proverbs. You may wonder why he shares it 5 times, my hubby has said on many occasions that Proverbs repeats itself time and time again because it was written for men, and they need to be reminded many times. Honestly he said that! It made me laugh. Anyway, Solomon had many wives and concubines (another post for another day, delving into that), so I am sure he knew what a contentious or quarrelsome wife was. We have heard these verses, what exactly is a quarrelsome or contentious wife?

yellingThe word quarrelsome in the dictionary is defined as:

  1. Given to quarreling; contentious
  2. Marked by quarreling.
  3. synonyms argumentative, belligerent.

The word contentious in the dictionary is defined as:

  1. Given to contention; quarrelsome.
  2. Involving or likely to cause contention; controversial

Yikes! Those are definitely not words I want used to describe me as a wife. “She was a great person, but she was given to quarreling, being argumentative and on occasion belligerent, where her husband was concerned!” Can you imagine that on your tombstone or spoken at your eulogy? Hmm not exactly the sweet words I hope others will remember about me. Yet I know there have been times in our marriage, where I was airing much more on the side of contentious then uplifting, supporting and loving my hubby. So what characteristics are involved in being a contentions wife?

Looking for Opportunities

You know those times in your life, when you are just waiting for the ideal moment to unload on your husband? It may have nothing at all to do with him, or it may have everything to do with him, either way it feels good to unload, to be in control and to have the upper hand. Anyone ever had a moment like that? Usually afterwards you feel awful because you know it wasn’t right. You may even try to justify your actions in your head.

When you find yourself looking for a reason to unload, ask yourself why. Is there something you really need to talk and communicate with your husband about? Do you need a hug and to tell him you are having a stressful or emotional day? Do you need to tell him all about the insane day you had? Try not to use your hubby as a punching bag of sorts and if you do need to talk about something that is bothering you, that does involve him, try to do so in a way, that will encourage talking and working together. Not put him on the defensive from the start.

Want Things Done Your Way & In Your Time

We are wives and we like control. Everyone stand up and raise your right hand and say, “My name is (insert your name) and I am addicted to control,” there doesn’t that feel better?

I AM a recovering control addict. I like control, I like things the way I like them and in my time. Yet that is not what marriage is. It is not about one person anymore, it is about TWO people becoming one. That means we have to be willing to die to the self and put our spouses needs and wants before our own. If we always want, what we want, when we want it, we will be contentious!

Respect

Well now, doesn’t a ton of this come down to respect? If we seek to respect our husband, then I believe we will be rid of much of the quarrelsome attitudes and behaviors. Lift your hubby up and encourage him as the head of your family. Encourage him in his work, listen and ask about his day at work. Encourage him to find time for just him to relax (yes I know this is hard, since we work hard too, but he needs down time as well). Love him even with his faults, tell him you love him just the way he is! Help him in the areas he struggles, as a helper with a servant spirit-not a taker over and controller! Tell him you are proud of him and appreciate all that he does for you and the family!

I think Solomon was on to something

Would you want to live with this?wife complaining

  • A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day (Proverbs 27:15)
  • A foolish child is a father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof. (Proverbs 19:13)
  • Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9)
  • Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. (Proverbs 21:19)
  • It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 25:24)

What are other ways you can think of that can be seen as being quarrelsome toward your husband? I would love to hear all of your thoughts, because honestly ladies, we need to be checking ourselves regularly!

(Visited 2,552 times, 4 visits today)

36 Responses to The Contentious Wife

  1. How about “…than to share a house with a refusing wife”??? Because that’s the way I’m headed.
    K

    • Hi Kwala,
      Keep searching God’s heart in this time of dire need and despiration. He is where hope comes from. I am lifting you up right now! Kate

  2. How about that passive/aggressive way of being quarrelsome – NOT responding… Refusing to engage because that pushes your spouse’s buttons. The “it’s fine.” response when BOTH of you know that nothing is “fine”…

    Good post, Kate.

    • GREAT point, Lori! Or when your spouse asks whats wrong and you respond “nothing”, when clearly there is something wrong! Passive aggressive is just as dangerous! Blessings, Kate

  3. The hardest times for me was when I was dealing with severe PMS, called PMDD. I was ready to fight with anyone, especially those I loved most. Praising God that Scott loved me through those years. Even though there are things that cause us to be contentious, it is never an excuse or okay. I found it was best for me to be myself when I could feel the tension building! I knew what I was doing and how I was acting and felt so guilty!

    • Dearest Jenni! I have not suffered from those specific issues, but I do know there are times I am irritable and don’t have a clue why. I used to just go on a war path, but now I have learned to say “Brad, I am irritable and have no clue why!” He as come to appreciate my being honest and can then help. I am thankful too that Brad loved me through the times in the past when I was just downright rude! Ahh I Praise God with you for our hubby’s! 🙂 Kate

  4. How about a wife trying to get somewhere in her marriage but the husband refuses to listen? or do anything about it? or when wife say’s, ‘please, our marriage is falling apart, we need to talk about this and do something about it!” and he says, ‘don’t like it? there’s the door.’. What does the bible says about wives who are neglected in every sense of the word? What does the bible say about men who don’t love their wives, and tell them on a regular basis that they regret the day they married her? How should a christian wife deal with this? sit still and submit in anguish? I came to Christ with hopes of restoring my marriage. I pt my hope in the lord so I can get through this time. Now I am thinking I either need to leave and be potentially homeless or stay with a man who admits he doesn’t love me. I feel like God only cares about what is good for men. I don’t know what to think anymore. I am hurting and lonely and the bible says I should submit and be happy. ok. whatever. Faith is slipping. Sorry. The bible was written for men and we women have to accept it. I love my God but am unsure about the word as it is not written for women. I feel abandoned by every one, including God at this point. Why can’t I be loved?

    • Maria,
      I think this is the first time I’ve posted on a blog, but I read your post and my heart broke. Your current situation is not a good one, but God is good and he loves you both. I urge you to delve into the Word, because it is most assuredly written for women. God has a lot to say to you. Pray. Put God first and He’ll literally change your life (and your marriage).

    • Dearest Maria,

      You are loved! Deeply by a God who wants you to know that he loves you very much. That no matter what happens in your life or your marriage-His love for you will never change. He will never leave you or give up on you.

      I can completely understand the hoping that our relationship with Jesus will make all things better. There is great hope in Jesus, but we have to remember that the hope Jesus gives is not that he will change all of our circumstances, but rather that he is the hope that will sustain us and carry us, giving us life and love, and the ability to do His will for our lives, regardless of whether or not our circumstances do change. Obviously it is good to hope that your hubby’s heart will change, but in all reality, you cannot do anything to change him. You can only, through Jesus’s strength, ne the wife he desires for you to be, even if your husband does not deserve it. Is it easy-no, but it is still what God calls us to do.

      I like what Shana shared and it is key. Jesus is the only one who can meet all of your needs, your husband can’t, even if he wanted to. Dive into your relationship with Jesus. Allow him to bare these burdens for you.

      Remember Maria, you are loved by the Creator of the Universe and His love is better then any human love! Know that you are not alone and that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

      • Oh Maria,
        My heart reaches out to you, as I know by experience what it feels like to feel totally unloved by one’s husband! The excruciating pain, the agony, the loneliness, the dying inside… but remember, God is always there, even if you don’t always feel it. I would like to share that what seems to me to be the biggest turning point was when I devoted myself to a time of fasting and praying, till I felt that God released me to quit. And the point of my prayers were that God would change me, into a vessel for Him; so He could then use me to minister to my husband, too; so that it wasn’t me but God working through me. Because of my own self I truly could not. Soon after that is when I could tell the biggest difference. I still fail as a wife, I am only human, but God has helped me to keep on. I pray for you and your husband, that you may come into a beautiful, intimate relationship with God and each other! When he says or does something very unkind and unloving, I suggest trying to do something nice in return; or see what you can do for him, things he likes to have done for him, even if it is just little things. Praise him in every way you can. Show him respect in every way you can. You are not doing it because his actions deserve it, but because God created him. In reality, though he might not show it or realize it, he is hurting inside too. But I am in no way justifying his actions! Sin is sin, but since God loved me enough to die for me even when I was still living in sin and grieving His heart daily, then I can, through God’s strength and grace, be an example by loving my husband while he is still in sin. Please do not give up!! God strengthen you and bless you richly in grace and courage, and in being a blessing and help to your husband for Christ’s sake! He will see you through, even though at times you cannot see the path; it is then that we need to keep looking to God and trusting Him to carry us through. I would also strongly recommend you to have a friend or circle of friends, that you can reach out to when you need to, to help you and encourage you. I really hope that you will see this, and be encouraged. I would love to get into contact with you.

    • In quick response, the Bible has a lot to say in regards to irresponsible men not looking after his wife. It calls him worse than a man without faith. Another Scripture commands husband’s to KEEP loving his wife. Another tells him to love his wife as he does his own flesh.

    • Hello, I have been living through some of these same experiences. The utter misery and loneliness is beyond any words can convey. It’s like death on every emotional and spiritual level. And it has seemed like God favors men, perhaps he does though I pray for God to be my reward. It does not sound like you are a quitter, so don’t ever stop praying for strength, and love. The Bible has much counsel for women, and since God created us He knows what we need. However it is still up to us to do the work. That work is also inclusive of faith. It is true when one door closes another, or several, open. Work through the pain, others are with you and do understand. The counsel of other, emotionally and spiritually women is out there. Look and you will find. This website is a good start. I don’t have another woman to share with, though searching with prayer with every single click has brought me much sound advice and insight. Only your husband can change what he feels and does with God’s help. You can stregthen your heart to heal through prayer and help will come. I find helping others, human and other creatures of creation, also helps me. Look deeper into yourself. You are both worthy of love and a rewarding marriage. God won’t leave you, just don’t leave him. Even though this may sounds overly simplified, all things will work out if you let it. Pray that you can see beyond the view of the hurt and recognize the gifts that you will be given as well as those you already have been given. Marriage is difficult your marriage may succeed or may not but either way don’t let it be you who gives up due to exhaustion of rejection. Miracles can happen and they do. If he commits adultery or abuses you. Then you have decisions to make. Carry yourself with dignity and grace. God rewards that. Put God ahead of all the other things in your life and you will find the love and peace of heart to help fill in the loneliness that’s what gets me by. Anger resentment and bitterness are a one way street. And it’s not a good one to travel. You may never come back

  5. My husband stopped having sex with me in December, 2011. I begged for counseling last summer and he wouldn’t go. I began to feel that something was weird in March, searched his phone and found a message from a woman thanking him for flowers. He explained it away and I tried to forget about it. Then a month later, I found that he has been texting up to 70 times a day with another woman. Big confrontation and fights and now we are seeing a Christian marriage mediator. He is not saved and justifies what he has been doing by comparing to everything I’ve ever done over the past 30 years that hurt him. He has never forgiven me for anything, and now 8 weeks after I learned of this, he expects that I’ll never bring it up again. We had sex for a couple of weeks only because I initiated and went to a lot of effort, and then he told me no more sex until this matter is all cleared up. That was a month ago. Today my pain just spilled out. The therapist told me that she thinks he is trying to get me to leave, so that to our grown children, I will be the bad guy and he will be the pitiful victim. I feel trapped and so incredibly lonely…I don’t want to stay at this house with him like this, but I don’t think I should leave. He has been masturbating every day, and I would guess using porn to do so. He has been cruel—the therapist said he is very abusive to me and that if I went to the elders at my church, they would probably allow divorce. Oh, and last week, I found out that this woman he was texting is his first girlfriend from high school. I am afraid that it went much further and that he actually went to see her. He lied and lied about the texting until I laid the lists from the phone company on the table and demanded the truth. I think he is still lying about stuff. I’m so sad and hurt right now, and it’s very hard to be kind to him. For a month, I didn’t bring up sex, but today I let it out. He says he’s too tired at night (he doesn’t even work—I do!). So what I will get if I’m “lucky” is five minutes in the morning. I am being punished for only having sex with him 1-2 times a week before. Sometimes it was more than that…but it was never enough, or good enough. I’ve been called a lesbian, a sack of potatoes in bed….he has done everything he can to destroy my self esteem and then I’m supposed to be this sex goddess? And now he doesn’t want me at all.

    • Hi Brokenhearted,

      My heart breaks for your story. But I know there is great hope in Jesus. And that hope is not just in hoping that our circumstances with change, that hope is in the fact that Jesus will NEVER leave us and has a plan for our lives, regardless of whether or not our circumstances change. Please know that you are not alone and that I am lifting you up! Blessings, Kate

  6. Dear Brokenhearted,
    I would be Brokenhearted too in your situation – it’s really a hard place. As I was reading your post I was thinking about my own marriage and some things God has taught me – about Himself – how He is “the Faithful One” (rev 19, deut 7), He is “my Strength”(psalm 59) He is my “Father”(2 pet 1) He is my “Husband” – the One who loves me (Hosea 2: 14-20)
    When things were so bad in my marriage, God was the One who became my beloved – my husband – he is the one who, as Hosea says, ““Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. “In that day,” declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master. ’ I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord. (Hosea 2:14-16, 19, 20 NIV)
    I’m praying for you this morning, that He would fill you and that you might find a group of women – a bible study or small group or even a celebrate recovery group that would walk with you and give you support.

  7. Hi Alice,

    Hmm, that is a tough one. Many times the way we treat and handle money comes from the way we were brought up. Whether we have adopted the same things our parents used or go to the opposite it is molded by that example. There can also be other influences.

    Have you tried to talk to your hubby about how it makes you feel that you always have to ask for money? I would take some time to share from your heart, how that makes you feel. Also to sit a bit and reflect on how you were brought up to handle and value money, know that it shapes how you feel about your husbands tactics.

    I know I am not in your situation and don’t know exactly what is going on, but I don’t think this means your husband doesn’t love you. I think it more speaks to how he has learned to deal with money. He may very well think he is doing the best thing he can for you.

    Talk to him and share your heart. Then listen and hear his!

    Blessings, Kate

  8. I’ve only been married for 4 mo, we are both Christians but I find myself confused and full of anxiety. I love my husband he is a great man. I moved to a new city, I left my old home, my family, my old job, my friends, I has been a total change for me and I did this because I love my husband. He owns his business and I work full time, unfortunatly the business doesnt produce much, or at least I don’t see the funds, leaving me to cover all our major expenses. I hate asking for money for bills, so I just work, get over time and pay them. On top of that from time to time I go a spend time with him at his shop after I get off. The household chores are placed on hold til I can get to them. I want to please my husband and so if he asks me to do something for him, I cancel or change what I have goig on, to accomodate him. I feel that he doesnt take into consideration that I need time for myself. I dont understand why he doesnt see this. We recently has an argument, I was upset for things at work and i was passive agressive, I realize that, I apologized and his response was ” its too late now, isnt it?”, i understood as my apology was not accepted. He told me that from now on he will just walk way, he will not deal with it. Of course I feel horrible, the Holy Spirit, tuggs at my heart as I ready Proverbs 21. He had a rough divorce, and sometimes I feel that he hasnt had 100% closure on all aspects, emotionally, phsycologically, peronally, and he is always with his guard up. He tell me that “he has no expectations of me as a wife or partner”
    i want to be the wife God created me to be but its just mentally overwhelming. I realize I have faults, and I am working on them. I just feel discouraged.

  9. Stupid misogynistic verses from an outdated, misogynistic old book. How and why would Christians who profess the Bible to be true take advice from a man who had upwards of 1000 sexual relations (something which is a big sin according to God)

    • Hi Jennifer, thanks for commenting. Honestly . . . because I (we) believe that God’s ways are not our ways and we cannot fully understand them. But we trust and know that God loves us and sent His son to die for us. There is wisdom and teaching in all of His word. There are things that are confusing and at times seem contradictory-but that is us trying to understand them. So while I see your point, I truly do, I still choose to believe! Thanks for stopping by! Blessings, Kate

  10. The labels people have these days are sad. If you are a nice guy you get labeled weak or a creeper. You say anything about the “Bad Behavior” that “Some” modern women show and you get labeled a misogynist. The book of proverbs is a wealth of good advice for both men and women. The end of the book of proverbs talks of the virtuous woman.
    Feminism tells women lies much like the serpent told Eve a lie. The serpent told eve she could be equal to God. Feminism tells women they can be equal to men. Hmm similarities. The genders were created differently for a reason. If “Some Women” want to buy into the lie that feminism is selling them, then I say fine let them suffer as single mothers and do Everything the man once did for them and then cry on Saturday night when they are sitting there with the ice cream and the cat. Feminism was created to Destroy the Family and nothing besides.

    • So John are you saying that it’s Gods will that women arn’t treated as equal citizens and were restricted to being housewives and mothers all their lives? I’m pretty sure that Galatians 3:28 says different. The book of proverbs does nothing but re-inforce sexism by primarily portraying women as the villain. Why is the promiscuous woman to blame when the man should have better self control than to be dominated by his penis? Also it tells you to beat your child. I call that parental abuse! The old testament is defunct according to your own new testament in any case.

    • Hi Stephen, that is a great question. I think praying and seeking God on how you can serve your wife and love her no matter what is the best place to start. Then seeking to love her through her love language. Seeking to love her and serve her even when she is not deserving or reciprocating. Seek God’s word on what it asks of you as a husband. Ask God to help you to do those things for your wife. You CANNOT change her, but you can bless her and love her in her contentiousness! You gift of love and grace can speak volumes to her in her selfishness. Know that you will need to lean on God for strength and perseverance. Pray that God would change you during this time and that he would give you eyes of compassion for your wife. I appreciate your question so much, Stephen! Lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  11. Well my wife and I are both Christians we have a 4 year old and a1 month old we recently got into a big argument I crused at her and she now is giving me the silent treatment as she often does when we have the slightest disagreements. She always has an attitude but it is much worse when she has her period I try to help her out with everything in the house I rub her back and I ask her if there is anything I can do for her I Love her very much and care for her I work and she stays at home with the kids in the past when she has done me wrong she never apologizes she listens to Charles Stanley,Joyce Meyers,and a lot of other preaching and I wo if any of it is getting through to her I’m not perfect and I know she’s not I smoke and am trying hard to stop but it is very hard when get stressed out about how our marriage is . She never says good morning and rarely says goodnight she almost always wakes up with an attitude she hardly ever smiles . We do talk about things when we aren’t silent.she will never give me a hug on her own unless I ask her she is very unaffectionet she says that’s the way she grew up with very little or no affection in her home.i am a very physical person and I carve affection.i think that she really just doesn’t like or for that matter even love me the way I do her I hate to say it but I wish we didn’t have kids together and that we werent married.it seems like we will never work things out . HELP !

    • Hi SF, I know this is going to be hard to hear, but the only things you can do are pray and be the husband God is calling you to be to your wife. You cannot make her change, but your attitude can be a catalyst to change. Seeking to love and serve her as God is calling you to do, even if she is not returning that or deserving of it, is so so hard. But it is truly what God calls of us as husbands and wives. It is something that only God can get you through. Keep seeking God and perhaps find an accountability partner to pray with you and uplift you. Please know that I am praying for you right now. You are not alone. Blessings, Kate

  12. Ladies may I give a perspective from the mans side of having to live with a Proverbs contentious woman. A little history about my wife and I’s situation first. We met on a christian dating site about 5 years ago, and it was my intent to find a true christian woman (one that had self control of their thoughts feelings and emotions being tempered with the word of GOD that replaces our human secular thinking) And that loved to study the word of GOD. I was looking for a mature in the faith christian woman and would only remarry if I could find one. My first marriage of 20 years failed, and both her and I had our part in the responsibility of the failure of that marriage. My first wife was not at all a contentious woman, but my second wife is the Proverbs contentious woman, and I found that out later after we were married about a year. I have learned from this and the warnings and wisdom of Proverbs that it is wise to know the spouse first to take the time to see how they respond in all sorts of situations and what they are like when angry and how they deal with it. So that in itself speaks volumes because my first marriage lasted much longer even though it was not a biblical marriage, but had little to no contention in it. I say this because I have been driven out of the house ( I have decided to leave and moved out and not asked by her to leave) because of severe and frequent contentious nature of my current wife even though we have been married in the christian faith, and have been to two christian counselors. Again I think I is worth repeating for emphasis that this type of issue did not exist in my first marriage, that one failed because of other issues on both our parts. It has been a battle for the past 3 1/2 years with my current wife and it has warn me out and spoiled any joy in my current marriage. Now to the heart and core of the problem from a christian man and biblical spiritual perspective. The core of the problem is understanding what the gospel armor is and how to use it in both the physical and spiritual realms. Spiritual first, it is to be able to discern between thoughts feelings and emotions wither they be from our own corrupt nature or spiritual enemies on high (Ephesians 6:10-20) Our natural thinking and opinions are against GOD and HIS word and are a product of the theology of this fallen world condition we live in. Our minds and opinions before we knew GOD and HIS word are all corrupted and in darkness. By the work of the cross and JESUS CHRIST blood and the power of HIS transforming word and HOLY SPIRIT our corrupt minds are transformed from the inside out, making the inside of the cup clean which makes the outside clean also. This taking place in the born again believers heart (taking root and growing and maturing) are evidence of the fruits of the spirit that take the place of bad behavior of our old self. We put off the old nature and put on the new nature of CHRIST. Our old thoughts feelings and emotions are not our ruling god anymore, the word of GOD replaces the human secular theology of the world and our own corrupt minds, and is replaced by the word of GOD and HIS HOLY SPIRIT that reminds us of what CHRIST taught and the bible teaches. Each and every christian is responsible for their own spiritual battles, and that is to be able to discern between thoughts feelings and emotions wither they be from the HOLY SPIRIT or from our own corrupt opinions and minds and includes demonic spiritual forces of the enemy. The knowledge ( by reading and studying the bible with prayer for understanding) of the word of GOD and the help of the HOLY SPIRIT is essential to win this battle. We each are responsible to GOD for this and we cannot fight and win our spouses spiritual battles for them, all we can do is pray for them, but once the enemy has taken hold of their mind and it rules over them then that will drive the other out as Proverbs implies. Would you want to live with this?wife complaining

    A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day (Proverbs 27:15)
    A foolish child is a father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof. (Proverbs 19:13)
    Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9)
    Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. (Proverbs 21:19)
    It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 25:24)

    • Mark, please read my very very true story below and tell me what you think. If you don’t mind.

  13. Hello Katie,

    I just had a question what if your husband is quarrelsome and contentious what do you do? Is this word only for women. My husband talks alot.

    • Hi Bevy,

      I believe it can absolutely happen the opposite way and yes all I have said applies the opposite way as well! Blessings, Kate

  14. Hi Kate. I think I might be a contentious wife but I sincerely don’t mean to be or want to be. Just a little background, but I’m going to try and make this a short as I can and definitely honest. Please tell if my being contentious is justifiable (I know biblically it’s never justifiable, but I am a human first) or not.

    My husband and I have been married for 17 years having married at the young age of 21. I had a son he loved as his own and I was 3 months pregnant with his child the day we got married, we now also have a daughter. Being so young, we literally grew up together. Unfortunately, it seems like I grew up and he didnt. A couple months after the wedding he left where we live in SC to go home to Boston, MA to find employment and a place for us to live, meanwhile my babies and I stayed in Charleston, SC with my parents. Instead of his mission, he was having an affair with his high school sweet heart. I found out by the female calling me and disgustingly disrespecting me. Well he came back to SC to make amends so I thought but it was to come tell me he was going back to her. Anyway, weeks later he came back and asked for forgiveness and I quickly accepted. A year or two later, he has another affair with a coworker that I thought I trusted. His reasoning was because I was never home and spent too much time with relatives (which was true, we were young and unlike him I was an outgoing person). Likw the previous affair, he left me and his children for her but months later asked for forgiveness and I again accepted him back. This time into a home that I worked for, furnished and maintained. After moving in he lost his job and it took him a while to find another. Meanwhile I payed for everything including his clothes, and activities such as video games and beer. This is where I think the contentiousness began. I became strong willed, independent, and argumentive about things I felt I and my children lacked from him. He eventually found a job but got laid off after 2 years. Right afterwards I, alone, paid for us to move into a better neighborhood and larger home. This is the second move that I initiated and paid for. If it were left to him we would still be in the housing project apartments that I got years prior that he moved into after abandoning us. Anyway, after this lay off he neglected looking for work and was unemployed for almost 4 years. During his unemployment, I bought him a truck, his dream truck at that, so I went above and beyond to not settle and surprised him with exactly what he wanted. I maintained rent, utilities, car pmts, car insurance, kids extra curricular activities, gas, etc..Finally after all the pay day loans and borrowing money from my brothers and parents, I took it upon myself to go online and apply for jobs for my husband (he knew and was all for me doing this) and took required assessments on these apps for him. He finally got an interview from one of the jobs I applied through a temp service and got the job. Because the job pays not minimum wage but still not living wages, I am still paying all the major bills like rent, light, water, car insurance for two vehicles, my car payment, etc. He took over paying his car note(not insurance), gas for his truck only and grocery only on my off week in which I was grateful for, it was something and a help. It’s been 4 years since that job and he’s still a temp that hasn’t gotten any raises, no benefits, and doesn’t get paid for days missed or vacations. We went on a week long vacation a couple weeks ago so he didn’t get a check for that week once again leaving me to flip the bills for everything. Lastly, we now live with my parents due to the fact that we were drowning in debt and I can actually say I can breathe now and my stress level has decreased tremendously! He hasn’t paid a bill since we moved in with parents, whom our extremely instrumental in our kids lives and activities mainly because my husband shows no interest, 3 months ago. Just gas, and a very minimal amount of grocery. So I have become a bit of a nag! Other than not having drive, motivation, and being very selfish, he doesn’t involve himself in any family actives unless it’s the once per year vacation in which I’m thankful for at least that. He’s never gotten our sons into sports or other activities, he’s never been to any of to our daughters piano or vocal recitals, and has never been to any of her cheer competitions and she’s so multi talented and smart). But when I strive to keep them involved he accuses me of forcing them to do things. He never takes us anywhere, doesn’t initiate anything and tells us no whenever we ask him for things, especially money. Our 17 year old son has a job a night after school and would get off at 11pm. I ask my husband to give me a break once in a while by picking him up from work for me and he says no every time stating he’s tired as if I’m not. He gets off work at 3pm having time to rest up, I get home from work at 8pm sometimes later me being a Manager. I’ve even asked him to ride with me just for company and he says no. I go through a 9 hour work day without lunch due to all my pay going towards bills and making sure my children and husband’s needs are met. He knows this but will and has never volunteered to give me lunch money, meanwhile he has money to buy himself breakfast and lunch EVERYDAY, since he has money left from pay period to pay period. He rarely initiates a conversation with me, communication is not there at all. I very rarely get gifts from him, not on Christmas, not on birthdays, not on valentines, not on our wedding anniversary, etc. In the 17 years, I can honestly say maybe 4 times. I cater to him, whatever he wants for dinner, even if it’s something I don’t like. I’m allergic to shrimp but I will swell up just to occasionally make it for him. I serve him his dinner after I’ve prepared it everyday even after getting off at 7-8pm. My kids cater to him including bringing him bottle after bottle after bottle of beers everyday, fixing his drinks, or anything else he asks them to do. So they see how much alcohol their Dad consumes. They’re no longer babies. More recently he has been having what I call and consider an inappropriate emotionally relationship with a couple of female coworkers by texting and talking to them for an hour or more at a time when I can hardly get a 10 minute long conversation. Texts such as I miss you, and her replying I miss you too. He drinks everyday all day and during counsel I finally got him to attend after years of asking, my Pastor tells us that his relationship with these women need to end but my nagging and argumentive behavior drove my husband to befriend these women. My Pastor (my husband doesnt come to church with me) said he wanted me to stop the nagging and give my husband sonething to cone home too. Keeping in mind that I’m reliving his affairs and abandonment from years back. I could go on but I won’t. So I would admit that I may have become a narcissist and contentious wife. So back to my original question, is it justifiable?

  15. In James 2 we see that we prove our faith by our action. My wife read scripture, prayed and acted like a disciple for 18 months. Then when we got married something change on the first day. She woke up complaining about closest I had left on the floor the night before. Now she had been on my room at my house several times before and never complained once. That same day she started complaining about my driving (specifically that I was driving 5 miles above the speed limit on the freeway) I pointed out that she always drove 5 miles over the speed limit even when on city streets and she through a fit right there in the car. Later, without apologizing for her hipocracy, she said she didn’t want to spend time with someone who was always starting fights. When I asked her if a child poking another child gets a reaction who started it, the bully or the victim who put boundaries on the bully? She blew up again.

    Now believe it or not I have survived living this contentious woman for 28 years. However, I did this by working out of town and on the road most of my career.

    Your advice will hopefully help young women who have deep father wounds to not sabotage the love relationship they have with their husband.

    For me, I stayed for the kids who are now grown and out of college. I’m leaving having received nothing but contempt, heartache, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse.

    There are spouses ( men and women) that are Christian In Name Only(CINO)! They serve themselves. My kids tell me I waited too long to divorce their mother and should have done it a decade ago. But I know that they were not ready. I also was praying that God would allow her to heal from the wounds she received from her father. She is not ready to trust God. Instead she wants to manipulate those around her to eliminate anxiety of her own making.

    Lately the kids, and her friends tell me she is delusional. Making rediculous claims about things I have done (even though I was across the country on business at the time). She does this with the children, her relatives, neighbors and even her friends.

    Sometimes you need to let God judge your spouse for their cruel an unrepentent sin just as Paul condemns a man in 1 Corinthians, so too we need to be willing to divorce someone who is a Pharasee and CINO.

    For those who are not married my advice is slow down. My wife hid everything that is loathsome about her until we were married. I have not been given an ounce of respect since day one.

    Friends have spouses that they lived with for 5 or more years who changed radically within 6 months of marriage.

    Again, look for evidence that they are committed to becoming a disciple not just attend church. Ask your spouse to show you their plan for maturity in Christ. And have one of your own.

    And men,don’t do what I did and stay married to an abuser just because you are a man. My wife has done significant damage to my soul. And I could have been married to someone who was my partner in life, not my mortal enemy!

  16. This definitely me I thought I had a Jezebel spirit but I was off. I sad thing is I’ve been like this since I was young with siblings. Now it has ran over into my marriage. I was reading someones comment about being passive aggressive and i’ve heard that about myself more than once. I had dream about it today. I hate that im like that. I felt so much guilt once I gained understanding about my behavior. This unacceptable. I pray that become the virtuous woman. Im glad Yahshua showed me now in the beginning of everything. I want to be the best wife I can be in my Father eyes.

  17. My husband has been out of work for 7 years. He worked a labor intensive job for 20 years. He is 56 yrs old. He has back issues. He recycles plastic, glass bottles & aluminium cans out of dumpsters behind bars. He also had one lawn care maintenance job. I’m still working full time I will be retiring in 8 yrs. God is providing for us to live off my pay check, $300 early retirement from husband. I have helped husband look 9n line for jobs,but he gets discouraged with computer applications. I’m finding it hard to show my husband respect.
    Kirsti

  18. So are you considered a quarrelsome wife when you want to talk to your spouse husband about all your the feelings emotions im going through after he gets caught commiting adultery . but doesnt want to hear or understand

    • No that would not be considered quarrelsome at all. That would be considered working on healing. Totally different issues. We believe that it is possible for marriages to heal after an affair, but it takes openness, transparency, and most of all WORK from both partners to make that a reality.