Kate says . . .
He walks into the kitchen after a long day with a smile, a gleam in his eye and his arm behind his back. He approaches unnoticed and whispered in her ear, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day!” Before you can even respond he reveals a fresh bouquet of flowers that reflect your beauty. You sigh with contentment, for he never fails at romance every day.
Ok, I wanna see hands of the wives that before they were married, honestly felt romance in marriage would be something like this? That on a daily basis, your hubby would go out of his way to woo you in the ways that you most appreciate? Perhaps some did not think daily, but often. There is a dream that there would be no need to hint or ask, he would just know.
We are women right? We are designed by God to be emotional creatures and romance is very much about emotions. I know that I felt it would both be romancing each other continually. That we would anticipate when the other needed that emotional connection that is romance. I think all wives desire this, whether it is to have their hubby bring them flowers regularly or to take her on a hike in the beautiful outdoors. Romance doesn’t look the same for any women, and yet we all have a need! It is also something that we tend to have unreachable expectations about.
How do we find the middle ground that God intends for romance in marriage?
The reality is, if you have any regular exposure to the media (and since you’re reading this blog, I am thinking you do), then you have been barraged with messages that sell a picture of romance that is unrealistic and even damaging. We get this message from TV, the internet, blogs, books and much more. Keep in mind that I still love a good chick flick (without sex in it-sorry I am just like that), but I remind myself that it is just that-a chick flick! Entertainment, not reality! We have to take it all with a grain of salt or we will get swept away and take our husbands with us.
Your Marriage is NOT Their Marriage
When we see a friend’s husband treat her like a queen; or someone posts on FB about the amazing way their husband showed her with romance, we have the urge to copy and paste our desire onto our husband. “Ahh if only he would do that for me!” We have all been there, but you need to snap out of it girlfriend! Remind yourself every time you are tempted to think: She is not you and he is not your hubby. Their marriage is not your marriage. The comparing game never helps, in fact I can’t remember a time where the comparison game didn’t end up hurting! So don’t go there!
Know Who You Are
It is easy to desire romance and we see displays of it everywhere. Sometimes we can think we want it all. Yet, if we take the time to understand ourselves and how God made us, we probably don’t want it all. One great way to know how you like to be romanced is to know your Love Language. If you haven’t ever heard of The Five Love Languages, here is where you can take an online test can help you better understand how God made YOU!! Once you understand the ways you like to be pursued and romanced, you can share that with your hubby. Our hubby’s want to know what we like and what makes us feel loved. They don’t like guessing and having to “try” everything.
I remember the time that I told Brad, he didn’t have to buy my expensive jewelry anymore, it just wasn’t my thing. He laughed and said, “thank goodness!” After about 10 years of marriage, when I finally started to know myself and love myself for who God created me to be, I also told Brad that I really don’t care for flowers. You might think your hubby will be hurt, but Brad really knows what I like now and that helps tremendously. Now keep in mind that saying you “don’t really like flowers” after he has just brought you a beautiful bouquet, is not the right time! A great way to talk about what you like and don’t care for is, to ask him his likes and dislikes. Listen well and then share from your heart.
Here is a great exercise you can do together, if you are both willing. On a piece of paper have each spouse write the top three things they do to romance and pursue their spouse. After you have both written your top things, switch papers and rate your spouses efforts in one of three categories:
- LOVE IT-Keep doing this!
- Appreciate this, it’s nice.
- Could take it or leave it.
This will help your hubby know what he should be doing it will also nicely let him know some things that maybe aren’t working.
Romans is a journey just like all of marriage is! Where are you on the journey today? Let us know in the comments!