Addicted to Romance

Kate says . . .

He walks into the kitchen after a long day with a smile, a gleam in his eye and his arm behind his back. He approaches unnoticed and whispered in her ear, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day!” Before you can even respond he reveals a fresh bouquet of flowers that reflect your beauty. You sigh with contentment, for he never fails at romance every day.

Ok, I wanna see hands of the wives that before they were married, honestly felt romance in marriage would be something like this? That on a daily basis, your hubby would go out of his way to woo you in the ways that you most appreciate? Perhaps some did not think daily, but often. There is a dream that there would be no need to hint or ask, he would just know.

In the dictionary, one definition of romance is: “a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.” Romancing Husband

We are women right? We are designed by God to be emotional creatures and romance is very much about emotions. I know that I felt it would both be romancing each other continually. That we would anticipate when the other needed that emotional connection that is romance. I think all wives desire this, whether it is to have their hubby bring them flowers regularly or to take her on a hike in the beautiful outdoors. Romance doesn’t look the same for any women, and yet we all have a need! It is also something that we tend to have unreachable expectations about.

How do we find the middle ground that God intends for romance in marriage?

Romance Overload

The reality is, if you have any regular exposure to the media (and since you’re reading this blog, I am thinking you do), then you have been barraged with messages that sell a picture of romance that is unrealistic and even damaging. We get this message from TV, the internet, blogs, books and much more. Keep in mind that I still love a good chick flick (without sex in it-sorry I am just like that), but I remind myself that it is just that-a chick flick! Entertainment, not reality! We have to take it all with a grain of salt or we will get swept away and take our husbands with us.

Your Marriage is NOT Their Marriage

When we see a friend’s husband treat her like a queen; or someone posts on FB about the amazing way their husband showed her with romance, we have the urge to copy and paste our desire onto our husband. “Ahh if only he would do that for me!” We have all been there, but you need to snap out of it girlfriend! Remind yourself every time you are tempted to think: She is not you and he is not your hubby. Their marriage is not your marriage. The comparing game never helps, in fact I can’t remember a time where the comparison game didn’t end up hurting! So don’t go there!

Know Who You Are

It is easy to desire romance and we see displays of it everywhere. Sometimes we can think we want it all. Yet, if we take the time to understand ourselves and how God made us, we probably don’t want it all. One great way to know how you like to be romanced is to know your Love Language. If you haven’t ever heard of The Five Love Languages, here is where you can take an online test can help you better understand how God made YOU!! Once you understand the ways you like to be pursued and romanced, you can share that with your hubby. Our hubby’s want to know what we like and what makes us feel loved. They don’t like guessing and having to “try” everything.

I remember the time that I told Brad, he didn’t have to buy my expensive jewelry anymore, it just wasn’t my thing. He laughed and said, “thank goodness!” After about 10 years of marriage, when I finally started to know myself and love myself for who God created me to be, I also told Brad that I really don’t care for flowers. You might think your hubby will be hurt, but Brad really knows what I like now and that helps tremendously. Now keep in mind that saying you “don’t really like flowers” after he has just brought you a beautiful bouquet, is not the right time! A great way to talk about what you like and don’t care for is, to ask him his likes and dislikes. Listen well and then share from your heart.

Try This!

Here is a great exercise you can do together, if you are both willing. On a piece of paper have each spouse write the top three things they do to romance and pursue their spouse. After you have both written your top things, switch papers and rate your spouses efforts in one of three categories:

  • LOVE IT-Keep doing this!
  • Appreciate this, it’s nice.
  • Could take it or leave it.

This will help your hubby know what he should be doing it will also nicely let him know some things that maybe aren’t working.

Romans is a journey just like all of marriage is! Where are you on the journey today? Let us know in the comments!


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13 Responses to Addicted to Romance

  1. It does not need to stop just because your married, my husband woo’s me every single day. 2 November would be 2 years for us and I love him every single day.

    • Hi Patricia! I think that is awesome! I never meant to imply that husbands shouldn’t, or that they should do less. My purpose was challenging wives to think about whether or not their romance expectations are set on the media and what they portray or on God’s plan for romance in a marriage. God has very good things for romance in marriage. But just as men can have unrealistic expectations through what the media shows us, so can we!

      Tell your hubby to keep on blessing you! Love it!

      Blessings, Kate

  2. Definitely agree that I assumed he would ‘know’ -not necessarily that I assumed it would be every day. Good post. My husband just gave me a flower last week on the anniversary date of his proposal. In front of the kids – even though they are just toddlers you should have seen their excitement that Daddy was giving Mommy a special flower! I had to hold back the tears (but I probably shouldn’t have because that is an easy way that your husband knows you are thankful and he did it right). 😉

    • Hi Kathy,
      That is so sweet. We celebrate the anniversary of our first date as well! If you have a quiet moment to hug and love on him, definitely show him your tears. Sometimes it is hard if the kids are running around, crazy and all! Thanks for sharing! Blessings, Kate

  3. And if after all those ideas and suggestions, hubby still does it his way? I don’t care for flowers, especially the bunch bought at the grocery store that I have to do everything for, and still?

    • Hi Carmen,

      Have you tried doing what I suggested at the bottom, where you both right down a few things? Sometimes our hubby’s go to the “easy” or the one they “think” we like.

      I am sure it is hard, when it feels like he isn’t paying attention to what you like. But he is doing something, which means he is trying.

      Perhaps ask him what he likes and that you want to bless him with his likes. That might be a lead in to a conversation.

      Also taking the 5 love languages test together. Perhaps you have already tried this, but love languages do change over the years so doing it again might be a good idea!

      Blessings, Kate

      • Oh yes, we have done the 5 Love Languages and he can list mine and I can list his. Counselling, medication, books, blogs, friends, church, small groups etc… (BTW, 5 Languages of Apology is very good too, so is Lost Art of Listening). Sigh, 18 years and I’m still “the bad one”. Back to the counsellor. 🙂

        • Carmen,
          I’m sorry to hear of your painful journey. It sounds like you have been trying the right things. Keep praying, keep seeking the best. I know its difficult!! If there is anything we can do to help, or recommend someone to see, feel free to email us!

  4. I am a firm believer of the 5 Love Languages and often blog about them. I like the idea of writing down love it, appreciate or leave it. That is a good way to help each other understand what is most meaningful!

  5. Great post Kate! I wish I had learned a little secret earlier in my marriage, so many fights and hurt could have been avoided. Whenever you see, (the example you gave was a husband gushing over his wife on FB) and are tempted to cut/paste it to your husband or to want that same treatment: ASK THAT WIFE HOW SHE WIFES. We all want to be like the Proverbs 31 wife, right? So we study her. Same line of reasoning here.

    When I see a marriage that is just awesome, I go right to the source: the wife.

  6. Great article! I’m intrigued by how much the first two sections read like a post on porn/sex addiction.
    Try replacing words like romance and chick flick with sex and porn.
    I’m NOT suggesting a one to one correspondence between porn and chick flicks but am suggesting a strong correlation between romance and sex needs.
    But note that we consider it ok in society to drink deeply from the media substitute for romance.