Choose to Believe

Kate says . . .

I think I can safely say we have all been there. You know the moment when your hubby says;

“You’re so beautiful!”

“You look stunning!”

“You are sexy and I desire you!”

There is a moment where we either take in what they have said or we dismiss it immediately because it cannot possibly be true. I think many wives go right to dismissing their husband’s praise of their physical beauty for several reasons.

You Don’t Believe it Yourself

You are beautifulWhat woman on this planet doesn’t have self-esteem issues? I know that I have had my fair share through the years and even though I am a confident woman in who God has created me to be, I would be remiss to say that I won’t ever deal with it in the future.

Having doubts at times about being beautiful, is normal. Staying in this mindset and feeling that you are unattractive and unworthy of your husband’s praise, is not good and will build walls in your marriage.

In order to be able to more past such thoughts and feelings you need to ask yourself, “what keeps these feelings of unworthiness going? What are the things that have so bruised your soul that you cannot see yourself for the beauty God created you as?” Those are the things you need to identify and seek to heal in Jesus.

Comparisons Tell You Something Different

It is so easy to look at what the world says beautiful and say, “well I don’t look anything like that!” Well let me share with you sister, neither do I! We are bombarded with society’s version of beautiful people and use it as our scale of what is beautiful and desirable. We also fear that our husband secretly desires women who look that way and he must have just settled for us. I know that I cannot speak for every marriage or for every husband, but that is simply not true!

When your hubby tells you that you are beautiful and that he desires you, he means it. When he stares at you when you are naked, it is because he likes looking at you! You are his wife and he wants to admire you, both in and out of clothing. It is not easy, but we need to cast aside the things we compare ourselves to. We need to love who we are, who God created us to be and embrace our husband loving us!

You Can Choose to Hear Your Hubby

When your hubby whispers those words in your ear . . . you can choose to let them soak in and hear them, or you can immediately send them off to “whatever” land. When you continually dismiss him, it becomes a habit and you don’t even give his praise a second thought. Fight against that. Stay right there in the moment with your hubby and enjoy the praise he is lavishing on you. Hear what the man, your husband, your biggest fan, your lover is saying to you. Repeat it to yourself. “He thinks I am beautiful!” Hear him!

You Can Choose to Believe Him

Once you have heard him, let it soak into your soul and make a choice (many things in life are a choice and not a feeling) to believe him. Believe that what he says is true and that he believes it too! Choose to believe!

Song of Solomon 7:10 says:

I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. (NIV)

I am my lover’s. I’m all he wants. I’m all the world to him! (MSG)

Don’t Believe Me?

Perhaps you are sitting there saying, “It doesn’t bother my hubby that I shrug off his praise!” So why do I need to worry about this? For all of you wives out there I have a challenge for you: Ask your husband if it bothers him when he says you’re beautiful and you don’t believe him! Ask him and see what he says. I would bet that he will say, he wants deeply for you to believe him.

Working through this and choosing to hear and believe your husband will be a blessing in your marriage and how you feel about yourself. Don’t go another year without digging deep and dealing with why you can’t receive your hubby’s praise of your beauty!

Wives please share with our readers, if this has been a struggle for you! Also share any other ways you have found healing.

For all the hubby’s who are reading, I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject!

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25 Responses to Choose to Believe

  1. BLOG Cooking as a metaphor for being sexy.

    How many of you ladies are accomplished chefs? How many of you prepare 3 fantastic meals a day to perfection? How many of you get raves every meal for every dish? For any chef, that would be a lot to deliver on and a lot to expect.

    How many of you though prepare a few items very well? You make them so well that you get repeat requests for them from family and friends on special occasions and all pot lucks. “And Kate is bringing her fantastic cherry cordial delight for dessert! Make sure you get some before it’s all gone.” You shamelessly prepare them when you want to please others and feel good about yourself: “Look how well I can cook. Isn’t this dish fantastic? I’m so glad you like it. Here, take some home with you.” As a cook, you can rock a few items all the time, but you still aren’t a chef. Faced with that undeniable reality, do you ever think about not cooking at all? I mean really, what is the point if you can’t compare to a really exceptional chef. Why would your family want to continue eating less than fantastic meals; meals that though nutritional and tasty, still fall short of perfection in so many areas? Perhaps because they are indeed tasty and nutritious and they like your cooking and particularly those special dishes you do just as good as, and maybe better than anyone else they know. “Thanksgiving was great Mom, just like always. I’m glad we didn’t go to Aunt Sarah’s. Her turkey is good, but I don’t like her dressing or pies. Yours are much better.”

    Well, enough about food. What about you: Your body? Your beauty? Your sexuality? Your desirability? Your intelligence? Your unique “you-ness?” Are you a supermodel? A sultry vixen? A kitchen angel and a bedroom temptress? Perfect in face and form? Are you all those things like the media icons and goddesses placed on pedestals for us to admire and aspire to be like?

    Or are you like 99.9% of the rest of the world, with both things you are accepting of and others you are displeased with, even to the point of shame? “Why can’t I have her…, be as pretty as…, wear clothes that…, age like…, be sexy like…, I hate my…, I wish my breasts/thighs/behind/calves/hair/feet/hands and oh so many other things for which you have feelings of inadequacy.

    Perhaps you need to rethink you; reinvent you. Not all of you necessarily. Just some “special” things about you. I suggest working with a consultant who specializes in knowing what makes a woman just like you beautiful, desirable, sexy, pleasing and fun to be around. Ask one who will be truthful with you about what you need to do to be the woman you think you aren’t. Ask one who is affordable and not tied up with other clients, available 24/7/365. Ask your husband.

    Whom else do you, should you, want to be desirable to other than him. Put him on a retainer and put him to work. Ask him to evaluate his client. What is it he feels is beautiful about you? Fun about you? Intelligent about you? Sexy about you? Desirable about you? What clothes does he like on you? What does he like when you aren’t in clothes. He may need a little time to put it into words, but if you are patient, he will be pleased to let you know what is about a girl like you that attracts a guy like him to be in an exclusive relationship with you…all of you.

    You may not be a supermodel, perfect in every way, a walking Photoshoped work of art. But, there are special things about you that he likes, adores, craves, desires and he knows how and why he does. These are the special things you possess that, to him, are second to no one else. These are your special dishes he always loves, thinks you do best, and wants you to prepare for him repeatedly. And when he affirms this to you, it is a truth he believes; a truth you can believe. Like your cherry cordial delight you know you make to perfection, just as good as anyone else’s, you can know his affirmation to be just as true. You are not a supermodel, or a chef, but there are things about you he believes cannot be achieved any better by anyone else. When he tells you how much he loves your cherry cordial delight and how it’s better than anyone else’s, accept the comment for the truth it is for him and for you. Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. When he beholds it, you can believe it. Choose to believe in him; to believe in yourself.

  2. This was a terrible struggle until I learned what was really happening within me. When I over focus on what I am not and what I do not have it leads to discontentedness. It’s over focus on the self; which is selfishness. I couldn’t focus on what I had to offer to others (the BEST of me)when all I was focused on was the (what I thought) worst. When I changed my focus from self to others the discontentedness melted away.

  3. No truer post has ever been written. All wives should read and believe this. Then save it and reread it every day. Every day. Living it out would make your marriage so much more fulfilling, for both you and your husband. As husbands, we know you’re not literally a supermodel. But we don’t care. We really don’t. We chose to marry you. We love you. Unless you’re just totally and completely letting yourself go, we’re happy to look at you and touch you and care for you just as you are. So let us! And without all the pessimistic negativity. Sadly, our relationship with you is continuously hindered, continuously less than it could be, because you won’t accept that we love you, all of you, including your imperfect body. You see, for us, it’s perfect. We love your body. If you would accept that then we could love it even more. And everyone would be a winner. READ this post daily!

    • I sense your frustration Mr.Me. Why don’t they choose to believe us. But, the real problem is not in their choosing to believe what we are telling them is true. The problem is in them choosing to believe the truth of what we are telling them. They may believe we truthfully think they are beautiful, but they need to “feel” they are beautiful. They need to recognize and acknowledge what beauty they have that we see. Where does that beauty lie and how does it manifest itself and affect our lives? Until they can do that, they are only hearing us speak platitudes to them. Where does your wife’s beauty lie: her mind, face, generosity, hair, voice, smile, nurturing attitude, breasts, hands, spirituality, legs, behind, hips, equanimity, feet, patience and how does that beauty affect your life? How do you tell her? What do you say?

      Compliment: You have a beautiful smile.
      Truth: I love the way your lips curl at the corners when you smile and the tip of your tongue touches you lips. Your smile melts my heart.

      Compliment: Your hair looks really beautiful.
      Truth: You have the most beautiful hair. I like the way it shines in the sun and bounces when you move your head. I love how soft it feels in my hand.

      Compliment: You’re pretty smart.
      Truth: I like the way your mind works. You’re really smart. You always think things out before coming to a decision. I like being able to discuss important things with you.

      Compliment (intended anyway): No, I don’t think your rear is too big.
      Truth: I love following you when you wear pants. Your behind is one of my most favorite features. I like the way your hips swing when you walk, and don’t get me started on following you up a flight of stairs. It really excites me. I could stare at back pockets all day long.

      Compliment: I like the sound of your voice.
      Truth: I love hearing your voice, especially when I am a little down. It always cheers me up. Your laugh always lightens my spirits and warms my heart. Tell me you love me. I love hearing that.

      The compliments are all true and will be appreciated; but, for her to choose to believe the truth behind them, you need to tell her what makes the truth you are telling true. When she hears the facts behind the truth, she will know you are not just speaking platitudes, but telling her your heartfelt feelings and beliefs.

      She needs a reason to choose to believe and it is up to us husbands to supply that reason. We need to tell her what is beautiful about her and how that beauty enriches our lives in a way only she can provide. She then has no other choice but to recognize it, acknowledge it and own it. Yes, it may be a long process requiring a bit of persistent perseverance, but it will be worth the time and effort invested into it. Always remember to make your compliments statements of truth with validating comments.
      I love THIS beautiful thing about you for THIS reason and THIS is how it affects my life.

      • you just made me melt(not in a wrong way) by the first explanation it is so true don’t just say i have beautiful eyes anybody can tell me that if you tell me why you think they are beautiful it is easier for me to believe it

        • Well, I have to admit Alana, it is easier to sit and write those things when you have time to contmeplate what you want to say. Don’t be disappointed if your man stumbles if you ask out of the blue, “What is it you like about my eyes.” I am an introvert and I say very little extemoraneously. I want to put thought into what I say before I open my mouth. These are the type of comments I might write in a card or letter or, yes, speak them if I had given them forethought. It is a shame that as men we don’t do our homework and be prepared for those “What do you like/love about my…” questions before the come up and an even greater shame that we don’t offer those affirmations without prompting.

  4. This is so true, it is so true. I am not saying words of affirmation to my wife enough I know, but I remember most moments I said “you are beautiful, lovely, attractive” and I think most men want their wife’s to remember and believe them so they carry them through the times of doubt. We all are going to interact with the opposite sex and when we bring to rememberance the kind words spoken to each other and believe them, well, you know how good that can be!

  5. This is a great post. I wrote about this topic yesterday also, and another blogger commented that she had just written about it too. It must be something that is weighing on women’s minds. If we could learn to focus on our positives rather than our (perceived) negatives and accept what others (especially our husbands) are telling us, we could reduce so much of our angst and worry about our appearance.

  6. What helped me overcome this is when it was pointed out to me that when I made disparaging remarks about myself after he complimented me that I was calling him a liar and insulting his taste because he believes what he’s saying. That was enough for me to stop. Now I say thank you and let him look as long as he wants because I’m the only woman I want him looking at that way. I’m not happy with my looks, but I’m not going to continue to punish him for that.

    • This is certainly not directed at you personally Trixie, but because of the last line in your comment,”I’m not happy with my looks, but I’m not going to continue to punish him for that,” I feel compelled to share this observation.

      How many of us feel this same way about body image? Too fat, too thin, too flat, too saggy, too short, too take-your-pick. We need to lose weight, shape up, lower some of those critical health numbers, buy a nicer wardrobe, pay more attention to our appearance, on an on. Yet we don’t discipline ourselves to meet any of these goals. No dietary changes, no gym, no walks, no anything to make the difference that will allow us to feel better about ourselves and more comfortable with sharing our bodies and relaxed in our own skin.

      We hide behind sloppy, over-sized clothes instead, dress in black, drink diet soda with the #5 jumbo meal, swim with a t-shirt on, wear elastic waistband pants, buy shoes we don’t have to bend over to tie, and definitely do not get naked in front of our mates, especially with any kind of light in the room.

      A lot of our woe is self-inflicted, but we do not suffer alone with our symptoms. We place those we love in quarantine until we get well. It seems to turn into a life sentence more often than not. The pounds stay on. The body continues to sag. Then the aging sets in. Now, even if we lose the weight and tone up a little, we are too disappointed with what time hath wrought to allow our bodies to be put on display. At that point, both men and women have nothing left to do but mourn what could have been and use body image as a reason to deny their mate the pleasure of seeing their body.

      I know you probably are saying, “Easy for a guy to say. He doesn’t experience the same pressure as us gals. Other than our guts making all our belt lines into diagonals instead of horizontals, our backs growing fur rugs, our chests racing to our navels so we wear t-shirts to the pool and beach, our butts getting too flat to keep our pants on (but look at the back pocket space we gain), problems that, unlike women, no amount of lube will help, standing in front of a urinal waiting and waiting for your prostate to allow you to go almost enough, and shrubs growing out of our ears, we have nowhere near the body image issues or problems women have.
      The point: don’t ever feel you are in this alone and only you know how it feels to have your body betray you, even if you were in collusion with it at the time. It isn’t the pretty young thing we want. It is the physical ability it would take to satisfy a pretty young and to feel desired once again we want returned so we can offer it to you. I suspect, in the end, we want much the same. So, now we have choices to make: Make the changes we have been putting off, or adjust our expectations and how we think our mates perceive us and our bodies. Choose to believe they like what they see, and let them see it.

      • i understand what you say but generally i think guys don’t get judge on their physical appearance as women guys judge our looks they complain about our boobs sagging(something we can’t control by the way) etc.you hardly hear us as women complaining about guys’ big belly etc that doesnt mean we wouldn’t want you guys’ belly to be flatter but we love you guys and accept you the way you are if you lose weight great if you don’t it’s ok

        • I do agree that for the most part women are less critical and more forgiving as to male physical appearances. I do think though that it is easier to be respectful of somebody that shows respect for themselves and respect is very important to men. As an out-of-shape man, you can even feel a lack of respect when around other men how are more fit or younger. I guess we have our own set of body image issues, but when alone with our wives, we don’t usually feel we are in competition with a more perfect image held in our wives heads. I do realize it is difficult with all the “perfect” female body images foisted upon us by the media 24/7 to believe that your man is not making that comparison whether you are clothed or not. We are led to believe size 12+ women are in the minority when just the opposite is true. It is a shame though that we agonize about instead of act upon our anxieties. Thanks for cutting us guys a break though. We owe you.

  7. […] Choose To Believe Him<<Wives, do you shrug off your husband’s praise? Don’t.do.this. Read what Kate has to say, and we hope you’ll accept her challenge. It might just change how you see yourself and your marriage. We want to share the following song by Lee Brice titled, Beautiful You. Hopefully it’ll inspire you to believe what your husband says. […]

  8. I like how you said we can choose to hear and believe him. Sometimes I have to remind my self of that. And also that it is the devil trying to get me to think otherwise. Thank you for the reminder!

  9. This post hits so close to home and its not a coincidence that I just laid eyes on this post. My husband continuously tells me he loves me or compliments me..but I don’t believe it. Not cause I believe he is lying but I guess I just don’t see myself as that. Thanks for this post. I will choose to believe him because he CHOSE to marry me. He obeyed God when he married me so God wouldn’t give him less than what he desired for. He desires me and continues to desire me just like God does.

    • i agree the thing is even though we believe them we don’t believe it for ourselves it doesn’t matter what anyone says unless you don’t believe it for yourself your perspective will never change

      • Alana, what is you best feature and what is your best personality characteristic? ANY woman can come up with two. If it’s not your arms, it’s your hands. If it’s not your hands, it’s your fingers. If it’s not your fingers, it’s your nails. ALL of anyone is not pretty or perfect. But there is always something: pretty eyes, lashes, eye color, brows, teeth, lips, smile, dimples, etc. You may regard yourself as kind, caring, dependable, cheerful, thoughtful, funny, trustworthy, etc. If you can find just those two, you can find more about yourself if you try. Even if you think your whole body is a wreck, you may have some of the most beautiful skin color and texture going. Even your freckles may be adorable to someone.

        You don’t have to find what is perfect about you. Find what is lovable about you. Don’t know? Ask someone who loves you. I didn’t say ask WHY they love you, but WHAT is lovable about you. You don’t have to be perfect to be lovable. Were perfection a requirement of love, God could not have sent His son. It for our imperfections that He sent his love. It was our imperfections that made us lovable.

  10. This happens a lot with my wife, when I tell her thats she is beautiful she says “no I’m not or yeah right”. Every once in a while she will simply say “Thank You” but not very often. It does bother me when she says those things, because I love her so much and I know she is beautiful and when she denies that it’s kind of like hearing some one calling my wife a name or saying something hurtful to her. Except instead of feeling defensive it kind of hurts. I love her very very much and I wish she could see herself as beautiful as I do.

  11. I guess some guys are more verbal than others, but telling my wife how exquisite, how beautiful, how utterly lovely she is, is an important (and Biblical) part of our love-making, so that when I say similar things to her as she is making dinner, she makes a a natural connection with our most intimate moments. I therefore imagine that one of the biggest obstacles to a wife receiving such complements is that they are isolated from those moments when she would be in no doubt that you meant it.

  12. When I tell my wife she is beautiful ,I get a shrug and (YEAH WHAT DO YOU WANT ? ) Maybe I’ve used that in the past to get what i want but most of the time im really just looking in amazement of how beautiful she really is and how in the world she does what she does on a gruelling day to day basis!

  13. What does one do when a husband says he “is not proud to have you on his arm” because of your appearance? When he admits that he fantasizes about every attractive woman he sees? When he confesses that he can’t pass a young woman without checking out “the whole package”? When he tells you he “likes to look at girls” then tells you “if you were 20 lbs lighter I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of you”? I am 5’8, a size 4 at 49 years old. I run 5ks, am up for intimacy 7 days a week, support his every move. He has already made it clear that I cannot compete with young girls when it comes to his desires. When he tells me “reality can never compete with fantasy”. All the confidence in the world on my part will not change that. The media barrages me 24/7 with the message that I am 30 years past my expiration date. Liking my eyes will not change that. My apologies – I am not usually this cynical, but telling me to believe him when he has already told me it’s not true punches me in the gut. It’s patronizing.

    • Clarification: When he tells me I’m beautiful, it’s patronizing. I certainly didn’t mean to imply that the blog writer was patronizing in any way. So sorry!

    • Hello Melissa! Thanks for writing and sharing where you are. It breaks my heart that your husband says there hurtful things to you. That he does not lavish and adore you with his words, actions and life.

      I apologize if the post hurts you, Melissa! It is never my intent to hurt a reader. Yet it is truth and many women need to hear it. Brad and I started this blog at God’s prompting and we follow as He leads. That does not mean that every post is going to be applicable to every reader. We trust the Holy Spirit to reach those he intends to reach with each post. Please know that it is never our intent to insult anyone, but to speak truth and love into marriages. If your husband was in front of my husband, Brad would tell him how wrong it is that he treats you that way. That God desires for him to treat you as his beloved.

      As for how you can continue with a husband who treats you like this. Only God can give you what you need and get you through this. The only thing you can do is seek God and rely on him in all ways. Also to seek to be the best wife you can (what the Word says about being a wife) even if your husband isn’t deserving of it.

      Please know you are not alone and that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate