Kate says . . .
Goodness what can I say in response to Brad’s latest post, Great Sexual Pleasure???? I think he laid it all out there for us wives. It has taken me many years of my marriage to understand it and more importantly to embrace it. I realize that in my post I should be reciprocating and respond to husbands, but I feel Spirit led to talk to the wives once again.
Society says that we are supposed to balance giving and receiving in marriage. A 50-50 relationship, that should not be overly selfish, but also still very “me” centered. While marriage may function like this, it limits growth and blessings. In marriage we are not supposed to be balanced. I know that sounds nuts, since we are constantly trying as wives to feel some balance. We are called to put our marriage above our job and children. We are also called to put our husband’s needs and desires above our own. No matter how you look at it, there is not supposed to be balance. It is the selfish side of us that desires balance.
Now before you stop reading out of complete frustration . . . remember I know exactly how you feel. I can give and give to Brad and put his needs first, and then I hit a wall of feeling “What about me?, I have given and given and now I need someone giving to me!” I fight this often ladies, truly I do! Many times I find that I am serving Brad and putting him first because I know that is how things in our marriage will flourish, and yet I do it of my own strength. My strength always has an end. Always! I hit an end and just can’t do anymore. It is then that I am reminded that I cannot do this on my own.
“You are powerless to love your spouse the way you promised you would, the way they dreamed you would, and the way God designed that you should. Our definition of love isn’t big enough and we don’t have the ability to love our spouses as we should without God’s help. Recognizing and admitting that you can’t love as you should without God’s help is the first step towards having the marriage for which you’ve always hoped.” –re|engage Marriage Curriculum
Yet with all this said there will still always be a giving and receiving in your marriage. Sometimes giving is hard and sometimes it is receiving that we just can’t seem to do. Loving our spouse takes both giving selflessly and receiving selflessly. We will not always hit the mark, in fact there will be many times we miss the mark. Yet it is what God asks of us. So in response to Brad’s post, how are you giving in your sexual intimacy and how are you receiving??
Giving and Receiving Great Sexual Pleasure
In the first five years of our marriage I was pretty horrible at giving and receiving sexual intimacy. It pains me to admit it, and yet I share so that you will know where we have come from and where we are now. The second 5 years of our marriage, I was much better at giving, but was poor at receiving. I thought to myself “well I am available, what more could Brad want?”
After our marriage experienced deep healing in everything, especially sexual intimacy; Brad was finally able to open up to me and share how the years of my not receiving and enjoying sexual intimacy had hurt him deeply. I was floored and humbled in a way I never had been before. It was as if the veil was no longer in front of me and I could see clearly.
If you wives have trouble giving or receiving sexual pleasure, or both, you need to find a way to work through that. I put together some of the practical ways that I overcame these issues.
For those who struggle with receiving sexual pleasure:
1. Learn to give up control and relax!!
Many times we are too stressed out and tired from the day to enjoy sex. Find ways to relax first, a bath, a massage, 10 minutes to pray-whatever it is, get yourself into a different mindset.
2. Allow your husband to explore you and enjoy you!
Relax and FEEL what he is doing. As always if something doesn’t feel good, let him know that gently.
3. Remind yourself that you found this man incredibly attractive and chose to marry him. He is your sexy man!
Pray before during and after sex. I know that sounds crazy, but why not! Pray before, especially if you are struggling and ask God to give you whatever you need to enjoy what your husband is doing to you and to focus on him!
For those who struggle with giving sexual pleasure:
1. Remember that he is a man who wants to be adored by you.
He is a man, not a boy or a child. You may say, “I know that.” I am sure you do, but how do you treat him the rest of the day? Do you follow him around telling him to pick up his clothes and how to make the kids lunches? He is a man, he is your husband. While his piles of clothes may be annoying, he is a man and if he wants to make a mess he can! If it is a common theme, then deal with it in an adult way! How you treat him before and after sex, speaks volumes to your giving nature!
2. Think about giving him pleasure.
If you are stuck doing the same old things or are afraid to try certain things, focus on what makes him feel good. Be willing to push a little out of your comfort zone (not miles, but even a few inches is a blessing). Ask him what he would love and be willing to try something.
Just as he is listening to our sounds and ques, so you too can listen to what your husband says feels good. I think you will be able to know by his responses.
At the sake of being repetitive-Pray! Before, during and after! God created sex-ALL of it. So why would he not want us to pray about it? Pray, wives, pray!
Remember the saying, “Tis better to give then receive.”? In sex they are both important!
Wives, I would love to hear from you about what other ways you have learned to give and receive (practical tips). Also what are some reasons that you have struggled with either giving or receiving or both?
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