Great Sexual Pleasure

Brad says…

In a rare turn of events I’m writing this post to all of the wives…

There is a fire that burns inside of every husband. It is a desire that is at least as strong as the desire to have sex with his wife. He may not speak about it often, but he will chase this desire every time he is in bed with you. It is the desire to give you great sexual pleasure.

Ooooo Oooo Ooooo!Fire heart

There is nothing like the sight and sound of your wife’s sexual pleasure. Seeing her enjoy sex is honestly as good, or at least almost as good as enjoying it yourself. Being able to bring you pleasure through his touch is something that every husband longs for. Your sexual satisfaction can bring him a feeling of great pleasure and even pride. He will feel strong, powerful, vigorous and manly. All emotions that husbands needs to feel now and again!

Missing the Mark

Many of the different things we try in the bedroom are rooted in our desire to find the right combination of touches that unlocks the hidden treasure of your sexual pleasure. Kiss here, touch this, rub that, brush, kiss, push, repeat.

Many husbands don’t have a clue what will bring about those magic feelings, but we sure want to try to make it happen! This is especially true if sexual intimacy is something that is not as frequent as we would like it to be. We think, “If I was a better lover, and I could just bring my wife sexual pleasure then she would want to have sex more often”.

There is a lot of faulty thinking in that statement, but that doesn’t stop your husband from thinking it! Remember those feelings I said that guys get from bringing you sexual pleasure? Well, if it isn’t happening then it is a source of the exact opposite feelings. If he isn’t bringing you pleasure, or if he doesn’t know how to bring you sexual pleasure regularly then he is feeling weak, ashamed, powerless and impotent. Feelings that won’t remain just in the bedroom and can quickly rob the intimacy from your marriage.

Cue Me Baby!

Guess what, that same husband who totally missed your facial cue about how the day was, is now finely attuned to your every shudder and breath! Trust me; he knows the exact move, touch or twitch that causes even the slightest change in your breathing pattern. Why? Because he wants to give you great pleasure, but he doesn’t want to ask you how to make it happen!

Just Ask For Directions

What guy do you know that ever asked directions for anything? Do you really think he is going to ask you how to bring you sexual pleasure? I don’t think so! I wish I could just tell guys to, “man up and ask her what she likes” (and I will) but in reality that probably isn’t going to happen. Here in lies the problem, we desperately want to go there, but if we don’t know how and we won’t ask for directions how in the world are we going to get there?

It’s Up To YOU!

Ladies your husband needs you! He needs you to help him bring you great sexual pleasure! Here are 5 ways you can help us give you amazing pleasure.

1. Let Us Pleasure You!

All too often sex is relegated to “letting him finish”. That isn’t sexual intimacy and it is simply not any husband’s ideal! Honestly! We want you there, not only physically but mentally too! Check back in and see if you can’t use some of the rest of these tips to improve your experience.

2. Cue Us Please!

We’re watching, we notice the signs. So use them! If something is feeling good then let us know. If he changes and it doesn’t feel good tell him, “That was feeling good do that again”. He won’t mind, really!

3. Touch Matters

Your husband knows that touch is an important factor in bringing both of you sexual pleasure. But the appropriate combination of, light but not too light, and in all the right places, at the right times has us completely confused. Let alone that the combination changes based on your cycle, the day of the week, the time of the day, the number of times the kids have said “mom” in the last hour, the loads of laundry needing to be done…

Help us out, put in your mind that the goal of your husband’s touch is searching for ways to bring you pleasure. Then direct his touch toward what is feeling good at the moment. Positive statements like, “that feels good” work best, but “try here” or “lighter” work well too.

4. Touch Me Here Baby

For many, if not most couples, direct clitoral stimulation is required to bring you the great sexual pleasure you are seeking. If this is a completely new concept then he is going to need some direction to know what to do. Help him; trust me he will not mind! If this isn’t a new concept he still might need some coaching on the nuances that feel the best.

5. It’s Not Over…

Just because he’s climaxed does not mean that sexual intercourse is done. Clitoral stimulation can happen before or after penetration. It is a good plan that for most times you are sexually intimate together to keep going until both of you reach that point of pleasure. That doesn’t have to be all the time, but most. Don’t think that you are being selfish, remember he wants to bring you pleasure. So keep going, you’ll both be grateful you did!

Bonus: 6. The 10 Day Challenge is a great place to practice this! And it starts February 5th!

How have you helped your husband find ways to give you sexual pleasure too? Let us know in the comments!

Photo courtesy of HP_Photo and © photoxpress

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38 Responses to Great Sexual Pleasure

  1. So true!

    I think God gave men a deep need to give their wife sexual pleasure. I hear it from so many men. I’ve even had men tell me they would choose to have sex a bit less often if she enjoyed it more.

  2. When I am doing oral on my wife, she would out both hands on my head to direct me right where she really wants it and then the meaning behind shortly afterwards. And yes, it brings me great relief to hear her as she does so. 😉 I am one happy, happy, happy husband.

  3. I (wife) have been following these tips which I’ve read elsewhere–for years– but it hasn’t helped anything at all in our sex life. My husband still doesn’t “get” how to create that “great sexual pleasure.” We’ve had many discussions about this–not arguments, but discussions and many times I thought we would be able to get there but it hasn’t happened yet–it has been 9 years. I think these tips are generally, useful, though but in our case, it isn’t this simple.

    • Myrrh,
      You are right sometimes there are complexities that make things don’t work for different couples. Why do you think this doesn’t work for you? You seem to be indicating in your comment that know what it takes to give you great sexual pleasure, but you are unable to teach your husband this. I find that strange, I’m sure there are some that have trouble learning, but very few that don’t enjoy the lesson and won’t dedicate themselves to extra credit study to make it work. So where do you think things are falling apart? I would love to hear from you, let us know! You can also feel free to email us personally.

  4. Myrrh,
    Don’t give up. I hear your frustration. I’m glad you guys can discuss sex without getting into arguments. That’s a good, healthy approach. Have you read the book “She Comes First” by Kerner? It goes into detail about the female anatomy and how to please her orally. We are finally reading it together. I say finally because we’ve been married for 25 years. It’s never too late. I am reading to him because he hates to read. This book might be helpful for the both of you. I will be praying for you.

    • Thanks. We have heard of this book and have looked into things by reading other resources. However, I don’t think it’s a knowledge issue, I think it’s an ability issue. He just really, really doesn’t “get” it. He has tried but I’m to the point where it’s just too depressing to go through the discomfort again and again with no success. I am glad that you are having success after all these years, though.

    • Hmmmm…. you hit the nail on the head J! This is why I usually just stick to talking to the husbands. Would you care to write a similar list from the “wife’s point of view”?

  5. Thank you, I think this is exactly what my husband has been trying to convey to me, but he never seemed to have the right words. What an eye opener for me!

  6. It’s really unfortunate that we had great sex initially for the first 5 years of our marriage and the last 5 have been a nightmare as far as sex is concerned and of course it affects others aspects of our relationship. My husband KNOWS EXACTLY how to give me pleasure and he’s got all it takes to do so. A very knowledgeable man in an enviable career; christian. Somehow sex, and most aspects of our life have become about him. He just wont do what he knows would pleasure me. He comes to me but to take sex, not give, not share – its all about him.
    That’s why i have trouble believing that a man really want’s to please his wife sexually. Frustrated is not adequate in describing what I feel because I am a christian and don’t believe in contemporary ways of dealing with my unfulfilled sexual desire.

    • Hello Tamera,

      I feel for you. It must be so beyond frustrating to have your husband display selfishness in bed.

      His behavior goes against scriptures. Have you tried praying with him after reading scriptures that deal with this? Ephesians 5:25 says that the husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and give himself for her. I would also remind him, gently with love, that a good way to approach the relationship is to put the other person’s needs first. You should marry someone because you can make them happy, not (like popular belief) because they make you happy. The popular belief is a very selfish approach. To put the spouses needs first is a mirror image of what Christ did for us.

      I believe repentance is needed here for both of you. For him, because his selfish ways, and you for not calling him out sooner. It takes two. I say this, sister, with love.

      May the Lord cover you both, in His love, while you guys work this issue out. I pray that your husband will humble himself to receive God’s word and have a change of heart. I pray that you will find it in your heart to forgive him, five years is a long time. I will keep your marriage in my prayers.

  7. About 15 years ago I got ED, and was frustrated sexually. We gave up sex. Then my wife got incontenant and arthritus. I started HRT a few months ago and became sexually able again. However, we do not engage in sex due to my wife’s medical condition. I do not want to cause her pain or embarrasement. What can I do sexually? I have not communicated with my wife about my new desire for sex.

    • I’m no expert, but I have arthritis (si joints) and have had incontinence. I would recommend that you court your wife like you did when dating. Let your love for each other re-kindle the physical intimacy you once shared. Let the topic come up as the physical relationship blooms.

  8. Myrrh, your posts sound eerily familiar….I can hear and feel your confusion, emotional pain and feelings of rejection stemming from the dysfunction in this most intimate aspect of our lives, or what should be anyway. After 22 years of marriage, 7 children and thousands of nights of tears and utter loneliness, my husband was diagnosed with High Functioning Aspergers along with Alexithymia.

    • Christina,

      I was a little surprised by your post. I’ve never heard of anyone being diagnosed in adulthood with Aspergers syndrome. So many questions I’d like to ask you about that but won’t do it in a public forum.

      Twenty-two years and seven children and so much suffering. I am truly sorry. Are you coping okay?

      Your story is an example of how sexuality is a very complex and nuanced subject and hard-and-fast rules rarely apply broadly.

      I wish you the best and hope you’ve got some good support and a network to help you.

      -M

      • Hello Myrrh,
        There are many Aspies in marriages today, we just know who they are until a wife comes out and says what’s happening to her. And, yes, there are female Aspies, too, it is just much more prominent in males. We are told its just the way men are, unemotional, but this is deeper than that and that kind of an answer trivialises the pain and suffering that these women go through. Go read up on the symptoms of “Casandra Syndrome”and you will see many women you have known over the years to have exhibited these traits.
        Our marriage councelor was a 71 year old doctor of psychology and psychiatry for over 35 years, was a member of the staff at our reformed PCA church body and married 42 years. He had counciled thousands of couples by the time he had seen us. I had already suspected it was Aspergers before the counceling, the doctor just confirmed it during my one private session I had with him. I was a child of sexual trauma at 4 years of age and my husband was a “safe” choice that my father had introduced me to as a prospect for a good marriage partner. I now realize my father was Aspie as well, so I went from a emotionally absent father to that same behavior in my husband. This is why I paid no attention when he didn’t verbally compliment me, look me in the eyes or connect with me on an emotional level. I assumed he was being a wonderful, godly gentleman who was willing to wait until our wedding night. Boy, was I duped! The wedding night was traumatic, to say the least. I layed there after the teo minute episode wondering what had just happened and if this was what the whole world was raving about. I’m still clueless on that one. I don’t know anymore now after 25 years of marriage than I did on the wedding night, except for everything I don’t like in the bedroom. We ss christian wives are programmed to keep our mouths shut about any unhappiness in our marriages and to just take it to the lord and discuss it withour husbands. We are left emotionally barren to suffer in silence because we don’t even know what’s wrong. We just know we hate it and every time he touches us we shudder in fear of what he’s about to ask for. Its sexual abuse all over again for those of us who went through it too young to even understand what happened to us.
        Today I am strong. I have my health because I’ve worked at it. I no longer fear my too greatest fears; the fear of not ever being loved or feeling loved and the fear of humiliation. I could care less who loves me and who doesn’t. I’m leaving for my own sanity. He treats me badly when his needs aren’t met, after 22 years of getting it everytime he asked, and I’m worth more than a bodily crevice. I’m done.

  9. Cont…..
    He was unable to express his emotions or enter into intimacy with me in a neurotypical manner which left me emotionally barren. He could not read non-verbal communication, couldn’t make extended eye contact, and was clueless when it came to anything passionate or sexual other than he needed a release. Sex for him was like using the restroom or eating a sandwich. There was and is no depth to it. He cannot connect intimately nor integrate to become as one flesh, which is the strongest desire in a neurotypical. We’re longing for a sense of oneness, however, with these men we’re never going to get it. It has been 3 years since our marriage counceling sessions and tons of working through the issues, but, unfortunately very little change or growth in him. He doesn’t have the internal apparatus for us to connect to. These men are good men, usually highly moral and steady, provisionary fathers, but they cannot DESIRE us the way we need them to in order to engage us emotionally and sexually. There are a few books out there on these types of relationships, moreso from the neutotypical’s point of view, because we’re they ones lost in this situation, but they primarily focus on our acceptance of our partner’s inability as lifelong and unchangeable and our need to adapt and seek emotional fulfilment from the women in our lives.

  10. Cont…
    I sincerely hope that my experience is not yours as well. After 25 years I am making steps toward ending the marriage. I am his caregiver and the mother of his children, nothing more. A quality relationship is one in which the needs of both parties are satisfied. I’ve never known the meaning of the word. We will continue to be what we have always been, teammates in raising the rest of our children. Some things just can’t be altered in life unless, of course, one is willing to suffer for the sake of the children, religious belief or a deep sincere love for one’s partner.
    I wish you God’s blessing and wisdom in your situation.

    Christina

    • Christina,

      I didn’t realize you had continued your story below. I read through it. To me, it is heartbreaking to read. I know you said you’ve been to counseling. When he received his diagnosis was it kind of a relief to know a “why” behind the “what”?

      I totally get what you’re saying about having a “good man” who is moral and dependable. And also the part about the need to work together to “get life done” (raising kids, managing household etc.)

      Did your husband’s behavior early on seem odd or different to you or did things progress more as the years went on?

      My husband can make eye contact and is generally pretty good with social stuff–this is a skill he’s had to learn more over the years. Just, in the bedroom–it is EXACTLY how you described it…like eating a sandwich (the same sandwich every time for years!) or going to the restroom. I could go on about this but I can so identify with that. I’ve talked to him about the “robotic-ness” of it all and I think he wants/wishes it was different and it isn’t for a lack of trying–but the trying is like trying to explain an abstract concept to an alien who has never seen/heard/experienced it before. It’s rough.

      But, our marriage is “good enough”–just like you said…as it always has been.

      Thank you for sharing your story!

      • Myrrh,
        Yes, the diagnosis helped initially because I could forgive him in total absolution. He nevermeant any ill will or maliciousness of any kind. He actually thought he WAS loving me. He wanted to take it from behind, no touching of any parts of me except to hold my hips for the 10 to 30 seconds of thrusting….22 and a half years. My spirit had closed off to him by the 3rd week of the marriage and I had given up on having any emotional need met by the 6th week. I just couldn’t disappoint my father or him and say what was happening to me or that I had made a mistake in marrying him so I stayed in the marriage and just decided to trust God to work it out. I believed if I obeyed God and submitted myself to my husband that He would bless our union. Then I believed the quiverfull movement, that if I would just submit myself fully to God with my body and allow Him to bring however many children He desired through my womb that He would surely bless my marriage and my husband could desire the actual person that lived within and treat me with loving tenderness. When I ask myself how I got here…how I got in this mess…50 years old with all these kids and no credentials to go out into the workplace because I had put all my eggs in one basket and devoted myself to my husbands needs and those of my children…all I can come up with is…by trusting God.

        • I know this might be a very stupid question to ask, but have you actually talked over the impending divorce with your husband? Or would that just be counterproductive at this point? I assume your husband is still working and contributing financially to the family? Would he have some financial obligation to contribute to your childrens’ care. If he has a diagnosis then there are medical grounds for a divorce, I believe and if he is physically and/or emotionally harming you and/or your children then I think it’s wise that you seek to at least separate. I mean, there have been cases elsewhere in the world where people have divorced and sued for sexual neglect and won. It is a legitimate concern.

          I really hope you have a very good support network of people to help you in this time. It can be super difficult to find that in some churches, however. Do your children have an understanding of the situation or is this mostly kept from them?

          • Yes, discussions have been had. The last time he used me as a human receptacle something was different. I felt nothing…no pain, no fear…just stillness. Two nights later I had a dream. In the dream I confronted my two greatest fears ever in my life….fear of never experiencing the connected, one flesh love of intimacy in this life and fear of humiliation. I realized that it wasn’t because of ME that these things had happened…they were completely outside of me and out of my control…and I just didn’t care anymore. I initially shared the dream with him, but the following week when it all made sense I broke it down to him. I told him I wasn’t angry anymore, I wasn’t in pain towards him, I just was finished. Three years of working on it and no growth despite my efforts…what more do I need to go through to prove to him and to myself that I gave it all I had? He said he fully understood how I felt and that he didn’t blame me. He wants me to find happiness in life and he has committed to supporting me and the kid’s until I can get a career going, and then work as a team with me in finishing the job of parenting our remaining children. I told him I didn’t want any trauma brought on them because I fully know what childhood trauma can do and he agreed. There has never really been any fighting or drama in the marriage. The oldest 2, aged 23 and 20, know somewhat, but they believed their whole lives that their family was perfect. The oldest son was very devastated 3 years ago when it came to a head…I had a “spiritual awakening”as Brene Brown puts it and I couldn’t take the raping any longer and demanded a divorce. Up to that point my children say their childhoods were “epic!” I put the entirety of myself into my marriage and my children, you know that titus 2 thing…I’m happy fof their wonderful memories and I pray they will sustain their hearts and minds as our family goes this transition over the next couple of years.

      • I forgot to tell you I’ve homeschooled 23 years. The youngest are all in school now and I’m getting ready to start on me.

        • Homeschooling for 23 years is really an accomplishment! If you were teaching in a primary school or secondary school you would/could be coming up on retirement soon! Maybe that’s a transferable skill set for you? My mom’s friend homeschooled for about 18 years with her kids and when her marriage ended after the kids left home, she got involved in substituting and has now gone back to get her degree in education and music (she plays the piano and sings)…she’s in her mid-late 50s and will receive her degree in a couple more years. It’s never too late!

      • One other thing…how was his relationship to his mother growing up? If she was emotionally unavailable and non-nurturing…look at Alexithymia…it is one of the byproducts of this lack of maternal connection. She set the stage for his future life’s mate. Unfortunately, it is us that reap the consequences. I tell my 5 girls now….look to his relationship with his mother to see his with you. I never saw my husband embrace his mother, ever. She’s dead now. But she was probably Aspie as well. They just didn’t have a word for it back then. It forever robs them of the ability to fully enter into enjoying their woman and their kids.

        • Whew, Christina. That is just so much for me to wrap my brain around. Thank you for answering my questions. I have a friend right now who is questioning the “quiverful” thing–she’s at a real crossroads with that after another “unplanned” pregnancy. For me, I’m not very legalistic in nature so I’ve already settled all of that in my heart. We use NFP and have for the past 6 years and never had an “unplanned” pregnancy in that time but everyone’s body works differently so people can be on the pill and use barriers and still get pregnant. You’ve made huge sacrifices. I am sure, like all mothers, you love your children but I am nowhere near to 7 and I am totally done having kids (from my own womb–we still keep adoption as a viable option for us in the future). My mom and dad divorced after being married for 25 years and together for more than 30 and I remember those first years when my mom had to reinvent herself–that was rough. She also had “no credentials” and no credit and no car and nothing…she had to really learn and my youngest sister was still in middle school at the time. That was a very unstable time. My dad had his own mental issues that he never was upfront about with her that plagued their whole marriage. They also went to counseling and it never improved. My mom also stuck with my dad to do what she felt God’s Word told her to do. It was a rough life. No one wants to see their parents split up but coming from the other side, I wish my parents had did it sooner–would have saved all of us kids a lot of heartache and sorrow. God is merciful and he understands. I’m very sorry you have suffered in so many ways throughout your life. I hope the future will be better than the past and you’ll get the healing and happiness out of life that you need.

          • Myrrh,
            Thanks so much for your heartfelt words….I really believe now that God isn’t interested in our happiness…but our holiness. There is no other conclusion I can come to than that we are truly just pilgrims passing through on our way to redemption and it doesn’t matter how we got here, who we came through, what happens to us while we’re here, both good and evil…..its all about how we respond…what we make of it…and if we are willing to suffer for His sake. Some go through horrendous suffering…I cry every time I hear Joni Erickson Tada and what she’s gone through for the last 50 years! Why God, have you left this poor woman in this heartwrenching suffering for so long? And I pray for her release….and then my heart aches because I get afraid that He will do the same to me. I get afraid that I will never know what love feels like…never experience great sex or even make-up sex, let alone the one flesh principle….and then I must reign in my bound up emotions and once again lay them at the feet of the Lord….that’s been my routine for so long…I’m so ready to be done…but I’m afraid He will never let me find happiness outside of this marriage…

        • My husband is not from a Western Culture. He is from an East Asian culture. I’m from a Western Culture. We grew up on two different continents, speaking two extremely different languages and he has never lived in my country. I live in his. So, the culture I’m from is considered quite “warm” in that people are more informal with one another, friends and family members hug and embrace often, people say “I love you” to each other. But, in typical Confucian-style, the family my husband grew up in stopped giving him hugs and cuddles when he was about 6-7-years-old. That is also when they stopped throwing birthday parties for him or indulging him. His job was to go to school, study, be polite and be a good and respectful son but in this culture, parents and children do not have a close relationship as equals, even in adulthood. It’s like the concept of “speak when spoken to” but on steroids. They call it a generation gap. My mother-in-law is quite nurturing in her way. But the way adults show love to their children here is by providing for their basic needs. You know that mom loves you because she makes you food and feeds you and cleans your clothes. She doesn’t tell you “I love you” or give you hugs or kisses. She doesn’t comfort you when you have a heartache (bad test score or disappointment) but instead instructs you on “How life is…” with big platitudes and lectures and tells you what you should do. Parents are not a safe place to confide so as children get older, they begin hiding the deepest parts of themselves from their parents–long before adolescence. So, I know for sure that this affected my husband. He became a Christian in early adulthood and for the past decade or so it has just been a process of him learning and unlearning things from his past. I guess that’s not unlike any of us. He’s very good with our little ones–especially when they’re babies up until about 3/4-years-old. He’s a very fun daddy. But, after that he just kind of gets to have a short temper with them and has a hard time indulging their childlikeness. He can be very harsh with our first grader and overreact which is very hard for me to see because I see a lot of myself in my son and I hate how it’s like my husband wants to crush it out of him.

          • Myrrh,
            When you try to have a discussion with him, can he only “defend”or “deflect”? This is a typical Alexithymic response from the inability to express emotion. Does he have premature ejaculation often? About 60% will have lifelong uncontrollable PE because they cannot distinguish the bodily sensation of the orgasm’s approach. It just happens….quickly…and, oh well. He’s sorry….a million times. Seventy percent of them will not mature sexually. It is like being mauled by a 14 year old….forever. it never changes…total incompetence. If you try to discuss it he “defends” or “deflects” and we’re “just never satisfied”with what he tries. Its enough to drive you insane! People ask how I handle all such well behaved children….the kids are a piece of cake….I can do 20 of them…its the 1 marriage I can’t do. I’ve done everything in my power to love this man and try to create something to connect to, to feel something…but I’m dead on the inside…too much hope deferred…I don’t see any meaning in this life and if I was sure the lord wouldn’t mind, I’d put a bullet through my heart. I must continue to trust that He is in control and that one day He will release me from this body of flesh. It sickens me to hear of all the human trafficking taking place in our world today. Men will continue to disregard the humanity of their objects in their constant search for their next great orgasm until the Lord returns. Let’s pray for our sons and daughters, that they be neither perpetrators nor victims.

  11. Thank you, again, Christina for all you’ve shared. I hope that it will be enlightening to other women/men who may be going through something similar but not realize what they’re dealing with.

    I agree somewhat with your comment about holiness vs. happiness. I agree that God is foremost interested in our holiness and refinement but I don’t think holiness and happiness are mutually exclusive and I think there is a lot of evidence of that from both Scripture and peoples’ personal testimonies. But happiness, to me is quite fleeting and shallow–but joy, joy is another thing–and that isn’t dependent on circumstances, as Paul wrote about in Philippians. Yes, but a “pursuit of happiness” is a pretty humanistic and shallow goal.

    I do believe that choices have consequences–even choices made with good intentions are not necessarily wise/good choices. So, for example, when I look at my difficulties in my own marriage, often I have a feeling of “Well, this isn’t fair…this isn’t the bag of goods I thought I was buying…” I think so many people have that experience after marriage. I didn’t know how much my marriage would cost me. I didn’t know how much having children would cost me. I didn’t know how weary life would make me. And I feel like saying, “Why didn’t someone take me and shake me before they let me make this decision?!” Because, I was quite young when I got married and I went into it naive in many ways. But, the fact is, even if someone did “shake me” and say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” would I have listened? Maybe? Maybe not. And it was my choice–I got to make that choice and I get to live with the consequences of it–despite my painful and abused past that predisposed me to make those sorts of choices in those sorts of ways. Joni Eareckson Tada made choices too and those choices had big, big consequences. It isn’t fair and in some ways it’s heartbreaking. But, I subscribe to a lot of her social media stuff and I don’t get the impression at all that she is not happy or joyful. Yes, she does have pain and a burden to bear but she has a husband who loves her, her life is meaningful and she has impacted so many people around the world. She has lived the gospel. Same thing with Nick Vujicic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zeb-k-XzaI) who is also married and now has a small child.

    But it does sound that you have had rational and fruitful conversations with your husband about things. In a way, it’s about the best that can be hoped for–that even in such a difficult situation, he would willingly support you and your children which is actually a sign of love in some way and that he supports you in your efforts to move on. That is encouraging to hear that.

    As far as on my side, we’ve never had any problems with ED or him not being able to last very long. Our situation is more like my husband just doesn’t have a “knack” for any of the sexual things that bring me pleasure. I wish he could somehow trade places with me and experience first-hand what it feels like to be on my side and maybe then he could understand. But, alas, he can’t. And I can’t see his side either completely. So, most of the time I just focus on making him feel good because it’s just too uncomfortable and tough on both of us for him to keep trying the same with me but never quite getting there. It’s hard because much of the time I just have to endure things that are uncomfortable for me or at the very least not pleasurable because I feel like I need to “Give him a chance” but when I correct, because everything he does needs to be corrected, it’s just really demotivating. So, in some way, like you said, it’s like dealing with a child. You don’t want to crush a child by being too harsh when they are putting in their best effort. Sexually, he’s just immature and I have no promise that he’ll ever be mature. So, there is a certain sadness to that. But, I am faithful to do my part.

    • Yes, Myrrh, that is my hope…that another sister would see answers to her situation and that at least some of the confusion and pain can end…there is a book that I recently saw that may be of help to your situation…by Athol Kay…The Married Man Sex Life Primer….if you enjoy his touch and he can communicate his love through words and eye contact, and can read your non-verbal cues that’s 90% of intimacy… you can work with that.
      About choice….that’s another bag of worms ialtogether….I finally realize that we can never judge another’s behavior or choices for all of us have been programmed as children, whether for good or bad. I was programmed in submission…I had a 6 foot 5, 350 pound father with a thick black braided strap, heavy hands and a quick temper…imagine the terror in an 18 month old’s soul under that kind of harsh discipline…you’re too young to even fully know what his demands are so you can obey…when he said “this man will make a good husband for you and you need to take a look at him”, your programming takes over and you blindly obey…its what you’ve been trained to do. It didn’t matter that there was no love or even chemistry, you just did. Unless you’ve been there it’s hard to comprehend how deep the subverting of a human soul can go…now ask, “did she make the choice of her own FREE will?” Nobody tells you that one day you will come out of the “coma”you’ve been in for 45 years…that you’ll break your programming and then what got you through the last 20 won’t work anymore…the brain refuses to dissociate through it anymore…and you’ve got to have more…the kids aren’t enough anymore…prayer and faith just aren’t enough anymore…nothing is…and you realize you’ve outgrown the circumstances….all the ties that bound you to the situation are broken….and you desire to be truly free…
      There’s a saying that we all really live two lives….the one we learn from….and the one we live thereafter….God Bless.