Kate says . . .
There are a handful of our posts, which even though we wrote them long ago, get comments daily. One of those posts is, I Don’t Find My Wife Attractive Anymore. It is no shocker that attraction and desire are huge issues in marriage, or is it?? This is the flip-flop post for all those wives out there who struggle with being attracted to their husbands. It is a two-part post. The first post is to those of you out there who are soon to be wives. Those who are seriously dating or engaged. Because Jesus calls us to love and truth, it is not my intention to condemn, but to challenge.
To “soon to be wives” – the seriously dating and engaged . . .
We have quite a few seriously dating/engaged couples who check out our blog. If the person you are with is someone you could see yourself marrying, perhaps you are planning just that, please stop and ask yourself, “Am I attracted to this man?” In other words, do you find him sexy? Do you think about his physical features? Do you get excited when you think about exploring his body? This is not meant to lead you down a path that you should not be on until after your wedding, but it is meant to challenge you. Physical attraction is a huge part of marriage. It is not everything by any means, but the sexual side of marriage and attraction go hand in hand.
No Kissing and No touch has backfired
There are many people who encourage very little touching (holding hands, arms around one another, etc.) and no kissing before marriage. I do believe this movement came about with good intentions and yet I hear more and more from young couples who adopted this “no kissing” dating that are now married and realize that they are not attracted to one another. Or the attraction is only one-sided. That is a real issue, and one that needs to be addressed in the church. In the fear that we will lead young people into temptation, we have led them to believe that we must deny ourselves the experience of figuring out whether or not we are physically attracted to our potential husband.
Kiss for heaven’s sake!
What am I suggesting you might ask? To be honest, you need to kiss your man! How much and how often, that is something you need 2 things for. The first is that you need to be talking to God. His plan for marriage is simply that much of the physical be saved for exploring in marriage. So if you are talking with him and determined together to not get ahead of God in his plan for marriage, he will lead you! The second thing that is needed is a married couple you trust who you can talk to and who can keep you accountable. It is way too easy for kissing to turn into other things and all of a sudden you are on temptations door step and it is so hard to resist, if you are attracted to one another.
You will be naked with him!
On your wedding night God desires for you to get undressed and enjoy each other sexually. To be nervous about sex is one thing and completely normal, but to be unsure of your desire and attraction for your future husband is a red flag! If you find yourself attracted to everything else about him, but not physically, that is a red flag as well. God wants you to be attracted to your future husband physically. You should think he is sexy, handsome and desire to have sex with him.
Can attraction grow over time? Yes, but that is a dangerous game to play. What if in 5 years you are still in the same place? You have made a choice to step into a marriage that does not have the physical component that God desires it to have. Sex and physical intimacy are not the leftovers of marriage, a thing we can do without. It is something that God saved just for the marriage relationship, a glue in many ways!
If you find yourself confused about whether or not you are attracted to your potential husband to be, please find a trusted wife that you can talk to and get wise counsel. Don’t be misled, that attraction will come later. I know it is hard to think of hurting someone, but the hurt will be much worse when in marriage it is realized that there is not mutual attraction.
Would love to hear others thoughts on this topic! Comment below and let’s get the “church” talking about this very important issue!