I Kissed Dating Hello

Kate says . . .

There are a handful of our posts, which even though we wrote them long ago, get comments daily. One of those posts is, I Don’t Find My Wife Attractive Anymore. It is no shocker that attraction and desire are huge issues in marriage, or is it?? This is the flip-flop post for all those wives out there who struggle with being attracted to their husbands. It is a two-part post. The first post is to those of you out there who are soon to be wives. Those who are seriously dating or engaged. Because Jesus calls us to love and truth, it is not my intention to condemn, but to challenge.will-you-marry-me

To “soon to be wives” – the seriously dating and engaged . . .

We have quite a few seriously dating/engaged couples who check out our blog. If the person you are with is someone you could see yourself marrying, perhaps you are planning just that, please stop and ask yourself, “Am I attracted to this man?” In other words, do you find him sexy? Do you think about his physical features? Do you get excited when you think about exploring his body? This is not meant to lead you down a path that you should not be on until after your wedding, but it is meant to challenge you. Physical attraction is a huge part of marriage. It is not everything by any means, but the sexual side of marriage and attraction go hand in hand.

No Kissing and No touch has backfired

There are many people who encourage very little touching (holding hands, arms around one another, etc.) and no kissing before marriage. I do believe this movement came about with good intentions and yet I hear more and more from young couples who adopted this “no kissing” dating that are now married and realize that they are not attracted to one another. Or the attraction is only one-sided. That is a real issue, and one that needs to be addressed in the church. In the fear that we will lead young people into temptation, we have led them to believe that we must deny ourselves the experience of figuring out whether or not we are physically attracted to our potential husband.

Kiss for heaven’s sake!

What am I suggesting you might ask? To be honest, you need to kiss your man! How much and how often, that is something you need 2 things for. The first is that you need to be talking to God. His plan for marriage is simply that much of the physical be saved for exploring in marriage. So if you are talking with him and determined together to not get ahead of God in his plan for marriage, he will lead you! The second thing that is needed is a married couple you trust who you can talk to and who can keep you accountable. It is way too easy for kissing to turn into other things and all of a sudden you are on temptations door step and it is so hard to resist, if you are attracted to one another.

You will be naked with him!

On your wedding night God desires for you to get undressed and enjoy each other sexually. To be nervous about sex is one thing and completely normal, but to be unsure of your desire and attraction for your future husband is a red flag! If you find yourself attracted to everything else about him, but not physically, that is a red flag as well. God wants you to be attracted to your future husband physically. You should think he is sexy, handsome and desire to have sex with him.

Can attraction grow over time? Yes, but that is a dangerous game to play. What if in 5 years you are still in the same place? You have made a choice to step into a marriage that does not have the physical component that God desires it to have. Sex and physical intimacy are not the leftovers of marriage, a thing we can do without. It is something that God saved just for the marriage relationship, a glue in many ways!

If you find yourself confused about whether or not you are attracted to your potential husband to be, please find a trusted wife that you can talk to and get wise counsel. Don’t be misled, that attraction will come later. I know it is hard to think of hurting someone, but the hurt will be much worse when in marriage it is realized that there is not mutual attraction.

Would love to hear others thoughts on this topic! Comment below and let’s get the “church” talking about this very important issue!

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18 Responses to I Kissed Dating Hello

  1. My opinion: kissing is way too important to leave until the altar.

    Seriously, though, I do believe the “ultra-pure” culture in the church has led not only to what you describe, married couples not being attracted to each other, but also to much shame over sex in general. Bad news all the way.

  2. My husband and I kissed before marriage, but I became so obsessed reading articles about purity that I would feel guilty about the kissing (see boundless.org). I wish I had never read those articles.

    Now that we are married, I have a very difficult time being sexual to the point where my body shuts down. I spent 6 months receiving medical treatment for vaginismus- unfortunately that did not address the underlying psychological causes. Now we drive very far every week for several months to see a Christian sex therapist. Our sex life has been a nightmare due to the excruciating pain. While it’s impossible to say for certain that “no kissing no touch” movement caused it, I believe it was a major contributing factor. In my opinion, the purity obsession is doing more harm than good.

  3. In my opinions, kissing is very important for couples no matter they are in dating or marriage, since it is a good way to resolve conflicts. I met my partner in 2012, and I even kissed her in the second dating 🙂 She is my wife now, and we do not forget to kiss each other every day.

  4. I must respectfully disagree with this. My husband and I (married four years this summer) were together for two years before getting married. We shared our first kiss after we had been engaged for three months, only two months before the wedding. And since it was a long distance relationship, we only saw each other one other time between then and the wedding. So our “pre-wedding” kissing was at a minimum. (We didn’t wait till the altar because we didn’t want to share that moment with hundreds of other people.)

    Let me tell you, we had no problem knowing if we were attracted to each other before kissing!! And it wasn’t that we had a lot of experience individually since we both shared our first kiss ever with each other. I strongly disagree with the idea that you have to try it a little to “know”.

    I think the problem with the “purity movement” isn’t in the physical boundaries placed, but the lack of education (from parents preferably) of what sexuality means. Perhaps these couples who wait to kiss, and then find themselves in an attraction-less marriage, believe that having a lack of desire for each other beforehand is a sign that they are “spiritually right”.

    I’m not saying it’s a sin to kiss beforehand. I understand people have different convictions than I do and I respect that. I just don’t believe that kissing before marriage is the answer to the problem. And I know in my close acquaintances and with my siblings that I am not the exception to the rule. Many who choose to wait till at least engagement, if not longer, have very rich sexual lives.

    • Hi Amanda, thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts. We like when people open up and discuss these issues, because talking openly and honestly, we believe is a key to healthy marriage rooted in God’s plan for them.

      I just want to be clear, I did not say that kissing would fix this problem. I just said that I believe it is ok to do and to use as a ‘physical desire for one another’, gauge. On the other hand, I must respectfully disagree with you as well. I don’t think reading books, talking to your parents and becoming better educated is going to “make” you be attracted to someone physically. You can have the BEST sex education in the world, have great parental role models where marriage is concerned and still struggle in your sex life. God designed us to be attracted to our spouse and to desire them physically. I feel we are so afraid of that, that we don’t go near the physical until we are married. Great for guarding purity, but not so great for discovering if you are attracted to your potential spouse sexually. There are many different parts to attraction, they are not all physical. But physical IS important and it is the one the church tends to avoid like the plague. We teach, “don’t talk about it and don’t have sex” then they get married and we say “have sex and talk about it!” and if there is any problems, “seek God and he will fix it.” God CAN heal anything, but he also doesn’t want us to stick our heads in the sand. Nor does he want us to be afraid of what he has created for good! Very good!

      I am thankful that your story is a testament to good of waiting. I don’t deny, that there are many other marriages like yours. Yet the emails I get daily, tell another story. One full of hurt and marriages that hold no attraction to one another. I believe God can heal those marriage and bring desire for one another. Because once married God is FOR the marriage. But we can also look to how we can avoid those things in the future with new marriages.

      Again, I really appreciate you sharing and am thankful for the one flesh marriage story you have to share! Blessings, Kate

      • I didn’t mean to say you think that it’s the answer. And when I said that education could be the answer, I totally didn’t mean it would “make” attraction happen. I meant that it would make people aware if it WASN’T there. I.e., “I’m suppose to be wanting to touch this man, kiss this woman, and I don’t. So this may not be the person I’m suppose to be with.” (THAT kind of education.) I just don’t believe everyone needs a physical “gauge” to know that. That’s all. 🙂 If there’s a young person out there who wants to save their kiss for when there’s a marriage commitment, and they aren’t feeling that attraction, I don’t want them to feel they have to give that kiss before they are ready. If you’re genuinely not attracted to someone you don’t necessarily have to test that.

        Having said that, I understand that others may be fine with easing up on their hold on that idea. Ultimately, it needs to be a decision that the couple makes, together. And I would say that unless it’s a huge issue of pride, it’s better to err on the side of caution and follow the lead of the more conservative one.

        Btw, I’ve greatly enjoyed reading your blog the last several months. After a very rough first pregnancy, as it pertained to our sexual life, you’ve really helped give me the tools to heal our physical relationship from those 9 months, as well as gain knowledge for a future pregnancy. Thank you for that!

        • Hi again Amanda,

          Sorry it took me a bit of time to respond again! I do agree with you that no one should feel pressure to by physical in a relationship before marriage. I still hold that kissing is fine, when you are seriously dating. We have already told our daughter many times (and our sons on the flip side) that kisses are something special and that they are hers to give, no one should be taking them from her. Anyway, I think we are coming at it differently, but have the same purpose in mind.

          My post was inspired, as I said, more couples then I can count, that are married and unattracted to one another. As a church, I do believe we are partially responsible for this. I also feel that once those couples are married and deeply discourage, we (the church) is doing very little to help them. That makes me sad and breaks my heart. God has good things planned for marriage.

          I am very interested in hearing what other people feel will better help couples to understand that physical attraction is a good thing, and should be considered before marriage. I don’t believe it should be left to “figure out” once married. I realize that there are still marriages that happen for various reason, but most of us are free to choose whom we marry and if that is the case, then we need to remember how God created a man and women to be bonded in marriage, part of that being physical.

          So I agree with much of what you have said, but still see a big issue here. I hope this will open up discussion about how to help young couples.

          Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I praise God with you, because it is ALL Him! Our story and that he asked us to share it-is all Him! I am humbled that he would choose to use us in this way and pray that marriages will seek to better understand His amazing plan! Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and I look forward to anything else you want to share! Any other ideas you have! Blessings, Kate

  5. Sigh. I wish I’d seen this post about desire before I married my (now ex, and psychologically abusive, husband). I never would have. I was never attracted to him… I was attracted to how passionately he seemed attracted to me. And once he discovered that I didn’t magically turn into a nymphomaniac once I had a ring on my finger, his passion went away. Which left me struggling to become attracted to him, and him berating me for being a terrible wife and unwilling to “provide for his needs”. We kissed plenty of times before we got married, but the rest of this post, about pausing to gauge physical attraction, is in my opinion the most important part. I didn’t even like the way he kissed, and he never listened when I tried to suggest trying something else… all around a bad situation.

    • Hi Kari,

      Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sure it is not an easy thing to do on many levels. Remember Kari, that God loves you so very much and nothing will EVER change that. You are His and always will be.

      I appreciate what you have said, that even though you kissed it was stopping to access your physical attraction that would have been helpful. As I said above, I do believe kissing is a good thing in a seriously dating relationship. But that aside, we need to be helping couples in understanding that physical attraction is a good thing when it is for your spouse or soon to be spouse. Too often the physical side of marriage is an uncomfortable topic and so we as a church, avoid it. Leaving couples to struggle, to believe there is something wrong with them, that they are broken. Instead of encouraging where God encourages. He created our bodies to be attracted to one another. It is good!

      I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and honest! Please know that I am lifting you up right now! God is with you and loves you deeply! Blessings, Kate

  6. While I don’t disagree with you, I do have to ask…Are you saying that the only way you’ll know if you are truly attracted to your future husband is to kiss him? I don’t really agree with that. If you have to kiss him to find out, I’d argue that the physical attraction is minimal. There were a few guys in my past I was physically attracted to. I did not need to kiss them to test that theory out. In fact, it probably would have been dangerous for me. I think this whole no-kissing decision is a personal thing. If a person feels that a “no-kissing” policy(or any variant) is best for them to avoid going places they shouldn’t, more power to them. If a person can kiss without much temptation to do anything else, that’s great, too. Like I said, a decision best made by an individual, an individual who hopefully knows themselves well enough to know their own boundaries. I liked this blog post, I just can’t fully agree with the “You have to kiss him to see how the physical attraction is.” I’m not saying that’s not the case in a lot of instances, but that sometimes, that could be bad advice. Am I making any sense? 🙂

    • Hi Amanda,
      Thanks so much for commenting and asking a great question. One that I knew I would get with this post. But that was totally ok with me, because it opens up a MUCH needed discussion on the subject!

      To answer your question . . . no! I am not saying that you have to kiss to know if you are physically attracted to one another or not. And you are so right, many people know they are attracted to someone without kissing. I knew I was attracted to my husband-no doubt in my mind. Just sayin!

      I also agree that it IS a person decision. That being said, we are here to talk about topics in marriage, to share our story of God working in our marriage and to share what we think! I think kissing before marriage is something that should happen. Again, just my thoughts as I shared above. If a couple has reasons why that should not happen, then I am ok with that too.

      The main issue I have is with the “repression” mentality. That we are supposed to repress sexual desire in the physical form until marriage and then just let it all out. While we are called to save that for marriage, it is supposed to be preparation for marriage, no repression of something very good that God designed.

      As I shared above, this is all coming from couples we have talked to, that have repressed to the point of figuring that desire would just be there on their wedding day. Now 6 months or a couple of years in and both are hurting deeply. We as married couples, have an obligation to help those who are engaged and seriously dating, in our church families. Once married, God is for the marriage. Brad and I love helping married couples, talking with them and praying with them. But time and time, we come to the same conclusion, the church does very little with getting down to the nitty-gritty of premarital! So the point in my post was to encourage engaged couples and seriously dating to think about attraction. To actually ask the question “Am I attracted to this person?” To challenge them to find another couple to talk to. Although I made my point about kissing, that was not the purpose of the post not my main point. But I am also not surprised that it is what most people heard. Because it IS an issue!

      This discussion is exactly what I was hoping for. If you have other ideas for these couples, I would honestly love to hear them! And you comment was great, well thought out and made complete sense. I appreciate it greatly! Thanks again Amanda and hope to hear more from you! Blessings, Kate

  7. I have to disagree with this one as well. I have been married for four years, and my wife and I were sexually active before marriage- kissing obviously being a part of that. The problem is that we also both had previous “kissing partners”, she more than I. I can only speak for myself, but I am sure the same holds true for her also: each and every kiss she gave before marriage to someone else still haunts me. It crushes me. So while kissing your spouse before marriage holds little damaging implications, what if they don’t end up being your spouse after all? I am not saying a history of partners can’t be overcome in a marriage- I am saying that it should not be downplayed. Our culture does enough of that already.

    On to the second point, of kissing being a way to guage physical attraction; I must respectfully disagree with that statement as well. To the converse of those who do not kiss before marriage and realize there is no attraction there afterwards: my wife and I kissed frequently and with great passion before marriage. And now I find she is not physically attracted to me anymore. I believe physical attraction should be the result of a deeper attraction. My wife’s lack of physical attraction for me, I know, is not a result of her just losing desire for me: it is a result of the loss of a deeper attraction. I believe putting emphasis on physical attraction is a very secular – and dangerous -ground approach. Is physical attraction important? Absolutely. But not as a result of someone’s outward appearance or kissing abilities. Physical attraction should be a result of n attraction to so much more.

    God bless,

    Michael

  8. While what I am about to say will rile feathers, that is not my intention. I am giving my own personal experience and choices, it will not be viewed well or accepted by the majority. I wholeheartedly agree with this post. More often than not a level of genuine attraction and knowing you are compatible with someone is through kissing. I am a God-fearing, Christian woman, who yes I do live with my boyfriend and engage in premarital sex. Please leave your judgment to yourself. I am not a floozy who sleeps around with any and every man I have dated, and despite it being against Gods will doesnt make me any less of a believer. I have chosen my path with this because I dont want to marry someone who is sexually incompatible with me. Whether you agree or disagree with my decision and how I came to it is neither here nor there… I simply have made this choice for myself, and do not encourage one to follow my path if its something they disagree with. And of course I totally respect anyones choice to wait till the wedding night. I personally would be incredibly upset, frustrated, angry and annoyed if I married someone who I later came to find out is not sexually compatible or “attractive” that way to me. I would much prefer to find that out beforehand than be married and miserable in the sex department. Sex is a HUGE and SIGNIFICANT part of a relationship and marriage that can either make or break it. I refuse to accept divorce except in dire circumstances such as an addiction, abuse, or abuse/neglect of the child. I would much rather know a head of time that we are attracted to each other and our sex life was compatible than divorce over sex and attraction being a problem or fulfilling. That old saying of “try the milk before you buy the cow” is pretty on point in my humble opinion. A previous boyfriend I was with for almost 4 years was completely opposit in the sex drive/desire department, which was one big deciding factor that I realized he was not the one fore me nor I for me nor I for him. I couldn’t keep up with his sexual demands of having sex 2+more times a day, and I eventually started becoming resentful and shut off from him, rejecting sex because I was being demanded of it so much. Anyways, I kinda went off topic and rambled sorry about that

    Like I said I know most if not all of you are going to disagree with me. And thats fine, and I completely understand. But this is just my opinion and I wanted to share.

    • Socal-gal88,

      I pray you are spared the consequences my wife and I have faces for breaking a law of God and engaging in pre-marital sex. Take it from someone who has been there: your sexual compatability before marriage is no indicator of what it will be like in marriage. My wife and I had sex upwards of 4x per day while dating and living together, her initiating as often as I. After marriage, everything changes- in part, based on how you honored God’s Word and wishes. I do not judge, for I was once where you are; but I must refute your assumptions, looking back at where it brought me. God’s laws are never easily broken, and I pray you are spares the suffering we have endured as a result of our disobedience.

      God Bless,

      Michael

      • I am always interested in others view points. That doesn’t mean I will subscribe to them. But I am interested in what you are referring to that caused you both to have strife caused(or so you think was caused) from the situation. If you wouldn’t mind explaining I am wholeheartedly interested.

        Hope to hear back

        • Socal-gal88,

          Our trial came in the form of a lack of trust on her part. The only way I can explain it is that she subconsciously felt that if I didn’t respect her enough, or respect God’s Word enough, to wait until the time He had appointed for us ro share in this precious gift; I wouldn’t respect her or His Word enough to stay faithful to her. You may be thinking that you don’t feel this way, and she is different than you and so on- and perhaps you’re right. All I know is that she didn’t choose to feel this way, and it affected our marriage for years. I have known other couples with similar stories. All of whom engaged in pre-marital sex, and all of whom fought sexual battles in marriage as a result. I guess this is where the Scripture “God is not mocked; what you sew, ye shall reap” comes in to play. You can’t break His Word eithout consequences. I am living proof.

          God Bless,

          Michael

        • While I completely understand your point of view, God created marriage and He created sex to be a special gift which draws two people together. Something you don’t share with anyone else, and doing so is damaging to you, and your future spouse. If you had never been with anyone prior to your husband/wife then there would be nothing to compare with. To say that you must try before you buy is to say that God doesn’t know what He’s doing; that we know better. That’s not a statement I’d like to make. There is a special blessing on marriage. Personally I don’t believe kissing will help with the decision, physical attraction is natural. It certainly didn’t help with my boyfriends. My husband and I waited and it was amazing. Our love for each other has grown from there with a special marital blessing from God – I can literally feel it. I wish I could take back all the kisses I gave away and I deeply regret that I didn’t save everything for my husband, as many women do. I highly recommend “The Good Girls Guide to Sex” – Sheila doesn’t advocate “no kissing”, but an honest reflection of your heart attitude. Instead of saying “We can’t do this”, ask “Would this honour God?”, the answer for each couple may be different – I’m not sure, but definitely sex outside of marriage is a sin and should be repented of. There is no judgement from me, it’s not my place, and I do understand. But I also know that God speaks for a reason and it’s because He has something better for you.

    • Hi Socal-gal88,

      Thank you for writing and sharing where you are. There is no judgement here, from Brad and I, please know that. We want to talk about issues and be open and honest about marriage and sex through God’s plans for what he created.

      I also thank Michael for sharing from his experience.

      First I want to say, that while I was encouraging kissing, I was not advocating for anything more physical. Nor was I saying where those physical lines should be drawn-those have always been grey areas and I feel having good accountability in place is the best way to go about that, when you are seriously dating.

      That being said, premarital sex is NOT a salvation issue and you are right you are just as much a believer as anyone else who is a Christ follower.

      So while I totally get where you are coming from, really I do! Here is where I feel your logic will fail – you will find yourself sexually incompatible with your spouse at some point in your marriage and if we are real-many times. Whether you have had sex or not is NOT going to change that reality.

      The thing about God’s design of waiting for marriage is this-that then when you have those times of struggles, hurdles and incompatibility-you will get through those hurdles together. Any trial we can work through, makes us stronger on the other side, if we allow God to do his work in us. If you have never been with anyone other then your spouse, the great part is, you know no different and you work on it together.

      Now does that mean because you have had sex, that God will punish you are you will struggle in your sexual intimacy in your marriage? God does not punish people like that. Our choices we make DO have earthly consequences to them, but those are as a result of our own actions, not God! God can use any choice you have made in your life and use it for His good. You have to only allow him to do that.

      Sex is blessing in marriage, but many struggle at times in their marriage. Its a wonderful thing, but it is hard at times.

      I realize you are not asking for my advice, but at the same time you did comment on our blog. 🙂 I would encourage you to talk to your boyfriend and to stop having sex. Stop trying to figure out if you and this man are sexually compatible and ask God if he (your boyfriend) is who God wants you to do life with. To experience ups and downs, to grow with, and yes to enjoy and figure out sex with. And if we are real, to struggle with sex at times with. Is he a man after God’s own heart. Because if he is and God leads you to marriage, then you two will grow and figure out sex together as you grow and change.

      If you ever want to talk further, please email me. I would love to talk with you. Know that I am praying for you! Blessings, Kate