Kate says . . .
There are a handful of our posts, that even though we wrote them long ago, get comments daily. One of those posts is, I Don’t Find My Wife Attractive Anymore. It is no shocker that attraction and desire are huge in marriage, or is it?? This is the flip-flop post for all those wives out there who struggle with being attracted to their husbands. It is a two-part post. The first post, I Kissed Dating Hello, is for “soon to be wives” (those who are seriously dating or engaged). This second post is for those of you who are already married and struggle with attraction.
We all have struggles in marriage, there are ebbs and flows to any relationship. For many continued attraction to their husband can be an issue. As the years pass they don’t find themselves attracted to their husbands anymore. Some admit that they never felt attracted to them when they married them. So what do we do with this issue once married?
God is for your marriage
Too many times we are tempted to think that God might be using our feeling to tell us that this marriage is not going to work out. It is easy to think “how can I continue on in marriage if the attraction isn’t there?” Let me assure you that God wants your marriage to continue and that he desires for you to be attracted to each other. If your heart is open, he can restore anything. Remember that!
The enemy knows how important attraction is
It is everywhere we look. Images that speak of desire and attraction. Images that sell us a lie that everyone should be perfect looking, almost plastic like. Many of us buy into these images and the enemy knows it. He knows that we are an image oriented society. He uses that to his advantage. Brad and I have always said, that the enemy has the most to gain from breaking up marriages. Marriage effects so many other relationships in our lives and that makes them a prime target. Understanding that and praying against it is vital for our marriages.
He has changed physically
So you have been married for a while and your hubby has lost some of his hair, or what is there is turning grey, maybe he has gained a bit of weight. Maybe he doesn’t shower as often as when you were dating and is just plain “comfortable” in life. To be honest, wives this is the thing I hear the most. Here is the hard truth; you are called to respect and love your husband no matter what. In marriage as we both change, our attraction should continue to flourish. If you find yourself in this situation, I challenge you to see your husband for who he is, not for who he isn’t.
“But he should take care of himself, doesn’t God ask us to do that as well?”
Yes he does. God wants us to care for the physical body we have so that we can better serve Him, in our marriage and in all areas. The problem with this thinking is that while you can encourage him in healthy eating and regular exercise, you can’t make him lose that extra weight by nagging and complaining. You are his wife, the one who vowed to love him through ALL things. He needs you to love him just as he is and lift him up as well as encourage him in love to. Your love, respect and influence can be a great motivator or a great blow to him as a man.
Men fight the body image issue as well. We can help them to know they are loved and adored-always. After our two biological kids were born, Brad’s love and devotion to me no matter what I looked like was vital. No matter how big you get when you are pregnant, you feel awful looking after you give birth. He was so sweet and reminded me that my body just did something magnificent. He also expressed how much he desired to be with me again not pressuring me, but letting me know that he was still attracted to me and could not wait to have sex again. I cannot imagine the hurt I would have experienced if he had not been so caring in those times. We need to have the same love, devotion and attraction to our husband as well.
Don’t compare him
The comparing game has never helped anyone in life and it certainly will not help you stay attracted to your husband. Don’t play that game. When you start to hold him up and compare him to the models or other men we know, it is not fair. I know that I don’t want to be compared, I want to be loved for who I am. For how God has made me. I have no doubt your husband does as well.
How do I get the attraction back?
Pray, my friend, pray! Ask God to restore your desire for your husband. Make sure you are avoiding looking at other men and media versions of men and focus only on your man. Look to see the amazing things about him. Praise him, uplift him. Go to him, hug and love on him. Kiss him and enjoy him. Touch him, hold hands. Get familiar with his body and love that man! And then keep praying for God to restore that desire. I believe God wants that desire to be there. When we seek God in all things, he hears us and wants good for our marriage. Believe that! Speak life and truth into your marriage.
Grow old together
We all have those “things” about getting older that aren’t our favorite. For my beloved, one is losing his hair. Yet, when I look at him daily, he looks so handsome. Do I notice that he is changing? Yes, but it is not a bad thing. He looks more distinguished then ever and I find him more attractive then when we were first married. I would have never thought that possible, but it is true! I am changing too, just in case you weren’t sure . . . but we are growing older together. Enjoying the different stages of life-together. To think that we are all going to remain young and look like we did when we got married is unrealistic.
Your husband needs to keep hearing from you in many different ways that you find him sexy, attractive, handsome and irresistible! Don’t stop telling him because you assume that he knows. Tell him! Find many fun ways to fill that need in his life!
The Bottom Line
Brad and I have always said that we will not shy away from the truth, even if it is hard at times. The truth here, ladies is that you took vows and promised God that you would love your man, through ALL of life. You vowed to love and respect him, forgetting all other men. There are many vows we made on our wedding day that will be tested, that is part of why we made them. Finding your husband less attractive now is your issue, not his! Even if he has changed! It is a heart issue that you need to go to God with. I know that may be hard to hear, but I would be holding back if I didn’t speak truth. Your husband deserves your love, respect, devotion and your attraction. Not because he looks the part or doesn’t, but because he is your husband and attraction is a part of God’s plan for marriage.
If you struggle in this area of your marriage, please share with us. Leave a comment and let us know how you been able to overcome this?