4 Ways to Pursue Your Wife

Brad says…

Pursue – (v.) to follow and try to catch or capture someone for usually a long distance or time. Every wife wants to be pursued by her husband, and yet all too often we neglect the mission. Kate’s post, 5 Ways to Initiate with Your Husband gave wives important things they need to be doing, today I want to follow-up with ideas for the guys.

The dating stage of your relationship is naturally filled with pursuing activities. We want our wives to know that we are interested in them. Unfortunately, as I talked about in one of my early posts, many men feel like we can stop pursuing after the wedding because “we’ve caught them right?Pursue My Wife

Pursuing your wife tells her you are invested, you are interested, you care and you want her! Yes, pursuit has some elements of sexual energy in it, but it isn’t all sex. If you are just pursuing your wife for sex you are doing it wrong! You need to pursue her mind, her heart, her soul & her body!

Pursue Her Mind

Do you know what your wife does all day? Do you know what she is thinking about at work or at home? Do you know what she is reading, watching, or talking about with her girlfriends? You should! Don’t just zone out when she pulls up her Pinterest page. Show an interest in the things that she is thinking about.

You are not the only one with hope and dreams, talk to her about her dreams, for home, for work, for life after kids. What would she love to do? Does she have a hobby, learn everything you can about it and talk to her about it sometimes.

Your investment in her mind will show her that you still desire to get to know her! Trust me you don’t know it all yet!

Pursue Her Heart

Valentine’s Day comes but once a year, (thank goodness) and if that is the only time you show love to your wife you are missing the boat! Recently we were cleaning out my parent’s basement and came across a box of notes and letters from our early dating days. Can I say I was a pathetic hopeless romantic. I wrote Kate a whole book of lousy poetry, just because. But the point is I was doing a TON more to pursue Kate’s heart when we were dating. I didn’t let an opportunity to go by without expressing love to her.

I’m guessing I’m not the only one out there that pursues their wife’s heart less than he pursued his girlfriends. The key isn’t returning to those early days, it is bringing back the desire to show her how much you love and care for her. The reason is the key not the sappy sentiment. Figure out how to show her you love her!

Pursue Her Soul

How is your wife growing spiritually? Do you know? Growing in Christ takes more than individual time with God. It takes people learning together, challenging each other and growing each other. You grow when you can talk about what you are learning or how you are being challenging.

What keeps us from doing this with our wives is that many times we feel like she’s the “spiritual giant” of the family. While that may or may not be true it doesn’t mean you can’t pursue her soul. Find a way to talk about what you are learning. What stood out to you in the sermon? What did she read in Scripture this week? These conversations not only help each of you grow but show her you are interested in her soul!

Pursue Her Body

There was a day when you dreamed of being able to kiss the nape of your wife’s neck. Remember those days? When the thought of her body was exciting? It is natural for that heart pounding passion to change over time, but that doesn’t mean we don’t keep pursuing her body. This actually isn’t just about sex.

Pursuing her body is telling her about the things you admire and find sexy. Giving her soft sensual touch that doesn’t have any strings attached. It is letting her know that you are thinking about her while you are away from each other. It is letting her know of your desire for her in a sensual, not crass way. For more on pursuing your wife sexually, read “Pursue Me”.

The pursuit is on men! How are you going to pursue your wife? Let us know in the comments!

Photo courtesy of Sergio Hayashi and © photoxpress

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12 Responses to 4 Ways to Pursue Your Wife

  1. Like so many articles regarding intimacy or sexless marriages this seems a little one-sided. Are men not worthy to pursue? What advice do you have for prude women who constantly deny their husbands? My wife was once very intimate but after marriage/kids has become a prude. I’m sure this is all my fault and I should pursue her more? No accountability whatsoever for the women who pretended to be someone different before marriage? As always, if you have a penis, you’re the problem.

    • I did not read that men are the problem, not at all. Perhaps you have been getting this message often lately. This might involve a hardness of the heart. It does not happen overnight, nor will it be solved overnight. But God can work miracles if you let Him open your heart and eyes.

      Do you know what speaks to your wife’s heart? When was the last time you looked into your wife’s eyes with unconditional love? It’s not always equal or fair but life isn’t always fair. It’s just a thought.

    • Brandon,

      I think you are not accounting for the difference between men and women. Men always want sex. Women take a little prodding. Especially if your wife has kids, she just feels like a mom–not a sexual being. If you pursue her, make her feel attractive and wanted and safe, being less “prude” is a natural consequence.

  2. Hi Brandon,

    Thanks so much for writing and asking some great questions.

    I feel the need to explain the “format” of our blog. It is different then many marriage blogs. Brad and I blog together. One starts a topic and the other responds from their perspective. Brad talks to and challenges the husbands, while I do the same to the wives. In the beginning of Brad’s post, he highlights my previous post that he is responding to. If you read that, you will know that we do not write one sided and I am always challenging the women. So much that I get criticized from that end as well. So all that to say, you cannot read one of our posts without reading the one written before or the one that will come later. They are written in pairs.

    We always try to challenge each spouse to step up and do their part. God has asked us to share our story and to talk with people openly and honestly about marriage and sex. Truth and love.

    In all the time we have been doing marriage ministry, there is never a time when it is all the husbands fault or all the wives. You BOTH have a part in everything that happens. Even if you are wronged by your spouse (that is their responsibility) and yet you have a choice in how you respond.

    It breaks my heart to hear that you and your wife have gotten to this place. And yet we are all going to have hurdles in our marriage and sex. It is no different then anyone else, so please know you are not alone. You pursuing your wife, is not the only thing that needs to happen. It seems that there is much your wife needs to step up and do as well. But Brad is challenging you, as the husband, to what you can do to pursue your wife. Ephesians 5 talks to both husbands and wives. It is a beautiful and hard challenge for both, but it doesn’t have a disclaimer at the end. It doesn’t say that when our husband stops doing XYZ, then we don’t have to respect our husband anymore. No it says we are to respect them no matter what, even if we don’t feel like it, even if they are not deserving of it. The same goes for all that is said to the husband.

    We know there are always three sides to every marriage. What the husbands sees, what the wife sees and what God sees. With that we have to seek to love and serve and respect our spouse because God asks us to-in all things.

    It truly does break my heart to hear the hurt in what you have shared. Please know that you are not alone and that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

  3. Brad – Great post! Funny how great minds think alike. I just did two posts last week on pursuing your spouse as part of my series on growing a more passionate marriage. I did separate posts for men and women, because pursuit tends to look different for each.

    Your suggestions are excellent – pursuit in all areas. I think the main thing is to find out how your particular spouse wants to be pursued and do that!

  4. Whaddya mean “no strings attached?” Please, attach those strings!! Pursue me with kisses on the nape of my neck that leads to sex….but sex for me, not just for him.

    Otherwise, yes to this post!

  5. My 2 cents.

    The colossal problem of this approach is that a wife often feels entitled to being pursued and pursued according to her requirements. This entitlement combined with placing the burden on men to make their wives happy to horny inverts the New Testament order and provides a corrupted picture of Christ and His Church. Once a wife has entered into a covenant of marriage she can no longer demand pursuit, she has already given herself without reservation by vow. If her husband continues to “romance” her it should be out of a sense of joy and gratitude not of obligation or the purchase of affection. If he is compelled to pursue for affection he will eventually realize that he is subject to his wife and her sense of happiness, but more destructive to the marriage that she is a prostitute – affection for a price and the price is negotiated; could be flowers, dates, helping around the house, financial, or what ever the price is on a particular occasion. The most beneficial and Biblical advice that should be given is not to live to be pursued or persuaded to oneness with your covenant spouse, but to wives submit, honor and embolden your husband in righteousness and husbands love and be grateful for your wife. Both husband and wife be intoxicated with the gift of intimacy whenever either desire. Pursuit of holiness and pursuit of oneness not individual demands.

    • Jonadab,
      Interesting, but where you see a hiariacy of the Church that is supposed to be pursuing Christ. I see a relationship where Christ pursued and pursued and pursued many times. Not only personally, but throughout scripture. How many times did God pursue his people? Over and Over again! So I disagree with your premise that God is not calling husbands to pursue their wives. In fact it is very much what he is saying when he says, “Husbands, love your wife like Christ loves the Church”.

      • I have thought carefully about how to respond to you in manner that lead to edification and not stir up schism. I may lack that ability but I will try nonetheless.

        First: Christ and the Church is likened in this dispensation, (I am not using the term as dispensationalist, I am not one, but referring to the age after the closing of the Canon and preceeding the consumption of the kingdom.) As a betrothal, not a consummated marriage. Are you aware of any “persuit” post consumation? What I see is a bride that depend upon, honors with worships and perfect submission to her husband that sits on the throne.

        Secondly, I think our differences in soterology are colouring our view of the Biblical marriage. Where I see Christ electing us according to the ordo salutus of Romans 8:30, you apparently see Christ romancing us instead of sovereignty electing us then expecting His will by working in us to will and to do (Phil 2:13). I see our election as being accomplished by Christ ALONE, through grace ALONE, recieved by faith ALONE, for the glory of God ALONE, as revealed in scripture ALONE. To obligate Christ to pursue us us to make grace obligatory, and re probation a Faire of Christ

      • I have thought carefully about how to respond to you in manner that lead to edification and not stir up schism. I may lack that ability but I will try nonetheless.

        First: Christ and the Church is likened in this dispensation, (I am not using the term as dispensationalist, I am not one, but referring to the age after the closing of the Canon and preceeding the consumption of the kingdom.) As a betrothal, not a consummated marriage. Are you aware of any “persuit” post consumation? What I see is a bride that depend upon, honors with worships and perfect submission to her husband that sits on the throne.

        Secondly, I think our differences in soterology are colouring our view of the Biblical marriage. Where I see Christ electing us according to the ordo salutus of Romans 8:30, you apparently see Christ romancing us instead of sovereignty electing us then expecting His will by working in us to will and to do (Phil 2:13). I see our election as being accomplished by Christ ALONE, through grace ALONE, recieved by faith ALONE, for the glory of God ALONE, as revealed in scripture ALONE. To obligate Christ to pursue us us to make grace obligatory, and re probation a failure of Christ to romance. It glories our will to respond at the expense of the glory of Christ to whom belongs all glory (Rom 11:36).

        I believe that the triune God is owed our feality, because He has all authority. Likewise a wife owes her husband feality, because he is God’s appointed authority to her (Ephesians 5:22) not because she feels has sufficiently satisfied her romance demands and temporarily passed her fitness test for him.

        One model is the gospel (Rev 14:6) the other is acursed (Gal 1:6-8). You are correct that marriage is a model of Christ and the curch, a picture of a covenant of grace and the gospel. If we hold the wrong gospel we will undoubtedly model marriage incorrectly.