12 Ways to Ask for Sex Tonight

Brad says…

Having sex tonight or not, may have more to do with how you ask than anything else. Desire is important, but asking for sex in a way that will be received by your wife is the real challenge. The goal is to make your desire for intimacy known in a way that doesn’t completely turn her off. Locker room talk and begging doesn’t work. But don’t worry, here are 12 ideas that will give your ask better chance for a win!Do you want sex

  1. Whisper “I want you tonight” in her ear as soon as you both get home. Follow this by a great kiss.
  2. Ask, “I would love to spend time with you tonight, what can I do around the house (or with the kids) to give us time for that?”
  3. When she gets dressed in the morning, compliment her and tell her you would like the reverse to happen together later tonight.
  4. Set the alarm 30 minutes early, roll over and snuggle. *Warning* this only works for a wife who is a morning person.
  5. Send her a text in the middle of the day, let her know you were thinking of her and planning a special evening together. (The Couples App or Avocado App are great for married couples to communicate privately)
  6. Turn off the TV show you are watching and tell her, “I would rather spend time with you than watch that.”
  7. Leave her a card in the morning; put it in her car, or somewhere she will find it during the day. In the card tell her how much you love her and how much you desire her. Be specific.
  8. After the kids have eaten, order her favorite take-out just for the two of you. Spend the time eating together to talk and connect. Suggest retiring to the bedroom for dessert.
  9. Spend some time cleaning and organizing your bedroom, then set the mood with candles and soft music. Invite her to join you in your oasis together.
  10. Greet your wife with a passionate kiss, not the normal “hello dear” kiss, but a passionate, desire filled “I want more” kind of kiss.
  11. Buy her some massage oil and have it waiting in your room warming in hot water. Spend time massaging her moving from extremities in.
  12. Be direct, use words like “desire, connected, time together, and love”. Avoid words like, “wanna, need, or pleeeaseeee”.

Warning: Sex is a Thermometer not a Heater

The frequency and satisfaction of a couple’s sex life can often be an indication of the closeness of their relationship. Sex can act as a thermometer telling you that things are going well in the relationship. All too often men tend to think of sex as a heater, trying to use it to fix a problem in their relationship.

Make-up sex is great, but it doesn’t fix things, it binds you together after things have been fixed.

Which Idea will Work For Me?

Some of these ideas will be a home run; some might get no response at all. What works for your wife is based entirely on your relationship and her Love Language. If you know your wife’s love language, than pick the method of asking that most closely resembles her language.

  • Acts of Service – Try #’s 2, 8, 9 & 12
  • Words of affirmation Try #’s 1, 3, 5, 7 & 12
  • Gifts – Try #’s 7, 11, & 12
  • Physical Touch – Try #’s 4, 10, 11, & 12
  • Quality Time – Try #’s 1, 4, 5, 6, 8, & 12

If you don’t know her love language, check out our post, Now You’re Speaking My Language, to find out more.

Which idea is your favorite? Do you have ways that you would add to the list? Leave a comment and let us know!

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14 Responses to 12 Ways to Ask for Sex Tonight

  1. Ha, I’ve done 6 of those today already. In fact, I do about that every day. Nothing changes! Cleaning, cooking, spending time at home with her, praying every day her eyes open….you could even add “Let’s make love tonight or I’m leaving” to the list and nothing would happen! How many years has this been?

    • Kwaka,
      Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry to hear your frustration. Remember the sex is not a heater for your relationship. If there is total absence of sexual intimacy than these won’t work. You need to have open, frank, caring conversation to understand why.

      If on the other hand you have some intimacy but not to the level, or frequency you desire than these methods may help bridge that gap.

  2. Well i am an Indian and Sex is treated as a taboo and women are ignorant about this topic and is considered as to be discussed after marriage which doesent happen at all. India is a land of Myth and if i can call Mother of Myths. can you send me solution in the way The Holy Bible confronts and confirms so that i want my Family to be one even in the marital relation and not live on dead reality which my nation is very famous in the world for.

  3. These are great! As a non-morning person wife thank you for the caveat in #4 :). We are getting better about being direct in this area, but as a lady I notice that too direct kinda looses the romance of it, so I liked your ideas. One thing that struck me was how afraid both my husband and I are of sounding cheesy. We tend to be pretty cynical about language and in all other areas we prefer direct talk. But in the bedroom….well it limits things. I’d love to read a post about cynicism and intimacy some day. but in the mean time any advice (For guys or gals) on overcoming this hurdle?

  4. I’m tired of asking. Tired of pursuing. Tired of constantly being hurt and rejected. Marriage has been the worst mistake of my life and it’s like a never-ending prison sentence. I want nothing more than to divorce my prude wife but my faith keeps me trapped in this worldly hell called marriage. Everyday it eats away at my soul. I have no more happiness and as I write this my wife is lost in her TV shows as I am struggling with temptations like pornography. She did this to me. She stole my laughter and smiles. She acts like everything’s perfect around friends/family at church. I live a miserable lie. Funny thing is, people think we have a perfect marriage because we have been together for so long.

    • Brandon; I too have the same problem. I will not blame her tho. She feels I have used her which I freely admit. Once I concentrated on work and she on home and children, our mutual decision at the time. Little consideration was given for her physical desires for the first 35 years of marriage. She turned off to me. Physical problems for me prompted her to exile me to the spare BR. Now the several problems have been healed and I have become aware of the abuse I dealt her. God’s grace has given me insight to these facts and, along with my renewed desire to connect with her and testosterone, I am wooing her with little effect, with the promise that I will never initiate sex and only respond if she initiates. It appears that I am now dead to her for the last 20 years.
      Please do not find yourself in this situation. Do something now. Seek advise, counseling, prayer or some way to resolve your situation. Act now do not wait for her to resolve the issue. Women usually do not appreciate the man’s feelings and will not act to resolve. They will seek to leave things alone with the appearance that everything is okay when they are not. She is the only woman you are allowed to have relations with so you must do the best thing to preserve your marriage. Don’t wake up after 55 years of marriage realizing it may be too late.

  5. Brandon-Since you seem to have no problem being truthful, have you cheated on her or, to your knowledge, has she cheated on you?

  6. Brandon,

    Rejection sucks, I know, and I feel for you man. It’s not what God intended. It takes a lot of strength just to ask to have your needs met. You have actually taken a great first step in voicing your needs and concerns. I have been in your shoes within the last year, and for 10+ years prior. I still have 1 of those shoes on actually, but it’s getting better…

    In reading your post, I get a sense of despair and that your “bucket” is empty. Consider getting some sex therapy to work on things before they explode. Temptations like porn or mainstream escapist media, being a workaholic, adultery, etc. are just temporary numbing mechanisms and not the long term fix. Resist the temptation to fill your bucket back up with junk, and think about putting your efforts into the “long game”. Not just figuring out how to get some tonight or this week, but fundamentally changing your relationship so that she wants you as much as you want her. For me I don’t really want someone that will just let me bang her (although sometimes the frustration gets to that level). I want someone to make love with as oneflesh.

    You can’t do it alone, but you can lead by example, and show by your actions that you mean business and can’t be ignored. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and be the best person you can be (physically, emotionally, spiritually). Give her no surface excuse to reject you so that you can find the core of what’s going on.

    If she won’t go to therapy with you, go alone. I/we “hit rock bottom”, separated, and I started seeing someone on my own and eventually got my wife to go as well. I wish I/we had gone sooner, like 10 years sooner, and sometimes get down on myself for waiting this long. I keep telling myself that I can’t change the past and that I’m doing the work now. There will be sprints forward and setbacks, just like anything worth doing right.

    Some of the core reasons why sex wasn’t working in our relationship have come to light and at least now I know the truth. Much of it was/is her baggage and even the men on the cover of GQ would have been rejected by her. It’s not me that she’s been rejecting, it’s been sex in general. In the last 8 months we have gone from being separated with the strong possibility of divorce, to snuggling and talking most nights. It’s tough, emotional work, but worth it. We still have a long way to go, but are at least taking steps daily.

    In therapy I came to the conclusions that I was letting the amount of sex I was getting (almost 0) define my self worth as a man (hmm.. also almost 0) . I’ve been able to let that go and to start building up my worthiness around the rock of Christ instead. Sounds easy, but has been sooooo hard.

    We don’t have our sex life figured out just yet, but are definitely on the right path. I expect within another 8 months we’ll get there. This is the “long game” I’m talking about. Come up with some big chunk of time you are willing to invest (6 months, 1 year?) I never knew the core reasons why she was rejecting me, (neither did she) but they have come to light. Turns out it had little to do with me, but my approach (wanting her more, asking, demanding, passive aggressive) was continuing to wound her and doing more harm than good. My wife has her own numbing/disconnection mechanisms as well, like filling every minute of the day with activity and spending hours what little free time she had on cell phone games. I see parallels with your wife’s TV watching.

    Prior to having our relationship hit rock bottom, outsiders, and even my wife thought we had a good marriage. We had most other aspects of our marriage figured out (work, kids, $$, family, etc.), but never the sex.

    Sorry, I’m more of a techie and not the best writer, and this has come out as a stream of consciousness post. This is also my fist post, and has been therapeutic for me too.

    I’d recommend a few resources that have helped me on my journey. Some are Christian, some are secular.
    Resist the temptation to buy one of these and simply shove it in her face. I have made that mistake. Read a bunch of things and take what resonates and discard the rest. There is no single miracle cure. Do some work on your own. Find or build a mens group if you can. We all need teammates in this sex & intimacy struggle and it’s been tough for me to find them. American society is getting better, but has historically not been the best place to talk about sex openly. I love that the Internet helps folks find teammates and open up.
    Thank you onefleshmarriage.com and other sites like it.

    1. Brenne Brown’s book Daring Greatly (check out her TED talks on shame and the power of vulnerability for a taste)
    This is a really long book, if it’s too long they have a condensed version on amazon.

    2. Hold on to your NUTZ
    3. The Sex Staved Marriage
    4. She Comes First
    5. Podcasts from Tony and Alisa Delorenzo’s
    I listen on the way to work and am on episode 20 of 200+.
    6. The Love Dare
    7. Knights Without Armor
    8. Love, Sex, and the Bible. Pastor Tim Lucas
    9. Going to church regularly and praying about it. Praising God that he helped me find a path. Asking Him for guidance, not just for myself, but to figure it out so it won’t impact my marriage and kids in the future.

    Most of all. Hang in there man! I’m guessing you feel alone, but there are millions of men who are in a similar situation, or have been in the past.

    TB (Early 40s, 3 kids)

  7. You always assume the wife doesn’t want sex. I’ve tried most of these and it my husband who could care less. Please stop the generalizations that its the wives who are the cold fish….jist sayin’

  8. I’ve not posted in some time, but I have a thought that could help both men and women, my perspective is in motivating my man towards sex in the evening!

    Remember, many men (and women) are motivated by specific things that really turn them on. Buttons, to to speak. It can be a word, a position, an act, a room, something…and that can be a gateway to sex of all kinds.

    In our case, my husband absolutely loves the doggy style position, so that is what I use to “ask for sex”. I just bring that up and he’s usually quite interested in then everything in our repertoire.

    Hope that helps!