Not Tonight Dear and Other Ways to Say Yes To Sex

Kate says . . .

Every Thursday night we spend the evening with a group of amazing married people at our church going through the re|engage marriage program at our church. I never get tired of going to re|engage. I love to interact with married couples and see couples interacting with each other.

This week before they went off to their small groups, we watched a video from Gary Thomas’s Sacred Marriage series called, Sexual Saints. If you haven’t read this book or seen this series you should find a way to do so. It is greatly insightful and well done. In the video he says, “No matter which spouse it is, the one who wants sex the least has the most power where sex is concerned.”Sleeping toghether

Let me say that again: The spouse who wants sex the least has the most power where sex is concerned.

It is truth. I have lived it as I am sure all marriages have. It goes so well with Brad’s latest post, 12 Ways to Ask for Sex Tonight. How do you respond to your husband when he makes it known to that he desires to share sex with you? No matter what perspective we are coming from, our response . . . well it’s just as important!

A few ways to respond . . .

The Enthusiastic-Ready To Go Wife

If you are feeling excited and ready to go when your hubby makes his desire for sex known, then let him know how ready you are! Let him know verbally as well as any other “creative” ways you can think of. There is nothing like when your spouse is as ready to go as you are. So embrace those moments and thank God for them.

The Could Be Convinced Wife

I know many times I find myself in a place where I could be convinced. Maybe sex wasn’t on the forefront of my mind, but I know how amazing that connection is, so while I wasn’t thinking about it, I’d love to refocus and share that time. This usually means it is not a good time for a quickie. Just sayin. In reality it is unlikely that you will always both be ready at the same time, so get used to the mindset of being able to be convinced.

Needing to be convinced is not a bad thing! Both husbands and wives have times of this throughout our marriage. This is a great time to give to your spouse. Either way, if you are the one giving a bit more, or if you are the one who is being convinced jut stop and focus on each other solely. I don’t know about you, but I think this is exactly how God desired for much of sex to be.

The Dog Tired, Worn Out Wife

Ahh, there are those times when you have done nothing but talk to kids all day long or meet work deadlines and you are ready to fall into bed and sleep for a week. Goodness we have all been there, haven’t we? Switching gears from dog tired to sexually intimate can feel so impossible.

There are times when letting your hubby know that you need to just lie in his arms is totally ok. Yet, there are times when you can stop and think about a way to shift those gears. Making this effort says so much about how you value your husband and your time for sex.

This doesn’t mean you just have to turn it on like a switch. Take a bath, go for a walk or run, spend some time in God’s word, ask your hubby to handle bedtime that evening. Do something that will rejuvenate you a bit and help you to switch from mommy or working girl to the beautiful wife your husband loves and desires. Once you start doing this, you will find it easier. Making good habits is a blessing.

The Struggling Wife

I was once very stuck in the place of a sexually struggling wife. One of the best things you can do is to talk to your hubby. Let him know it is your desire to share sex with him and it breaks your heart that you are struggling with low sexual desire. Share that your desire for him is still there. That you want to be able to move past this and have healing.

Be brave and be willing to reach out for help, if you truly are stuck in this struggle. But you must-MUST communicate with your hubby along the way. If you don’t, he will struggle as well. If you face this hurdle together instead of against one another, with unspoken worries and fears, it will cripple your marriage. Be brave! God is for your marriage, he desires for you to share a wonderful connection through sex. Nothing is impossible with God! Remember sex was His idea!

A Melting Pot Wife

No matter where you started out when you got married, there will be ebbs and flows in your desire for sex. Even if you have not yet experienced that, remember that it is normal. It keeps us serving and desiring to put our spouse first-before ourselves. Keep seeking to talk to your hubby about sex and that you desire to stay connected to him in this way, even if you find yourself needing a bit of convicting, dog tired or struggling.

Be a giver in your marriage! I love this verse and want to lay down my life for my husband. That means setting aside my own wants and needs for his!

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:13

2014 Husband and Wife Christmas Gift Guides are coming . . .

Each year we share some fun, creative and sexy ideas for Christmas with your spouse.

I can’t believe that time is here again. Those posts will be up the week of Thanksgiving as you prepare for this holiday season of celebrating Our Savior’s birth and loving on your spouse in that time.

You can see the previous year’s Christmas gift guide posts here!

Photo courtesy of DNF-Style and © photoxpress

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4 Responses to Not Tonight Dear and Other Ways to Say Yes To Sex

  1. Maybe part of the problem is that we’ve made sex too much about sex. I worry for instance about Christian couples who saved sex for their marriage – not because they saved it, but because there is this idea that now that it is the Honeymoon, these couples that never even kissed have to jump into the sack and immediately have sex. That’s just not the way sex is supposed to be – sex should never be “the goal”. The goal should be intimacy. I don’t know too many women who would refuse sex if their husbands approached them for intimacy, and sex came out of that intimacy. My husband cuddles me to the point where I want nothing more than to have sex with him…not foreplay mind you, but sweet, tender kissing and cuddling where we have made love with our kisses and caresses long before we get to the actual “making love” aka “sex” part. And when we do, it’s just one more type of cuddling, one deeper expression of all that we’ve been doing already. I guess when I read stuff about wives not wanting sex, I wonder if the guy is trying to get sex without creating all that intimacy. No woman wants to be simply used for someone else’s pleasure, even if the guy is her husband. But if a couple learns how to truly make love to one another – wow – I just don’t understand who or why anyone in that couple would be refusing anyone else.

    • Elli, you are spot on. In my marriage, when did the sex stop? When the kissing stopped. It wasn’t a conscious punishment, a.k.a. “You stopped kissing me, so I’m going to withhold sex from you!” It’s just that sex naturally flowed from “making out.” Nobody even “initiated sex” it just arose spontaneously.

  2. “Share that your desire for him is still there.”

    What if it’s not? How do you respond and make your relationship work when you recognize your spiritual role as his wife, and your obligation to him sexually, but you’re just not into him anymore?

    • Hi T! That is honestly a great question and one we get asked often. I get that over the years, many times couples find themselves asking that very same question. I have to be honest, God still desires for you to desire each other.

      God is the restorer of all things. If you are willing to trust God and put your marriage in his hands, he can restore your desire. Write down 5 things about your husband that you love and keep them with you. Thank God for those things, see those things in your husband, tell him that you love those things about him. Focus on what you do admire and love, all while praying for God to restore your desire for your husband.

      We all want to be desired by our spouse. So think about your husbands love language and love and serve him that way. Just as you would like to be loved and served.

      I would be honest and say it all comes down to, a willing heart. If you are willing God can do anything!

      Blessings, Kate