Kate says . . .
Sex-a marvelous mystery. A physical act that is spiritual. Something God designed for good, but for many couples it eludes their grasp. We were one of those couples. Though we had crossed many boundaries we probably shouldn’t have, we saved sex for marriage. We were so excited to finally share this intimacy with each other. To grow in this spiritual and physical bond that God created just for marriage. Not long after our honeymoon, sex became a source of contention-an enigma. We looked at each other and silently said to ourselves, “How did we get here, to this place and how on earth do we find our way to the light?”
Whether in a class or in a mentor program, I believe these four lies being exposed as just that, lies-would have been immensely helpful. We were a young married couple struggling with sex and buying these lies . . .
No one is struggling like us in their marriage
There is not a marriage out there that has not had struggles where sex is concerned. For many it might simply be hiccups with life stage changes. For others it is mental, emotional or physical issues that keep couples from experiencing God’s fullness for sex. Knowing you will have struggles, takes away the sting when they come along. Knowing the battle ahead can help prepare us.
Save sex for marriage as God desires and it will be easy and amazing
Since Brad and I waited, which was preached all over the church we thought that meant for sure sex would be easy and a wonderful connection. Within the first year of our marriage, we were faced with a very different reality. Not everything is automatically amazing because we follow all of the guidelines God has laid out for us. We are still broken people. What I believe God is trying to tell us is that to have the best possible marriage, saving sex for your future spouse alone, will give you the best opportunity. Brad and I had enough trouble with sex, without adding past partners and guilt on top of it. While it is God’s plan for us to wait, it does not mean it will be easy. It takes grace, gentleness, loving patience, truth and communication.
Sex is a want not a need
The bond and act of becoming one flesh is not simply about having babies. It is a part of it, but it is not all of it and selling it as such is doing a grave disservice to marriages. God designed sex as a need for growing intimacy, extending grace to one another as well as the way we can completely shut out the world and enjoy this holy union. If you doubt that sex is a need, within marriage, look at the many testimonies of sexless marriages on some of our other posts. God designed sex for marriage. They cannot be separated. It is not God’s desire or plan to have sexless marriages.
I am alone and I am broken
These two thoughts plagued me for the first 5 years of our marriage. Feelings of brokenness can keep us paralyzed and depressed. We end up isolating ourselves from our spouse and the rest of the world as well. “I can’t let anyone know I am struggling with this!” Especially sex, because there is so much shame associated with one of God’s most beautiful gifts. To those of you who struggle like I did, please remember these two things: most of the couples you are sitting next to in church have had significant struggles in sex, therefore you are NOT alone and isolating has never helped any marriage. Don’t buy into the lie that you are alone. Reach out and ask a wife in your church for help. The struggle with brokenness is real, but we are loved and redeemed by a most amazing God. Therefore your sexual intimacy can also be redeemed. Hold tight to that.
What do these lies matter you might say? The enemy has a great deal to gain from breaking up marriages. More than any other relationship I believe. If we buy into these lies then we play right into the enemies hand. Let’s bring the lies into the light where darkness cannot use them and continue to help marriages.
I know there are other lies out there about sex in marriage. What lies did were you taught or struggled with? Please share in the comments below, I’d love to hear them so other will know they are NOT alone!