Shattered Trust

Kate says . . .

It hurts! Bad. It shatters all that we once knew. Broken, shattered trust. Tears flow, body aches and the soul weeps.

I remember the day in our marriage very clearly when in one evening my eyes were opened and trust was shattered. Where it once encompassed all of me and our relationship, it was now at my feet in broken, mismatched pieces. I had no idea where to start in picking myself along with the pieces back up. When I sought to put them back together, through my tear swollen eyes, it never seem to fit like it used to. The puzzle had changed and me along with it.

People reach out all the time, hurting deeply, asking how they can trust their spouse again when it has been shattered. It is a great questions and oneshattered-trust many marriages deal with on some level, some deal with it in a very real, raw level.

Only Jesus 

In those raw moments when you trust is shattered and you feel as though it broke you as well. When we can’t see through the blur of tears and heart sadness. We can cry out to Jesus. The one person who knows what it is like to feel shattered and broken.

He knows exactly how you feel and is there for each tear you cry. Allow Him to cradle you in his loving arms, restoring what has been damaged. Knowing that he sees you, loves you and loves your spouse as well. No matter what either of you have done, He still loves you just the same. Cling to Him for each moment of strength in the day. He CAN be this and everything else you need.

Trust – It’s a two-way street

In those moments when I wanted deeply to trust again, I realized something very important – trust is partially earned and partially given. So when Brad and I were working through this hurdle in marriage, I had to be willing to give a bit of trust-an offering.

While Brad also was seeking my trust with his actions, words, love and forgiveness. I believe it is the only way to healing, forgiveness and restoration.

You may not trust your spouse . . .

For those of you who feel like giving trust is out of the questions, I ask you one question. While you may not trust your spouse, do you trust God?

He has promised that he will be with you through all of your troubles. He understands. We often struggle to put our trust in fellow humans. God is not like us. His promises are good and he will never abandon us. Trust in God and let him lead you in giving trust back to your spouse.

Continue to love your spouse as God is asking

When we hurt, we want our spouse to know how much we hurt. We want them to know we feel wronged. It is a normal reaction and yet the challenge is to seek to see your spouse as God does. To love, forgive and pursue them as God desires us to, instead of exercising our victim rights.

I know what you are thinking, that if we are wronged we deserve to exercise victim rights. I will not deny this. When trust was broken for us, there were many late night talks, working through what had happened. Seeking to have a spirit of reconciliation can have a huge impact.

Seeking reconciliation does not mean you ignore what happened. It is a tall order and hard at times, but it is generous and seeking to love our spouse as God asks.

Rebuilding after shattered trust is not easy, but it is possible. With God’s healing grace mending you it is possible.

Have you experienced hope after shattered trust? Share your story in the comments, there are so many out there that need to hear a ray of hope!

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10 Responses to Shattered Trust

  1. When my wife and I hurt each other, there seemed to me to be a difference in time that we were able to forgive each other. I seemed to get over the hurt in a couple of hours, but my wife took two days. I thought to myself, how can one comment that takes 5 seconds take 2 days to get over. So, no love making for days. I felt bad that I had hurt her so much, I asked for forgiveness and vowed not to do it again. To have my advances rejected hurt me deeply. Yes, I deserved it, and thankfully over the last few years we have been able to shorten the time of pain to a few hours. Praise God!!

  2. Thanks for describing the feelings. I almost forgot! It’s been almost nine years ago that I realized my husbands addiction to porn and felt like this. Now it seems ages ago. We have learned so much about ourselves and the grace and love of God! From the moment I asked my husband to leave the house God was there to guide us both in new ways. That moment I didnot realize that crisis means a new beginning. Frustration and pain means a new way of behaviour. Being shattered means acknowledge things must be healed and restored. It costed me much energy, time and it costed us money for he lived quite a time somewhere else. But we learned about Gods ways for our lives and our marriage and I am glad we both turned to Him for help and so many christians were there to pray for us and help us every step of the way until we found out how we could go along and refresh our promise to love each other. I did the United Front course of settingcaptivesfree. I am a dutch woman and my mentor was an American women who was gone all through the same stuff. I was one of her first students and she encouraged me every lesson I made, she prayed for me. I am still so grateful to God, to SCF and to her. And grateful to my husband who saw himself forced to turn around. Now our children are married themselves we have built a warm and loving relationship together.

  3. Trust. A very hard thing to rebuild. But God!! What an awesome God we serve! It has been 4 years since my husband and I have gone thru separation and adultery! I never thought I could forgive and trust again!! But my God has been healing and forgiveness has come and trust is coming back. God keeps His promises!! He heals the broken hearted and never leaves or forsakes us!

  4. My husband recently cheated and it has been so hard trying to rebuild trust. Often I want to check his phone or his Facebook. I live in fear that He will hurt me again. I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to dig and search for things that will hurt me. Instead I’m going to put my trust in God and know that if there’s something I need to know God will reveal it to me.

  5. Kate, this is beautifully written! As a wife who has also struggled with broken trust by her husband, I have a question that I am hoping you can shed some light on… One Flesh. I LOVE your name as I think marriage is so beautiful. My husband and I had only had each other in marriage. I believed we were one flesh. After trust was broken, even if we fully reconcile and trust is rebuilt, how can we be one flesh? (1 Cor. 6:16)

    • Hi Dawn,

      Thanks for writing and asking a great question. Thank you for your encouragement, we greatly appreciate it. I think the answer is simple, yet very complex-it is simply Grace. Even before trust was shattered in our relationship-grace was still the only way we could move forward on our journey of one flesh. It is by grace that we continued that journey. One Flesh is a journey not a destination, although for years we thought it we were one flesh once we were married and shared physical intimacy. Ephesians 5:31 says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” The work “becoming” is key in that passage. Becoming indicates that it will be an ongoing journey. And it is Grace that makes it all possible, shattered trust and all. God can bring restoration to any marriage. Not that there won’t be earthly consequences and pain, but he can heal and restore any marriage. I know this may sound odd, but I feel like Brad and I are closer now then we ever were before our trust was shattered. Just a testament to God using he refining fires and making beauty out of our ashes. I’d love to hear your further thoughts. Thank you so much for being willing to be vulnerable and ask such a great questions, Dawn. Blessings, Kate

      • Thank you so much for your thoughts on my question. I have further thoughts and questions but would prefer to ask them more privately. Do you have an email address or other way I could talk to you a bit more freely?

  6. The broken trust went on for me for so many years. While I basically raised our six children by myself; he lived an entire life away from us. He is an over the road truck driver and I am lucky if he is home one or two weekends a month. In our earlier years I man not hear from him for several days and not see him for eight weeks at a time . This was very lonely and painful for me. He and I are almost starting over at this time in our lives thanks to tons of prayer and trust in the Lord we are spending time together and building our marriage. It’s been a long time coming. I still am working on the trust as the wanting to change and be forgiven for all of the years of his braking my trust have been on and off for the last two years. He has slipped again a few times but he is trying. Thank goodness our God’s forgives and gives me strength to do the same.