5 reasons we can’t handle marriage anymore – A Rebuttal

Brad says…

Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you different is selling something. However it isn’t impossible and it isn’t something that is so archaic that we should dismiss it.

A friend sent me the article “5 Reasons we can’t handle marriage anymore” by Anthony D’Ambrosio. It had a mix of truth and misconceptions yet reading it I just couldn’t help but argue with it. So rather than sitting yelling at my computer screen I thought I would share it all with you.

5 reasons we can’t handle marriage anymore

The article shares the 5 reasons why our current generation isn’t equipped to handle marriage, and how it is only going to get worse in the future. While I disagree that these are reasons to dismiss marriage, most of them are actually really good observations on what is challenging marriage today.heart . . .

1) Sex becomes almost non-existent.

D’Ambrosio shares,

“I’m baffled by couples who neglect having sex, especially younger ones. We all desire physical connection, so how does cutting that off lead you to believe your marriage will be successful? It’s like telling someone you’ll take them out to a restaurant but they can’t order food.”

I agree sexual intimacy is a very important part of any marriage! Whenever it is removed, a gaping hole enters your marriage that will significantly challenge both of you! This isn’t news, God knew this and designed us this way. 1 Corinthians 7: 1-6 clearly cautions couples about living marriage without sex.

Here is where I disagree. The article makes it sound as if, “You no longer look at your partner wanting to rip their clothes off” something is wrong.

This is mistaking erotic passion (eros) for sexual intimacy. Don’t get me wrong, passion is excellent! I hope all of you have that heart pounding desire every once in a while. But the idea that something is broken if it is missing is wrong!

Eros, the erotic is totally self-focused. It is based on the idea of what is going to make me excited. That is great, and should be a PART of sexual intimacy in marriage, but it isn’t everything.

Our culture misunderstands sex as a path toward self-gratification rather than a path toward oneness. Trust me, oneness is better!

2) Finances cripple us.

I totally agree that, “Years ago, it didn’t cost upward of $200,000 for an education. It also didn’t cost $300,000-plus for a home.” These are obvious challenges we have today.

I disagree that “We’re too busy paying bills to enjoy our youth” or that, “We’re trying to live the way our grandparents and parents did in a world that has put more debt on our plate than ever before.”

Our grandparents didn’t do debt. They saved until they had the money for what they wanted. That meant that they often did without. Today we live in a culture where we are told you don’t have it, buy it, and you can pay for it later.

Rather than earning that 300,000 house, we want it now. Then we complain about the loss of “fun” or “time together” when we have to pay the bill.

Finances are a struggle in marriage, but sometimes learning to do without is the key. You don’t need that new toy and neither do your kids. They will survive, and you might find you are actually happier without it.

3) We’re more connected than ever before, but completely disconnected at the same time.

“Let’s face it, the last time you “spoke” to the person you love, you didn’t even hear their voice.”

Don’t get me wrong Kate and I love texting, and yes we do the “Facebook” thing too. But in general we don’t learn about each other’s day from social media, and neither should you.

All marriages need that time to just talk about your day. A time to unwind together. We often have crammed so many things into our lives that we don’t stop and actually talk.

As he says in the article, “We’ve forgotten how to communicate yet expect healthy marriages. How is it possible to grow and mature together if we barely speak?” and I totally agree.

“You want to know why your grandmother and grandfather just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. Because they weren’t scrolling through Instagram worrying about what John ate for dinner. They weren’t on Facebook criticizing others. They weren’t on vacation sending Snapchats to their friends.”

I Disagree. Your grandparents didn’t stay married because electronics didn’t fill their day. It was because they believed that marriage was something worth fighting for.

Look at those same electronics that we love and devote so much time to. In 3 years when your beloved iPhone is slow and there is something better out there, we will toss it aside without a thought and go after the new flashy exciting thing.

Our grandparents fixed things, they kept things, they bought things that had value and then they maintained them. Today we live in a disposable culture and we have made our marriages disposable too.

Marriages work when we see them as something worth fighting for, not throwing away!

4) Our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved.

“If you want to love someone, stop seeking attention from everyone because you’ll never be satisfied with the attention from one person.”

I totally agree! Selfishness kills marriages. Looking for approval, especially physical approval from anyone other than your spouse is opening a door that you shouldn’t open.

Social media works because it is narcissism wrapped up to look like community. Don’t get trapped! Those likes just don’t matter.

5) Social media just invited a few thousand people into bed with you.

“We’ve thrown privacy out the window these days…Something as simple as enjoying breakfast has become a photo shoot. Vacations are no longer a time to relax, but more a time to post vigorously. You can’t just sit back and soak it all in.”

I agree and think he didn’t go far enough. When you are with your spouse, who do you spend more time with? Your phone or your spouse?

Social media and mobile games have their time and place. You owe it to your spouse to make sure they stay in their place!

What do you think? Are his points reasons that marriage is doomed? Are there other of today’s ill’s that threatens marriage as we know it? Let us know in the comments!

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6 Responses to 5 reasons we can’t handle marriage anymore – A Rebuttal

  1. I think that the author of 5 reasons we can’t handle marriage has some valid points. In fact, if I was not a Christian, I would have divorce my wife many, many years ago due to point number one. Without sex (I do recognize sex is not possible in some marriages), the husband and wife are only roommates. Sex is not optional. It needs to be frequent and with passion. If not, the marriage is broken and not according to God’s design for marriage.

    However, since I am a Christian and vowed to stay married for better or worse, I am still married. The 5 reasons listed by the original author to avoid marriage are excuses, not reasons.

  2. I love this!

    My husband has been married before and part of the reason their marriage failed was because of sexual intimacy, no communication, and his ex-wife wanted to work more than she wanted to be at home. You cannot have a REAL marriage if you are not devoted to the person in the marriage. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I have had our times where we have looked at each other, thinking “Did we make a mistake?” but because we love each other and take our vows seriously, we stuck through it and came out stronger in the end. Those 5 reasons aren’t reasons, they are excused because everything has become disposable like you said. I know so many people my age (25-ish) that go into marriage with the attitude that if it doesn’t work out, they can always try again with someone else. Why even make that an option? By going into a marriage with that mindset not only are you not taking your vows seriously, you’re also saying that the person you’re with may not be the “one forever” but possibly just the “one right now”. How sad is that? One of the biggest things I see as a problem in most marriages these days, though, is that there is no focus on God.

  3. These 5 points are all true. While reading dis post my husband came to stay with me in d salon as I made my hair, and all the while I was engrossed in reading. Ofcourse he left sooner than should have.

    However, we have a responsibility to keep our marriage. So deliberate effort must be made to keep it strong.

    Thanks very much for the timely call.

  4. The original article looks more to me a list of whining vs why marriages don’t work “today.”
    “The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.”
    “He becometh poor that dealeth with a slack hand: but the hand of the diligent maketh rich.”
    “The slothful man saith, There is a lion in the way; a lion is in the streets. As the door turneth upon his hinges, so doth the slothful upon his bed. The slothful hideth his hand in his bosom; it grieveth him to bring it again to his mouth. The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason.”

    I know those are generally refereed to with money but every one applies to your marriage too. Like anonymous said up above: “excuses, not reasons.”

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