Kate wrote the, “3 Things you need to know about struggling with low desire” which every higher drive spouse needs to read. I thought I would follow it up with my own perspective letting you into the brain of a higher sex drive spouse.
1. We Are Sherlock Most of the Time
“My dear Watson, do you see the way she is hanging her head, that means that she isn’t interested in you tonight.” That might not be something a higher drive spouse would ever say out loud, but they are absolutely thinking about it.
Most of the time we are looking for every little clue of you are interested or not. In the times when we sense you are “neutral” towards sex we are looking for any sign that we could possibly introduce the idea without creating a conflict.
Sometimes our sleuthing is spot on, but often we will mistake your “wow it was a long day” for “I’m not interested so don’t even try it buster”.
We need to remember this often isn’t fair to our lower sex drive spouses, but we would like you to recognize that we are frequently trying to take your sexual temperature.
2. It’s About Togetherness as Much as Sex
The sex is great, but this isn’t the only reason we are higher drive. We recognize and desire the closeness and intimacy that comes with sex. Have you ever notice how your higher drive spouse wants to have sex right after a conflict? Or maybe even during? This is why.
We don’t want to brush the argument under the carpet, we want to join together, to be united in sexual intimacy as a part of healing.
This can be a great blessing to a relationship but we need to remember that our lower drive spouse often wants to feel connected before the desire for intimacy comes.
At the same time, we would like you to know that a lack of sexual intimacy can feel like there is an emotional distance between us. Sex isn’t the only way to grow that emotional togetherness, but it is a pretty good way sometimes.
3. We Want You To Want Us
We do appreciate your willingness to “show up” once in a while. However, we desire so much more. We will actually pass (sometimes) on the “show up” sex, if we could work with you to find a better time when you will be interested too.
I know that is really hard to understand, but it goes back to #2. If you just show up, it becomes more about sex. When we are together in interest it becomes more about intimacy.
Is this going to happen every time? No probably not, and we are okay with that. However, when it is possible letting us know that you are excited for the intimacy, (even if you aren’t that excited for the sex) is great!
Bonus: We Feel Bad About Pressuring You
We really hate “twisting your arm” in asking for sex. We feel like we are forcing you to do something you don’t want to do. We know that forcing you would be wrong, and we feel yucky because of it.
This is why we take your sexual temperature. This is why we want you to want us.
We feel horrible about being selfish when it comes to sex. The challenge is that we have an innate sexual desire. We get hungry, hungry for you! And because we want to live a Godly life You are the ONLY person who can fill our hunger! So we wrestle between the desire for you, and the desire not to force you.
The wrestling gets ugly sometimes, we get it wrong often.
We can do a lousy job expressing our desire to you, or we can neglect to show it to you at all. If you can understand our struggle we can do a better job together. It really isn’t about giving us all the sex we want, it is about finding togetherness!
What did I miss? Are there other things you need your lower sexual drive spouse to know? (be sure you are reading Kate’s post too)
Low drive spouses, do you have responses? Thoughts?