Kate says . . .
I remember the time clearly, because the mind remembers emotional pain as if it were yesterday. Our minds can forget physical pain, but recall emotional pain almost instantly.
I remember because there are current moments where I wonder if I will travel down the same scary broken road. Will I struggle with my inner self while wrestling with God. I do not want to go back there! Ever! And yet it is through that time of brokenness that I can now share my struggles and see the how God restores and heals.
Just because I struggle with desire, doesn’t mean I don’t desire my husband
It seems to be a contradiction. I know. I get it. But in all the time that I was struggling with desire for sex, I wanted to want sex! I found my hubby very attractive and desired him. Yet when that translated to wanting sex, I struggled.
I just could not seem to make my body respond to the desire that I had. I believe that if we had not experienced our breakthrough change in our marriage, it would have crippled us and eventually I would have tamped down any sexual feelings for my hubby to “deal.” I would have kept my head buried in the sand so that I did not have to deal with the reality of the lack of sex in our marriage.
Struggling with desiring sex, does not mean we do not desire our spouse!
I felt incredibly broken
If I am being real, I still have the fear of struggling like that again in our marriage. It was not a fun or joyous time. It was dark and depressing. It was quite simple . . . I felt broken and alone.
I entered marriage excited to share sex with this amazing man and while it worked physically, it wasn’t working in other ways. I knew my struggle with desire was crippling our marriage and yet, I had no idea what to do. We may stick our head in the sand, which is not right, but we feel completely broken.
It is emotionally, physically and spiritually taxing on BOTH spouses.
Sex is such a beautiful thing, designed by God to connect us as husband and wife. The connection is so complex, that it touches us emotionally, spiritually and physically. The struggle with sex taxes us in all of those areas.
I would cry out to God, wondering why I was this way. Why did he create sex if it wasn’t going to be a blessing? Both Brad and I were struggling. It is not a one-sided struggle. Which just points to the beautiful dance that sex is. There is no one-sided struggle with sex in a marriage. It is not a “him” or “her” issue. It is an “us” issue.
The other side of the bed
While I struggled with desire for sex, across the bed from me was an amazing man who was also struggling. He desired to share sex with his wife and was hurting deeply. It is so vital for us to understand what it is like for both the lower drive spouse as well as the higher drive spouse. To understand their perspective, hurts and joys.
While I share openly with you what it was like to be the lower drive spouse, that in no way excuses sticking my head in the sand about my struggles with desire for sex. Some of the habits I allowed myself to form, the ways I rejected my hubby, the excuses I made, the selfishness and the lack of seeking help are NOT ok!
Sex is part of God’s design for marriage. You cannot ignore the hurdles and issues that arise.
If and when . . .
So the question, “What happens if I ever struggle again like that again?” begs to be answered. What would I do?
Instead of burying my head, I would pray and talk to my hubby. Then see where we needed to go from there. I know that he will do the same if (and in all reality) when we have a hurdle to get over with sex. Life is going to throw us curve balls, we are going to keep getting older. Sex is going to have its struggles. While I honestly do fear that on some level, I also have the testament of how God has brought us through that time, as well as many other authors/bloggers and friends who have a similar testimony.
God is faithful and I will not run from his plan for marriage and sex, because it is oh so good!
Have you struggled with low desire in your marriage?
What would you add to my list that needs to be understood?
How have you been able to overcome those hurdles? Leave us a comment and let us know!