Kate says . . .
The loneliness is all encompassing. No matter which way you turn it seems to be there nipping at your heals. The cloud of darkness that follows your one flesh journey is ever hovering. You look to the other wanting desperately to reach out, for this to be the time that changes everything and yet you don’t. You won’t let yourself be vulnerable again and so you self-protect.
Your dreams were beautiful. Not dreams of an unrealistic fairy land, but of a closeness that surpassed any human relationship you have. There were glimpses of it, even encounters with it. Those moments held so much more then emotions, they were spiritual. The making of one flesh.
Yet now each move seems to pull that cloud along and we just want to escape it. Yet each in our own way. How do we reach the light from here?
Brad and I have been there in our marriage. From what our readers share, many of them have been as well.
If you read our last series 3 Things You Need to Know About Struggling with Low Desire and 3 Things Higher Sex Drive Spouses Wish Their Spouse Knew, then you know what I have described above, we have experienced. One of the most popular questions we get is, “How do I deal with all of this? What am I supposed to do?”
It really doesn’t matter what the issue is or what side of the issue you are. There are things you can do in this battle to pull for your marriage. The battle my friend is not against each other but against the enemy who wants to destroy your marriage. Keeping you in the lonely dark place is exactly how he wants to do that. Here are three things you CAN do. And as Brennan Manning so poignantly pointed out, choosing not to do things that are positive for your marriage, you are in fact making a choice!
Do you have one? I read a book not too long ago that encouraged us all to have a scripture that is our “battle cry.”
Do you have a scripture memorized that you can say to yourself when you are discouraged, lonely, feel like you are traveling this marriage journey alone and feel that cloud looming over head?
We took this idea and not only came up with ones for ourselves, but had our kids choose one too. My battle cry is: No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (Romans 8:37 NIV)
I have it printed on a canvas right next to my bed and I say it to myself often. God’s word is good and it is there to help us. I would challenge you to pick a battle cry and remember the power that is in God’s word!
Do Not Isolate
When things are hard and we can’t seem to figure them out, there are two things that keep us for reaching out. Shame and Pride. They go so well together and yet they keep us tied down and leave us very vulnerable.
When you are struggling in your marriage- REACH OUT! Don’t isolate from others including your spouse. Seek the help of other trusted couples. We talk about this so often and yet it is the one I feel most often gets ignored or brushed aside. God made us to do life and marriage in community. Stop resisting the very thing God might use to change your marriage. Get yourself into a marriage community and don’t let anything take that away. Jesus kept himself in community with his disciples. The son of God needed community, why do you think you don’t?
The only person you can work on and change is you.
It is a simple truth and one of the hardest to do. On the other hand, you as a believer have Christ in you and with that you can do ALL things. I challenge you to make a list of things you can do to better love and serve your spouse they way they need and want. Not the way you think or the way you want, but the way they need. If you truly are stumped (and I don’t believe that many of you are) then be bold and ask your spouse how you can better love and serve them. Be the change you want to see in your own marriage. Be the change!
“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait patiently. In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Romans 8:25,26 -NIV
Hang on to that my friend! God is with you and wants good things for your marriage. It is the simple truth!
Is there anything you would add to my list of things that will help you in marriage when you are hurting?
We’d love to hear your thoughts.